Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#220 Reneze Trim: Angels as Playmates: How a Lonely Child Found God
Reneze shares her miraculous birth story and spiritual journey from childhood struggles with rage to finding her purpose through God's transformative love.
• Born in Trinidad when doctors said her mother's fibroids made pregnancy impossible
• Grew up in a Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn where Sabbath observance was part of the community
• Played with "guardian angels" as a child when feeling alone and isolated
• Experienced healing from rage when a teacher responded with compassion rather than punishment
• Found strength in Scripture, particularly Matthew 7:7 and Matthew 18:6
• Struggled with depression during college despite previous academic success
• Discovered her calling in counseling after teaching English in South Korea
• Faced health challenges similar to her mother's fibroids
• Navigated racial tensions during the pandemic that deepened her understanding of God's work
• Found community with Love Reality, reinforcing her belief in transformation through Jesus
"God really loves you, really cares. He's never left you or forsaken you and even though it's hard to be steadfast in your beliefs in Him, keep holding on. It gets better. God will answer those prayers. It may not be the next day, but God is working. He's never stopped working."
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The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can, and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life. Welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young, and today's episode is with Renise, and I met Renise through the Bible studies that we host here and saw her love for the Lord and, you know, as she shared through the last few months, I was like I need to hear. Through the last few months, I was like I need to hear the whole story. So now we've got the whole story of, you know, renise going from death to life, hearing God's love.
Speaker 1:This will be encouraging and edifying. So buckle up and strap in Love. Y'all, appreciate y'all. Here is Renise, y'all here is Renise. All right, renise, what's up? Welcome to the Dead to Life podcast. I don't know anything about your story, except that you live in Atlanta, and maybe that endeared like that's the deary to me, because I'm from Atlanta. I don't even know if that's where you're from, though. What's your story? Where are we going?
Speaker 2:We have to go way back. I was born in Trinidad and Tobago.
Speaker 1:That's not Atlanta. Okay, yeah, okay, trinidad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but my mom and most of my family's from Guyana, south America.
Speaker 1:You said, guyana is South America.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:I feel real ignorant right now. I, if someone would have said what continent is Guyana in, and they would have given me a million dollars. If I had guessed right, I would have been. I would have said Africa 100 times out of 100. Do most people think that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, they get mixed up with Ghana.
Speaker 1:That's what it is. I'm smart. It's not that I'm not smart. Okay, so you're born there, your mom's from Guyana, in Guyana. What's the main language in Guyana?
Speaker 2:English, but obviously we're on South America, so we're surrounded by Spanish-speaking countries and obviously, brazil and Portuguese, so you have people who learn Spanish because our neighbors Venezuela Suriname is next door French Guiana, so we have a variety of languages and indigenous people.
Speaker 1:So yeah, so how many languages does your mom speak? English, ok, and in.
Speaker 2:Trinidad. Obviously that's English right, so yeah. So how many languages does your mom speak? English, okay.
Speaker 1:And in Trinidad. Obviously that's English right. I'm feeling real Okay, but with a heavy accent.
Speaker 2:But yeah, you get your dialects and people who speak other languages because you know, per the history of colonies you had different countries come in. So our capital is Port of Spain, so Spanish is one of the languages, so yeah, Okay, very cool.
Speaker 1:How long did you live in Trinidad?
Speaker 2:Never.
Speaker 1:You just said you were born there, so you lived there at least a day, a few months yeah, Okay, and we probably have to go further back on the story of that.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I was born in Trinidad and my mom was told she was never going to have. Well, as a matter of fact, they said she was never going to get pregnant. As a matter of fact, they said she was never going to get pregnant. So the story behind that is.
Speaker 1:My mom had fibroids.
Speaker 2:Fibroids, mm-hmm. And so they were in her uterus. They're like big masses, basically not cancerous, and they had them removed and then, when a few, maybe a few months, a year or two later, they were back and bigger than ever. So she was told like there's no physical space for a child enter me.
Speaker 2:So in your face, doctors so, to her doctor's surprise, she's like I'm pregnant. And the doctor's like, what do you mean? And she's like I took the test and I'm pregnant. And doctor's like, okay, let me check. And um, sure enough, she checked it. My mom was pregnant. And she's like, well, I'm gonna take care of you, because there was all these like old wives tales about the fact that I'll be deformed, because there was literally no physical space, um, for a child to be born. So I am the miracle that is that's awesome.
Speaker 2:Praise the lord yeah, so from there um, my mom moved to New York, um Brooklyn, new York, to be exact and what, what, uh, what neighborhood in Brooklyn ah, jewish neighborhood, because nothing says diversity what is, what is the Jewish neighborhood and what's the most Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn? Um well, I lived a block from the synagogue, so all the, the rabbi are the what what is it?
Speaker 1:Hasid or whatever. They all walk right by. Yeah, yeah, so that is that. Canarsie, flatbush, bensonhurst, what is that?
Speaker 2:No Eastern Parkway.
Speaker 1:Eastern Parkway.
Speaker 2:Eastern Parkway.
Speaker 1:So the big, the big, big synagogue I bet there was some delicious delis right by where you lived.
Speaker 2:Oh, the bread was spectacular. Yeah, there were several Jewish stores. That's where we went for, you know, appropriate church clothes, because they had, you know, the long sleeve, the long dress for little girls type of thing. So, yeah, well immersed in terms of just, uh, being around the Jewish community. It was very helpful because they have a siren that goes off like an hour before sunset, so you always knew what sunset was happening.
Speaker 1:Um never your mom and Adventist.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, um, my mom was actually adopted. Uh, her siblings were adopted, um, and she was adopted into an Adventist family, and so my mom would tell you that every day at 12 o'clock, when they came home from school, her adoptive mother would call her in and pray for her. No-transcript, there's like two sets of families with my mom, so she has a sibling from a different mom who was born a day after her. So it's that type of situation where family wasn't necessarily the focus and they lived the children they were. My mom was adopted when she was like four and she can't really tell you where they lived or what they ate or where they stayed, but she and her sister, her younger sister, um, they were always together, so that's so cool yeah.
Speaker 1:Um so then, being in Brooklyn around all the Jews, it's kind of easy to you know. The Sabbath is kind of a way of life in that neighborhood, huh.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, built in, built in, and then it made me feel like we weren't as strict. I mean, I thought we were strict but then, um, I think there were there were literally Friday nights where you see a civic Jew running home because they're about to be late for Sabbath. So, um, yeah, we weren't. We were ready, but I think it gave me a little bit more flexibility, I think, in terms of, like, how Sabbath played out, although I realized after the fact that we were still pretty rigid in how we observed Sabbath, and that became more evident when we moved to Florida.
Speaker 2:But church for me, during that time, I think I was in my own little bubble. I think there was things going on at home that I would say miserable adults. There were adults surviving. I mean, new York, as you know, is an expensive place. We're an immigrant family. My mom lived with a family member and all of the family members came through their house and so there was a lot of hurt and animosity and just different things kind of going on in their lives, and it spilled over to me. In a lot of regards, I was like the only child in the house, um, and the philosophy there was children were to be seen and not hurt for sure.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I think, um, it did have an effect on me as a child. I definitely had a relationship with God very early on because of it and I remember as a toddler into like school age, I would be playing with my guardian angels, because literally no one around.
Speaker 1:That's beautiful and sad at the same time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like come here Gabriel. Yeah, and so it was. I think, looking back it could be like come here, gabriel, yeah, and so it was. I think, looking back it can be like whoa. But at the same time I had a very strong hold of who Jesus was and I got baptized when, I was like six or seven years old.
Speaker 2:As a matter of fact, my mom said I interrupted the man's sermon. It was a revival, 10 revival, and I had been thinking about baptism. And I think my mom at the time was a little concerned of like the process, Like she thought I had to go to Bible class and then, you know, proceed to get baptized. And she said they called and was like hey, your little one wants to get baptized, we're having a baptism. That was like the next night. And she said in that moment the Holy Spirit said let her get baptized.
Speaker 2:And so I did, and I can tell you that my favorite Bible verse at that time was Matthew 7, 7, asking shall be given unto you, seeking you shall find. Knocking the door will be opened unto you. That's beautiful.
Speaker 2:So that started my walk with God formally, but I think what I learned along the way as many people learn after you get baptized it's a battle of attacks and I don't think, um, even the adults would have thought that a child would have been so bombarded by Satan's attacks. And it came out with the adults I was living with, just how they were treating me, what they would say I had a family member who would instigate spankings. So I already got in trouble, got a spanking, I'd get a second one sometimes, and there was a point, I think, where the Holy Spirit stepped in and kind of told my mom like hey, don't do that, even if you know if you punished her. That's it. And I think at that point I started internalizing it and became rage, not just anger, it became rage, um. So my playtime, everything was almost like self-harm. So I was like, uh, maybe 10 or 11 and I destroyed a full bike like a metal bike um riding.
Speaker 2:And so I had a moment where I had a teacher who interrupted my rage. I got mad and broke something that was for the classroom. I don't know if you remember the dictionaries, the electric dictionaries of the 1990s, very high tech and I got frustrated at something, I don't know what, and I broke this thing. And my mom was like you have to go tell her that you broke this dictionary and I'm a teacher's kid, so this is doubly embarrassing. This is my mom's school. I had just recently moved to her school. I didn't want to be there and I'm having to show the evidence of my issue and the response. Her name is Mrs Withers. She's passed, but her response was of such godly love and care and compassion and she really stepped into my world of anger and just was like you must have been really angry to break. This interrupted my entire world, and so it helped me regroup with God in a way that I don't think anything else would have.
Speaker 2:Um, so I went back to faithfully reading my Bible a little bit more, um, praying and really trusting and believing that Matthew 7, 7 was for me. And then, in my reading of the Bible verses, I hit Matthew 18, 6. I'm going to give you the King James version, because that's what I was reading at the time, and it says but whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it was better for him that a millstone were tied around their neck and that he be drowned in the depth of the sea and very gruesome for a preteen. But I think it was just that reminder that God, my father, was looking out for me. And how I got to that point of rage was because an adult kind of insinuated some of the situation I came out of with my dad, and it was on a flight heading back to Trinidad. I used to go back summers and I thought why would you ruin a child's view of their parent, like why wouldn't you let them learn for themselves who their parents are?
Speaker 1:And you didn't know what the background was. And someone was just like, just like.
Speaker 2:Oh, your dad's such and such mercy yeah, and in my happiest place, a plane. How could you? So yeah, um, and so that's part of where the rage came from and part of just what was happening. Um, and I think now I can reflect back and go. This was the Lord answering the prayer at the time. It was the most devastating thing to happen. Um, we moved to Florida.
Speaker 1:And you was that the reason? Because you were so angry?
Speaker 2:No, um, what happened was like different family things were happening and I think, uh, my, my aunt, I think, was retiring at the time and she was like asking my mom if she wanted to move, and I think my mom was trying to get me out of the city, um, among other things, and it was just the perfect timing. So we moved to Florida and it was a shell shock for all of us.
Speaker 1:What part of Florida?
Speaker 2:Uh, North Orlando, North of Orlando. Um, there were literally cows across the street from the suburb north of Orlando. I didn't know it was rural like that um, yeah, outside of UCF what 20 years ago? Um, that's what it looked like. So, yeah, um. And I remember one day saying to my mom I need noise. And I just went out to like the road outside of our complex, staring at these cows like where did they bring me?
Speaker 1:why are we here?
Speaker 2:yeah, it might be a little bit of a shock going from brooklyn to, uh, some cow pastures in, yeah, north florida and I kind of lost autonomy because I used to, you know, go to school, bus train you, train, you know, by myself. And there was like a supermarket like a mile and a half down the road and I wanted to walk there just to have something and I was like no, you can't walk there. And at that time there was a lot of kidnapping, so I really could not walk there, could not walk there. So it was a shell shock, especially when we got to church, because church looked so different from what we were used to. We got to church, people were in sandals. Church ended at 12. We didn't know what to do with ourselves.
Speaker 1:We were so used to church ending at like one Was this a black church in orlando, or a white church, or no, it was a white church.
Speaker 2:So we went from like a caribbean church to like a white church that would be a different, a different vibe oh yeah, and so I remember the first sabbath church ended at 12 and we sat there because we did not know what to do that's so sweet.
Speaker 1:What time did the caribbean church get out?
Speaker 2:like two o'clock one thirty or something like that two, three I know mercy so, yeah, um it. It took some transitioning, but it also challenged their version of religion, their version of worship, and it was happening to all of us, this idea of you must go to church, you must be there all day, you must do certain types of activities. On Sabbath, I mean, it was a high crime to hear you know the people were going to the beach or going on their lake.
Speaker 1:No fun, it's the no fun zone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm sitting there watching 3ABN like I could be at the beach, yeah, so yeah, definitely a change of pace.
Speaker 1:Did you ever go to Wakaiwa Springs? That's in Orlando, right. That's right down by Forest Lake.
Speaker 2:At some point. Yes, by the time I reached high school, yeah, they got a little bit more flexible about what Sabbath looked like, about what Sabbath looked like, and I think that was a beautiful learning and growing, even for me spiritually, that this idea of Sabbath it's so varied and in a sense I think I started to understand why people were upset with Jesus when they were walking through the fields picking grain, because our point of view for what church looked like and what Sabbath reflected was so specific. So we learned a lot more about Sabbath and understanding its intent of rest. And this became very important when my mom got sick and it was one of those events where she had some spots on her body. Obviously I'm dark skinned, so for for spots, black spots, to show up, that's very significant.
Speaker 2:And we went to the hospital um, that was sabbath morning, because the spot showed up friday evening and we get there and we just kept seeing eyes like every 10, 15 minutes, just eyes, just people peeking in. And at some point they said, um, we're going to admit you, and no one said what was wrong. Well, the problem was they didn't know what was wrong. They just saw that my mom's platelet count was like 300. My mom's platelet count was like 300.
Speaker 1:What's a normal platelet count?
Speaker 2:A few thousand.
Speaker 1:Oh no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so they were trying to figure out how she was alive first of all, and at that time the doctors were calling doctors to try to find out.
Speaker 1:That's not good when that happens.
Speaker 2:What's the next step? Because, as far as they're concerned, she was supposed to be dead, she's not supposed to be in the hospital yet, alone drove to the hospital with her child and she's talking, and all of these things. So I guess they finally found a doctor to explain what was going on and what the next procedure and steps were. And, um, yeah, they called to say, hey, do you have someone to take care of the child? Uh, you're going to be here for a while. So my mom had a few blood transfusions, um, and they weren't taking it.
Speaker 2:At some point we just had to pray down heaven because nothing was working. And at some point one of the specialty doctors they were talking to said, well, we're going to have to get only platelets and give to her, and give to her. And by that point my uncles, who are doctors and pharmacists, they were like, oh, this is pretty bad. So we started praying about it and the church was praying about it, and that last, the seventh day, the seventh cycle of transfusion, is what took. Um, and my mom was like she couldn't remember anything. She had asked us to bring her Bible, but the only thing she remembered was and his blood will make me whole that song- Hmm.
Speaker 1:And so what was actually the thing that was wrong? What's it called?
Speaker 2:till today. Uh, there's not really a formal diagnosis for it. The only thing they can deduce is that it's stress induced.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, Mercy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so after that, I don't think I understood how serious it was at the time. I don't think I understood how serious it was at the time, um, but it was serious enough that they were making decisions about which family member was going to take me, should anything happen.
Speaker 1:So how old are you?
Speaker 2:at this point that I was 12.
Speaker 1:Hey, this tough scene for a 12 year old, my daughter's 12. I'm like I don't think that would be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I and I do remember them asking me if anything happens, who would I want to stay with? I don't even remember the answer. I think the other day my mom told me which aunt and I was like, wow, life would have been so, so different. Um, so, yeah, god spared my mom's life. And after that, I mean, there was still challenges, obviously, and I'm now like, okay, there's a point at which, um, I was like I just need to get out of the house, it's time for me to go. And I made it to college. Um, and that was a miracle in and of itself, because I was skipping grades and my mom was pulling me back, so I made it to college at 17.
Speaker 1:You were skipping grades and your mom was pulling you back. What does? That mean. Like you're going one and then she keeps you back a year.
Speaker 2:So I started school early. I was in school at three, pre-k three and and doing well um three.
Speaker 2:That's crazy yeah, uh, that was convenient. So my mom kept me back so that I would be age appropriate for PK. And then I hit second grade, moved schools, and it happened to be a school where they spoke two different languages French or Creole mostly and that's what the teacher spoke and I didn't speak either. So the teacher above was like, hey, she can go to third grade, we know she's smart enough. And so I tested for that, moved to third grade and then when I moved a different school again, uh, for sixth grade, they were trying to test me up again for seventh grade. Um, but my mom was like no, like I'm just trying to keep her socially normal. So I didn't realize. But in high school I did not go to Forest Lake, first I went to Miami Union Academy. I've been to both of them Miami Union down.
Speaker 1:it's a cool little school.
Speaker 2:Yeah and um. I came in with so many credits that I didn't realize that I could have finished high school early. I had literally one class my senior year.
Speaker 1:What year was your senior?
Speaker 2:year Uh 06.
Speaker 1:There's a good chance. I might've met you. That year I was a recruiter and I would. No, I wouldn't have met you Because I I graduated oh. You were at Forest Lake that year. I graduated in oh six from college, and so you had been graduating from high school. The next year I was recruiting and I probably would have been to forest lake, so I just missed you yeah, um.
Speaker 2:So, after trying to think, so, um, who's?
Speaker 1:through high school, still have this strong relationship to god. Who is he? What are you learning?
Speaker 2:I just did. That's how I went to Miami Union, because I was avoiding Forest Lake. But I think with the music program I found my sweet spot. I was able to pick up instruments, sing, and so that became like a safe haven. So I was in both choirs, I was in both bands and I was learning.
Speaker 1:Okay, I wanted to take a real quick break from the episode. I just recorded an episode with somebody who heard about Love Reality because a friend shared an Internet church thing on Instagram. Just a little, hey, come to Internet church. They came to Internet church. They were like what is this? They started listening to the podcast and months and months later they said it was a slow burn. But they learned how much God loves them Just from coming to Internet Church and then jumping into the Bible studies, jumping into the podcast. They have a new view of God's love for them and to that I say praise the Lord.
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Speaker 2:I think God, through that point, was there, but it was still more of like God helped me to get to college because that was just my focus at that point. So I picked up all these college classes my senior year and so I made it to college.
Speaker 1:What did you? Want to study.
Speaker 2:I wanted to be a pilot originally. That would have been cool and so, but I was also too scared to go to the faraway schools because the only adventist schools that had um andrews I didn't even know andrews had it it was uh, I think it was puc and then avondale in australia like one's really far, and one's not like the other, the exact other side of the world, far.
Speaker 2:Right and I was like, as much as I want to get away from my house, I think Avondale is too far, so so, um, but I I wasn't sure of like what I wanted to do. I knew I was smart enough to go to medical school and probably become a surgeon, but I wasn't. I've again met miserable adults and didn't want to be that. So I was trying to figure it out. So I double majored in physics and music theory. At Southern.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. And what I did not realize when I got to Southern was how much stuff I needed to unpack emotionally and mentally about my life thus far. And so I was not doing well in college and for being smart and not having to do real studying for school, college was a curve ball. I was not academically ready. And it wasn't that I wasn't academically ready, it was that I had all these things that had happened and it was just like escape. And I escaped and then it was like, oh well, what am I supposed to do now? And that first semester did terribly. I barely the only thing that saved me was the college credits I came in with, Because I was either dropping classes or flunking a class.
Speaker 1:That first semester is key, right Like you could be digging yourself out of a hole for the rest of your career if you mess around that first semester.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the part that was so frustrating was that I was doing everything I could. I was studying, that's all I was doing. I was trying to dig myself out of a hole that I didn't necessarily need to, and I was not asking God for help with my studies, and it was just like this has always been easy. I never had to work for my grades, the grades just came. So there was that adjustment. There was the social adjustments. I had never really lived away from home and food was a difficult subject. Uh, I thought a casserole was like a TV joke. I had no idea that was a real thing what you're an Adventist.
Speaker 1:You never had a special Caleb, no, never met, never met it Okay. So our Adventist from Trinidad are they vegan? Are vegetarian? Are they like we? We eat it all yeah, you're eating meat.
Speaker 2:I mean, granted, like I grew up mostly vegetarian, um, but that was again my personal preference. Like I did not like beef because it was called beef and not cow, chickens, chicken's called chicken, fish is called fish but pig is called pork, then I won't be about it. So beef got thrown out of the house.
Speaker 1:You'd rather eat cow? I feel like that's way worse.
Speaker 2:It wasn't called cow, so it was not on the agenda. I don't want no parts.
Speaker 1:We need to unpack this later. Make a note.
Speaker 2:No, but I probably helped save the family's life because the time I was having that connuption in the house was right before mad cow disease.
Speaker 1:Praise the Lord.
Speaker 2:So yeah.
Speaker 1:So you got to Southern and you're like what is this, what is?
Speaker 2:this and I could not unpack. I didn't have the coping skills and the tools to unpack everything that was happening and I didn't know it. So the beginning of the next semester I'm like, okay, let's figure out what I'm trying to do here. Money's being spent on tuition. I don't know what's going on. And thankfully, at the beginning of that semester I started checking other departments out, trying to figure out where's research, because I realized I liked research. But trying to figure out where is research, Because I realized I liked research but I didn't know where to find it. And so that beginning of next semester, that's where my focus was Try to find a degree where research is, because physics is not it. Amazing professors, I worked for them, yeah.
Speaker 1:God bless you. Physics is terrible. It's like the marriage between math and science, and I'm not cool with either one of them. And now they're married, oh no.
Speaker 2:That and on paper. I should have been killing physics on paper because math and science were my strongest subjects.
Speaker 1:So were you really good at like algebra, my strongest subjects? Were you really good at like algebra? Yes, you know. Okay, my sister is like a genius and her hardest class in college was physics. Like she got an A in G bi and A in GCam. Took them at the same semester, but physics was just so hard and maybe it's just the way her brain worked. I think sometimes you can be really smart, but physics is like it's like the curveball that you're like. It doesn't work with the way your mind is set up. I know it doesn't work with the way my mind is set up, but I'm not a genius um well, what I found out was all of the sciences falling apart.
Speaker 2:for me was the Lord catching my attention?
Speaker 1:Mercy.
Speaker 2:Um, because those were the things I held on to and knew I was good at. And the Lord's like that's not where we're heading. Hmm. Um. So I finally found the psychology department, cause they were like the one department really talking about research and such and I was like, huh, the brain, uh, hadn't thought about it outside of like that's really cool surgeries that they have. Um, but never thought of the ins and outs.
Speaker 1:You want to be Ben Carson and split people's uh Siamese twins. That's what you wanted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I thought that was really cool.
Speaker 1:I mean that is really cool, but we're not all geniuses like Ben Carson.
Speaker 2:So that was the other thought, and so I still hadn't made up my mind medical school, graduate school or what to do. So I started pivoting towards psychology, still trying to figure it out. And that year they had I think it was the first year that nationwide they started doing like a depression screening for college college students and I took the depression screening, thinking why are they even handing this out? I found out why. I was one point away from the beginning of suicidality.
Speaker 1:You're like. I'm not even like one point away from depression. I'm knee deep into depression.
Speaker 2:I'm knee deep into depression, knee deep. High functioning depression, oh wow, and it was. Had you considered hurting yourself by this point? No, I think I had a bout of it as a small child, but it was not identified as that I was. I always had cuts.
Speaker 1:I was riding my bike, riding any extreme sport you can give me a skateboard, rollerblades or whatever and I'm going to do the daredevil. Stuff is a term of the last 20 years that maybe when we were growing up they didn't use that term, and I think it's cultural as well. I don't think like Hispanic people are like back when I was growing up, like oh, you have depression, no, it's just like, you're just sad.
Speaker 2:There's in our culture. There's almost no opportunity to be sad. Go do something. Yeah.
Speaker 2:In a sense. So that was the shock of life. And now I'm like well, what am I supposed to do? Because culturally, I'm out of my mind. We don't get depression, we don't get anxiety of my mind, we don't. We don't get depression, we don't get anxiety Like everyone's crazy. If you fall into this category of um diagnosis, as it were and at the time no one gave me a diagnosis I was just falling down the rabbit hole of like this is not what we do for a culture. We don't get depressed. So I powered on and thankfully, someone followed up and it was the first time I went to counseling, had never heard of it, Never knew who she was. So Was that?
Speaker 1:helpful to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Praise God Was that helpful to you? Yeah, it was everything I needed and didn't know that I needed to articulate and talk to someone about what was happening, what had happened and how I got there. All I knew was that I just needed to make it to college and I succeeded in that and I had no up. There was no other place to go and I wasn't functioning in this place. That was like the one space that I was built to function in. So I started going to counseling, um, and I started psychology program and it changed my life, um, it made so much sense and in the back of my mind, I still had going to medical school, um, and so I was now talking to God a little bit more because things made a little bit more sense. And thankfully, at Southern they will have a Christian counselor, usually Adventists, and so that helped bridge the gap.
Speaker 2:And I was reading one day and I found I want to say it's in Isaiah. I want to say it's an Isaiah and the verse that talks about for unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given and the government will be on his shoulder and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace and that gave me pause to understand that, like, although my culture has some discrepancies with counseling, that god was so intentional about including that he is a counselor. So that's how I dealt with the discrepancies of my culture and going to counseling and didn't really tell anyone for a while. So at the end of college, um, they have for student mission, you know, weekend, and it might've been my last year at Southern, there was a weekend and I actually paid attention, or at least the Holy Spirit got my attention.
Speaker 1:There's something about the idea of leaving college and that you're like I've been tweaking this whole time, like I've been kind of paying attention, but life is about to happen. What, what am I going to do? Like that last year, that last semester of college, you're running scared a little bit. I speak of her experience, like you're like what is life?
Speaker 2:And I had no idea Cause again, no one's labeling these things of like this is normal, like some people have a game plan and can go out into their work field and do all the work and there are others of you that you're going to take a different pathway and that is okay. Um, so I, I think I cause I did two senior years. First year was rough. Super senior, super senior, don't tell young Renise. I said that that's gross. So I was like I don't want to wait, or I wanted to wait rather, for graduation to then go out as a student missionary. So I was trying to figure out, like what option was there for me and the only one was Korea, going to South Korea. So I found myself signing up to go to South Korea.
Speaker 1:You're going to teach English.
Speaker 2:To teach English, yeah, man alive In Seoul. I started in a city outside of Seoul, three hours away, in the traditional part of Korea, Jeonju. So I was spoiled with food because they still rock hard with the traditional recipes and I did eight months there and then I moved to Suji, which is a little bit outside, 40 minutes outside of Seoul.
Speaker 1:Okay, help me with this. Is gochujang, is that Korean, or is gochujang like that's Korean?
Speaker 2:flavor. Right, that's Korean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Did you end up loving that kind of food.
Speaker 2:Yes, interestingly enough, I have a very unique palate for Korean food. Korean food can be amazing. I love living there. I've had my Korean friends or past students say that I have a very bougie palate and I was like. I lived in Junju, which is like they still have some of the King's recipes and they stick. They stick to some of the the old school stuff. Um. So yeah, I got great food.
Speaker 1:Um how long were you in South Korea?
Speaker 2:A year and so, while I was there, um at that point, korea was in the top three of suicide rates. Death by suicide, suicide ideation, all of these different metrics.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that honor and shame culture.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so I kept hearing people. When I came back they were saying, or before I came back, they were like, hey, this might be because of, you know, collectivistic culture and all of these things. I'm like no, for going to medical school. And so I was like, well, I guess I'm going to graduate school.
Speaker 2:So I returned to Southern to do my master's in counseling because I wanted to get to the bottom of like, I don't think what people are saying are quite accurate about this culture. I think there's so many nuances to why people are dying by suicide, nuances to why people are dying by suicide. And that's how I returned to Southern for the counseling program, to the shock of a few professors, because, as you know, I'm a hard science and math girl, but the other side to my spiritual gifts is counseling. Um, that is completely God-given. Uh, it was proven as I went through school, um, that there were things that I did instinctively that are usually taught years into your experience.
Speaker 2:Um, so after graduate school, I um came home and now I am faced with a whole different set of situations, which were illnesses my mom's siblings. They were a lot older and so they were falling ill and my mom was taking care of her sister and I was working and trying to sort out you know, being early twenties or mid twenties trying to sort out career and so my mom taking care of her sister and I was frustrated because I'm like you, have a full-time teaching job, 30 plus children, and you're trying to take care of your sister full-time. So I decided you, you can't take on this stress, I don't need you to die early, let me step in and do that. And oh, I was upset with God, I was mad, I was big mad, but it turned out to be the biggest blessing of my life to spend almost two years taking care of my aunt my aunt.
Speaker 2:And in the midst of that, again I'm going back to well, what am I doing next? How do I go forward? And again searching for research. And so I took on some temporary work and ended up at a startup company and that was a big blessing in disguise, I didn't know at the time. At some point I got sick and in my sickness I was challenged for the first time with the notion that I may or may not have children, because I was dealing with fibroids, the same way my mom dealing with fibroids. And that was hard. So I kind of like brushed it aside because again I had work to do.
Speaker 2:I was holding one of the biggest projects the company ever had. It was a billion dollar project at minimum, and I was a program manager. So I was holding everything from the engineering side to the customer facing side. And my surgery was smack dead on the same exact day of the launch Because this was like a career changing. Uh, I'm now catapult into the limelight of the company, kind of thing and um, yeah, I can't do anything, I have to go have surgery. Um, so I was having conversations with the Lord and I had to hand over my project and disappear for surgery.
Speaker 2:So I was like all right, you know, thank God I had insurance, thank God I had a job that paid for it, thank God for all of these things and regrouping. And then the pandemic happened and that was such an eye-opening experience for me because the Lord was preparing me for something I had no idea. I was doing counseling in a fintech company because it was a pandemic, people were struggling to deal and cope and I was giving people permission to find a counselor and educating people how to find a counselor and educating people on what to do with their children during this time and how do you do certain things.
Speaker 2:And that became a conversation because of the death of George Floyd. That really kind of zoned in some of the issues people are already having in the pandemic. But it just highlighted so many things and I understood Jonah for the first time of like running away and not wanting to do something. And I also understood Elijah when, um he when he had this mountaintop experience and also the deep valley Because after I was doing so many things for the company on panels or helping make decisions and helping people navigate I turned around and I was like the church hasn't said anything about George Floyd or any of the racial distress and unrest that was happening. And I think in that moment the Lord reminded me of like everyone's walking this journey of relationship with him and everyone's going to have a moment of reckoning with who Jesus really was here on earth. And so that was a moment of pause and I remember going like Elijah I'm the only prophet, there's no one else Because it felt so isolating in that time to be talking about counseling, to be talking about the racial unrest and not really seeing anything show up in our church rest and not really seeing anything show up in our church so fast forward, like a few years after getting introduced to Love Reality, I was like, oh so there are other people who are walking and talking and living like Jesus, and that was an answer to prayer.
Speaker 2:So that's what I eventually realized in that season was that I hadn't been paying attention to all the answered prayers the Lord had given to me from my childhood till now. So that's why I took Inventorio at that point was keeping track of all the great things God had done and really journaling and marking these things. Um. So I have a receipt from Publix the other day where I got, um, some iron tablets for a dollar 30 cents. Um, because that just doesn't happen and it doesn't make sense and only God can provide something like that.
Speaker 1:So that, I think, is so how did you run into us?
Speaker 2:So I don't know if you know Elias Rivera Mm-hmm. Forest Lake, forest Lake. Yeah, so he introduced me to the love of reality. Um, actually to the death to life, podlet podcast. Um, the death to life podcast, yes the one that we're on right now.
Speaker 1:So exact one, yeah when you first started hearing it. What did you? What did you think about? Like, what was standing out?
Speaker 2:I think for me it was just to find like-minded people, people who were trying to live congruent with the Holy Spirit. I had seen so many miracles in my life, so many doors open by God and this idea of Paul to Saul or sorry, saul to Paul, right, right, right. I was a child going Jesus transforms people, jesus changes people, and I was looking forward to that in my life as a child going like God can change the people, the miserable adults around me, and had no idea that God was really just trying to change me. And so to meet other people whose lives have been changed and transformed by Jesus. It was like an oasis in the desert, because for so long it felt like there weren't many people who were really living by the word and believing the word of God and walking by the word of God.
Speaker 1:Was it hard to grab on to the idea that we are free from and dead to sin?
Speaker 2:No, no, because it was weird to me to see all of these miracles that God, that Jesus, did on earth, and to be free from sin seemed to be like the only reason he would die on the cross, here and now. We should have that access here and now.
Speaker 1:it was done at the cross, finished yeah, if he didn't do that, that would be pretty sad. Like it's just like well, you have an opportunity, rather than just breaking us out of jail right there and giving us access to divine nature. Yeah, that we can actually be his hands and feet and we don't have to walk around. Just well, we're all sinners, brother, we're all strugglers, but that we can actually go after this thing and we can actually be a city on a hill. You know, I think that's matthew 6 that we're cities on a hill, that people will see our good fruit and glorify or see our our, our light shine and we glorify our father in heaven. And so when you, when you ran into us, the idea like, oh, these guys, they understand transformation.
Speaker 2:That's what really yeah, that it's real, it's possible and man, he set us free. It's a done work and embrace it and live it. There's so many, I think, bible, bible verses that you learn as a child and yet there are a lot of people who've learned this information but have not received transformation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the purpose is transformation. We're here to be transformed back into the image of God, which is love. Well, renise, I've seen you, you know, on the Bible study. I was like who is this person? And you were asking real questions and I've just been impressed for your heart, for truth and speaking life over people, which I thought you started doing that pretty early on, from even joining.
Speaker 1:I think the one I saw you the most on was the Wednesday morning one, and so you've just been a blessing and you've been a testimony, and to hear what God has done and brought you from, and it's a testimony to me. So if we're jumping back in into the time machine, I think we're going to go back to this sweet girl who is just angry, right. So if we're jumping back in the time machine and we're going to go back, I think we got to go back to this sweet girl who's just living with some anger and some hatred. And if you got to go and put your arm around this sweet girl and minister to her in the midst of her anger, what would you say to her?
Speaker 2:That God really loves you, really cares. He's really there. He's never left you or forsake you. He's never left you or forsake you and even though it's hard to be steadfast in your beliefs in him, keep holding on. It gets better. God will answer those prayers. It may not be the next day, but God is working. He's never stopped working. God's faithful isn't he.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Renise. You're a blessing to us. Thank you.