Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#228 Audree Curry, Chains Falling: A Story of Redemption
Audree shares her powerful journey from carrying overwhelming guilt and shame over past mistakes to finding complete freedom in Christ and learning that God's love transcends our darkest moments.
• Growing up under a controlling father who ruled the family with a strict, dictatorial approach
• Running away from home at 17 and facing an unplanned pregnancy without support
• Choosing abortion and carrying the heavy burden of guilt for two decades
• Joining the military, getting married, and struggling with postpartum depression
• Committing adultery during a difficult period and almost destroying her marriage
• Facing her father's cancer diagnosis and death while dealing with marital crisis
• Finding a church community where she could ask questions and learn about God's grace
• Getting baptized and experiencing a transformative moment of freedom
• Sharing her testimony publicly and watching how her vulnerability helped others heal
• Understanding that one in four women have had abortions and many carry hidden pain
"I no longer had to carry the guilt and the shame and the unforgiveness for myself, the condemnation, all of it. It just fell away."
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The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:I was distraught. There was just so much guilt and shame and I mean I walked out of that place going I murdered that baby. I'm like I did that, nobody else did that, I did that, nobody else did that, I did that. And little bit later but I knew the Ten Commandments and to me I was like I just murdered someone.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with Audrey, and I got to know Audrey through Wes and she's been coming to the Bible studies. But just hearing this story which is not for kids you just get to see and hear her heart and the journey that she's been on and how God has blessed her. And pretty raw. But we like the stories where God just shows us how much he loves us, and he has certainly showed Audrey how much she is loved and it's just a super blessing. So buckle up, strap in, love y'all and appreciate y'all. Here is Audrey. All right, audrey, where are you going to take us? Where does the? Where does the story start?
Speaker 2:Um, I do think we're probably going to have to start when I was a child Um, I was a child Um really when, so, to begin with, my father I absolutely love him, but he had his own demons. Um, he had a lot of a lot of anger, a lot of resentment and he had not worked through it and it came out in ways that it probably shouldn't have come out all the time. Um, while I was never physically abused, definitely there were some times of verbal abuse, you know, things like I said things that shouldn't have been said and, as a general rule, the way he kind of ruled the family as a general rule the way he kind of ruled the family was.
Speaker 2:He was a very much a kind of a dictator, um, so whatever he said, it went and, and that was that was just the case. That was what happened, um. So I remember I think really kind of my story started when I was around 17 to 18 years old. I was homeschooled, so by that point I had been working with my father, owned his own business. He was a general contractor and he had my brother and I working with him at a young age, like we would do our school, and sometimes we'd either do it in the morning and then work with him in the afternoons, or we would do all of our school, like load up on it and do it earlier in the week, and then we'd have a couple of days to work with him and um, which was cool, cause it allowed us to learn a new trade. But you know, it was just that's just kind of what we've always done. And so I earned my own money from a pretty early age and, uh, I would say when he was about, or when I was about 17 years old, I was still working with him, but I had was earning and paying for my own phone, okay, um, and I was going off and doing things like I would. I was, uh, dancing, like doing ballroom dancing. So I had met one of my first boyfriends there, actually, and I guess we argued a lot because my dad was just like hey, uh, you guys are, you're not really compatible, okay. And he I think he tried telling me that a few times, but I didn't really listen to him and I was like no, we're, like, we're gonna, we're gonna make it, cause it's my first boyfriend Like this is this is the one Right, yeah, I know, but that's kind of just my mentality.
Speaker 2:Well, there was one day he came in and he goes you know what, you're not allowed to date him anymore. And we had probably been dating for about a year at that point. And again, I'm 17, like I'm about to turn 18 years old, and uh, he goes, he says you're not allowed to date him anymore. And I said, dad, like I pay my own phone bill, I'm going to still talk to him. Well, as you can imagine, that went over real well. Um, he blew up and which was kind of his reaction, and he was like you live in my house, you live under my rules, you will do as I say. And I said bye, um, I packed up my car, I loaded all my clothes and, uh, left, which, at the time we were living in Mississippi, which is apart from all of the rest of any extended family that I have like everybody else lives in other parts of the United States, and, um, so I have literally no one to go to, like no family, no, anything.
Speaker 2:So naturally, things happened and I went to my now you know, my boyfriend's house and he was still living with his family and uh it. So it was the parents, the sisters and sometimes their husbands. They're all an Italian family, so they were all very like close knit, and so I was the parents, the sisters and sometimes their husbands they're all an italian family, so they were all very like close-knit, and so I was. They were like, open arms, welcomed me in and uh, so now I'm living at my boyfriend's house and, mind you, throughout my childhood I didn't push the line, like I was never one to break rules. I would follow the rules, like, if you told me not to do something, I, generally speaking, I listened, and so he said. So here we are, I'm at this house and, of course, I got the whole virginity talk and I was absolutely a virgin still. But now I'm living in my boyfriend's house Well, things happen, okay.
Speaker 2:So I had lost my virginity at that point and it probably went on like this for about four months. So, mind you, my job was with my dad. We're no longer talking. I've moved out of their house, so I've also now lost my job. So here I am kind of in their family just happens to own a restaurant and a nail salon, and so I'm working as a waiter in their restaurant and that's kind of just where awkwardly things are at. Like, I'm refusing to go back, I don't want to go back to this you know person that has been, you know, living with me under his thumb the entire time. I'm tired and it's kind of nice, honestly. It was kind of nice to wake up and know that I wasn't going to be yelled at like really and truly, like that's kind of just where I was at it was. It was a little bit less stress and overall I, I want I really the timelines start getting muddled, honestly. I really can't. I don't know what the timelines were, but I couldn't have been with them for more than a few months four or five months really and but their businesses start to decline and they're like you know what we're done. We don't want to live in Mississippi anymore. We're actually going to move back to North Carolina, which is where they originally from. Okay, so this is the. They just were like we're done. So they start selling off the businesses and stuff.
Speaker 2:In this timeframe that I'm with living with this very short timeframe that I'm with them and I'm kind of faced with this decision, because they're asking are you going with us? And, mind you, the relationship between he and I were not very good. Like in hindsight, my dad was absolutely right, it just went about it the wrong way, but it just wasn't very good and uh, and so I'm like I don't really want to go with this family, but I don't want to go back to my dad's house. I don't know what to do. Um, so I'm feeling kind of just boxed in with nowhere else to go and in this timeframe it kind of comes down to like the night before they're leaving they're leaving.
Speaker 2:The next day I'm still at their house. My parents are somewhat aware of what's happening. I had kind of talked to them a little bit about you know what was happening, but our communication was very, very minimal and I think my grandmother had called me and I told her what was going on. And so that night I'm laying in this room by myself and I'm just sitting there contemplating like I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, I don't want to go back to my dad's house, you know. And my grandmother calls me and she says Audrey, don't leave with them. If you'll go back to your parents' house for just this one night, I'll buy you a ticket to come see me and you can live with us for a period of time until your parents come, cause they were planning on going to Colorado for a wedding in like I don't know a couple months period. And she said you can live with me till they come and then you can go back with them. And I said yes, and so at that point I was just like yeah, yeah, that's, that sounds good.
Speaker 2:So I loaded my stuff up and I went back to my parents' house and things were extremely awkward that night. Nobody really said anything. They were, we were all kind of walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around each other and um. But the next day they carried me to the airport and I'm on a flight to uh, to Colorado, to my grandparents' house, and so, again, this was probably about a four month, five month timeframe that I was with, had been living with them, um, so not a long time, but not a real short time either.
Speaker 2:And so we go to my grandparents' house, or I get to my grandparents' house and they, you know, they have a lodge and so I've got my own room and stuff and I'm kind of just left to my own devices and they're, you know, they're feeding me well, they're, you know, nobody's really like saying anything about the situation or anything, but I ended up, um, so I'm just kind of living there, and at that point I'm starting to lose weight a lot, and I'm not a big person to begin with, and at that time I was probably only around 114 pounds, and so now I'm losing weight, I'm not sick, I'm not anything, um, other than I'm just noticing my clothes are fitting looser and um. And so I had an inkling and I was like you know what, I don't want anybody to know, I don't want to say anything to anybody and my communication with that boyfriend or ex-boyfriend cause I didn't really know what we were at that point, um was very minimal. We would still talk here and there, but it wasn't a whole lot. Talk here and there, but it wasn't a whole lot.
Speaker 2:And so I ended up walking to one of the local stores and they had a pregnancy test. And so I bought this pregnancy test and I took it to the bathroom of that store and I took the test and immediately it came back positive. And so I'll be honest, like my world kind of came crashing down around me Like what I thought was rock bottom at their house that night. This was even more rock bottom because now I'm kind of homeless, like I don't have a job, um, what am I going to do? And um, that was hard, but I didn't want to tell anybody because I knew everybody was just kind of on watch, like what is you know? Is she pregnant? Like what's, what's going on? So nobody was really saying anything to me and I wasn't saying anything to them.
Speaker 2:So it was very, it was a very lonesome time, um, because, to be honest, I really didn't have many, if any, friends at that point and it was I felt very alone. And so I'm carrying this secret in me, on me, and eventually the two months pass by pretty quickly and my parents are there for my aunt's wedding and family starts flying in and just kind of chaos happened because of the wedding and but eventually it ends and I've got to go home with my parents and I'm not too crazy about this idea, but I've, I got to do something. And so I go home and we fly back and we're back in Mississippi and I start working with my dad again. So I'm, you know, again he's a general contractor. I was primarily his painter.
Speaker 2:Um, so I did a lot of painting walls, but we did anything from destruct, you know, destruction. We did anything from destruction to rebuild it all up tiling, grouting, painter, lacquers, thinners, you name the chemical. I'm probably inhaling it, I'm probably around it, and so I'm doing a lot of hard and physical labor and so I'm not gaining weight at all, like, in fact, I'm maintaining and or losing weight to a certain extent. And I think my dad was the first person who I told, oddly enough. And I told him and I said, dad, I'm pregnant, and he looks at me and he goes I'm not going to take care of your baby.
Speaker 2:And I just remember being crushed in that moment Because not only am I living at his house, my job is dependent upon him and I, I can't keep on lifting these weights and, you know, painting and doing all of this extremely hard labor and maintain this, this pregnancy, in a healthy way, but this is all I've known my entire life. And so I eventually told my mom as well, pretty shortly thereafter, and my mom was like Audrey, you know he doesn't think that, you know that that's not true, like that would be different. And I was like Mom, you know he doesn't think that, you know that that's not true, like that would be different. And I was like mom, I don't think that's it. And I just remember being so crushed in that moment because I needed support, I needed help and it wasn't there.
Speaker 2:And at that point, like I knew that God existed, like we had gone to church on and off throughout my life, but it was never with any kind of consistency, and so to me, it was just like you had sex before marriage. So, therefore, this is punishment, that's kind of what it felt like, like you did wrong and this is, this is, this is your payback, this is the consequence of that. And so that's kind of just where I was. Like life was rough, life hurt right then, and, uh, I still just continue to feel alone the entire time. And I remember telling in Colorado, I remember telling the, the boyfriend at the exit, that point, cause we never officially broke it off, so I never knew what had happened. But looking back it's like, yeah, of course you're done. But I remember calling him and I remember telling him that I was pregnant and he goes oh okay, and that was it. Like he, he didn't. He didn't say anything, he didn't do anything, he didn't, you know, want any part of it. And I'm pretty sure that was actually one of the last calls that I had made to him and he never called me from that point, so contact with him was completely gone.
Speaker 2:And I'm, you know, sitting in this place of. You know, my mom wants me to believe that my dad cares, but I'm not getting that feeling, and so I was just very down. And so now I'm faced with this decision, right, like my dad has told me this, and as a general rule, when my dad says something like that's the way it's going to be, like there's usually not a lot of gray area in that. And so I'm sitting with this decision of what do I do? Because there's no way, there's no way I can be nine months pregnant, eight months pregnant, and still doing the work that I'm doing. And I mean, I didn't know a whole lot about this, but it doesn't take a genius to think about how, like, all these chemicals are probably not good for us either.
Speaker 2:And so then my mom was like, well, what about? What about adoption? And I was like mom, there's absolutely no way that I can give a child away. Like I just I couldn't, like it was a. It was a very selfish thought, but that is exactly where I felt like I, like it was a. It was a very selfish thought, but that is exactly where I felt, like I, there's no way. And how am I going to work again? How am I going to work and continue to do this which I had no clue about? I had no real clue or understanding about adoption. So I was coming from a place of ignorance. But this is the way I thought, like there's no way I could continue to work and carry this child and then be asked to give this child away at the end, like there's just no way.
Speaker 2:And so I had eventually made the decision to abort the child, and I honestly don't know how far in the pregnancy I was. I do know that I was like later first trimester, maybe even to the second but I didn't know because there was. There was no healthcare or anything for me. At that point I didn't want to even imagine that it existed. Carry so much shame just from thinking about this innocent child, is that and so. But at the moment that's just where I was it just felt like a burden, it felt heavy, something I got to do something about. And uh, so I had the abortion and the minute that the procedure was done, I cry and I cried and I cried.
Speaker 1:I'm so sorry. It was.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. It was not a place that I would ever recommend for a single person, but that's just where I was and of course they give you this paperwork like these are things you need to watch out for fevers and, you know, depression, you know they just they give you this about this but like they don't really know, really know, and so I'm left to, you know, just kind of heal in my bed for a while and you know my parents continue to take care of me, you know. But physically I recovered just fine. Mentally I was distraught. There was just so much guilt and shame and I mean I walked out of that place going. I murdered that baby. I'm like I did that, nobody else did that, I did that baby. I'm like I did that, nobody else did that, I did that. And so for me which I, the one of the few things that had been kind of pushed in our like our head and we were taught growing up was the 10 commandments in our like our head and we were taught growing up was the ten commandments, and I'll get into this a little bit later. But I knew the ten commandments and to me I was like I just murdered someone and so mentally it was just uh, yet again, just let me checkmark something else that I did wrong and I physically, like I said I healed just fine Went back to work with my father.
Speaker 2:I had already graduated high school. So by the time I had moved out, like I was already done with high school. And then In the next couple of years I just kind of I started college, was going to college, college was going to college. Um, but always, always in the back of my head, I it was a day to day fight to just not be depressed. Um, it was just hard.
Speaker 2:I remember there was a quote, I was always one to try. I was always trying to find, you know, self-help books, or read that, or you know you can do better and listen to motivational podcasts, and while they would help temporarily, they just never lasted, like the, the, the, it would always come back. And there was one motivational quote and my way of like dealing with it was there was one motivational quote and I really, honestly, as much as I read it, I really surprised by. I can't remember it, but it said something along the lines of the past has, no, is nothing but baggage, it has no power over you today, or something along those lines, and I wrote the the this quote in like very large letters and I put it on the back of my door. So whenever cause I always slept with my door closed, so when I woke up I would see it, and whenever I would fall asleep I would see it. So it was always the first and the last thing that I saw every night and every morning. And uh and uh, that was just kind of how I lived day to day for a while. Like you know, eventually it got a little bit easier, but it was always there. There was always a guilt and shame and unforgiveness for myself and like, how could you do that? And you know, you knew, you knew better, you're better than this. Like it was just a lot of self condemnation and um, so that was.
Speaker 2:I was 18 at that point and so, like I said, I went back to work with my. My relationship with my father got a lot better. He still had his issues, but I was able to see past them a little bit easier as I got older. So I'm working with my dad. I had started working at the dance studio, I went back to ballroom dancing and I was working on getting my certification as being an instructor and I'm going to college and I'm literally busy, just so busy like college. During the day I would get off and I would go to work with dad. I would work there for a few hours and then I'd get off from there, run home, take a shower and then I would run to the studio and, um, I would work there till 10 o'clock at night and I did this for a few years Like I just kept myself busy, busy, busy, busy, like if you're busy you can't think, and that's what I did.
Speaker 2:And eventually, towards the end, I'm about six months out from graduating. About six months out from graduating, um, I meet. I had a few boyfriends here and there, but nothing with any kind of nothing that I would just really want to stay with Um. But eventually, at about six months out from college, I met my now husband and um as we're getting to know each other we're, you know, talking and stuff and I said something. I said, yeah, when I was 15, my dad read the, the bible, and he goes, he saw the 10 commandments and, uh, the sabbath is on Saturday, it's on the 7th. You know, it's on Saturday, it's not on Sunday, it's on the seventh day. And and then I was like, and also he made us like, completely quit all unclean animals. And so I'm telling you, and I was like God, it was horrible. And he's like looking at me and I was like it was absolutely horrible.
Speaker 2:So when I was 15 years old, my dad is, we were kind of ish going to church at that point, but the church had fallen apart, and so he's still kind of reading his Bible and he read the 10 commandments and he's like, oh yeah, saturday, saturday is the Sabbath, it's on the seventh day, and so, therefore, we're no longer doing anything on Saturday, friday nights and Saturday. And I was like what? So, mind you, at that time my dad and I also were, we were riding horses, I was competing a lot. Guess, we're in the rodeos, and the horse shows were Friday and Saturday night. Um, I'm angry, because this is like I love this. This is where my socialization came in, you know, and you're telling me I can now not ride my horse because now I'm forcing my horse to work. Man, I was mad.
Speaker 2:It did not go over well for me at all. Now, my brother and mother, they, on the other hand which I do question. I have never asked my mother this, but I honestly believe my dad just decided that this is what we were going to do and this is what we did. I don't think there was any communication between my mother and my brother, or my brother, mother and father, because she seemed just as shocked and not okay with it as we were. Um, so here we are. They were more okay with the Saturday, like the Saturday.
Speaker 2:They were like cool, we don't have to work, like my dad, who was also a workaholic, just busy, busy, busy, always, always, always. And uh, so now we're not doing anything and it's nice in a way, but I don't like it because now I can't ride my horse, I can't go to the horse shows. Um, and I remember my friends asking me well, why aren't y'all going to the horse shows? Because it's Sabbath, why, I don't know, it's what dad's told me. You know, that was just my relationship with the 10 commandments. I don't know. Dad told me, dad told me this is what I have to do, and uh, but then he's like we're not going to eat any unclean animals.
Speaker 2:Now, I didn't mind this one. Personally, I didn't really care for pork to begin with, shrimp, all that stuff. It didn't bother me. My brother and mother, on the other hand that's the one they took beef with Like they're like what, like we can't eat this, like what. But this is what we were doing, all as a family. Like this is because dad said so, and this is what the Bible says is what we got to do, and so we did this. And, in addition to that, we're also not celebrating any holiday. That is not in the Bible. That is not in the Bible.
Speaker 2:Hmm, yo, I remember Christmas Day, that one year we went and slaughtered a goat and we as a family had to like butcher this goat. Oh my God. And I just remember thinking what a weird.
Speaker 2:Christmas. What a weird Like what, like what. But this is just what we did, because this is what my dad did and this is what we were all doing, because this is what dad said, you know. And so I'm, I'm telling my um, my then boyfriend, my husband now, uh, telling him this. And he goes, audrey, he goes, did y'all never go to church? And I said there's no church that goes on Saturday. He goes, what? Yes, there is. He goes. This was my church. I grew up in this church and I said what is that? And he goes Seventh Day Adventist. I was like what? That's a thing, you know? And I was just like shocked by this. He goes, yeah, so we kind of just connected on that point. I was like, well, I got news for you, I ain't all about that life, like that was terrible and but he's like, no, but the way he talked about it, I was like, oh, maybe we just did this wrong, I don't know. You know, and so not, that my husband at that time was really an avid churchgoer because he was kind of had his own issues with the church and the way he was raised. But he was like, no, it's not that bad. I was like I don't know about this and so. So there was that. So I met him.
Speaker 2:Our relationship kind of continues to deepen, our relationship kind of continues to deepen, and he had just actually gotten out of the military and went back to college and so he had just done six years in. And he's talking about this and you know all the stuff he did and the camaraderie that he had and he's like man, you know. I know I hated it when I got out but I sure wish I could join back in. And he talks about it so often that I'm like maybe I should join the military, like I don't know. I don't know that I want to be a dance instructor for the rest of my life and I love my horses, but that's hard work. I don't know if I want to do that anymore and I'm going to college, but I don't really know what I want to be. And I don't know if I want to work with my dad for the rest of my life. Like I don't mind being a general contractor, but I just I don't know. I've already done this for five years, seven years. I was about eight years by that point. So I don't know what I want to do with my life, and so I was like maybe I should join the military.
Speaker 2:So, the more Gideon continues to talk about the military, I'm like this, I'm going to do this, I'm going to join the military. And so I'm talking to a recruiter and I was around 22, 23 at this point in my life and, um, I ended up. I'm like I'm going to join, join the military. So I've signed up for one job, which I don't even remember what it was and but it was like a job that I was supposed to ship out to basic like six months later. And I already kind of knew that Gideon and I were going to get married, because we were talking about it Like we had had conversations and stuff.
Speaker 2:It was just a matter of like, when is he going to pop the question, kind of thing. And he did, we, we had gotten um engaged, and then the recruiter calls and he says hey, I said what's up. He goes I got this really cool job that just opened up. Someone fell out. He goes you're the only one that's qualified, because you scored high enough on the ASVAB to even qualify for this job. Do you want it? And I was like, what is it? And so he's talking to me about this job and I said, well, when is it? He goes? The only thing is, audrey, it ships out in two months or no, it ships out in two weeks. So like super fast turnaround.
Speaker 2:I like I had to make an immediate decision. I was like, uh, I guess yeah. So I kind of I called Gideon and I was like listen, I don't know anything about this. Like, let's like, what do you know? And he goes I don't know anything about that job, but it sounds really cool. And I was like, yeah, it does, doesn't it? He goes, you should do it. And I said, all right. And so I called the recruiter back and I was like, all right, yeah, I'm going to take this. It wasn't two weeks, it was a little, a little bit of time, but not by much.
Speaker 2:And I remember Gideon had worked he worked nights at that time and I worked of course, during the day college, all the things and he got off work and I said, gideon, let's go get married. And he goes. What I said? Yeah, let's go get married. I said, let's just, I don't want to go change my name tapes, I literally just want to be Curry from the beginning. Like, let's just go get married. And he goes and I said we can have the, we can have the like celebration later, like it's no big deal. And, of course, all of our family, like his family, my family, we all, they love me, my family loves him, like it's fine, they're all good with this. And we're like, okay. So we call my parents, call his parents, my grandparents just happen to be in town and we're like, we're going to go get married, why don't y'all come to the courthouse? And so we all met at the courthouse. Uh, the guy that did it, he's wearing a civil war shirt. Um, and we get married, you know. And so it's like, hey, we're married.
Speaker 2:And so I go to the recruiter and I'm like, listen, I'm a curry now. Change my name. So like we had to fast track everything. We fast tracked all the paperwork, changed my name on all the papers so that I could be a curry. And so I ship out to military camp. Shortly thereafter I, you know, did all the things, went to basic, went to tech school, I had to go through survival school, did all the things, and I'm stationed now in California. And so I come home on leave after all of that training and Gideon and I are supposed to get married. We have our celebration in front of everybody and then we drive across country and that was going to be our honeymoon. So that's what we did, and this was the end of the year to the next year, so that was 2012. This was 2012. Um, and that this was happening. So we're finally in California. Shortly there, after being there at um, my station, I ended up getting pregnant again, and, of course, this time it's a lot different.
Speaker 2:Um, and of course, this time it's a lot different. The pregnancy went off without a hit, everything was fine. And then I had her, my oldest, gabby. It come out as depression, but it came out as rage. Now I'm turning into my dad. I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I can't. It was just someone would just say something to me and I would just blow off the handle and yell and just, I was a volcano. I mean, really, it was terrible and everybody bless his soul, my husband and my mother-in-law, because she was there as well. My mother-in-law is very meek and so she's just not, she's not going to say anything. That's going to tilt the boat anyway, and I don't come from a family that's like that at all, and my husband didn't fall too far from that tree, so they're just kind of taking it, like I'm blowing up and they're taking it. It was not a very pretty sight. It was not a beautiful like oh, first child experience. It was not a beautiful like oh, first child experience. Like it was wrought with anger and tears and anger and tears and um, eventually my husband's like Audrey, you need to go see a doctor, like go talk to someone, and I did. And he's like you're still having this issue and it's like months later, yeah, you know here, here's a, here's a medication, and so I I ended up getting put on um, depression medication and it kind of helps, like I'm a little bit better I'm not quite so, you know, rage-ish, um, but I'm not happy, like at all, I'm, I'm just kind of numb to it all.
Speaker 2:By that point, I had been in the military for three years. Around that time frame. Gideon is staying home with Gabby, he's a full time dad and I'm going to work and I was like this does not feel right. Like I want to be with my child, and that was part of it too is I didn't want to leave and I had to go back to work at six weeks and um, and I didn't want to leave every day. I didn't want to go on these TDYs. I didn't want to. I didn't like, if I'm being honest, I didn't want to be deployed. And let's be real, I'm being honest, I didn't want to be deployed. Let's be real, I'm being judged from the military standpoint because they're looking at me going you're just trying to get out of deployment. I'm, just for real, suffering mentally. I was like I just don't want to do this. This is not what I thought this was going to be.
Speaker 2:My husband, seeing that I'm not digging, this is not what I thought this was going to be. And so my husband, seeing that I'm like not digging this at all, like this is not an enjoyable life, he's like I'm going to go back to work. And he said I'm, I'm going to go get, go back in. He said I'm going to join the military, I'm going to go back in. And this time he goes to the reserve side. But he becomes an active duty recruiter and so he puts in for the school and he's TDY and therefore, like the length of his schooling I don't remember how long it was, it was just me and Gabby, like I was working full time, you know, I'd take her and drop her off at daycare, pick her up, like I was handling the entire house, all of this stuff and um. And then he gets accepted into the position, he passes the school and stuff, and so he gets his um, his orders, right, and so he's now getting stationed in Colorado. So for about nine months to a year he's stationed in Colorado and I'm stationed in California.
Speaker 2:So we're geographically separated and we're still oh yeah, we went in a year we had been married for a couple of years at that point and so for a year I'm just kind of. You know, for all intents and purposes I'm a single mother, you know, working taking care of a kid. We have some friends in our family. I was going to church sporadically, but once he was kind of out of the picture, like I didn't have time to go to church at that point which, by the way, we had been we found a seven day Venice church and cause that's just what he was familiar with, and I was like, yeah, sure, you know, let's go, I'll give it a shot. And it wasn't as bad as what my dad had made it out to be. So it wasn't too bad. But we were going sporadically, but it was more of a social, like a way to go get friends and like it was. It was a social way, like a way to step in and get more friends. And you know, we're in this new place, let's learn about the area and and so.
Speaker 2:But by the time he left I was not really going so much and I would call my husband and he would talk to me a little bit, but he's definitely out of sight, out of mind person, so we didn't talk very much honestly over this like nine month year period, like we talked some, but really it just wasn't a whole lot which I knew he was feeling a lot of heat from um, from his, his higher ups, his, his um chain of command, but I couldn't. I didn't really know why. Like you would tell me, audrey, like this flight chief, he is just after me, he does not like me, he wants me fired, that kind of thing right. But it was kind of just starting, it hadn't really picked up just yet, and so he's at the job for a year. This was right around the time I'm done, like I'm so tired I'm crying. I just want to have my husband.
Speaker 2:Like tired, I'm crying, I just want to have my husband, like this is not, I just don't want to do this anymore. And this was right around the time where the military was cutting back finances a lot, so they were just letting people out If you had a decent enough reason on why you wanted to get out. And so I applied for it and they accepted me. So I was like cool, early release, so I get released from my contract. Eventually, I move, like we get to move in with um, with my husband, gideon, in Colorado. So we moved to Colorado and in my mind it's going to be rainbows and butterflies. I now have my husband. We haven't seen each other. Like we're going to be one big happy family now. Like this is what I had in my head, this is going to be great.
Speaker 2:And I get to Colorado and, sure enough, like again, I think it all started really coming to a head at that point, um, the flight chief of my husband, so my husband's boss, his main boss, did not like him in any way, shape or form, for whatever reason, and so he was after Gideon and he wanted him to be fired. He did not like him In spite of the fact that my husband was doing just fine as far as the job itself goes. And so, in order to prove the flight chief wrong, my husband doing what he does, he's now financially responsible for, you know, all of us. There is no backup. I'm not making, I'm not working anymore. Now he's feeling the pressure of all of this. And so what does he do? He buckles down even harder and he works more and then more. He was working 70 to 80 hours a week.
Speaker 2:I just, I haven't seen my husband for like a year. You know we can't. We saw each other, you know, for weekends, here and there throughout that year, but it really wasn't a lot. But now I don't see my husband at all and I live with him. And now I'm in a place, I'm in Colorado, so I do have my aunt, but they're busy, they're working. My grandparents they're like four hours away up in the mountains, so I have family, family around, but not really like none I would really talk to about all of this stuff. And so I'm once again sad, lonely, got no friends. We went to a church or two in Colorado and, uh, we felt judged more often than not, like oh, you're not doing this, and so we never really felt accepted by the church because we weren't pious enough. So I didn't go to the church. I didn't have any friends, I didn't really have any family around, I didn't really have any family around.
Speaker 1:You guys wanted to take a quick break from the episode and tell you that we are going to be in Denver in September. I want you guys to keep your ear to the streets because we're going to put it out there and I think it's going to be a ton of fun. So, about towards the end of September, if you're in the Denver area or if you're close, come and kick it with us. We want to do life for a weekend and just hang out and be with God's people. Another thing I wanted to let you know if you want to partner with us to keep the podcast, to keep Internet Church and the ministry going, please go to loverealityorg.
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Speaker 2:Now my husband is like working so hard just to make sure that we are financially taken care of and that he doesn't just lose this job that we have both kind of planted ourselves firmly on and this, this job, is feeling rocky, right and uh and so so, yeah, so time passes, like these feelings. I kind of just suppress them, I kind of just don't deal with them. Like Gabby and I kind of do our own thing, we're, you know, going outside and hanging out and playing and just doing what kids do, and over time, gideon being the recruiter that he is, cause I had been out by a by a year by that point he's like you should join the military, audrey. I was like what I already did this, remember, we went through this once and he goes no, no, audrey, the reserves are different than active duty. The reserves are different. I was like nah, you're full of crap. You think you're going to get me twice. He got me twice. He, um, he talked me into it this time. I cross-trained. I was like I don't want that last job, I want a different job. So I cross-trained, went to the schooling, had a blast man, I loved it, went to my new thing.
Speaker 2:But this is reserved, so I'm not active duty, I'm not full-time, and what that means is I did one week in a month, two weeks in a year, um, they would have a deployment come around, but like a deployment, depending on what you know, what your job was, and like how often they came around, like it could be a few years between deployment cycles, um, unlike my last job where they were six months on, six months off, like if you weren't deployed, you were on, like you were on R and R and then they were deploying you again. So much chiller, lower vibe as far as that particular job goes, and I absolutely loved it, like it gave me a social outlet, like I'm, you know, making friends, and it's nice. Like for one week in a month I'm carefree, like you take care of the kid, I get to go, you know, just go be for a second, and so it was really nice. And so then I'm doing well, I'm accelerating at this, I'm doing excelling at this job. And so they're like you need to go to ALS so you can put on Sergeant. And so ALS is Airman Leadership School and I was like, okay, yeah, absolutely. Like I would love to be a Sergeant, I would love to have to be that leader. I would love to do that, let me have that job, but there are certain qualifications you have to meet, and so I'd already got you know everything else, I just needed ALS. Got you know everything else, I just needed ALS.
Speaker 2:And so for six weeks at that, I was, um, the base was two hours away from where we lived. Um, so for six weeks, because it was two hours away, they put me in a hotel and I'm at this airman leadership school and, mind you, the relationship between my husband and I was not very good. We were essentially roommates, um, nothing really happened. I didn't really see him. He came in, ate, slept and he was at work again, like I. He worked on weekends, he worked well into the night. Some days I didn't even see him. It just it was just non-existent, like my relationship with him was really not there. And so I'm already feeling lonely and stuff.
Speaker 2:But this is what, what's, what's kind of feeling, that hole, right, somewhat is this job. And so I go to ALS and I'm having a blast, like this is fun and we're doing these things and we're doing this, and that we had assigned seating. So I'm, I'm sitting beside this, this one guy and it was very awkward, obviously when you just meet new people in general, but it was just a weird awkwardness. And then he kind of starts to flirt a little bit, and I like it because I haven't been showing this attention for a while, like I don't really get to talk to my husband, and so I'm like Audrey, you know you're doing something wrong, you know, but I just kind of tend to you know, toe the doing something wrong, you know, but I just kind of tend to you know, toe the line and you know this is kind of nice and and yeah, and so he continues to flirt with me and he knows I'm married, even I know he's married, even I know he's married. But it was nice because I think he was having a similar situation, just the opposite way. And unfortunately one thing leads to another and I'm now can count being adulterous on my list and it sucks Once again, audrey, like what are you doing? What? Just what, what? And Around this point, we he had lived in Colorado for about like Gideon had lived in Colorado for about two and a half years.
Speaker 2:Of course, now I don't want really anything to do with him, and it just drove an even wider wedge between us and the guilt is just tearing me apart. And right before, like we're kind of moving, we're packing, we're leaving. I can't handle it anymore. And I told Gideon what I did. I was like I cheated on you and I'm so sorry, and of course he took it as one would be like, as you would expect, he was very upset.
Speaker 2:I've never seen that man cry in his life. But I cry. I saw him cry so many tears Like I hurt him so bad and it tore me apart that not only did I hurt myself and hurt this other guy and it's probably his relationship, but then I hurt my husband, the one person that I'm not. That's like. I shouldn't do that. So once again, I'm just I made a bad decision and I it ripped me apart, it ripped us apart, it ripped all of it and it hurt so much. And at about that time, around that same time frame, my mom calls me and she said your dad has cancer and so I just feel like I did this. Once again, you are being punished for the stupid mistakes that you made being punished for the stupid mistakes that you made.
Speaker 2:And it was just I don't know, it was just terrible. And so Gideon moves. He ends up moving to Colorado or to Texas, sorry. And I'm supposed to move. I'm moving as well. But as I'm driving through the mountains, our car, uh it, it blew ahead. It cracked an engine and I promise you, I, to this day, swear I did not. The car was not smoking. It gave me no signs, so I'm still in defense of that.
Speaker 2:This car breaks down and I just happened to be near my grandparents' house, because they're up in the mountains and, uh and we're not on even terms he's, you know, he's gone to Texas. He actually bought, uh, the house that we were going to live in ahead of time, so I hadn't even seen the house. But Gideon's preparing the house and he took Gabby with him because his mother was with him. So Gabby is being watched by mother-in-law. Gideon is there, he's working through his own feelings, and I'm lagging behind because the car needed work, and so I'm staying at what's my yeah, my grandparents' house, and while the car is being fixed. And while the car is being fixed, life sucked, dude, Like I had nowhere to turn. I'm not going to tell my grandparents about this. I've got really no friends that I would relinquish this information to and um and so yeah. So it took about a month actually for them to finally get the parts in and get this car fixed to where I can drive it the rest of the way to Texas. So I get to Texas eventually. Gideon is in one room, I'm in a different room, Gabby's in a different room in the middle, and this is the way we start out in our first home. Like at that point we had lived in apartments and stuff like this. But this was our first home and this is the way we started out in it. And we were in Texas for two or three years that's how long we were stationed there and in that in that timeframe we had our plenty of up and downs, but we're still very much on rocky terms. He hasn't forgiven me by any means of the imagination.
Speaker 2:At this point this is about six months into Texas I'm keeping in contact with my mother and mom's like, yeah, no, your dad's doing fine, We've got to go get a port put in his stomach Cause he can't. He can't swallow anything. He had throat cancer, he can't. He, you know, but she was so uppity and old like this and I'm thinking so much about Gideon and I that I wasn't I don't know, I wasn't thinking off about what was happening at my mom.
Speaker 2:With my dad and my mom or my aunt and my grandmother, they make a trip to Mississippi and they see my dad and they call me. Like they go into like a room within minutes of being there and they call me and they're like Audrey said what? And she goes have you, have you been to see your dad recently? And I was like not recently. I mean, I kind of went for a little bit and helped him with the work and stuff. But no, I'm here in Texas just trying to get this house settled. And she's like you need to come now.
Speaker 2:And actually this was October. That mom told me hey, your dad's got cancer. This is when I told Gideon hey, I cheated on you. We were within two months, so December, we were in Texas.
Speaker 2:So this is, and I had made a trip to Mississippi in that somewhere in that point, Like I had even helped with a couple of jobs because dad just needed some extra help. And this is January and my aunt is telling me you need to get here, like now. And I said okay. And so I told Gideon I took Gabby with me because grandparents, all of my all grandparents live in. Oh did I lose you? Um, okay, Uh, all of my all grandparents live in. Oh, did I lose you? Ok, All of my grandparents are sorry. All of my kids grandparents, my parents and his parents are all in Mississippi. So I took Gabby with me. Gabby went to his parents while I handled what was happening at my at my mom's house.
Speaker 2:I handled what was happening at my mom's house and, okay, to give you an idea, my dad has always been a very muscular, well-in-shape, healthy, stout-looking person, One of my friends at one time in my life. He's like your dad kind of reminds me of the Punisher. Like that's just kind of how he looked, like just big Right. I was like oh OK, and I walk in and he is withered away to nothing, Like he's skin and bones and this is not. This is not my dad at all. Like this is, this is not who he is not. This is not my dad at all. Like this is, this is not who he is.
Speaker 2:But my mom was so in denial that she couldn't see really what was happening and I guess I, having just walked into the situation. I see like no, mom, this is way past, he dying. Like it hit me and it hit me hard at that point. And so Gideon and I's issues kind of went on pause and he recognizes he saw this like this is this, that's way more important, Handle that now. And so I stayed in Mississippi for that through January into February and my dad refused home hospice, like he was. He was, he was dying. He's like I don't want this, Like you know. And so he refused home hospice. But the only person that he would allow to take care of him was me, because I was so careful and tedious with the way that I fed him. I would never overfeed him, I would always listen to him, I wouldn't try to force more into him than he could get, like all of these things.
Speaker 2:And so for two solid months I was just tired, but I did it because I loved this man but I did it because I loved this man, hmm, and I'm watching him literally starve to death and he had had more x-rays done, which we didn't know this at that time but it wasn't until after we death, after he had died, that we had found out that the cancer had metastasized, so it was in his brain, his stomach and his heart and his throat, so it was literally just overtaking his body and he, he ended up passing away in February, like the end of February, ended up passing away in February, like the end of February, and it wrecked all of our world, like my mom, my brother and mine, because this is, this is the man who has. You know, yeah, he had his own demons, yeah, he had his stuff to work through. God, life was so hard with him sometimes, but, god, we loved him so deeply, like our family was always together, like it was always the four of us, and now we're the three, and so it hit so hard. We're the three, and so it hit so hard and we ended up doing the funeral, we did all the things you're expected to do and I, finally, my mom and brother broke down so much that I didn't have time to break down. I just had to be strong for them. Like my brother's younger. He's three years younger than me, but he took it so much harder than I think even I did, and my mom was just in so much denial that I didn't have time to grieve. I couldn't grieve, I just had to be strong for them. I'll grieve later. So I just pushed that down even more and we, you know, do all of the things and I eventually leave.
Speaker 2:I go back to Texas and I think Gideon had so much sympathy for me and understanding and what, where I was and how it was, that for a brief moment in time, like all of our relationships troubles, just kind of vanished. So my, you know it had been a year since my dad had passed away. We my, or well over a year at that point, because my, my daughter was born and while we had our relationship issues, we were able to somewhat reconcile them, but we never really dealt with anything. Um, um. So the end of Texas in my brain, like the end of our PCS at that point, or our tour there, I was like we're doing good, like we're fine, like you know, I don't know, I was just disillusioned by what was really happening. Um, even though my husband was still like we haven't really dealt with anything, um, so he ends up getting orders yet again, um, and now we're being stationed in Oklahoma, and so we moved to Oklahoma, sell the house, moved to Oklahoma and literally within two weeks of being there, I find out I'm pregnant yet, yet again. And this was definitely a surprise baby, like we were not planning on her, um, but she was the best surprise we've ever had in our life. And so we moved to Oklahoma.
Speaker 2:Things kind of get pushed off to the side again because I'm pregnant and you know that, which I didn't know, this hindsight being what it was, is like I see that now, um, but I'm living in this land of you know, gideon and I have worked through our issues. We're fine, we're good. I'm finally coming out of the grieving period for my father, I'm able to work with my brother and my mother and we were kind of sort of going to church, spotty throughout in Texas. We had went through a couple of like marriage classes, uh, and they were nice, but they, they were all surface level, it seemed. And then we moved to Oklahoma and we did immediately find a church at that point because, again it's, we wanted to make friends and we'd prefer them to be Christian friends, even though we weren't what we'd consider super Christians, I don't know. We just wanted a better, you know, better friends. And so we walked into this church in Oklahoma City and immediately were accepted into it. Like someone comes up and she hugs us and we're so glad you're here and we'd love having you. And you know, it was just we felt wanted and so we would sporadically go to that church because we actually felt like we were kind of wanted there and um, and meanwhile I'm, I'm pregnant, go through the pregnancy and I have Lily and man.
Speaker 2:Two weeks after having her, I'm having so many nursing issues. I definitely have an oversupply. So that's wearing on me and postpartum depression hits yet again real hard. It didn't hit with my second, it hit with my first and it hit with my third. And again real hard. It didn't hit with my second, it hit with my first and it hit with my third. And it hit so hard.
Speaker 2:Now I'm faced with the reality of I've got a five-year-old, a one and a half year old and now a newborn, and in that timeframe Gideon comes to me and he goes I think I want a divorce. Life came crashing down again. I was like what, what I felt blindsided, because I thought we were okay, I thought we were doing all right, I thought we had worked through this and we hadn't. It's showing, it's coming back out. And I said, gideon, and before that point we had walked into a to a courthouse to get divorced before and we all, for whatever reason, always walked out not getting divorced, like we had done it two other times. So this was not the first time he had told me hey, I think I want a divorce. So this was, you know, probably now the third time at this point. And I'm like, really we're riding this ride again. And and I was just like, are you kidding me? Like I thought we were doing okay.
Speaker 2:And so we ended up going and we find a really good therapist. We really did. We had seen a therapist here and there and they always sided with one or the other of us. It was never really an equal therapist. This particular therapist, she was very level-headed and very much addressed both of us and she taught us how to fight uh, fight uh fairly. You know, like things we had not learned.
Speaker 2:Like I grew, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family a lot of yelling, a lot of anger. What I say goes nowhere. Nothing else is being said like. That's the way I grew up. He, on the hand, grew up where nobody talks about anything. But you can see how both of those two opposites work out well. And so neither one of us came from a really functional like healthy marriage, parents Like, so it just we didn't know what it looked like At this point. Gabby is now old enough to start school. We put her in the private college or the private Christian school associated with the church, and so she's gone during the day and once a week we carry the two young ones and we're sitting in a therapist's office for two hours every day for a year and you know, we learn a lot Like. We learn how to fight, we learn all of these things Like, even though at the time I would never say God is working, but a hundred percent, god was there, he was working and he was moving through that therapist and through to us and uh and so here we are, we're going through therapy, we're finally working our crap out, digging you know digging it
Speaker 2:all out so we can repack it. You know a little bit better. And my five-year-old who's going to this Christian church, she's like I want to go to church. So our sporadic going to the church, she's like I really want to go to church. I'm like, okay, fine, fine, you know. And so we kind of start going to church a little more consistently because you know, I'm not that bad of a parent that I'm gonna tell my kid, no, we ain't going to church. A little more consistently because you know I'm not that bad of a parent that I'm gonna tell my kid, no, we ain't going to church. Um, so I was like, yeah, let's go, and so we would go a little more regularly. And this was 2019. Well, we get into 2020. We all know what happens in 2020 COVID hit kids were sent home from school.
Speaker 2:The churches are shut down. Like we're just now starting to go church somewhat regularly. Churches are shutting down. Um, you know everything's happening. Mind you, in the time that we are doing this, we live in 400 square feet. We are in an RV, so there's five people, 400 square feet. There's not, there's not much quiet in that space and my husband is now having to work from home and you. It's really hard to keep a newborn, a toddler and a five-year-old who's very bouncy, quiet, um, but that's what I had to do, and so I was like you know what, instead of doing this, why don't, why don't I just take the girls? We're going to go to Mississippi, go hang out with grandparents' house, because they got 14 acres of land. We can just go run, play, be free, and you can stay here and work. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I like that idea.
Speaker 2:You know, him being the introvert that he is, he was all about that idea and I was like, okay, cool, so we left therapy sessions somewhat, continued, we had to kind of do it over, zoom and stuff, um, and so we kind of started working. But it gave us a lot of time apart to just kind of think. And so we're still. I feel like we were getting to a point to where we had to make a decision, like are we going to continue with this? Or I'm like, forgive each other, gideon, are you going to forgive me? Like I understand, I'm asking a lot out of you, like what are we going to do? And so we took a like that time, and that space being apart was actually a blessing in disguise, because I think it really did allow the two of us to have that, because we didn't go anywhere. So we had nothing but time to think, um, and we kind of at the end, he's like when are you coming home? Cause we had been there in Mississippi for two months at that point we pretty much stayed the entire spring and into part of the summer in Mississippi. He's like when are you coming home? I was like, oh, you want us to come home? Like wow, you want me there, I'm excited he goes. Yeah, no, he said when are you coming home? I'm like I'm, you want us, you want us to come home? Like, wow, you want me there, I'm excited he goes, yeah, no, he said when are you going to my home? I'm like I'm ready to see y'all. And I was like okay, and so we came, we came back and it was what we needed. Like we finally came together and we were like okay, cool, like I think we can do this. I COVID fast forward a little bit. Covid eventually lets up some. Right, we're getting towards the end of the year. Like this is nothing new. Churches are opening up a little bit more.
Speaker 2:And the pastor at that time that was at the church, like I kind of understood what he was saying, but half the time most of what he said was going over my head and I'm like I don't really know what you're talking about, pastor Kevin. Of most of what he said was going over my head and I'm like I don't really know what you're talking about, pastor Kevin, and like I don't know, like I was going to church because my five-year-old wanted us to go to church and that was about that, and so I kind of took a break from the church because I was like man, I'm not getting anything out of this. I'm like Gabby's going to her Christian Christian school, she's getting plenty, like it'll be fine, and then this new pastor comes to the church. Like Pastor Kevin leaves, we say our goodbyes, and then this new pastor comes to church and this is Pastor Wes. If you don't know that, that's where I'm from.
Speaker 1:I think I know, I think I know.
Speaker 2:And Pastor Wes is there and the church starts to change just a little bit, not a lot, but I start listening to what Pastor Wes is saying and I'm like man, I like what you've got to say. You're breaking this down. I understand this. And then I'm sitting into the Sabbath school class and bless this Sabbath school class. This will always hold a special place in my heart. This Sabbath school class was not your typical Seventh-day Adventist Sabbath school class. It wasn't. They didn't have a quarterly. We just kind of talked. We would say something like kind of what's your blessing and what's your curse? That's kind of what we were talking about, like what's your one good thing and one bad thing this week? And then usually from that point, someone would have something on their heart and we would all come together and we would talk about it. And it was beautiful, like I felt free finally to ask the questions that I have been brewing in the back of my mind, like wait, wait, wait, wait. Why do we do this? Or what was this? And so I would read my Bible and I would have some question and you know he would go well, let's talk about this. And then we would like and not all the time did that happen? Sometimes it was someone else had a question, but I was gleaning stuff off of what they were saying and then, nine times out of 10, we would move from that Sabbath school class and into the to the main sanctuary, and then Pastor West would start talking. And almost always Pastor West would talk about what we were just talking about. And it's like, man, you can just see the Holy Spirit moving and working and you know, reinforcing these points that we're literally just talking about. And so I'm listening and I'm starting to hear, and I'm starting, of course, to think about all the things that I have done in my past. Like, by that point, it had been about 20 years since I had had abort, an abortion. By that point, it had been about five years since I had committed adultery, and don't even forget all the little bitty things that I had done. But those were the two big things that just weighed heavily on me. And, uh, gideon had he had forgiven me, like he's, like Audrey, like you know, he had forgiven me for what I had done at that point, and so we were able to move past that. And so I'm hearing what pastor West is saying and I'm hearing what the Sabbath school is saying and what we're talking about, and it's just free, it's, it's. I could, I could. I didn't have to be limited to what was in that quarterly. That week of that year, of that month, I could talk about something completely off topic and it was perfectly fine.
Speaker 2:And I remember our uh, homeschool co-op because I homeschool all the kids, our homeschool co, -op, because I homeschool all the kids, our homeschool co-op was also held at the church. They just did it on Friday mornings. And I remember one Friday morning I was walking the hallways, we were closing the homeschool co-op down and I passed Pastor Wes's office and he doesn't know this. But I look in the window like cause, there was a little window in his door and I see him like reading his Bible and I walk away and then I'm kind of like pacing in front of his door for a minute, I'm like anxious, I'm scared, terrified. But I also want to do this. And I knocked on his door and of course he waves me in and I said, pastor Wes, I said I want to get baptized again. And uh, he goes, well, come have a seat with me. And so I sit down with him and I kind of was like he said well, you, you say again, did you do it once before? And I said yeah, I said I was 12. And I said, but so many things have happened in my life and I literally just want to wash them all away. I want them to be dead, I don't want to carry this anymore. And uh, and he goes okay, he said yeah, he said for sure, when do you want to do it? And I was like I don't know, you just tell me. And so we set a date and in that, in that time frame, he comes to me and he goes hey, I have one other person and she wants to do bible studies too. Do you want to come and have bible study with me and her at the same time? And I and she happened to be in the homeschool co-op as well. And so, yeah, absolutely. And so here we are.
Speaker 2:Friday became Friday, and Saturday were my favorite days, favorite days. Friday morning I knew that during one of those classes, during a one hour period, I could sit with Pastor West and my one of my now best friends and I could talk about the Bible and we could just have a conversation and I could read and I could save up all my questions, have a conversation, and I could read and I could save up all my questions and I know Pastor Wes would always expect me to talk all the time, and uh, and then in Saturday morning I could get up and I could go to this class and I knew that I could talk and I could learn even more. And then I knew I could sit in the sanctuary and I knew whatever Pastor Wes had for me, I just knew he was talking to me and it was just so beautiful. And it all started because of a five-year-old little girl who was absolutely adamant about wanting to be in the church and I was only there because I'm not going to be that bad mother that tells my kids so because of her, and because she loved her teacher so much and just missed oh my gosh, miss Pam, she just, she just welcomed her in. And so because of that, gabby wanted to go.
Speaker 2:And now I'm finding that I want to go and I'm there and I'm craving God. Like man. I want him so bad. What is this? What is this that you keep talking about? What is this freedom? What is this? What is this peace? What is this joy? I don't know anything about this. I've lived in my life angry and upset and alone and just, ah, what is this? And so I get baptized, and that was one of the most beautiful times. Like it holds a special place in my heart that I'll never be able to think of anything. Like I'll never be able to replace that memory, because I remember the minute he pulled me out of that water. I remember thinking, oh, that stuff is dead and it's in the water and it's not on me anymore, but there was still a small part of me that was like but is it, though? So I knew that that old me was dead, but I didn't know if it was all dead. Like I didn't know how washed away it was, and so I would continue to do. You know the things.
Speaker 2:And someone in our, our Sabbath school class, there was a couple there, another man and wife, and he was like y'all should come and do this conference. It's a man's women's conference and there's a men's conference and the men's is first. And so my husband, he convinced my husband, and my husband goes and does it. He goes Audrey, you need to do this. And I said okay. He said I can't tell you anything about it. And I said what does that mean? He goes. I can't tell you anything about it, just go, I'll watch the kids. You go for these three days, you'll be all right. And so I was like nervous about it. I mean anxiety driven, and that's not usually me, like that's not. I don't typically have those reactions. I'm usually gung-ho, like I'm ready to go, but this one I felt weird about, like I just didn't know how to react.
Speaker 2:And so I went to this, this three-day conference in which, for those of you that are wondering, it's called Trace Diaz and I can't tell you anything about it other than it's three days. And I went and I can tell you this they were telling me that I was righteous, that I was worthy, that I was holy, that I was loved, that I was special, that I was all these things. This is what the Bible says. Did you know that God says this about you? And I'm like what? No, it doesn't you know. But this is what they're telling me. And I'm hearing this, and um, and on the last day, boy, god was working, god was moving. He just flipped me 180 degrees like I was a different person.
Speaker 2:And this was about a month and a half, two months after I'd gotten baptized, all these things that I had been wrestling with up until that point like it. Just clarity came and I woke up on the last day that morning and I was absolutely certain of two things One, I have to speak Christ into my kids. That was what I was charged with. And two, I have to tell my testimony. And so we go about the morning. You still had a couple events Like they had one more you know thing that they were going to talk to you about that morning. And then, after they did that, they give you a choice. They kind of give, they open up the mic and they're like we're going to give every single person a moment with the mic, tell us a couple of words to sum it up. But it was kind of similar to Internet church Be brief, be brief, right.
Speaker 2:And so it gets to my turn, and you don't have to if you don't want to, and it gets to my turn and I stand up there and I'm staring at all of these people that have put on this entire conference and you know the husbands of all these wives are there and I'm staring at all of these people that have put on this entire conference and you know, the husbands of all these wives are there and you know, all these people are in front of me and I look at them and I say you know?
Speaker 2:And I just get silent and I walk beside the podium. So the way you can see, my entire body and my hands are kind of like out in front of me about waist high, and I look down and I literally see the chains falling off of my hands and off of my feet, like I can physically see this, and I look up at them and I said I'm free, I'm free. And everybody proceeds to stand up and they're yelling and they're clapping and they're yelling and they're clapping and they're hooping and they're hollering. There's adults standing in the chairs waving their arms around like it's a game, like go, go, go, and all I have to say is I'm free. Hmm.
Speaker 2:There was so much freedom in that moment because I knew who I was. I knew in that moment that I no longer had to carry the guilt and the shame and the and the just all of it, the unforgiveness for myself, the condemnation, all of it. It just fell away and again I told you my, my two things that I was charged with was I got to go tell my testimony. So that was a Sunday. I texted Pastor Wes on the way home and I said I have a testimony and he had been asking for testimonies, kind of ish starting. And he said, all right. I said, pastor, it's going to be a minute, like I don't have any short testimony. He goes, he goes, okay. He said when do you want to do it? And I said sooner rather than later, I don't want to chicken out. And he goes how about, not this next sabbath but the following sabbath, so two weeks? And I said, said, okay. And, mind you, before that point there were probably just over a handful of people that knew I had had an abortion in this world, that knew that Of the adultery my family knew, gideon and his immediate family knew no one else knew. So exactly five people. So you're something that I have always kind of just looked at and said I'm not worthy enough to be in these churches. If only these people knew who I really was, what I've done, they'd stone me, they would turn me away, they would judge me. There's no way. There's no way they could accept me for who I am. And I knew at that point that I said I was free. It didn't matter what anybody else thought about me. I only cared what God thought of me and I knew how he thought of me. And so, while I was hesitant, I was also excited about literally opening the closet door and shining a light into all of the things that I like looked on with so much disgrace and I gave my testimony and overall I would say it went over very well.
Speaker 2:There were a lot of people that were like you're brave. I said I'm not brave, you don't understand. Like a year ago I wouldn't have told you all of this. I was like this is God, like this is God working in me, god working in me. I said I just no longer place my value on anything of this world, but in every bit of God, and because I know that I am accepted by him, I don't really care what you think about me, I'm just going to do. I'm just going to go knowing who I am. I'm just going to go knowing who I am.
Speaker 2:And there were several people that came up to me one person in particular and he said you know, I ran away when I was 17 and that night a storm hit and he said my parents were out looking for me and he goes. They got in a wreck because a flash flood happened and they were killed instantly. He was 50 something years old and he goes. I've carried that with me my entire life. Like I felt like I murdered them and I said you don't have to let that. And I said you don't have to let that. You don't have to let that be who you are anymore. He goes, yeah, and you know, that was that Like I knew who I was.
Speaker 2:I no longer had to place my importance in. I no longer had to place who I was on my husband, like he's just a human, he's just trying to do the best he can with what he has, no longer had to place it in other things. I no longer had to feel that unforgiveness for myself. I no longer had to carry any of that and it's all because what Jesus did for me on that cross.
Speaker 1:If you could go back to that girl who had the abortion and you get to put your arm around her and you get to minister Christ to her, or just minister to her, what would you say?
Speaker 2:I would say I love you. I love you so much, but do you know who loves you even more Right here in this moment? God. So I know you feel like you have no other way, but just let him love you, let him be there for you, and I promise you he will make a way.
Speaker 1:If you could go and talk to that young lady who had just cheated on her husband, what would you say to her?
Speaker 2:I'd say the same thing Just let God love you, just let him be with you. And I know you feel this certain way, but that's not your feelings are not always reality.
Speaker 1:Audrey, I remember watching your testimony. Wes sent it to me and I was just like man, this is wild. And I didn't put two and two together until maybe a few weeks ago. And I love your boldness, I love how much God has loved you and I love that you're walking in freedom and you're learning a bunch of stuff. But you've learned the major thing that while you were yet a sinner, Christ died for you. So thank you for sharing your testimony with us.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're absolutely welcome. That's what I was charged to do, right? I just share my testimony. Did you know that one in four women statistics one in four women have had an abortion? I didn't know that.
Speaker 2:I didn't know that either. And then when you think about that, like I'm not the only one, I'm not the only one with this hidden secret and everybody likes to believe that it's men that commit adultery. But it's not. But when you see and know just how many are out there, you start to have sympathy for these women. And what are they carrying that they no longer have to carry?
Speaker 1:When Jesus runs into the one woman caught in adultery, he says I don't condemn you and he just loves her.
Speaker 2:Yep Changes her life. Right, Yep, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Audrey.
Speaker 2:Appreciate it? Yeah, absolutely no problem.