Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#231 Ange: The Chains That Bound Her
Ange shares her powerful journey from growing up with a transactional view of God to discovering the freedom that comes through understanding her true identity in Christ. She opens up about childhood trauma, religious performance, and how gospel truth transformed her life.
• Grew up in an Adventist family in Rwanda believing God's love was conditional on her behavior
• Experienced childhood trauma that led to shame and unhealthy coping mechanisms
• Struggled with self-worth and body image issues throughout adolescence
• Used romance novels and pornography to regulate emotions when feeling rejected
• Believed Romans 7 meant Christians were destined to struggle with sin forever
• Health scare in 2020 began shifting her understanding of God's character
• Discovered the truth that she was already right with God through Jesus
• Found freedom from addictive behaviors not through trying harder but by understanding her identity
• Now experiences a relationship with God based on love rather than fear
• Regulates emotions through talking to God and community rather than unhealthy coping mechanisms
The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus.
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The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:I didn't want those thoughts, but I would find myself like I would feel guilty for thinking a certain way and I would just. I remember this time I wrote a song to say I mess up more than I can count. Please don't give up on me, telling god don't give up on me, like I know you, you're my salvation, but like sin separates me from your love. And I'm in this circle. I have these thoughts, thoughts I'm struggling. Like I read these books, I feel certain sensations and it's a circle I can't keep, like I can't break. I encountered the verse Romans 7, going what I want to do is not what I do, so that at some point I held on to that. I was like, oh well, what can I do? It's part of life.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's guest is Ange and man. She had DM'd me. We were DM'd back and forth about freedom and I said do you want to be on the podcast? She said what do I got to do? I said just tell your story. And she tells her story beautifully and I'm just so proud to hear her heart where God has taken her and what she is believing. This episode is not for kids, but it is powerful to see how God can take you from death to life and how he's revealing to us how much he loves us. So buckle up and strap in Love y'all, appreciate y'all. This is Ange. All right, ange, we have been talking about doing this for a few weeks now. Remind me, what part of the world are you from?
Speaker 2:So I am from East Africa, I'm from a country called Rwanda Rwanda, yeah and I'm currently living in Toronto.
Speaker 1:When did you leave Rwanda? So?
Speaker 2:I came to Toronto in 2021, August 2021 as a student.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, so now I'm super ignorant. What is the language spoken in Rwanda?
Speaker 2:We speak Kenya Rwanda.
Speaker 1:So the language is called Rwanda Kenya.
Speaker 2:We add Kenya, rwanda.
Speaker 1:Kenya, rwanda. Yeah, and is that? Are there more than one language in Rwanda? That's the main language, or is that just?
Speaker 2:is that the main one? I think Kinyaguanda is the main, like almost everyone knows it. There may be different accents and I would say the language has evolved. There's modern terms now. The language has evolved. There's modern terms now, but we also have French and English and there's Swahili Also, like some people speak Swahili.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay. So when you got to Toronto, did you speak fluent English already?
Speaker 2:Yes, so I actually studied in the Philippines. I was there for six years and a half. I used English most of the time. When I got to Toronto, it wasn't a surprise I did take a bachelor's in English.
Speaker 1:Where does your story start?
Speaker 2:My story. How far did I go? I would say I grew up in an Adventist family. My parents, I think I'm going back to when we lived in a place called Gateway. It was, I think there were teachers in Adventist college there, more like a high school, and I think my dad was a disciplinary officer or something like that. Um, but yeah, I remember we would do the adventures club, learning to brush my teeth and learning all this life skills and being surrounded by people who were really kind and loving I would. We were running in the streets as kids and it was pretty safe. I would say, no one would be worried where you are because they know. Oh, if we call to this house, just run to the neighbor's house. Then we moved to Kigali.
Speaker 2:That 2002? Somewhere there. I was that um 2002, somewhere there. I was born in 1997, so um 2002, and I also attend. I attend um um preschool and an adventist, uh again, a small school there in Kigali called Apade and I would say a chunk of something that affects the rest of the story happens, I think, when I was in grade one, somewhere there a cousin introduces me to the. It was like yo, come here, let's, I'll show you a game and ended up basically introducing me to sex and say it's a game. And I remember after that time I felt what happened. My grandma, I think, was living with us at that time and my mom was in the house. Like they found out. The grown-ups find out, found and were like you know, you could get AIDS, like never do this again. And I felt shame. But we never talked about that again but that is something. It kind of went somewhere in the back but it would go on to affect the rest of my life. I would say I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I recently had processed this actually two months ago like really processed why I carried that for so long and never talked about it. It's not something I shared with anyone. Um, I shared with Ruth that the counselor, like during one of our sessions, and I didn't realize how much he had really affected me and and as a seven-year-old or eight-year-old, I decided to carry that. Yeah, there's much shame I lived with from then on. So, yeah, that's where the story started.
Speaker 1:Man, man. Yeah, your parents. They didn't want you to feel shame, but this is what ended up happening. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You didn't really understand anything either, just feeling the shame it was. I think I understood that it's not something that children do, that it's a scene and, yeah, that was something that shouldn't be done.
Speaker 1:So this was what country you were in Rwanda when this happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then you moved in 2002. Where did you move? To no like. So in before that like the story happened when we had already moved, so we're in like a province. And then we moved to the city Kigali. So it happened when we had moved to Kigali.
Speaker 1:So yeah, keep going. What happened after that?
Speaker 2:So after that I go through school. I had a grade four, I think I would say my childhood was not as bad. I still was going to church, participating in Sabbath school, joining children's choir, and then. So at school I think grade four I had a teacher who would write she is lazy, but in French elle est pariseuse, something like that on my report card. And that was one of the things that took on as an identity as I identified myself as a lazy person. Then I had a hard time keeping up in school, like they would write notes and I would have half notes, basically that at some point my parents will help me, like find neighboring friends, like who I go to school with, so I can complete my notes. So because if I don't have complete notes I won't be able to do my assignments. So they would help me. But with that it was like why don't you write faster? Why can't you, you know, be faster and do things efficiently? And so, yeah, that's one thing I took on as an identity.
Speaker 2:Went primary struggled with understanding maths and it took me a while to really get the whole fractions and whatnot, why not? And thank God that I finished primary like P6, we'll call them like primary. So P6 and I did well on my national exam. That's what you do before you get sent out to I think here they call it middle school, but for us that's already like secondary school. And in secondary school now comes in the whole thought of like, wanting to be liked and realizing that some of my friends have boyfriends or like they have people they like like. Girls start talking about boys and I was like no one likes me or I would have little crushes. But it didn't go anywhere because I remembered sometimes when you get too close with boys, some things happen which shouldn't happen. So I stayed away from boys. I would even feel ashamed if my parents called me talking to a boy, even at church, if we were just chatting. So high school came.
Speaker 1:Who is god? As you're growing up, god is this.
Speaker 2:I knew of god. I've read. We had family worship every day, morning and evening, and I grew up listening to stories. Apparently they told me. My favorite story when I was still like a toddler was Noah's. Noah's story how he gets swallowed up by a whale.
Speaker 2:So I knew of God, like how they teach, like God is someone, he cares about us and wants the best for us, he loves us, but I. That pleases God. If you listen to teachers and you're following all the rules, then, yeah, god is pleased. And that would bring. That means if I messed up, then God was not happy and I would have to ask for forgiveness and I had fear of dying and and rejecting God, like dying and God rejected me, or something like that. So every time I went to sleep I would make sure I pray so that if anything happened I would go to heaven, and so, yeah, god was there, but I didn't really have that close connection. I wanted to be in a close relationship with God but I felt like I wasn't doing good enough, like I kept messing up. Hmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So he's always a little bit away. Yeah. So you were saying what was happening in high school.
Speaker 2:So high school is. It was a time of realizing that I was kind of different, or I didn't have the stories like the fun stories other friends had or the experiences or even like boys liking me, it was I was different. I remember a friend telling me she heard in a circle someone say she walks different, like she walks weird, and I was like, okay, and I still carry that I had a weird walk and um, so yeah, I still carry that I had a weird walk and um, so yeah, I still was worried, like wary of boys and um, um, in high school I was still struggling with maths and sciences. 2013, I went to a new school because I went to A-level in secondary. Then I took up a course which it seemed cool at first but I ended up really hating it, realizing that it was math, physics and computer. I did not understand, like it was starting to sound like a foreign language and it was in a boarding school. I was in a girl or girl school and I had friends there who, like some of them, we went to church together. But I still felt like I was not fitting in, like nobody understood me and I didn't really want to be in a boarding school. I didn't like boarding schools. To be in a boarding school, I didn't like boarding schools, but still it's something I had to get used to.
Speaker 2:I remember in A-level, like fourth year, I started reading some of Ellen G White books and I will say, yeah, I tried to do everything she suggested. I started staying away from TV, I didn't watch movies and I was like, okay, I'm going to read my Bible. I was fasting and praying, doing all this good things, but from a place of I want to be accepted, I want to be known as on the side of God. But I was also not happy. Some of my classmates thought I was older than them just because I didn't really associate with them. I kept to myself most of the time and that is different from my personality, actually, because I love being around people and connecting with others. But that time I kind of like pulled back, kept quiet and thought I had to watch everything I said or did so that I wouldn't sin against God or, you know, do the wrong thing. Then at the end of the year I ended up. I was supposed to repeat that year, but I told my parents, I asked them if I could transfer to another school, which, like I, can learn literature because I was always good at languages and history, things like that I found it easier. And then they told me that my mom wanted to continue her studies. So we're going to be moving to go to the Philippines.
Speaker 2:So 2014, january 2014, we went to Adventist University of the Philippines. We, I remember it was a whole new world, like so different from home. I didn't have as many friends or people I knew. They spoke English most of the time. I mean it wasn't a problem, but like not something I was used to. I mean it wasn't a problem, but like not something I was used to. And yeah, I remember even then, just looking, we lived in an apartment and I was just look like, look up in the road and see how people are interacting and just wondering will I ever fit in here? Will I ever fit in here? And there was a lot of programs, spiritual programs, in the academy, because I joined the academy I was still in high school and at that time they were finishing high school at four years. So I joined. There was already a batch that was going to graduate, but my parents wanted me to do the year after, so I stayed there.
Speaker 2:I think I met people from countries I've never heard of, or like even sort of meeting people from Indonesia, south Korea, some people from Malaysia.
Speaker 2:Like I was like, oh, this is, this is nice. I get to meet other people and I reconnected with some friends which I went to primary with and it was fun. I would say the social life was fun. But then the problem would be going back home. I felt like there was a dark cloud whenever I stepped in the house. It wasn't as easy going as when I was at school and that was the first time living with my parents really close, like in a circle, because before, like, I was in a boarding school or even when I was home they were at work, so I would see them at the end of the day, but this time around we are seeing each other from morning, come home to eat lunch. The weekends were together most of the time and as a teenage it felt weird. I would say I didn't feel at some point. I didn't think my parents loved me, I felt misunderstood and I would withdraw.
Speaker 1:And I remember so why didn't you think your parents loved you?
Speaker 2:Because we didn't seem to get along well. Like they would say something and I would think that why would you say that? Oh, let's say, I have a phone but I can't use it at a certain time I had a kindle and it will be confiscated at some time. Like it's like, oh, you need to do your chores or you need to do this, but other children are outside hanging out with friends. And yeah, like, and I read this book. There's this five language, like love languages. And I remember reading it and realizing, oh, nobody loves me in this way. Like why are my parents not doing this? And I remember bringing it to them and they were looking at me strangely and they sat me down and they're like we love you, you know, like we moved here. We want the best for you.
Speaker 2:But in my brain at that time it was not landing. I had the idea that I was not loved for as much or in the way I wanted to be loved and I had started. So when I was baptized in 2013, before we left to go to the Philippines, I was still in A-level I got a Kindle as a gift and to a parent. I think they wanted me to really love reading and read the right books. I was reading Ellen G White at first, but then things changed and I don't know how, but I discovered the world of smarts like this too explicit way literature and romance, romance, things like that. I started reading those books a lot. That was my escape. So when I felt like I was not loved, I would open up a book and just read and and just get lost in that word and it brought these sensations which I was like okay, if no one likes me, I guess I get to experience this when I read a book. And that was life until I graduated high school, started university in 2015.
Speaker 2:And I remember, before I even took the course, I wanted to do music and my parents were, like everyone can sing. What do you mean? You're going to do music. So I ended up taking dentistry because my dad was like this is good because you can set your own hours and you earn a lot when you become a dentist. I was like, okay, sounds like a plan. I followed what my parents suggested and still I struggled with sciences again and I did three years in the dentistry there's what they call pre-dental. I was there for two years and then did a year in propa dentistry, like taking the dental classes, and I failed the first semester some of the classes and I asked my. I did tell my parents I'm like I don't think I built for this, like maybe it's because you haven't really taken the the classes you're meant to take. So but I reached the point where I started having a hard time understanding the courses.
Speaker 2:I remember hallucinating one time. I guess I was really too tired. Um, I saw a dog jump through the glasses. I screamed and I woke up and I could still see the dog. But my roommates woke up and they looked at like there's no dog here. It's not good. I would see things start moving. Like there was some art on the roof and like there was something that looked like an octopus or spider, but I could see it come alive. That's when I knew my, my brain is it's done. So I told my parents I think it's time to move. Like I'm switching courses. Um, it took me a while to decide what I wanted to study, but but I was. Since I loved reading, I thought why not take A-B English, which is the art part, not the one to go teach it, but to actually become maybe a writer or editor. So that's what I went, ended up transferring into, transferring into.
Speaker 1:Wow, did you feel ashamed or?
Speaker 2:anything about getting out of dentistry? No, after the whole thing of my brain just seeing things that are not there, the dog convinced you.
Speaker 1:You're like all right, I'm good, I'm not going to kill myself, I'm done, I'm done and not going back.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:So then, how was how was the, the reading or that? That way, that course.
Speaker 2:That course was I did better I. I loved the. It was still a little hard, but I I found it easier than, let's say, doing organic chemistry or like biochemistry. It was language I could understand and I did better. I would say I was. I was getting a's and b's, which is better than what I was getting when I was doing the dental classes. That's better.
Speaker 1:So what happened?
Speaker 2:So I would say during that time I was really I was part of what they called the. We had an African community, like African church. Um, we would meet like once a month and have like our own African Sabbath and, um, I became a Sabbath school superintendent, so the person to look for people to participate in the program, and I did my best. And I remember even at that time I was still struggling with feeling like, feeling loved, or even my self-esteem at that time was low. So I did, I tried to do things that people so people would like me.
Speaker 2:So even saying yes to certain things like oh, why don't you sing this time, or why don't you sing this time or why don't you pray, like yeah, because when I did that people seemed to like me. So I would say yes to things like that. But at night I would realize I would go back to the books or someone told me something or someone looked me in a weird way. I would go back to the books and just turn off the whole like every, everything else, reality, even in dentistry. I remember like I would do that sometimes when things got hard. I would find me a book and just get lost in it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was your solution for regulating your emotions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I remember I think I've heard someone mention pity parties. I would throw those a lot. Just yeah, oh, these people hang out, oh, they get along, they invite me? Yeah, just, I would feel sorry for myself. And at that time I also had a body image issue. I have heard I come from a culture where people find it easy to tell you you've gained weight. So, oh, you gain weight, we should do something about it.
Speaker 2:And I grew up in a home that I was self-conscious of how I looked and I tried to run, tried everything they suggested, but it still felt like it wasn't enough. I was not enough and I had to look a certain way for people to accept me. And that brought a lot of yeah, like the pity parties. It's like I need to look a certain way to be liked and I struggled with like self-esteem. I remember one day I was telling someone I was like, oh, my parents told me to go back to work out or lose some weight, and they were like you know, you're beautiful, right? I looked at them like, yeah, right, and it's like I don't believe you. But okay, thanks. It was hard to take compliments. It's still hard. I find myself sometimes when people say, oh, this is good. I look at them and try to explain, instead of saying thank you. It's hard to take compliments. Still, I've noticed I'm working on it, but I've noticed that sometimes I'm like why can't I just say thank you and move on?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're so used to rejecting if we don't see it or believe it ourselves, but then, in humility, just receiving it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Is much better, for sure, so keep going um, another thing I would say uh, I also had a thing like I used to. I mean, now I know it's intrusive thoughts, but I didn't think it was, I didn't know what intrusive thoughts were. So me reading those mats, like taking all that info in that, made me see people certain way or have certain thoughts in my brain. And sometimes they will come and say I'm at church or I didn't want those thoughts, but I will find myself like I will feel guilty for thinking a certain way, for thinking a certain way, and I would just.
Speaker 2:I remember this time I wrote a song to say I mess up more than I can count. Please don't give up on me. Telling God, don't give up on me Like I know you're my salvation, but like sin separates me from your love. And in this circle I have these thoughts, I'm struggling. Like I read these books, I feel certain sensations of and it's a circle I can't keep, like I can't break. I encountered the verse Romans 7, going what I want to do is not what I do, so that at some point I held on to that. I was like, oh well, what can I do? It's vital, it's part of life, it's part of Christianity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what Paul's telling us, yeah.
Speaker 2:That was it. I didn't know any better. Nobody had told me that Actually that's the way to go. Like you can live free. Like absolutely never heard of that. I know that people will quit. We're a new creation. It great, but still we still sin. We're sinners. Sinners, um, saved by grace, um, it was sung, it was preached. So I believe that. I believe that I, I'm mess, I'm a sinner, I always mess up, but I need to beg God to forgive me and hopefully one day I'll make it to heaven. But my record shows it's not happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but my record shows it's not happening Like yeah.
Speaker 2:I think so many people feel like this yeah, when they're trapped in like a religion that keeps God far away and keeps us running after him. Yeah, it was a lot of. We need to see God. Yeah, it was a lot of. We need to see god, even in school, like in aup.
Speaker 2:I remember for us to go outside, we had like a gate pass system and for me to go outside, I needed to attend a certain amount of worship, um, and then I would get a get pass. If I didn't do enough worship during the week, I would have to write reflections for the Sabbath school lesson and then they would consider to give me a get pass. So I had to earn going outside. So, yeah, it brought on this transactional relationship. I think that that's what it was like. It was transactional. My relationship with God was transactional, and even it came like down to friendships. If someone treated me in a certain way was transactional, and even it came down to friendships. If someone treated me in a certain way, then I didn't have to keep them around, or, yeah, it was always. You do this to me, okay. That makes you a bad person. I do this. I'm a bad person. I think these thoughts. I am a dirty, wretched person.
Speaker 1:You want to take a quick break. Stop, do not fast forward. If you're going to be in Denver at the end of September, we want to see you September 26 and 27 in Denver. Holler at me, I'm going to be there. Jonathan, leonardo, justin Koo and all your closest love reality friends, we're all going to be in Denver. Come kick it with us. We're going to have an amazing time just gathering together for two days and just encouraging each other, edifying each other in truth and just being with the gospel community. So, uh, we would love to have you um, text me, message me, go to the love reality Facebook group and see, uh, all the directions on what you need to do to be there and then just come kick it with us. Also, partner with us love realityorg slash. Give us loverealityorg. We want this gospel to go out. So partner with us in that and meet up with us in Denver.
Speaker 2:All right, let's get back into this episode. So yeah, that's the word I was in. But also I got to know many people which I loved, from different countries, and there were always rules like the school would always come up with rules and, of course, like convocation time on Friday, then they would have worship and then they said the new rules and then we go out all complaining. It's like really Like we don't have enough rules, like do we have to deal with this? We have a. We had a 7pm curfew during the week.
Speaker 2:So if you're a coach outside um at seven and you're not in like near your dorm, you had to explain where you were and why and you end up getting a blue ticket. So you go to the discipline office and explain why you were outside. Sometimes they will give you like a community service or. But yeah, it was. It was hard, because sometimes you'll be like I'm going to do worship in another dorm but it's not my dorm. So they're like, where do you stay? I stay, I say a cadena, and why are you near mahogany? Like that was a boys dorm and it's like, oh, I was participating, I was part of the people singing or reading the scripture, but yeah, sometimes the 7 pm coffee was was really hard 7 pm yeah mercy and people, some people in their class at eight.
Speaker 2:I don't know how they computed that, but yeah, at least if you're coming from class, you're like I'm coming from class, but yeah right mercy, so, but you were probably pretty good at this I. I did good. I tried my best to not be caught outside past the time. I think I've gotten maybe two or three blue tickets. We call them infractions, I think I'm. Yeah, I didn't get. I was good at keeping the rules. I tried my best to stay in between the lines. I'm sure.
Speaker 1:So then, what happened after that? Um?
Speaker 2:then, yeah, I graduated in 2020. Let's go back Um the beginning of 2020, beginning of 2020, right before the world ended, yeah, Before the world ended. That year was, I would say, when things changed for me, not just like COVID, but I had um some health issues start. Uh, I remember March, like yeah, march 7, I went to the hospital. I was like this is happening to my body. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is, I'm scared. What is going on?
Speaker 2:And so one of my mammograms was leaking and I was scared it was going to be cancer. And in my head that was like I think God is punishing me for the way I've been living. So somehow I had graduated from reading smart and I'd been looking at porn. Like it didn't feel good, but like afterwards, but like I don't know, I would find myself watching it. And it was during the era where they started the whole self love thing and they're like yeah, you gotta love yourself, you gotta treat yourself like you don't need a man to feel certain ways. And I bought into that as someone who was like I don't think any boys like me, anyways, I don't think I might as well do it myself. But I didn't feel good, I would feel ashamed after. But I kept finding myself going back to the same circle because I was like I'm loving myself, or this is my way of coping when no one likes me, or yeah, life is not going well. Yeah, life is not going well. And so when I started experiencing that whole problem, I was like I'm being punished for what I've been doing, I've been living sinfully and I haven't been doing as well as a Christian girl.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I remember I had a chat with someone and they were talking. It was a guy and he was like have you watched that porn? I was like yeah, I have. He was like what kind of porn do you watch? And I remember getting freaked out after that conversation. I'm like why was I talking to a guy about watching porn? Like how did I get here? And that really it shook me in a way.
Speaker 2:And the teachings was like I remember I don't know there was this preacher who was like you can change, like you don't have to keep doing that, you don't have to keep watching porn. You don't like it's possible, transformation is possible. And I remember writing back to that guy and going sorry, I think God can help us. I think we can change Because he did share that. He was also introduced to sex early on by a cousin and had shared that and I was like we're messed up.
Speaker 2:But I think it's possible to change. I don't know how or when, but I think maybe there must be something out there and um so like with my health thing happening and feeling like maybe this is my way. God is saying I told you this is what happens when you sin against me and I've heard stories a lot of this is what happens, like the old testament stories of like people do things, god is not pleased. This is what happens, like the old, like Old Testament stories of like people do things God is not pleased, destroys. That's the view of God I had. And so, yeah, but then, during the moment I was looking for a doctor because lockdowns have started and it was getting hard to just go to a hospital or even find help as easily, and I remember praying I'm like if I perish, I perish like it's. This is on me. I brought it on myself and um, and God slowly started reintroducing himself. It was through, I think, the light bearers they had a convocation on, on who God is and the final judgment, all those like the last end of probation, things like that and explaining those things.
Speaker 2:And slowly my brain started to change. I'm like what if God absolutely doesn't want me to have this sickness? Like what if he wants something good for me? And eventually I found a doctor. Like my parents were like, ended up doing some like prayers with them and tried to find some people were doing like online checkups. I tried to find some people were doing like online checkups and I was able to find a doctor and scheduled a surgery, I mean kind of like a biopsy and that happened in June of 2020. I got in, they got the biopsy done, everything went well, the results came back and it was nothing to be scared of. They're like there's no cancer here. It's like they don't know how it happened, why it happened, but it happens. And it felt so relieving like I was relieved. But also during those months, I think I had slowly, like my image of who God was had, started changing. I I would say that I even felt God's love at some point, like God loves me, because if he didn't, I don't think I would be able to find a surgeon. And biopsy gets done and everything turns out to not be as bad as I thought. And yeah, that kind of opened doors.
Speaker 2:And 2020, august 2020, I went back to Rwanda because school had ended and I kept watching the lightbearers and struggling here and there with myself reading smarts again and I'm like I need to stop this. Then, eventually, 2021, we get, we apply to come to Canada as students. We get the visas. Even at that time, people like it's not easy to get a Canadian visa, but for some reason, I had this belief that if God really had plans for me to be here. I'll be here and and I did come here with my sister and, yeah, during COVID lockdowns, we did like a two weeks quarantine. Everything is like okay.
Speaker 2:So it was shocking to see the sun at 8 pm. Like, why is this? Why is this still light? Yeah, that was shocking. And then, um, I I tried finding ways to get rid of the, the thoughts that would come about, like I've listened to podcasts that really did like sex education or something like that, why with those certain things, but it still didn't help. It's like there's something which was missing, and I believe in 2022, I started listening to the Just2Life podcast and I think I found it through Justin Koo's Instagram and I'm listening to stories and I'm going is that possible? Like, what you mean to tell me someone was one way and now they are the other way?
Speaker 1:like I really wanted it to be true, so bad, because you just saw him promoting it and you just started listening, did you?
Speaker 2:I think I had. I had. Yeah, I think it's something that caught my attention really, and I started listening. I listened on my way to school, from school going to the laundry. I was taking everything in, I was taking it all in and at the end of 2022, I remember you had the healed from sin, and I was at that time I went to visit my family in Burkina Faso. That's where they were at that time.
Speaker 2:So I would still follow up and I'm hearing people like, oh, with the healing that comes from you know, being set free, like people are walking in freedom, and it all sounded so good and I wanted it to be true for me. And also the idea that God had made me right with himself, that what Jesus did, that's when he did that. It blew my mind. I was like so you mean, I don't have to read my Bible pray every day to get into heaven. Like that's not how I become right with God. And everything changed from there, like my worldview had changed. I started understanding more of who God was and what he had done, and I also started learning more about who I am in him, like I'm not a sinner, I'm not the intrusive thoughts, I'm not the habits I keep going to regulate, like that's not me, that doesn't define me and that's not how God sees me.
Speaker 2:And the more I kept listening to the stories um, I think I started attending internet church and bible studies at the beginning of 2023, the more I listened, I think things were landing. It was just marinating, I guess, just getting in, and I got to a point I'm like, yeah, this is who I am. I am a child of God. I am free from sin. I'm not. It has no power over me. The books I was reading, they don't have power over me. Like I can actually stop reading, like I don't have to partake anymore.
Speaker 2:Um, like, even if, like, I still fed off, like sometimes I would feel feelings of, um, I don't feel like I'm enough, or like it slowly started having power over how I reacted. And the other day I was looking back and I was like I have no intention of opening a book that is explicit. Like, absolutely not. It's like. Now, like I see it, I'm like, no, somebody talks about it. I'm like my ears, my everything closed, like I don't want to hear anything about this. And I realized, like it's not because I tried so hard to get free. It just happened one day that I was no longer focusing on that and I started talking to God when I felt hurt. I started seeking other people to talk to when I was having a hard time. And I would say, right now I'm like, wow, life is good, life in Christ is good. I feel like I can actually be myself and do things I want to do without fearing that I'm sinning against God or that I'll be separated from God.
Speaker 1:What was the thing like understanding that you were already right with God? Was that hard to grasp? Was?
Speaker 2:that hard to grasp. I think when you came, it was just what I needed to hear, because I had been at the other side of reading the Lend-You-White and trying to get right doing my Bible studies, fasting, praying, like doing the right things, but I still felt like it wasn't enough. But when this truth was presented of like I've been made right with God and it's not because of what I have to do or I don't have to earn it, I was like, yes, I'll take that Because I've tried so hard and it didn't work.
Speaker 1:And so now you just believe you're the righteousness of God and Christ A hundred percent yes. For some people talk to me about regulating your emotions.
Speaker 2:Now that you know the truth, Now that I know the truth, I come to realize that it's good for me to be outside. I can go out for a walk, talk to God, and that God has placed certain things in nature for me to be able to feel calm. And I can journal. I can talk about the hard feelings or even the thoughts I'm getting like, I can write it down and and show it to God and know that it's not something I have to hang on to. God has been healing me Even things I've held on for too long. I'm able to safely bring it out. I'm safe to say it and know that there is healing for me. So, even recognizing that as a woman, there's certain times of the month my hormones may be a little too over the top, but also realizing that it's part of how I'm created, it's not sinful, that it's healthy and that I don't have to think much about it.
Speaker 1:If you could go back to this girl who was ashamed, and you could put your arm around her, what would you try to minister to her?
Speaker 2:I would say you are loved. You are seen by God. Like god sees you, god loves you. You are a masterpiece.
Speaker 1:Nothing like there's, nothing you could ever do to make god hate you like you are God's treasure thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable, your testimony to us that God is good, and just seeing your life change. That makes us want to keep preaching this thing harder. Keep going for it. So thank you.
Speaker 2:Amen, Really thank you. I would say this podcast really played a big role in me understanding that it's possible to live free. So thank you for your ministry.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and if you're listening to this and you resonate with Ange's experience, this prayer is for you. Father in heaven, sometimes we've lived with shame. Sometimes we haven't felt like we're worthy of love. We've lived with shame. Sometimes we haven't felt like we're worthy of love, and yet you have freed us and healed us. So open our eyes so that we can see the freedom that we have in your son and that we can walk in it, and that we can truly believe that, while we were yet sinners, that's when you died for us, and that's how we know that you love us and that perfect love casts out all fear. So thank you for loving us and sending your son, Jesus, and in his name we pray. Amen.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 1:Thank you, ange, I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, Richard.