Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#256 Samuel Depaula: A Sincere Kid, A Heavy Burden, And The Gospel That Breaks Chains
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We trace Samuel’s journey from legalistic zeal and secret shame to a settled identity in Christ that produces real freedom and lasting change. A candid friend, a simple rule—believe God’s word over your life—and honest confession turn burden into peace.
• growing up Adventist with sincere devotion and heavy performance pressure
• school trauma, social isolation, and low self‑esteem shaping a rule‑first faith
• leadership wins that hid a double life and deepening addiction
• Brazil ministry, long prayers, and burnout exposing legalism
• a friend’s hard truth becoming the turning point
• hearing identity‑first gospel and letting the burden fall
• moving from condemnation to confidence and steady transformation
• confession in community replacing secrecy with light
• practical freedom: thoughts challenged, shame silenced, habits changed
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Stories Of Transformation
SPEAKER_01The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can. And that's why we want you to hear these stories: stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is death to life.
SPEAKER_03But yeah, that that one that was like, um, be willing to believe the word over and instead of your life. Like, don't let something that's happened in your life define who you are. Like, yeah, your life said that, but what if God says something different that contradicts that? Like, are you gonna believe your life or God? Are you gonna say your life's more true than the word of God? Like, and that was like, this is a breakthrough. I'm like, God, like I'm such a sinner, like I'm so like I've done all these things and I can't like I can't put like I can't do it better, you know? And but you're what like you're calling me you're you're calling me something completely different. You're saying that I'm not even identified with that, and um and that was like just it just blew my whole worldview apart. And I went home from I went home from that particular evening. Um with I was just I was excited.
Childhood, Faith, And Family Worship
SPEAKER_01Yo, welcome to the Death of Life Podcast. I'm your host, Richard Young, and today's episode is with my brother Samuel DePala, and man, this kid is so sincere, so sweet, uh, and just tells it like it is. Um how God broke him free from bad habits of being a know-it-all Christian, uh being a condemning kind of person to now someone who just wants to tell people about God's love. And so uh yeah, awesome episode, awesome guy. I think you'll be encouraged. Um it's got a little bit of everything. So uh buckle up strap in. This is Samuel DePala. Love y'all, appreciate y'all. Yo, so I was uh I was online the other day on a random SDA website, and this is before this is like I was looking at a post from maybe like a year and a half ago, and I saw your name come up like in the comment section, and I was like, yo, and like my heart was warm because it was like an anti-love reality like post or something, and you were like on there and you were so sincere, and I was like, man, what a guy! And you were just being like really loving and kind in your responses to people who were saying that love reality was like either once saved, always saved, or I don't know what they were saying, but I was like, that's so cool. Uh, because I didn't even know you uh back then, and now you know we know each other pretty well. Uh Samuel DePaula, you tell me, man, where are we starting the story?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, honestly, I'll have to start the story back in probably sometime in my childhood, honestly. Um, there's a lot of things that like kind of come together that I mean make me who I am today. So um, yeah, I grew up in Washington State, a little town called Edwall, and it's out in the country, Wheatfield. Edwall? Edwall, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, like not like Ed and then last name Wall, it's like E D W A L L.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, all one word, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Where where is it near the coast?
SPEAKER_03Is it up in the No, it's um it's eastern Washington, it's about 45 minutes uh west of Spokane, if you've ever been up that direction. But it's it's about an hour and a half or maybe two hours from Idaho.
SPEAKER_01You know, that's one part of the country I have not been to. I've never been to Spokane, I've never been to UCA. Like I've been to almost every academy in the world except for UCA. I don't think I've been to the one in Montana. I think you went to before I graduated. Yeah, I haven't been to Mount Ellis. Like they wanted me to be the principal in Mount Ellis after uh when I just started working at uh Love Reality. No way, but I've never been there, but you you grew up there, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Edwell, Washington, and it there's not really like that part of the state is kind of it's a little flatter. It's not like um there's not a lot of trees, it's a lot of farmland, but it's definitely not flat like you know, Kansas or even Michigan, or um, it's got a lot of hills and gullies, and um it's a it's a great place to grow up, I think. I um I really enjoyed the time. I we were there for 14 years before I ended up moving out. Um, but yeah, I mean I basically I mean I was born in the house as a home birth, and um those some of my earliest memories are all from there, you know. I have three siblings, uh, an older brother and two younger sisters, so we always spent I mean, a bunch of time outside, you know, playing cops and robbers, and uh cowboys and Indians, and yeah.
SPEAKER_01What year were you born?
SPEAKER_03Uh 2002. April 21.
SPEAKER_01Don't tell me that, bro. Hey, you were born a month before I graduated from high school. Now I'm starting like now I'm getting feeling real old. Okay. April 2002, cool.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. So um let's see. Family religious? Yeah, so I grew up in an Adventist. I yeah, I'm a fifth generation Adventist. I'm I'm very Adventist, if you might say. Um yeah. My uh both my parents are I I think the fifth generation goes back on my mom's side. Um my my dad's side though, my my grandpa's Adventist, he was an Adventist pastor. Both my parents are actually pastors' kids. Um and both of my parents grew up uh overseas uh in Africa as missionary kids. Um and I didn't the rebellious pastor's kids? No, my parents not really, actually. Um we we were probably not as as like conservative, you might say, as um as like my you know my mom's parents, um, but we were pretty like I mean my my mom raised us vegan mostly, uh, and then we kind of went to vegetarian after a while, ate some fish, things like that. Um, but you know, uh Ellen White, uh the you know, family worship every evening, uh went to church every week. Uh so it was yeah, we we definitely did like we were religious, um, we were Adventists. Um not and we were certainly not uh super lax in a lot of the areas that uh I see some families are today.
SPEAKER_01So but a good good kind of boundaries, loving family.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah, no, totally. And I mean, I have honestly from my childhood, I have the best kind of memories. Um we were we were kinda I mean like I don't know what more you'd want from a family growing up. Um we had obviously like you know, you fought with your siblings and parents argue, but that's not you know abnormal in in any like in any way. So uh but otherwise, like aside from those little moments and stuff, I mean there's nothing more that I could probably wish for. Um we had you know, we celebrated birthdays and had Christmas and um did all the fun stuff and sounds like you had a really good childhood.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03No, there I really don't have anything to complain about my childhood. Um we went to a little uh Christian school that was just like a block down the road in this country town. Like uh it was a K through 12, they had like 65 kids there. And uh we um I was there K through sixth grade, uh and then sixth, seventh and eighth grade, we ended up homeschooling because of financial problems. We my family wasn't like always super uh well, I mean, we weren't rich, we didn't have a ton of money. My dad uh worked for the church for a lot of the years that I was growing up, and then he started his own business, which made it really hard um with the startup company, and so we didn't have a whole lot of money, um which which honestly that kind of played a big role in uh in a lot of different ways, especially like forming my view of God and who he was. Um and I totally like well let me just say because my dad, so one of the things that I really remember, especially um into answer the question like who was God to me when I was growing up, um my my dad was always super like religious about no pun intended, about um having his devotional time like every every single morning. Uh I just remember and he'd always go and and you know, go to his office or go to his room or wherever it was alone and spend like an hour or more um reading his Bible and studying. And uh he always like all the time, like I mean, highlights in his Bible like you know everywhere, you know. And so you and actually my dad, um, because he grew up in Africa, he speaks French fluently and actually just as well as English. And oh wow, he only spoke French to us basically from the time I was born. So I grew up speaking French and English, or mostly understanding French really well and speaking English.
SPEAKER_01Um you still hold on to any of your French?
SPEAKER_03Well, I can understand French pretty well still. Um, but I went to Brazil for a year after high school, and so then I learned Portuguese. And since I since I learned Portuguese, it kind of mixed it up in my brain, I guess. And so when I try to speak French, I it just Portuguese comes out. So it makes it. Not a word. Um actually That's not true.
SPEAKER_01I do speak like if you know Portuguese and you know French, like that's another romance language. It's the more it's more popular.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, I can speak a little bit of Spanish, but it's only because of my Portuguese. I've never taken any formal like Spanish training, I've never been to a Spanish-speaking country. Um or yeah, so it's yeah, my all my Spanish comes from Portuguese and French, I guess.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's really a cool thing to have, man. That's awesome.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, and and yeah, that's definitely been been useful uh in the the past years. But anyway, all that to say, um, my dad's Bible was in French, and um I just remember, you know, like you go through it and you see all the highlights, and um family worship was always in French, and my mom doesn't speak French, she never learned it, and so he'd always be translating, so he'd say it in French and then translate for my mom. And by the time, like by the time I was you know five, six, didn't matter what my dad said in French. I I totally understood him. So he wasn't translating for like any of us kids, he was just translating for my mom.
SPEAKER_01That's funny.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so all of the all most most of the kids' songs and worship songs that we'd sing all in French. Um we learned a bunch of French hymns.
SPEAKER_01Okay, give me an example. Oh you don't have to sing it, but what it what's the what's uh what's a song that you know the words in French?
SPEAKER_03Well, uh see, that's the thing, because we've only like I haven't sung these songs since I was like like eight years old, probably. And so and since I've went to course. Did you know I like bananas in French? No, no, no. Not like songs like no, these a lot of these songs, so we had this book, it was a friend, it was uh it they're like kids, like Christian or religious kids' songs.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_03And we would often sing out of that, and none of those songs are in English. Um, oh, well, you okay, here's an example. I just remembered. So you know the song um what is it called?
SPEAKER_00Um, like something like Beyond the Sun, or like Da da da da da da da da da da da. What are the words in French?
SPEAKER_03That one's um Audre du Soleil, Audre du Soleil, and I don't remember the rest of them, but it's basically like far beyond the sun, far beyond the sun, talking about um like I don't know, Jesus is or heaven is over like far beyond the sun. And um, anyway, that's a song that was one actually that I learned in Portuguese too. And then um it is an English song. I I think it's in English too, but it's a real just a simple little hymn that's that not very many people know, I guess. Um anyway, but yeah, songs like the ones that I really knew or that we would sing all the time were mostly they were like specifically in French. There's no translation.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03Um, things like that.
SPEAKER_01So um either way, cool childhood. French speaking dad. Yeah, love it. Keep going.
Zeal, Legalism, And School Struggles
SPEAKER_03Yeah, okay, so yeah, so my dad, I mean, that was like, you know, as far as forming my spiritual um my spiritual life, my you know, view of God and stuff. I was I was always I always admired like uh my dad's commitment to uh you know reading his Bible, um, how well he knew it too. Like he would um be talking or giving a worship, you know, giving read we'd be reading something, he'd read this passage, read this passage, and just know the references and stuff like that. And I remember asking him, like, I was probably I don't know how old I was. He he remembers this too. Um, but I remembered asking him, like, how do you know your Bible so well? And then he like, well, I don't know. It was like I vaguely like I oddly remember where I was when I asked him, I was like outside. I was like, How do you know your Bible so well? And he and he takes me, you know, beside him and says, Well, uh, it's because I spend every day, you know, reading my Bible and uh getting to know it and all. And so um, and anyway, but yeah, like worships, um, and one of the things, so then when so okay, so when my dad made uh started his company, um there was a lot of you know, you have have it's hard starting a company, and um you know, you have these expenses and you have those expenses, and like, you know, you haven't really built your you know customer base yet or whatever. So income sometimes is spotty and uh stuff like that. And so I remember it just like finances were being really hard, and because he was going full-time with this, um he wasn't making an income outside of the company, and so um, and oftentimes if there was not enough money, like he'd pay the employees that we they that he had, and he like he wouldn't take the paycheck. So, like we were pretty tight a lot of times. And um, but I I just remember like every time there was a need, um, my dad was fairly, even though they didn't share, my parents didn't share um much of the like financial picture or anything, any of the details. Like, if there was a need, and it's like, hey, you know, we need we need to pray that God will give us this much money by, you know, so by such and such a date. And my dad was fairly open about um those kind of things and family worship. And it was mostly probably because, you know, for family worship, he'd bring it up in prayer, you know.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_03And um, and you know, being very very consistent in praying about, you know, for the money for this or money for that. And I just remember like I mean, we pray about these things and um like God, I mean, we would then somehow have the money for it, you know. Uh, and it was very consistent, like we didn't really lack anything. Um, we were tight, but we had food and we had clothes and we had I had a childhood, you know, I had we had a house and I went to school and I had, you know. Um, and and I just like that made a really big impression on me, uh kind of learning like okay, there is a God clearly, because here we're praying, and then we're getting these things, and so then to make that connection, you know, as a small child, like makes a big impact, and it did on me. Um so yeah, that's kind of more a personal family. I um as far as my schooling goes, I think probably one of the other major impacts in my life that really kind of set me on the journey that I've I've been on since then um was in my grade school. Uh I wasn't um liked by very many people in grade school. I was kind of uh I was a real bratty kid, and I got bullied. Um and honestly, most of it was my own fault. Actually, just about all of it was my own fault, and I can explain. Um I was a very um zealous kind of uh Christian in my as you know, as much as you can say that for an eight-year-old or a six-year-old or whatever you want to call it.
SPEAKER_01Like Zealous for what? For what was the thing?
SPEAKER_03What well see, as an Adventist, you kind of grow up believing that um you're the only one that's right uh in the in the whole wide world. And that was fallen with that. Yeah, so I went to this Christian school. It was a non-denominational Christian school. And I like there's a lot of people from you know, the Methodists and the Baptists and the whatever, you know, everybody. So like they go to church on Sunday, they don't they eat pork, you know, they eat they drink milk and all that stuff. And um and you never drank milk? You were vegan? Yeah, we were vegan, yeah. We had it was always almond milk, and my my my mom and dad, well, I mean, mainly my mom, I think um, she was the one that packed her lunches and kind of took care of that stuff as far as I remember. Um, we would never like eat at the school, and I think for two reasons. One, we couldn't really afford to pay for a hot lunch, you know.
SPEAKER_01Um that hot lunch had pepperoni on that pizza.
SPEAKER_03And the hot lunch often had pepperoni and you know, milk. And and occasionally we would get hot lunches, um, but we weren't allowed to get the milk um because my mom didn't want us drinking the real milk. And um What about caffeine? Did you ever drink caffeine grown up? No, no, coffee, no, coffee's bad. Um what about now?
SPEAKER_01Do you ever drink coffee?
SPEAKER_03I do drink coffee now. Um I I don't I don't drink it every day, and I like I try not to just because it messes with my sleep cycle.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I still haven't I still have never drank coffee in my life. Oh really? Now it's not for a religious reason.
SPEAKER_03I was telling my kids that I was like, it used to be for a religious reason, it is not now, but uh Yeah, and and that's kind of how it is for me, but I just do it be I just I like the taste of coffee, and um but I certainly don't drink it, and I like I do my best not to because I know people that are addicted to it and their lives are miserable because they're like tired nonstop, and if they stopped drinking it, then they got like the withdrawals, yeah, you know. And I'm just like that, I'm not doing that.
SPEAKER_01So you were the evangelist at your school, and this is why people didn't like you.
SPEAKER_03Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah, so um that often like that idea, um like I just okay, so as a uh at that age, I felt like it was my obligation to um convert everybody to Adventism because really that was like the only way that I was gonna be uh that that people were gonna be saved. They had to know the truth, right? And if they didn't know the truth, then that was really bad. And then like once I told them the truth, well, now they're accountable to that truth, and and um, and so then I remember seeing people mowing their lawn on Sabbath, and I'd be like, that son of a buck is gonna die. Yeah, yeah, it was very much that mentality. I have absolutely like um and and that idea, like so, even though my parents were not super um like they they weren't they didn't really push that kind of um ideology, if you might say. Um it was it kind of came from my mom's parents. Uh-oh.
SPEAKER_01You're right.
SPEAKER_03I don't know. I'm sorry, my computer is being weird. Oh, I clicked a tab. There, I thought it closed.
SPEAKER_01No, we I still got you.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01We're right here.
SPEAKER_03So um, yeah, so that that kind of mentality came um mostly from my my mom's parents' side. And whether or not they intended it, I I really have no idea, and I can't speak for the you know, genuineness of the heart. I I believe that they're totally genuine. But um my grandparents were and are you know, they're super intimate. Into like reading Ellen White and following all the you know um truths and things that Ellen White talk about and the Bible and everything. And and by the way, I really enjoy actually reading Ellen White. Um so anyway, but that'll come later. Um yeah, but the way that it was presented to me, uh, it was very much like you've got to do these things or else you're not gonna make it to heaven.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And it became the it was this very like legalistic, I have to perform in order to be uh whatever, you know, in order to be loved, in order to be uh accepted, in order to to make it to heaven, you know, all that stuff. And that that idea um kind of was it it was reinforced in my own family in ways like my mom would sometimes say, I remember um, I remember my mom telling us, like, okay, like our room would be really messy, and she'd be like, Go clean your room, and we would be like, I don't want to, and we'd complain and whatever, and she's like, if you loved me, you would go clean your room. Things like that. Like, I mean, and that was yeah, I remember many times where that was the case, and um, and that and so like that idea is definitely reinforced. Like, I need to perform in order to show my love, and then I feel like that in the same way, like also turns in in my own mind, it turned itself around and said, Well, if I don't perform, then what does that say about my mom's love towards me? You know, um, in order to earn it was it very conditional, and I think that's I think in a way that's what um I think that was the way my mom was raised often. Um obviously I can't like speak to her story, I don't really know it, but um that was very much the kind of mentality that I came away with from my grandparents. Uh and anytime like we'd visit them often, and um it was always like we'd go there and we wouldn't be dressed this way, or we wouldn't be dressed that way, and um they would tell us to change or they'd tell us to do this different, and then like immediately it's like here's Ellen White, or here's the Bible, like we can't, you know. And so there was no, there really was not this message of love or anything like that in why we do the things we do. It's just we do them because God said so. Uh and so that mentality, and then couple that coupled with, you know, hey, we need to go tell people the truth, and the end, you know, Jesus is coming soon, and everybody needs to know, and the Sabbath is correct, and we're the the remnant church and all this. I I was very um zealous, you know. Zealous. Yeah. So in grade school, um Bible class, uh anytime it comes, oh Sunday, you know, that what Sunday school, you know, would be mentioned, and I'm hand raised, you know. And then the teacher would call me, and I'm like, you know, in Exodus, the fourth commandment says keep the Sabbath day, and that's the seventh day.
SPEAKER_01That teacher's just like, Dad dummit, I shouldn't have shouldn't have picked him, but I've gotta be a good teacher. Uh okay, Sam.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Looking back now, I I can remember some times where I didn't I didn't understand at that moment, but the reaction that the teacher had to me raising my hand definitely like me remembering that now. I understand why she had that reaction.
SPEAKER_01Did you realize it back then, or are you like being funny?
SPEAKER_03I'm this naive little kid just sharing the gospel, you know, whatever I knew, which was not as a whole nother form of the gospel for sure, but um anyway, it was it was a lot of that. Like, okay, lunch table, I'm telling my classmates how terrible cow's milk is for you, and that it causes diabetes. And to make matters worse, one of my classmates had diabetes and was on insulin pump, and I was telling him all the things from the lectures that I that I'd heard my uncle give, because they're both actually my grandma's a a nurse, and my aunt and uncle are both nurses, and uh, and then my grandpa's a pastor. And my uncle has a lot of you know health seminars and talks and all that stuff, and so as a as a small child, like you know, every time we're up there, he's telling us all this stuff, and and then we'd walk away with that, you know, from that and say, Okay, now you know you're accountable, you know. And so I go to school and now I'm telling them all of these data, these data points that I only halfway remember, you know, and telling them how terrible m cow's milk is for them, and this meat and that meat.
SPEAKER_01And I mean, we all do this as kids.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01We learn something and we just run with it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So and like I said, yeah, I mean, I was young and I didn't know what I was doing and whatever, but um because of that, obviously there's you know, things still happen because of the way that you are, no matter whether you know it or not. And um, and my classmates didn't really like me a whole lot, and and I think my teachers probably were pretty uh frustrated with me sometimes as well. And um and because of that, I didn't I didn't always have a lot of friends um to hang out with, and so um I didn't have a lot of experience socializing.
SPEAKER_01And so I kind of like a homeschool kid that wasn't homeschooled, yeah, yeah.
Academy Years And Leadership Drive
SPEAKER_03In a way, absolutely. Like I I totally like I totally missed out on the social um aspect of um like learning how to interact with people. And um also couple like together with that, I I struggled with self-esteem because it's like, well, nobody likes me, so that must mean some, you know, like I must not be worth liking. And um and so I yeah, I totally, you know, self-image and and self-esteem, low confidence. I had confidence in in nothing that I did. Um and and yeah, that was like that was pretty hard uh many times. I actually homeschooled my second grade year because of the bullying and like the lack of friends. And so um, and I also think that it, I mean, there probably wasn't a financial aspect of that as well, but for me at least, in my mind, the reason I was homeschooling my second grade year was because I couldn't, I I couldn't just I couldn't stand like being in that school environment with the friends that I had. I went back my third year, my third grade year, went through sixth grade, and um and then because of finances, my family um pulled us out of school and we homeschooled my seventh and eighth grade year. And those two years for me were were really the pivot years of my my life where I went from being a child and and the victim in a sense of like of my own doing, you know, like honestly. And uh to actually, you know, learning to grow and be more social and stuff. I when I was homeschooled, I ended up there was a couple of people um that were my age, uh, that our families actually had known for as long as I can remember, even before I was born. And you know, on weekends and stuff when we were going to church, I was able to hang out with them. And I just remember they were there they were a lot more outgoing and confident uh in themselves. And me coming from my grade school atmosphere, I was very like awkward and not confident and everything, but yet they still really enjoyed hanging out with me, and that was really like the first um time that I had been with people that that genuinely liked me um for being the way that I was, and it was and because they were Adventist, I didn't have that conflict of like religious beliefs, and so I never felt the need to like, you know, hey, preach at them, you know. Um, we just hung out. And despite my awkwardness, um they they just really liked me. And there was I I just remember there's a couple of things that you know started forming that that caused me to start forming beliefs about myself that they had said to me. Um one of them was like, I I actually they didn't say to me directly, but I uh I think one of my sisters told me that he had said that about me. He was like, I I had missed some meeting, like they were gonna meet up here, and I wasn't able to come. And then he had asked, I think my sister was there, and he'd asked, like, hey, where's Sam? You know? And he's like, Oh, he couldn't come. And and then he was like, I was like, Oh man, that's too bad. Like, I really hang I love hanging out with Sam. Like he's a really cool kid, you know, or whatever it was. He wasn't that older than me, he was maybe he was like maybe three or four years older than me, about my brother's age. My brother's three years older than me. But yeah, he was just like, Yeah, he's a really cool kid. So then my my my sister came and told me that, and I just I was like, wow, he really thinks that, you know, like that's a big deal. Yeah, that's a big deal, and um, yeah, and so anyway, those are it was two years, my seventh and eighth grade year, and and that was that was really pivotal. Um, it kind of boosted my self-confidence, started me started to get me to think that maybe I was something better than I had previously thought.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Um so then um my brother at that point, he went off to um Madols Academy as a freshman. Um, that was 2014, 13.
SPEAKER_01Um, so young dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I love it.
SPEAKER_01Keep going. Your brother went off.
SPEAKER_03My brother went off. He was gone, he was there for all four years, and he was four academic years ahead of me, school years ahead of me, uh, even though he's only three years older than me. Um, he went to Mount Ellis Academy. My parents allowed me, allowed him to kind of choose the academy, so that's where he chose to go. And then I decided to, I also had the freedom of choice, but because I had he'd already been there and I had been there for like concerts and stuff, graduate, you know, or I guess not graduation yet, but um when he did graduate, I did go. But yeah, I had known people there, so sure. Um I was like, okay, I'm gonna go there. So I went there as a freshman, and that was in 2017. Uh I I enrolled, and I guess this is really the point where I mean for my spiritual journey at this point, be uh that was another kind of a pivotal moment for me, was um it was kind of a it was a miracle that I even was able to go because of the financial, like remember, we like we had homeschooled because we didn't have the money, and my parents barely had the money to send my brother to academy. Um and they actually had worked with the school to try to get financial aid, and there was some debt involved as well. And so when I it when it was my turn, they were like, We don't have the money to send you there, but I really wanted to go. So I started praying about it. And one day I came to my dad. I remember going to my dad, and I said, I said, like, because I really wanted to go, and he knew I really wanted to go, and I I came to him and I said, Dad, I really, I really want to go to Mount Ellis. Um, can I can I set the table? And I said that in reference to an angel story, like an angel miracle story um that we had we had read um often growing up, and that was a story about this family that didn't have any food, they were completely out, and um, and they were they were hungry, it was like time for dinner, and they had like they had kids, it was a whole family, and uh there they didn't have any food, and so then the daughter, one of the I I think, yeah, it was like the youngest daughter came and said, Daddy, like, we should pray for the food. Um, like so they knelt down and asked God to send them food. And then when they said amen, like the little girl was like, Daddy, like, if we believe God is gonna like send us food, like shouldn't we set the table? And so then the family's like, Yeah, so they go and set the table and they just like put this, you know, they just set it like they're gonna have this feast, or they have no food. And so um then they they're like, okay, and still no food came. And so then somebody was like, one of them was like, maybe we should sit down around the table and like ask the blessing. Like, we're gonna like gonna eat. Let's go. And so they sit down around the table and they have the dad or somebody offers the the blessing for the food. And no sooner that had he said amen, there's this knock on the door, and the dad gets up and he goes and answers the door, and there's this man standing at the door, and he explains um that he was the driver of this food truck, this refrigerated food truck that had um broken down not so far from their house, and the food was all gonna spoil before he had somebody to come and tow the truck. And um, and was like wondering if they wanted a bunch of food. So anyway, like they're like, I think so, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So, what was setting the table for you? Being like I'm gonna uh like apply uh get in my classes or something?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so for me, setting the table was filling out the application and sending it in like like I was gonna go, but we had no money because I couldn't go, you know. And so I went to my dad and I asked, I asked him, I was like, Can I set the table? And he was like, and he knew what I meant. And uh and he was like, Yeah, um, yeah, absolutely. And so then I went with the application, I had it printed out, and I filled it all out and I sent it in. And I think there was some behind-the-scenes things. My dad met with them uh with the school and everything, and they talked through you know, financial aid and all this other stuff, and um, I mean, they really didn't have the money. And all this time, like whether or not I was gonna be able to go was really undecided, and it was up to the school board to to decide whether they were gonna let me come. And I in the meantime, I I decided that I was gonna I was gonna pack my things and get ready to go and like everything, and just praying this whole time, like, God please send me to this school. And um, and it it came down to the last week or something like that, and the board had a meeting um to decide whether or not they'd let me come. And and I had like in my own, because I had you know started reading the Bible by that time, of course, on my own. And so then, you know, we have I read and highlighted verses like you know in first and second John, and um, you know, we're just talking about prayer, and like if if you ask, like you're gonna receive because guy, but it's like you guys ask in vain, right? You for your own, you know, passions and lessons. So then I'm like praying, God, like I it's not for me, like, or whatever, you know.
SPEAKER_01So you're the most sincere, sweet kid ever. Just hearing this story, I'm just like, what a dude.
SPEAKER_03Praise God. I yeah, I I mean, I was so blessed growing up, and yeah, the journey's been amazing. But I just in those moments, yeah, I had those verses, and I just like clinging to those miracle stories that I had, you know, read and heard growing up, and I was like, God's gonna send me in. And then, like, if you have faith, like a mustard seed, you know. So I was like, God, you're gonna do it. And so, like, I just remember this is like incredible for me. Um, I just remember like I I read a series of verses, a sequence of verses that just like put it all together, and I I thought about it and I said, I and it was just like this feeling of peace came over me, and I was like, There, like, I'm gonna go. And um, and then it was a couple hours later the board said, Yeah, he can come. I didn't have any money. And so um, that was like a huge answer to prayer, and and so I yeah, I was so excited. I just I packed up, went there, and uh I guess well, I'll say this now. I I I was there for all four years, and I graduated um completely debt-free. My bill was paid off, and I walked out of there with my diploma. So, however, God worked that out, it was let's go. So, yeah. But anyway, so yeah, so I got to Mount Ellis, and that was um also another like chapter of my life where it just built the fundamental like building blocks of my of like everything that I am today. And um one of the aspects was my social um like awkwardness, like I was still like super socially awkward, but um I had been taken out of the the atmosphere of my childhood um and put into this Adventist where I didn't have to worry about people believing different things, you know. And there um I did have friends, even though like I mean, and everybody's like supposed to be Adventist, not everybody is an Adventist, but like the school and the institution, they support all the same things that you believe as well, uh, for the most part. And I guess I say that in like my own case because I was still very like opinionated, like super opinionated, like I knew what I believed, and um and uh and I wasn't afraid to share. And so I had my I had friends. Um there was a point early on in my my four years at high school where like and this was all in the journey of me trying to figure out like who I was and and building the self-esteem, you know, and I just decided at some point that I wasn't gonna care uh what people thought about me, and I was just gonna be who I wanted to be, and I just didn't care. And if people wanted to be my friends, they can be my friends. If people didn't want to be my friends, then they didn't have to be my friends. How'd that go? Um and that went amazing. Um I, for one, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders of me trying to find friends that I had been trying to do that. I probably was just exhausted because I had been trying to do that for like the six years of my grade school, was trying to make friends, trying to do things so that I could earn friends. And when I got to high school, I I don't know why I made that decision necessarily, but um I just like I decided one day, you know what? I don't care. Um I had the weirdest haircut. I gelled it like crisp.
SPEAKER_01I just went to your Facebook right now to see if you had high school pictures. I don't know. I didn't see them. I'm like, I wanted to see what you were talking about. I can show you, I'll show you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, um, but uh yeah, I I had the weirdest haircut, and it was like it was longer um combed over with a part on the side, and it was gelled, like it was hard, like a like almost.
SPEAKER_01You were really like an evangelist. This is like an old school evangelist.
Honesty, Values, And Double Life
SPEAKER_03Yep, boot cut jeans with a uh a big old belt buckle, like in the country kid belt buckle, leather belt, tucked in full button-up plaid shirt. Um glasses. You're a dork, man. Dude, I was the nerdiest nerd ever. Um glasses, uh, because at that time, well, I my eyes ended up fixing themselves because it was like a weak, it my my um the muscle that contracts your lens was weak um when I was it was like underdeveloped or something like that. I don't know. But um I had to have glasses and I wore them all the way to through my junior year, and then I didn't need them anymore because my my eyes had like grown and strengthened, so I don't wear them anymore. But yeah, then I had I had glasses and I I looked like uh and I was like super short and looked really young, um way too young for like freshman in high school. So um I I kind of like people like would make jokes about me and about my haircut and all that stuff, and but it was more like what you like your your social skills that were growing and honing during high school. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, so um I just started to gain a lot of confidence in high school. Um and I, you know, once I made that decision to just like not care what who was my friend or whatever, like all of a sudden I had all of these friends. Um and uh I had a lot of I I was a very uh uh I like I was a very responsible um kid growing up. Um well in many ways. Through grade school I lied a lot, um, and I think I lied mostly because I was trying to make something of myself, um, you know, from my low self esteem. Yeah, low self-esteem. When I got to high, well, I think it was my eighth grade year, I got tired of lying because I started to like things started to catch up to me. Yeah. And I wasn't able to keep track of everything. And I was just like, this is stupid. I'm done. So like from then on, I decided like I'm not gonna lie anymore. And um and so like going into high school, um, I wanted, I wanted to be friends with the staff, I wanted responsibility, and like um like I wanted to be uh like a really good dependable person, um, honorable person. And uh and so through my freshman, like by the time I was a sophomore, I had a key to the administration building, I was the head of the sound department. Um, I was subbing for RA in the dormitory for the RA there whenever he was not able to do it. Um I like yeah, I was working, I was working in the ad building as well. Um, I was playing piano for choir, I was singing in the choir, I was doing like everything. I was playing soccer, you know, I was doing the whole thing. And I had a I ended up well, I carried a 3.8 GPA through my high school. I wasn't 4.0, but I was super competitive in my grades. Like I would compete with the the my other classmates that had like the best grades, you know. Um, and they like there were several classmates that had 4.0 GPAs, but I was doing like so much more, I just couldn't um do more to get my grade higher, I guess. I anyway. So my junior year, um, I was the the no, my sophomore year I was class president. My junior year, I was the ASB president. Um and then that was like my junior year, like I was I had like completely done a 180. I I grew my hair out and then had it cut in a different um hairstyle, which is actually the one that I have today. And um, and so then and then I changed my child my style of clothes, got rid of the jeans, then the belt and the plaid shirt tucked in, and I went more like city skinny jeans and Converse, and or actually they were bands because I hated Converse. Um and uh and like a t-shirt with uh maybe a flannel like over it or something like that. Nice unbuttoned, and uh, and so um, and that was like I was a lot more comfortable, and it was what I what I wanted, and so then I had more confidence uh in what I was doing and who you know who I was. And um so yeah, by my junior year, like when me being ASB president, there was a lot of politics, there a lot of people didn't like me, and I didn't care. And I was super like because I'm really opinionated, um, and I I had definitely zero tact. Um, I I and I wanted to be honest, so I was like, I'm gonna say what's true, and I don't care what people think. And uh anyway, so yeah, there were there were a lot of people. We tried to do like a high school banquet um at Taco Bell because just to make fun of it. And um, and it was gonna be like this super like satire like banquet, and we were gonna have like the whole Taco Bell like reserved, and everyone's gonna everyone's gonna was gonna dress up in like black tie and go to Taco Bell. Um and that didn't work out. Some things fell through, and there was like a small number of the students who hated me already, um, because also I was the RA and I was taking people's phones, and it was the people that I took their phones from that didn't like me the most. So they made a huge deal out of it and ended up not doing it because the rest of my ASB, like, you know, uh people um they ended up uh not liking um the idea and they backed out. And like at the beginning, we were all together, we were like, this is an amazing idea, but then the pressure from everyone else, they like caved, and I was like not having it. I was like, we're doing this, I don't care who doesn't like it. And I anyway, I wasn't able to do it just myself, so I I let let it go.
SPEAKER_01As you're going through high school, is like God getting stricter in your mind? Is he getting more intense? Is he becoming more loving? What was he like?
SPEAKER_03Okay, so my my freshman and sophomore year, I had a form of godliness, like Paul says. Um, but it was I was totally not converted. Um I was baptized when I was eight years old. Um, I and I made that decision. I I really wanted to follow God. And um and so when I left home, I had a lot of freedom that I didn't have before. And um, and so I like and I I didn't do with the freedom like a lot of people do. Like I never I've never drank alcohol, I've never done drugs. I've uh I tried like this is the kind of freedom like my freshman year. I I tried swearing, you know.
SPEAKER_01You're like, uh darn it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. No, I yeah, that was that was my drug, I guess. Um I yeah, I tried swearing and I I decided I'm like uh that just kind of made me feel dirty inside, and I just decided, you know what, I'm not gonna be that. Um but I definitely I didn't I didn't read my Bible every day like my parents had said. They you know, like my parents had taught us, like you gotta read your Bible every single day, and that really you know, having your relationship is the most important thing, you know, to you. But I it was such a chore because it was like every time, like when my my siblings and I would fight, um, I like we would be fighting right after family worship in the morning. And my my parents, one of my parents, would be like, Did you not listen to anything we you know talked about in worship? Did you not hear what we pray? Like, and did you have your quiet time? And uh, and then I'd say, No, because I it was a chore, you know. And they say, Go have your quiet time, that's why you're fighting, you know. So it was like, in order to live well and have a good day, you had to do your due diligence and spend time with God. Because if you didn't, then God wasn't gonna be there and your day was gonna be terrible. Um, so you had to earn it. Uh, and when I went to high school because of the freedom, I was like, I didn't have my parents tell me go read your Bible every day. And so I I didn't read my Bible, but because like I was like, I want to be honest, I don't want to lie, I'd read it in Bible class and I'd read it like once a month, because then when my mom would call me, we'd be talking and she'd be like, Did you read your do you read your Bible every day? And I'd be like, or not every day, she'd be like, Do you still read your Bible? Like, yeah, and I'd be like, Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's like even though you drink water, well, there was water in the sprite, so yeah, I drank some water.
The Secret Addiction And Desperation
SPEAKER_03Exactly. So um, and I guess, well, to back up a little bit, um, the reason why I had decided to be so honest um was actually because of a class that I had had in my geometry, um, in geometry. And we were struggling with our grades really hard. And my my teacher, amazing teacher, um, Mr. Ellis, uh, he just kind of stopped the class and was like, he was like, okay, guys, I need to teach you how to think because you're not, we're we're not being able to get good grades. And so he went through this presentation about how to think, and we learned about logical fallacies. Uh, we learned about how to process information and how to like, you know, take something and dissect it into the parts like what do we know, what do we don't know, what do we know from previously, what you know, things we've learned, previous things we've learned, and then how what can we like like deduce from all of this? And um one of the exercises he had us do was to um pick five of our favorite values. He's like, go online, look up these lists of values, characteristics, and pick five that you really like. And then we're you're gonna do a presentation on why you think these are important. And one of those things was responsible was honesty. It was honesty, loyalty, responsibility, and I don't know what the other two are. I don't remember. Um, but honesty was like on top, and that's I had just decided that I wanted to be honest, and I thought it was a very noble thing. And um, and then loyalty um was like, you know, being true to your word and being loyal, you know, and then responsibility was like to be responsible, to do the things that are expected of you to follow through with your word and say, like, I'm gonna do this, like then actually do it, you know. And I made that presentation, then afterwards he was like, now I want to challenge you guys um to not just leave this in the in the past, but build yourself off of this. And this is the very foundation of how you think. And if you if all of all of what you do in your thoughts, you know, in in you know, making these conclusions and processing information is based on these fundamental values, then you have something to rely on. And um and like that just really stuck with me. Um and I decided to do that. And so from then on, like I had these, I had this mental picture. I'm a very visual spatial um kind of person. I had this mental picture of me sitting at this table, um, and I had this bowl, like this wooden bowl in front of me, and a pile of characteristics next to it, like on these little strips of paper or something like that, you know. And the bowl was who I was, it was my soul. It was like me, you know, the very the very things that defined me. And I was the one that just decided who I was gonna be. And I would take this paper and I would look at it and read um a swearing person, you know, a person that swears. And I would decide, well, do I want to put that in the bowl? And if I did, it would become me, right? And then I would be a swearing, I would be a person that swears. And if I didn't, I could throw it away. And then I wouldn't be that, right? And so I would through this time in high school, like I would very like actually, I would be actually thinking about this as I'm living my life. I will I think I want to try out swearing, you know, and I put swearing in the bowl, and then for you know, a couple of weeks or whatever, I would be, I would say, like all my friends would, you know, swear this and swear that and whatever, and use this word and that word, and I'm like, ugh, I don't like that. This is gonna take it out of the bowl and throw it away. And then I but see that and that was a decision that I made, and I stopped swearing, right? Um, because that's not who I was. And so then I would take another piece of paper and I'd say, you know what? Honesty, you know, and that those were the were these fundamentals like in this class. I decide honesty, loyalty, responsibility, etc. etc. And and I said, you know what, like honesty, these are actually gonna be my rules for what I put in my bowl. This is like if it doesn't, if it doesn't pass this test, honesty, loyalty, responsibility, etc. etc., then I'm not gonna put it in my bowl. So then I take take a characteristic, I said, Does an honest person do this? Well, yeah, okay, then it goes in my bowl.
SPEAKER_01If if it doesn't pretty disciplined then.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yes. Um, in in many ways. Um, I say many ways, um, yeah. Well, I'll get to that in a bit. So um yeah, I was very disciplined. And it was at this point that like honesty became just this fundamental thing. And but I was still doing things like not reading my Bible because you know, my mom, like, and then reading it like once a month so that I could tell my mom, you know. I'm like, well, I'm not really lying, but you know.
SPEAKER_02Right, right, right, right.
SPEAKER_03Um, and so that like like God really came to me, you know, my conscience eventually, and I I started getting bothered by the fact that I I was this way. And um I just like I remember getting to this point, and it was a very real point where um I I sat down in my room. I I just like I remember the very time and place and day, everything is super vivid. I I sat down and I was so convicted that my values were at at like at stake because I was living a double life. I was calling myself an Adventist, a Christian, somebody that claimed to follow God and do the things Christians do or the Bible says. And I was not, I didn't have a relationship with God. And and so it's like, well, how can I call myself a Christian if I don't even know the God I claim to follow? Um, and I'm certainly not behaving like it. I'm not even thinking like that. And the biggest part of that was um, the biggest part of the struggle and the the conviction where it came from was the fact that um I was addicted to porn. And um I was I had actually I had been addicted to porn for a long time at that point. Like I think I don't remember when I was introduced to it. Oh no, I was like maybe I was probably like 10 years old, and it was just because I was curious. Um I was like, what do naked people look like? You know, right. Um and and then that just like spiraled out of control. Um I remember the very first time my parents kind of talked to us about like uh how babies were made, um, and it was through this French um cartoon book series that like had a bunch of different things about how life worked. And one of those little books was about how how humans and animals and reproduce, you know, it was reproduction. And when we were older, I I mean eight or nine, I don't remember, um my my dad was like, okay, it's time. So here, alright, kids, you know, let's read this book. And it just like fascinated me. I had never even thought about that, but it like fascinated me, like, oh my word, you know, and I felt this like attraction to like the there were these super like um abstract drawings of you know, like the human body and like the baby and birth and all this stuff.
SPEAKER_01And you get interested in it, you're like, what's that? Yeah, then one thing leads to another, and then the next thing you know, you're like, oh, you're conscious.
SPEAKER_03And and that's like that's exactly how it happened. Like, I just kind of I just kind of like uh I was just fascinated by it, and I remember looking at it, and I felt guilty about it. Like I knew I didn't I would like open the book and I'd look at these abstract pictures, and I knew for some reason that that was wrong. Like I felt guilty about it. And then remember one of my siblings like, what are you looking at? And I felt like I had to come up with some kind of answer, like that wasn't, oh yeah, I'm looking at these pictures of people, you know, of um and this was in the book. These are abstract, like these are not even they're not even like uh detailed in any way, you know. And but I just felt this attraction to it and I felt guilty about it. And um, and so then later, eventually, once I was older and I started learning how to use computers and everything like that, like it was just kind of a quick, hey, what do pe naked people look like? Yeah, and it was pictures at first, and then I was like, Whoa, I can watch videos, you know, and I had no idea.
SPEAKER_01And sure, um, and so you so you get to this point and you're like, I've been trying to live honestly, yeah, but my life doesn't reflect that, and you're kind of coming like there's some cognitive dissonance there. Yeah. Would you decide?
Commitment To Devotions And Ellen White
SPEAKER_03So I was sitting on my bed, and it was a very real moment for me because I I knew that I either had to, I was at this like why in the road, and it was either I could keep living the life that I was living, but if I did keep living that life, I had to give up my values. And at that point, like I had built a lot of me off of those values since that class. And I had been using it had become habit um for me to like decide what I'm gonna do or who I'm gonna be based on these values. And I was like, I have to give the values up if I want to keep living like this. And I was like, I can't give my values up, like I've decided, you know. And so then if that's the case, then I must remain honest. Well, what's how do I stay honest? Well, I have one of two options. One option is just go out and tell everyone I'm not a Christian anymore, you know, then I can keep living the way I'm living, and nobody cares, you know, or they would care, but um, you know, at least I'm not I'm at least I'm being honest, you know? And um, or I have to get real with God. Um, I have to really make this relationship with God work. And I I just remember thinking to myself at that point, I said, what's the point of throwing it all out if I haven't even really tried it? Which I hadn't at that point, you know. Um I was like, I hadn't really tried it. So I was like, what if what if God is real and he really is there and and like he wants a relationship with me and all that stuff, but I just don't try it. And I throw it out, like I have everything to lose. I'm like, I can't do that without at least giving it a try first. And so I decided I said, okay, God, I'm I'm gonna give it my all. And I at that point, I was like, where do I start? I was like, it has to be in my Bible because like because of you know, me, my growing up, seeing my dad read it every day, I was like, that is the most important thing. I've gotta read my Bible, you know. And so I was like, but how? I fall asleep every time I try to read. It's boring, you know. Like, okay, so I'm gonna, it can't be in the evening, it can't be in the afternoon, too busy, all these distractions. I was like, it's gotta be in the morning. And I was like, okay, but I have to get up really, really early, and I'm not a morning person, I'll fall asleep. Okay, so I'm gonna go to the gym, I'm gonna shower. So I had like I came up with all these solutions, every possibility I had accounted for. And I said, I'm gonna try it. Um, and I'm not gonna stop short of a hundred percent. And I just and I remember just praying there. I I told God, I said, God, I wanna, I really wanna make this work. Um, but but you're gonna have to show up. Like you're gonna have to show. Um I'll go as far as I absolutely can, but you're gonna have to meet me. And I just I remember going to bed that night. I set my alarm for earlier than I'd had ever woken up before. Probably not, but um, it was what it felt like at the time. It was important to you. It was so um, and I just yeah, I went to bed, and then I just remember like I woke up a few minutes before my alarm, and when I did wake up, like I was more awake than I had ever been, I had ever felt. Um, I didn't even need my alarm. I shut my alarm off, I jumped out of bed, I got dressed, I ran over to the gym, which oh my word, I would never have been able to do. I did a whole like 30, 40-minute workout, um, and which I had never done before. And I was just like, I was pumped full of energy. Like I was on this like high of caffeine, but I had not been drinking coffee at that time. Um, and I came back to the dorm, I took a shower, I was like so awake, and I sat down on my desk, I opened up my Bible, and I had probably one of the most surreal experiences um in my Bible um with God that morning. And it was just, it was, it's hard to describe, but it was I I felt God that morning. Um and I just was like, I was in tears or uh and just like so humbled. I was like, God, you're amazing. I was like so excited, and I that next like the rest of the day I went to school, and I remember I even talked to one of the staff that I was kind of close with, and um I I told them like how amazing my day was going because like everything, like I was so full of energy, and um, and that went on like that day, the next day, and like it was probably about a week. Um, it was just like every morning was like that, super high energy. Like, I was so excited. Um, it was like me reading the Bible, the words were coming off the page, you know, like the whole experience. And that was enough for me to like it. It was like God saying, like, I'm here and I want a relationship with you. And I just um I like that was all that was what I needed in that moment. Um, and it it the feelings and all that stuff that didn't stay the same. Um, but I didn't miss a day of reading my Bible for almost a year after that.
SPEAKER_02Oh wow.
Brazil: Study, Ministry, And Burnout
SPEAKER_03It was um like I went from being super bored, uh, reading my Bible and everything, to like that was one of my favorite things to do. Um, and it was just like this light switch. So that was that's what I would call um my My commitment experience. I at some point in my life I probably would have like, I'm converted, you know. Um, but uh I actually wasn't, I was just committed. Um interesting. So um from there on, I'm reading my Bible. Um at that point, another the other transformation that God did in my life um was I I hated Ellen White because of how she was used growing up. And um, it was super restrictive, you know, God can't do this, can't do that, you know, all this stuff. And I had kind of rebelled against that in my heart. And um I but I had never really read Ellen White. I'd just been read, like, I had just been read too, you know. Um and so I told God, I was like, God, like, I really don't like the idea of even reading or sitting down and like thinking about her, but I need to know if she's like like if it's true or not. And I was like, I'm gonna read, I'm gonna go against my feelings and everything like that. And I'm gonna read her because I haven't, because I can't just like I don't just want to throw the baby out of the bathwater, right? So I sat down and I was like, God, I'm gonna read her, and if and if it's right, like you need to show me and you need to change my heart. Like, I want my heart to change. And um and I started reading her, and the things that I'm like reading and listening, like just it was just so it was just this thing that I had not ever experienced before, and I just fell in love with reading like the conflict series, you know, great controversy, um, and the perspective that she brought um to the to the Bible, and just like it just made my image of who Jesus was so much more personal and completely changed my heart with her. And so um, that was the other kind of miracle that God did right then for me. And so then in that, okay, finish high school, I graduate, and I've got this like like constant, consistent, you know, uh devotional life with God. And that became like so important to me. Um and eventually, like I kind of identified myself with that. Like, this is because I'm reading my Bible, like I have this relationship with God, and that was kind of like the mentality that I had, you know, in the background. I wasn't like necessarily actively thinking about that, but um I once I graduated high school, I did the opportunity came up for me to go to Brazil. Um and I went to Brazil. There was a whole like um, there's a whole miracle story with that too. And I I don't necessarily have to go into all of it. Um, but I God just like rolled out the red carpet for my dad and I um going down to Brazil. It was right in the middle of it was um 20, I graduated in 2021, and it was that fall that I was working to go down there. So it was like COVID, like yeah, right in the middle. And um I was um I I wasn't willing to get vaccinated, and I was fighting the church about it, and like I couldn't like, and I had just gotten my dual citizenship. That was a miracle, um, because my dad's side of the family is Brazilian. Um, and so we went, we went down to San Francisco and I became a citizen, got my passport, um, my Brazilian passport, and basically like told the church, I was like, uh, I'm going to Brazil, I'm a citizen, I don't really need you, but I'd like to go down there so I'd have a job, like to do mission, like to have support and insurance, all that stuff. I'd like to, but I'm like, you can't tell me not to go because I'm gonna go anyway. And so they relented and said, okay, you can go. And so I went down there and my dad flew down with me, and again, like um just rolled out the red carpet. I had to get a bunch of other like documents to solidify my citizenship, and which usually could take you know, even up to a decade for some native Brazilians, and I had it in like two weeks. Oh wow and like I'll tell I'll tell the details and stuff to Brazilians and they'll be picking their job off the floor, like because they never heard of something happening. That's not how it goes. Yeah, that's not how it goes. So um yeah, God just like really showed up for me there. And um I when I um was down there, that was I had a lot of time that I wasn't working. Um, I went down there to teach English with Adventist Volunteer Services, uh, AVS. And the first semester that I was there was this the last semester of their school year. And so they weren't start, they hadn't started their program yet. And so I was just there learning Portuguese and just doing like nothing. And I had a ton of time on my hands. Um, and I spent most of that, or a lot of that time, I should say, um, reading my Bible and studying the Conflict series of the ages series. Like I read through all of the Conflict of the Ages series, um and uh and and just like study my Bible. And I also like to like form opinions and stuff about like different topics. Um and so I would write um I would write like a an essay or something like that about uh this topic or that topic and whatever. And so um I had a lot of notes, I had a lot of like material that I of what I had studied, you know. Um, and that's where I really started like going through everything that I believed and fleshing it out and being like, you know, um, you know, I I believe this about the you know church and that about the church, or this about, you know, this like just all the different things, right? Doctrinal truths. And the more I read, like I still was of this idea that um that I I wanted to um like I I want like if I knew if I had studied the truth and I was convicted about it, as in I in my heart I felt that it was right, I was now obligated to like do that thing. And if I didn't, um there was like this feeling of condemnation or that God was displeased and he was like, now I'm alienated myself from God and I've gotta like do something better to get back uh to him. And um one of those things could be like missing a day of devotions, you know. And not that I didn't like having devotions, and that's what kept me having them, like I loved having my devotions, but then when I didn't, I'd feel really bad about it. Um and I'd be like, okay, I'm sorry, God, like I am committed, here I am, you know, and I'd um start again, you know. And so um, mind you, like all this time, I guess I didn't really mention um my parents divorced in 2017. That was my freshman year of high school. Um, that was hard for my family, especially my sisters. For me, I had been able to take some time because I went to academy and I was away from the home. I had a lot of time to just process like away, you know, as like a third person um looking in. It was just like completely um detached. Uh and um, but yeah, that was like part of when I was down in Brazil. Like, I'm thinking about marriage and um, you know, what does that mean and all that stuff? And um I also had this image of who I didn't want to be, and that was um super judgmental, like I had perceived my grandparents to be um like I didn't want to be who I was in grade school. Um, I didn't want to be like Did you catch that you were judging yourself though?
SPEAKER_01That you were kind of still not at all.
SPEAKER_03No, not at all. At this point, like absolutely not. And I totally like I I mean I was fairly gracious, like I would try to not judge other people, but also if I saw them that they they were doing something that I thought was wrong, like I would really want to help them because I thought that that was like I mean, like I wanted like I wanted it for their own good, you know. It was like like you're doing something wrong, like I really want to change you, but it was like on these things that you know uh I don't know, I mean like doctrinal like things that people disagreed with, and it's all within the Adventist context, you know. Um dancing, for example, there we go. Uh my Brazilians love dancing, but I was like at that point, I I you know, I just was like, dancing is so bad, and like you know, we can't be dancing, and it was like all this behavior, you know, yeah, behavior this, behavior that, and like we've got to do, do, do, we've gotta be right. And so I would like I wouldn't judge and I wouldn't like condemn like I did in grade school, but I would certainly make my opinion known as far as what I thought was right.
SPEAKER_04Sure.
SPEAKER_03And um, and that kind of um like I started leading out in small group Bible studies. We had a prayer prayer group that would pray like you know, uh Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we'd have uh Bible studies on Sundays, and I was like helping in the church, I was running the sound in the church, like I was doing all, I was extremely active. I was teaching Sabbath school. We had an English Sabbath school there, so I was teaching that and leading out and singing and playing piano and like all this other stuff, and um and all this time while you know cultivating my own, I was gaining a lot of knowledge, like Bible knowledge, theology, right? Um, and I was just just you know, just preaching the theology. And um, and eventually, like in this group prayer group, um, we the first one we had was super emotional, like God was totally there, like you could feel it, like there was this spirit of confession and like just super closeness. And one one of the people, one of my friends, um, probably like I I'd probably say he's one of my best friends down there in Brazil. Like, we just got along, we hung out so much, we talked about all kinds of stuff. Like, he was in tears, you know. Like, uh, and he he was uh uh only like a couple years baptized. Um and his mom too had just like or shortly thereafter, was he she was on her way into that the church, the Adventist church. And um, and so it was like I was trying to like minister to to him and like you know share my relationship that was so important to me um with him. And like the first prayer meeting was super great, then the second one and the third one, and I just like I was like so passionate, but I had no like in my prayers, they ended up being like super long and repetitive, but I didn't really even notice. But it was because I was trying to be like I feel like probably I was trying to make up for something that I didn't have, which was um which was life transformation. Um, because as much as I was reading my Bible, as much as I was doing all this stuff, you knew a lot of stuff about God, but you didn't know him. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't, yeah. And and like this whole time I'm struggling with like this the you know the secret addiction that I had. And that was clashing because and so and I think like I know actually most of that, like most of the effort that I was putting forth there was in an effort to try to get free from like the the porn addiction, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, well I'm gonna do all this and then God's gonna free me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, exactly. And and like every time like I fall into it, I would feel so guilty and ashamed, and I felt like I had just just ruined it all, and that I had to now square one. Yeah, I'm back to square one, and now I had to put some time distance between me and the thing. And and then maybe God would like like when I was sincere enough, when I really felt like I was sincere, I'd ask God for forgiveness, and then maybe He'd forgive me, and then I felt forgive forgiven. I said, Okay, God, I will never do this again. And then like two days later, you know, I'm back at it. And it's just like this whole cycle over and over again. And so then, like, you know, I had to be, I had to be, you know, so I I guess the the from all of that, I was like, I need to break free from this, but I don't know how, so I need to get closer to God. How do I get closer to God? That's more Bible study, more, more you know, leading out in church, more involvement, um, doing all the things because if you love me, you'll keep my commandments. And I do love God, but I'm not able to keep his commandments, so I must be missing something because I need to keep his commandments, and then I'll love him, or to prove that I love him, you know.
SPEAKER_01And um And you sound like me, bro. You sound like this is sounding like my journey.
Hard Feedback And Cracks In Legalism
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so I've I it's been I've met a lot of people with the same ones, and it's like like we fall for the same trick. We fall for the same trick, and it's it's crazy. But I just anyway, so like in this prayer prayer group, like I was trying to make up for something that I didn't have. Um and and in doing so, like I like here I'd have these really long prayers, or and they would be repetitive and they wouldn't really mean anything. And so then my friend who I consider to be an absolute true friend, he said it how he told it how it was. You know, he came to me once and it was like he's like, I he stopped coming to the prayer groups and I was kind of worried about him. And he told me, he was like, I it's not that I don't like to pray or anything, it's just like you know, and he hesitated a little bit and then he just told it to me. He was like, I really like it, but like you just like it the the meaning is gone away. Like you like you often pray really long prayers and you repeat, it's just like I really love the first one, it was just amazing, but now it's just like like I just don't like there's no there's nothing there, you know? And um, and he directly like linked it to like how I was praying and how I was um you know acting, and I was just like wow, like that like it made me really think about I was I I never would get offended, like I loved feedback about myself, um you know, insight into who I was, who other people thought I was or saw me as. But then there was another incident that happened towards the end of my stay there that was um like an absolute pivot point for me. Um and that was we were planning this trip to this beautiful beach island um with a group of friends, including my my best friend there. Um and I just it was over the weekend, and I remember thinking, like, I'm gonna like we're gonna be there on Sabbath and we're gonna be doing all these things, and I know these friends are gonna wanna like talk about this and do this on the Sabbath and all this stuff, and I was like, we can't do this on the Sabbath, like I don't want to break the Sabbath, you know. And so I'm like telling everyone this and saying, we can't do this, we can't do that. Like, what are we gonna do? We should make sure we're doing this because it's Sabbath and all. And and like a few days later, I mean this is this was several days or several weeks of us planning and me talking about all this and whatever. And one day my my friend came to me and he's like, Hey, I want to talk to you. He sits me down and he says, he's like, you know, about this um trip to this beach, um, I really like we like we really want you to come, but I've been talking to some of our like some of the group, and um like we really want you to come, but we just feel like you're gonna ruin the trip if like for us, like with not being able to do this and not being able to do that. And um, and like we just we want you to come, but we just want to also enjoy ourselves. And then he told me something that I will forever remember. He said it so previously I had told him I was like, I don't want to be like my grandparents, I don't want to be judgmental, I don't want to be like legalistic and all this stuff. And and he told me, and I had talked to him at length about this, and he told me he said, I it sounds to me like you're becoming the very thing that you don't want to be. You sounds like you're becoming like your grandparents.
SPEAKER_01Mercy.
SPEAKER_03And that was like that was like a brick that he just like picked up off the you know ground and just chucked in my face, like it hit me like a like a brick.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_03And I I knew he was right because everything like just came into perspective. And like I woke up to it, you know, which I would have been completely blind at that up to that point. And then he said it to me and I said, He's right. And I wasn't offended, I wasn't like I wasn't angry or upset, like I was so grateful for him. Like I was like, I didn't know what to but I didn't know what to say because I knew that it was true, and I just I told him exactly that. I said, I I don't know what to say, but thank you, you know, like thank you for coming and talking to me like that. And I went after that, like that just shattered like my whole like world, like at that point, because I knew that at that point, like what I was doing to try to free myself and performing all this stuff was not the way. And I told God, like I went back, like, and at this point, like like I was so I had so so much desire to like be free from my addiction that I would be, I would literally like I would do the thing, and then moments later, with flooded with guilt and shame and condemnation and regret, I would like be on my knees in tears begging God to take it away from me. I was like, and and this happened like multiple times. I was just like, I was desperate because like here I had spent most of the year trying to further my relationship with God, and it had been incredible, but yet I felt like there was something holding me back. I wasn't able to progress, and I was not being able to be free from my addiction. And and I was just pleading with God, like, God, take this, take this. What do I have to do? What more? Right, what more do you want? Like, I've given you everything. And and when my friend came and told me that, I was like, I just like woke up. I was like, like, God, like, I can't do anything. Like, I'm at rock bottom, like I have nothing more to give. And I know that what I'm doing is not right. Um, and I don't know, I don't know what to do. I don't know what the right thing is to do. And um, and so at that point, like after that moment, I kind of went into this like bit of a spiritual limbo um like phase where I knew what was wrong, but I didn't know what was right. Like, and I I still struggled with uh the addiction and the cycle, and I would still be guilty and shamed and condemned, but I was no longer like trying really, really hard to like get out of it. I was waiting. Um, I was just waiting, like for God to show me. I I still studied as as eagerly as I did before and as zealously as I did before, but I just kind of like I just went into this, like, okay, God, I'm I'm waiting here. Tell me, teach me, show me something, give me a breakthrough, you know. And that went on. Um, I came back from Brazil. I went back to to Spokane. At that time, my dad was living in town. Um, my mom was living um in another town like half an hour away, um, not in not in Spokane, um, but bordering town. And uh I just like I went back there, I got a job. I worked for Delta at the airport, which was like a dream come true. I was like, I want to work on airplanes, you know. And I like I've had this dream to be a pilot since I was like four years old. So um I I had heard about the school out in Michigan, School of Missionary Aviation Technology, um, SMAT. Uh, and I was at that point I had applied and I didn't have any money because I was coming back from being a missionary, you know, in Brazil. And so I was like, okay, I'm gonna get a job and I have eight months to basically work my butt off, save as much money as I can so I can go to this school, and I was gonna go do the maintenance program there. And so I um I uh uh started work and I just kind of went into this life routine at Delta, and I was uh I I did you know I still had a relationship with God. Of course, I'm reading my Bible and I'm being a a real witness to the people at work and just I'm making tons of friends. Um it was just an awesome, awesome like opportunity. Uh some of the people there that I made friends with, I still talk to occasionally today. Um and and but during all that time I'm still like struggling, you know. Sure. Um I and
SPEAKER_01Trying to get to get out to Michigan. I have a feeling something's gonna happen in Michigan.
Back Home, Work, And Waiting On God
SPEAKER_03Yeah, something's gonna happen in Michigan. So I I finished the eight months um still struggling with this addiction and just wanting above everything else to get out of it and um and not have it. So I go back to I I pack up my stuff when it's time to leave. I all everything in my little Jetta and all by myself make the drive all the way out from Washington to Ionia, Michigan. Um I took it in a week and I actually visited my my grandpa in Den in uh Denver area and visited some places along the way and whatever. So finally got to Michigan and started school there. Uh went to go find a church. Uh two of my classmates were um grew up as Adventists as well. One of them, which I ended up hanging out with a lot more um than the other one, uh, was Seth Morgan, uh, who was the youngest brother of the pastor at Three Angels Fellowship Church, which is the church that Verna um goes to. And uh and so we were like looking for a church, and we went to like probably half a dozen different churches and finally landed ourselves at at Three Angels because Seth wanted to go there because his brother was a pastor there, right? And so we went there and um I really kind of really liked that church. It was a nice church, and that's kind of where we we landed. And um people there were super friendly, just kind of like took us in, and um, especially Verna. Um she just like like just took us in, like uh and it would always invite us over to her house and um give us, you know, like after if there was no potluck at church, she'd be like, come over to eat some food, you know, come hang out. And I you know, I I didn't have anything to do, so I'm like, okay, I'm going. And uh yeah, so me being there was super um, it was a whole nother chapter too, and I I learned a whole lot because that was actually the very first situation since I had left grade school. Like I left grade school, went to academy, went to Brazil. I'd learned all these things. I had learned how to be confident, I learned like how to like uh have high self-esteem, you know, not think lowly of myself, have friends. I had so many friends. I was famous before I even got to Brazil, you know, because I'm an American white, you know, kid that's like, you know, blue, blue eyes or blue eyes, blonde hair, you know. And um, so I had all this social skill and everything. And so I I go to Michigan, and now this is a Christian school, but it's full of all these different, you know, denominations. And um, and that was like that threw me for a loop because all of a sudden all of this trauma from like my growing up years just come flooding back. Oh wow and it made me it made my brain have to learn how to rely on the things that I had learned and not the trauma that I had experienced. And I had to like sort that out and say, I'm not gonna act like that because I know where that's coming from. That's coming from my childhood. I'm no longer that person, I'm this. And so like learning how to actually apply that in that situation um was a huge like um growing phase. Um and it was like God just knew He was like, I need you to go back to this place and learn how to how to how to act and how to how to be in that situation. And it was just it was incredible. Um so from there, it was I was I went there in August, and from August to about February, I um still struggling with this problem, but I I had encountered a lot of people that um like that were Christians but not Adventists, and I still had this mentality like Sabbath is right, you know, if only everyone would just agree upon the Sabbath, like it would all be okay, you know.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03And um, so I'm like trying to convince people, but in a much more like mature and non-judgmental way um than before, and um and more focusing on building friendships and not just trying to convince people of the truth. And um, and that being said, like I made friends with a lot of people there, and um two in particular, um, they were uh Anabaptist, and um I'm not super sure like all the things that that that their church like believes or whatever, but it's you know evangelical, uh um has some elements of like um the Mennonite you know church and things like that. Um but yeah, Sunday, you know, all this stuff. And I just like I was um just super amazed at how Christ-like their character was. Um and like they were so kind, so gentle, so caring. Um and like they they just had wisdom that was not human wisdom, you know, and it was just like it was incredible for me to watch. Like I just admired them. I was like, wow, and this is the logic that went inside like went on inside my head was God, like these people are not Adventists, they don't know about the Sabbath, they don't know all these truths, but yet they're more of a Christian than I am. Mercy, and uh, and that just like that just kind of blew my mind a little, um, rocked my worldview a little. And I just started to ask myself, like, maybe, even though, like, obviously this doctrinal truth is important, but maybe that's just not the thing. You know, and um, which previously I had always thought that's the thing, like this is the message, yeah. And all of that, you know, mental like um, you know, uh uh thinking, you know, uh scenario, seeing this and asking myself, you know, well, they're more Christian than me, and they're not even Adventists, you know, all this stuff um was really preparing me for um like when I heard the real gospel. Um so about February, one Sabbath afternoon, uh we were at church and church ended. There was like potluck or something, and Verna asked me, she's like, So what are you doing? Uh what are you doing this afternoon? And I'm like, I'm gonna go home. I don't have anything to do. And uh she's like, why don't you come over to my place? And I'm just like watching this um like sermon like series thing, and you're welcome to just come out and hang out. We'll have some food and like you know, uh, you can watch this with me, we'll just you know hang out. And I'm like, like in my mind, I'm like, uh I got nothing better to do, and I I really enjoy hanging out with her, you know, she's she's super nice, and so I was like, yeah, of course. And so I go, I was like, I gotta go home and change. So I go home and I change, and I I come back uh to her house and um come in and she's got this sermon series on it. It's like Pastor, I've never never seen this pastor before. So I sit down and I'm listening, and he's like, I don't remember which one he's talking about. I think he was talking about uh the prodigal son, maybe.
SPEAKER_01Always son.
SPEAKER_03Um, yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's the second sermon, always son.
Michigan: Kindness Beyond Denominations
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Um, what's the the third one? If I sometimes get them mixed up.
SPEAKER_01Uh it's probably Adam One, Adam Two.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, okay. So it had to have been um it had to have been a prodigal son. Either that or was Adam One and it was one of them. I don't know. One of those. Anyway, one of those. So I I was just listening to this, and I just like it just the information that I was hearing was biblical information in that in all of my Bible knowledge that I had like gotten in studying and reading and writing, and you know, it was like nothing that he said uh really disagreed with anything that I had studied, but it was definitely not saying the conclusion that I had come to um in my own mind. And that it was very interesting. I was just like, oh, like this is and I just it like I guess if I could describe it now, it was absolutely it was food to a hungry soul, like it was something that I was missing that I didn't know that I was missing.
SPEAKER_01What was this conclusion that was rocking your world?
SPEAKER_03And it was the culmination of like okay, this is this is really it. It's the mind shift of I am free, therefore I do these things. Like we are in freedom and we live from freedom. We do not live to get freedom. And um, and it I think it came all, and and it may very well have been the Adam One, Adam II, because in Adam One and Adam Two, like Jonathan's describing um this identity that we were and we got from the first Adam. And then Jesus came and he actually like gave you this new identity, which has nothing to do with the old identity, and in Christ, you are this already. And my whole mentality at that point was like I am this, you know, like dirty, ugly, dirt, you know, sinner, and I can prove it. Here's my life, you know. And I need to be righteous, I want to be righteous, I want to be good, I want to be free from all of this, but like my life, here's my life. I can't change, you know. And the more I tried, the harder, like the harder I tried, the harder I'd fail. And um, it just like the fact like it was the truth that like, look, you already are this, don't let your and one of the things is um the the I remember the first three rules that Jonathan um says at the very first one, and he's like, There's three rules to this, you know. Yeah, keep coming back, there's resolution, you know. And then he's like, uh be willing to believe the word over your over and instead of your life, where he says instead of your life. And um and and then I I get the I always forget this third one, but the one that is like just has stuck.
SPEAKER_01Don't hear what we're not saying. Yeah, don't hear that.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that's I say that all the time now. Don't hear what we're not saying. Yeah. Um don't hear what we're not saying. I I use that now too. So yeah, that is the third one. Anyway, um, but yeah, that that one that was like, um, be willing to believe the word over and instead of your life. Like, don't let something that's happened in your life define who you are. Like, yeah, your life said that, but what if God says something different that contradicts that? Like, are you gonna believe your life or God? Are you gonna say your life's more true than the word of God? Like, and that was like this is a breakthrough. I'm like, God, like I'm such a sinner, like I'm so like I've done all these things and I can't like I can't put like I can't do it better, you know? And but you're what like you're calling me you're you're calling me something diff completely different. You're saying that I'm not even identified with that, and um and that was like just it just blew my whole worldview apart. And I went home from I went home from that particular evening um with I was just I was excited, I was so excited, like like this is something. And I looked, I didn't really say anything to Verna. I didn't like I was like, wow, that's really cool, or whoa, that's cool. And um, I don't remember saying anything to her, like acting super excited. I just like inside my heart was just like just so like excited. And um, and I went I went home and I like immediately like I like in the car as I'm leaving her house, like I'm looking up love reality. And um, and I I and the the videos like wave one, and so I find um the one that Jonathan did that you guys did at um PVC Live or P, what is it? Yeah, PVC Live.
SPEAKER_01Pleasant Valley.
Hearing Freedom: Identity In Christ
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And um, and so like I start watching through those, and I start back at one, and I watched one and two and three all the way through. And then I watched them again because I had questions, and I was like, I didn't I didn't remember all that he said, so I watched them again, and I I think I probably watched all like all of them like like three times through. And it was like on the third time or the fourth time or whatever, um, it was like I had listened to everything that he had to say, and I had determined that I'd basically exhausted all of my objections, all the legalistic, you know, things like what about this? What about that? You know, like everybody has already asked all the questions and they've all been answered to my satisfaction. And at that point, I'm like super excited. So like I pull out Ellen White and I pull out the Bible, and I'm like just reading and studying and everything, and like Ellen White starts saying the exact same thing. Like, I'm like, wait, what about Jones and Wagner? Like, what if this is that message? You know, so like pull out Jones and Wagner, and I'm like, oh my word, they're saying the same thing, you know? And uh I was just like so excited, and um, yeah, so it was on that like fourth time or something that I finally had exhausted all of the doubts, and I'm like, I'm I was at this point where I had done enough res like like thinking and processing that it was either I like I had to I had come to that decision point again. It was either I accepted it and believed it, I was no longer analyzing it to see if it was true. Like I had already come to that conclusion, like it's true, like what am I gonna do about it? And I was listening, I was probably on the the Adam One or Adam Two one that or it's like the third one, I think, that um one of them, Jonathan appeals. Um, I think at the end, if I'm remembering correctly. Um, and he basically he's like, or he says something, he said something that made me like that pointed it towards me and said, What are you gonna do about it? Like, what am I gonna do? And I just remember I was in the car. I know this is another one of those super vivid moments I'll never forget. I was in the car, I I turned this corner, and Jonathan said this thing, and I just like I said, God, I like that's it. Like, I believe it. Like, I am this thing, and the most amazing uh feeling I've ever experienced. Um, this have you you've read The Pilgrim's Progress?
SPEAKER_01Uh I think so.
SPEAKER_03Uh have you like watched the movie? You know the story though, sure vaguely. Um this is the I think the best way that I can probably describe it. Um, there's a point in the book where Christian, who's the main like character of the whole story, making this journey right to Zion, whatever. And he comes to this point, he goes through this like gate where the devil's like trying to attack him and whatnot, and he's like, then after this gate, like he goes through the gate, and then there's like this hill, and at the top of the hill, there's this cross. And along this whole journey from the the city of destruction, which was his city where he came out of, all along this journey, like he's carrying this burden, and the the more he goes, the heavier this burden gets. And it's just weighing him down, it's making it impossible for him to continue on this journey. And so he gets through the gate and he's going to this hill, and now there's this hill, and it's uh the hill of Calvary, and uh there's the cross at the top, and he knows he has to get to this cross, but um he has to climb this hill. And but this burden at that point had become so big, it was the weight of his sin, you know, had become so big that he could not climb this hill. And as he's trying, he's just he can't. He slips and he falls, and he's just not able to. And then there's a point where he just he looks at the cross and sees the goodness and the mercy and the love of God, and he accepts it, and the burden like just falls off and it rolls down the hill, and he can run to the top of the hill and just like runs to the cross, like the rest of the way. And that's exactly how I felt in the car when I like I said, God, like I believe, like this is who I am, and I just like this weight came like physical weight came off my shoulders, like my my shoulders just relaxed, everything just relaxed, and I felt this peace that came over me like I'd never felt before. And like I felt like I could be flying. Like, I just don't know how to describe it. It was just it was so amazing. And I knew at that point, like nothing was gonna be the same again. Like I knew who I was in Christ, and it was a matter of it was it was only a matter of understanding that more to you know to a more fuller degree. Like, and um, and so like from that point on, like, I just was like all in. Like, every and so then every Wednesday we started listening to these at Vernus Place, and we just like I like in that time I had I had like listened to Wave One so many times, and I listened to Wave Two, and then I listened to Advent, we listened to Adventists in Light of Freedom at Vernus Place too, and that the more and more like I heard Jonathan speak, I was just like, it answers so many questions and so many things, like, and I was like, it just it completely changed my life. And so, more practically speaking, especially with like my porn addiction at that point, like I right away, um, I I no longer had the condemnation, the shame, the guilt, because like I would maybe fall, and um I would get back up, and instead of identifying myself with that, I would immediately identify myself with who I was in Christ. And so, and that allowed me to like I knew that Christ was no longer no further away from me than he was moments before, you know. And um, and that just like that took a huge weight off my shoulders because I no longer did I have to perform then for God's love, right? And it didn't matter what I did, God still loved me. And that was such an important like realization and um thing for me to internalize. So I spent some time internalizing that and um still praying and saying, God, like help me understand this more. Like I know that I'm free. And I stopped like struggling with I stopped struggling with it. Like I would have these moments where I'd fall here, fall there, but it was not a huge struggle like it was before. Like before, it was like every other day. Like I was just it was constant like bombardment of this. Like I have this thought, I I was like the victim, I was a victim to my thoughts, you know. Um and it didn't matter like what time of day it was, like I if I saw something, I if I heard something, if I thought something, it would just like it. I mean, I had no choice. That was like that was it, and it's gonna happen, you know. And um, but once I once I saw who I was, like and believed who I was in Christ, and I I I started from that foundation, all of like that struggle kind of like it was no longer very important. It was and and not in the sense that like, oh, I just kept doing like it was no longer important, therefore I just lived like I lived differently, and it was so much easier for me to do that. And um, and it was just yeah, anyway, so huge life transformation. Um, it was still it was still a bit of a process, but it was like I could actively see progress, you know, um, in my behavior, even though I like it was a constant establishment in like who I was in Christ, like all the time. But my behavior began to change, whereas before I tried everything.
SPEAKER_01And you were sincere, bro. You were just believing the wrong things about yourself.
SPEAKER_03Totally. No, absolutely. And uh, so that went on. That was like that was a pivotal. I started telling everybody, told my family, my sisters, my dad, you know. I started sharing and um couldn't stop sharing. I just and then I wanted to share with my classmates too, who were not Adventists, but I also couldn't, that was a struggle. I I felt like I couldn't because I felt like they would think that I was that dogmatic, you know, like you're just trying to convert me to Adventism, you know. And I was like, I'm not trying to convert you to Adventism, I don't care about that anymore. I want the gospel.
SPEAKER_01And uh so since then you've just been on this journey, yeah, like you're established and you're just being rooted more and more in truth. And if something comes and says something different, or if you slip up, okay, get up and and keep going. And uh like we we know like we know the foundation now, and we can't be shook from it.
From Condemnation To Confidence
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and and from that point, um, like I saw a change in so many other ways too. Like like the like the ability that I gained like in Christ, right? Um, to just not be offended about literally anything. Like to not care, you know, somebody said this, somebody did that, like I know who I am, you know? And uh, or to not be angry, to not like the power that I I I gained to be literally whatever I wanted to be, and that was to be righteous, like to be good. to to do the things that I would read in my Bible and then say like you can do this, you can do that, you know, like all this stuff. Like, like I just I gained that power which prior before I I didn't have, right?
SPEAKER_01And um and so yeah, like um I mean yeah it's been ever since then it's been a journey and there would have been times like I think I went um like I stopped there was a time at some point I you know like I was like okay that's I'm not like I slipped up and I watched porn or whatever and and uh like I got back up and I I went like eight months nine months without like touching porn I was like I'm done you know and uh like free totally free and uh moved out here to Grand Junction Colorado and uh and then it was in May I remember May of last year um where I don't know what it was exactly but um I found myself watching porn again and I'm like what on earth like like I thought this was over and there were several moments in my in that in my journey where um God had come to me and said like you need to like you need to tell somebody like you've done everything you've believed the truth about yourself and everything but um you've never told anybody and um and like I just was like I was I was terrified like I didn't want to I I can't tell people like here I am this like responsible like people think this about me and this is like my whole identity is like Christ and like you know uh reading you know his word and like being a Christian like I love God like I can't like what do people think you know I was terrified and I and I was like I can't do it and like I went to Michigan I God came to me like really convicted me I was like I gotta tell somebody before I went to Michigan but I I couldn't I didn't know the gospel then I was like I can't so when I was in Michigan I kind of like looked like who am I gonna tell who I'm gonna tell who can I trust who can I whatever didn't find anybody heard the gospel was like I'm free you know and like made leaps and bounds towards you know improve like improving too but then when I found myself over here I fell again I'm like I and you know I started like whoa I there's something yet that I'm not believing there's something yet that I'm not like like I haven't let go yet you know and it was the and and God again he came to me very powerfully he said you need to tell somebody like it like sin thrives in darkness you know like you gotta shine the light on it and I was terrified again but I'm like God like at that point I'm like I know that I'm free and I'm so fed up with this I don't I don't want I don't care what I have to do I'll stink and go on CNN and tell everybody um and so and I was like but God like I don't know I don't know who like show me who and it was like right after that like uh I saw one of your videos on Instagram like free from porn like uh men's group and my heart just started racing I'm like no but I'm like God I'm gonna do it so I you know I get on the phone with you man you've been a real huge blessing in our group man praise the Lord you're always there to encourage and I feel like like our our meetings is just we just get together and just encourage one another because yeah we have the foundation we've laid that foundation a long time ago and now we're just like yeah what is there a lie that's coming up or how are we thinking like really concentrating on on what we're allowing to go unquestioned yeah like if a thought comes up like we should end that thought with a question mark so much more of the time than we do because you know what what did bring us back to that thing it's usually something that isn't true that we believe is true in the moment absolutely yeah and and that's really the thing like I I've been able to do like with and like I haven't um like me being in this group has been and and just like coming out and telling people has been like it literally has been this last like thing that I've just let go and um I've had so many victories over the thoughts and the whatever you know that try to come in like it's just time and time and time again and I just like I have that victory and it's incredible.
SPEAKER_03And you know it started with like when I finally let it go for the first time I God was so gracious in that he allowed me to the the first people that I told allowed like he didn't just like destroy my pride all at once but he gave me a group of people that I didn't know that didn't know me and then I was able to just share openly and honestly and um and then from there like when I first released that it was another yet just a whole burden that was just taken off of me. And since then I've had opportunity to share with people and I have not resisted on purpose because like I want to follow this road that God's leading me down is like there's been opportunities for me to to confess and say like hey this is I I have struggled with this but because of my identity like I'm free from it. And um I have not like resisted telling people and so I've there have been several people here in this area that I've told that have that that were able to get to know me for like maybe six months eight months a year that know me a little bit but not like really right so I then I I tell them all of this thing about me and then the testimony like what God has done for me. And then um and so God is like I felt like God was you know leading me to do that and open up even more and then um I knew it probably was long time coming you know the uh I was probably gonna end up on on the Dead to Life podcast eventually um even though I didn't necessarily want to like think about that but um and then when you were like you know at the end of the meeting is like hey Sam we got to get you on the podcast like I'm like okay God like now I'm gonna tell the world and no everybody's gonna know um you know my family's gonna listen to this my friends are gonna listen to this like everybody knows and I have decided that I don't care.
SPEAKER_01You know what if people are frustrated that you used to have a porn habit they're they don't know what's going on in the world. Yeah and if they're frustrated that you used to have a porn habit and they're not overjoyed that you don't have one now well God bless them. Yeah. You know what I'm saying like Yeah.
Walking Out Freedom And Sharing
Bringing Darkness Into Light
SPEAKER_03And that's the mindset like that is the mindset that God has given me and what has enabled me to be so like even excited to come on here and like and share my story because because I know that this isn't who I am like God has given me this complete new identity that I'm totally in on like like God is so good and um and it just like for me to be able to come and share this I've I I've realized like probably nine out of the 10 people that I talk to struggle with the same thing you just they don't tell anybody and and like it has enabled me to just be like to realize that and to be completely unashamed about it be you know and and to just share what God has done in my own life like I have no reservation about that. So many other Deaths alive podcasts have been similar to my own right and it has given me so much more perspective in on my own spiritual life by listening to these podcasts like now I can share my story and maybe somebody else is gonna like listen to it and relate and be like wow like this is and then like gain some knowledge that will allow them to be free like what does the Bible say you know you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. So bro let's uh let's take you back to this kid who is so ashamed and he's crying he's so sincere you get to put your arm around him and minister to him what what are you gonna minister to this kid I would probably say something like God still loves you um and he's not distant from you he's not he's not condemning you or judging you he just loves you um that's probably what it would be I yeah I mean that experience there I like I have I was so like I had such a sincere desire I I didn't even know how to explain I was at rock but I had nothing more to give like I and I had given it all and I I came up short and I said God like if I'm gonna like I want to know you but I can't you know I want to be like you but I can't and um and I just like I pictured myself often being like Jacob you know where he's clinging to the to Jesus to the angel you know he's like I will not let you go unless you bless me. Yeah and uh yeah I would just I would I would sit there and and just tell him that God loves you like God loves you.
SPEAKER_01Amen well Sam like I said you're a blessing to me I'm glad I got to meet you and we're gonna meet in person one of these days but testimony you're a testimony of God's love bro I see your good works and I'm glorifying your father in heaven so thank you so much uh for coming on and and sharing your story man thanks for having me absolutely