Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#261 Hannah Jade: A Nurse From Australia Finds Freedom In God’s Love
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Hannah shares how a lifetime of performance-based faith, fear, and shame slowly unravels as God teaches her what grace actually means. We talk through trauma, health, grief, motherhood, and the mind-body connection until the real miracle lands: her head and heart finally agree that God loves her.
• growing up between Filipino and Scottish identity in rural Australia
• early doubts about prayer and the belief God does not care
• bullying, isolation, and finding belonging in the emo crowd
• family breakdown, church pain, and a lifelong performance mindset
• nursing school, ICU stress, and learning where she thrives
• Arise Bible training and seeing how legalism blocks the heart
• meeting David and discovering peace, respect, and safety in love
• migraines, eczema, and how stress and fear can flare the body
• traumatic birth, postpartum depression, intrusive thoughts, and medical advocacy
• art therapy and naming wounds God answers with truth
• grief after her grandmother’s death and finding God in anger and loss
• anointing, prayer, biblical counseling, and freedom from people pleasing
• ongoing family trials and clinging to God’s promise of restoration
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Welcome To Death To Life
SPEAKER_01The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can. And that's why we want you to hear these stories: stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is death to life.
SPEAKER_00So I turned to this like emo community where I felt accepted with like the few kids who identified as well as emos and and all this. Like, yeah, we're sad about our parents, we're sad about like whatever, like this stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. I'm your host, Richard Young, and today's guest is Hannah, who I have never well, maybe I have met her. Apparently, I have met her, but I haven't met her in person. Uh, but we've been circling this podcast for a month or two, and now we're gonna do it. And I think Hannah's story is gonna be super encouraging. She's from Australia, I think. I'm gonna find out. Uh, so you'll find out with me. But yeah, after uh this you'll hear Hannah. Love y'all, Hannah, appreciate y'all. Buckle up and strap in. Hannah, what's up?
SPEAKER_00Not too much, just in the middle of moving house, but good.
SPEAKER_01Moving house. Where are you moving house from?
SPEAKER_00Um, from one suburb of Brisbane to another.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so Brisbane, I've heard it, I've heard of it. Is it near Sydney or is it near um the what's the other one that's Melbourne? Is it is it near one of those?
SPEAKER_00It is not near either of those. It is further north. So Sydney is like 10 hours south, but I'm still like along the coast. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Isn't Australia everybody along the coast?
SPEAKER_00No. I actually grew up in the desert, so there is like a middle part of Australia that not many people live in.
SPEAKER_01See, this that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking like in my mind, I I think of Australia and like Sydney's over here at the bottom right, and Melbourne's over here at the top left, and then in the middle is is Ayers Rock and nothing else. That's Australia.
SPEAKER_00Melbourne's at the bottom, so like Sydney's above Melbourne, but you're close. It's on the east coast, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then where's Brisbane? Is it on the top right?
SPEAKER_00No, it's on the middle east, and then like it's the Middle East. The mid oh my goodness. I didn't mean to sound like that. Like, it's the middle of the east coast, and then like further north is like Queensland, all of that. Like Cairns, Townsville. You've probably never heard of them, but yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I've heard of Queensland. So is it a popular is it a is a populous place, Brisbane? A lot of people live there.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, there's like I think there's like a million or something people in this city. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Super cool. And you're just moving w from one suburb to another suburb there.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we're just moving, um, moving house, and um, yeah, it's the first time that we are like renting away from family. Um, because like all my husband's family are here in Brisbane,
Growing Up Between Cultures
SPEAKER_00and like this is our first time. Like, we're on our own renting. Like, it's pretty crazy.
SPEAKER_01That is crazy. So, where do we start the story, Hannah? Where where are you taking us? You you lead the way.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Um, well, I guess I could start with where I was born. Um, so I was born in Australia to a dad whose family migrated from Scotland, and my mom came from the Philippines. And I was born in a country town called Mount Isla. It's like it's 10 hours from the beach. The nearest like city is 10 hours away and very isolated, but it was what I knew, so I thought it was awesome. Um, living in the desert.
SPEAKER_01So you're like a hundred percent Australian while also being Filipino and Scottish.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Like I almost, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I like grew up with most of my class were Aboriginal like kids. And so they're like, hey, you're a Vegemite sandwich, which to them, I was white on the outside, but they're like, you're black on the inside like us.
SPEAKER_01Um why were you black on the inside?
SPEAKER_00Because you grew up with Aboriginalist, and then but you're but you're Filipino and but like I guess skin color, I looked white um in that scenario. But yeah, I loved it growing up in the bush and like had really good friends. Um, and I grew up in a very little church, like I think um the Adventist church that I grew up in was like 20 people, um, really small. Um, but yeah, my mum became an Adventist. She was Catholic before, and like my dad's family is like many generations of like Catholic and Methodist. Um so yeah, like I grew up with, I guess I can say like what my idea of God was as a child. Um was I my earliest memory, I think I was like four years old, and I was praying by my parents' bedside because that's like the safest place to be in the house on your parents' bedside. I was like kneeling and I was praying, and I really remember this prayer. I was like, God, please help my dad to win the lottery, and also please make our town flood because like we hardly saw water, and I really wanted to like float in my bedroom on water on my mattress because I thought that would be fun. Um, God did not answer those prayers for good reason, but like I didn't know like the ins and out of like what you should pray for or whatever, but I was like, he can do anything, and um but but then he didn't, and so it was like the first little lie got planted at that age of like he doesn't actually care about you, he doesn't want to like answer your prayers as a four-year-old. Um and yeah, it's like my faith took a little hit as a little kid, but I never told my parents that I prayed that. Um and yeah, we would go to church on Saturday with my mom, just me and my brother, because my dad he wasn't like involved in church and stuff. Um but yeah, like we would sing Jesus Loves Me and stuff, but it was like a thing you say, but I didn't believe it. Like I'd sing Jesus Loves Me as a little kid, but I didn't really believe he actually loved me. That like he loved other people, but not little Hannah. Um and I guess I got fast forward to I guess like primary school and high school. Um I I guess was struggling with my identity. Um like what am I? Because I'm like I'm half white, I'm half Asian, and grew up in Australia, but like I'm not white enough for white people, and I'm not Asian enough for the Asian people. Like, what am I? And um like try I I think maybe everyone struggles with this, but it's like just trying to figure out where do I fit in, like what am I, who am I? And um at that point, I had a little journal that I wrote in and I wrote Dear Diary. I didn't write Dear God, it was just I talked to my diary, and it was so sad. Looking back on it, I'm like, wow, she's not too sad. Like, no, like it the stuff I wrote in it was sad. Like, are you I I I'm aware some of my lingo is gonna be a bit strange to you being American, like, so just let me know if you need me to explain something.
SPEAKER_01But um when you said moving house, yeah, that is not a thing we say in America. Oh, really? I just thought that was cool right away. I'm moving.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, what do you mean?
SPEAKER_01We just say we're moving.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01So I'm like, oh, moving house, that's cool. Like, that makes sense. But yeah, I'll let you know. I'll let you know. I'm friends. I got a few Australian friends, so I I've I've caught up a little bit with some of it.
SPEAKER_00They're my friends too, bees and Karen and Ruth. They're the best, they're so good. Oh, praise God for them. Um, but yeah, so teen years, like the the contents of my diary looking back on it, it was really like emo, and like I'm a Nigel and all this stuff.
SPEAKER_01Um, what's a Nigel?
SPEAKER_00A Nigel. Oh, it's like a loner. Like a loner. There's like there's like a group of people, like all these friends hanging out, and you're like this person on your own. Like you're a Nigel. That must be an Australian thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, who is Nigel? Where does that come from?
SPEAKER_00I don't know. Nigel Thornberry, I don't know, but he wasn't a loner. I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_01Um but you were a Nigel.
SPEAKER_00I was a Nigel because I literally like this is the other thing, like I guess a glimpse into my brain, which God is redeeming, is I I'm very literal. Like, you tell me something, I'm gonna take you at your word. I don't I don't understand. This is one thing that's not Australian about me is sarcasm. I've had to learn it. Like over the years, I've had to understand it. Like when people say, get out of town, I'm like, oh, they don't want me around. Um or like stuff like that. Like I just have a very literal brain and I have like I picture pictures. Um but yeah, and because of that, I didn't quite fit in, um, especially in high school, and I didn't understand the whole like wanting boyfriends and girlfriends and like the latest trends. I was so not fashionable. I was so not like into all of it.
SPEAKER_01Um what did you want?
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I just I was like, oh, I like art, like and I don't really like sport and I like music. I don't really want a boyfriend. Um, I don't know. I just wanted to just chill and be what kind of art were you drawn to?
SPEAKER_01Like you creating art, or were you like into like actually like like artists, like famous artists?
SPEAKER_00I had no idea about famous artists, I just like making stuff, like yeah, that's cool. Even um like I was always playing in the dirt and with sticks and stuff and like trying to make things and like put it on a canvas and just for fun. Um, but it just it wasn't the end thing. And um, I ate my lunch in the toilets at school sometimes um because like I wasn't allowed to eat in the library, and then I didn't want to eat out in public because there's all these groups, and it was just like kids are so mean, like um, they just say some really nasty things, and oh, the other thing is I didn't look like this. This is like I don't know about young people today, they don't seem to go through an ugly duckling stage, they seem to just be like swans already. I'm like, I don't know what this is, maybe because they know how to use makeup. I still don't know how to use that stuff.
SPEAKER_01I I don't know if you've seen kids recently. Yeah, they're they're still looking ugly. Yeah, they're they didn't skip the ugly. No, they're it's called they've got filters on their phone is what and so they can present themselves better. But I I uh I sub I substitute at the local high school from time to time. I haven't done it in about a year, but yeah, they're they're still ugly. God bless them. They're trying. So no, yeah, you were just you were just part of the statistics.
SPEAKER_00Okay, it's the statistics. Um, but yeah, like being half Asian, half Scottish, Scottish people are like really hairy generally. Asians is not so much hair. I got the hair, and like I look like Frida Carlo with the eyebrows, and like I was just this like I was this hairy kid. Um, and I got bullied for that and stuff like that. But yeah, that's you had a unibrow.
SPEAKER_01Did you want the unibrow?
SPEAKER_00No, because I became conscious of it because of other kids like calling me werewolf and like really nasty like stuff. And my mom wouldn't let me shave my legs. I don't know if it's like an ethnic mom thing, but like, leave your hair alone. God made you that way, it's beautiful. And I'm like, I'm hairy.
SPEAKER_01Like, she didn't want you to ever do it, or she didn't want you to do it too young.
SPEAKER_00Maybe, maybe too young, but like ever, because she's like, none of my sisters ever did. I'm like, you don't have hair.
SPEAKER_01Um oh, because she's Filipino.
SPEAKER_00Because she's Filipino. Um, but I ended up doing, I used my dad's razor and like just rebelled there. And then like um, I think I tried to fit into a crowd eventually, like the emo crowd, because that started to become a thing. Like 2006, I was in grade nine, and like that started to be a thing. I'm like, maybe this is my crowd, maybe this is my identity. And I was like, I got into all of that, like that emotional screamo music and stuff.
SPEAKER_01Were you listening to My Chemical Romance?
SPEAKER_00Yes,
Early Faith Doubts And Feeling Unloved
SPEAKER_00yes, the typical, you can imagine like all of those. Um, and like getting the shirt and like the I don't know, like the black clothes, and then I got fake piercings because I was never allowed to get real piercings. So I was like wearing did they look cool?
SPEAKER_01Did you look in the mirror and you're like, that's dope?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I was like, yeah, this is me. This is totally me. Like, this is so cool. Um, but I'm like looking back, I'm like, oh, she just she was just trying to figure it out. Like, I don't feel shame for her. Like, I sometimes think about her and I'm like, like, that was me. Like, she just didn't know. And the other thing was in the background, I didn't mention this, like at church, um my mom, like, she got into a relationship with a church elder, like, and like that's her story to tell. Like, I won't get into too much, but like family life became really chaotic and um not a good thing. And so I guess it was kind of like I didn't feel any connection there and had to sort of come up with a way to cope, I guess. And like God was not my way to cope, like as in I didn't have that relationship with him. So I turned to this like emo community where I felt accepted with like the few kids who identified as well as emos and and all this, like, yeah, we're sad about our parents, we're sad about like whatever, like this stuff. Um, and yeah, like that actually that whole situation that was going on like at church and at home started when I was about nine years old. And like, um, yeah, like that was a big part of I guess questioning like faith and God and everything. Um, but even in the midst of that, like I started to go on a journey with God because there was this couple from like another town that moved to our church and they invested in the like five kids that were at our church, and we were like, wow, like these people are awesome, like they actually care about us and like they did things with us, and just I think like unintentionally, or maybe intentionally, I don't know, but they just showed us the love of God, and it was like super impactful. And I ended up getting baptized when I was like 14. But like the Bible studies with the pastor, I was just like coloring in the pictures, I didn't know what we were talking about. I was just like, um, so Jesus died, and um you gotta get baptized if you want to go to heaven, like to accept this gift kind of thing, and like try not to stuff up. Um, that was kind of what I understood. I'm sure that's not what the pastor said, but like that was what I understood. So I was like, I gotta stop listening to the emo music. I gotta stop like Did you want to?
SPEAKER_01Did you did you did you think that that was making your life um less happy? And so you're like, good, I'll I'll stop listening to this and this will be helpful.
SPEAKER_00No, no, it was because it was like, because you have to, and I was like, oh, I love this music. Like at that time it was really my thing, but I'm like, oh, I've gotta try and like get it off. Um oh, and like, sorry, I totally missed another part, but another thing, like as a child, there was one figure in my life who really showed me the love of God, like, and I really love I love my parents, but like I felt like if I wasn't behaving, I wasn't loved, if that makes sense. And like as an adult now looking back, I know that they loved me the whole time and they were just doing the best they could, parenting how they thought was best with what they knew. Um, but I genuinely was like, I have to perform at home, I have to perform at church, I have to perform at school, and I'm not quite meeting the standard anywhere. Um, but like one figure who I was like, I loved so much because I experienced the father's love through them was my grandma. And she lived 10 hours away. She lived in like the town that's near the beach, and we would visit like on long weekends or school holidays. We would drive and spend time with her. And I remember asking my mom one time, I'm like, Mom, why is it that when I'm with grandma, I never get in trouble? Like, why is it I never get like spanked? And then I was like a little kid, and she didn't have an answer for me. Um, but I just remember always feeling so loved and so accepted by my grandma, no matter what I did. Like, just she got it.
SPEAKER_01That's what grandmas are for.
SPEAKER_00I know, like, but she wasn't like letting me get away with bad stuff. Like, there was a time, like I I don't know. I think she like she she always sewed clothes for us. She would like bake cookies with us, like everything. It was amazing. But one time she made me this dress, and it was around that tween age where I was like getting self-conscious, and I always loved the clothes she made. But that time I was like, oh, I don't know, like I feel too embarrassed to wear this. And she just like her countenance just was like so sad, and like, oh, if I was your age, like I would have been so grateful, like to get and she didn't mean to like, she wasn't trying to guilt trip me, but it was like a genuine, like a sadness of her heart that I had always loved whatever she made, and that was the first time that I allowed self-consciousness, like teenage stuff, like to get in the way. And I was like, oh, like I don't want to hurt her heart. Like, I just it's just like oh, but um, I think looking back, the reason I like never got in trouble was because like I just loved her so much, I just never wanted to do anything that would hurt her. Um or like, but it was just like it was a love-based thing, it was never a fear thing, and I'm like, man, she loved me like that. Um, but yeah, like going through the stuff with mom and dad, like eventually they separated when I was like in late high school. And so I still like struggling with the whole like I'm gonna be a Christian, but I like my emo stuff because it's really like my identity and it really helps me get through. Um like in that time, I sort of I sort of distanced myself a bit from my dad's side of the family because this is my dad's mom that lives here. My mom's family is all in the Philippines, except for like two aunties that live here. And because I felt when my parents split, me and my brother were with my mom, and I felt like, oh, okay, like dad has his own life now, and like we don't belong to him anymore. Um, and I really took that to heart. That was like such a crisis of identity, like I'm not my dad's daughter anymore. But that was not the case at all. But it was just like as a kid, you just sort of take this stuff on and you believe things that aren't necessarily true about a situation. Like your parents can both love you even if they don't quite love each other anymore, like for whatever reason, whatever like their thing is between them, it's not between the kids. But like, I don't know how my brother process processed it, but for me, I took it on as like it's all my fault. Like, it's like not, like it's not your fault as a kid, but it's just well, it's very hard because as a kid, you're self-centered, just because like that's how it is.
SPEAKER_01It's not you're immature, your your brain hasn't matured, and so everything is about you, and so when something happens, you do end up thinking it personally.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, okay, that makes sense. So, yeah, it was just like that mental struggle, and then um, I think I was like 17, I was in grade 12, finishing, and I had to consider what am I gonna do when I finish school. Um, and at that time, the government offered this thing called a traineeship, which is where one day a week you're out of school and you're doing a job. And I got one at the hospital where I got to experience like helping nurses in the hospital, and like I experienced my first patient death and things like that. But I was like, I like developed a passion for this. I'm like, oh, I want to actually help people in this capacity. Um, and yeah, I found it really rewarding, and so I was like, I'm gonna study nursing, that's what I'm gonna do. But I'm like, maybe it's also the Filipino background, like Filipinos and nursing is a thing.
SPEAKER_01Healthcare and Filipinos, they they love healthcare.
SPEAKER_00Um, my mum was like, Yes. Um, so I had to consider going to either the public university, which was 10 hours away, or Avondale College, which is like the Adventist university in Australia, because they offered nursing too. And I was like, actually, I'd love to. I've never been to like an Adventist or like Christian school before. That'd be really cool. Cause like I've only been to public school. Um, and to have like hopefully a Christian emphasis in how I practice as a nurse. Like, but we didn't have enough money um to for me to go. And so it was like, okay, you're gonna have to just go to the public university. Like you'll still pay for it, but like the government, I don't know what they have in America, but we have this thing called Hex, and it's like a commonwealth placement where the government will pay for your degree and then you pay them back, but it's like a really small interest rate. People will disagree with me that it's an interest rate. I say it's interest, but like it's called inflation or something. It's interest anyway. Um yeah, so I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna go to the public union. And like my church family knew about it. And I think it was like a week after I had rejected my I got an acceptance letter for Avondale. Um, I was like, ah, I gotta reject it. I don't have the money for accommodation and all that stuff down there. And they were like, Oh, sorry to hear that. Um, but then they pulled me aside in like this Sabbath school room at church, and there's like the pastor and like all these family members at church, and they're like, Hey, so we heard you wanted to go to Avondale, but you don't have the money. We're gonna pay for your first semester, like so that you can like stay down there, accommodation, all of that's
Bullying, Isolation, And The Emo Identity
SPEAKER_00covered because we really believe that like God wants you there. And I was like, But some of you just had a baby and like you're struggling financially, and you're like, like I was a teenager and I already was like aware of things going on in people's lives, and like, what do you mean? And they're like, nah, we're all pulling together to help you out. And I remember just like crying, being like, Oh wow, like maybe God does like care about this stuff, and um maybe maybe he does, maybe he does love me, like a little bit. We'll find out, and like, yeah, but I'm like, maybe it's just these people, um, these beautiful people, and yeah, I'm just like so grateful to them because I still think of that like wow, like a church that pulls together for a young person. It's just like, man, that's the love of God. Like, I can't even explain. Like, they loved us well, and um, I was able to go to Avondale. My dad, like, I love him. He was worried about me like going to because it's like Sydney, like it's a city, and then but like Avondale's taking.
SPEAKER_01What's Sydney known for? Is it is it like dangerous or is it like worldly or something?
SPEAKER_00This is like my perspective as a country town kid. So, like my Sydney fam are gonna be like, What? No, but um Sydney is like Sin City, like it's got all this terrible stuff, and yeah, it's like no, this is this is a bad place. And I think like any dad with a daughter, like you've got a daughter, you love your girl, you want to protect her from the evils of the world.
SPEAKER_01She's never leaving the house, so that's she's staying with me. Yeah, she's never getting married, it's cool.
SPEAKER_00So, like, even though dad and mum were like separated, he was like, No, don't go there. Um, like you're better off going to the one um where like grandma and granddad live and like other family that we know in townswell. That's like, you know, and I was like, Yeah, maybe. But then I was like, but this is so clearly like in my head. I'm like, this is so clearly where God's leading. So I'm gonna go. Like, I love you, Dad, but I'm gonna go. And um, yeah, so I went and it was awesome. Like the first six months I cried, probably like most days I cried and I'd call home on the landline because I um you guys know what a landline is?
SPEAKER_01I I do know what a landline is. I was born in the 80s.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yep. Oh yeah, it was called they they had like this phone in the dorms like for the girls, and yeah, so like call home. I go miss home, what am I doing here? But I remember like just must have been like a worship because I was like, I was so it was so foreign to me. So many of these, like not just Adventists, but just Christian people that like talking about God all the time, and there's like these worships and stuff. I'm like, wow, this is so like special. Like I've never experienced this in my life. And um there was someone held a worship, and I just held on to this idea from it that I'm not gonna go to sleep. Like each day, I'm gonna choose, I'm not gonna go to sleep till I'm happy with how I lived that day. Um, I'm very literal, so sometimes I didn't go to sleep till real late. But um, like I unless I'm like super happy with how I lived this day, I'm not going to sleep. And so each day I challenged myself to do stuff that was so out of my comfort zone because very much introvert, very much socially inadept. Um I was a kid that came there with not appropriate winter clothing because I came from the like the desert where it's like hot, like nights were cold, but like it was not as cold as this kind of cold down this way. Um, I was wearing like okay, I think you guys call them flip-flops. We call them thongs in Australia. We call them thongs.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, thongs are a completely different thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, okay. Well, we call we call them thongs. That's what I had. I know New Zealanders call them jandles, but like that's what I had for footwear, and like I'd wear jeans, and then I bought a hoodie when I was down there with like what what little sort of allowance I had, and it was not warm enough. But like I was not still not the fashionable kid, still didn't understand social cues, like what's appropriate and stuff. Sometimes I said stuff, put my foot in it. Um, but yeah, but there were some really gracious people that I met there that was so loving. Like, there's a group of beautiful Islander girls. I'm still friends with them to this day. Like, they just took me under their wing because I'm like, I don't know anybody. Um, and um yeah, just it was a good environment where I grew spiritually because I was no longer within the home or under my mother's care or like around anyone in you. It was like it's totally it's my choice. Like, what am I doing? Am I seeking God or am I like gonna go wild and do this crazy stuff? Like, nah, like I just wanted to find out more about God. Like, what is this? And like, does he really love me that much? And I just want to like follow him, whatever that looks like. Um, and yeah, like I found this book when I was there at the library. There's so many cool books. Um, and this one was called like messages to young people. I took that thing so literally, I was like, nah, I can't stay up late, I can't do this. Like it became a to-do list. Um, and I was like, Yeah, I definitely don't want a boyfriend right now. I need to focus on Jesus and my studies, and um yeah, like I wasn't even alone, it was great. Like, I didn't even know if any guy was interested in me or not, because like I didn't have those cues, like I didn't understand, so it was fine. Um, but like I made some really good friends, and yeah, like I was challenged in like nursing, like the things that I saw. I'm like, do I really want to still do this?
SPEAKER_01Like why? Because it was real life, like it was like bloody or something.
SPEAKER_00I think it was like working in the nursing homes. Like you weren't paid, it was like placement that you do to get experience, and it was really confronting um at the nursing homes um some situations that I saw. But I still like I loved the old people, I thought they were so precious, and like I tried to learn some of their languages because some of them had dementia, and like that's all they knew. Like, so I'd learn like little bits of their languages and talk to them. Um, but I was still sort of like people in my class, like, yeah, I'm gonna become a midwife, I'm gonna get into this field of nursing. I'm gonna, I'm like, I have no idea what I want to get into. I just know I want to help people. Um, maybe I'll become like a missionary. And then I was like, you know what? I'll learn to fly a plane next. After this, then I can be like the nurse and fly the plane. That'll be awesome. Yeah. And it was just this idea I came up with because I'm like, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think when you're that age, you're like, you know what? I'm gonna be a dentist and a doctor. And people are like, no one really does that. And you're like, I'm gonna do it because I'm gonna clean their teeth and then give them a heart surgery, and then you realize you get there and you're like, Oh, this is not how the world works. I can't do this.
SPEAKER_00That's not real life. Um, actually, when I was a kid, I was like, I'm gonna be a spy. Um but yeah, that sounds cool. Yeah, it sounds cool. It's like real life. No, um, but yeah, so I went through my nursing degree and beautiful group of people, like growing in faith, and like yeah, being confronted with different things along the way. Um but yeah, like I just I had no interest in like trying anything else out. Like I had no interest in um going to clubs or like whatever. I was like, nah, I just like I want to try this out properly, like tragedy this out. And what is Adventism anyway, too? Because when we when I got to Aventale, I was like, where's the meat? Like, where's the meat at? And where's the milk? Like, where's the cow milk?
SPEAKER_01Um, like they didn't have cow's milk at all.
SPEAKER_00They didn't. Well, it turns out they did, but it was hidden. You had to know where it was because everything that was like on display in this like buffet, cafeteria thing was like sanitarium, rice milk, oat milk, made me feel like puking. But like I had to use this stuff.
SPEAKER_01That's hilarious.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01But they didn't have any chicken, they didn't have a chicken like behind a closed door.
SPEAKER_00So my my nice friends that I made, I was mind you, I was 17, so I had to get permission to go off campus anytime I went off campus because I was like under 18. Oh wow. And um, they'd take me to KFC and I was like, thank you. Um, do you have KFC in America?
SPEAKER_01Uh Kentucky is the state right above me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is right there.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, that's that's cool.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but um, yeah, or speaking of like socially inadept, I didn't know it was a thing that you should like offer fuel money to people, but I didn't even have money to offer the fuel money. Like I had a bit of allowance to like buy a little bit of like that three dollar meal chicken stuff. But um, that stuff I learned later. Yeah, side note. Um, so second year nursing, we had to move from the Kuranbong campus, which is like in the country where where all of Avondale is, to Sydney to be like in Sydney where there's a Sydney Adventist hospital, because then the nursing students get moved there, and you have to finish your second and third year
Family Chaos And A Performance Mindset
SPEAKER_00there because I guess it's more access to other hospitals, gain experience, that kind of thing. And I remember crying every day when I moved there because it was like another change, and um like it was um it was another shift because I had to find another church to go to and stuff, and like I couldn't find like where to fit in and like this one church I went to visit, and um they're like, Yeah, we're having a working bee on Sunday, and my mum she came with me to help me like move there, and then Sunday morning I took her like on the bus to get to like the train station so then she could go to catch the plane. She's like, You should go to that working bee, like you might meet people there, and you know, might the good church family kind of kind of vibes or whatever. And I was like, Oh, okay, mom, like so. Then I went and they were like, Yeah, you can clean this room, and so I got pointed to this, like almost like an attic, but it was like not up there, and so I'm like trying to clean this, and it has like toy storage and whatever, and they're I finished and I went like looking for other people, but they were already all like eating lunch together, and I was just like so sad. I was like, so okay. So then I just like walked back to the dorms crying because I'm like, oh like I feel so sad for that, Hannah, because I'm like, oh, she just like I don't know, always ended up ended up in these situations. Um and yeah, but like that's like a side note, like a memory. I'm like, oh um, and I had to cook for myself for the first time because there was no cafeteria, like it wasn't included in your accommodation, like Avondale College campus. And so I was like, I don't know how to cook. Mom, can you send me some recipes? You never taught me how to cook. Um and so she sends me this list of recipes, and it's all desserts, like Filipino desserts. And the one savory recipe she gives me is like pumpkin soup. And the only instruction beneath it was chop pumpkin. And I was like, Mom, you didn't even finish that one. Um but you know, she gave me all the dessert recipes, but I'm not gonna live on this. So yeah, I I made friends with some other people. Yeah, I made friends with this other girl who was like half Filipino like me, and she was good. She taught me a lot of cooking and stuff. She also taught me a lot of social um appropriateness. So I like, thank you, Jesus, for her. Um, it was an amazing time because then there was all obviously more growth there too. Um, and then I got to my third year, and I just remember being like, man, it's just Jesus and me and my mates, and this is awesome. And I was another thing I didn't mention was I was obsessed from childhood with Hawaii. Like I always wanted to go there. Like, I watched movies about it, documentaries. And when I was at um the Sydney campus, they had a library there for the nursing students, and there was a section of Hawaii DVDs, and I was like, yeah. And so I'd be like, I don't know why, but I was like borrowing them all the time and like watching them, like, yeah, this is like Hawaii. I'm gonna go there one day. Maybe I'll nurse there one day. Um, and she was obsessed with Hawaii too. Yeah, yeah. I was like, this is heaven on earth, and it has snow in the top of the mountain in Hawaii. They got snow and they got the beach, they got everything. Um, like there's this all this cool stuff about Hawaii. And another thing with that is I made up this crazy idea in my head so that I would never date anyone. Was I'm gonna marry a guy who has really, really curly hair, and he's like Brazilian, but he's like Hawaiian, and he can surf, and we'll have twin boys and they'll play soccer. And I'm gonna learn to surf because that's who my husband's gonna be, and I gotta wake up early and like I'm gonna surf. And I made friends with like um, well, the group that I was friends with, they were like, Yeah, we're gonna go surfing. And so, like, some of them taught me how to surf, which was fun. Um, and I was like, Yes, I'm getting closer to my goal. Um, and then Soul Surfer came out, and I bought that movie, and like I love her story too. Um, I was like, Yeah, I'm gonna go to Kauai. I don't even know if I'm saying it right because Aussie Aqua.
SPEAKER_01Kauai, yeah, that's where we my wife and I went on our honeymoon to Kauai, which is the garden.
SPEAKER_00And I went to Kauai for our honeymoon.
SPEAKER_01Did we see you?
SPEAKER_00No, um, I did not meet my husband yet. Um, yeah, true to my word, I did not marry anyone I met at Avondale. Um, but I did meet a guy when I was in Sydney, and like that, like we ended up like getting into a relationship when I was in my final year of nursing. Um and honestly, it like it was a hard thing because I didn't really grow up with any, I guess, wisdom from my parents about how to navigate relationships and what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. Like, so because I had come from a broken home, I had this idea in my head when I get into a relationship, that is it. I'm not like separating, I'm not doing this or that, like that's it. But I was like, I didn't have the I guess wisdom to know that's not for dating, that's for marriage, Hannah. Like, right, not for dating. But I didn't have any like wit wise voices in my life to sort of like guide me in that. And yeah, like I dated this guy, and like we dated for like two years. So I was in my final year of nursing, and then I didn't get into the job I had applied for. I had applied for the children's hospital because I had discovered in my placements, I'm like, oh, this is where my passion is. Like for ages, I did all these different placements, and I was like, yeah, like, you know, I could help people here, I could help people there, but it wasn't like my passion. And then I went into my children's placement and I was like, this is it, like this is the place, this is where I want to be. Like, so I applied for the children's hospital, and I probably said something I should have said in my interview, and I was like, so it's like I'm kind of like Jewish, but not because that was how I tried to explain Adventism.
SPEAKER_01I try to describe Adventism.
SPEAKER_00I'm like, because like I keep the Sabbath and stuff, but like Jesus healed on the Sabbath. So like I'm cool with working on the Sabbath because these kids need someone. You know, no one plans when they're gonna have anaphylaxis. And I shouldn't have said that in an interview. I was way too like, I didn't know when to say things, when not to say things. Um, that's probably why I didn't get that.
SPEAKER_01But anyway, um they were like, we're not hiring her because she's Jewish, but not really.
SPEAKER_00She's talking about Jesus in her interview. Is she? Um, but yeah, that I didn't get anything. And then um I had also applied for back home, like back in Mount Isa in the bush. It's what we call it out the desert, the bush. So, and I actually got in. Um, probably, I I don't know. It's like God's hand leading, but also like I had family still there, my mom was still there, my dad was still there, and my brother. Um, and so I got in there and they did um put in a children's placement there. So I was like, I'm going because there will be a rotation I do that's in pediatrics. Um, and then yeah, like the boyfriend I had at the time was not happy about it, but I was like, Well, God's opened that door for me and I'm gonna go. Um and yeah, so I went and that was like really hard because at that time dad came back um to live with us as a family, and I thought, oh, him and mom are like fixing things up, like, praise God, this is awesome. And then, like a month after I moved home, he just disappeared, and I was like, devastated. Like, where's dad? Like, what's going on? And all my mom could do was cry. She's like, he'll tell you. And I'm like, but where is he? Like, I don't even know where he is. Um, and yeah, like eventually, like dad came again and um he tried to talk to me and my brother separately, but I was like, nah no, you can tell us all. Like, come to the lounge room, we're all gonna sit together and you tell us all. I don't want you separating any of us, like tell us as a family. And he told us um what went down, and I was like, I am new, I am not the old Hannah. Because when he told me, I'm like, I feel like old me, like old me, like 14-year-old me would have been like angry and probably cussing and stuff. Um, but I was like, okay, dad, like that's really sad, but like I love you, and like I don't understand, but like I love you. And um basically that was like the final like me and mom are never getting back together. Like this is this is it. Um and yeah, so then like going on from there, I still did feel a bit like dad doesn't love me. Um, but I I fully didn't I didn't fully understand what was going on in the background with him and and mom, like their personal relationship and stuff. Like that's still like that's their thing. Um and I was struggling with like my boyfriend at the time. Um that was a really difficult thing. And yeah, and then dealing with like starting work as a
Church Support And A Door Opens
SPEAKER_00nurse, like I had a patient run away from me on my first day, and another one was telling me I'm trying to kill him, but he was he had dementia, like, and it was I got given six patients, which was kind of normal back then, like um, but it was a lot as like just getting like thrown in the deep. I had a mentor, but he kind of like didn't really do a lot. He was like, you can do it all, and just like watch me. I'm like, ha, I'm like sinking, and I didn't have lunch on my first day as a nurse. Like I was like dehydrated and just it was bad. Um, but eventually it got better as I got more experience. I was able to manage time better and like that kind of thing. Um and yeah, that was the medical ward, that was not the children's ward. Like because I did like medical, surgical, and palliative, and then I did intensive care, like high dependency, then children's, and then I did a rural outpost, which is like an even more remote town in the area, um, in the district, I guess you call it. And yeah, like through like providential circumstances, like God brought me back to Sydney, and um I got a job at their children's hospital at Westmead, which was like my dream.
SPEAKER_01It was how old were you when this happened?
SPEAKER_00Um that was 2015, so I think I was like 22, 23. Um, and like I was still in that relationship, but it wasn't good. Like when I was in Mount Isra that year, it was just like so rocky. And I remember some random lady that visited our church, because we always get like visitors come through because it's country town. She was like, Sounds like your relationship's not going that good, love. And I'm like, What do you mean? Um, because I was just saying, like, you know, if this relationship breaks down, I'm just gonna go become Mother Teresa. Like, as in, I'm just gonna go do mission work like I had always intended to, and like help children. That's it. And she's like, Oh, well, it just doesn't sound very good. I'm like, what? And like, no one ever talked about the relationship I was in in a negative way, except for this one random lady, and um my uncle, who is like the sweetest gentle giant, and like he he doesn't say too much, but when he talks, it's just like where'd that come from? Like he was like, you know, you got you gotta be careful there. Like he just said something. I was like, hmm, that's weird, but no one else said anything. Like, I I didn't know like that my parents thought it was not good because they never said anything to me until like after the relationship ended. And um, like I didn't talk to my family for ages when I moved back to Sydney because like the relationship broke down when I moved back. And I started my job in the intensive care with kids. I needed Jesus big time. Like when I was like anytime I walked into that place, I was like praying. I was like praying for whatever children I was caring for. Cause I'm like, God, like this is it. Like, this is intensive care. If they don't recover from this it, they're gone. Like, and if they do, like it's a miracle if they come out like okay. Um, unless it's obviously like a planned stay at ICU because of a surgery kind of thing. But yeah, like, and I'd have nightmares and like I'd wake up thinking how is it work, like trying to stop a kid from pulling a tube out of their like throat, like the breathing tubes and stuff. And I'm like, I didn't think that that was a sign that maybe you've got anxiety, maybe this is not the best work environment for you. And it's not because of the people, it's not because of the children, but maybe just like for you as a person, that's not the place for you to be. Um, but I stuck it out for a year because I'm always like, if I said I'm gonna do something, I gotta do it. Um and so like I set out for that year, and um eventually I did start talking to my family again. I think I just felt so much shame over what happened, and um then they were like, Yeah, we didn't like it and all this. I'm like, why do you not say something to me? But anyway, and um the really awesome thing was even though it was such like a hard year, the good thing was in that like I think I was able to like rebuild in who I was again, like reclaim my identity. And in a sense, like it wasn't a healthy identity still, but I was I guess drawing going back to God for a lot, like as in I would just go into nature randomly and just like be talking to God, and like there was these books that somehow he led me to these different books that I would be reading, like one was on fasting, one was this random book from this lady that was so hard to read because it's so poetic. And I'm like, brother, this is hard. But then once I got into her style of writing, I was like, oh wow, this is so beautiful. Um, and just like an another glimpse of who God is as a like how did God feel about you? Um at that time, I was like, He cares about me, but I still have to perform. Like, and that that was kind of the theme of my life, like you gotta perform. Like he's happy with you while you're doing good, and when you're not doing good, he's not really happy with you, he's like disappointed. Um, and yeah, I guess like that was kind of the thing, and I was still a bit fearful of him, like in things that he may do, um, or like ask me to do, thinking that yeah, it would be like too scary, or I don't know, stuff like that. And I ended up leaving the job that I was in. I didn't leave the children's hospital, like I was praying about it, and then an opening came up in the operating theaters, and um yeah, he led in that way. Like it was awesome. I got led to there, and then I was like, oh, this is where I really meant to be. Um, and I felt like, oh, thank you, Jesus. Like, this is definitely like you hooked me up here because I feel at peace in this job, and like it didn't matter what emergency cases we'd come up with, like it didn't phase me. I was like, yep, like we got this, like you got this. And as an anesthetic nurse slash recovery nurse, and I felt like as a little guardian angel while they're sleeping, like on the operating table, and making sure they're safe, making sure everything's like all sweet, and like helping the parents when we go to put their kids to sleep, like helping them feel at peace too, even though like it's hard to like walk away from your baby or from your little one. It's like we are looking after them, like we promise you, like this is they need this surgery, and you're doing the right thing, like you're not doing anything wrong, like as a parent. You just gotta trust and like just building those little relationships for that short time you're there, and like just letting them know, like, be at peace, be at ease, like they're gonna be okay. Like, this is this is what we do. And um, yeah, it was just so special working with all those people at that hospital. I'm like, I just have so much respect and love for them. Like, God's put you all there, like to bless these families, to to be there at such a vulnerable time. Like, it's just it's just beautiful. Um, like it's heartbreaking, and some points it is heartbreaking because sometimes there's not like a positive outcome that you would expect. But majority of the time it's just like yeah, like it's quite straightforward. Um, but yeah, it was the kind of job that I was like, God, if I like if this country turned communist and like I wasn't getting paid no more, I'd still show up to work every day. Like, I'd still show up here. You love me. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess I love people and like everyone's a kid, right? We're all someone's child, like at the end of the day. And I think maybe that's why I I've always loved working with children. And maybe also having the the background in what I'd experienced, I'm like, man, I never want a child to ever feel like they don't matter. I never want a child to feel like they're not heard and they're not seen because they are, and they're so valuable. Like, yeah, that's something that I've always yeah, just wanted and felt. Um and actually, like any relationship that I got in, which was literally like one, like there was another guy, but like it wasn't real because it was long distance. But I'd always painted a picture in my head that whoever I marry, like, I want to see in them the type of person that our our home could be a kind of home that'd be open to kids who need a place to belong, who need a place to feel safe. And I just want them to experience that. And so, like, whoever the guy is, like, that's who he's gotta be. And I guess sometimes I painted a picture of someone, it's the idea of them, it's not really them. If that makes sense, like I feel like as a young person when you're dating or whatever, you build up a picture of who someone is, but that's not really who they are, like you don't really know them.
SPEAKER_01Um, but you kind of just wanted to match with the things that you think are important, yeah. So much of the time you're just looking, you don't know you're doing this, but you're looking for like you. You're like they they have my background, that like they have my similar family values, they have this thing, and so you can feel comfortable, and then that's not how life works. Like you get with somebody, and and they have all these things that don't match your things, and and that's that's where you gotta grow and and be okay with it, or it's gonna be a tough time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, so yeah, like that was me at that point.
Avondale Nursing And Learning Belonging
SPEAKER_00Like, I was single, and then I had grown in understanding a bit more of social normals and stuff. Um, and I was attending a really awesome church um in Sydney where there was like lots of young people, and we would go like adventures in the afternoon, like after church lunch, didn't matter who you were, we were inviting you. Like, come with us, we're gonna go to like this beach, or we're gonna go to this national park, and we're gonna go for a hike or whatever. It was just such an awesome time. And it was the first time I got given keys to a church. Like the pastor gave me a key because he's like, You're such a valuable part of this community, like we really like want to know, like we trust you. And like I was teaching the girls, like teen Sabbath school. I mean, it wasn't girls' Sabbath school, but only girls showed up for some reason. So it was like um helping out in that capacity and like youth groups and stuff like that. It was just such a special time, and like I really thank God for that. And it was the first time I moved into a share house, like I'd always lived in the accommodation, um, like the student accommodation. It was the first time we moved into a share house with other Christian girls, and I was like, wow, this is awesome! I love doing life with these girls, like I love doing life with the people I work with, I love doing life with my church family, like this is awesome. And I was growing in learning more of who God is and who he is to me. And this is gonna sound whack, but um, it was the first time I understood the Holy Spirit was like, the Holy Spirit is a person. Um because I was like reading so many different books. I was like reading my Bible, reading these books, and like praying, and like War Room came out, and so like I changed my cupboard, it was covered in like prayers for different people and like all this stuff. Um and oh my earplug.
SPEAKER_01You're so you're so sincere. Like this is that this is beautiful about you. Like you're going after, you're reading, like I think there's a openness, your your heart was open, and you just wanted God, you wanted to see what it was really about. I think that's beautiful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I just wanted to know him. Like, I remember coming across a quote of C.S. Lewis, it's like, I want God, not my idea of God. Like, I didn't want to like put on the stuff that like I had previously believed. I'm like, just tell me like who you are, I want to know you. And um, I think it was a book called It was AW Toza. I think it was like The Pursuit of God or God's Pursuit of Man. It was one of them, because like both ways around, can't remember which one, but um, talked about Holy Spirit, and I was like, no way, like I had no idea, and I was like, this is so cool. Um, and then I remember I started to hear his voice, and I was like, that must be you, because that was not my idea. But this this thought like came to me, like I heard the words, live lightly, you're not gonna be here long. And I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean I'm not gonna be here long? And it was while I was at work, like getting some things ready for an emergency case, and I remember like grabbing like the mask and like all this equipment. I'm like, what do you mean I'm not gonna be here long? I really like you here. Um but it that came to me again, like when I was at um at the house with the girls, and just again, like, live lightly, you're not gonna be here long. I'm like, what are you talking about? Um, and it must have been like later in that year. Um a friend from church, he went to this thing called Arise. Have you heard of Arise? It's like a Bible college.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure. Light bears David Ashrick and Ty Gibson for sure.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. So he was going to that and I was like, No, you're going to that? He's like, Yeah, I'm like, bro, you're lighting a fire under me. No way. And then, like, at church, Bees was there that summer, like visiting our church, and he prayed for this friend. And um, and I was there too. And I was telling Bees how he lit a fire under me about this, and then he's like, I'll pray for you too, Hannah. And like that year, it was like in the back of my head, like, maybe it's that, like, maybe that's what it's about. And I think it was like maybe there was like a month left of this Arise registration running out. And my cousin came to visit me. She's been throughout my story too, actually. She's a beautiful person. Um, she was like, Hey, why don't you do a rise? And I was like, you know what? I wanted to do it back in 2013 when I was like waiting in between um finishing nursing and then starting my job, but like the relationship I was in didn't quite allow for that. So I just like put it to the side. And she's like, Why not now? And I'm like, um, I got a good church, I got a good job. She's like, Why are you giving God excuses? Like, just pray, ask God about it. And I was like, Oh, okay. And so I did. And like I dropped her off at the airport and I'm driving back, and Sydney is crazy. Like, I used my Google Maps on my phone because there's like so many streets and just like craziness, and it took me past this way. There there's a huge sign, and it said, I rise, like in big letters, I rise. And I was like, that ain't no sign for me, surely not. Um, and like I got home and I was like, I'm just gonna Google, like that must be a development of some property or something, and it did not exist apparently. And I'm like, mm-hmm, um, okay, God. Like, if that's where you want me to go, like you're gonna have to make it really clear to me. And I think he woke me up at like 3 a.m., which sometimes he does at. And like there's no fear in it, it's just like I'm wide awake, okay, I'm gonna pray. And like I opened my Bible, and then this verse, um, I think it's like Second Peter, the one where it's like hastening the day. I remember, but it was like, think of like what life you should be living, um, hastening the day of and like that God is patient, and anyways, oh yeah, 2 Peter 3. And so I was like, okay, I think you've given me enough signs, so I'm gonna apply, even though it's like kind of late to apply. And I got in. Um, like, but I was like, I'm gonna wait to apply when it's like normal daylight hours because they might think I'm kooky for like applying at 3 a.m. So um, yeah. So I did that, and yeah, I got in, and then I found out this other childhood friend was going, and I was like, no way, that's wild. Um, oh, I kind of forgot a little key bit of information there. So, like, this is where my husband comes into the story. So tell us um when I was like that year of just like seeking God and just like just so much growth and like loving the community where I was at. Like I'd never loved Sydney as a city, but I loved the natural environment of that place. Like you can find a pocket in the middle of a random spot in the city, and it's just like beautiful nature. Like it's just so many cool spots to explore. I love it. Don't love the city. But um, New Year's was coming, and when you're like a young single person and you work as a nurse, usually you have to work Christmas, which I didn't mind because I don't have little kids, like so that the families that have kids they can have Christmas off. I'm like, sweet, that's fine. I'll work Christmas Day, I don't mind. And so I'd worked every Christmas. Um, but they're like, you can have New Year's off because you're a young person. I was like, okay. Um, but I'm like, I I don't want to go like to the Sydney fireworks and stuff, like I'm not really into that. Um, but then there was this event on, um, like a youth conference. And I was like, oh yeah, like it's at the beach, it's over New Year's. I got that time off, like because I see you, you do 12 hours shifts, so you get like a whole bunch of days off. So I was like, sweet, I can do it. I'm gonna go. And um, I had no idea when I got there, it was like a Yugoslavian youth convention. Um, I mean, I know Yugoslavia does not exist anymore, but like that's where all these young people were mostly from. And the cool thing was like the speakers were also mowing. Um, it was it was awesome. I was just like young people, and I'm like, yeah, I just want I just want to hang out with like Jesus and like young people that love Jesus. This is cool. And it's at the beach and like the northern beaches. I love the northern beaches. Um, and I didn't meet my husband like the first day, but I met like this really friendly young man who I just knew I could tell he was not interested in me, he was just genuinely friendly, and I was like, Oh, thank you, Jesus, for like providing a friend here. Because like I only knew like two people there, and this was like a friendly young man, and then the next day was like church and they had like a service and stuff, um, and then lunch, and then there was like this guy that was like trying to talk to me, and I was like, I know, he ain't about being a friend, and so I was trying to like run away from him, and I was like just being polite. Like, I always was like, you have to be nice, but you don't have to stay. Um like I disappeared into like the um the chapel. So I just had this sense with like God. I was like, I know that none of like any guy that I have met so far is not my guy, like not the person you have for me. I just know that it's not them, so I'm not mucking around. Like um, and like I hide up in this chapel and like I love drawing still, and so I'm like, I'm drawing like verses and like calligraphy type stuff, and there's some people practicing music for a program in the afternoon, and then next minute that really friendly guy shows up um with a friend of his, and he see they see me in the chapel, they're like, Hey, this is my friend David. And I'm like, Oh, hey, and they were just like not about being weird, just like totally friendly. I was like, Oh, and they're like, Oh, the the afternoon program's about to start, like downstairs. You want to come with us? I was like, Yeah, I'll come with you. And I just felt so at peace and like safe with them. I'm like, I got away from that guy. Um there's been many like guys like that, and I'm like, God bless them, but I know you're not my person, so please stop. Um, but like they didn't.
SPEAKER_01But they played a key part in in the story, you know. If it wouldn't be away from them, yeah, praise the Lord for the Lord.
SPEAKER_00Um oh, and this other thing, it's in my prayer journal. Crazy. Like, I went on a mission trip like a month before this, and um oh no, I didn't. The mission trip was a year later. Where what happened? Where was I? I don't even remember, but it was in my prayer journal that like I was God had said to me, You're probably gonna meet your husband. Like, and I'm like, Yeah, sure. I don't know. Um, I don't know, but yeah. So David, I met him there and he was friendly, and he added me on Facebook after this like youth conference thing finished. Cause yeah, he was really friendly. Oh, actually, he was the only person who shook my hand. I think Europeans really like to like hug and kiss people, and I'm not really a physical touch person. I'm like, shake my hand. Um, just like even as a kid, I didn't love my parents like kissing me and stuff. I don't know why.
SPEAKER_01Did they do it a lot?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I was like made to kiss people. I
Sydney Shift And Growing Pains
SPEAKER_00was made to hug people even when I didn't want to.
SPEAKER_01Oh, maybe that's one of the things that it was then.
SPEAKER_00Maybe, yeah. Um, but yeah, he David was the only person in that whole convention that just stuck out his hand and shook my hand. Everyone else was like hugging me, and I'm like just you know, tolerating this physical touch. And I'm like, oh wow, he respects my space. That's nice.
SPEAKER_01He's the one.
SPEAKER_00I didn't, I didn't think he was the one.
SPEAKER_01I didn't like he shook my hand. That's it. Let's get married.
SPEAKER_00He offered me Pringles, but no. Um, my favorite flavor, original, but no.
SPEAKER_01They he's the one.
SPEAKER_00He was actually, but um he yeah, he added me, and I was like still working at the hospital and stuff at the time in Sydney. He was from Brisbane, so he like he went back home. I rejected his Pringles because I was like, you have a longer drive, like take your snacks. I I'm only like an hour from here. I didn't mean to reject him, I just was like being thoughtful because he's got a long drive. Um makes sense, makes sense, it adds up, it does add up, it does, but yeah, he added me and I was like, Okay, God, like I don't know what's happening here, but like you lead with that. And I was like, I'm not gonna message him, but he messages me first, and you know the guy I was trying to run away from, he added me the same time too, and he messaged me too, but I did not reply.
SPEAKER_01Um uh that one was not from God. That was just just the one you liked. He was from God.
SPEAKER_00It was just like, I don't know, I don't know. But um, and then we just kept like messaging each other like once a week, like just nothing sus. It was like, what are you up to? Like, and just sharing like music.
SPEAKER_01Good to know one another, yeah.
SPEAKER_00It was just that. But I was like, I have no business getting into no long distance, like that's not happening, but I can't tell if he actually like just lacks me as a friend or if he was lacking me for something else. Um, because he was just like genuinely friendly, and yeah, we just like talked for like a year, and then, anyways, at the end of that year, um, that was like I was going to a rise, and then I had no idea that where me and like this friend that I knew were getting placed was right next door to his best friend who was gonna be teaching at a rise, and so he's gonna be visiting his friend, and I happened to be just next door. Um, and yeah, so like I went to a rise and it was the best time. Um, the funny thing was like there was so much beautiful truth shared, but like the sad thing was that it wasn't getting through to me because I had lies and things that I still believed. And I was so like um, I get mocked for this by a certain friend. I was like, I was actually so legalistic because like that's what I grew up with, like that's what I knew. Like the type of Adventism, the type of view of God, like it was so legalistic.
SPEAKER_01Um and yeah, basically, um Did you put everything through that lens of legalism? So they said something beautiful, but you had to put it through a legalistic lens.
SPEAKER_00I I think so. It was like I didn't think. It never hit my heart, if that makes sense. Like it got my head, it never hit my heart. Um, and so like I I was called the rebuking machine at Arise because like I'd say truth. I'd say truth. Like there was this one friend who was like, uh, I'm not even gonna try. Like, this is I'm just gonna relax. Like, I'm not gonna try to learn these verses that we need for like this test that we're doing. I'm like, bro, people sponsored you to be here. Don't be a cop-out, you know? Like, and he was like, Oh, like just like little things like I just say, like, or like a friend was in a relationship with someone that it was like, this is clearly not good. I'm like, they're not for you, like this is gonna end in disaster. Like, I'm I was probably a bit too brutal, like that's kind of what I was like as well. Um, but at least like I was telling you what I thought and was true.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, totally cool.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, totally cool, but maybe like have some tact. Um, yeah. So I went through a rise and I didn't get all my test scores perfect. So I was like, I'm definitely not gonna get that high distinction certificate from a rise, like I'm just gonna like get the passing certificate for a rise, and then we do our graduation, and then I checked the certificate. I'm like, why does it say high achievement? I got stuff wrong. And then the um the dean was like, we go by the spirit of the law, not by the letter of the law. And I was like, no way. Oh, cool. Like, I don't know what that means, but cool. Um like I still and I'm like, I've been through a rise and I didn't get it. I'm like, and it's nothing wrong with them. It was like, it was a me thing, and like even the attitude I went into a rise with was like, I'm gonna get out what I put in, you know, I'm not gonna be a cop, I'm gonna work real hard at this rise thing. Like, I'm gonna knock on all those doors and get rejected and sworn at, but I'm gonna keep knocking because I love Jesus.
SPEAKER_01Mercy.
SPEAKER_00Um, I really hated door knocking for real, but like did you have to do that as a part of the program? It was part of the program, and like you had to do it, and like yeah, I didn't love it, but there were people that came out of that who were like in the church today who had no one knocked on their door, they wouldn't have received like the beautiful truth that they have now, and like in community through like through the hard times in their life, so it's beautiful, but it's like my experience was like not so beautiful, but like beautiful. Um yeah, so that was like the Arise component, and then like the next year. So I David started dating me actually, like in the first month of Arise. Technically, you're not supposed to be dating nobody. And I said to him, Look, um, oh, I didn't even know we were dating, really. He just said, Let's just get to know each other intentionally and see like what grows. Uh smooth, smooth guy, smooth guy. And he lived in Brisbane, so that's like an hour away from where I was. And sometimes he would drive in two hours of traffic to only spend one hour with me um on like a Sunday afternoon.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I was like took your hand, two hours of traffic, Pringles.
SPEAKER_00Pringles. I like to try. Yeah, he's a good guy. Um, and like he never he didn't make any glorious promises with words or anything. He didn't like butter me up with words, it was all action.
SPEAKER_01Straightforward, straight laced.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it was it was like he has not said he loves me, but his actions, like they're good actions. Like, and I actually I didn't feel crazy butterflies or anything when I was around him, I just felt at peace. Um, like I just felt safe and I felt respected, which is something new to me. Um so yeah, and I did say to him when he made his intentions clear, I was like, look, um, I just need you to know I'm at a rise, so I've got to focus on Bible college. So as long as you don't get in the way of that and Jesus, we're sweet. Like, and he's like, that's fine by me. Um, and then so then we were like officially dating, probably like six months into it. I was like, we are dating, aren't we? Right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um he's like, Oh, I don't know, whatever you want to call it.
SPEAKER_00He's smooth, he's very smooth. Um, and yeah, I was like, Can you ask my dad? Because like I think you should ask my dad, even though like I've left home and everything. He's like, Okay, like if you really want me to. So he like talks to my dad on FaceTime. It's like, oh, I'll like clean language. Um, oh mate, like, yeah, you damn need to ask me if she didn't like you, she'd piss you off already. Like in dad's Aussie. Like, I I can't do dad's Aussie accent. Love dad. Um, he knows what words he said. Um, so I guess like fast forwarding that, I then worked at like the hospital in the local area. So like Kingscliffe beautiful part of Australia I never knew existed before. I'm like, it's kind of it's not Hawaii, but it's close.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um but yeah, the then January in the next year. Um, so David went with me to meet my family in person, like, drove all the way to Townsville, which is like 16, 18 hours drive. Um, we stopped in at a friend's place and like stayed at their place on the way, and then like stayed at my mom's and he asked my mom. And then we drove 10 hours inland to Mount Isla and stayed um with my dad and his wife, and he asked my dad. Um, but like I wasn't there when he asked the question. I was just like, if he wants to marry me, hopefully he's asked them.
SPEAKER_01Like and your dad's like, yeah, man, cool, whatever.
SPEAKER_00No, um, so I found out later, dad like got a little bit choked up, and he was like, he was a real man. Like, he's a real man about it all. Like, like, oh. Um, and obviously, like my dad had been hurt by church, like, particularly Adventism, with everything that went down um with my parents. And he called me up and he was like, David's a good man, you know. I guess like not all Adventists are bad, like, or something like that. Um, and yeah, so then David did arise, not because I told him he had to, but like he did it himself, and then we got married in July, like that year, which was winter for us, and then we went to Hawaii um for a honeymoon, which he set that up because he was like, I know you've always wanted to go there since you were a little girl, so we are.
SPEAKER_01Did you go down the Nepali coast?
SPEAKER_00Yes, we did. We hired a local person's um Tacoma with like a rooftop tent and like all the gear, and we just like camped around the island, camped or along the coast, the Nepali coast. Um, yeah, it was beautiful. I was like, God, this is amazing. Um, just so good. Um and then where can I something I guess I forgot to mention because it's hard. There's
Relationships, Boundaries, And Heartbreak
SPEAKER_00a lot of stuff. Sorry, there's like so much. Um is ever since I was a little girl, I struggled with migraines and eczema. Um like eczema more so when I was a baby, and I think like mum put like maybe steroids and stuff on me or something. And then I didn't really know about that condition until I went to Avondale, like it flared up at Avondale big time. Um, but in between, I still always had the migraines at least once a week, and my parents would give me like panadol, uh, I think you guys call it Tylenol. And they're like, crush it, mix it with honey, and give it to me because we never had the children's version. Um, and yeah, like I just got used to taking that. Like in my teen years, I'd have it in my wallet and I'd just like take it whenever I needed it, and eventually it didn't work anymore. Like, panodol did not work. And then I had to switch to neurofin, which I think you guys call Advil. And um, like that worked better, but like I always made sure I took it the right way, which is you should have food in your stomach and stuff. Um, but like fast forward, like at a rise, I had some pretty bad attacks of migraines, and like people were like, we need to send you to this holistic doctor and this and that. Um, I got sent to a naturopath and made me scared of my life, made me scared of vegetables, made me scared of everything like that I had to.
SPEAKER_01Does vegetables cause migraines?
SPEAKER_00No, because it was like you can only eat these types, and then like there's still not enough nutrients. So you need to buy these nutrients from me because like the vegetables don't have enough in them. And I'm like, oh, I don't have that kind of money um to keep buying nutrients off of this person. Um, so I was like, I'm never going to them again, they're woo-woo. So um then I went like to neurologists and stuff. Like after David and I got married, like in the lead up to our wedding, like my eczema went like all over my body. Like I had many different times in my life where the eczema went like wild.
SPEAKER_01And then you were anxious, you think?
SPEAKER_00Well, looking back on it, there were big life changes and very stressful times. And it went everywhere. And so I saw dermatologists and I'd be given like stronger steroids, like protocols to do all of this. Um, and uh let me say like uh 20, 2020. Um, so I got got married in 2018. 2020 COVID happened. Um, I was working at like agency nursing, so it's like in Brisbane, wherever there's like nurses off sick and they need more nurses, they call you and you go in. So I could be anywhere at any time. Like, and um, and then there was like a break because they just didn't need us anymore because I think like they had enough staff to take care of who was sick and stuff. Um had a bit of like a crisis, like, what am I gonna do? I don't even know. I need to change careers because they don't need nurses. Um, but they didn't need nurses, it's just I didn't get cold. And um, I fell pregnant, which was unexpected, um, but in a good way. But I was like, God, why now? Um, actually, something I forgot to mention is like when when I was getting married to David, there was a really stressful time, like with like family and like planning wedding and all of this, and I remember starting to feel just really fearful, like, is God still with me? Like, this is scary. Um and like I didn't really have or I didn't think I had any close mentors I could turn to. Um, it's like I could turn to God, but like I don't know if I'm hearing him right because I was just so full of fear, like fear about like marriage, fear about the future, fear, like just a lot of fear, which is not a good place to be. Um and yeah, so then it kind of went on from that. Like I had this awesome like time with God, and then I just went through this time of so much fear where it was louder than his voice. Um even though like I did like I did know he was leading me when I was dating David, like at each point um where we would meet up, he led me to like tell David all my stuff. Like at one point, he's like, just tell him, tell it all. And I'm like, okay, David, like Holy Spirit told me I could tell you this stuff, and so you can leave if you want to. You don't have to stay in this relationship because I'm gonna tell you some stuff that's really deep and quite personal, but it will give you a better picture of who I am, what I've come from, what my past is, and if that's not okay for you, if that's too much, I'm not gonna be offended. Like, you you are free to go. And he was just like, Whoa, yeah, your dirt's not that bad. And I'm like, really? Like, okay, then I'm like, what did you have to tell him?
SPEAKER_01You're like, I was scared before, or just about your parents?
SPEAKER_00Just just about like I guess like my my appearance, my parents. What?
SPEAKER_01Like your parents, or so like your parents splitting up, like what would you tell them then?
SPEAKER_00So well, I kind of skipped over this, but like the relationship that I was in and how like um how that went down and it was not like really good. Um, and like certain boundaries were crossed that I said like I did not want crossed, and I was very confused from that. Um like going on from that, I I did share my testimony at Kingsliffe Church, like part of it, and I touched on like my story involves adultery, my story involves abuse, um, and yeah, like not many people took that well. So, but I'm like in in saying that, um, like I just see that any time that there was this stuff going down, it was all an identity issue for everybody.
SPEAKER_01Like, so when you told that story, did you do you still deal with the shame? Were you experiencing shame? Is that why?
SPEAKER_00Well, I had people contacting me being like, Have you forgiven them? Have you, you know, forgiven your ex and like all this? I'm like, I have. Like, did you listen to the whole sermon where I was like relating it to Luke 15 and how it didn't matter how messy that sheep got, if it was cut up and bleeding and all the mess it got itself into, that the shepherd was happy to find that sheep and pick it up on its shoulders and carry it home? And that each person in my story, my mom, that church elder, my dad, my ex, like all these people, that they're just like that lost sheep that the savior just wants to pick up in his arms and carry them home. Like I'm not holding anything against anyone. Um, like the story is what it is, like I can't change that, but the father wants them, like amen. Yeah, so I don't know, like I being misunderstood is probably a lot of my story too, but yeah.
SPEAKER_01So David was able to, he's just like, I got you. Yeah, he was like, That's not that bad.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I was like, Are you for real? Like, this fruit. He's like, nah, it's not bad. And then he was like, I actually felt like convicted to share with you too. And I was like, no way, like we had a lot of that, like at each step, like I felt convicted about this. I'm like, no way, me too. Like, and it wasn't like a I'm just trying to like match where he's at, like, no actual. Um, yeah, there was that, and so it's like, I know he's led me, but I don't know why I'm so filled with fear. Um and then falling pregnant, I was like, oh my days, like we we were living in his parents' like um investment property, and like I didn't have a full-time job. He was an apprentice, like he was earning $19 an hour, like apprentice, and it's COVID times, and I'm like, I'm pregnant, but God, why? Like, this is the worst timing ever. Like, why COVID? Like the world is ending. Like, okay, that's a bit dramatic, but um, I'm just like, this is crazy. Like, I don't understand.
SPEAKER_01Um but when two people love each other, Hannah, like this is how it works. You're like, God, why? And he's like, What do you mean? Like that, you guys that's how it works.
SPEAKER_00We'd been married for two years, right? Um, that this is okay, maybe a little bit TMI, but we'll just share it because it might help someone. Um when we got married, like having sex was like scary to me because I guess like I had grown up with this picture of it being a scary thing, and you're not allowed to talk about it. Because when I was in grade one, I borrowed a book from the library about where babies came from because I wanted to know where they came from, because I thought they came from cabbage patches or stalks. And um my mom, like, she didn't see that I borrowed that from the library, she was just like, let everything be scanned. And then I was reading the book at home, and there was a picture with the mom and the dad in the bed with the covers over them, but it showed you what goes where. And I was like, Mom and dad, is this how you got me? Like, just genuinely asking, is this how you got me?
SPEAKER_01And they're like, No, throw that book away.
SPEAKER_00I got spanked and the book got put away till it was time to be recovered.
SPEAKER_01Spanked?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Just for asking. Yeah. So then I didn't want to know. Um, like how old were you? Grade one, um, like six or seven.
ICU Stress And Finding The Right Role
SPEAKER_01Mercy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah, I would have been like six turning seven.
SPEAKER_01Um, so yeah, so then sex has always been this bad thing. It's always been bad.
SPEAKER_00But you should not know about and then yeah, like, and then I'd hear about it at school as a teenager, and it's like, no, your kids should be knowing it from you as parents, not learning it from their mates at school who are gonna twist their view a bit and whatever. For sure. But but, anyways, like that's what it was. So I was really scared of that. Um, and then the guy that we did counseling with, such an awesome, like retired pastor guy. He was so nice. He's like, and our final session will be on sex, and then that final session never happened, and then we got married. He's like, he's like, you'll be right.
SPEAKER_01And I'm like, like, read this book.
SPEAKER_00It's got a picture in it for me. Not even a book, but like, oh, really um nice uh people gave us a book, uh like from a biblical perspective of stuff, which like I read, but I didn't know, like I suffered with a condition called, I think it's like vaginismus or something. It's like a word, I don't remember if that's the right one. Um it's the one where it's like it's just painful, yeah. Like painful, and um, yeah, that's why I'm like, how did I fall pregnant? This hardly happened, like, and just like which is not good because I was like, I'm not gonna hold out on my husband, I'm gonna look after my husband in that area, but it was like, I did not know it was gonna be excruciating. Um, like there were there were some times where it wasn't excruciating, but most of the time it was. And I didn't know like what was the go with that, and then I felt pregnant and I was like, oh my goodness. Um, yeah, this is a new thing.
SPEAKER_01That makes sense. That makes sense, okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_01So you're it's after COVID, you're having this thing, God, why is this happening? What happened?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so then I had um Samuel, he's now five, um, in February 2021, and that was a traumatic birth. Um, yeah, like two weeks after I gave birth to Samuel, I was like, I'm still depressed, like something's not right.
SPEAKER_01Like postpartum blues, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And so David took me to the hospital, good husband, and the doctor was straight up like, You have depression. I believe this is chronic. This is not just from um the birth, like, because I was having all sorts of crazy thoughts, like I shouldn't be here anymore. Maybe like everyone else should raise him and not me. I want to disappear, I want to run away. Like, it just is really like not me, but like these thoughts. Sure. Um, and because I didn't know that not every thought is from you, I was like, This is me. Something's wrong with me.
SPEAKER_01Not every thought is from you. I would argue that no thoughts are from you, thoughts are just things that your mind offers you, and you're the one who observes them. Like you observe the thought, and then if you're like, yeah, and you agree with it, but like there are thoughts that have just been there for forever, or you observe something and then you have a thought, but like if you observe like a pink car going down the road and it comes into your consciousness, that's just a thought that's there because you observed it. But is that thought you? Did you put that thought there? No, it's just something that your mind offers you, and then your mind keeps offering you thoughts if it if you're reminded of a certain place or a certain thing. Your mind, which you're also not your mind, offers you thoughts, and this is all going on. You are the one who is viewing it, and so a thought comes up and you can see it, and you'd be like, Oh, there's that thought. But if you don't know that, then you think it's you, and so a thought that comes in, and like with postpartum blues, um, and this is crazy, but people have this thought, kill your baby. Like that thought can come up when someone but that does that. You the you is the one who observes the thought, kill your baby, and you can be like, No, of course I I love my child. Just because that thought came in there, that doesn't mean that it's me. That that's just a thought that my mind has offered me because of you know, my hormones have radically changed in in you know, in the last four weeks, so much has changed about my body. But if you don't know that, then you could be in deep trouble, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, deep trouble. And she was like offering me like psychology sessions for free with the hospital for like six weeks. And then she was like, and here's a script for drugs. Um, she didn't offer me any solution of like this is how long you'll need to be on them, or this is how you get off of them, what are the side effects? It was like, you need these. Um And then I was sent on my way. But I was like, I'm in so much physical pain still. Like, this isn't normal, is it? Like anytime I move, I hurt. And um, she was just like, uh, well, I'm like a mental health doctor. So just go down to the emergency department because you're still within the first few weeks of postpartum, they'll see you. But I kept getting sent away um until like I found this doctor. Oh, I also didn't take the medication because my husband was like, Look, if you want to take them, you take them. But I just have a feeling it's something else, like it's not just this. And um, we went and found a GP, which I'm like, God led us to her. Like she saved my life because I had retained products, like retained stuff from birth that was not out, and so it was in there, and there was infection inside of me. Um, and that's why it hurt and it felt heavy. I was like, I feel like there's something like I don't understand, it just doesn't feel right. And yeah, she just like she just palpated my belly and was like, you need to go back to the hospital and you need to have an ultrasound emergency scan. And I was like, she was just like so straight faced, so calm. And I'm like, okay, like thank you. And David was like, Okay, we've got a pack some bags, and like took me to the hospital, and I'm waiting in the emergency room, and because I've already had my baby, I'm like low on the list. And next thing I'm like, I just need to go to the bathroom, I don't feel right. And then I started like bleeding out, like, just like it was bad, and had to hit the emergency buzzer while I still was like conscious enough, and yeah, so sorted that out, and I actually had other issues that I had to go see a gynecologist for because like inside closed up. Like I didn't know that was a thing that can happen when you've been torn and stuff, like and your breastfeeding hormone levels and whatever, it closed up. Um and so I had to have like a procedure done, which I was like so scared about. I'm like, I feel so much trauma, like I don't know. And the nurse at this practice, this private practice, was like, I really think you need to see a counselor or like a psychologist, like to work through your trauma um before you procedure. And I was like, Oh, okay, like I didn't even think of that. And so I was like trying to find someone um that I could afford because I wasn't working, I didn't have any maternity leave or anything like that. Um, and we found someone, and she was actually an art therapist, and I was like, Oh, cool. Like she specialized in kids mostly, but she did see adults, and so she came to our house, and Samuel was like in a little bouncer, and she brought like her oil pastels and some paper, and we were just like talking through things, and she's like, Okay, I'd like you to just draw a picture of um like where you're at, like how you see yourself right now. And it was like this dead sunflower, like all brown, and like the tails fell off and stuff, and and she asked me to like put words to um to this picture, like and I was like unloved, unseen, trampled on, rejected, like just did all these things. Um, because I I guess we get really sensitive with all the hormones and everything after giving birth, and I felt like my boundaries were not respected by certain people, and just I felt, yeah, just so just like I'm nothing. And I I was very self-conscious, and it was like all they care about is the baby, like, and I love my baby, but like I don't feel like I love him enough, maybe because they said when you first see your baby, you're supposed to like fall in love, and like I cried, but I was like, I hope I take really good care of you, like I want to like look after you, right? And all this, but um, oh, I'm getting teary thinking about it. Um, but yeah, there was an expectation because of what I'd heard is this is how you should feel, and because I didn't feel it, um, yeah, that was hard. But yeah, talking through it with her was like, Oh, like that's really heavy, like that sounds really hard. And she was like, Do you think that there's anyone that can understand all of those things that you've said? Like feeling rejected, feeling trampled on, feeling unheard, and like all these things, like I can't even remember all of them. But she was like, Do you think Jesus can understand those things? And I was like, What? Like, yeah, like he can, like he went through all of that and more. Like, there is not a single person who has been through something that he cannot identify with. He can identify with everyone, like every suffering, every heartache, every pain, like he can identify with it. And so, like, she prayed with me and she's like, I want to see like what answer does God have for you, like with this, and so with the pastel. It was literally like the opposite to rejected, like accepted, the opposite to like unloved, loved. Like it was like he had an answer for each of those um things that I was feeling, and it was just like so much healing, just in this one little session with her, like that's all I ever had, and it was enough. Um and like leading me on that journey, and so that was 2021. Fast forward to 2023. Um I was finding that I was struggling with mom rage, like, you know, I'm like, what is going on with me? Like, these are such little things, and I don't want to do this, I don't like this, I hate this. In fact, like, why do I feel like I'm easily
Hearing God’s Call Toward Arise
SPEAKER_00triggered? Like, why do I feel like like this doesn't matter? Why? Why is it such a big deal? Like, I don't want this anymore. And I had talked to a friend a year prior, like in 2022, who was into like health and stuff. I'm like, I want to get like better, like I don't want to be relying on steroids no more for my eczema. I don't want to be relying on like drugs for my headaches, like as much as I do. Like, I just want to use them for when I really need them. And I also just want to be a better mum, like I want to be healthy and just all this. And so she was like mentioning all these things. And then she goes, by the way, like there's these counselors that I know, biblical counseling, I think you'd really benefit from it because I it's like really important as well. I was like, Yeah, okay. But like I didn't look into it till the following year when I was like, nah, something's gotta change, like this isn't it. And so I booked in for my first session and it was all on Zoom. And they brought up something in a session. I was like, what do you mean? And it was this quote of like nine out of ten of like the physical issues that we deal with start like in here. Um, and I was like, okay, like what's this about? And like they took me on this journey of like re-looking at like scripture, re-looking at God, like through I don't I don't know a better word than re-looking, that's gonna be another word, but um and the fact that I was believing lies, I was like, what do you mean I'm believing lies? What's that? And it's funny because around the same time I had listened to Bees and Karen's testimonies, like on Death Slack.
SPEAKER_01You saw them come across the internet and you were like, let me listen.
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, like I think Karen shared it, and then I saw Bees shared as well his. And I was like, Oh, this is awesome. I love these guys. Like, they've been that's something like there's just so much that I cannot like put in all of what I'm saying. But like Karen and Bees have been such a huge part of like the story of what has like they've been those people that God has put in the journey along the way. Um, but yeah, like I listened to it, I'm like, wow, that's so beautiful, like what God has done. Like, what is this? Like death to life and stuff. And then I think like wave one was happening, and so I was like, Oh yeah, like I'm gonna join in. Like, I'm a stay-at-home mom right now, I'm not working, like I'll just like tune in when I can. And I tuned into every single day. Um, and I was like, this makes so much sense. Like, I'm like taking notes and like my toddlers like crawling on me, and I'm like trying to deal with like washing at the same time and whatever. And I'm like, it does say that in the Bible.
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_01Um what was the thing that was sticking out the most?
SPEAKER_00Oh I think it was like the thing with the Israelites, like when were they free? Was it like after they crossed the Red Sea? Or was it like when God set them free? Like, was it like that kind of stuff? And then I think it the was it Adam One, Adam Two. Like, I still I feel like I still don't fully understand all of that. Like, I'm still grasping things.
SPEAKER_01That one took a while for me to grasp, Adam One, Adam Two. Yeah, I'm still but it pretty much means that you your lineage went back to the first Adam, but now it goes back to the second Adam, Jesus Christ. And so what is now true about him is true about you, and what's what relates to the first atom, that's no longer the category or where you live now. Now you're in the second atom.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and that's what I think I'm still like learning to walk in. Um all of us are, yeah, yeah, actually, like it literally is because um in times of vulnerability, it's easy to slip back into the old ruts, like because they're so deep. Um, they run deep, they run like 33 years deep, but um maybe 31.
SPEAKER_01But but soon enough, these will run deep.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, these will run deep and they're strong.
SPEAKER_01Um so you were hearing that and you were like, This is this is that's in the Bible.
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, yeah. And then at the same time, like I had some friends who are like, Oh, beware, watch out for this love reality stuff. And I was like, Okay, well, have you even heard it? And they're like, Well, I don't need to. And I'm like, Well, I'm gonna go listen. So I'm like, when people say stuff like about other people or about things, I'm like, well, why don't I just meet them myself? Like instead of just like hearing what you have to do.
SPEAKER_01Wild idea. That's crazy that you would do that.
SPEAKER_00That's crazy, man. But um, you might be deceived. No, but I think that's what do you mean?
SPEAKER_01What are they talking about? I don't really know, but you might be deceived.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, and then like the last day, I was like, wow, like this is like actually good news. Like, I actually want to share this with people because I I had grown up with a lot of different like ideas from here, there, everywhere. Like at church, I didn't know that you should like read your Bible apart from on like church morning, um, because we didn't have like family worship until later in life. And then I was like, what is this thing? Like, what is this family worship stuff? I don't like it. Um, but I think it's because like we didn't know, like my mom was trying to do it. Um, I mean, I appreciated that we learnt lots of songs and stuff, but yeah, it was it just was kind of like it felt forced in a way, but I appreciate that because she kind of forced us, like I remember these songs that are so precious at times that like, oh, I need those words right now. Um, but yeah, at the time I was like this annoyed teenager, like, what is this? Um, but I'm getting sidetracked. So yeah, the the wave one.
SPEAKER_01So we're at the end of wave one. You were talking about the end of wave one.
SPEAKER_00End of wave one. Yeah, and then I think I just like shared that I'm like, this is just so beautiful, and like I actually want to share this with somebody, like anybody that will listen, because this is actually life-changing and it's actually good. But it's like it's not like it wasn't there, it was already there in the Bible. Um, like I genuinely believed my standing with God was based on like how I perform and all this was like clearly it says it in Romans. Um, like no. But yeah, that was that's a journey. And then you took me to Ephesians, I think you or Justin, somebody did, and I was like crying, like so snotty, and like reading this thing, like it says this, and I was like, it might not say it tomorrow. And you're like, nah, you can take it to the bank, like and I was like, okay, well, I'm just gonna see if it says it tomorrow. And like the next day I read, I'm like, it's still there.
SPEAKER_01Like, was it Ephesians 1, 3 through 6, or what was it?
SPEAKER_00It was Ephesians 1, and then like we went all the way down to like I think verse 14, like the Spirit is God's guarantee that He will give us everything He promised, and like, yeah, it's just like the whole thing was like, What? Yes, it's there. I've read it before. You know what? Because I was like, I have to be a real Christian. I read the whole Bible for three years in a row, like three years straight through. But obviously, I didn't like take it in, it was just like gotta get it done. It was like salvation by devotion. Um, not like devotions actually make me like God more. Um, but anyway, so it was like that was a catalyst. And I think at the time I was joining the unapologetically royal Bible study because that was happening. Eventually it stopped. Um, but it was so powerful and so like just a highlight of the week. And like my husband would listen to it sometimes too, because it fell around dinner time. I'm like, can I just like set this up at the table? Like, it's like, yeah, and like little Samuel would be like, Hey, and uh yeah, it was so good.
SPEAKER_01Um, but then eventually it stopped because I think it stopped around the time Karen and Bees fell pregnant, maybe with little maybe, or maybe he was getting in trouble from his people, maybe the church people were I cannot remember, but I was like, I miss you guys.
SPEAKER_00Um but uh when was it? 2024. So that ended up being like a super hard year, um, worse than I ever expected. Like, you know, sometimes you're like, this is gonna be the year, like this is the year, like this is gonna be awesome. And like we had this road trip planned out, like we went to a prayer conference, we went to um Mount Isa to see my dad. Um and well, that was like a month after we'd gone to Townsville for my grandparents' 60th anniversary, which was so special, and spending time with them, and then in May we had this big road trip, which was gonna be our first ever road trip to Mount Isa with Samuel, and it was so special, like going camping with my dad outbush and his wife, and then being able to hear his heart, like his side of the story of growing up, and it was like so healing because for me, I had already come to a place probably like when I was at college or so, when I'd already forgiven my parents for both of their sides, because like I guess like sometimes you can say things about the other parent that's like not so nice when you're going through stuff, like and you no longer love each other the way you used to, and then I feel like that that half of me is bad, and the other half of me is bad, so all of me is bad because like they don't get along. Um, and I said to him, like, yeah, like I actually felt like you didn't love me. Like on my 21st birthday, you never showed up, and then the next day you came with like a card and an instant scratchy, and like, do you know what an instant scratchy is?
SPEAKER_01Is
Legalism Exposed And Dating David
SPEAKER_01that like the lottery?
SPEAKER_00It's like these um little cards that you like get a coin, and like if these things match up, you get something. Um, and I was like, I just really felt like I didn't matter to you anymore. And um, like I even felt like I didn't belong to grandma anymore, which was huge to me because like she was the biggest, like in like she was such a huge impact in my life. But because I'm like, you and mom weren't together, I just felt like I don't belong anymore. And he was like, That's far from it, like that is so not it. Um he's like, No, I was just really hurt and I couldn't be around. Um like and it wasn't because of you, like at all. And I was like, Oh, like it was just so much healing, but I'm like, Dad, I already forgave you and mum years ago because God just showed me you guys are kidding, like not in a disrespectful way, but you guys were like kids or like teenagers, raising kids of your own, in a way like with your own traumas and things that you haven't dealt with, and you're just doing the best you could, and I could forgive you for that because God's forgiven me greatly. I can forgive you guys too. You were just doing the best you could, and I don't hold it against either of you, and that was hard, like what you went through. So I'm like, I already I'd already forgiven them years ago, but it was just like wow, like thank you, God, like that's just so healing, and like, in a way, a bit of a restoration of my relationship with my dad, who I have always loved so much, and it's just like, oh wow. Um, and then like we were out of range in this really beautiful spot called the Gregory, it's like an oasis in the desert. And when we got back into reception, we had all these missed calls on our phones, like all these messages, and we're like, oh no, like what's going on? And then I called my grandfather, and he was just like, Grandma's collapsed. This is what's happened. She's got leukemia. She has two weeks, and I was like, What? Um, and like we were in Mount Isa, which is 10 hours inland from Townsville, which is at least a lot closer than Brisbane. So I was like, Okay, we're going to Townsville, like talk to my dad. And yeah, dad was also like so upset. And so we made a plan to like go across and spend time with her and like like go to the hospital and stuff. And yeah, she made the choice to not go through chemo because she's like 78. And um, she was like, I just want to be with my family, I just want to go home. And she was like, I know where I'm going, I got peace with God, it's okay. And I'm like, and like this is gonna sound really petty, but old me was scared for anyone that wasn't an Seventh day Adventist because like they'll probably be lost. Um, and it's just like, oh my days, like so not true. Um, but I was just so grateful for the journey I had been on and like for truth that was being revealed because it's like I had so much peace with God that I he's like, I got her, like she's okay. Um, and so I was able to spend a week with her there, and then we drove back home to Brisbane, and I called her every day, like, because she still had so much, like she had strength still and everything. Um, but she was getting like tired, and um I eventually drove back to Townsville with Samuel. David had to keep working in Brisbane, and I stayed with her until she passed, so it was like she actually ended up living just under seven weeks instead of two weeks, like they initially said. Um, and it was really special just having time with her, like recording her voice and like writing down some of her stories and just like sharing with her how like I went through some boxes, I'm like, wow, she kept every card I ever wrote her. And um, and I was like, I wonder if she ever knew how much I appreciated and loved her. So like I'd be telling her, she's like, when did I show you a Jesus? Like, just you know, and I'm like, um, all the time, like you just loved us so well, like, and you loved us when we couldn't give you anything back. Like, we were these like snotty-nosed kids that couldn't give you anything except mess and stress, and you loved us. Um, and that, like, she knew that, she did know that. Um, she she probably was like, really? Like, I was just being a grandma, like I was just being your grandma, and um, and she spoke some words to me that just like I hold on to that because I was like, you know, there was a time I really didn't think I belonged to you anymore because of what happened with mom and dad. She's like, never, never once, like you are always like my girl, like nothing changes that ever. And yeah, she was just like, Yeah, I remember being sad, like you'd come to Townshell and you wouldn't see us. Like, I was like, Yeah, that was why. Um, but yeah, eventually she ended up in the palliative care at the hospital, and um yeah, she passed, but there was something really beautiful that I'm like, it's just so precious. Like, dad, he's on his own journey. Um, and he had to go back to Mount Isa 10 hours away because a friend of his suddenly died, and he had to go to a doctor appointment, and then he raced back, and grandma was very close to the end, and we were around her bedside, and dad like rushed in. He literally just got there from a 10-hour drive, raced him in, and he went to her side where her good ear is and just said, Hey mom, it's your boy David. I'm here. My dad's name is David as well, by the way. And um, she was like not really responsive at that point, she was just like just breathing, and it was like a miracle. She turned her face toward him, opened her eyes, and just had this gentle smile on her face, like she was trying to say something to him, and then she just closed her eyes again. Um, and yeah, dad just like oh, just the tears and stuff, because like he's got his own story of stuff he has been through that. Like, I'm like, God only knows. And I'm like, man, like you were just so loved, dad. Like, not only. By grandma, but like even more so by God. And I'm like, this is gonna sound also kind of bad, but like I feel like I have repented of idolatry in certain in terms of it's gonna sound like this sounds whoa idolatry, but like I really did idolize my grandma and I put her on a pedestal instead of God because I didn't know that that was the love of God in a person towards me. And I'm like, I still absolutely love and respect her, but I rightfully on the throne of my heart, like that's actually God, like He's the one there. And all the people in my life who have like been an example or been a light of like God's love, they're just a little picture of like his great love. Um and like yeah, um where she died the next day, actually. Like she kept breathing through the night. They were like, wow, she's still going. Like the the doctors were like amazed, and um yeah, the next day I had such a migraine because it was such a hectic time, and like I I was still struggling with them a little bit, but I was taking like herbs for them instead now, like some teas that actually did help. And um on my drive to the hospital, they didn't tell me she had passed, but when I was like really close for there, it had been raining all week, and there was just like this gap of light above the hospital, and like there's this ray of light there, and there's this huge rainbow after this storm had passed. And I was like, Oh, I don't know, like I know the soul, like as in like the breath, what gives you life, like that's God, like God puts that in each of us, and I'm just like I just see that it's like wow, like he's like, I got her, like just these signs are just like little gifts from God. Like, whenever I see a rainbow, I'm like, you've got her, like you've got us, like thank you, God. Um but the thing that got like that was the the closest person to me that I've ever experienced, like a death, like so close. And I didn't know the grief that would follow that was so deep, like it impacted so much. And my eczema flared up when I was looking after grandma, and then after she died, it got like next level. Like, I've never experienced this in my life. I had blisters all over my body on the eczema, it was itchy without end. Like I would scratch till I bleed in my sleep, and I'd wake up with blood, like it was raw. Um, and it was just like the the funny thing was it wasn't on my face, where normally it would be on my face, but it was like everywhere that clothes cover, and my hair was really long and it like covered it. And I was just like living in this constant state of irritation and scratching, and like I'd be talking to you and I'd be like this, like I like there was no end to this, and I was crying, I was grieving, and um just like God, like I know you've got her, I know she had peace, and that you can't fake that, like towards your death, you can't fake that kind of peace. But like, I just miss her so much, I'm just so angry. Like, and I'm like, I'm not angry at you, God, I'm just angry at like death, and I'm angry at cancer, and I'm angry at like and he's like, I'm angry at that too. Like, I didn't make that. Um, and that brought me peace and comfort in that, like, God's angry about that too, like be angry about it, like um, but yeah, like I came across this book um in that time, and the author just talks about how God can handle everything, like, don't hold anything back, just tell them everything, and so I made that a practice in my life of like, okay, I'm gonna tell them everything. And I've got notes in
Marriage, Hawaii, And Chronic Health Battles
SPEAKER_00my phone, like from midnight, 3 a.m., like all sorts of hectic times. And it's just like, God, I don't understand this suffering. I am bleeding, I have boils on my body, like I can't wear underwear because it's like all everywhere. Like, I'm not the mother I want to be, I'm not the wife I want to be, and I'm just constantly irritated and on edge, and I'm just suffering, like this is not life. And I don't know, like, did you want me to be born? Like, I just don't know. Like, and then I ended up reaching out on the Facebook group, the Love Reality Facebook group, because I guess I felt safe too. And I was like, guys, I just really need prayer, like, and I just sort of gave a really brief cap of like what happened, and I'm like, I'm just suffering, like, and I don't know if I can hang on much longer, but like I'm not gonna like do anything dumb, but I'm like, I just I'm struggling. And um, like a few people like reached out, like saying that like they pray and stuff, and then one person, um, Becca, uh, she reached out, and she's praise God for her. Like, she reached out to me, chatted to me, like on the phone, we worked out a time, and she just was like blowing my mind with all this like mind-body connection stuff. I'm like, no way, really. Like, and it was kind of like the counseling that I was in and like love reality and and Becca, like, and just lots of different ways. Like, God was just like giving me what I needed at that time to help me through. And I was still scratching, still in a lot of pain, but it was like, okay, like this is good, like just learning things that Becca was sharing with me and like joining um her like Bible study slash like yeah, encouraging group that we were doing and like praying together was awesome. And Tanya was in there, you know, Floyd's wife. Oh, bless her. I love her. I love her. She's best. Like they were so like they were there at a time. I just really needed just people around me like to pray. And we have we had like a very like a handful of really close people to us, like in person, but also I guess like far away that we called on, like to pray. Because I'm like, I just I can't do this. And um one mentioned to me like getting anointed, and I was like, I don't know, that's when people die, isn't it? And like I thought that's for dying people, because I guess like Catholic background, Kelly thinking. And um, like, no, like people get anointed for like mental health, for breastfeeding, for like all sorts of stuff. Like, you just want God to take over the situation, like you want his hand, like I was like, oh, why I do. And um, so yeah, after a lot of prayer and stuff, because I was like, well, what if he doesn't heal me? Like, what if he doesn't? Um, but I had come to peace with it, like by the time I got I got anointed some like at the church we were going to at the time, even though it was a really hard thing for me because church members didn't really understand what I was going through, and I didn't really want to explain to everyone because I don't want everyone telling me what herb to take and what diet to do, because I'm like, I already tried it all, bro. Like, I cut out all sorts of foods, and I was even as scared of what food I could eat. Um, and yeah, fear does not help, but yeah, the pastor um he was there and then like a few elders, and then my husband, and I was like, Look, I know you've kind of been called on because I have this like health problem that's going on, but I don't want to pray for it. I don't want you to pray for my physical problem. And you're like, What? Um and I was like, I actually just want you to pray for my mind because I want to believe even when my circumstances don't speak it, even when my circumstances don't make sense, I want to believe everything God's word says. I want to believe He is good because I know it with my head, but my heart doesn't believe it, and I want to believe it. Um and yeah, and then I kind of like went into stuff with them about like performance-based mindset and stuff. Like, I want to be healed from that. Like I really just want to believe that God loves me as me, and this is not punishment from him. And if this is my life for like so be it from now on, if I have to suffer with this, that somehow like I will be able to glorify him in this falling apart body and just just know that he loves me and that's it, like that's all I want. And they're like, Okay, we pray for that, but we pray for physical healing too. And I'm like, Okay, but like I just really want my mind to believe him, that's it. Um and so it didn't happen straight away, but my skin eventually started to clear. Um, by like December, it was almost all gone except for like this patch on my eyelid that I kind of still have this tiny patch here and a patch on my hip, um, which was a miracle. I was just like, whoa, like this is insane. But it was, I was slowly grasping more and more truth and being set free bit by bit. And it was together, I really believe, like grasping the truth and actually believing it without a blockage between my head and my heart. Um, that was like the biggest factor. And then January of 2025, we got more bad news um that my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, like a few months later, like confirmed that she had um like breast cancer that's like spread around the body, and it was like, oh man, like this is not good, and like yeah, like that ended up being a really tough year. Um I I've gotta be sensitive to how I say this, um, but like that year we experienced so much, like I don't know what to say other than like attack um on every front. Um, like I experienced like let alone what our family was experiencing outside of us, like the things we were praying for for them for healing and everything. Us as a family, like I experienced a lot of like slander against me and stuff. Um and my husband was like, he was struggling because like his mom is like we don't know, like, is she gonna be miraculously healed or is she is she gonna like not me? We don't know. Um, we still don't know to this day. We trust God with that, and but like he's dealing with stuff, and then I'm telling letting him know about what's going on, and like the Holy Spirit was telling me about like warning me, and I'm like, no way, no way. And then like I find out all this stuff that's been like believed and spoken about me, and it normally it would have really taken me out. Like I did cry, like it did hurt, but um, like God just became everything because I took on that practice of tell him everything, like I didn't go telling my mates or anyone, like I told my husband, just so like he knew, but I told God, and I'm like, father, like you know my heart, like this really hurts um to be misunderstood so much and like to be spoken of in this way, and that no matter what I do, like it's perceived in this way, like there's nothing I can do, but I have peace with you, and I'm just gonna keep telling you about it, and like he just kept giving me peace and letting me know I was accepted, and he kept taking me to this verse in Samuel, you know, where um the prophet Samuel goes to like pick one of the boys, like that's the anointed, and um he's like, Oh, it must be this one, and God's like, No, not that one. Like, man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks upon the heart. And every time I'd like have just like my quiet time, like secret place time, he'd take me to that verse at the end of my time. And I'm like, I don't know why you keep taking me to this verse, and but it was like through so much hurt and all of this, he was healing me from fear of men, like fear of people's opinion, because it was like it didn't matter what I did, they weren't happy with me. And but my father was okay, like I was accepted with my father, I was safe with him and had peace with him. Um, and that was like what that was about. And then I guess it was kind of like the devil didn't like it because he couldn't get me down, so then instead of like attacking me, then my little boy got hurt. Um and we found out that he was hurt, um, yeah, in a way that just breaks a parent's heart. Um yeah, and um like we we had to involve child safety and police and stuff, and um like this involves other people's stories, so I'm just trying to be sensitive with how I say it. Um
Traumatic Birth And Postpartum Darkness
SPEAKER_00but yeah, it's just like all the things I feared as a young person growing up happened and it didn't take me out because God was there, because he never abandoned us once, he never abandoned my son once, and like he was there in those rooms where you know voices spoke against me, where my son was hurt, he was there, we were never alone, and it's like I take comfort in that what the enemy used to try and destroy us, God's gonna flip it around for good. And I keep clinging on to this promise of like he's gonna restore better than recovery, it's gonna be better than just recovering because when he's the one who writes a story, he gets a say, and it's not the end yet. Um, like we're still like in this stuff right now, like he's still in therapy. Um, but I'm like, God led us to this amazing woman who's like a child therapist, specializes in his age, is a Christian, and so she's a praying woman, and she's like, I'm just like, thank you, Jesus, for leading us to her. Um and like even in my marriage, like I thought that was always like good. Um, and actually in another way, it was like idolatry of my husband because I was like, he's so amazing, like all of this stuff, like to people, like I still pinch myself. And then like something happened at the beginning of this year um that like kind of shattered me and shattered that, but it was good because like the thing is like God's working on David's heart too, and I just remember the funny thing is the Holy Spirit has said this before it's like it's not personal, and you're gonna be okay. And I got David, I've got you. Your marriage is gonna be better, like it's I'm like, okay. Um like that's his story that he's going through right now. So I won't like comment on it, but I just gotta say, like, when things went down, the funny thing, the way God works with me is like he answers something that I've been praying his will for, and it's like, yes, and then like something terrible happens, and I'm like, oh, like I'm gutted, I'm angry, I'm hurt. But I'm like, but you answered that. So I know we're gonna be okay. Like, so I have my moment of like falling apart. I'm like, but we're gonna be okay because you are good, because you are faithful, you don't change. Um, and so yeah, like right now, I can tell you, like, I don't have eczema on my body, except for this tiny little patch here. So I'm like, that is God, like healing me from the inside out, like healing that performance-based mindset. The lies still sometimes try to creep in, especially in terms of vulnerability. Like moving house is a pretty stressful thing. Um, changing jobs or doing things like that are stressful things. And so, like the Holy Spirit literally told me last week, just be careful of falling back into people pleasing. Cause um, I guess it was sort of like playing on my mind with be feeling vulnerable and going through stuff like you can go back to things, but it was like, oh, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that is not me, that is not where I live from. That is not true. Like the truth is I'm loved and accepted. Like, there is nothing I can do to earn God's love. There is nothing that I can do to make him love me less. And he's not disappointed in me. He loves me, and he's just like, this is who you really are, and this is who I am, and this is how we go from here. Um, and migraines are like very far and few between, which is a miracle to me because I always wondered, I'm like, what's it like to not have migraines? What would it be like to not want to like hit your head with a hammer because it just hurts so much? Like, what would that be like? And it's like, I'm living that now. Um it's just like, thank you, Jesus. Like, and the a big factor in like the migraines, this might sound a bit whack, but um it was tied to guilt, false guilt. So I grew up with a lot of like guilt and shame and things. And when I feel guilty about something, it was like my body's way of punishing myself because I believed I needed to be punished.
SPEAKER_01Mercy.
SPEAKER_00And I'm like, if you need like an example of the body-mind connection, look no further. Um, because it's like for real. Um 100%. And anytime anytime I have felt like that false guilt creepy, I feel it here. And I'm like, no, we rebuke that. Like, God, I know that's not true. Like, help me to let go of that right now because I realize it's there. And like, he's so faithful, like he's just so good. And it's like those little stumbles and steps. Like, I remember talking in um the unapologetically Royal Bible study back in the day. Izzy, she shared this really cool analogy. She was like, um, so when like a little baby becomes a toddler and they start to learn to walk, like they might like stand up and fall down. You don't go, oh, you're good for nothing, just because like they couldn't walk yet. Or like they take a few steps and fall, and you go, Oh, you're so useless. What's wrong with you? You should get this already. But it's like a baby always had the legs, but it's a journey to learn to walk with those legs that you already had. You always had those legs. Um, God doesn't like beat you over the head just because you didn't understand how to walk with them yet. He's like, he delights in you taking that stand. He does even if you fall back on your bottom, he delights in you taking that step. Like at every point, he delights in you. And this is something else, like in one of my early counseling sessions with like these beautiful like biblical counselors, they were like, When you plant the seed in the ground, do you expect the fruit the next day? And I'm like, no. But that's kind of how you treat yourself or how you think of others. It's like, but God, like when you plant the seed, it's like it needs to be watered, there needs to be sunshine, and then slowly it will grow and it's perfect at that point. That's exactly where it needs to be at. And then you know, in time, like it'll have another leaf. And like in time, it will bear fruit, but it's not the time yet. Like, be patient. Like, God is patient with you, He's not rushing you. Where you're at right now is where He has you. Don't like, don't punish yourself for being perfectly where you need to be. It's okay, like He's got you here right now, you know what you need to know right now, and He's gonna reveal what you need for the next step. Like, and He's with you in each step, and He's delighting over you in each step.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, let's go back to this woman who's had this baby and is losing her mind, is really angry and doesn't know what's going on with her body. If you could go put your arm around her and encourage her, what would you say to her at that moment with you know the first few weeks of that?
SPEAKER_00Well, I'll give her a big hug and tell her she is sane. Because I I do remember the mindset was like everyone only cares about the baby, no one cares about you. Like you had the baby, and that's it, but it's like no. You matter too. You're still someone's child. The father loves you, he holds you, and it's gonna be okay. Like, it might sound easy to say it's gonna be okay, but like give yourself grace, give yourself time. Um, because he gives you time and he has time for you. And if I could be there, I'd also probably like cook some food for her and like help her clean the house and stuff so she can actually rest instead of taking the baby off her, because I'd be like, hold your baby.
SPEAKER_01People wanna come help with the baby, they're like, Can I hold the baby? Like, I don't need your help holding the baby. I need something to eat, bro.
SPEAKER_00I'd be like, you just rest on that couch, put your feet up, hold your baby because you've not actually been spending time with your baby. Like, hold your baby, and I'll take care of it. Like, I'll cook you food, I'll clean up. You just rest because you haven't been doing much of that. You need to rest. Rest in God's love and act. Actually, rest.
SPEAKER_01Hannah, thank you so much for sharing your story. This is a beautiful testimony, and just I think God has answered your prayer. You're believing this thing.
SPEAKER_00And uh it's the biggest miracle, Richard. Like, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I'm like, dude, I got my miracle. I believe. Like my head and my heart are in agreement that God does love me despite everything, in the midst of everything. Like, I got my miracle more than the skin, more than the migraines. My heart and head believe.
SPEAKER_01Amen. Thank you so much.