Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#264 Brenda Klein: Identity In Christ, Not In Approval
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We sit down with Brenda Klein as she traces how a life shaped by perfectionism, approval seeking, and quiet shame starts to change when she learns to anchor her identity in Christ. Along the way, she shares answered prayers, hard lessons in marriage and community, and the slow freedom of believing God’s love is steady.
• growing up with faith that can feel like rules and appearances
• learning how comparison and people pleasing shape identity
• putting family and partners on pedestals and the fallout in marriage
• moments of answered prayer that make God feel personal
• perfectionism, body image, and breaking the shame cycle with food
• hearing “God still loves me” and finally letting it land
• seeing prayer answered through church community and practical help
• finding Death to Life, internet church, and a grace based view of the gospel
• practicing emotional awareness to respond instead of react
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Cold Open On Transformation
SPEAKER_00The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can. And that's why we want you to hear these stories: stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is death to life.
SPEAKER_02And my whole identity was wrapped up in that person. And rather than having my identity wrapped up in Christ and in what he thinks of me, I was way more into what you know, my sister, my boyfriend, my husband, what they thought of me. And if they didn't think well of me, then I didn't think well of me either. And um that just um does not end well. Um it leaves me not it feeling it leaves me feeling very less then, and um it just perpetuates that lie from the devil that um you're not enough and you don't matter and and um like you're not worth it, and um why can't you get this right?
SPEAKER_01Yo, welcome to the Death to Life Podcast. My name is Richard Young, and today's guest is someone who I think has heard every single episode of the Death to Life podcast I found out. And uh she wanted to share her story, and I wanted to have her on it. She's been on the Bible studies, and I've just seen her life, her love for the Lord, and her love for the gospel. And it is Brenda Klein. So uh she's just a a Midwestern lady trying to make sense of all of the goodness she hears in the word. You're gonna hear her story, so pay attention, listen here, buckle up and strap in. This is Brenda. Love y'all, appreciate y'all. All right, there's the intro, Brenda. What do you think?
SPEAKER_02That's I I feel like I'm ready to listen now.
SPEAKER_01No, no, not so fast, my friend. Yeah. So when I asked you, I think I asked you, what, yesterday?
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01And but you had been, at what point as you've been listening to these episodes, were you like, where am I gonna start my story? How far into like episode 100, episode 200? Where were you like formulating it in your own mind?
SPEAKER_02Um, uh it's hard to say. I've just in in listening to people talking about their stories. Um I had come up with with uh, well, it actually started with my mother, or I could start, you know, here lots of different places that I could go. But like also, um I don't think I've really got a compelling testimony sometimes, you know, when I think about it, because like, you know, that's for people that have gone off the deep end and and they've become, you know, alcoholics or into drugs, and they they reach their rock bottom and and then they find the Lord and you know they're they're um have this brand new life. And like for me, um I once contributed a key to like a dorm store heist. And that's a lot as I got, you know. Um I got put on social once for um tickle torture at a um flag football game that we were watching.
SPEAKER_01And oh yeah, I know I need to hear about the dorm. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I need to hear about the dormist, I need to hear about the tickle torture. But don't you don't you think like you've heard these stories? There are some stories of people who were just going along and they were trying really hard. And it seemed from the outside everything was going good, but something like they were unsettled in their heart. Yeah, and so the stories about their heart, and you're like, you know, they they didn't rob 10 banks or steal cars or were doing drugs. And certainly we've had the stories on here, you know, the wild ones, but I think all of it, like God has no grandchildren, he just has children, right? Like, like if you receive this, all of heaven rejoices. And so I think each one of them is a big deal. I think you do too. And I think you have something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. And there are things that I identify with on pretty much every episode that you've ever run on this podcast. That the there's just that that human element, um, when people get get down and get real and get into like the heart, um, you know, the deep down the heart of things, um, there's a lot in common um with lots of people and and the lies that the devil has us snookered into believing, man, it's really something. But but then the truth that can come in um is something even better.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, absolutely.
Growing Up Adventist In North Dakota
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So where you're from South Dakota, is that where your story starts in the Great Plains? Oh, excuse me.
SPEAKER_03North Dakota.
SPEAKER_01That's like saying I'm from Kansas and I'm from Missouri. Okay, I'm sorry. You're from North Dakota.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, North Dakota.
SPEAKER_01Is that where the story starts? Is that where you were born?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yep. I was born in North Dakota, and um, I was actually born in a clinic. Um my uh older brother was born in a hospital, and at in that day and age, they wouldn't let the husbands in. And and so, you know, my mom had to give birth without my my dad there, and they were like, enough of that. And so then they went to the clinic, and so then the doctor would like make his rounds with other patients and check in on mom, and and she would give birth and then go home back to the farm that same day. And so um that's how I was born in the clinic.
SPEAKER_01Is uh was your family, did they have a religious background?
SPEAKER_02Yes. Um, and they were both um at least second generation Adventist, might be more, I'm not sure. But um my dad had a different level of of like the different uh way of looking at faith than my mom did. And uh um like my mom came out to North Dakota, she lived in Colorado, and and when she came out to North Dakota, they were like gassing up their car on the Sabbath and like, ooh, you know, horrible, scary things.
SPEAKER_01Straight to jail. Did uh which one of their views seemed more appealing to you growing up?
SPEAKER_02Um well the the more lax ones, of course, made more sense and and made it easier to I don't know, just live and be.
SPEAKER_01Made it when you said made it easier to, I was gonna say you'd like digest, made it easier to take in, right?
SPEAKER_02Like yeah, yeah. And like so it was okay for us to um after church go um type up computer code to make the little Pac-Man games in the 1980s, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um and and that was just a way to to hang out together as a family, and and that was okay.
SPEAKER_01Um I I was listening to a New Yorker article today about Paul and about how Paul changed the world, and about how religion before Paul was all of these rules and regulations and hoops that people had to jump through. And then Paul comes around and his theology is that it's confession, communion, and prayer. Like this is how we take part of the in the body of Christ. And people were they were shocked, they did not like it. And you can read about it in all of these letters, and as I'm thinking about it, it seems like in the last 2,000 years, we still like to add on like what it means to be in the body of Christ, like this is what we gotta do, we gotta do this, this, and this. And it seems like when you're doing it out of a I need to do this to get right, then that is the kind of religion that's so unappealing.
SPEAKER_02Right. Yeah, because it's not not genuine and not um uh that relationship element is not there.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So your mom was more she was more strict about things and like um so they were more lax than some of the pastors that we've had. And um, like the first time that I ever realized that there was maybe some putting up a front going on. Um, the pastor was coming to visit our house, and um my mom was like, quick, come help me get these mellow yellows out of the fridge and go take them down to the basement fridge and don't open that fridge door until that pastor is gone. Because, you know, he they didn't want him to know that they drank caffeinated beverages. So um that was, I think, the the first time that I realized that um that things weren't always just as they seem and and that there's some level of duplicity involved and and um that they had to hide who they were to be accepted. And it's just kind of interesting.
SPEAKER_01That is interesting. Did you this is kind of an aside, but you kind of brought it up, so I'm interested. For most of your life, did you think that it was evil to drink a caffeinated beverage because of that? Um or like not evil, but against God's wishes?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so it started off that way for me, but then um I also realized that when I drink caffeine, I get like really shaky and then laugh hysterically and then crash. And so like caffeine is not for me, but for different reasons than you know, what's presented as kosher and okay in in some faith circles.
SPEAKER_01So I was listening to a podcast today about caffeine and is it a net positive or a net negative? And the guy determined that it's not a net negative unless you're drinking it late enough in the day that it messes with your sleep or that it brings on anxiety. So, like if you're drinking it after, let's say, 10 hours before you're gonna, if you're gonna go to sleep within 10 hours, it's not great. Even if you're able to fall asleep, your sleep is not as good. Or if it's bringing on anxiety. And then he's like, is it a net positive ever? He's like, Well, it's only a net positive if you're never drinking it. If you never drink caffeine, then if you drink it, then you'll feel a boost of energy and you'll and you'll feel alertness. But if he said 90% of human beings, adult human beings, drink a caffeinated beverage every day. He's like, So they're drinking caffeine to get back to normal. So the the benefit that it would have if they didn't drink it is no longer there. It's gone.
SPEAKER_02It's long so it's like, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So he's like, so it's not a net negative and it's not a net positive just based on when you drink. And I was thinking about it because I had never drank coffee. I've never drank coffee in my whole life. And then I tried it the other day, and I tried like only six ounces, and it was half calf, it was half decaf, half regular caffeine. And I think so much of like me growing up was believing that it was not good for me.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, and anytime I would drink it, it was like when I'm on a long trip or something. And then I'm actually looking at it, I'm like, it feels like it's just like anything that if you don't do it correctly, it could be very damaging. But if you use it when you need it, like it could be helpful. Like if you never drink it, but you're on a long trip, then you and so I've just been thinking about it recently. And so when you said that about that, it you know, this comes from this idea of the health message in the 19th century, where many groups, not just Adventists, were thinking that either a brewed drink or a caffeinated drink is evil, and some of it has gone away, and yet some of it people still hold on to in certain religious groups.
SPEAKER_02And actually at our church, we have a Keurig machine and and coffee and you know, caffeinated or uncaffeinated people's choice. So, and at our potluck's um we have real meat. Um, just we've got you know labels so that people can either choose it or not choose it. It's it's one of those things that's not essential to salvation, and so it's all right.
SPEAKER_01That feels like it sounds like your church is pretty welcoming, is it?
SPEAKER_02Yes, yes. We we do have a very um grace-based and and um very welcoming bunch, I feel. Yeah.
Living In A Sibling’s Shadow
SPEAKER_01That's beautiful. So you're growing up, your mom's pretty strict, your dad maybe not as strict. Right. What what did you go ahead?
SPEAKER_02So um I think that you know, I had some lies from the good old devil that that I was being indoctrinated into, and and some of it was um that my voice doesn't matter, and that I don't matter, and that um like I had I'm the third of four kids, and we were all born like within a like a six-year window, the four of us. And um I had an older sister that ended up being in the same grade as me because I learned how to read when my older brother was teaching my older sister, and so my parents are like, oh, well, let's just send her to school too at the same time. And and so um we went to school at the same time, but like I always felt like I was living under her shadow, and and she was more outgoing in her personality, and so people were just naturally drawn to her. Um, and and um, she was the idea girl, and um, as we got older, it we would go shopping, and and she'd like show me different things to try on, and oh, you should get this, and and I'm just like going along with whatever it is that she wanted to do and whatever her ideas were. And um, I kind of think that um this so I idolized her and and then I was jealous of her. Um I wanted to be her, and if I couldn't be her, then I wanted to beat her, like I wanted to be better than her at something. And so, like, I would get 100% on a spelling test, and she'd get a 97%, and I would just gloat because like, ha, I finally got something that I'm better than you at. But like it never really felt like I had arrived. Um, that that beating her never did make me feel any better, but I still, you know, had that. And um as I got older um and started having boyfriends, then I think I transferred that that idolizing from my sister to these boyfriends and and like later on to my my husband, that um I would quit spending time with my own friends and just attach myself real strongly to them and enter into their world and do whatever it is that they're doing and make myself as I don't know, wet noodle as possible so that I would just go along with whatever they were doing and and not have any disagreement or any any conflict with them. So um as you could probably guess, that didn't doesn't go over very well in the long run when when you put somebody up on a pedestal and and you idolize them and um they're humans, eventually they're gonna fall off of that pedestal. And like I knew just what to do to get that person back up on the pedestal, but a lot of times they don't want to get back on a pedestal. That's something that they never even, you know, that was the that was never part of of um their desires in the first place. Um and so um I could be rather critical of and and and so then uh yeah, into my adult life um in in marriage it ended up being that um I would get pretty critical and um because I wanted him back up on that pedestal and he didn't want on that pedestal, and and so then um he would um not be all that nice back and and uh so then I would have uh put up these protective walls and like shrink into myself more and and then he would feel that that distance and ended up looking elsewhere to feel like the need for connection.
SPEAKER_01Um and so your your criticism was based on like you wanted him to be a certain way because you had seen him that way?
SPEAKER_02Yes, and because yeah, yeah, because I I figured that that that's what perfect was, and and w I had this idea of what perfection was and and he had attained it. But but then you know something would happen and and he would you know be human and um I would know exactly what needed to be done for things to get back to being perfect again, but um yeah that's tough that's obviously not the case.
SPEAKER_01That's that's difficult. I think arriving to understanding that yeah, our spouse is our it's our partner.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um and and my whole identity was wrapped up in that person, and rather than having my identity wrapped up in in Christ and and in what he thinks of me, I was way more into what you know, my sister, my boyfriend, my husband, what what they thought of me. And if they didn't think well of me, then I didn't think well of me either. And um that just um does not end well. Um it leaves me not it feeling it leaves me feeling very less than, and um it just perpetuates that lie from the devil that um you're not enough and you don't matter and and um like you're not worth it, and um why can't you get this right? And you know, the that whole perfectionism thing that just yeah, it is I think of marriage as this beautiful gift, and one time somebody said this.
SPEAKER_01To me, and I'd heard it a bunch before, but I didn't really like it. And they said, marriage isn't here to make you happy, it's here to make you holy. And I thought, no, no, that doesn't sound right. And as I see marriage now, I see it as it's just good. And it's at like it's this perfect gift, and we're at the top of the mountain already. And what ends up happening is we start walking down the mountain. We start thinking about it, we like not in the way that it was its purpose. We start making it Lord of our life, or we start making that person Lord of our life, and then that person will not ever match up with the expectations that we might have. And so our happiness, we start, it starts to deteriorate. And rather than, oh, we need to work on our marriage, marriage is good. We start coming down the mountain, and we're we're now living in, you know, like our wickedness, our sinful desires, like everything that was proper to us in our first birth. But marriage was never marriage was always good. It was always a gift. And we came down the mountain and we let our thoughts take over, and we let our preconceived ideas and our expectations come. And then we're at the and then we're at the bottom of the mountain, and we're like, like, oh, this is supposed to make me holy. And maybe the whole point is we should have just never came down the mountain. We should have just seen, you know, marriage, like this is my partner. This is somebody I'm doing life with. They're not making my life, right? They're just a beautiful part of my life, and my happiness and my joy is all found in Christ. That's where the top of the mountain is. And I and I certainly made it contingent on another person in my life.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And it was not good.
Answered Prayer On A Prairie Road
Feeling Like A Disappointment To God
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um, and so that was that. Um, and I I think I'm gonna go back a little ways again, and sure, and I want to talk about some of the times that um that I've experienced God in and and how he started to become more than just a set of rules and regulations, and and that he's somebody that cares intimately about me and my situations and and provides for me. And like um one of the first times that that I ever had like an answered prayer that I know of. Um, I was out on a motorcycle ride when I was a teenager, and like I live out in the country and we have these uh prairie roads and stuff, and um, we had a motorcycle that was short enough that I could ride, and and and that was great. Um, and so I took my our dog Bonnie out um for a ride around and and was on a prairie road that I think it was just rutted up enough in a spot where the wheels got in where they shouldn't have, and and I tipped it over and it quit, and then I couldn't start it again, and so I'm pushing it back home. And um, there's I could see off in the distance there's storm clouds coming, and so like it's probably gonna rain. And also there's lightning in the distance, and I thought, oh dear, this is a like a metal motorcycle. I wonder if if I should just leave this here. If, you know, what if I get struck by lightning because I'm touching this motorcycle and wonder what I should do. And and so, you know, I prayed, and my dog um stepped in front of the motorcycle and just stood there and wouldn't get out of my way so that I could keep pushing. And I thought, well, that's really weird. Um, and I thought, well, that's just a coincidence. And and so, like, I maneuvered around and kept going. And she stepped in front again and just stopped again. And and so I'm like, whoa, this is an answered prayer. I had better heed, you know, what's happening. And and so I parked the motorcycle and I started walking. And um my dad eventually, you know, he he uh gotten his pickup and and went looking for me and and found me and picked me up, and everything was fine. Like um, the motorcycle didn't get struck by lightning, but but I sensed God's presence and God's instruction and and how he he's definitely interested in me and my well-being. And and and so that just got me to be thinking a little bit more about how, oh, God really does love me and he cares about me. And and and I thought that was really cool. And um I think around that time, um we got satellite TV and um we started watching more of football games and and stuff, and and I had a sense that like I didn't want to be watching TV all the time. And so I would take my Bible over into the next room and just start reading, or I'd go outside and climb the big tree behind the house and start reading my Bible and and was realizing that those stories were really meaningful and and uh it made me feel really good to read about how God came through for Abraham and Moses and and you know, for Paul and and the story of Jesus and and all of that. And like I grew up in the church, and so like all of those stories I knew, you know, from from my parents reading the uh the red books or the blue books or whatever they are, and you know, going to Sabbath school. Uncle Arthur. Yeah, yes, yeah, Uncle Arthur was really good. And there was this this nurse from Burma that he had the best stories. Uh um, sweet, sweet, and and little, little, and uh, cannot remember his name right offhand, but yeah, yep, yep. Had had a really good foundation, but hadn't ever really picked it up for myself and read. And and it was really interesting. And um I guess over the years I've read through the Bible a lot of different times, and sometimes it was just like to check off that I've read it. But um uh there was a time when um I learned that there's more than one way to go about um reading, and uh I sat down and would read a little bit of a passage, and and then I'd sit back and I'd think about that passage using all five of my senses. Like I would try and put myself into the story and hear the water lapping against the boat and like smell the the mold, you know, that's that's growing around there and and hear what's going on. And and it would really put me into the story and help it to be more real to me. Um, and and I thought that was one really helpful way of drawing closer to God was to not just use my brain, but to to use all of me. Um, and I thought that that was that was one way that that God um was able to reach parts of me that like um don't often get reached. You know, I'm I'm really big on head knowledge and and learning things, um, but for things to soak in and all the way down to my heart takes a little bit more, and and um that was one one way that God could reach me more, and and music is another way that just really I don't know what it is about music, but like that connects my heart and my brain and and like my whole body into um things things just really really hit me more when there's music attached to it and and um so um but like um when I was in the seventh grade, my mom had a a brain aneurysm and had um she saw an angel before she had gone into surgery, but there was like this six weeks of recovery that she had at the hospital. And we went one weekend to have like, I don't know, I think it was some sort of a trial taking home period where we we got to spend the night at at a Ronald McDonald house with her. And so we took her out of the hospital and drove to this other place where we were gonna stay. And um, she was sitting in the front seat and I was sitting in the back seat, and we opened up our doors, and she went to grab the post to give herself some something to grab onto to stand up. And I closed my door on her fingers.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I still feel really bad about that today. But um, you know, um my dad, of course, was alarmed by all this, this, and and he yelled at me, you know, rightfully so.
SPEAKER_01Um, you didn't know what you were doing, you weren't trying to smash your mom's fingers.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, and I felt so bad. And but that experience, it kind of um mirrored the way that I felt that God felt about me sometimes, that I would be trying as hard as I can to get get something right, and would just screw it up and I would feel like God was very disappointed in me. And um, I don't know, at that time of life, um I was still trying to be better than my sister in one way that that I decided that I could be better than her at something was that I was gonna weigh less than her, which is crazy. Just insane. The the like the the lies that people believe from from Satan that just like why. But um I would chew my food 30 times and set my you know fork down in between every bite. And um, at that time my mom had still been packing us lunches to take to school, and I would throw my lunch away, which is so crazy. Or I would throw everything away except for the the little deppies of the cookies that that were in there. And and then by the time school got out, I would be so hungry. And like I would bake cookies and I would eat like 10 or 12 or 15 of them, you know, eat some dough and eat one out of every every pan that's coming out of the oven. And and then I would feel so full and so bad and so awful because like I had failed to starve myself to death, like, you know. And so then I would get on my bicycle and go on this 15-mile bike ride to try and burn off these calories so that I could still be lighter than my sister. And uh, it I just wow, the things that I did, it was pretty intense and pretty um uh messed up, um disordered. I don't know what you want to call it, but but it just it just was You wanted to be enough. Yeah, yeah, of of not being enough and wanting to be, you know, to matter. And and I thought that that's what I had to do in order to be loved and accepted and and it's insane. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um you know sometimes people get so frustrated with themselves because they have this line, they're like, Oh, I should have known better. And I say, What how is that helpful to you to say that to yourself, to say I should have known better. If you would have, you you if you could have, you would have. Like you were operating with what you thought was the best. Like when you were throwing your lunch away and you were doing all of these things, you didn't look at two options and say, This one is better and this one's worse. I'll take the one that's worse. No, you thought you were doing what was right for yourself, right? And then later you realize, oh, that was bad thinking, or oh, I didn't didn't understand. Yeah, but for us to get so frustrated with ourselves, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02The devil gets you when you're in that, and then he gets you like, oh, he gets you coming and going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01But we can look at that and we could just like as I consider you during that time, you were doing your best. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_02And yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you just didn't know. You didn't know. So then um, yeah, keep going.
The Dorm Store Key And A Father’s Grace
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yep. So um I had a like a long-term boyfriend when I was a junior at the academy.
SPEAKER_01And and is this when you did the heist on the dorm store? You dropped through the ceiling.
SPEAKER_02That was the sophomore junior year that somewhere in there.
SPEAKER_01Like um Oceans 11 style.
SPEAKER_02I had room 103, and at the end of the school year, for some reason they didn't collect my key for 103. And the next year there were less students, and so they used room 101 as the dorm store. And at Dakota Adventist Academy, it's a room and then a bathroom and then another room. And so there was a bathroom in between 101 and 103, and I had the key to 103, and I don't know how in the world the girls had decided it would be a great idea to rob the dorm store.
SPEAKER_01And I know why there's candy in there, there's little Debbie's in there.
SPEAKER_02Like ramen and and peanut butter. There's ramen. Why in the world? Yeah, yeah. And so somehow it it came up that I had the key. And so then one day when the dorm store was open for business, someone unlocked the like the bathroom between the two. And so then, you know, I gave them the key. I didn't do the stealing.
SPEAKER_01I just innocent until proven guilty.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and it did not take very long at all for that theft to be discovered. And like, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Did they ever find out who that you did it?
SPEAKER_02Yes, yeah. It they the uh the grilling at the um academy was pretty good. Um, they had a pretty good method of of getting to the bottom of who did what and and when and where and all that.
SPEAKER_01Good cop, bad cop. They had you in separate rooms.
Learning To Speak Truth In The Mirror
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. You couldn't collaborate uh or corroborate your stories. So um we ended up having to stand up in front of, I think it was only the girls' um chapel, like all the girls, and apologize for what we had done. And there might have been like where we were banned from evening rec for a week or something. I can't remember exactly, because that was a long time ago. But but yeah. Um I think my dad said something after that that really stuck with me. He said, I don't expect you to be perfect all the time. And like even now, hearing that, I almost get all weepy just just in the retelling of that, because he had a right idea of what relationship was. And God is so much like that that he still loves me as his child, no matter if I do dumb stuff like like providing a key to to steal the dorm store, you know. I do things in even now that are not the wisest of decisions, but but I'm I'm slowly learning that that God still loves me, and that the things that I do haven't, they don't have a bearing in how much God loves me, and and he doesn't think that I'm a disappointment. And like that's you know, some of the stuff that I've been working through in the last you know few months even um is it is been I've been I don't know if it's Psalms 148, maybe, where it says that you know, I'm beautifully and wonderfully made and how marvelous are your works. I I decided I was gonna stand in front of a mirror and tell myself that. And I did that for a couple of weeks. And the first time or two, I couldn't look myself in the eye and say those things because it was just so hard to speak that truth. But but it's written in the Bible, and what's written in the Bible is true because these are divinely inspired words that are here, and and he's speaking that about me and that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. And uh it just it it's just uh incredible. And and you know, some of the things that um I'm still working on um my I guess relationship with food. Um it's been uh something that I have been using as an emotional crutch or as a as a whipping post or you know, as a there's so many reasons to eat or not eat or to to go on fat diets. And I've I've uh I've been w working on just seeing food as food and and it's not good, it's not bad. Yeah, yeah. And and it's just so amazing. Um I've been God's been leading to me, me me to all kinds of different verses that talk about how if I have enough food to eat and enough clothes to wear, I can be content. Like that's in James somewhere. And um, you know, the consider the lilies of the valley, they're not worried about what they eat and about the the clothes that they wear. And yet God, you know, cares so much about them. And how much more does he care about me? You know, it just is it's just so amazing all the the things that are in scripture that are connecting me in this intimate relationship with with God and and helping me to to see myself as God sees me and and to live in that and to walk in that. And and um that's been a part of my work, and I think that's gonna be part of my ongoing work like forever, probably. But that's okay, because like whether or not I get it, God's got me and and he loves me. And um, we're in this together, him and me, and and and that's all right.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
When God Answers Through People
SPEAKER_02Um and it it's taken me a long time to to realize how much God really does love me. And you know, I I I've I've seen instances of it throughout the years. There've been like, you know, after that breakup with the long-term boyfriend, um I was so sad and and would spend time isolating in my room and and I would cry, and then I'd be like, oh dear God, I don't want to be sad. And like within 30 seconds of that prayer, somebody would knock on my door and um they would come to me with their problems and talk and like, I don't want to hear about your problems. You know, internally I'd be thinking about that. But but listening to other people and the problems that they're having, it got me outside of myself and outside of that, you know, the all consuming woe is me. And God sent these people to me. I I know without a doubt. that he did and and it was a way to get me out of my um navel gazing and and be more um outward focused and and that was a a real aha moment um when i realized that it's no coincidence that that these people are knocking on these doors right after i pray like wow what is this um so um there was a time in my adult life when like we we made a lot of really foolish mistakes when it came to finances and and um we were pretty deep in debt and um we had three kids they were like six and four and i don't know four months old or something and we had one vehicle and he needed it to go out um he's a like a self-employed carpenter and so i was in town and didn't have another vehicle and it was okay because like we could walk three blocks to my father-in-law's hardware store and then we would block walk another block or two to the school and we could drop off my older daughter at kindergarten but then um my son was old enough that he could start going to this they have this six-week preschool program but the preschool program was at the vocational center and the vocational center was a whole mile away from the school and so um I was gonna have to drop off my daughter at kindergarten and somehow get that mile to the preschool in like a half an hour time and then go pick him up a couple hours later and I didn't know how in the world I was going to make that happen. And so I prayed this I call it a Santa Claus prayer um because it was a a want um I had figured out that I could do it but like another vehicle would sure be nice. You know it was something that that I I had written down somewhere and then I'm like oh but that's really selfish and and I just you know closed that and and went on with things and and figured out that um my son could ride his bicycle that had the training wheels and my bicycle had a like an infant seat on there and we could make it it work like that as long as everybody did what they were supposed to do and it didn't snow and like because this is still North Dakota right the class was like the middle of January until the middle of March. And so there's gonna be some snow. Yeah yeah and so it it was going to be a challenge but it was doable. Well it got to be um like maybe a month before the preschool session started and my brother's wife called and said um do you know do you need a vehicle by chance um there's this guy in my church that passed away and he didn't have any heirs and his sister would just like to get rid of this vehicle and and if you you want a vehicle they're just gonna give it to you and I'm like what what is this and and and it turned out that you know I was able to get this vehicle a couple of weeks before preschool started and all I had to do was pay like the title transfer fee and that was it and and I was able to get my son to to preschool and my daughter to kindergarten and and was able to do all that without having to be out in the elements and and I just really felt God's love in that moment. Like he cares about me and and he answers prayers even the ones that are like the selfish Santa Claus ones like it's not a a need but it it was a want and and God cares about the wants too and and it's just amazing God's love and and how how he he works and that's a beautiful story. Yeah and like sometimes the prayers that that you pray get answered like that and sometimes the prayers don't and and I had a prayer like that um I don't know maybe five or ten years after that um I had gone um we ordered some hardwood from uh Renoberg hardwoods in the middle of Minnesota and we made arrangements to meet them on an off-ramp to the interstate halfway between where we were living and and this place in Minnesota and so I got to the place first and got out of the pickup and um came around the corner to open the tailgate and the wind took my glasses off of my face and they they just like disappeared um and I went across the street or you know across the the road and started looking for them and I couldn't find my glasses and I prayed that I could find the glasses and the Renneberg truck came and got all my lumber and I kept looking and I called my brother um he lived I don't know maybe 15 or 20 miles away from this particular on-ramp and um I had to get back uh and so I left without the glasses and my brother came and he he looked for the glasses and we didn't find the glasses and and I just thought oh man I guess God doesn't love me as much as I thought he did because you know didn't find the glasses and and I went to church that week and um my my church friend that that um she she was about my mom's age and had like adopted us and we got to sit in her row and and she treated it just us just like her own kids and and she asked where my glasses were and I told her the story and I said it's just kind of a bummer because I was at the eye doctor like maybe a month ago and these were brand new glasses and and that was our deductible or you know the um our health insurance at that time it paid for glasses every 12 months or two years or however often it was and so I was going to have to wait a whole nother year before I could go back in and get them that were covered under insurance and couldn't afford new ones but I was like but my glass my eyesight's not all that bad um it's gonna be okay um I can just use my own prescription and and you know it's gonna be all right and um she took that information to the church board and the church paid for new glasses for me and and like I in in looking back on this um I think that God chose to answer my prayer with a no I'm not gonna help you find these glasses I'm gonna show you your need for community and that that the people that are here are my hands and feet and and that the community loves you and and you know how important it is to be in a body of believers. It's just is it's just amazing how much love there was in in that church family and like they came through and and did things that that were just so kind and so loving and so helpful and they didn't say you know like it's been a year now why aren't you out of debt and why aren't you on your feet you know by now they just kept coming through for us and and it was just so so heartwarming and and and I think that the the uh saying no to me finding my glasses it was it was a way that I was able to to get better plugged into the community that wanted to be there for me and and it was a way that they could show God's love in a very real way.
SPEAKER_01Man that's those are two amazing stories.
SPEAKER_02It is yes and and you know it I it's been it's been a lifetime full of just really interesting things and and like the longer I live the more that I see God's working in my life and and like um when COVID started I started um my farm girl faith um Facebook page that was a way of of doing my Sabbath school superintendent remarks online um and and that's just been just a way of of sharing my faith with others and and um it's been a way where where God shows me in just like the common everyday things I think of a passage of scursor or I'm thinking about how God loves me or how how God is moving and and and it's amazing to me how how he orchestrates things so that so that his word and his love and his message can go out in places where you know you just wouldn't imagine and and and it's it's just amazing to me.
SPEAKER_01So tell me how did you come across our stuff so um that was Alexis's fault. Alexis. Yeah Alexa's she needs to get on she needs to get on the podcast I've been I've been talking to her but one of these days.
SPEAKER_02So she and I both work for the county just in different buildings and different different do you guys go to the same church? No actually not um what what town do you live in I live near Sykeston which is in the middle of nowhere and um my home church is the New Home Adventist church and that's like in she lives near you but she goes to a different church. Right. Yeah she lives like maybe 45 miles away from me and and she's got a church that's like a mile or two from her place but she can't attend that one because of allergies.
SPEAKER_01She goes they got cats in the church or something?
SPEAKER_02No like mold like she starts into the church she breaks out into hives or I I'm not exactly sure exactly what but yeah yeah it's it's yeah and so so she goes to a church that's maybe 20 miles away from her um but it's like an hour on the other side of you know okay now that makes that makes sense yeah but you work together uh no like we have the same state retirement oh you work in the same building no she lives she works like a a couple of blocks away from me but okay we were standing on on Main Street there was a homecoming parade and we were watching all the students you know oh go by and she started talking about love reality and and and about a podcast that she'd been listening to and and so I she just like randomly was like hey have you heard of love reality have you heard of the Death Live podcast yeah I I don't remember what we were talking about but it it came up and and so then I started listening and then I started talking about some of this to um some of the members of my church and and wait did you start at the beginning of the episodes or did you just jump in wherever how did you go to the podcast? So um I did listen to like the a couple of them and then I I searched by that person's name to be cut and discovered that there was more later on and so I listened to the more later on and then I'm like well you know that's really interesting. I you know tell me more and so then I went back into the beginning and and started going all the way through what was catching your attention as you were listening to these episodes um so I was hearing stories of people's heartache and hardships that I could really identify with and and about how God was able to turn their life situations around in realizing the freedom that they had um like the that's been there and always been there but but um like they were able to break free from addictions that they had or um faulty ways of thinking you know the the the and like not every story ends up with a um fairy princess ending which um I find really helpful because like not every story does end the way you know fairy tales end and and yet God is still with them and if they don't get a fairy tale ending and God is still with them like God can be with me too um and things can be okay in my heart no matter how things are in my in my outside world and um you know it's you started talking to people at your church about it um I I did yeah I talked to one of the um one of the ladies at church and and she was like are you talking about love reality because I've been in uh I've been listening to Dan Muller I think is the one that she's been listening to and and she said I've read through Romans so many times and I couldn't get it and I couldn't get it and I couldn't get it and then I decided to move on and then all of a sudden I got it and like whoa that's really interesting and yeah how how God moves and and then I went to internet church and um was it scary to go to internet church? Um like going to a new Sabbath school it was in the beginning um which as as you saw I fell asleep in that very first internet church that I went to because uh I don't know it was it was a part of just after a really really really long busy day sure and um was tired. So I fell asleep and I didn't sessions and yeah I I missed out on the breakout sessions and when I woke up it was during the after party and like I wonder if I'm supposed to be participating in this or what's I think I'm just gonna leave and I was just like rambling on about something you're like what's yeah yeah yeah thing yeah people were were talking and and I thought well okay I went once and and and then I decided well I know this is good for me and so in order for me to not fall asleep again I got to leave my camera on because I I just know that when I don't have my camera on then I'm like oh I can be looking at my phone or I can be you know doing all kinds of things and not really paying attention and the messages don't soak in. But if I got my camera on, then I'm forced to be a more active participant. And when I'm a more active participant then the message goes from up here or kind of up here and kind of looking at other things and being bored to to it really soaking in. And and I think that um a lot of the messages have been soaking in. But like truth be told I did fall asleep at one of the most recent things that was just this past week.
SPEAKER_01So I'm not you know what I think that is I think that's good. It makes me feel like you're comfortable with us. Because I know what we're saying isn't boring. Sometimes maybe you've heard it before but to be able to just be there and to be comfortable enough to I I you know what that is all right.
Emotional Regulation And Food Freedom
SPEAKER_02That's all yeah yeah yeah yeah and and I think like some of the things that I've been hearing that have been the most helpful for me are that like I don't have to clean up my act in order for God to bend his ear towards me like um and that that Christ's death and resurrection and and dying for my sins um did not require or did yeah my involvement wasn't wasn't requested wasn't needed it had nothing to do with me but also everything to do with me like you know it none of this is my responsibility what he has done he's he's done for me um and and and then that whole story about the the person that found a jewel in a field and sold everything that he had to buy the field so that he could have the field and the jewel too and how how stoked he was about having this jewel and that and and that I am that jewel that the and that Christ is the the one that bought the field and and just thinking of my relationship with God from that perspective has been really a big game changer for me. And I have you guys to thank for that uh all of my times reading like I've read through the Bible a lot of times and somehow I've missed all that and some somehow I've just been hyper focused on the things that are taken out of context and do you feel safe so now what's that you feel safe now yeah safe and protected and and preserved made whole kept safe and sound yeah yeah exactly yeah that's what it means to the to have eternal life isn't to be protected preserved made whole kept safe and sound and and that you know if if he cares about a sparrow that's just some little tiny bird out there and knows when a sparrow has fallen like how much more does he care about me and and I really do feel loved and cared for and and and also closer to him that that a lot of the the lies that have kept my mind from believing that that I have that intimacy always um are gone. And like I don't have things perfect. I'm still like chug and chocolate chips sometimes. But but I I'm doing it now and not feeling like I have to go on some crazy crash diet and stop eating food for three days and go on binges of having to eat a whole bunch more after that because I've just starved myself that stuff.
SPEAKER_01I I figured that that was for me that was tough. I had emotional Eating, and when I started looking at food as fuel, yeah, and that it wasn't bad, it wasn't good. Like a donut has no morality to it, it's just flour and sugar and all of these things. Um and what the truth about it is, is because it's got flour and sugar and all this stuff, then it's quite a bit of calories. There's quite a bit of carbs or those calories. So if you eat not even that too many of them, you know, because of the carbs, turns the sugar, like you might you can't eat a lot of other food if you want to maintain your weight. That's just what it is. It's just math.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_01But it's not evil, it's not immoral. If you want to eat all of the broccoli, you know, broccoli's good and it's leafy and cream, it's there's a bunch of nutrients in it, and you have to eat a lot more broccoli to if you don't want to maintain your weight, if you want your weight to go up, than you would donuts. That's it. Right. You have to eat a lot more, and then it's healthier for you know, I mean, it helps with digestive. So when you start looking at it like that, you're like, oh, okay, it's not bad. It's just it's dense and rich with this, and this one is dense and rich. And so then you start looking at it like that, and then you can make a little bit of different decisions when you realize, oh, a little Debbie is 300 calories of just carbs and sugar, and carbs are good because you need it for energy, but you don't need that much more. And if you get in a surplus, well, then you're gonna become a little bigger, then you you just start making decisions around that, and you can have a little Debbie every once in a while. Yeah, it's kind of like with the coffee thing. We don't do moderation well when we're emotionally unregulated. When we're emotionally unregulated, we don't do moderation.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And so let the peace of God that surpasses all understanding guard our hearts and minds, and then live with moderation and enjoy sweets every once in a while, and enjoy, you know, you can have a taste of coffee every once in a while, but if you if you need it or to not yell at your kids, now we're now we're having a problem. Right. And see, that's what we can't do if we're not emotionally regulated.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yep, yep. And and some of the things that that I'm you know working on, like I'm I'm the world's wisest person when it comes to what all is in food and what is means, you know, a well-balanced meal, and like I know all the things. Um, but the some of the habits that I've had, you know, I've I've been at it for 50 some odd years, and and so it's it takes some time to interrupt that habit you know um where I have um I'm hungry or angry or lonely or tired and don't have this need to go into the cupboard, you know. Um and and I'm learning, you know, that that a lot of times isolation is one of the precursor things to my chosen sin, you know, that's the reach out to other people, um that that desire to to fill my mouth with things that aren't all that good for me, it goes away. Um, and so, you know, I've I've been working towards forcing myself into more social situations. I've joined a you know, a monthly inspiration with some people and have been more intentional about reaching out to um some of the friends that I have, and and that's all been helping.
SPEAKER_01Um I think one of the main keys of life is observing when we are feeling something that we don't like. I think so much in the past I was feeling things that I didn't like, but I didn't even stop to observe that was going on. I was just in it. I was just feeling it, and I was just reacting, not responding. And now when I feel something I don't like, I don't try to stuff it away. I feel it, I observe it, and in observing it, I know that I'm not in it. Like you can't like when you're drowning in the ocean, you're not observing it. You're in it, you're dying, you're drowning. But when you're on the pier and you're looking out to the ocean and you see all the waves, you can say, Wow, it's it's really choppy out there. And you can do that even with yourself. You can say, Wow, you know what? I feel angry right now. I feel angry. And when you observe that that feeling is going on, now you don't you can handle it. Can you handle being feeling angry? Yeah, you can handle it. Yeah if you can't handle it, you gotta go to the cupboard.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. And and I've actually heard um one radio psychologist say that if you talk about yourself in the third person, then that engages more of the problem solving, and like you can get yourself out of the the trees and into the forest. Yeah. However, however that that saying goes, but if you say Brenda is angry today, yeah rather than I am angry today, that's a difference. Um, that you can you can look at things from a like a different perspective. If Brenda is angry, then Brenda can do this about it, you know, but like I'm angry today, then it's like, oh, I'm just so mad at yeah, you know, all this and and and can get really stuck into all of my feels.
SPEAKER_01That reminds me of of George from Seinfeld when he gets really upset. He says, George is getting upset. He just fills it out. And I just think about like, yeah, I could say that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So let me ask you, Brenda, if we're gonna go back, let's go back to this sweet girl who was trying to compete and trying to weigh less than her sister, and trying to, if you could take her aside, put your arm around her and speak like to her, what would you say to her?
SPEAKER_02That God sees you, God loves you, God wants to be in your life, and you matter more than you believe.
SPEAKER_01I think that'd be an amazing thing to tell her.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know what? I've loved your stories. I love your heart for God. I love seeing you on the Bible studies because your camera's on and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one there.
SPEAKER_02It's kind of hard to be moderating to just a bunch of little pictures.
SPEAKER_01Oh, my favorite thing is when somebody raises their hand and says something. Yeah. Because like I get tired of hearing me speak, so I'm like, I know they're tired of hearing me speak. So when someone's camera's on, it's such a a blessing. And so you're a blessing in that way. And yeah, you just receiving God's love and ministering to people. Uh, I just want to thank you for sharing your story, sharing all those cool stories about just showing how much God loves us. Um, they've been an encouragement to me, and you're an encouragement in our community. So thank you so much, Brenda.
SPEAKER_02Thank you.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.