#87 Less Friction, Better Results

The hardest part of getting fitter is not always the gym session or the calorie target, it is the moment your normal routine clashes with the people you love. When you start training more, drinking less, or making different food choices, it can create unexpected friction in your relationship, your friend group, and even at work. We sit down and get honest about why that happens and how to handle it without falling into secrecy, guilt, or all-or-nothing thinking.

We talk through the real-world flashpoints that derail fat loss and sustainable lifestyle change: the weekend takeaway that means comfort and connection, the partner who does not understand why you are tracking calories, and the mates who say “you’ve changed” when you skip a big night out. From healthier takeaway swaps to simply telling the truth about what you are working on, we share ways to keep your social life intact while still moving towards better health, fitness, and confidence.

We also dig into vulnerability and compromise. If there is pushback, we explore how to “seek first to understand”, ask better questions, and find trade-offs that feel fair, like set gym days, date nights, and protecting time together. Sometimes one honest chat turns you into the catalyst for positive change in your whole circle, and sometimes it just clears the air so you can move forward with less stress.

If you are trying to lose weight, improve body composition, or build consistent gym habits without starting rows at home, this conversation will help. Subscribe to the Gen Pop Podcast, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review, then tell us: what is the toughest conversation you have had around your goals?

Got questions? simply email or dm us with those questions

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Daniel IG https://www.instagram.com/danieldalycoaching
Website https://www.larrydoylecoaching.ie
Coaching with us https://www.larrydoylecoaching.ie/1-1-premium/
Email : info@larrydoylecoaching.ie

Transcript

Welcome And What We Do

0:00

Hey guys, you're listening to the Gen Pop Podcast with me, your host, Larry Doyle. Each week, I'm gonna bring in friends, guests, and experts to help enhance your health, fitness, and wellness journeys. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the conversations. You are welcome back to another episode of the Gen Pop Podcast, where this week co-host Daniel and I, we're gonna have a discussion around discussions. People, when they're looking to make a change, they're going to potentially come across some friction. They might have to make alterations to their lifestyle, to the things that they're doing on the weekends. They're wanting to feel fitter, healthier, and better in themselves. But maybe their peer groups, their family, their close partners mightn't be as unsigned with that. Or maybe they're looking to open up that actual discussion about them wanting to create change. And we'll see this a lot with clients who come on board and they either don't have the support network or feel they don't have the support from their network or won't have the support from their network. And we often will challenge them to say, well, you know, obviously we're going to be here to support them and guide them through the process, but it might be a worthwhile conversation to actually open up. And we'll see a lot of friction there at times because, you know, your partner mightn't be as on board. They mightn't want to change, or maybe they're in shape already and they're doing various different things

Why Change Creates Social Friction

1:20

with their lifestyle. And you know you need to make some change, but you're trying to get everyone on board and ultimately create less friction that can often create more friction. Daniel, let's jump into this. Yeah, I mean, it is something we see, you know, commonly with other clients, whether it is from their social group, the group of friends they have is constantly go at the weekend that they don't know how to factor it in, or they don't know how to kind of have balance there because their friends are you know big drinkers, they like getting takeaways at the weekend, they don't really go to the gym, or maybe their partner, for example, likes to get takeaways at the weekend, isn't into the gym, and you know, doesn't understand why they're tracking calories or why they're weighing or why they might be like eating slightly different to what they were doing previously. So it like in a way, like the hardest part of fat loss can be the people around you, but that's not saying that we're trying to offset the you know, saying that it's a them problem, it still is your responsibility, but it definitely does increase a lot of the friction in you kind of achieve your goals. And like I said, like there's a million and one ways you could go about doing it looking at this, because I think if you like put on your unqualified psycholog psychologist hat, you could probably fucking try to muster up some sort of an explanation, but like you often would see with like friends' groups that like the if you started going to the gym, you started to go out less, it'd say like, oh, you've changed, you're not yourself, like and all this kind of stuff. And you could kind of say, like, that's more a reflection on DIMs and like oh they'd wish that they could be more like you, and they don't really want to drink, they want to go to the gym too, but they don't know what to do. But at the same time, like if you're let's say, for example, if your partner gets a takeaway every weekend with you, and then all of a sudden you're saying, like, I don't want to get a takeaway with you, that might have been the thing that they look forward to the most at the weekend, and all of a sudden that's kind of being removed from the situation. So they're kind of thinking, like, but that's the thing that was bringing me a lot of joy was like I worked hard Monday to Friday, I used to get a takeaway with you at the weekend, now that's gone. So obviously, he's gonna create a lot of friction. So sometimes when you are chasing a goal, like you have to try and kind of think about other people to a degree as well, because it is a bit of a I don't like using the word selfish because it means that you're just kind of doing something without taking but you know, thinking about everybody else, but it is to a degree kind of selfish because you're prioritizing yourself a bit more, and not that there's anything wrong with that, but you have to also factor in that it is going to impact other people as well. So you have to have that discussion and know how to actually communicate with people because if you just make all these changes and then never really tell people why you're doing it, then they're gonna obviously have some pushback saying, like, was what did what did I do wrong that all of a sudden you don't want to go out with me? So I think learning have these discussions is hugely important when you're looking to achieve whatever goal it is. I think that old you know, saying that, like, okay, happy wife, happy life, and it's obviously just related back to everyone. But if you can keep those closest around to you kind of, you know, in good form and you know, relatively on side with everything. And more often than not, people are a lot more supportive than you think they may be of those goals, of those changes that you're looking to make. And, you know, when we use that analogy of the takeaway, okay, normally you get this, you know, slap up meal on the weekends. You can still do that, but you're just maybe going to have a discussion with the partner to say, I'm gonna make a different choice that you can get that place and I'm gonna go to one that's a healthier option. We're still having a takeaway, we're still doing the thing, but it's just gonna be a little bit of a change. Um, because those closest around to you will notice that if you're starting to create change, even though you might not have had that discussion with them, because they'll see everything you do, right? And they're they're gonna be taking notice. And if anything changes, they'll be like, oh, that's that's different. It's nothing wrong or bad, it's just different, right? And it's when you can actually open up that conversation to say, I'm looking to make some more positive change in my life. You don't necessarily have to be completely on side with it all, or I'm not asking you for your cheerleading non-stop 24-7, but I'm just making you aware of what I'm doing because these are my goals. And, you know, if they're your partner, if they're your close peers, if they're your friend group, they really should be quite supportive. And I guess some people are almost afraid sometimes to find out the truth of how supportive their friends and family are too at times as well, right? Because it can tell them, you know, that maybe they're not the people that they thought they were going to be as well, right? We're going down that rabbit hole with some stuff now. But like these are the conversations I think that can be quite critical because yes, it's a you thing, and yes, it's you responsible for your calories and your actions and your output and your steps and your recovery and the yada yada yada. But those who are closest to you are also going to be more influential than you'll realize on your lifestyle, and you will be more influential on theirs as well, too. So again, it's looking at all this thing of how we can factor it in. And it it is a very worthwhile conversation

How To Start The Conversation

6:05

for people to have, but it can just be a tricky one to start to navigate it. So let's say, for example, Daniel, you've got that client who's having maybe a bit of friction or a bit of concern around it, or haven't really shared with their peer group or friend group or partners. How do you go to start opening up the conversation from you and them, the client to coach part, to open up the conversation from the client to partner part? How do you go about that? I've had a couple of different instances with clients, and like one of the most recent one, one of the most recent ones I had was with a client whose partner just didn't really understand what they were doing. It was kind of like the usual comments, like I think most supporter partners would do to agree of saying, like, you know, you don't need to change, you look good the way you are, blah blah blah. But the client obviously like wants to make a change and wants to improve their body composition and wants to feel better about themselves, but like the takeaway at the weekend or the takeaway during the week or whatever was something that was causing a lot of frictions is like I still want to like reach my goals, but I don't want to like remove these things. So, what they actually done was they done it themselves was they actually became more um proactive with the whole situation because they used to actually message their partner earlier in the day and say, like, can you pick up a cooked chicken in the shop on your way home? So that kind of like straight away said, like, right, you're still part of it, you're bringing home dinner, but I'm the one that kind of put it out there, so you're in a roundabout way, kind of still kind of engaging in the same behavior of like we didn't cook it, we're getting a takeaway, but I can easily kind of fit this and easily kind of make this if it kind of fit the whole situation. Um, and like I think with partners it is the hardest because I think like a lot of you know, relationships are built on kind of like shared behaviors and routines and stuff that like if you start changing all of a sudden, people can take that like personally, but if you can actually sit down and have a discussion saying, like, look, I would like for you to kind of like come on this journey with me or whatever, that like I'm looking to kind of change these things. Like, I'm not saying that you have to change anything, but like I just like you to kind of support these things, and like if there's any stage where you feel that like I've changed, or like I'm all of a sudden like becoming more of a nuisance that I'm kind of taking time away from us or taking time away from the kids, or I'm not being as supportive, let me know. Because I think like as we said, that it is kind of uh you know, your social group, your partners, your friends, everything are all kind of coming on the journey to a degree together. So, like I think you also have to you know be understanding of their feelings and their kind of outlook and everything as well. So I think if you can kind of say, like, you know, look, I want to do this for me, and I think overall it's gonna actually enhance me as your partner, me as your friend, or whatever, because I'm ultimately gonna be happy and I don't want to sacrifice what we have, so like if there's some compromise that we can you know come to, then I think it will be kind of the best of both worlds. Um, and like I think another one that I've seen with clients as well is that their friend groups like just are not supportive at all, and I've seen like people will just you know fall back into old patterns, and like it is completely normal for that to happen because like if you want to go really back into like the whole fucking caveman times, all this kind of stuff, we're all part of like smaller tribes, and it kind of made sense to like keep the tribe happy because like you don't want to like all of a sudden be like the one that's like pushed out, it's like right go away in your own and fucking go across the desert and trying to find a new tribe, yeah. So like it it makes sense to like try and keep hold of that identity, keep hold of those usual behaviors. So that's why you need to have that discussion saying, like, I'm not trying to like single myself out or distance myself, I'm trying to actually make myself better for myself and then also for you guys as well. But I think communication is key at the end of the day, like you can't hide these things, you can't, and like we've we've talked about this before that like clients will you know, if you ask them like who knows about this, as you said before, on the call, that like if you ask a client, like, have you got a lot of support? Um, who have you told about this and say, I haven't told anybody, I don't want people to know. And like that could be very hard as well because you're constantly going to be lying to a degree because you haven't got really you know yourself why you're saying no to a slice of cake at work, but like they don't know why you're saying no to a slice of cake. So that's when it's gonna open up the floor gates of like uh come on, just have a slice of cake, everyone's have your slice of cake. Whereas if you had a discussion of like, look, I'm not gonna have the slice of cake every week, I might have some weeks where I'm gonna say no water, I'm gonna have my own food that I brought with me, and this is the reason why, they're gonna be a lot more understanding. So I think that all starts from just being open

Honesty, Vulnerability And Real Support

10:40

and honest with people and kind of communicating effectively. And I think while our partners see everything we do, and those closest see everything we do, they mightn't be fully aware of how you're feeling, that you mightn't be feeling the best in the morning when you get up, or that you might not like your body image, or that you might not like how you fit in your clothes. And it's actually bringing up that conversation to create some awareness on their side and that you're okay, you're gonna be vulnerable, you're gonna be having a very open and honest discussion, but that ultimately allows more growth as well, too. That now all of a sudden your partner will be like, Well, okay, that's why you've been wearing those clothes more often, or that's why you've actually uh been a bit more closed off and not been as social over the last while. And and now, okay, we want to get you to a place where you feel happier and I'm gonna support you on that journey. But they only know what they know and they can't know everything at times because people can be very good at hiding those, you know, bigger insecurities that they have about themselves. And you know, it does create a lot of vulnerability when you have that conversation and say, listen, we need to okay, first of all, when you say it to your partner, we need to have a chat. First of all, they're gonna lose their fucking mind because they think you're gonna break up with them, but you're looking to actually enhance yourself and bring yourself to the next level, which is only gonna uh be a positive benefit uh across the board for everyone there as well, too. And then there's the other side of it where people might feel a little bit insecure that you're looking to make positive change and they may think, well, geez, if you go getting in shape, now you're gonna start getting attention off Xines Ed and whatever. But when they know that you're doing it for yourself and through them and everyone closest to you, it's it's gonna be beneficial as well too. So it can be a tricky one for sure, but I think it's it's definitely a worthwhile conversation to start having because now it can allow you to open up new elements of your relationship to be able to have deeper discussions. And I know we're getting into some fucking counseling therapy here in our kind of area with all this too, but I think there's a definite um and high-level value uh to be had within that. And then it's going to create a little bit of challenge and there might be a little bit of kickback, and maybe the partner doesn't want to get on board with it just yet because maybe they're not in a position that they want to change, or maybe that they're not in a time of their life where they want to change, or maybe they feel that you're amazing the way you are, or whatever it might be. But you just need to, again, open up the discussion where they can truly understand how you're feeling and that you want to make some positive change, that you're looking to, you know, engage in some challenging behaviors that are positive and uh all this kind of stuff as well too. But then the majority of people, like when we see the majority of people are not in the fitness space. The majority of people are outside of the fitness space, they don't understand why people want to go to the gym. They don't, they have a very vague kind of understanding about what might go on, or there's a bunch of opposers down there, why do you want to be with all them, or whatever it might be. And it's like the majority of people who go to the gym are obviously looking to create positive change, and yes, you're gonna have the opposer in or whatever, so too, but um it's creating an awareness and understanding that you're now part of a community and you want to feel part in something positive or making some healthier uh lifestyle changes, etc. So it's creating an awareness as to why you're doing what you're doing, as opposed to saying, hey, you're just coming with me and I'm gonna drag you along and you don't have to fucking know anything, and I'm not gonna tell you about it. So it's to open the discussion of and create an awareness around what you're wanting to do and what you're doing and everything about it. And people will genuinely get excited for that as well, too, because they'll see your genuine excitement for it and they will come on board with it all as well, too. We see this a lot, and you know, we see people who are afraid to tell their partners or haven't told anyone, people are going to notice when you're making positive change, so you're better off just to have them on board with it because they're kind of gonna think, where have you been sneaking off to all the time? Or like, why are you going to here? Like, where have you been? Like, are you having an affair or what the fuck is going on? Um, and it's like you're just having an open discussion that now more people are on board and there's less friction with the whole thing. Um, and again, even having the wider discussion, like you don't have to go like posting it to fucking your Facebook or your Instagram that you're now taking part in this like fitness lifestyle. Some people go a little bit too over the top and start to, you know, and make these big announcements coming tomorrow at like 12 o'clock and start to really announce their like I'm in a new relationship with the gym. Um, they're the people that tend to kind of crash and burn and making too big a deal about it as well, too. So it's like it's been subtle about it, it's

Isolation, Worst Case Thinking, Being The Catalyst

15:00

just having that open conversation. I think it's gonna be very worthwhile. We keep on coming back to that. Um, what's the trade-off then? Do you feel that you see with people who are afraid to have these conversations and they just kind of keep it to themselves? Do you find they get a lot more isolated? They kind of feel that they're end up leaning on the coach exclusively for a lot more support, or kind of what do you find you see with that there now? Yeah, I think it it just becomes a lot harder for them to do anything because like they're more alienated. If you're yeah, and like you're on this journey, if you want to call it that, yourself, apart from like us as a coach, because like nobody else knows about it, or you're lying about it, or just not being fully honest about it. And you're gonna feel like every decision you're making is selfish, you're gonna feel like every decision you're making is wrong, you're gonna feel like that everything you're doing, you know, is something that's uh that's kind of take away from your life to degree, even though it's supposed to be kind of actually benefiting your life. And the interesting thing about it all is a lot of people have a fear of you know having that discussion with a partner or friend or whatever, because naturally we always kind of like start to think about the worst case scenario. Like if I say to them, like, oh look, I'm looking to go to the gym, I'm looking to make some changes, that there's gonna be kickback. But what about if you think about the other thought about the other side that maybe if you said to your partner, I was think about joining the gym, maybe get a coach, change about or you know, me not getting as many takeaways or kind of um snacking a lot less. What about if your partner said, I might actually do the same thing. I was thinking about the exact same thing myself. I might actually do the same thing. I've been thinking about doing it myself. Yeah, I just didn't want to have the discussion with you. Yeah. And that's the thing, like sometimes like I always thought this idea about like trends and stuff, like for whether it be fashion trends or whatever, that like someone has to start a trend. So, like if you walked through the town looking like a fucking homeless person, some people might laugh at you, but some stage that's actually gonna pick up to be a trend because like you see that with trends all the time. So someone has to start something, someone has to make that first step. So you might be the person exactly, you might be the person in your social group or at work, whatever, that might say, I'm not going getting takeaways anymore for lunchtime, I'm gonna bring my own lunch with me because I want to make some changes. Most of the people there might actually think, you know what, I actually might do the same. Or even if one other person does it, eventually, once they see that two people from that group have started to make changes, they're looking a bit better, they're you know, wearing smaller clothes, whatever it is, other people might actually start getting on board then as well. So you might be the catalyst for change for 10 people. So instead of thinking about like the worst case scenario all the time of like, oh, well, they're gonna fucking think I'm an idiot, or they're gonna say, like, oh, you shouldn't worry about your body image and accept this and that, you don't need to go to the gym. You if you're female, they'll always say, like, oh, you're gonna get bulky, you don't need to do that, and whatever it is. But you actually might be the one that's actually gonna

Compromise, Trade-Offs And Making It Work

17:50

instill a lot of positive change in other people. So one of the best pieces of advice I ever was given, and it's nothing to do with health and fitness, it was more to do with kind of like mindset was like seek first to understand. Um, and when you're explaining stuff to partners, if there is kickback, understand where that is coming from and ask them, like, you know, where is this coming from? Like, why does do you think it is a problem? At least then you understand that, like, if they did say to you that, like, oh, I don't really enjoy the idea of you like you know taking that hour we used to have in the evening, watching TV together or whatever, and now you're going to the gym, then you can understand why that they might feel you know a certain way uh uh against you going to the gym, that you can find some compromises like, look, I will make the you know the change that I won't go to the gym like every single day, I'm only going to be going to the gym three days a week, and instead of us, you know, not be able to sit down to watch movies, you know, three nights of the week, we can watch movies two nights of the week, and if we can go to the cinema at the weekend, or we can have a date night or something. That there is some compromise. And the funny thing is, when like uh to be fully uh open about this, I actually came up with this idea for this podcast through ChatGBT, and I was saying it to my girlfriend before we jumped on the call about the idea and stuff, and I was talking about Mark Manson, his book, and stuff, and saying that like you have to choose your struggle and all this kind of stuff. That like even in relationships there is going to be struggle because you know, you have to do certain things that your partner you know likes doing that you don't necessarily like doing, or they have certain hobbies that you have to kind of take part in them, even though you don't like doing them. She said to me, like, what is it about me that you find there's a struggle to put up with? And I was I was genuinely wise thinking about it, and I was genuinely the wise thinking about it, and not from like, oh, I can't tell her about this. I was like, I don't know what feels like a struggle, and she said, Maybe going shopping. And I was like, Yeah, I actually hate shopping, but there's uh Tim Ferriss has this saying, like, what would this look like if it was easy? So like I always call them my autistic headphones. I bring headphones with me for going shopping, and I just literally will wander around the shop, I will go somewhere else, but that makes it easier for me. So, like, that's my way of kind of like saying that like there's always ways that you can kind of make it work for both of you. There just has to be some compromise that, like, okay, we can go shopping, no problem, but I'm not gonna be fucking standing next to you while you're looking at dresses and touching this fabric and saying, touch this. I was like, I'm gone doing something else, and that's a compromise. So if you can find that compromise, you know, with your partner that like I'll go to the gym these days of the week and we'll have a date night, it's kind of offset that time or whatever. There's always some way of kind of you know working it into your life that's not going to cause too much friction. And I'll give an example from here. Like when I'm training in the morning times, you know, Kate has to take the kids because I'm training at home and we haven't dropped them off and I'm working throughout the day. So the only time we can get that in is either in the morning time or much later at night. And that's eating into both of our times together, whether that's with the kids together or with each other together in the evening times or in the morning times. So my trade-off is okay, I'm taking the kids the other three mornings at a week while I'm out training. I'll do that. You take the kids, but you go do your thing, whatever you want to do, whether that's going for a walk or whether that's whatever, there's compromise and there's trade-off and there's give and take with the whole thing. It can't be just take, take, take all the time, right? So that's an easier way of having that little bit of a softening the blow on the discussion as well, too, because it's not just about what's in it for me. It's like, okay, what can you get back out of it as well, too? And okay, you go and you're touching the dresses and you're walking around pennies and you've got your autistic headphones on, but then you get to go and say, okay, I actually want to go to this shop, come on over here with me and tell me what you like with this. And it there's trade-off there all the time with that as well. And this is where when you have that compromise, that's what relationships are all about. That's what uh working with your friends, that's what working with your peers, all these things, that's what it's all about. And again, that can be really, really key uh when you're starting to open up those discussions as

Takeaways, Mindset Shifts, Closing

21:53

well. Um, I think there's a lot of stuff here that uh people will get a lot of value from. Maybe it's gonna challenge their biases, maybe it's gonna uh make you think that a little bit deeper, maybe it's gonna create some challenging struggles for you with those conversations. But I think they're worthwhile to jump into and absolutely uh do embrace them. If you need a bit of a help or steer, we're not here to give you relationship counselling, but just to give a little bit of advice on it. Or if there's something you found that, you know, really resonated throughout this conversation, we'd love to hear it back as well, too. Because I guess this is not the typical podcast that we have like two guys talking about compromise and blah blah blah and all these things, but it's like again, it's worthwhile. This is what we do with clients all the time. This is not just about your sets, reps, macros, and calories that you've got. Uh, this is about again creating an environment that's more conducive to the outcome you're ultimately looking for for bettering your health, your fitness, your life, your longevity, whatever that goal may be. We're here to support, help, guide as well through throughout all that. Uh, Daniel, it's been an absolute pleasure, as always.