Mike and Liz get together (finally!)
Mike and Liz get together (finally!)
LIZ and MIKE
Week 7.
It’s raining. LIZ waits anxiously just inside a restaurant, checking her phone, fidgeting with her umbrella.
LIZ
Hi.
MIKE
Hey! It’s good to see you.
LIZ
Your coat.
MIKE
Oh sorry. Did I get you wet?
LIZ
It’s really coming down.
MIKE
Yeah.
LIZ
Want to sit?
MIKE
Sure. Where do you...
LIZ
I don’t care. Let’s just— Can we just—— I have 30 minutes. Less now.
MIKE
It’s good to see you. I’m not that late, Liz.
LIZ
We shouldn’t have done this. It’s the middle of the work day.
MIKE
When else could we do it?
LIZ
What do you want to eat?
MIKE
Look, if this is going to stress you out——
LIZ
No, you’re right. You’re right. We need a date. And this is the time. We have childcare.
MIKE
True.
LIZ
He’s fine.
MIKE
He’s fine.
So this place is new. Sort of fusion-y I guess. I don’t know. I thought we should try it. The name I thought was——
LIZ
Yeah. Funny. Right. Guy-o-za? What is it? French, Asian, Pizza?
MIKE
Amazing right?
LIZ
Sure.
MIKE
Would you rather go somewhere else?
LIZ
No. We’re here, we should——
MIKE
There’s like a million other places in this strip. And there’s Jake’s.
LIZ
We always go to Jake’s.
MIKE
We haven’t been to Jake’s in a while. Not since——
BOTH
The baby.
MIKE
So it might be nice.
LIZ
We’re already here. Let’s just—— We don’t have time. To switch.
MIKE
If you’re sure.
LIZ
Think about it. By the time we pick a new place, drive ourselves there, find two separate parking spots, it will be time to go back to work hungry, tired, and frustrated. Without even a chance to talk.
MIKE
So you do want to talk?
LIZ
That’s not fair. Turning everything into a joke. Like none of this... anxiety is even grounded on—— anything? Why can’t you even consider the implications of switching right now? Why do you put it all on me?
MIKE
I’m trying to make things nice for us.
LIZ
You’re such a man.
MIKE
I’m trying to consider you.
LIZ
Without thinking about the decision? You offer the choice to me yes, along with all of the mental loading and logistic configuring and meanwhile you get to look the hero while I just am stressfully trying to figure out the best option.
MIKE
The best option would be to make you happy. If you don’t like the food here, it really isn’t a problem to switch.
LIZ
Isn’t it though? What are you getting?
MIKE
So we are staying?
LIZ
YES.
MIKE
Ok. Cool. Um.... What are you getting?
LIZ
I don’t know. The Caesar Salad.
MIKE
That looks good. Not the ‘za experience though. Hm...
LIZ
So how’s work?
MIKE
Work? Um... normal I guess.
LIZ
Nothing interesting?
MIKE
You know, just cracking the code.
LIZ
But not getting any closer or anything?
MIKE
Nope. I mean yeah, we are closer. We work every day.
LIZ
We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to...
MIKE
I’m trying to make a decision. For lunch.
LIZ
Right. I just thought we could talk, I mean we get so little time together... even though we are together... every night. I’m in the other room. I miss—— talking.
MIKE
Me too.
LIZ
So what should we talk about?
MIKE
Um....
LIZ
Have we lost the ability to connect? I mean none of this just seems to come naturally anymore and I’m trying, Mike, I really am but——
MIKE
I know. Liz, I am——
LIZ
But I’m so exhausted.
MIKE
Me too.
LIZ
And then when I get home I just want to read or sleep or watch something...
MIKE
It’s not your fault.
LIZ
All the time. And I feel like one more thing, one more exertion of effort, that next one little thing is going to break me, to break us.
MIKE
We aren’t going to break. We’re fine.
LIZ
We’re fine? If we can’t talk?
MIKE
What are we doing now?
LIZ
Vocalizing concern? I don’t know. It seems like every time we share a moment it is to discuss the crisis. When do we get back to living? Talking about... what did we talk about?
MIKE
Where to go for lunch? What to eat?
LIZ
You joke, but you feel it too? Don’t you?
MIKE
It had to change. We had a baby. That’s a major change. We’re still adjusting. It’s only been seven weeks.
LIZ
It’s a major change for me. You act as if——
MIKE
What? Just say it Liz.
LIZ
I didn’t mean to accuse——
MIKE
You said it. You have to believe it, right? I haven’t had any change? You don’t believe we are partners in this?
LIZ
Of course we’re—— I don’t——
MIKE
But not as much as you.
LIZ
I——
MIKE
I’m there Liz. Every night. Every day. I. Am. There.
LIZ
When? When you are sleeping through feedings?
MIKE
You know how hard it is for me to wake up.
LIZ
I’m not the only parent. We both chose to have this child.
MIKE
I’ve been there from the start. You haven’t given me a chance to——
LIZ
You’ve made me wake you up! On top of it all! I’m stretched too far and then I have to be your alarm too?
MIKE
That’s not fair.
LIZ
I know right?!
MIKE
I’m trying. I’m getting better. But...
LIZ
What?
MIKE
When are you going to let me give him a bottle?
LIZ
Mike...
MIKE
How can you... How can you get mad at me when you won’t even let me try?
LIZ
What are you talking about? Of course I let you——
MIKE
When?
LIZ
He gets the bottle all day at day care... It just breaks my heart to... I can feed him at night.
MIKE
So when am I going to be able to feed him? This weekend? The days on the weekend?
LIZ
He’s so needy.
MIKE
He has strong opinions. A zest for life.
LIZ (Laughs)
Yes. That’s making the most of it. A joi de vivre. Living life to the fullest.
MIKE
Taking the most from others he can.
LIZ
Babies. I want to do what’s best for everyone.
MIKE
I know. That doesn’t mean doing everything.
LIZ
You’re right.
MIKE
What?
LIZ
You’re right. And milking it.
MIKE
Pun intended.
LIZ
Mike!
MIKE
Sorry. It was right ther... too far.
LIZ
What am I going to do with you?
MIKE
You’ll figure it out. Like you do everything. You’re—— You’re amazing. Waking up every couple of hours, pulling whole days on no sleep, taking care of our guy, feeding him around the clock, all the while on a body that’s just healing from a crazy ordeal, not just labor but the ten months of preparing for it—— I couldn’t do it.
LIZ
You’ve been thinking this?
MIKE
You’re amazing, Liz.
LIZ
But I——
MIKE
Never asked what I was thinking.
LIZ
You never offered it.
MIKE
No. I guess that’s true.
LIZ
I just...
BOTH
I’m sorry.
LIZ
There’s so much judgement in my brain.
MIKE
It’s not from me.
LIZ
I didn’t know.
MIKE
I should tell you more.
LIZ
That’d be nice. So we can be in the same existence again.
MIKE
On the same level.
LIZ
Partners.
LIZ (To an unseen waiter)
Oh, I’ll have the Miso Cesar. Chicken, please.
MIKE
Uh... I haven’t decided yet.
LIZ
Mike!
MIKE
What? We’ve been talking.
LIZ
How long is your lunch break?
MIKE
Would you please give us a few more minutes? The rain continues.
LIZ
Nothing changes.
MIKE
One time.
LIZ
Every date you take me to a restaurant, I make a decision right away and you are with the menu half the night.
MIKE
Yes, but you always get the same thing.
LIZ
So do you!
MIKE
Well, some day I might not.
LIZ
But you always do. You do this, even at Jake’s. Even though you know you are going to get the Reuben every time.
MIKE
But there are so many possibilities.
LIZ
Every time.
MIKE
Well, if you know me so well, what am I going to get?
LIZ
Oh no. That’s your choice.
MIKE
Arg! Foiled!
LIZ
I love you.
MIKE
This is nice.
LIZ
Yeah. The menu?
MIKE
Okay, okay. I’m on it. Mom.
LIZ
It’s so weird to be called that. I don’t feel like, you know, Mom.
MIKE
You call me Dad all the time.
LIZ
When the baby’s in the room!
MIKE
Oh. It was a joke.
LIZ
I shouldn’t care. I mean I am a Mom. I just don’t want to be MOM, you know.
MIKE
I get it. Me, I——
LIZ
I’m still me.
MIKE
It won’t happen again.
LIZ
Ready to order?
MIKE
Uh... Sorry we got caught up talking again and...
LIZ
Oh Mike... It’s just lunch. What about——?
MIKE
Excuse me! I can be decisive!
LIZ
When?
MIKE
When it matters. Okay... the sample platter. Decision made: If one’s mind made up need be, all in one choice can make!
LIZ
You’re a dork.
MIKE
Love it, you do.
LIZ
Love you, I do. You made Dad jokes, before you were one.
MIKE
Where I fit, finally be I. Feels good.
MIKE
What are you doing?
LIZ
I’ve just got to check...
MIKE
He’s fine.
LIZ
How can you be sure?
MIKE
I have to have faith. So I can be here. Where I have to be. First Years will call if there’s a problem. Do you want to check the app?
LIZ
No, I——
MIKE
See. He’s sleeping.
LIZ
They always do that better than us.
MIKE
Well. At least he’s getting it somewhere. They share a laugh.
LIZ
He’s going to be fine.
MIKE
We all are.
LIZ
But how can he be if I’m constantly at that life-or-death level of stress? Isn’t he going to feel that uncertainty and internalize that worry? How can he feel safe, loved, cared for——?
MIKE
He does Liz. I see how you look at him. He sees that. You feel that too. Just trust in that. The more you believe it, the more you’ll be it.
LIZ
How does this come so naturally to you?
MIKE
Right.
LIZ
Come on, this whole lunch all you’ve been doing is spouting off the answers and calming my fears. You never share any anxiety or questions. Do you even have any——?
MIKE
Questions? What do you think?
LIZ
How could I know?
MIKE
I already said I’m going to work on that.
LIZ
So...?
MIKE
Now? Oh. Okay. Let’s see... Do you ever, like, get, okay this is awful, but you asked and... do you ever get bored? You know, watching him? Of course not, sorry I——
LIZ
Duh! It’s like talking to a doll. Sometimes.
MIKE
Really?!
LIZ
Making up the entire conversation? It’s exhausting!
MIKE
It is though! I get home from work and I just want to plug in, you know, like I used to. Play games or read or whatever. It’s just like wading through a bog sometimes to piece together a one sided conversation. And then sometimes, I can’t help it, I just start nodding off——
LIZ
MIKE!
MIKE
It’s exhausting! You said it yourself!
LIZ
If you fall asleep who’s watching the baby? There are safety concerns!
MIKE
I don’t fall asleep. I just want to fall asleep.
LIZ
I think you need more sleep than I do.
MIKE
She said it folks!
LIZ
Okay, okay, we don’t need the whole restaurant looking at us.
MIKE
Hold on a second, can I get a recording? Let me get my phone.
LIZ
I’m just saying, looking at all of the empirical evidence I fair better on less sleep than you do.
MIKE
Right?!
LIZ
I’m not saying that’s a pass and don’t you dare take more of the little sleep I have—!
MIKE
Wouldn’t dream of it.
LIZ
You still get time to dream.
MIKE
Why do you do that? Why does parenthood put us in this antagonistic sort of Mom vs. Dad arena? Why are we playing Battle Royale? Shouldn’t we be in team mode?
LIZ
I don’t understand.
MIKE
Everyone for himself versus playing on the same team.
LIZ
Oh. I don’t know. I guess there’s so much inequality. It’s like I’m hit over and over with it, in every situation. Get up, Liz, he’s crying. You’re leaking, he needs you, Liz. He’s still crying, you’ve got to get up, you’ve got to hold him. I’m the only one who can hold him.
MIKE
I’ve never said that.
LIZ
You haven’t said it. But it’s true.
MIKE
Because you won’t let anyone else hold him.
LIZ
I let you hold him for hours! I sit on the other side of the wall and listen to him wail while you try to endlessly comfort him. I mean, I don’t know how you do it, because after thirty minutes I’m ready to give him anything to just stop the pain. The agony. For him and everyone else. And as mom I can. I can stick a boob in his mouth. Done. Satisfied. Inequality. But also power because you don’t have that as a tool to help. But also I am just a tool to help. A human bottle.
MIKE
I don’t think this is productive.
LIZ
And now you are telling me just not to talk about it? To suck it up?
MIKE
No. I didn’t say——
LIZ
You said we shouldn’t acknowledge the inequality. You just said that you don’t think this is productive.
MIKE
I said we should be operating in team mode, not always battling it out. There are too many battles on all sides. I mean this kid...
LIZ
But how do we work together? We literally can’t work together because he’s decided I’m the only one who can feed him——
MIKE
We are the parents. Not him. We can make a plan.
LIZ
We’ve made plans. We stick to them even. Consistently.
MIKE
He’s got to have a wall. A point where he’ll stop fighting and give in. Everyone does.
LIZ
Right.
MIKE
He’s human. We’re all human.
LIZ
But——
MIKE
We all have a wall. See? We’ve found yours.
LIZ
I can keep going. I’ve got to.
MIKE
No. You don’t.
LIZ
I’m his Mom.
MIKE
I’m his Dad. So? It’s the stupid airplane thing. Put your mask on first and then his. You can pump. Or formula. Or not. We can figure it out.
LIZ
You get sleep. You’re able to compartmentalize the baby in your brain. Like you go to work and don’t think about him for 8 hours——
MIKE
Hold on!
LIZ
And if I do that I become engorged. I have to plan times in the work day to squeeze myself into a tiny bathroom stall or find an abandoned office, all the time praying no one will walk in on me, in order to pump. I’m not trying to belittle your contribution, but there’s built in inequality and thus built in comparison.
MIKE
Why?
LIZ
What?
MIKE
Why is there comparison? Because you are counting. We can’t change anatomy, ok? We can’t change that there are things that I just can’t physically do. But is that my fault? No. It’s just reality. So why count? Why compare?
LIZ
I’m hangry Mike.
MIKE
Oh, well, um... I’ll get the waiter...
LIZ
No. Like on all fronts. I have this NEED to sleep, to be acknowledged, considered, cared for and if I stop counting, if I let go of the hangry, who is going to care for me?
MIKE
Me.
LIZ
How? It’s a revelation to you that I’m even having difficulty.
MIKE
But holding onto the comparison, the hate, the hangry I guess, it’s just poison. For you. For us.
LIZ
I’m not thinking, Mike.
MIKE
I’m confused. Like right now or...?
LIZ
Like in my brain. I don’t think about anything anymore.
MIKE
That’s not true.
LIZ
Are you in my brain?
MIKE
... No. But——
LIZ
Can’t I even have my thoughts? I mean I think, but it’s all about base need. My base need, his, yours.
MIKE
No dreaming.
LIZ
Can I exist without that?
MIKE
I... I didn’t know. It will get better. He will get older. Take care of more. Talk back.
LIZ
Can’t wait for that.
MIKE
You know what I meant. Take part in the conversation. You’re still in there.
LIZ
But what do we do for now?
MIKE
I don’t know.
LIZ
I know.
MIKE
But it’s not dead. Dreaming is... you need to be able to dream. We aren’t going to let you... leave us. I don’t want that.
LIZ
I know. But if we just live in I don’t know, whatever this is... if we don’t fight it, it will die. Me, I will disappear.
MIKE
We’ll give you time.
LIZ
When? And what if that doesn’t——
MIKE
I can’t solve it—— I mean I’m here, I’ll support you but only you can feed your need. You’ve got to believe that you should make time for you.
LIZ
But even now, I feel like I’m not doing enough... like maybe I should just lean into it, give up everything and stay home with him.
MIKE
Woah, what? (Murmured to the waiter) Thank you.
LIZ (ditto)
Thanks.
MIKE
Do you mean that?
LIZ
I’ve just been feeling like a terrible mom and then without even my desire to do what I used to love...
MIKE
I don’t think that’s the answer. You love your work, Liz.
LIZ
Do I?
MIKE
We talked about this. Before the baby. You know I have no expectations of you staying home. My mom worked! My whole life.
LIZ
It’s just this strong judgement... I see so much disappointment everywhere.
MIKE
Don’t let your Mom set expectations that——
LIZ
It’s not just Mom.
MIKE
Whose life is it? Yours or hers? If anyone should stay home, it should be me. I feel like I’m missing everything.
LIZ
You want to stay home? Really? He screams at you 24/7.
MIKE
We have great moments! And if I stayed home maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe staying home full time is what he needs to hit the wall. To see that I’m okay.
LIZ
You’re more than okay.
MIKE
Shucks.
LIZ
But... what about the ‘we’re the parents’ bit. If you believe that, shouldn’t you just persist in your desire to work?
MIKE
I just... Do I desire to work?
LIZ
The baby is work too.
MIKE
I know...
LIZ
He’s not a computer.
MIKE
I know. But that makes it more fulfilling?
LIZ
And devastating. Frustrating. You can’t just program him. Plug in what you want him to do. Sometimes you try the same input and every time you get a different reaction. Output.
MIKE
Yeah...
LIZ
Maybe we should just let the trained childcare professionals do their job. And miss it all. But then who qualifies as our kid’s parents? The day care?
MIKE
We do.
LIZ
How can you say that? Know that? Feel that?
MIKE
Because I have to.
LIZ
So you lie to yourself?
MIKE
Is it a lie if you live it until it becomes real? It’s only been 7 weeks Liz.
LIZ
It feels so much longer. And not.
MIKE
Yeah.
LIZ
So...
MIKE
New plan?
LIZ
I don’t know.
MIKE
No?
LIZ
No.
MIKE
We’ll keep talking.
LIZ
Yeah. I guess.
MIKE
Ready to eat? Or are we going back to work with boxes?
LIZ
Is that the time? The food came pretty fast.
MIKE
Benefits of ordering an appetizer as an entree? Also I told them we had limited time.
LIZ
Thank you for taking care of us.
MIKE
Thank you for letting me... well, letting me tell you that, about the boredom. I thought you’d be mad or——
LIZ
Of course not. Thanks for letting me... let it all out too.
MIKE
I don’t want to be a slouch dad. To be one or for you to think I am. I’m trying. And even if it looks like I’m intrinsically good with it, I... well, it’s hard for everyone isn’t it?
LIZ
Yes.
MIKE
I don’t want you to think you can’t count on me. I’m here. Trying. As much as I can.
LIZ
I know. Same for you okay? I know I can come off as a shark sometimes, you know, bite your head off, talk later but really I do care and I want you to be able to be vulnerable too.
MIKE
You’re only like that because you bear the brunt of it.
LIZ
I’m like that, because I’m not as understanding as you. I let the little things fester, I let myself be selfish and feel slighted. I count the inequalities.
MIKE
That’s human.
LIZ
So you’re not. Human.
MIKE Well...
LIZ
All this time!
MIKE
I’ve been waiting to find the right time to tell you...
LIZ
We need more space. For this. I miss you.
MIKE
Same. You think you can swing once a week? Lunch.
LIZ
I think we have to.
MIKE
Woah, no one’s going to force you to be around me!
LIZ
No. We have to for our sanity.
MIKE
I’d like that.
LIZ
That’ll be enough right?
MIKE
It’s a start.
LIZ
There’s more to be done.
MIKE
Sometimes we just have to survive, together.
LIZ
Great wisdom, you have.
MIKE
We’ll have to work on that young Padewon.
LIZ
Nope! That can be your responsibility. Tried it. Didn’t like it. That part of parenthood is yours!
MIKE
Yes!
LIZ
You’re a dork.
MIKE
But I’m your dork.
LIZ
Yes. And my other man is a dork-to-be.
MIKE
If all goes to plan.
LIZ
I hope he’s like you.
MIKE
I hope he’s like you too.
BOTH
He’s fine.
LIZ
You picking him up today?
MIKE
That was the plan.
LIZ
Good. See you at home then.
MIKE
Can’t wait.
END OF SHOW.