Episode 1: You're Real

Mike and Liz meet their baby for the first time and discover already it is nothing like they expected. 

Transcript

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MIKE
Week 1. You’re... you’re real. That sounds... dumb. I know you’re real, it’s just... you really are. Wow. This is not a great first impression of your Dad, huh? Dad... I’m a—— Dad. It’s just... in all of this time seeing your picture, hearing your heartbeat, feeling you kick sometimes, it still wasn’t... your Mom got most of it. Feeling you at every moment. Growing right along with you. You changed her shape, her weight, her breath. I... will never know what it is like. To make you, to birth you, to bring you here. Sometimes I’d wish... I mean, not really—— but to really, physically experience it. 

Okay. Not really. 

Especially after what I just saw. I mean, I don’t want to have to do that. That is... a lot of pain. 

Yeah. 

Meeting you... for me at least, it’s a little bit like jumping in head first off of the diving board versus getting into a pool gradually, you know? I guess there’s a little bit of shock. You know, sudden change? Of course you know. Look at who I’m talking to. All you know in your first few minutes of life is sudden change. Well, I’m here for you man and I guess I’m just trying to say, I was more on the sidelines. It wasn’t my life, but it was you know? Don’t get me wrong, I was lucky enough to be there, for everything. Every appointment, every screening. But this? This is real. Real. I’m holding you. You are a person. There is a person. A beautiful, perfect person. And now I get to know you. You are here. Finally. 

I am your father. I helped make you. 

What? What are those looks for? I’m having a moment with my son! Of course I’m crying. This is big! Would she rather I just hand him back to her? This is the first time I get to feel him wriggle—— Hold on dude, don’t whack yourself there. Tighten the swaddle...

I get to hold his tiny hand. And I can look at him. I mean, look at him! He’s... like a perfect mini human. Have you ever seen anything like this? I mean look at his finger 

nails! They are so tiny and wrinkled and LOOK! He’s taking my finger. He’s holding my finger. 

I mean... Come on. 

And... They are still staring. I emote. I’m human. Just let me... Am I not holding him right? Is that the issue? Or... right! Skin to skin. Your mom wants you back. Is that it? Mom. That’s so weird calling Liz that. But that’s who she is to you. Okay. I’ll just... 

I don’t want to hand you back. Yet. 

You’re so... new. 

I got to cut the cord. Not going to lie. Pretty cool. Gross. But cool. You get it. And then I saw you dried, warmed, and washed. I may not have experienced every little thing while you grew inside Mom, but I can honestly say I have not left your side since you got here. And we’ve had great adventures. Man did you scream when they washed you off. 

You did not get those lungs from me. 

Don’t tell your Mom I said that. 

Woah! Arm’s escaping again. Let’s just pop that back in there. 

I’ve never held a newborn. And... Yep. That’s about it. Nothing I can do about that now. That I have one. 

I’ve never had a job where I had zero previous experience, where it was all learning on the job. I mean, even my first job, my first real job, not just working for my parents, was restocking selves at the store where my Mom worked in the pharmacy. So yeah, I didn’t go around home stacking stuff all the time, but I unloaded groceries. Had to learn store policy, but not, you know, caring for a human. I just started my first real programming job this past year, just out of college. I’m helping fix, maintain, and create software for a pretty big company. Part of this huge team. But, I mean, that job is what I trained for for years at a university and hacking through high school. 

I feel at home programming. I’m really lucky to enjoy what I do. I mean, it’s a job sure, but speaking the language, talking to computers, it feels natural, right, home. I know what’s going on. There’s no subtext. I find the problem, correct the program, and done. 

Problem solved. It’s defined. You speak the language, you got it. No miscommunication. It’s a computer. If something goes wrong, it just hasn’t been told the right thing. It’s my error and I just have to find it. 

With you, we are just a few minutes in and already I feel... I don’t know... It’s difficult to name it. Emotion. I guess... overtaken? We aren’t naive. We aren’t going into this blind. I mean, we’ve been training, reading books, watching friends care for their kids, even babysitting their kids together. I’m just... surprised. Surprised how much this already feels like we don’t know anything. We don’t know what we don’t know, you know? I’m not making any sense... 

I mean, I don’t really care, I’m going to learn. I just hate feeling... inadequate? Incompetent? Naive. I have a handle on my life. Is that why the crying made them uncomfortable? Is it coming from inadequacy? 

No. That’s not it. It’s... 

Excitement? Relief? Love. So why is she so surprised? I just don’t cry and that’s surprising? I cry when it counts. When she chose me, when we were married, and at the birth of my first child. My son. 

Here I go again. Crying. I don’t know if I’d even call it crying. It’s more like... tears. Misty eyes I guess they say. Whoever they is. It really isn’t like me. I don’t feel things, usually. I mean of course I feel things. I have senses and, you know, feelings. I just, they pass through. Like weather. You know. I feel something happening I just... I don’t dwell on it. More like let them go. Get through it. Not worth it to name it. Or speak it. 

She’s way different. And of course she points that out. Tries to understand them. My feelings. I just want to let them go. Live my life you know. No need to voice whatever it is and potentially hurt someone else. I know not all feelings are hurtful... I’m not explaining this right. 

Sometimes, you just don’t say what you mean, when you feel something, it’s just like there’s the need to... this physical impulse to... voice it. Even if you don’t mean it. But that is like, the ultimate truth to her. Something said in the heat of the moment, to her is revealing my true self, but when I am actively choosing what I am saying and therefore who I am, what I believe, that comes off as holding back. Like I’m being dishonest or putting on a charade. But it’s more me than any words I don’t put any thought into. But those words have the feelings behind them. I don’t get it. Feelings aren’t... I don’t control them. They are like... impulses. Aren’t choices what count? The person I’ve chosen to be. It doesn’t make sense. She feels like I’m constructing a false reality, but I’m not. I’m constructing reality. True reality. Not giving the mic to some passing thought. 

And by consciously choosing I’m becoming who I am. Sharing everything, things I think or feel for one moment and don’t even mean could ruin our relationship forever. 

I’m just trying to live my life okay? I didn’t ask to start crying. It just... happened. Sometimes they just happen and I... Why does she care? I don’t. It just is. She doesn’t need to stare. But I guess she has a right to value different things. 

Whatever. 

I hope she could see that I wanted this. 

I showed interest. I’m not like one of those Dads who just shrugs it off. I have been planning for your arrival. I went to all the appointments. I took the class with her. I mean I did my part. I never complained, or wanted to! Since I was informed, I’ve been supportive. I’ve been adapting. Mentally. Swallowing the change in identity. Becoming a Dad. Maybe it didn’t look like it. Looking at my life nothing really changed. I woke up, protested the alarm, dragged myself to work, went through the day, came home, flopped on the couch with a good book or video game. It didn’t change my life, like on the surface. If you were observing me. Like she does. It didn’t have to change. Now, now is the time when change happens. I’m sure I’m going to have to, you know, cut back on the late nights, cut back on the reading and the games, the sleeping in... I’ve got you to fill my time. To care for. I’m adaptable. Hold you one hand, hold the controller with the other. 

Whoops. Almost lost you there. You’re more slippery than you look. 

We’ve all got to sacrifice. I get that. I can do that. 

You know, and how could I possibly know what needs to be sacrificed? I haven’t lived it yet. If a problem appears, it will be assessed, and dealt with. I want to be a good Dad. Does that mean I have to get rid of all the little things I like to do? No. If sometimes I choose me does that mean I don’t love my family? Like... Liz was pregnant. Not me. Did I have to hold her hair each time she puked to be a supportive loving husband? Of course not. I got her a bowl, held it sometimes, you know, provided the tums when heartburn got bad, built her a mountain of pillows to sleep on, ran to the store for things... You don’t need to go through the thing to support the person. Can’t she see I care? So what’s the big surprise with the tears? Liz didn’t cry the first time she held you. She cries at Hallmark movies, not that she wants anyone to know that. Should I be worried about her? She’s a new mom holding her first child that she just gave birth to and she looks... happy? Content? Tired. She looks tired. It’s been a long day getting you here. Should I be worried about her? 

So why are they worried about me? 

Does it, does me crying, seem too far fetched, far reaching, not a part of my personality? It is... but it isn’t, you know, cuz I did it and so it is a part of me, right? I’m having a lot of... feelings and I don’t really know how to name... or if they have a name... or wow, only a couple minutes into this Dad stuff and I’m out of my wheelhouse. Even my vocabulary is—— 

(Whistles to signify thoughts fleeing from his brain) 

Guess I’m going to grow a lot. 

One can only hope. 

You going to be ok with that little man? You want to get to know this guy? I’d like to get to know you. 

And I get to for two weeks. That’s all I had vacation time wise. I think I should ask for more... but Liz is worried, I don’t blame her— it’s such a big company I could be replaced like... 

(Snaps) 

I was just surprised that they don’t have better parental leave. They have more maternity leave, but for fathers or anyone else... It stinks. How am I going to be able to get to know you in two weeks? I mean when we pieced together the plan it seemed like a lot, I’ve never taken this long a time off of a job for vacation, for me, and it seemed okay, but now I don’t even want to give you back to Liz, how am I going to do this fathering thing from a distance? I’m feeling... things I didn’t think I’d... 

It could change. 

I know this is my role. Provider. Someone has to bring in the money for the family to run. And men have done that forever. I mean there is a reason that that is societal standard... I can’t physically have the babies. I have to do something valuable. But Liz and I have never been like that. We are equals, partners. We both work for the family to move forward. We both take care of the chores around the house when we get back. I don’t want to lose that equity. You aren’t going to change that are you? 

Okay, I didn’t mean—— New overload right. Am I holding him right? This is right. Maybe it’s... are you hungry? Here’s Mom. 

(Transition Music)

(The incredibly loud first cry of a baby just being born. )

LIZ 

Week 1. We are never going to sleep again. 

That’s my first thought? Let’s try this again. 

Is it supposed to feel like that? What? He’s eating me. Okay, okay, he’s eating from me—— It’s just, okay, I thought... that, you know, it would be this heart warming experience. You know, like you read on mommy blogs, birth stories, baby books. Skin-to skin, first time holding my son who’s been growing inside of me for months and months now I thought I’d get to hold him, bond with him, and we’d have this spiritual connection sort of moment. My moment is... I guess it kind of... tickles? What?! He’s munching me! I’ve never been eaten before! 

Nothing could prepare me for this. It’s one of those things... you just have to experience. And I am. I’m... It’s kind of a rite of passage. 

I can’t believe I just did that. 

You know? Give birth. I... I knew it was going to happen. It has to happen. I just... You hit this point and it all seems so big... he seems so big, it’s like, am I going to be able to push that out of my body? He was nine pounds! I just... it’s amazing. Not the act of it. Not you know, how it happens, but that it happens, you know? I mean my body kind of just did it. I helped of course, pushed when the doctor told me too, but with the epidural... it was more trusting than feeling it. I just got out of the way. Let myself believe it could happen, that I shouldn’t stand in the way. 

I had all these anxieties at the end. There was a point, I’d been laboring for over a day and... I was just... I couldn’t see the end. I wanted it to end. I wanted to give up. You can’t really. The contractions keep coming, the waves keep crashing down, but it’s the difference between actively swimming and fighting for your life and just letting yourself be tossed around in the sea. It’s not a good choice. 

Mike told me the baby’s head was right there. He could see the light at the end of the 

tunnel, even if I couldn’t, and something... I set myself aside and I did it. I really... I’m so much more capable than I ever dreamed. I mean in theory I believed I could be, but now I know. 

My body man... Now to get my mind to catch up. Or maybe just get out of it’s way. 

Breastfeeding: check. 

I’m glad it seems to be working. You can’t practice it. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried. I didn’t like find another baby or something, I mean... come on. But I’ve read so much literature in order to prepare for this moment. Met with lactation consultants. And... it’s not even a problem. He knew just what to do. That’s a huge blessing. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much. Or I should have spent my time and money elsewhere? Or maybe I should just be grateful. That’s the one. 

I’m going to miss this. When I’m pumping. 

I’ve only been feeding him for a few minutes! Be here, Liz! Get the Mommy blog experience. Be in the moment. 

Is this how long it takes? Feeding him. Is this going to be every time or just the first time? When am I going to find thirty minutes or more to slip out from work and pump? And not just once in the day, several times a day? That’s going to be fun. 

It’ll work out. 

If I can schedule it around lunch, and maybe if I pump in my car right before I go in and—— 

I have six weeks. It’s okay. We’ll figure it out. 

Only three of those weeks are paid, but—— Don’t go there. We have enough saved. And Mike is working. 

He’s taking vacation days for this. Been saving up. I’m glad he gets to be here. Wish he could take off more. Does he have more vacation days? No. He wanted to risk it, take more, but with no income, and who knows about job security. 

He’s been there less than a year. I mean, I wish... but we don’t have the luxury of pushing it. I just started less than a year ago too as an Engineer in Training working under a senior engineer. So I’m kind of at his mercy. We can’t push more than—— 

Are we taking too much time? Are we going to lose our jobs? And then how are we going to manage? Pay for him? I—— 

Don’t go down that road. There’s no going back now that he’s here. Skin-to-skin. Spiritually, super special mom-son bond! 

Why am I so... disconnected? Am I disconnected? Is that the word? It’s just I’ve been waiting and waiting and longing and waiting for this moment, for my life with him to begin, and now that it’s here... It feels more like a let down? I mean I can’t get my thoughts to focus. All I can think about is his crying, work, pumping. Is that why they call it let down? The milk. No. That’s... dumb. I know it isn’t why... I need to eat something. Let down is because... the mammary glands... It just means your milk is ready to flow! Not that I wanted to think about that... Great. Now that image is seared in my brain. Motherhood changes your boundaries right? I did just push out a child and am half naked in a room of people who I never really truly wanted to see me half naked. I mean, in-laws I just added you to my family. Hello! 

Why is this so... awkward...? And it’s only going to grow as I’m going to have to leave this hospital bed and breastfeed anywhere in front of... everyone. But I’ll be pumping. So I’ll be okay. We’ll be good. 

Anyway... You only get to meet your son once. This isn’t about them. It’s about you and him. Look at him. He’s so strong and healthy and big. Look at him. He knows exactly what he’s doing. 

This is more like it. Now I’m getting the warmth. This is what they are blogging about! I have a son. This little being just got evicted! Yay! I get to sleep on my stomach again! When I get to sleep. If I get to sleep. Everyone says to sleep while you can, when you’re pregnant, but they don’t tell you how crazy it is to try and sleep with a watermelon on your diaphragm. I’ve had to sleep in an upright, sitting position for the past month and a half. Like on an airplane. With a bowling ball being squeezed into my stomach. 

Worth it. 

But how could I know we are never going to sleep again? Just from that one little cry. Everyone says you don’t sleep with a newborn, let’s be honest, with a baby, but... I didn’t believe them? I thought it’d be different than the thousands of mothers who have birthed millions of babies... wow. Talk about pride. Well, reality is going to hit hard huh? 

Did you hear him cry? Only Mom and Mike were in here when it happened. The birth 

you know. But Dad, he said he could hear the cry all the way down in the cafeteria. My in laws came running in from the waiting room down the hall so that’s a little more believable. But it is true. We’ve got a LOUD one. We’ve got a loud one. 

What else do I know about you? Wow. Look at you go. Eyes closed, gulping it down, snorting through you’re little nose... You’re asleep. Okay. Do I? 

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Don’t take the food. Never take the food. Got it. You worked hard getting here. You’re hungry! Yeah... I thought skin-to-skin was supposed to last like an hour anyway. 

An hour?! I’m hungry. Like starving. Is anyone going to get me some food? They are just all so happy. Look at them celebrating. Every once and a while coming over to pet this boy’s head. Sneaking pictures of him across the room... excuse me, I’m half naked! That’s my boob in his... 

Not just my body anymore. Got it. 

In the new parenting class at the hospital they talked about the real struggle that pregnant women have giving over the spotlight to their newborn. I didn’t think that’s me. I hope it isn’t. Pregnancy didn’t really change much. I wasn’t coddled. I worked right up until the 

end. No one really held doors for me or you know, offered me their seat, the cliche examples... Just last week, I had someone seriously question I was pregnant. Last week. At 38 weeks. Maybe I don’t look very pregnant when I’m pregnant? You know? People expect that perfect round bump. Or maybe I wear more loose fitting clothes... In any case, I come across as more lumpy, overweight, and people don’t want to assume I’m pregnant. But at the same time they are assuming I’m fat so... 

Besides the point. I know it’s his time. He just got here. We all want to know him. Get that special moment with him. Feel that... connection. I just... I need to eat ok? 

They only let me have clear liquids through this twenty-eight hour ordeal after telling me I could eat whatever I wanted for ten months... Mainly. I should have eaten better, but.. cravings are real! And emotions! Arg. Anyway back to the story. They ordered Chinese food to my delivery room! I mean I LOVE my husband, but you are going to make me smell delicious General Tso’s chicken while breathing through three minute apart torso vices?! I mean it’s like being a tube of toothpaste, just this wave of pain washing over you until there is nothing else you can think of and then it’s gone. And then glorious relief. And then smelling all of the food I can’t eat. Then thinking about all I’m going to eat when he is out. And then seeing your caregivers sleeping on the chairs next to you. 

And then crushing loneliness. Why can’t you be up with me? 

Of course they should sleep and eat. It’s just one day of my life. But it’s also just one day of theirs. And they needed it. I needed them to sleep and eat, so that they can help now, with him. 

Right? 

I don’t really want to be charitable, but I do want to be charitable. Does that even make any sense? Like... I want to be able to give them what they need, but I also... I need. It’s so... human. But it’s also awful. Why don’t I give to those I love and instead insist on fulfilling my need at their expense? 

To be fair, I didn’t wake them up. They slept. I watched. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been that lonely. 

So I’m there staring at the terrible B movie we’ve switched to on the hospital TV and then longing to be my mom, my husband sleeping so peacefully... Those hospital couches must be the best mattresses in the world! And then I’m hitting the exhaustion wall and lying my head down on the pillow, just to see the next wave crashing ahead, it’s tentacles tightening around my lower torso and squeeeeeeeze.... 

I should have gotten the epidural earlier. Maybe then I could have gotten some sleep. It was heaven. So glad it worked. I count myself extremely lucky. I don’t know how women do this without medication. And women who choose to do it all natural! They are so strong. More stamina than I can imagine. I can’t even imagine. 

I’m glad that’s over. Really glad that’s over. And we got you! Whoever you are. It’s strange. As your mom, I thought I’d know. Or feel... We are almost finished with the golden bonding hour and... you’re still a mystery. Cute. Hungry. Loud. Even with your mouth occupied... Capable. More than I thought we would be. But... still a mystery. 

Is that enough? To learn? I mean our moment, may not have been the moment, but it was still special right? 

I may not know who you are, but I want to go on your journey. 

I’m just meeting you. 

It’s good to meet you. 

(A tray or some food is set down in front of her.) 

FOOD. 

Okay. Next big mom-son moment big guy. Eat one handed while breastfeeding and not dropping anything on your face. Ready. Set. GO!