Most of us think we have social media under control. But there's an entire industry behind the machine, and often our body image gets caught in the crossfire.
Dr. Saliha Afridi, Clinical Psychologist and Managing Director of Lighthouse Arabia, joins us to talk about losing ourselves in the modern pandemic -- and just how we can find our voice again.
Here's just a bit of what we discuss:
- Comparison and social media
- Getting caught in the trap of 'likes'
- Why so many of us felt worse about our bodies over the last few months
- How we can actually tune into our own voice
- Practical steps to feel better about our bodies and ourselves
To join the conversation, find us at:
facebook.com/groups/talkingoutloud
instagram.com/danaemercer
Most of us think we have social media under control. But there's an entire industry behind the machine, and often our body image gets caught in the crossfire.
Dr. Saliha Afridi, Clinical Psychologist and Managing Director of Lighthouse Arabia, joins us to talk about losing ourselves in the modern pandemic -- and just how we can find our voice again.
Here's just a bit of what we discuss:
- Comparison and social media
- Getting caught in the trap of 'likes'
- Why so many of us felt worse about our bodies over the last few months
- How we can actually tune into our own voice
- Practical steps to feel better about our bodies and ourselves
To join the conversation, find us at:
facebook.com/groups/talkingoutloud
instagram.com/danaemercer
Intro
From body image pressures to social media likes, sometimes it can feel like the world is full of noise, and that's exactly why we've got to start talking out loud. Welcome to the podcast. I'm your host, Danae Mercer, health journalist and eating disorder survivor. I'm glad you're here.
Danae Mercer
Hi, guys, I'm Danae Mercer. Welcome to the Talking Out Loud podcast. Today, I'm joined with Dr Saliha Afridi, who's a clinical psychologist. She's also the founder and managing director of Lighthouse Arabia, a community wellness center in Dubai. I've been on several panels with Dr. Afridi and she is just incredible. And she's spoken a lot about eating disorders, body image issues, confidence and all sorts of things. So today I'm going to talk to her about how you find your voice, how you find your confidence, and how we can navigate social media. So, Dr. Saliha, thank you so much for joining me today.
Dr Saliha Afridi
Thank you, Danae, for having me. It's my pleasure.
Danae Mercer
I guess just to just to kick off, we're going to jump in to something I heard you talk about before with such great expertise, how would you say social media is impacting body image and eating disorders and all of that?
Dr Saliha Afridi
You know Danae, social media is impacting every nook and cranny of our lives and definitely our identity, as well as our body image, which is very much linked to our identity, is very, very vulnerable right now when we are spending hours upon hours having these images being projected onto us. And all of these images are heavily filtered or edited, and we are comparing ourselves to a perfect, perfect, unattainable image. We are always going to feel less then and we are always going to feel that we are not enough.
And that actually this idea of not being enough, not being worthy, not accepting myself is absolutely linked to shame. And so being ashamed of who I am or being ashamed of what I look like is at the at the root of what this overexposure, excessive use of social media is about.
Danae Mercer
Now, why we've had magazines in the past. We had movies. I mean, growing up, I had TV shows with incredibly slender teenagers and quote unquote, like I used to watch The O.C. So we we've always had these kind of pictures of perfection projected back down to us. So what makes social media different?
Dr Saliha Afridi
You know, things were not good back then either. You know, as we look at all the media over the years, our idea of what we should look like and how we should act and what we should wear has obviously been very much been influenced by culture and by exposure to media. However, the media was something you turned on at 8:00 p.m. on a Monday or it was a magazine that you picked up while you were after you were done with your homework or maybe you were in a bookshop. This was not something where you are literally every waking hour of your day that you are being exposed to some content.
Human beings were not meant to have this kind of feedback loop ever. We post a picture up and then we wait for the likes to happen or the comments to happen or the engagement to happen or and that just kind that kind of feedback was just not something that we've evolved for. And so it's highly addictive.
And so people who are like, oh, well, I only check it every now and then. Not true. Like, either you're on it and you're going to get sucked into that vortex. And it's just it is absolutely not something that we can compare to any other form of media ever that has existed before this time.
Social media is a beast of its own and it's watching every move you make. And it actually is fixing the algorithm to make sure that it actually picks up on your deepest insecurities to keep you very engaged. Magazine's didn't do that and TV didn't do that. No other media did that. So social media is something that that we all really need to be very, very thoughtful and conscious about because it's nothing like we've ever experienced before
Danae Mercer
That’s so powerful and so interesting. I mean, I, I know for me personally, there was a time during quarantine when I feel like I almost drifted into an unhealthy space for social media where it was getting a bit addictive. And a friend actually called me out. She had invited me over for breakfast. And I was like, oh, no, I can't. I got this I need to do, this I need to do. But in reality, it was it was it was that social media, that kind of endless cycle that you can get on of always needing to jog and always needing that sort of constant reassurance. And for me now, like I've made a point where I, I often don't look at numbers because I think it can be incredibly addictive. So, have you during quarantine and COVID and the way at the moment we are all inside. We are all on our phones. Have you seen different pressures or different conversations around body image?
Dr Saliha Afridi
Absolutely. I mean, we were all headed down the wrong track before COVID and then COVID really threw us out of spin. You know, when you're all isolated and these words that we're using isolation versus social media, all of a sudden you're going to gravitate. We are human beings. We are social beings, and we want to socialize. Don't tell me I have to disconnect from everyone in my world.
And so this illusion of connection and illusion, of belonging and illusion of being part of a community, when actually the things that social media perhaps was created for is no longer what it's being used for, we're maybe using it for connection and spreading positivity. But now it actually is being used for comparison and comparison only. And so at least when it comes to the younger generations and people who are not using it consciously. And so, it's very, very, very normal for people to say that I actually got, you know, I was somewhere in this social media world and I need to come out for some air and not just social media, but all usage of technology went up, you know you know, whether it was Zoom or whether it was Skype, whether it was Netflix, whether it was social media, we were just on screen in the virtual world, somehow desperately holding on to, you know, some sense of normalcy.
But that actually was not very thought through because actually our numbers for depression and anxiety and body image issues and eating disorders and addictions all went up as a result of us being, you know, exposed to so much of this negative content.
Danae Mercer
That is so powerful, I feel like I have literally chills, because that's how it felt for me, is it was it was like, oh my gosh, I'm connected. Look at all these people all around the world. And then I think it's easy. It's so easy to get sucked in and it can become like even me and I talk about this all the time. You have to be so careful online like you have to be.
And one of the things I found really challenging is when you're in this constant feedback loop, it can become very hard to figure out your own voice because there are so many voices kind of shouting back at you with their own strong convictions. And I know so many women who struggle with body image issues also really struggle with finding their voice and self-confidence. So, what kind of advice would you give to a woman trying to navigate those things?
Dr Saliha Afridi
You know, Danae, I got on to social media about a year and a half ago. You know, that was my entry. Like, I came to the party a bit late, but this was me making my entry because I did it very, very thoughtfully. And there was a whole lot of work, six months of therapy, talking to my therapist, my husband, everybody about this, because I know I have a voice and I know I need to keep that voice and I need to keep that identity. But I also know that I am human and I am up against a giant, a Goliath when it comes to the social media companies and what they are doing.
They are literally neuroscientists who know how to code, and they are actually going up against our deepest vulnerabilities, but also our neurochemistry. So for me to have this idea, this fallacy that, oh, no, no, I got this under control, I'm not going to fall into this trap, is actually really, really not thought through when I would really urge people, one to know what you're up against.
So that was the first thing is know what you're up against and just don't be living in this sort of delusion that you are better than these billion dollar, multibillion dollar companies who literally their only job is to make sure that you stay addicted to that app, to stay on that app. They call it engagement, but it actually is addiction in the world of psychology, number one.
Number two, you need to have healthy practices outside of social media. So there needs to be whether, if you can time box it, great. Make sure you really keep those. You know, I will do it at this time and then I will engage again at this time. So, you're almost keeping it within its neat little places, really. Watch out for those liminal times. You know my one meeting and then I get on to another meeting right in between those meetings. Don't check your phone. This should not be something that you just do just to fill your head because you will end up putting these things into your unconscious somehow, even though You think you're just randomly scrolling and it's no big deal. I'm not even looking at anything. Yes, you are. And they're gathering data on you to make sure that you keep looking the next time a little bit longer. So number two is to really make sure you time box this thing.
And number three, I would really engage in some healthy, reflective practices. Now, I have hours of therapy that I engage in myself, journaling. I have, you know, meditation teachers. I have energy healers.
I mean, I'm working with a whole tribe of people to make sure that I stay aligned and I don't get inflated because that's another thing that can happen when you are on social media that, oh, look how many followers I have an oh, look, people love me. And all of a sudden you have this sense of inflated, look how important I am and you lose your ground, you lose your footing. So these self reflective practices, a tribe of people that keep you in check and they remind you of who you are and not just your friends, but professionals who know how to make sure that you stay anchored would be very, very important. So these would be the top three advices.
And self-reflection can be anything that you do where you stop and you sit still and you be with yourself, your inner voice, and you're not filling in every hour of your day with some book or social media or Zoom call or friend, you know, socializing, but stilling yourself where you are with yourself. Because when you hear your voice and you know what that embodied experience feels like when I feel sad, then your body will communicate to you when you are not aligned with your values, when you go off track and all of a sudden you're sitting with your friends and you're on your phone, your body is going to bring you back to your center.
So embodied emotions, reflective practices are going to be very, very important.
Danae Mercer
That's really powerful, this idea, I think, of reconnecting with our own voice, like I again, I mentioned, there is a time during quarantine. We were we were under a pretty strict lockdown here where we were. You couldn't leave the house. And I'm so glad that happened because it kept everything really safe.
But for me mentally, there were challenges associated with social media and it got to the point where my anxiety got so incredibly bad and it was echoing across the way I was viewing my body. And the only thing that helped me was for the first time in years, I actively started meditating and it just calmed me down and helped me remember, like you said, I guess finding your voice again, which I feel like can easily get lost in the chaos of social media.
Dr Saliha Afridi
And I think the key word you said, Danae, just now, which is beautiful, is finding my voice again. The voice has always been there. So, it's not like you have to go looking for it or you have to do anything to go find it somewhere outside of you. You just have to stop and make some space. And when you make that space, the voice will speak, which is what we are not doing anymore. There is no space from the time we wake up till the time we go to bed, there's some information being put into our minds. There is no space unless you consciously make space.
Danae Mercer
Wow, that's incredible. And what about, again, during quarantine, so many women really started to struggle with their body and their body image. And as someone who has gone through that whole eating disorder journey for me, whenever I start to challenge my body, it's often to do with my emotions or what's going on in my life. What would you say to women who are listening, who maybe are struggling right now with their body image?
Dr Saliha Afridi
You know, I would say this is, it's a tough one, but the body image is not to do with your body is I think you're absolutely accurate in saying that body image has a lot to do with our expectations of ourselves. It is a lot to do with our love for ourselves and all of these things we have internalized since we were children. This idea of who I should be, what I should look like, who what I should say, what I shouldn't say, all of these things from our families to our parents to our media, to our culture, all of these messages were actually taught to us.
So, you know, it's OK if you have body image issues. That makes you very normal, I think.
But what you now need to learn is to unlearn some of these messages and know that there is someone inside of you that is beyond all of this, that is beyond fitting into the perfect size jeans and like having the perfect hair or any of these other things that people worry about. But it's really about being connected to that being that is inside and behind all of this that has been with you your whole life, that you have sort of betrayed in the name of these messages.
And so and that's what it feels like to me Danae. It feels like to me that we betray ourselves again and again for these messages that we get that this is how you should look. But what about who I am and what about all the other things that I am other than my body? Right. And so thinking about it in a zooming out and first connecting with all the parts of you that are not your body, but then also realizing that these messages are not yours and that you can choose to keep them if you want and you can choose to let go of them if that's what you want.
But it does take courage, because if you let go of the messages that the society has handed you, then you need to be anchored in your own voice. Very much so. So you can't just like, let go of societal messages because you will come, you know, spiraling right back if you are not anchored in your own truth. So it is like a dance that you have to do simultaneously. This is going to be something you do to almost side by side that as you become more and more anchored in your own voice, your own truth, your own love, you love yourself rather than seeking love for other people, from other people, you look at yourself rather than having to be liked and looked at by other people.
When you start to do that, then the body image stuff will start to quieten down. And that work of unlearning some of these messages will become a little bit easier.
So I don't know if I answer that question, but I think body image is really not about body image, the body image issue. I would just basically say that it is a sign from the universe that you need to now, do your inner work. If you have body image issues, your body is telling you to go home, come home to your body and stop comparing it and shaming it, because that is not your truth and you are betraying yourself every time you do that.
Danae Mercer
That's I think you're spot on, I mean, of course, of course you're spot on. You're an incredibly accomplished medical expert. But one of the really interesting things I've seen, especially, again, over Covid and everyone being online, there have been certain influencers, like a woman named Stephanie Buttermore who so she's documented her whole weight gain journey. Stephanie used to be a bikini competitor and was incredibly underweight. And so, she went through this journey of allowing her body to eat as much as it needed to until she hit sort of her comfortable plateau weight and her body stopped gaining weight. And now she started to gently lose some of that way as her body finds its own balance again.
But she recently just came out with a real raw video saying how difficult she's found it to talk about some of this stuff, because every step of her journey she's been documenting and she gets so many responses, so many strong voices, so many people saying, do this, don't do that, this is wrong. This is right. And it becomes very overwhelming because it's about something so personal.
And I think even with the average person, that's kind of the feedback loop. It's easy to fall into with social media. Right. Like whether you talk about your own health during your fitness journey or you show a bikini picture or a picture with cellulite, we get that feedback loop. And so, I think it can be really hard just to stay in your own voice.
Dr Saliha Afridi
Absolutely. And this is where daily practices of reflection are going to be important, if not multiple times a day. If you are quite on social media to anchor yourself three or four times a day and who you are, why you're doing what you're doing, you're why has to be very clear on social media. And when you know why you are on there and then remind yourself of that and then you need to start tuning out some of those voices.
But body image is always about shame. And shame is the lowest frequency inside of all of us. And that's a shame whether it comes in the form of body image issues or eating disorder issues or anxiety issues or perfectionism issues, it's shame, shame that I am not OK in the way I am. And that's where the work needs to happen.
So where people start to obsess about bodies, it's not about the body, it's about your heart and it's about really being comfortable in that space and always also knowing.
Danae, I think it's important to say that no matter who you are, no matter where you come from and no matter how balanced you are and no matter how many times a day you meditate, the force of social media is extremely powerful, and you will get knocked down, I get knocked down, somebody sends a message and I'm like, oh, my God. And then it will loop in my head for like several minutes. But then I anchor myself again in my why. So, it's OK to feel jolted and bolt, you know, a little bit disoriented. But when it starts to take over your life, that's when you know you've gone into deep. But it's yeah, you're normal. If it hurts you, it's normal. If you, if people's feedback is upsetting you, if people are commenting and they're not being sensitive, of course it's normal. And, you know, the anonymity of social media allows the worst of people to come out. And there's all these accounts and all these people just saying things that they would never, ever, ever say to you, to your face.
But that's the worst of humanity, basically coming out, attacking you. So, yeah, you're going to get hurt. But you anchor yourself again in your wine and your voice and then you love yourself. And you should just know that you are the person on the battlefield who took that chance to put themselves out there and just be proud of that and be proud of that courage because everybody else is hiding behind a screen.
Danae Mercer
I love that idea. I love that any woman who chooses to stand in her own voice is essentially stepping out onto that battlefield and just saying, this is me. I believe in this. This is my why and I am here. And I think that's such an incredibly moving and powerful image.
Dr Saliha Afridi
Thank you.
Danae Mercer
and now Dr Saliha, I could go for ages, because this is just this has just been so incredible and fascinating. But I know you are a very busy woman. So, is there anywhere that people can find you, anywhere you'd like to point, folks?
Dr Saliha Afridi
Well, I am on Instagram @Dr.SalihaAfridi, but I also can be reached. Yeah, I think probably that's the best way. But Lighthouse Arabia is the clinic that I work out so they can email me through there or Instagram direct message usually is the best way for me to respond.
Danae Mercer
Alright fantastic. And would you like to leave our listeners with your favorite uplifting quote?
Dr Saliha Afridi
Oh, I have so many. But I think in The Lion King when Simba you know, I think if it was Mufasa saying to Simba this, remember who you are and that's it for me. That's the thing that I remind myself of who I am. I just want people to know that we've all forgotten who we are and we are powerful beyond measure and we are capable of so much. And we have a truth that exists inside of us if we only make space to remember who we are.
Danae Mercer
Great, well thank you so much so, so much. And guys, we will be uploading these podcasts at least once a month, sometimes twice a month. Please make sure to subscribe. And thank you for joining. Bye.