#411 - Is Perfectionism Your Glass Ceiling?

What if trying to be perfect is the very thing making you unhappy?

In this episode, Dr. Tarryn McCarthy speaks to high-achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals who feel weighed down by pressure, self-doubt, and the need to always get it right. She shares how perfectionism takes root in medicine and dentistry, why it can look like excellence on the outside, and how it quietly steals joy, freedom, and peace.

This episode is especially meaningful for high-achieving women in dentistry who carry so much and still feel like it is never enough. If success looks good on paper but does not feel good in real life, this conversation may help you see what is really standing in the way. Hit play and let this be the episode that breaks your old rules.

Show notes:
(3:03) The programming of perfectionism begins
(5:08) School teaches that perfection earns love
(9:23) Perfection spreads into every area
(11:47) Perfectionism is not a value
(13:47) Perfectionism keeps high achievers small
(21:47) Awareness creates freedom and choice
(26:19) Outro

_______________________

IMPORTANT LINKS:

Empower Her Retreat:
Dates: October 1–4, 2026
Location: Taos, New Mexico
Website: empowerherretreat.org

Connect with Dr. MacCarthy:
Email: tarryn@drtarrynmaccarthy.com

Book a call with Tarryn:
https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/bookings/happiness-and-prosperity-strategy-call

Unlock your inner peace and reclaim joy in your profession with the Nervous System Regulation For Dentists Course: https://www.thebizofhappiness.com/calm

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Taryn McCarthy, and this is the podcast where we put happiness first. (0:14) I help high-achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom.(0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when? (0:41) Well, my friend, the time is now.(0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the business of happiness. (0:54) Hello and welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:58) Hi, guys.(1:00) I'm your host, Dr. Taryn McCarthy, and today is going to be a phenomenal day. (1:06) We are in episode three of this really cool series that I'm supporting you with of identifying and revealing the things that have been keeping you small, holding you back, making you feel frustrated and trapped in medicine and dentistry, revealing things that are actually really in your power to shift and change. (1:32) You know, as we're stepping into this beginning of the year, the springtime, it really is just turning into spring here in Maine, we're revealing what has been hidden in the past, and we feel this energy really happening in the world around us.(1:49) And we get to use this energy to really have some self-reflection and some deeper insight. (1:56) So why have I been feeling so awful? (1:59) Why have I been feeling so uncomfortable?(2:03) Why is everything feeling not good enough? (2:05) Why am I not feeling good enough? (2:07) And that's what we're revealing in these episodes.(2:10) And today is a really powerful, exciting episode because today I'm going to share with you number two. (2:17) Last time we talked about the programming of busyness, this kind of inherent need to constantly be busy. (2:25) Why do I always feel that way?(2:27) Why do I have to fill up my days, even my days off? (2:30) Why do I have to fill them and have so much work to do and feel like there are never enough hours in the day? (2:37) Why does my whole life feel like it's on a treadmill at high speed?(2:42) And that's what we talked about last time. (2:45) So if you didn't catch episode 410, and this sounds like, oh my gosh, that's what I need to hear. (2:51) Please go back and listen to an amazing episode.(2:55) Today I'm revealing number two, the second programming, and I'm saying that word intentionally. (3:03) We're going to talk about what I mean, the programming of perfectionism. (3:08) And I want us to, as we step into this episode, just allow for a moment your beginner mind to show up as you're listening.(3:22) Let this be the first time you've heard about perfectionism. (3:25) Because I know we wrap so much self-judgment and so much defensiveness around perfectionism. (3:31) And I just want you to hear me out.(3:35) Perfectionism is a program. (3:37) It is a program that we've bought into as doctors and dentists. (3:42) It is a program that we have adopted.(3:47) It is a programming with purpose. (3:50) And today I want to just offer you the perspective of, wow, where have I bought into that program? (3:58) And how has it limited me in my life?(4:01) How has it kept me from experiencing life to the fullest, from enjoying my life? (4:08) I work so hard. (4:10) Why am I not enjoying this?(4:12) I've gone so far. (4:14) I've tried so many things. (4:16) I've really cared about people so deeply.(4:19) Why am I not feeling good? (4:21) Why am I not, at this point in my life, just enjoying every day? (4:25) I thought when I was going to be a doctor, I would be in this place of autonomy of my life, autonomy of how I feel, freedom of how to spend my days, feeling financially stable and supported, doing the work that I've dreamt of doing since I was little.(4:42) Why am I not feeling that good? (4:44) Why am I not feeling that fulfilled? (4:46) And today we're exposing the second programming, and that is that of perfectionism.(4:52) So where did this programming come from? (4:54) And why is it so entrenched in high-achieving women in medicine and dentistry? (5:02) Why is this perfectionism so deep and have such a stranglehold on us?(5:08) Well, the very obvious first place perfectionism was introduced was school. (5:13) The moment you got a perfect grade, it was celebrated. (5:18) It was reinforced.(5:20) You were given huge praise. (5:22) People were suddenly aware of your intelligence. (5:27) It felt really good.(5:28) And maybe in your family, that was the one time you got noticed. (5:33) Maybe in your friend group, that was the one time you got noticed, that perfect score. (5:39) And then you found out, oh, if I work really hard, I can actually get perfect scores quite often.(5:46) Your intelligence fed that. (5:49) Your grit, your willingness to sit down and deny yourself fun or rest or play or enjoyment, goofing off. (6:01) Your ability to just focus and get down to business actually got you perfection in grades.(6:10) So notice how that programming started to infiltrate right then and there. (6:15) If I do perfect, I get love, recognition. (6:22) I feel like I belong.(6:24) People see me as someone special. (6:27) And so the programming begins its infiltration. (6:30) And then it continued into medical and dental school, except now the stakes were much higher.(6:36) And the challenge of perfectionism was much greater because now you weren't just the smart one from your hometown. (6:44) You were the smartest one from your hometown, from your school, who then went to college in a really competitive college, who then you were the smartest of the smart ones. (6:56) Now you're in a group of people whose level of perfectionism when it comes to academia is off the charts.(7:05) And now your expectation of perfectionism gets really, really narrow. (7:11) Not only that, but in medical and dental school, we measure perfectionism by the millimeter. (7:18) Our expectation of ourselves becomes so intense.(7:24) Now, add in the fact that you're working on live human beings and the stakes feel much higher. (7:30) The pressure to get it perfect on this one tooth, they will never grow this tooth again. (7:38) You better get it right.(7:39) You also get compared to everyone around you and constantly told you're not good enough. (7:47) Am I right? (7:48) That public shaming that happens in medicine and dentistry reinforces the programming and the need to be perfect, to get it right.(7:59) The stakes feel higher. (8:01) The definition of good enough gets narrower and narrower and narrower. (8:06) And if it's not good enough, if it's not perfect, it's not good enough.(8:11) There's also now as we step into actually treating patients in the real world, there's the litigious threat. (8:18) Notice how the programming digs its nails into us deeper and deeper and deeper. (8:24) It's almost like these little tentacles you can imagine.(8:26) The litigious threat. (8:29) If you're charting and your decision making and your leadership of your team is not on point perfect, you might get sued. (8:39) You might get reported to the board.(8:41) You might get your license suspended. (8:44) So you better be perfect, not just in your treatment decisions, but in your patient care as a whole. (8:52) You're charting your leadership.(8:56) Otherwise, a team member might sue you. (8:59) Notice how that threat. (9:00) Now it's a threat of your livelihood, a threat of your ability to make money, a threat of your licensure, a threat of your dream that you have worked so hard towards.(9:13) If you're not perfect, that might all go away in the puff of smoke. (9:18) Notice the programming that infiltrates deeper and deeper and deeper. (9:21) And then something really interesting happens.(9:23) It's actually been happening all along. (9:25) That perfectionism starts to trickle into every other aspect of your life. (9:33) And the need to have a perfect body, a perfect marriage, a perfect house, a perfect parenting, a perfect way of raising your children.(9:44) Now your children need to be perfect. (9:47) Now your lawn needs to be perfect. (9:49) Now your house better be perfect.(9:50) When your friends come over, your relationships better be perfect. (9:55) You better be the perfect friend. (9:57) This need for perfectionism bleeds over everywhere.(10:02) And especially in our private lives, because we know somewhere deep down underneath it all, we know what matters most to us. (10:11) It's those relationships. (10:13) We know that our intimate relationships, our relationships with our loved ones is the most important thing.(10:19) If it all were to go away, there's a part of us that knows that. (10:22) So that better be perfect. (10:25) You better be a perfect mom.(10:26) You better be a perfect mom that shows up for everything. (10:30) And as I'm saying this, you realize perfectionism isn't a thing. (10:34) It's not a thing.(10:36) It's not possible. (10:37) Perfectionism in anything is not possible. (10:41) Not in a class 2 prep.(10:43) Not in a treatment plan. (10:44) Not in a patient management. (10:46) Not in healing patients.(10:48) Not in parenting. (10:49) Not in relationships. (10:50) Not in your body.(10:52) Not in an exam score. (10:54) It's not possible. (10:55) Perfectionism is not possible.(10:57) And yet it is a programming that we have bought into a long time ago that is constantly reinforced. (11:06) And what's really interesting is it's reinforced by our sense of value. (11:12) We tell ourselves, I really hold myself to a high level of excellence.(11:18) And I value that. (11:20) And there's something in our minds that we tell ourselves that perfectionism is a value. (11:26) If it wasn't for my perfectionism, I wouldn't be this far along.(11:29) If it wasn't for perfectionism, a constant pursuit of perfectionism, I might not strive to do my best for my patients. (11:37) I invite patients to come to this office. (11:40) I welcome people to this office because I value excellence, which we equate with perfectionism.(11:47) And I have a truth bomb for you here right now. (11:50) Perfectionism is not a value. (11:53) It is a trauma response.(11:54) That's it. (11:55) Because there's no such thing as perfect. (11:57) And here's another truth.(11:59) No one is holding you to perfectionism except you. (12:04) And this is where we start to realize, oh my gosh, it is a programming I bought into. (12:10) Because the truth is, even in medicine, we need to make mistakes.(12:16) I'm not telling you to go out there and be willy-nilly with your patients. (12:20) That's not what I'm saying. (12:21) I'm saying that our greatest understanding in medicine and dentistry, the greatest inventions, the greatest aha moments came from error.(12:33) In order to be compassionate and understand and meet your patient where they are, we need to see them as a whole person who isn't perfect. (12:42) And if we're constantly trying to impress a perfect outcome, a perfect treatment plan, a perfect timeline on an imperfect human, they feel worse. (12:54) They distrust you.(12:57) There is no such thing as perfect. (13:00) In parenting, and that's one of the hardest things for us to realize, there's no such thing as perfectionism in parenting. (13:06) There's no such thing as perfectionism in friendship, in relationship, in intimacy.(13:12) My husband and I are closer because of the challenges we've had in our marriage. (13:17) We love each other deeper because our relationship is not perfect. (13:22) The relationship I have with my children is deep and beautiful and trusting because of the mistakes I made and my ability to say, I am so sorry, my love.(13:36) Please understand that was me just in a time of so much stress, and I am so sorry I hurt you. (13:41) And here is your permission to not be perfect either because here's the problem with perfectionism. (13:47) It keeps you small.(13:49) It stops you from taking chances on your dreams. (13:53) It stops you from speaking up because we start telling ourselves, if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it all, at all. (14:00) You won't even start.(14:02) That book that you've been burning to write, well, if it's not going to be perfect, I don't even know how to start it. (14:08) I'm not going to take up this new hobby because I got to get it right. (14:13) If I can't do it perfectly, I'm not even going to try it.(14:16) Perfectionism keeps us hidden. (14:18) I'm not going to have this conversation with my team member because I'm afraid I don't know how to do it perfectly. (14:23) I'm afraid I'm going to get it wrong.(14:25) I'm not going to get it right. (14:27) And yet, taking a chance, trying something new, allowing it to be messy is how we learn and grow. (14:35) Every single step you took in your life was an opportunity to try something new, an opportunity to maybe mess it up, to be shaky, to be nervous, to get it wrong.(14:50) And then you learned from that. (14:52) It wasn't perfectionism that got you this far. (14:54) It was your courage to be messy and to make mistakes.(14:58) That's what actually got you this far. (15:00) It was your courage to say, I'm going to try. (15:02) Perfectionism is not a thing.(15:05) It is a trauma response. (15:06) And when I say it's a trauma response, notice what it does. (15:10) As a trauma response, it keeps you safe.(15:13) It protects you. (15:14) Don't do that thing, Taryn, because you can't do it perfectly. (15:19) So if I tell you you need to do it perfectly, maybe you won't try at all.(15:24) And then you won't be subject to other people's opinion, subject to other people's criticism, subject to a board complaint. (15:33) Don't take a chance. (15:35) Don't ask for what you need.(15:36) Don't try and own a practice. (15:39) Stay small. (15:41) Don't have that tricky conversation with your friend because you might not say the right things.(15:47) Notice how perfectionism actually keeps you small and is the opposite of rising to excellence. (15:56) We tell ourselves perfectionism is a value and a sense of excellence and our need to be an excellent provider, our need to be the very best is what drives us. (16:07) But no, it's actually what keeps you from being even more successful in your life.(16:12) And it keeps you from feeling good because the programming of perfectionism is what fuels imposter syndrome. (16:21) If you're constantly telling yourself, I have to get this right, I have to be perfect, I have to be better, there's a part of you that knows you're not perfect because you're human. (16:31) And right there, we become the imposter.(16:36) I'm going to pretend, I'm going to keep pretending, but there's a part of me deep inside that knows that I'm not good enough. (16:44) But really, the seed at the bottom of imposter syndrome is this programming of perfectionism. (16:49) That's it.(16:50) And buying into perfectionism is buying into that programming. (16:55) It keeps you from trusting yourself. (16:57) It keeps you from saying yes to your dreams.(16:59) It keeps you from your intuition. (17:02) It keeps you from happiness. (17:03) It keeps you from being messy.(17:07) It keeps you from letting go. (17:09) It keeps you from rest. (17:12) Perfectionism keeps you from rest.(17:14) It keeps you from recovery. (17:15) It keeps you from being silly. (17:17) It keeps you from living life to its fullest.(17:20) It keeps you from speaking up, asking for what you need. (17:24) So let's talk about the programming component. (17:27) When we expose this as programming, when you see it for what it is, and you go, oh my gosh, that is a program.(17:35) Your patients don't expect perfection. (17:37) Your kids don't expect perfection. (17:39) Your dog doesn't expect perfection.(17:41) Your friends don't expect perfection when they come to the house. (17:44) You realize, wow, this was a choice. (17:47) I bought into this.(17:50) And by the way, it makes so much sense. (17:52) Huge self-compassion. (17:54) It makes so much sense because all along the way, I kept getting this evidence from the outside world that the more perfect I was, the more I was accepted and loved and appreciated and celebrated.(18:08) But actually, I thought it was the perfectionism all the time. (18:11) It wasn't. (18:12) It was my willingness to listen to my intuition, to follow my dreams, to take a chance when I was shaking, to ask for help.(18:21) Wait a minute. (18:22) I bought into the perfectionism programming. (18:24) And this is so important because all it takes is the awareness of it.(18:28) I'm going to give you an example. (18:29) Today here in Maine, it is a rainy, gray day. (18:34) It is a little chilly.(18:36) We are so excited for spring. (18:38) In Maine, winters are long. (18:40) We are so ready for the sun to come out.(18:43) This is a part of what we experience in Maine. (18:46) And here in April, when it stays gray, it feels sad. (18:50) It feels dreary.(18:52) That's the rainy day emotion that you feel. (18:57) And yet, even that is a choice. (18:59) I grew up in South Africa where we had drought in the 80s.(19:05) It's a very arid land. (19:06) They still struggle with drought. (19:08) And when it rained, it was a celebration.(19:12) We would run outside and play in the rain and sing songs about rain. (19:18) We celebrated rain. (19:20) We danced.(19:21) We had songs about how good rain was. (19:23) Rain served so much. (19:26) It wet the land.(19:27) It allowed plants to grow. (19:29) It fed the animals. (19:31) Rain was a source of life and celebration.(19:34) So rainy days meant everyone was in a good mood. (19:37) We celebrated rain. (19:39) Notice, same day, two different cultural perspectives.(19:44) They're both a choice. (19:45) So this morning when I looked out and I saw the rain, I thought, oh, here we go. (19:51) Not only do I get to celebrate the rain, to feed these beautiful plants that are about to burst into spring, but rain to me is cozy.(20:03) I get to light the fireplace. (20:05) I get to slow down and be really present with everything I do. (20:09) This podcast is an example.(20:11) Oh, I knew this was going to be a good episode because I was going to fully just be present with this one. (20:17) For me, rainy days signify presence. (20:21) I'm doing one thing at a time.(20:23) I'm being fully focused. (20:25) I'm not multitasking. (20:27) It's a choice.(20:28) Notice that our perspective is a choice. (20:32) And so is your ability to decide to no longer buy into a programming. (20:38) That's all it takes.(20:39) The awareness, oh my gosh, I've bought into a programming. (20:43) I have bought into it to such an extent that I expect my body, this beautiful body that as a woman is not the same place any day in a month, is actually a different body every different day of the month. (20:58) I have been expecting it to be quote unquote perfect and show up the same every day to the gym.(21:03) Here I sit in front of you at 49 years old and I expect my body to be the same over 49 years? (21:11) The perfectionism or I'm supposed to get it more and more and more and more perfect? (21:15) Insane.(21:16) There's no such thing as perfectionism. (21:19) Look out the window at nature. (21:21) It doesn't exist.(21:22) The beauty and the strength and the success in life comes from recognizing you are not perfect. (21:29) Thank God for that. (21:31) We need you in your imperfection.(21:34) And this is where we get to choose. (21:36) What do I choose? (21:37) What am I going to no longer tolerate in the programming I have bought into?(21:42) It's the awareness and then the recognition of your power right now. (21:47) As a doctor, as a dentist, giving yourself permission to no longer strive for perfection because perfection is not a value. (21:58) It is a trauma response.(21:59) It is a programming that yes, even I bought into. (22:03) I wanted to be perfect at everything, running, cooking, parenting. (22:08) The way I displayed my house and it drove me crazy.(22:13) And the moment I became aware of, oh, wait a minute, perfectionism is not a thing. (22:17) Everything softened. (22:19) I showed up with more presence and humanity and compassion and love.(22:24) And by the way, intelligence in my dentistry. (22:28) I showed up with more compassion and love and permission for it to be messy in my parenting. (22:34) It was the one thing.(22:36) Perfectionism was the glass ceiling that was preventing me from greater success. (22:42) Isn't that interesting? (22:43) Perfectionism was the glass ceiling preventing me from greater success.(22:48) A glass ceiling of my own creation because no one outside was expecting it of me. (22:53) Perfectionism is a program. (22:55) And you becoming aware of it is an enormous superpower because you get to choose differently.(23:01) Just like you get to choose to see the rain differently. (23:05) It has no inherent meaning. (23:08) It is not depressing.(23:10) You get to choose to see it differently. (23:14) Perfection, your need for perfection, you get to choose to see it differently too. (23:20) That, by the way, is wisdom.(23:22) When you see it as a program and you see your autonomy to buy into it or not, you step into autonomy. (23:30) And this is the freedom that we've all been looking for. (23:33) This is the freedom where we all feel like there are not enough hours in the day, I don't have freedom of my time or my choices.(23:39) Guess what? (23:40) This is where it's found. (23:42) In identifying the programming that you've been buying into and seeing that you just as easily get to let it go.(23:51) So for this week, I have a great invitation for you. (23:55) Can you pay attention to where perfectionism is showing up in your life? (23:59) And when you notice it, can you choose to let go of that old programming because we have free will.(24:06) You have free will. (24:07) It doesn't matter how you were brought up. (24:10) Yes, there may have been wounding and traumas and there's a subconscious programming in you that if you're not perfect, you're not good enough.(24:17) And yes, I honor that. (24:20) And by the way, if you feel like that is true for you, please check out empowerherretreat.org, my retreat just for women doctors and dentists happening in October 2026 in Taos, New Mexico, where we help to heal those subconscious limitations. (24:39) And maybe you're listening now and you're going, oh no, perfectionism goes so much deeper, Taryn, than just choice.(24:46) I'm going to offer to you to check out empowerherretreat because that's where we do the healing in real life, in real person. (24:54) And right here, right now, you have choice. (24:58) You have choice.(24:59) And the first step in choice is the awareness of it, is to identify the programming of perfectionism that has come from your schooling, from your mentors, from Instagram, from society, this pressure to be perfect. (25:18) It is a programming that we get to put down. (25:21) And I invite you over the next week to just start noticing where have you bought into the perfectionism programming?(25:28) You do not have to be perfect in anything you do. (25:32) And the moment you accept yourself as imperfect, you give yourself so much more grace to get up and try again. (25:42) Motivation isn't about striving for perfection.(25:44) Motivation is about the permission to be imperfect and to keep saying yes to you and to recognize there is nothing wrong with you. (25:53) Notice how many people are profiting on you believing you need to be perfect. (25:58) Just notice.(26:00) In the world, in dentistry, in medicine, in the world, the products that are sold to you based on this programming that you need to be perfect. (26:10) And when we let go of that programming, how much more freedom you have. (26:14) Because letting go of the programming allows you to finally love yourself and feel good.(26:19) And when you feel good, you know where this is going. (26:23) That is when you can do good. (26:25) Bye-bye.(26:27) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast. (26:31) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review. (26:41) And if you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day.(26:49) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com. (27:00) See you there.