#414 - The Biggest Reason To Stop People Pleasing Isn’t You

Are you saying yes because it feels right, or because you are afraid someone will be upset?

In today’s episode, Dr. Tarryn McCarthy speaks to high-achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals and high-achieving women in dentistry who are tired of carrying everyone else’s comfort. She shares why people-pleasing is so common in medicine and dentistry, how it can damage patient care, team culture, leadership, and personal happiness, and why strong boundaries can actually be a higher form of service.

This episode is a clear reminder that you can be kind, caring, and excellent without losing yourself in the process. Listen now and learn how better boundaries can make you a stronger, calmer, and happier provider.

Show notes:
(1:54) How people-pleasing hurts dental leaders
(3:31) When one patient crosses boundaries
(6:18) Why pleasing patients lowers care
(9:02) People-pleasing team members into resentment
(11:01) Why do medicine and dentistry train pleasing
(16:08) You are not responsible for pain
(21:17) Better care starts with boundaries
(26:12) Outro

_______________________

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (0:08) And this is the podcast where we put happiness first.(0:14) I help high-achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom. (0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when?(0:41) Well, my friend, the time is now. (0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the business of happiness. (0:54) Hello, guys.(0:56) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:59) Hello, my friends. (1:00) Welcome back.(1:01) It is another beautiful day. (1:04) It is going to be another great day. (1:05) And I'm Dr. Taryn McCarthy here to support you in all things, returning to yourself, finding yourself, being true to yourself, and honoring who you are and the truth of who you are in this business of medicine and dentistry and returning you to the business of truly finding happiness and fulfillment for yourself. (1:29) So welcome. (1:31) And I just want to honor you for making this a priority, making this an intention in your life and recognizing that there is so much more to life than the stress and the overwhelm and the expectations and that there is such wealth and fulfillment and satisfaction when you can return to what's true to you. (1:54) And today's focus is on how people-pleasing is a programming in medicine and dentistry, in highly successful women like you, that hurts not just you because it does, right?(2:11) We know that already. (2:12) It's the people-pleasing that's so draining and exhausting, but it's actually hurting the very people you think you are helping. (2:21) So let's get excited about this.(2:23) This is a really big, exciting topic because sometimes we just need this to be illuminated for us. (2:29) What we think is doing the best for others is actually hurting them. (2:33) And I have this beautiful dentist that I want to share an experience of her story with you.(2:41) She has a patient who has been really pushing the limit every single time she's come into the practice. (2:49) She has been demanding, being seen at certain times. (2:53) She has been aggressive.(2:55) We all know these patients, right? (2:57) She has been loud in the waiting room, in the reception area. (3:01) And, you know, they've kind of overstepped their boundaries a little bit.(3:06) There have been clear boundaries that we established with treatment times for specific treatment appointments, and she's pushed that. (3:13) This team has gone out of their way to accommodate her and, you know, given her even a little discount here and there and really kowtowed to her demands. (3:25) Pleasing, this people-pleasing behavior, right?(3:28) Even at the level of the team. (3:31) And there was something that an associate did for her procedure, and she absolutely got very upset about this. (3:42) And so the owner of the practice, instead of the associate taking this on and really navigating it, the associate was very uncomfortable, was very upset at this behavior from the patient, felt like she was unfairly attacked.(3:58) So the owner of the practice said, you know what? (4:01) I will take this patient on. (4:04) Let me navigate it.(4:05) So she took on this patient in terms of her taking care of her treatment. (4:10) So another boundary was crossed. (4:13) Another moment where my client really had the intention of having her associate take more work off of her shoulders, really taking on these bigger cases, and then here we go.(4:26) She stepped in, people-pleasing again for the associate, taking this challenging patient off her hands. (4:34) And now this patient again starts making bigger demands on when she wants to be seen, outside of my client's regular hours, days that she's not working, demanding that she comes in and sees her. (4:48) And because she's so loud and volatile, it incites a little bit of fear, right?(4:54) She gets a little angry. (4:56) She threatens the, you know, reporting my client to the board. (5:01) She threatens suing.(5:02) Now we've escalated the tension and the fear. (5:06) We've escalated the need for people-pleasing. (5:08) And so this goes on and on and on.(5:10) And you can imagine this incredibly capable, phenomenal woman dentist owning a really high-level dental practice, taking excellent care of her patients, also recognizing that she can't do everything for everyone. (5:28) So she's hired an incredible team, an associate she really trusts. (5:32) And now the stress starts coming home with her.(5:36) This people-pleasing has now started to take a toll on her because she's lying awake worrying about this patient. (5:43) She's dreading the appointment. (5:46) She already had to cancel something with her son because now she has to instead go see this patient on a day that she wouldn't ordinarily be working.(5:55) And she has to miss her son's track meet. (5:58) So on and so forth. (6:00) It keeps going.(6:01) And now we see that people-pleasing is definitely impacting the happiness and clearly the success, the financial success of this incredible, brilliant dentist. (6:18) So we can see from outside, we can see how this people-pleasing is actually hurting her. (6:25) And oh my gosh, as I'm telling the story, aren't you remembering moments of your own people-pleasing?(6:29) Okay. (6:30) But what I would love for you to see from an outsider's perspective is how this isn't benefiting the patient either. (6:37) Please notice here is a patient who many times in her life has gotten what she wants because she just gets angry.(6:47) She starts throwing threats of litigation. (6:50) She starts being aggressive and loud in treatment areas and in reception areas. (6:56) And notice how this behavior has very likely followed her from dentist to dentist to dentist, maybe even hairdressers or doctor's offices or the school.(7:08) We can see how this behavior of really just getting loud and aggressive and angry, she probably uses this as a go-to resource for herself. (7:18) And every time someone engages and plays along and gives her what she needs, she learns to do so more. (7:30) But what's really happening on the other side is resentment, frustration.(7:36) She's not getting the same level of care that she could. (7:40) Notice how it's actually getting her sub-excellent care because now she's not being treated the same way everyone is being treated. (7:53) Now, every time someone comes into contact with her, they're beginning to make decisions about treatment plans and the way they speak to her from a protective place, from a people-pleasing place, and not from a place of clarity or compassion, but more from a place of fear.(8:16) And I want you to just imagine for a moment if one person said no, did not engage with this behavior, how this might impact her to think differently or act differently in the future and maybe start shifting the way she shows up in medical offices. (8:37) Just pay attention to that for a moment. (8:39) Notice how sometimes when we people-please, we're actually hurting the person that we're going out of our way for, that we're people-pleasing from a place of fear or needing to win them over for some reason.(8:57) It's actually not supporting them either. (9:00) Let me give you another example. (9:02) Team members.(9:04) Very often in medicine and dentistry, we will go so far for people-pleasing our team members because we're trying to avoid someone leaving, right? (9:14) When have you noticed that behavior in yourself as a leader? (9:17) When there's really someone on your team that you think, gosh, this person's not stepping up to the plate.(9:22) I need to really have a conversation with this team member because they're showing up late. (9:28) They're not fulfilling on their expectations of their job description. (9:32) But I'm just going to kind of let that go.(9:35) I'm going to say yes to her request for a raise. (9:40) I'm going to just make it nominal because everyone else is getting a raise. (9:44) And even though she's not really exceeding her expectations, I'm going to give her a raise because I don't want her to leave me.(9:50) Because I'm so scared that if she's not happy working here, she might leave me. (9:57) And then what? (9:58) I've got to try and find somebody else in this climate.(10:00) And notice how it's supporting that person to keep coming in late. (10:07) It's reinforcing that they don't need to change anything. (10:13) But actually what starts happening is a silent, quiet resentment on your part as the leader.(10:19) And sometimes putting someone in that uncomfortable place of saying no to a raise because they haven't actually exceeded their job description. (10:31) They haven't actually earned that raise gives them pause to realize, wait a minute, I think I need to make a different choice in my life. (10:37) I need to make a different decision in my life.(10:40) So often we enable people by playing this game of people pleasing, enable the behavior and do it from a place of fear and not a place of love. (10:55) Not a place of respect and appreciation. (10:59) Okay, so let's go into this a little bit more.(11:01) Why does this happen in dentistry? (11:03) Why do we do this? (11:04) Why do we actually partake in this people pleasing so much?(11:09) And it bleeds over into our personal lives, right? (11:12) It's because we were taught at a really early age to people please. (11:17) We were taught to impress our teachers.(11:20) And in medicine and dentistry, when you impressed a teacher, you got a lot of great feedback for it. (11:26) And our professors, right? (11:29) Impress your professors and then you got a good grade.(11:32) And then impress your professors, please them, even if it's not something you necessarily agree with. (11:39) And in medicine and dentistry, we're also trained to take people out of pain. (11:44) We're trained to please our patients.(11:47) We're trained to make them comfortable. (11:51) We're taught that our patients' needs come first. (11:54) And there's this deep desire in us, really deep, coming from really young age, of wanting people to like us.(12:05) Wanting people to say, geez, you did a really good job. (12:08) Or, you know what, no one's ever gone out of their way that much for me. (12:11) But you really went out of your way for me.(12:14) And we take that as a badge of honor. (12:16) Some people learn that if they just pleased people beyond their expectations or just say yes to them, then they'll keep coming back. (12:25) It's this deep human need to be loved or approved of.(12:32) You know, if I make this the best work environment possible, then she'll stay working with me. (12:38) And I wouldn't have to face trying to hire a new hygienist. (12:41) If I said yes over and over and over to more time off, if I don't give her any reason to be uncomfortable, if this is like the easiest part of her life, then she'll stay here.(12:54) If I don't sign up for at least half of these soccer game snacks, then the parents will not like me anymore. (13:02) So let me please them. (13:04) It's so subconscious, isn't it?(13:05) Let me please the other soccer moms by making sure I sign up for more snacks than I really have energy or time to do. (13:14) If I give her a discount on her treatment, then she will stay here. (13:21) She won't choose to go somewhere else.(13:23) And there's also this silent fear of repercussion. (13:26) I talked about that with that example of my client and her patient, where her patient was really talking about suing her or taking her to the board. (13:36) Well, now we get our little fear-based selves in on the game and we start thinking, oh my gosh, let me just please her even more.(13:45) Fear of repercussion, when someone does something hurtful or threatens something hurtful, or even a bad Google review, we try to avoid those so we people-please and go out of our way. (13:58) And the fear of repercussion can actually drive us to compensate with people-pleasing. (14:04) And the reason why so often that can actually harm the other person is, especially in terms of treatment plans, is we sometimes, without knowing, we alter the treatment plan, not from a place of what's best for them, but really from a place of avoiding conflict, avoiding repercussion.(14:25) I mean, I definitely had experienced that in my life. (14:28) I mean, can't you remember a treatment plan? (14:30) I remember these phrases like no good deed goes unpunished.(14:34) It's not the good deed. (14:36) It's that, have you gone beyond what you think is a good decision? (14:43) Have you gone to people-pleasing?(14:46) The good deeds, those are always great, but is the deed that you're doing coming from a place of love or a place of avoidance and fear? (14:56) That's the real point here. (15:00) The action might be the same, but where is it coming from?(15:03) Is it coming from really loving someone and knowing this is what's best for you? (15:08) Or is it coming from really wanting to please that person so that they keep thinking that you're the best? (15:16) But none of this is actually true.(15:18) None of the people-pleasing drivers is actually true. (15:24) It's a programming. (15:26) It's a programming that we've bought into.(15:28) And I like using this word programming because when you recognize it as a programming, you realize that it's not who you are. (15:37) I think for so long, I would beat myself up and say, oh my gosh, I'm just so nice. (15:43) I'm too nice to everyone.(15:44) I'm such a people-pleaser. (15:46) And I thought it was who I was. (15:49) The truth is you can still be nice and kind and loving.(15:52) In fact, you are even more kind and loving when you identify people-pleasing as a programming. (15:59) Something outside of you. (16:01) Something that's been installed in you that you get to choose differently.(16:08) Because here's the truth. (16:11) You are not, even as a doctor, even as a dentist, even as a mom, you are not responsible for other people's pain. (16:22) Even as a healthcare provider, even as someone who is literally doing the work to take people out of pain, you are not responsible for other people's pain.(16:31) Boom. (16:32) Sometimes people need to feel the discomfort. (16:36) Let's take an example of you put in a crown and now it has secondary decay two years later.(16:46) And that person comes back and says, oh, see, now I've got to redo this crown. (16:50) You have to do it for free. (16:51) But the discomfort of them having to pay for a new crown might be the awakening they need to start brushing and flossing.(16:59) Might be the moment where they realize, wow, I have more autonomy over my life than I've ever realized. (17:06) Because in the past I've made it everyone else's fault. (17:09) And today I'm realizing, oh, if I brush my teeth and floss my teeth every day, I can actually avoid this from happening.(17:17) I have more power than I ever realized. (17:21) Notice how just holding people accountable for their own actions, especially when it's uncomfortable, is sometimes the best gift you can give. (17:32) It is the best level of care that you can give.(17:37) Sometimes people need to feel that discomfort. (17:40) No. (17:42) Actually, you're not eligible for a raise.(17:45) Sometimes those are the words we need to hear. (17:49) Wow, I need to step back and reevaluate my priorities right now. (17:53) Because I asked for a raise, even in this climate where everybody's doing everything to keep their team members.(18:02) What is it that I need to self-reflect on? (18:04) What conversation do I need to have? (18:06) What training do I need to ask for?(18:09) What systems need to shift in my life so that I am eligible for a raise? (18:15) And here's another really important truth. (18:19) Not everybody's going to like you.(18:21) Even if you're the best dentist, you're the best doctor, you're the best mom, you're the best wife, you're the best leader. (18:29) Not everybody's going to like you. (18:31) And they shouldn't.(18:33) Because that is not the reality of our world. (18:36) I used to have a coach who'd say this to me. (18:38) You're not pizza.(18:39) You're not for everyone. (18:40) And once we can give up that desire of pleasing everyone, people-pleasing actually drops away. (18:48) You don't need to please everyone.(18:51) It's not in their best interest and it's not in yours. (18:55) And the truth is, if someone isn't going to like you, they're not going to like you no matter what you do. (19:01) That patient who keeps yelling about the treatment and she's frustrated about the hours that you work and she's frustrated about the cost of the treatment, there is nothing you're going to put in her mouth that she is going to be pleased with.(19:17) There is no accommodation that she's going to come back and say, oh my gosh, you're the best. (19:22) We know that from the beginning. (19:24) We have this little intuitive knowing.(19:26) You know that patient where you think, oh my God, I'm dreading treating her. (19:31) I'm dreading. (19:32) I went out of my way.(19:33) I overstepped my own boundaries. (19:36) I prioritized her needs over my son's. (19:39) You know those moments when people-pleasing has robbed you of how you want to feel.(19:46) You know that's your intuition. (19:49) That patient isn't going to be happy with anything you do. (19:52) And here's the truth.(19:53) You do not need to treat every person. (19:57) And not every person needs to work on your team. (20:02) Even in a climate where it's difficult to find new, fresh team members.(20:09) Because the truth is that a toxic team member on your team is so much more toxic, we'll keep using that word, than looking for somebody, than the discomfort of looking for somebody new. (20:25) The truth is holding on to and pleasing someone on your team just to prevent losing them is so much more harmful to your team than just recognizing it and making that decision from the beginning or having the conversation. (20:42) And it isn't true that that difficult conversation always ends up in someone leaving.(20:48) Sometimes the difficult conversation, when it's held in a beautiful, loving way, allows people to be seen and take accountability for themselves and make a new choice and not leave. (21:00) How many times in your life have you had an uncomfortable moment where someone said no, where someone didn't do what you asked them to and you realized your power in the situation was actually a great learning point for you and a moment of growth? (21:17) The truth is as healthcare providers, as dentists and doctors, you are better able to care for your patients, to give them an even better level of care when you don't try to please them.(21:34) When you offer treatment proposals that are impartial to their demands, yes, of course we pay attention to their needs. (21:42) We pay attention to, you know, she has four other children and it might be difficult for her to bring this fifth child to her ortho appointment, so let's make a different plan for how we create this treatment plan. (21:57) Absolutely.(21:58) That's not people pleasing. (21:59) People pleasing is when you're going out of your way in a way that doesn't feel in alignment to you. (22:08) Let's notice the difference because you know the difference in your body and this is where I'm inviting you to get more in touch with your body.(22:17) When you make a decision that is outside of the norm, with patients, with team members, with friends, you know the difference between people pleasing, which has underneath it an uncomfortable, I'm really doing something I don't want to do, this doesn't feel good in my body, versus going out of your way in a way of excellence. (22:45) Really looking at the situation and saying, okay, not everyone falls into a single category. (22:51) Not everyone is a recipe for treatment.(22:54) This person needs something a little different. (22:56) So actually I'm going to propose this. (22:58) We're going to actually do this differently.(23:00) And it doesn't step on my boundaries. (23:04) It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. (23:06) I'm actually feeling really good about this.(23:08) And sometimes it does mean you go out of your way, but not in a way that is robbing you of your needs. (23:17) Not in a way that is making you feel uncomfortable. (23:19) And here's the determinant, how it feels.(23:23) That's it. (23:24) It's in your body. (23:26) It's not an intellectual process.(23:28) How does it feel? (23:30) How does it feel to say, you know what, I am going to see you one more time. (23:36) Even though this is not something that you're paying me for, I really want to see you one more time.(23:40) Let's see you next week on the schedule. (23:42) How does that feel? (23:43) Does that feel integrous?(23:46) Does it feel aligned? (23:47) Or does it feel like taking advantage of you? (23:50) Only you know.(23:52) Only you know. (23:53) And this is a really important moment. (23:56) I think going forward into the world of AI, going forward into leaning into AI more, and having that discernment of where AI can serve us in medicine and dentistry, and personally, getting in touch with your own body and how it feels in your body is more important than ever.(24:16) Because that is the truth-sayer within you. (24:19) Because your truth, and that line of where people-pleasing is, is not true for anybody else. (24:28) And we can ask chat GPT, what should I do?(24:32) We can ask AI to support us in decision-making, and sometimes it's to our benefit, because AI can remain very impartial, right? (24:42) Because it's not being activated by fear. (24:45) But only you know what is right for you.(24:50) And only you know when a decision is being made from a place of fear or love. (24:59) And that is the core of people-pleasing. (25:03) Am I doing this from a place of fear that you'll leave me, that you'll stop loving me, that you might hurt me?(25:11) Or am I saying yes from a place of love, a feeling purposeful, a feeling good about myself and the treatment that I deliver, about the leadership that I offer, about the parenting? (25:25) Where is this coming from? (25:27) And only your body can know.(25:30) So the answer is, always go to your body. (25:34) Always go to your body and recognize where this programming of people-pleasing has attached, and are you leaning into that programming for love and connection? (25:46) Or are you able to step outside of it and recognize the action or the decision that you're making is from a place of wholeness and integrity and intelligence and self-compassion and compassion for the other person?(26:04) Because that discernment is only within you. (26:09) Because, and here's my famous phrase, you know it's coming, when you feel good, you can do good. (26:15) Now the question is, how do you feel?(26:19) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast. (26:23) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review. (26:32) And if you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day.(26:40) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com. (26:51) See you there.