#416 - The Emotion Women Dentists Were Never Allowed To Feel

In today’s episode of The Business of Happiness, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy speaks to high-achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals and high-achieving women in dentistry about the hidden power of anger. She shares a personal story about family conflict, old wounds from business and dentistry, and the moment she realized her anger was pointing to pain that still needed care.

This episode is for women leaders, dentists, doctors, and healthcare providers who are used to staying calm, caring for everyone else, and pushing their own feelings aside. You will learn why healthy anger can lead to clarity, healing, better boundaries, stronger leadership, and more real happiness.

Show notes:
(2:29) Why anger affects happiness
(6:37) A family moment triggers anger
(9:29) Old wounds come forward
(13:45) Anger leads to a clearer truth
(19:04) The beach ball anger example
(24:23) Anger can fuel real change
(29:06) Suppressed anger blocks joy
(30:49) Outro

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IMPORTANT LINKS:

Empower Her Retreat:
Dates: October 1–4, 2026
Location: Taos, New Mexico
Website: empowerherretreat.org

Connect with Dr. MacCarthy:
Email: tarryn@drtarrynmaccarthy.com

Book a call with Tarryn:
https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/bookings/happiness-and-prosperity-strategy-call

Unlock your inner peace and reclaim joy in your profession with the Nervous System Regulation For Dentists Course: https://www.thebizofhappiness.com/calm

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (0:08) And this is the podcast where we put happiness first.(0:14) I help high achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom. (0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when?(0:41) Well, my friend, the time is now. (0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the business of happiness. (0:54) Hello and welcome to the business of happiness.(0:58) Hello, hello. (1:00) Welcome back. (1:01) I am your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy, and it is going to be a phenomenal day. (1:08) It is going to be a phenomenal week to step back into your power and to recognize where you have been silencing yourself when it comes to allowing yourself to process anger. (1:28) This, my friends, is like the big A word that none of us want to ever experience or admit to or feel or be, anger. (1:41) And today we are uncovering it all.(1:43) Today we are looking into anger within you, your anger, not other people's, yours, and uncovering and discovering the power of it. (1:57) I know, how crazy is that? (2:00) Here at the business of happiness, where I talk about love and support and caring and that's who you are, this powerful woman who is so supportive and loving and drawn to the field of taking care of everyone else, healing people, holding people, really caring deeply about where they're coming from and what's going on in their lives, loving mothers, loving leaders.(2:29) And today we're talking about anger and the power and the necessity of it. (2:37) And why you not allowing yourself to process anger is actually what's keeping you from experiencing greater happiness, greater fulfillment, greater freedom, greater access to your agency and sovereignty, your autonomy in your life. (3:04) Could it be, and this is what we're exploring today, that the very thing preventing you from living the life of your dreams is your refusal, not your inability, your refusal to feel and process anger.(3:23) Because anger is one of the most uncomfortable emotions that we have been preventing ourselves from experiencing as women healthcare providers, as women leaders, as high achieving women who have achieved so much despite so many things against us. (3:47) Anger is the one place that we have not allowed ourselves to properly, in a healthy way, process. (3:55) So yeah, I'm not saying you haven't felt anger in your life because you probably have.(4:00) But my question is, have you processed it in such a way that honors the way you feel? (4:05) I mean fully, so that you can heal that part of you that has been wronged and then take action from a place not sourced from anger, but sourced from empowerment. (4:19) What?(4:21) Mm-hmm. (4:22) Here's where we're going today. (4:24) And I'm going to share with you the story that uncovered this for me, that really brought this to light.(4:30) My kids are home for the summer. (4:33) My two college-age kids are home. (4:35) Oh my God, I had the best Mother's Day.(4:38) I had both of my college-age kids home and my high schooler. (4:43) My whole home was full. (4:45) I had my mom over.(4:47) It was an amazing Mother's Day for me. (4:49) I had my nest full. (4:51) So good.(4:51) I'm so, so, so grateful. (4:55) And in this time that my son has been home, and you know, if you've been listening to the Business of Happiness podcast, you know that when he left for college, I cried for three straight weeks. (5:08) I was so sad.(5:09) He just completed his freshman year. (5:11) I miss this boy, this man, so, so much. (5:15) I love and adore him, and he is, as are all my kids, as you all mamas know, one of my greatest teachers.(5:23) Our children are our greatest teachers. (5:26) And my son represents so much new awareness and awakening and learning about myself. (5:34) He has taught me so much because I've chosen to learn.(5:39) He and I have butted heads for so long. (5:43) I mean, there is deep love there, deep, deep love, and he and I have butted heads. (5:48) And in that butting, I've learned so much about myself.(5:51) And he's back home. (5:55) You can imagine all those moms out there who know this, and maybe you experienced this yourself. (5:59) That first summer back from your finally achieved independence is rough because suddenly you come home and there are rules.(6:10) Wait a minute. (6:12) I've just come from college where there were no rules. (6:14) I didn't have to be accountable to anyone at any time.(6:18) My dishes were just done in the dormitory. (6:20) I didn't have to clean up after myself. (6:23) I didn't have to let anyone know where I was going to be during the day.(6:26) And no one asked me to contribute to anything like taking out the trash. (6:31) So we've been dancing a little bit over the past few days and weeks since he's been home. (6:37) And, yeah, there was something ignited in a conversation the other day where the details don't matter, but I got angry.(6:48) I was pissed. (6:50) I did not like being spoken to that way. (6:53) And there was a moment there where we had some words with each other.(6:58) And I went upstairs and I spoke to my husband and I was irritated. (7:03) I was mad. (7:04) I was frustrated.(7:06) And I was just kind of complaining to my husband and trying to get him on my side and really show my husband, Gillian, this is where he's going wrong and he's not respecting our house. (7:19) And the conversation continued and kept going along about my day. (7:25) I was folding laundry, getting things done, getting ready for bed, so on.(7:30) Kept going with the day. (7:31) But notice, never actually processing my anger. (7:37) Went to bed, kind of annoyed, irritated.(7:42) And I want you to note the words that I'm using. (7:45) Frustrated, irritated, annoyed. (7:48) Didn't sleep great last night.(7:50) Didn't love the conversation I had with my son. (7:53) Woke up this morning still a little bit irritated and annoyed. (7:57) Notice those words.(7:58) Not feeling good in my body. (7:59) I even had like a little digestive issue going on. (8:03) Just not feeling good.(8:04) Not feeling like my usual happy, business of happiness, empowered self. (8:11) And I was driving back from dropping my daughter off at school. (8:15) And I allowed myself a full-bodied scream.(8:20) First of all, my car is my safe space. (8:23) I process so many great emotions in there. (8:26) This is a great life suggestion and permission slip I'm offering you right now as a high achieving, highly accomplished, high responsibility, highly caring woman.(8:41) Car, in your car, might be your safe space. (8:44) It is where I process emotion. (8:46) Nobody else is around.(8:47) No one can hear me. (8:48) It is my sweet spot. (8:50) I have cried so many tears in that car.(8:53) And I have screamed so loudly in that car. (8:57) And that primal scream releasing the anger that was building up in me. (9:05) I allowed myself, I pulled over and I let out a full-bellied, roaring scream at the top of my lungs in the car.(9:18) It felt amazing. (9:19) It felt so good to release that scream. (9:24) It felt so amazing to allow myself to do that.(9:29) And what happened next was the tears. (9:33) I started crying. (9:35) And I realized when I was crying, and I'm becoming emotional thinking about it right now, what I realized was it was reminding me of in my 20s and 30s and 40s, but early wounding of when men gaslit me as a professional in medicine and dentistry, in business, when a man told me that what I was thinking, feeling, asking for was wrong.(10:10) And my son was representing that. (10:14) Yes, of course, there was a certain amount of respect that I would appreciate from my children. (10:22) Yes.(10:22) And I also know very clearly that he's navigating coming back from school where he had all this independence to now fitting himself back into a family that has responsibilities and supports each other. (10:36) And I know that intellectually. (10:37) But in the moment, he was lighting up an old wound in me that was so angry at how I had been treated in the past.(10:50) There was a time specifically that came up for me when I opened up my orthodontic practice, my most recent one. (10:58) And it was in 2016. (11:03) And I was going to rent a space, this beautiful space that was perfectly located.(11:10) It was zoned for a dental practice. (11:13) It had never had a dental practice in it before. (11:15) Everything was perfect for it.(11:17) Great signage right off the highway. (11:19) Great location. (11:20) And the landlord was, we were going through the motions.(11:24) Everything was great. (11:25) Up until the very last minute, the landlord asked me to have my husband cosign. (11:32) I had a fully functional business.(11:35) I had assets and liability. (11:39) I had all these things that they had asked of me. (11:41) I had insurance, life insurance.(11:44) I had a lien on my house. (11:46) And they still required a husband to cosign on the real estate, the renting of this real estate. (11:56) I have never signed for anything my husband has ever rented.(12:00) I have never been asked as the wife to cosign for anything he's rented in any of his businesses. (12:07) Never. (12:09) And here I was in 2016 being asked to get my husband's permission, my husband's reassurance, my husband's backup.(12:18) And I was so angry. (12:21) Isn't it interesting that this came up when I screamed in the car processing the anger that I had towards my son. (12:30) And I realized, oh my gosh, something about this is reminding me of that.(12:36) And I never let that woman from 2016 get really pissed, get really angry. (12:45) I never allowed her to process it. (12:47) I never allowed her to feel the pain of that wrongdoing.(12:52) She was wronged. (12:54) That is not right. (12:55) The system we have is not right.(12:58) It is not right that we as powerful women are asked to do this over and over and over again, gaslit and told that we're not good enough as women simply because we are women as business owners, simply because we are women in leadership. (13:19) And I hadn't processed that. (13:21) And I realized, oh my gosh, this is not about my son.(13:24) This is about something else that's coming up right now. (13:26) And I realized, wow, there is so much there that I haven't loved myself through, that I haven't given myself permission to heal. (13:39) And I tell you this story because that is the power of anger.(13:45) Because I was able to go back to my son and say, whew, Leaf, I've got to talk to you about this. (13:51) I am sorry about that conversation that we had last night that got really heated inappropriately. (13:57) I just allowed myself to process that anger, and I realized this wasn't about you.(14:01) Now, we do have some boundaries in this family, and if you're going to take the car, there are some requirements here. (14:09) And so, I'm just going to share that with you from a very level-headed space, from a very clear-headed space, from a very open-hearted space, an empowered space. (14:20) Because now I've processed that, and I realized, whew, that really had nothing to do with you.(14:24) Something, my love, around the way you said it really triggered that in me, and I had no idea until I actually let myself feel the anger. (14:34) And I realized, whew, this is not about you. (14:38) And now we can move forward.(14:42) Notice how when you process anger, several things happen. (14:49) Number one, truth comes forward. (14:54) Clarity comes forward.(14:57) I realized this was not about him. (14:59) This was about something completely different. (15:02) This was about another anger in the past that I hadn't given myself permission to really process.(15:09) That is probably the most powerful component of processing anger is we get back to our truth. (15:18) That's so huge. (15:20) That is so powerful.(15:23) Another thing that happened is I allowed that part of me that's been hurting for 10 years to be seen. (15:31) 10 years ago this happened. (15:34) And I have been suppressing that pain for that long.(15:39) And it wanted to bubble up now. (15:41) Okay. (15:43) It wanted to bubble up now.(15:44) Now I get to heal and love that woman, that incredible woman who had an incredible business plan, who not only had an incredible business plan, but put it in place and then built a beautiful business that was so profitable. (16:00) That never defaulted a single month on those payments, on those rent payments. (16:07) Never needed to dip into the lien.(16:09) That went all through COVID not making any additional money and kept paying that rent monthly. (16:16) Never needed her husband to step in and cover the cost of rent. (16:21) She's so powerful.(16:22) And she knew it. (16:24) She knew it in 2016 before she even opened her doors. (16:27) She had that intuition.(16:29) She had belief in her. (16:31) And I love her. (16:33) And today I gave myself permission to just honor her and hold her and say, sweetheart, you are so capable.(16:41) Do not listen to that man that's telling you not to believe in yourself. (16:47) That's telling you you're not good enough. (16:51) But it required anger for me to get to that place of healing.(16:57) And that is the power of anger. (17:00) We suppress ourselves from feeling anger. (17:03) And it makes so much sense that we do because we're treating patients.(17:09) We're holding a safe space for patients. (17:12) They are literally opening their mouths to us as dentists. (17:16) So vulnerably.(17:18) Putting themselves in our hands. (17:21) Of course we can't be processing anger over a patient's mouth when they're being so vulnerable. (17:29) Of course we can't ask someone to trust us with a needle and a scalpel and a handpiece when we're angry, when we have that air and that energy and that demeanor of anger.(17:42) No. (17:43) Of course when we're leading a team and we're inspiring hope and we're inspiring vision for the future and we're inspiring them to have confidence for change and growth, we can't be holding anger. (17:58) That doesn't inspire.(18:01) We know that. (18:02) Anger only fuels fear and that's not sustainable. (18:07) So of course our intuition is very strong there.(18:10) Sweetheart, there's no room for anger here. (18:12) So what do we do? (18:13) We suppress it.(18:14) Of course we can't hold anger over our kids. (18:18) Maybe we've done it once or twice and we realize, wow, that's not working. (18:22) It's not sustainable either.(18:23) It's not loving. (18:24) We don't feel good about it. (18:25) So what do we do?(18:26) We tell ourselves, I don't want to feel angry. (18:29) We don't give ourselves a permission to do that. (18:31) Maybe something happened in the morning.(18:33) Maybe a patient said something just the wrong way and you felt angry about it. (18:38) And what do we do? (18:39) We push it down because now's not the right time.(18:43) And our lives and our days are so busy and we go to the next patient, the next patient, the next meeting, the next meeting, and then we're driving home furiously to get home before the nanny's shift ends. (18:55) And now we're with our kids and we don't feel it, we don't feel it, we don't feel it. (18:59) We keep doing what we always do, which is suppressing anger.(19:04) And now I want you to imagine anger as a big inflated beach ball. (19:12) And that beach ball we keep pushing under the water. (19:18) Don't feel it now.(19:20) Don't feel it now. (19:21) Now's not the right time. (19:22) It's not professional.(19:23) It's not loving. (19:24) I'm not that person. (19:26) I'm too caring.(19:27) I want to inspire with love and hope and positivity. (19:29) I listen to the business of happiness every day and I'm happy all the times. (19:34) I'm going to push this anger down.(19:37) And what does a beach ball do when we push it under the water? (19:40) It wants to pounce right up at the least convenient time. (19:48) Very much like that night that I had that conversation with my kid.(19:53) Exactly like that. (19:54) Or maybe it comes out at the last second at a team member. (19:59) Or maybe it comes out inappropriately at your spouse, at your mom.(20:05) When you least expect it, that beach ball needs to go somewhere. (20:11) That energy, that emotion needs to be released. (20:17) It needs to be processed.(20:19) And when I say processed, I mean feeling it fully. (20:24) And here's the thing. (20:25) There's a big difference between feeling your anger, giving yourself permission to actually process it, and taking it out on someone else.(20:34) I'm not talking about taking it out on someone else. (20:37) Because that never gets you the result or the outcome you want. (20:42) Does it?(20:43) When you get angry at someone, to their face, it never gives you the result or the outcome you want. (20:52) Never. (20:53) When someone gets angry at me, I'm not inspired to say, Oh my gosh, absolutely, I'd love to do that for you.(20:59) Maybe from a place of fear, but not sustainably so. (21:04) We know that. (21:05) We see that from our leadership right now in power.(21:08) Fear can do big things. (21:11) When anger steps in or we feel fear in someone, Oh yeah, people will do things for you when they're terrified. (21:18) But not in the long run.(21:21) In the long run, it always fails. (21:24) And it doesn't get you the outcome you ultimately want. (21:28) Because I don't want to engender fear in my children.(21:32) Fear of me. (21:32) They won't come to me when they have a problem. (21:35) I don't want to engender fear in my teammates.(21:38) Because they're going to find another job. (21:41) They're going to bail at their first opportunity. (21:46) I don't want to engender fear in my patients.(21:49) Because that's not going to be a sustainable relationship. (21:55) So no, anger at someone doesn't work. (21:59) However, processing our anger allows us to show up clear hearted, open minded.(22:08) We need to process that anger in order to hold the safety and the space and the love and the perspective and the compassion that gets us the outcome we desire. (22:21) Which is true connection. (22:23) Which is trust.(22:25) Which is confidence. (22:27) That is how we create incredible teams that are there for support in the long run. (22:34) That have that dependability and that loyalty.(22:38) That's with love and open heartedness where we don't get to that place when we're pushing that anger beach ball down. (22:46) Because it will come out. (22:48) It's not an if.(22:50) It's a when. (22:52) So notice how giving yourself permission to process anger is also a way to love others. (22:59) To hold the space for others.(23:02) To be true to your values of caring for people deeply. (23:07) Because when you're suppressing anger, what is that called? (23:12) Now we bring back those words I asked you to pay attention to.(23:17) Frustration. (23:18) Irritation. (23:19) Just being a little bit pissed off.(23:23) Those words we seem very comfortable with. (23:26) Right? (23:26) That's what I was saying to my husband.(23:28) I was like, oh I'm so frustrated. (23:30) Those little simmering words of anger. (23:33) It's like those are the acceptable ones.(23:35) That we allow ourselves. (23:37) And then notice how much of your day you spend in those emotions. (23:42) When you don't allow yourself to actually process the big kahuna.(23:46) The big emotion of anger. (23:48) You sit in this little simmering swill of irritation. (23:53) Frustration.(23:54) And those are the ones we take into gossip circles. (23:58) Those are the ones we take into the complaining circles to our friends. (24:01) We're like, irritated.(24:02) Can I tell you about this meh? (24:04) This thing I'm irritated about. (24:06) Just join me in being irritated.(24:07) And what do our girlfriends do? (24:09) They get irritated with us. (24:10) Yeah, I'm irritated too.(24:12) Let's talk about the irritation. (24:14) And what are we doing? (24:15) We're actually pushing that beach ball of anger down.(24:19) But here's what actually feeling your anger does. (24:23) It fuels change. (24:26) It fuels revolutions.(24:30) Your anger is necessary. (24:33) Your anger is what fuels you saying, I am putting my foot down. (24:40) I am not going to accept this.(24:44) This is where I draw a hard line, a boundary. (24:49) And you know, that was very clear for me when that came up. (24:53) When I processed that anger, I realized, oh my gosh.(24:57) That part of me, that wounded part of me from 10 years ago is hurting because no one stood up for her. (25:06) I didn't stand up for me. (25:08) I felt like I had no option.(25:11) So what did I do? (25:12) I got my husband's signature on the lease. (25:15) He had nothing to do with my business.(25:17) Nothing. (25:19) And I got his signature. (25:22) You know, it's so insane.(25:23) My business partner, she and I were doing this together, the two of us. (25:27) Our combined signatures were not enough. (25:31) We each were asked to get our husband's signature.(25:33) Her husband doesn't have a doctorate, has never owned a business, has nothing to do with dentistry, has nothing to do with business management. (25:43) And even then she was required to get her husband's signature. (25:48) I'm getting fueled and angry right now.(25:50) You know what? (25:51) It feels good. (25:52) And I'm noticing I need to process more.(25:54) I need to go outside and scream more. (25:57) Because that part of me, that kowtowed, that gave in, and I don't blame her because she opened a practice and she did great things. (26:08) And that was the hoop she needed to jump over, jump through.(26:11) But I am noticing that there's a part of me that needs healing. (26:17) There's a part of me that now is saying, Taryn, I need to know that you've got my back. (26:23) That you will never let someone gaslight you, make you small, make you think that your belief in yourself is not warranted ever again.(26:34) That your belief in what you're asking for is not warranted. (26:39) That you are not good enough to ask for what you want and ask for what you need. (26:43) And I need you to stand up for me.(26:46) Notice how anger is fueling healing. (26:50) Deep, deep, inner work healing. (26:55) This is the kind of beautiful power that you have within you if you allow yourself to feel anger.(27:05) And, you know, once again, my favorite place is the car. (27:11) I love it. (27:13) I also love a good rage room.(27:15) If you're in a city that has rage rooms, please book yourself a session. (27:20) They're fabulous. (27:21) They're only 15 minutes long per session, some of them 30 minutes.(27:25) And trust me, anytime I've ever done one, I wish there was one near me. (27:29) Anytime I've ever done one, I've wished it was longer because I got to some great primal rage that needed to be processed. (27:37) And then, honestly, you walk out.(27:40) I was going to say you walk out feeling so good about yourself. (27:42) You don't, actually. (27:43) You feel depleted and exhausted and energetically drained.(27:46) Yes, kind of like after a good cry. (27:50) And then on the other side of that, so much lighter, so much freer, so much more in your own power and clear and capable of holding so much space again for the people you love, for the people you serve, for the people you lead. (28:13) So maybe you heard this episode today for a reason.(28:19) Maybe there's some anger in you around something in your personal life, around what's happening in the world today, around what's happening in your practice, what's happening in medicine and dentistry, around insurance companies, on reimbursement rates, on whatever it is. (28:37) And maybe you're realizing, oh, wow, Taryn. (28:40) Yeah, I've been kind of living daily with frustration and irritation.(28:44) That's not true anger. (28:46) That's the watered-down, acceptable version that doesn't actually heal anything, that doesn't get us anywhere. (28:52) Sitting around and just being irritated with your girlfriends, what does that do?(28:55) It just makes you more irritated. (28:57) It doesn't actually solve anything. (28:58) You don't actually feel more empowered, do you?(29:01) No, I don't. (29:02) You just kind of feel shitty. (29:06) And maybe this is the exact reason why you're not experiencing those high highs, because you haven't been giving yourself permission to feel the real depth of the anger that is necessary to process, because we don't just suppress one emotion.(29:20) Oh, you don't get to just suppress anger. (29:25) Because when you suppress an emotion, guess what? (29:28) You're suppressing your ability to experience all emotions, including freedom and happiness and empowerment and gratitude and deep love and so much joy.(29:43) Yeah. (29:45) Suppressing yourself is actually a numbing. (29:48) And yes, there's no judgment, zero judgment, because I get it.(29:56) I know why you might have been doing this for so long. (29:59) But let this be your permission today to actually feel it and to remember the importance of doing so, because you are that powerful. (30:10) You are so powerful that your emotions actually can fuel new awareness, new healing, new change.(30:20) So today, I'm reminding you that, yes, when you feel good, you can do good. (30:25) I still stand. (30:26) That is this thing that they're saying now on all the memes.(30:29) That is a hill I'll die on. (30:31) That is a hill I will die on. (30:32) When you feel good, that's when you can take action that is aligned with your values, with your intentions.(30:39) When you feel good, you have a greater impact on the world. (30:42) You have a ripple effect on the people around you. (30:44) Yes, when you feel good, you can do good.(30:47) And in order to feel good as human beings, really good, I mean the true good within you, we need to process all of those delicious emotions, including anger, because processing the anger is how you get to the good. (31:07) Sending you so much love. (31:10) Bye-bye.(31:11) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast. (31:17) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review. (31:26) And if you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day.(31:34) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com. (31:45) See you there.