#423 - Why You Don't Feel Free (Even Though You Did Everything Right)

What if the way you were taught to be strong is also the thing keeping you stuck? In this episode, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy speaks to high-achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals and high-achieving women in dentistry who feel the pressure to stay confident, keep giving, and never question the system. She talks about patient trust, provider burnout, moral injury, insurance stress, packed schedules, and the belief that everyone else’s needs must come first.

This conversation helps dentists, doctors, and healers see why self-trust matters just as much as patient care. When you question the old way with love and courage, you can start building a career and life that feel true to you.

Show notes:
(3:00) Why the system feels broken
(4:03) Confidence, trust, and patient care
(8:06) The shadow side of confidence
(10:37) Moral injury in healthcare
(13:28) Questioning puts power back
(15:32) A self-alignment framework to help dentists and healthcare professionals to reconnect with themselves beyond burnout and outside expectations. https://truetomemethod.com/
(18:25) When everyone else came first
(25:40) Living true to yourself
(28:30) Small shifts create freedom
(31:12) Outro

_______________________

IMPORTANT LINKS:

Empower Her Retreat:
Dates: October 1–4, 2026
Location: Taos, New Mexico
Website: empowerherretreat.org

Connect with Dr. MacCarthy:
Email: tarryn@drtarrynmaccarthy.com

Book a call with Tarryn:
https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/bookings/happiness-and-prosperity-strategy-call

Unlock your inner peace and reclaim joy in your profession with the Nervous System Regulation For Dentists Course: https://www.thebizofhappiness.com/calm

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (0:08) And this is the podcast where we put happiness first.(0:14) I help high achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom. (0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when...(0:41) Well, my friend, the time is now. (0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the business of happiness. (0:54) Hi, that's a big statement.(0:57) Welcome, welcome to the business of happiness. (0:59) I'm your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (1:01) If you haven't been here for long, welcome.(1:05) I am so honored that you found this episode at this moment in time, in this world, in this platform. (1:13) Welcome. (1:14) If you're a woman, dentist or doctor or healer, this is your home.(1:19) This is where you will find support. (1:21) You will be seen. (1:22) You will find inspiration, advice, healing.(1:28) This is your home. (1:30) Welcome. (1:31) I was speaking to one of my best, best friends this weekend.(1:36) She just turned a big number. (1:39) Fine, she turned 50 and we were celebrating her 50th birthday and we were talking about where we are in our lives and the magic of being 50. (1:50) I'm almost there.(1:52) I'm approaching and I'm excited for it. (1:54) I'm really looking forward to it. (1:56) She was saying that one of the biggest transformations for her in this stage of her life is she's really looking back over her life and realized that she's questioned everything in her 40s.(2:11) Her 40s were a decade for her of questioning everything and shifting and choosing new and asking why was I just doing that all along and who said I needed to behave that way and what if I chose differently and who am I not to try? (2:33) Why not me trying something new? (2:37) I wonder what would happen.(2:38) You know what? (2:40) The world didn't fall apart when she did that. (2:42) She has been heroic in the shifts and changes she's made in her 40s.(2:47) She's changed her career. (2:49) She changed her marriage. (2:50) She changed her entire philosophy of life.(2:52) It was pretty dramatic what she's been through and oh my God, she's thriving. (3:00) One of the really interesting things that we were talking about this weekend, she said, Tarryn, what's really interesting about doctors, and she was referring to this from her own challenges with Western medicine right now, her own frustrations, and as a patient she was saying, it's such a broken system. (3:20) I said, I know.(3:21) It's a broken system. (3:23) It is a broken system and that is one of the reasons why my clients, the women I serve, the women I speak to, you listening to the podcast, we take it on on ourselves. (3:36) We feel awful because we constantly feel like we have to compensate for a system we didn't create.(3:45) And she was saying, you know, one of the most difficult things is that doctors are taught to be really confident even when they're not. (3:58) And this is an important awareness. (4:02) She's right.(4:03) We are taught that. (4:05) And there's actually a really good reason for that. (4:08) The really good reason for that is because we need our patients to feel safe.(4:16) There's a certain amount of you need to be really confident as a provider, especially when you're trying new things, which by the way, we take very seriously, right? (4:27) We are constantly learning, constantly growing. (4:31) I was 10 years into my practice when I first started placing temporary anchorage devices, TADs, this was new for me.(4:41) I mean, we're constantly trying new things, right? (4:43) So that component of being confident is important. (4:48) Even when you're not feeling confident, when you're feeling new at something, because as a patient, our patient needs to trust.(4:57) Trust is such a huge part of healing because as human beings, our minds are so critical in terms of our sense of reality. (5:10) What we think creates the lens through which we perceive our world, the lens through which we see our world. (5:19) It actually colors our beliefs, not just about our world, but about ourselves.(5:27) So if you're taking a medicine and you don't believe it's going to work, guess what? (5:33) It's not going to work. (5:35) If you go to a doctor and you don't trust her, this is not going to work.(5:41) You're not going to get better. (5:44) We know this. (5:45) Research has shown us this over time.(5:48) And so, yeah, being a confident caregiver, a healthcare provider, a dentist, a doctor, a healer is critical for our patient success. (5:57) You know this as the listener, you've had this experience in your life where you've had a patient who suddenly loses trust. (6:06) And we know that relationship needs to end.(6:11) That relationship needs to end. (6:13) There's going to be nothing good going on from here. (6:16) We've all been burned when we've thought with our people pleasing, we thought, well, maybe I can save this.(6:22) Let me prove it to them. (6:24) Let me keep giving. (6:25) Let me keep giving.(6:26) And every time we get burned, in fact, those are often the patients that end up reporting you to the board or complaining or demanding their money back because that sense of trust has now been impacted. (6:41) And to a certain extent, we need to trust our patients too. (6:45) So we learn throughout our careers that I don't have to treat every patient, and this is important.(6:52) Not every patient is actually going to receive good care from me. (6:56) Wow, let me say that again. (6:59) I'm not the best doctor for every single patient.(7:03) And this is one of the big reasons. (7:05) It's not just because my skill set spans this capacity and then I need to refer, but also there's an alignment, there's a trust that needs to be mutual. (7:18) Otherwise, this is going to fail.(7:21) Even in orthodontics, even in straightening teeth, having that sense of trust is really important. (7:27) So, yes, we're taught to be confident. (7:30) Yes, we're taught to hold that safe space.(7:34) Think about you as a patient for a moment. (7:36) If you're going to a doctor and a doctor is really a little skittish and unsure and she's telling you, I'm not really sure. (7:44) I don't know if this is going to work.(7:45) I don't have as much confidence in you. (7:48) I want to know, I've got your back. (7:52) This is going to work for you.(7:54) I'm going to take care of you. (7:56) And, by the way, if this doesn't, I've got another plan. (7:58) Notice how the confidence behind the provider is such a big component of healing.(8:04) So, yes, we're taught that. (8:06) Now, here's the shadow side of it, is that in creating that level of confidence, in practicing it, and daily, right, in practice, I mean, practicing daily, feeling the confidence, feeling good about yourself, feeling like you've got this. (8:25) And sometimes there's a voice in the back of your head that's doubting, and that's why so many of us experience imposter syndrome.(8:31) But in that practice, we can lose that sensitivity to our intuition. (8:41) And we stop questioning what we're doing. (8:47) Now, this is really important.(8:50) The medical system is broken. (8:52) I don't think there's one person listening to this podcast who wouldn't agree with me. (8:56) And the dental system is broken, and the insurance companies are broken, and the way that we have been maximizing profit for someone else and carrying the weight of the litigious responsibility, in other words, our licenses as practitioners, are at risk when we make mistakes, when patients complain, when patients are unhappy, when something goes wrong.(9:28) And when we're in a system that insists on productivity, insists of funneling a certain product, and selling a certain product, a pharmaceutical, a procedure, when there's requirements for after-diagnoses that does not allow us to use our experience, our intellect, our intuition, we take the blame as practitioners. (9:58) So I want you to just notice how messed up the system is. (10:03) There's a bigger corporate entity, or pharmaceutical companies, or people dictating insurance.(10:14) They're all the same. (10:15) They're all influencing our decisions. (10:17) Whenever there's something above you, influencing your decision around treatment or patient care, and now your license is at risk.(10:32) You take on the burden of the responsibility of the outcome. (10:37) We experience what in medicine is called moral injury. (10:44) I'm making decisions that don't feel in alignment with what I know or think or have experienced or intuit is the right thing for my patient.(10:58) We almost go offline. (11:01) That confidence component can sometimes get in the way. (11:07) And I'm not saying it's not important.(11:08) It's critical. (11:09) Confidence is critical. (11:10) However, it can also get in the way sometimes of us making decisions that we question fully.(11:21) Is this the right thing for my patient? (11:26) And part of that is a lot of fear that's instilled in us as practitioners, as dentists, as doctors, as physicians. (11:36) The fear often stems from financial fear.(11:43) It really works to the insurance company's benefit that you paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for your student loans. (11:53) It really works for corporate entities who aren't doctors. (12:00) It really works for them that you have enormous student loan debt to pay off, that your expenses are so enormous because it can impact your decision-making.(12:15) It impacts whether or not you choose to stay in a job that doesn't feel aligned. (12:24) It impacts whether or not you choose to see X number of patients when you actually feel better seeing half that number. (12:33) It impacts whether or not you choose to have 30-minute appointments versus an hour-long appointment where your sweet zone is, your comfort zone, your sweet spot.(12:52) I was speaking to a client last week and she said, it is so stressful to complete my chart notes and I've been making mistakes. (13:00) I said to her, okay, well, let's talk about maybe extending your appointment time. (13:06) She said, oh, well, I can't do that because I can't fit in as many patients in a day.(13:12) And I said, okay, but maybe you see fewer patients in a day. (13:15) And she said, no, I can't. (13:16) I have to pay the bills at the end of the day.(13:18) Notice the conundrum we put ourselves in. (13:22) Notice the place we put ourselves in where we tell ourselves there is no way out. (13:28) And this is where I'm inviting you to start questioning everything.(13:36) Questioning actually puts you back in the seat of power. (13:41) Questioning what is best for me. (13:45) And now we're getting super selfish and I want you to get selfish.(13:48) And this is another really seditious part of medicine and our culture, how our culture sees doctors and women specifically. (14:01) So many of us really feel, because we've been taught this, and this is the messaging we received, that in order to be the very best dentist I can be, I have to give so much of myself. (14:15) I have to go out of my way for you.(14:17) In fact, we even advertise this. (14:20) Our practice is the best because we go out of our way. (14:24) We put our patients first.(14:27) Your needs come first. (14:29) And yes, that's so important. (14:32) Our patients' needs have to come before the opinions of pharmaceutical companies and the opinions of insurance companies.(14:40) Yes. (14:42) And the truth is your needs as a provider have to come first. (14:47) Your needs around how to stay in a place of feeling calm on top of things, confident, and not feel like you need to make decisions from a place of fear or insecurity.(15:06) Not feeling like you have to put on this confident facade even though you are really feeling insecure on the inside. (15:20) See, confidence and creating that level of just push through, push past, do what you're told, stops us from actually listening to that inner voice. (15:34) All right, my friends, I am interrupting your episode to bring to you some extremely exciting news because at The Business of Happiness, we are doing something we have never done before because we know that you are doing such amazing things every single day.(15:52) We know you are literally putting smiles on children's faces on a daily basis. (15:57) And you have spent so many years giving and taking care of and serving and holding space for everyone else, not just your patients, but your team and your family. (16:09) And it is exhausting and it is time to come back to what is true to you.(16:17) And that is why we are offering the True2Me method. (16:22) We've never done this before, and this is the core, the foundational method, the framework that is at the core of everything we offer is the True2Me method. (16:35) And we're putting it in a beautiful little package, a self-led course for you, a mini four-step course that you can listen to on the way to work.(16:46) It is going to change the way you see yourself. (16:50) It is going to put you back in touch with what is true to you. (16:54) Because what I know is up until this point, what we've been taught in dentistry is to outsource our choices and our decisions to the expectations of everyone around us.(17:07) What do my patients need? (17:09) What does my accountant say I need to do? (17:12) What does my family think?(17:13) What do my colleagues expect of me? (17:15) And this four-step method brings you back to you. (17:20) This is the core of finding fulfillment and freedom and satisfaction and enjoyment and living your life to the fullest.(17:30) So check out True2MeMethod.com, easy to remember, True2MeMethod.com, and use the code POD10, P-O-D 10, to get a 10% discount as a podcast listener. (17:45) Let me tell you, this is amazing. (17:48) We have already put in enormous savings.(17:51) It's usually $9.97. We're bringing it down to $4.97. And with the POD 10% savings, you get another 10% off. (17:59) This is a no-brainer. (18:00) There are CE credits.(18:02) There's community. (18:03) There's a downloadable companion guide. (18:05) There are monthly check-ins.(18:07) This is amazing. (18:09) You cannot afford to miss it. (18:11) Check out the True2MeMethod.com and use the code POD10. (18:15) I am sending you so much love. (18:18) You deserve to remember what is true for you. (18:22) Now, back to the episode.(18:25) And now I'm coming to something a little more personal. (18:30) I realized several years ago that I was paying attention to everyone else. (18:37) I was listening to what everyone else thought was the best thing for me.(18:43) And I had stopped paying attention to that small voice inside of me that was telling me something felt wrong. (18:53) And that piece of really practicing confidence when you feel not so confident had actually transformed into this place of ignoring my needs. (19:09) Ignoring my needs because I constantly thought, my kids come first, my patients come first, my team comes first.(19:16) I looked at my bank account and I thought, oh my God, this needs to come first. (19:21) And what came last was me. (19:25) That, at the end of the day, exhausted, like, I can't even think straight.(19:31) Like, don't even ask me another question. (19:34) Like, I can't even think of what to make for dinner tonight. (19:39) I have zero energy to enjoy my children.(19:43) I can't even focus. (19:44) I'm just thinking about getting to bed. (19:47) That was more than an internal whisper.(19:50) That was me and my body speaking to me, saying, whoa, babe, you are overdoing it. (19:58) And yet, I hadn't yet learned to question everything. (20:03) And one of the biggest questions I needed to ask myself was, why, sweetheart, why are you doing this?(20:13) Why are you putting everyone else's needs first and not taking care of yourself? (20:21) Why are you just blindly going with the old paradigm and not asking yourself, wow, I wonder, could things be different? (20:33) Could the way that I've been practicing medicine or dentistry for a really long time actually be seen differently?(20:43) Could there be a better way? (20:46) And maybe, as I'm giving you this interesting story about myself, you're thinking about the way you're practicing medicine, and maybe you're realizing, yeah, it's really interesting how pharmaceutical companies have really dictated what's best for my patients. (21:02) When I come up with a diagnosis, there's this immediate pointing them towards a drug that they're going to be really addicted to or reliant on for the rest of their lives, number one.(21:13) Or maybe you're realizing, oh my gosh, because of the corner that insurance companies have painted me into, I really don't have much choice around how many patients I see in a day or whether or not I am in the middle of a procedure and I have two or three hygienists asking me to see their patients. (21:33) This has just been the old scheduling paradigm that's been in place for decades where we have to split our time and multitask, and in the middle of a procedure, we have hygienists saying, I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting, and they're feeling frustrated, and we play this game over and over and over again every day, and we don't stop to say, wait a minute. (21:57) At the end of the day, I'm exhausted.(21:59) At the end of the day, my hygienists are frustrated because they say, I'm the one that's blocking the schedule, and they're not wrong because I'm in the middle of a procedure that I don't want to walk away from. (22:13) And then what ends up getting pushed to the end? (22:17) Your chart notes.(22:19) And now who stays late at the end of the day to write the chart notes? (22:24) And who's missing time with their children? (22:27) And who's feeling like they have imposter syndrome?(22:30) And they're exhausted. (22:32) And they're beating themselves up. (22:34) Me.(22:36) So I'm bringing this to you because I'm inviting you to remember your innate sovereignty, your autonomy. (22:50) And I want you to recognize how over time, there were certain paradigms, certain ways of doing things that are no longer sustainable, that are no longer profitable even, that are no longer feeling good. (23:14) And I'm going to invite you to start paying attention to you, your body, your needs, your inner knowing, and allow that to speak louder than the insurance companies that are making way more money on your hard work every single day.(23:36) Louder than the corporate entities. (23:40) Louder than the old way of doing things. (23:45) Just because that's the way the person you purchased your practice from used to do things, doesn't mean it's right for you.(23:52) We are each different human beings with different family landscapes, with different financial landscapes, with different wounds and different fears and different traumas from our past. (24:04) You have different dreams and desires than anybody else. (24:09) Different values.(24:10) The old way, the way that every other dentist in your community and in your society, your dental society, and from your residency program and from your dental school, you are unique to all of them. (24:25) So the way you work, the way you show up to work, the hours you work, the number of patients you see a day, the way you pay your bills has to be different. (24:35) And it can be dictated by you.(24:38) In fact, I'm going to argue this. (24:41) The most important thing is how you feel. (24:46) And if you're trying to squeeze yourself, your round self into a square hole, your round peg self into a square hole, it is never going to feel good.(24:58) You know, I talk about this all the time, this book that Bronnie Ware, she's a palliative care physician, I mean palliative care nurse from Australia. (25:07) She wrote this book many years ago. (25:09) It was called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.(25:12) And she said, she had interviewed all her patients over decades, in the last few days and weeks of their lives. (25:21) And in that time, she found there are five regrets that are the most frequently felt, regardless of socioeconomic status or age, near the end of your life or gender or religion. (25:33) There's really five things we all regret in the last few days of our lives.(25:40) The number one regret, number one. (25:44) I wish I had lived a life true to myself, and not the life everyone else expected of me. (25:54) That is big.(25:56) And that is what I'm inviting you today. (25:59) You are that powerful. (26:02) You are capable of questioning everything.(26:06) And we are in a moment of time right now, where things are beginning to fall apart. (26:12) A moment of disclosure, where certain aspects of life that we thought were just taken for granted, that's the way it just is. (26:24) When we start looking at promises that our government or bigger corporate entities or institutions had made, and we thought, oh my gosh, that's just the way it is.(26:35) We get to start questioning everything. (26:39) We get to start saying, wow, is it really true that I need to X, Y, Z? (26:44) Is that really true?(26:45) Is that really what's best for my patients? (26:49) Is it really what's best for me? (26:53) And I'm inviting you to start questioning everything, and to have the courage to do so.(27:01) And maybe it starts small. (27:04) Maybe you start noticing in your body when something just doesn't feel right, and you're just doing it anyway. (27:13) And I'm going to invite you also to bring enormous love and self-compassion and self-forgiveness along for the ride, because there are definitely moments where you might realize, oh my gosh, I've been doing this for so long.(27:26) This was a huge realization for me in terms of parenting. (27:29) There were certain paradigms in our parenting where I realized, and this was after 13 years of parenting, where suddenly I realized, oh, wait a minute. (27:42) I don't really like what I've been doing for 13 years.(27:46) This has not felt good in my body. (27:49) I am going to start questioning, and along with it needs to come a huge spoonful of self-compassion, because I didn't know any better before then. (28:03) And then I had to really love myself, because one of the things we do as women in dentistry and in medicine, we tend to take the blame for everything.(28:12) Am I right? (28:13) We feel so shameful. (28:15) And I'm just going to remind you, bring enormous love, enormous compassion when you start questioning everything, because you might realize that, oh my gosh, I've been living this way for so long, and that feels heavy when you realize I actually get to choose differently.(28:30) And then I'm going to ask you, when you take a baby step of shifting the old way of doing or maybe the old way of thinking, the old belief that you had, maybe you shift it and you realize, oh my gosh, the world didn't fall apart when I shifted that. (28:49) And maybe you give yourself permission to celebrate yourself so that you can reinforce that questioning everything is not the end of the world. (28:58) It's actually empowering.(29:00) It's actually the seed of fulfillment and liberation, because that is what we've been looking for. (29:09) What if that's the missing piece? (29:12) When you're sitting there right now and you're going, oh my gosh, I have everything.(29:16) I worked so hard for it. (29:17) I achieved my dreams. (29:18) What if what's missing, that feeling that something's missing, is this all there is?(29:24) Is this all there is? (29:25) There must be more. (29:27) Why am I feeling so unfulfilled and insecure and unhappy?(29:32) And like, I just don't feel as free as I used thought that I'd be at this point in my life. (29:37) What if that seed lies in questioning everything and stepping into starting to take action and think the thoughts that make you feel good. (29:54) Believe the beliefs that are empowering.(29:59) Choose the actions that actually serve you and don't detract from you. (30:05) And start noticing where your old beliefs were keeping you small. (30:12) We're in it, guys.(30:14) This is the year of the fire horse. (30:17) Things are moving quickly. (30:18) It's also a year of disclosure.(30:20) Things are coming to light. (30:22) We are learning things about the Epstein files, the government. (30:27) I mean, there's even talk of the UFOs.(30:29) Things are coming to light. (30:34) There's exposure. (30:36) And now we're starting to see, oh my gosh, I get to question everything and start prioritizing the way I feel.(30:48) I'm giving you that permission today because your patients deserve that. (30:54) And you deserve that. (30:57) And your children and your parents and your siblings and your significant others, they deserve you paying attention to your intuition, paying attention to what's true to you.(31:12) Because when you feel good, that is when you can do good. (31:19) Bye-bye. (31:22) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast.(31:26) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review. (31:36) And if you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day. (31:44) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com.(31:55) See you there.