Episode 30 is a special Bonus edition of the podcast.
It is a subject I've wanted to speak on for a while and was just waiting for the appropriate time. It is all about one of my oldest and most important friends in my life. His name was Matt and he passed away suddenly and far too young four years ago. This episode will deal with losing someone, the grief, and sometimes regrets that one has to cope with.
I have done my best to keep it light in most places, remembering the good times with someone I had known since I was 7 years old. We grew up together, shared so many seminal moments of life together. We fought like brothers and loved like brothers. We drifted apart and came back together as adults. Let me tell you about my friend Matt.
I hope that you can relate as far as friends in your own lives, and that feeling of loss if you have had any old friends pass away. I truly appreciate all of you who give this episode a listen as I know it is not the happiest of subjects, but it is a necessary one.
Be sure to watch for my livestreams called Without A Map Friday's at 8pm on Instagram which serve as a sort of postgame show for the podcast. Find them on IGTV and YouTube after they've finished.
Helpful Links from this Episode(available through Buzzsprout)
Listen to Episode 29 here.
Episode 30 is a special Bonus edition of the podcast.
It is a subject I've wanted to speak on for a while and was just waiting for the appropriate time. It is all about one of my oldest and most important friends in my life. His name was Matt and he passed away suddenly and far too young four years ago. This episode will deal with losing someone, the grief, and sometimes regrets that one has to cope with.
I have done my best to keep it light in most places, remembering the good times with someone I had known since I was 7 years old. We grew up together, shared so many seminal moments of life together. We fought like brothers and loved like brothers. We drifted apart and came back together as adults. Let me tell you about my friend Matt.
I hope that you can relate as far as friends in your own lives, and that feeling of loss if you have had any old friends pass away. I truly appreciate all of you who give this episode a listen as I know it is not the happiest of subjects, but it is a necessary one.
Be sure to watch for my livestreams called Without A Map Friday's at 8pm on Instagram which serve as a sort of postgame show for the podcast. Find them on IGTV and YouTube after they've finished.
Helpful Links from this Episode(available through Buzzsprout)
Listen to Episode 29 here.
Hello, world. Welcome into Episode 30 of the in my footsteps podcast. I'm your host, Christopher Setterlund. Coming to you from the vacation destination known as Cape Cod, Massachusetts. This episode is a special bonus episode that I've been waiting to do until the appropriate time and it matched up. So this week, I'm going to be talking about dealing with grief and loss and a look back a celebration of life of one of my original oldest childhood friends. And yes, it's going to deal with deep and sad subjects. But I'm going to try my best to keep it light and happy and fun as well. I hope it gives you fond memories of people in your life that are the same as my friend was to me, and it makes you appreciate those you still have. So I hope you'll stick with me as I go through this bonus episode. And let me tell you about my friend Matt.
I can tell that this episode is going to be a little bit difficult to get through because of the fact that I've been putting it off several times where I've had plans to record this. And I just don't want to go through it because I'm going to open up some wounds as much as I want to keep this light and happy. It's I know there's no way I can't go down that road. It makes me very glad that I have edit features with the podcast with my recording software and Audacity. Part of me feels like Richard Dreyfus is character. If you've ever seen the movie stand by me. And Richard Dreyfus is Gordy let chance as the narrator and he's talking at the end, he's going over the story of when He was hanging with his friends when they were younger. And he talks about his friend Chris chambers, who he had just found out had died. And they hadn't seen each other in quite a while. Part of me feels like that right now. Like this is my version of that. Because when that movie came out, I was eight, nine years old. And I had friends that, you know, I would think about doing something like that, like Stand By Me going hiking on the railroad tracks. And we had railroad tracks close to where I lived. And one of the friends that I thought about recreating that movie with except for finding a dead body was my friend Matt. I'm sure all of you that are listening, you can think back in your head to your first real friends. You know, I'm sure everyone's parents brought their kids to some other kid's house and you had play-dates, I guess they were different in the 70s and 80s. But I'm talking about your real first friend that you made on your own rather than your parents kind of pushing you towards someone. And in my mind, I have two that kind of came into my life at the same time. One of them. His name is Barry. And I mentioned him quite a bit on this podcast, because he created and operates my website. And the other friend, his name was Matt. I met Matt Madeira's. When I was seven years old, my family we had moved into a new house. So this is 1984 Because a long time ago, and his family lived diagonally across the street from my house. I'm not exactly sure how our first meeting was, he must have been outside. I was outside. And we're the same age and you know, little boys same interests. So we basically kind of hit it off right away. Matt was the first friend that I actually had sleep over. And he would be he was probably the first friend that I had have dinner at the house, we would call it eat over. Can I eat over at your house. It sounds weird, but I knew exactly what it meant thinking about that. Our childhood was different than what I guess you would consider childhood today in the 2020s or the 2010s. We had an 80s childhood. So it was more of a throwback to how things were in the old days. If you do the quote fingers, mainly what it meant was Yeah, we had video games we had the Nintendo was out back then. But it was more where your parents take you in he view out the front door and say you go out and you play in the fresh air as long as it was nice out. I mean, they didn't do it in a hurricane throw us out. You would go out and you would play essentially until the streetlights came on like that old cliche. Granted when we first met in 1984. You know, when we were seven or eight we weren't allowed to just walk to the corner store that was half mile or so away. And we couldn't really ride our bikes off on adventures. But that came when we were 10-11 years old. We would get on our bikes and go. And that's something you really can't I do hardly see that at all today, seeing kids that are 10-11 years old off on their bikes just riding around it seems like that's part of the past. Being little boys we always played with our, to our toys were GI Joes, transformers, we had the MASK men, which were they're kinda like GI Joes. Matt, his family had this house that was, it had a big hill, a dirt hill in front of it, I always remember taking our GI Joes and digging holes into the hill to create like these layers, where we would play and have the eventually we'd have the hills cave in on them. I also remember Matt, basically surfing a sled down the hill, and just obviously eating it and falling off and ripping his pants, which it was kinda like the X Games later on. But this was, you know, 1987 or 88. I specifically remember the sleepovers that we had. In episode 17 of the podcast I did a segment of back in the day segment about funny sleepover stories. And two of those stories concerned, Matt, there was the one where my cat smokey gave birth to a kitten at my birthday in front of all of us little boys. And there was the other one where we tried to stay up until 3am to watch King Kong Vs Godzilla. And we basically saw the first two minutes of the movie and then fell asleep. I think the first thing I think of if I close my eyes and think of Matt, back when we were growing up together was how good he was at baseball, especially pitching. I mean, God damn, he could pitch so fast. I remember he would want to practice pitching because we played farm League and then Little League, but he would want to practice pitching. And obviously I had a glove and so he'd want to pitch to me, his accuracy was so good that he would pop that ball in my glove, the same spot right in the meat of the thumb, and it would hurt like hell. And it got to the point where I wouldn't want to catch him if he was throwing a baseball. And I would say I'll play catch with you if you throw a tennis ball, which doesn't really help you with your pitching because you don't pitch a tennis ball in a baseball game. So it got to the point that he would want to pitch I'd refuse and then we'd go out into the street and we'd play Home Run Derby. We had Home Run Derby down to a science back when we lived on Cherry Lane, my old neighborhood. So we had basically a home plate. I can't remember it might have been a crack in the street that we just said this is home plate homeruns had to go over all of the power lines at a certain point. And for all you baseball fans, it's sort of like Tropicana Field where the Tampa Bay Rays play and it's like if you hit a ball over a certain catwalk it counted as a home run it was just random. Like it shouldn't count in real baseball. But that's how we did it back in the 80s. The thing is that Matt was always there. If that makes sense. And you you people out there you listening. You know, when you think of your first friends, your childhood friends, you've got it. That's not it may not be the same thing. Maybe you didn't play baseball, maybe you didn't play GI Joes. But you've got that friend, you can see where I'm coming from, that I can close my eyes, and I have hundreds and hundreds of memories of him. And it wasn't all just playing baseball and riding bikes. I mean, he was there. When my cat smokey that I mentioned about giving birth to the kitten on my sleepover. I saw her get hit by a car when I was eight years old. I can still picture that that's a nice memory to have. But he was there as comfort and support. And you don't think of that when you're eight years old about needing a support system for seeing something traumatic, like your beloved pet getting run over in front of you. But he was there. I spent as much time in his house as he spent in mind. His bedroom was definitely a trip. I mean, he had an actual stand up arcade game RBI Baseball for Nintendo. So the old school one, you got to look it up. We would play that. I remember his dad had a CD Paul McCartney's Greatest Hits, like his solo hits. And it has a song say say say with Paul McCartney did with Michael Jackson. The first time I ever heard that song was in Matt's living room. I don't remember why we were playing that CD or why that song came on. It would seem weird to be 9-10 years old and listening to Paul McCartney unless you were born in the 50s but that song always reminds me of him and looking out of his big front window over his driveway that was on the second floor and it felt like you were miles above the neighborhood. I could see my house. It's amazing how those little seemingly insignificant things stick with you when you get older. I'm sure you all can relate. There's something that's like, the most mundane, random thing that happened to you when you were a kid. Good or bad, but I'm trying to think of good that stick with you now I hear say, say, say, and I think of Matt Medeiros, even, you know, 35 years later, he was there at all my birthdays, all my birthday photos, he's in him. He came with my family. When I was at Kevin McHale basketball camp. I'll talk about that in the next episode of the podcast. I got pictures, he came there to just see me support me. That's what a friend does. But as friends do, you know, when you're growing up with someone, you fight like brothers. That's what Matt and I would fight like brothers, where you fight, and then you make up and it's like, nothing happened. And then you repeat that cycle. God, I think the worst blow up we had was I don't know what started it. But we got in a fight at the bus stop when we were probably nine years old. And he reached down and he grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it in my eyes. And so I'm swinging for him and I'm reaching. And I thought I grabbed his hair, but what I grabbed was his ear, and I yanked on his ear, and I actually ripped the cartilage on his ear, which must have been pretty painful. But you know, after a couple days, he apologized for the dirt. I apologize for his ear. It was more like our mothers made us apologize because they were like, you know, your friends, you're gonna make up Jesus Christ just be friends. And then there was a family that used to come down from Wooster during the summers, and there was a bunch of siblings, but there was a girl named Keisha. And I was so into her like my years, like the year would focus on, like four weekends that she would come down with her grandparents. And I would just like be waiting for that. And I remember being so jealous of Matt, if he would talk to her. And that's, you know, that's typical guy stuff. But apart from that, mostly, I remember the good times and seminal moments of my life that Matt was part of, I mean, got my first ever job. I was 12 years old, and I stocked shelves at his parents general store. I think we worked just one weekend day, it might have been Saturday, we worked one day a week we would ride our bikes all the way from our houses more than five miles from our house to his parents general store at 12 years old. Think about that today. If you were a kid growing up now and you had a job that was five miles from your house and you rode your bike there, it doesn't seem like something that would happen now riding your bike to your job and having a job at 12 and we got paid in cash and we'd have a lunch break. But lunch wasn't part of the deal. I remember getting a sub from the deli in his store, I think I always got a meatball sub and he got an Italian sub. I've never been a fan of Italian subs. I don't know about any of you out there but meatball sub has always been my go to for if a sub shop is good. Because basically if you screw up a meatball sub, I don't trust you to make anything more difficult. And I remember the first time hearing Nirvana song Smells Like Teen Spirit that basically changed the direction of my life and what I wanted to do in my life when I was 13. I was in Matt's bedroom. He turned on his little alarm clock radio and the riff of Smells Like Teen Spirit was coming out of the radio and I was like what the hell is this? He and I would also call up the local radio stations and dedicate to grading songs to each other. I remember I dedicated the song fat by Weird Al Yankovic to him. And the DJ said wow With friends like you who needs enemies. And then Matt called up and he dedicated it was a song called Da Butt. It was a dance. It was like a Spike Lee video. It was the song I think it was called experience unlimited. But it was just cheese, new jack swing type video and that's what he dedicated to me. I couldn't figure out where he got that one from. I'd never heard that song. But that was dedicated to me. What do you want? We were 12-13 years old. It was 1990. But as the years went on, and we got into high school, we kind of drifted apart. In 1998. My family we all moved out of that childhood neighborhood. So I went probably 20 years without hearing from Matt. But as luck would have it, everything came full circle. I think it was 2016 that I was in there's a little Stop and Shop near where I live. And I'm in there a couple times a week and there was Matt we bumped into each other now, both in our mid 30s. And it was nice to get to reconnect as grownups. And to hear him just glow, talking about his newborn daughter. And the joys of being a husband and a father. And just what he had been up to, you know, we're, we're standing in front of the meat department. And there's people trying to get around us to grab steaks and chicken, and we're talking about life, got, he was showing me pictures of an accident he had gotten into that had damaged his arm, his pitching arm. I mean, that was granted, it was years after he would have been in the major leagues. But still, it was pretty nasty. And so people, I don't know if people saw that on his phone, as he showing me these photos, but that would have ruined their appetites. It was so great. And we reconnected on Facebook, and I got to share photos of him and tag him so that we could reminisce about what a big part of each other's lives we were growing up. And to get to have that connection again, as adults after so long, because we didn't have a falling out and we didn't talk it was just life. Life happens. I'm sure that you all out there, you've got some friend that you didn't have a falling out. It's like you've just drifted apart. Maybe this may be me talking about this, maybe someone's going to come back into your life, maybe you're going to find that person. And reconnect, it became almost comical, because we would always bump into each other at Stop and Shop. Like we didn't time it that way. But we don't I would seem to be getting out of work and stopping there. And he was always it was the same time like it must have been just when he was able to get there. But we'd always bump into each other and we'd always chat and just how things were going. He wanted me to come and play frisbee golf with him. He was very thrilled with how good he was at that. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, I've known you long enough. You want to get me out there. So you can just walk my ass in frisbee golf. Like, I've known you since we were seven. I'm not that stupid. And then I remember this one day, it had been a long and stressful day at work. And I just wanted to get into Stop and Shop, grab some things real quick, get out, get home and just decompress. And I looked down. I think it was the produce section. And I saw Matt with his cart. He was walking away from me, he didn't see me. But I saw him. And in my mind, I was just like, I just want to go home and I just want to relax. And I watched him walk and he rounded the corner of the aisle. And I went the other way and grabbed my stuff and got out of there. And little did I know that that would be the last time I ever saw him was him rounding that corner. It might have been the next day he posted on Facebook that he was going to a casino to have, you know, a fun night out. And I thought seriously about putting a comment on there just saying, you know, don't do anything too crazy. We're now like the older guys in the hangover, like Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms. But I didn't I left it. The next day I had a long day I was working at a gym and I was working in the front office that day. So I had to sit behind a desk. And I was in charge of sales and phone calls and just general upkeep of the gym. And it was around noon, that I got a text from my sister Kate asking me if something had happened to Matt. And I said I didn't know, what, you know, what are you talking about? She told me that his wife had tagged him in this post talking about him basically, in the past tense. I don't want to mention what she that's, you know, her private stuff. But I went to his Facebook page, and I saw that. And so you know what it means. And I basically went to his Facebook page, and there were thoughts rolling in. It's like when you hear shocking news that you can't believe it's almost like you rub your eyes, hoping that when things come back into focus, it's going to be back to normal the way it was. And then when it came to Matt, you know, my selfish feelings were you know, thinking of oh my god, it's my oldest friend and we had, you know, finally reconnected as adults. And you know, I had this regret and remorse that he was walking away and I had the chance to have like final words they may have been meaningless final words. It may have been like, Hey, have fun getting diapers or something. But I would have had them instead of having my last memory of my oldest friend be his back, walking away. And I started thinking deeper about his wife and his little girl that, you know, the shock and his mom and dad and sisters, because yeah, I lost an old friend, but they lost family. So that's different. It was this feeling like you're falling down an elevator shaft, and it just never ends. And I remember, I'm there at work. And this is just flooding me with emotion. And it's terrible, because I'm supposed to be out among the people and asking them how their workout is going. But all I could do was get up from my desk, shut the door to the office, and turn my chair so that no one could see me. So I could just sob, you know, just, it's horrible to have those feelings and you, you can't control them. You don't want to control them. Because it was good. It was cathartic. You feel something for someone, it shows you that someone meant something to you. I remember, kinda like how it is right now that I just kind of laughed to myself. And I said, God, damn, Matt, you got me. It was like a final sort of nod from him, like I'm gonna make you cry at work in front of everyone. And I, I kind of laughed, because that would be something that would cross his mind. He was 39 with a wife and a daughter. And you know, he was a loving father. He raved about his daughter, and what how much he loved being a husband and a father. And to me, he was always a friend, we fought like brothers we loved like brothers.
And, you know, I'm still flooded with regret, and remorse. But it gets washed away quickly with the good memories of him. Because there's so many hundreds and hundreds of memories of him over the years, just little innocuous, insignificant things. I can think of so many. And I'm so grateful I had the chance to reconnect with him. Because I'm sure there are so many people that have friends like Matt, and they'll this friend was like your brother or your sister, and you lost touch. And some of you never get the chance to reconnect. And there's just that whole like the I wish I had reached out, and I had the chance. And maybe that's what makes it hurt a little bit less. Because we actually reconnected and enjoyed the old times. I'm recording this now because Matt's birthday is coming up on August 3, it would have been his 43rd birthday. And I wanted to time this close to his birthday, so that it kind of felt appropriate. I hope that you all have friends like Matt, that you have been able to reconnect with. And if you do and you haven't reach out to them. Because like I say, at the end of all these podcasts, you know, enjoy every moment you can in life, because you never know. And the reason why I say that is because of Matt, and how it went down at the end. Because I always thought I'd see him again. I didn't think that the last memory of him would be his back. Going around the corner. I thought I'll see him again, we'll chat. But we didn't. So please reach out to those people. And even if it's, you know, just people in your life, just take the time for them. I'm trying to get better, but God damn, I'm not where I should be. I'm trying one of my other oldest and closest friends. His name is John. He came here from California last month for a few weeks. And I would get to see him for a couple of hours one day, every other year. And the fact that he was here for a few weeks. I said whenever you have time, let me know. So that we can have those moments, even if it means driving you to Logan Airport, in traffic. That's I don't care. It's like you make the time. But that's my story. That's it's been hard. I've had a lot of time pausing this and collecting myself. I didn't want this podcast to be a lot of tears, at least not audible ones that you can hear. It's gotta be professional. I'm trying to keep that up at least. But it's been really hard. Matt deserved his own episode. What he meant to me as my friend deserved its own episode. He was a very important part of my life. He was a more important part of the lives of so many others, family and friends that he had been closer with in recent years. Thank you, Matt, though, for being such a big part of who I am now. And thank you all for listening to this. I hope that you stuck with me through it. It's not exactly the most cheery of topics but it was so necessary. I needed to talk about this, it's cathartic for me. I hope it's cathartic for you also that it helps you if you're going through something similar or finding an old friend. I usually end podcasts with previews of the next episode. But next week, there won't be an episode I'm skipping a week. I'm kind of giving this a little. It's not a season finale, but I'm giving it a week. And I usually end this with DJ Williams and James River playing me out. But after such a heavy topic, I didn't feel it was appropriate this week. So I just want to say thank you again, Matt. And I hope I honored your memory and your friendship Well, rest easy my friend