Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
Islamic Life Coach School Podcast
How to Disagree Without Fighting.
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Have you ever wished you could navigate the choppy seas of disagreement with grace and keep your relationships intact?
Tune in as we share strategies for expressing different viewpoints without igniting a battle, proving that conflict and connection can coexist.
We talk about the emotional complexities that arise when opinions clash, and provide a roadmap for managing these situations with empathy and respect.
Whether it's a matter of hierarchy in the workplace or a difference in beliefs among friends, this podcast will give you the tools to maintain the bonds you've worked hard to build, even when you don't see eye to eye.
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How to Disagree Without Fighting
Speaker 1Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast . Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful . Now your host , dr Kamal Atar . Hello , hello , hello everyone . Peace and blessings be upon all of you .
Speaker 1Today's podcast is about how to disagree without fighting . And what comes to your mind when I say that you can disagree without fighting ? Like what is it your mind when I say that you can disagree without fighting ? Like what is it ? That's your emotional experience in this case .
Speaker 1And examples like if your brother smokes and you strongly disagree with this habit because of health concerns , because of religious concerns , or if your mother doesn't want to go to the doctor when she needs to , she refuses to make any healthcare appointments , refuses to see doctors for checkups , follow-ups , delays appointments , prioritizes everything but her health . You absolutely disagree with this approach , this self-sacrificing type of lifestyle that a lot of women are encultured into . Or if your husband doesn't appreciate your emotional labor he might not always say it , but there's always an undertone of since you don't make enough money , then his work is more important because you're doing the emotional labor of raising the kids and running a household . Or , based on the same reasoning , he doesn't help around the house , even though you both contribute financially , saying things like that's a woman's job . If you completely and utterly disagree with these approaches , then how do you express that disagreement without fighting , especially in close relationships that you want to preserve ? So the question I'm posing to you is think of a situation in your life where you strongly disagree with somebody and then imagine what your emotional experience is when I tell you that you strongly disagree with somebody , and then imagine what your emotional experience is when I tell you that you can disagree without fighting .
Speaker 1For me , my immediate emotional reaction was skepticism . Like when we started working on this with my coach . I was like there's no way this is possible because mostly I wasn't given any healthy models of conflict in a relationship and because of all of that upbringing , my brain just did not believe that disagreements can happen without conflict . Now this skepticism might be your initial emotion , or it might be confusion , since you're always associating disagreement with conflict and since you have accumulated so much evidence and experiences from the past , you can't even consider the possibility that you can disagree without fighting . Other emotions in this scenario might include cynicism or doubt or suspicion because you've tried other methods before and it hasn't worked . It might be even resignation , that it's too idealistic and it's not practical or even achievable in real life . Or you might even be downright deprehensive about this whole idea of even trying to disagree with someone , because the fear is like if you even attempt to disagree , it will provoke a negative response from the other party . Now , any of these or a mix of these emotions might be a reality , but you're always welcome to disagree and fight . That's always an option . I'm not saying you shouldn't fight , but if you choose not to fight and you still disagree , then listen carefully to this podcast and you'll understand how this can happen and keep an open mind . So there are ways you're connected to other people in your relationships .
Speaker 1Now , I don't prefer using the word hierarchy , but that's what I will call it here . You are either in a supervising position , as a parent or a boss , or you are in a subordinate position , as an employee or child , or you're in an equal position , like as a spouse , friend or colleague . I want you guys to remember these three tiers of hierarchy . Three tiers of hierarchy . But it's actually not that simple , as always , because the dynamics in a single relationship are so much fluid and bi-directional than described by the word hierarchy . I mean if you're the boss and you have employees , some of those employees will have a higher level of skill than you in some areas . Then they will have an upper hand in , let's say , coding or organizing . And then , all of a sudden , you're not at the top of the hierarchy in that situation at work because their skill level is more required than your leadership skills .
Speaker 1Or let's say you're co-parenting with your ex-husband , but your current husband doesn't want to raise the kids with the same ideology and values that your ex-husband does . What do you do in that case ? This is not a straight-up hierarchy and these relationship dynamics are always turning upside down and right back up , tumbling and going sideways . There's no one direction of how this will work . But for simplicity's sake , I am telling you that the relationships are linear , one-directional , and I know this is very oversimplified , but I have to lay this foundation to help you build some resilience around not creating a fight with every disagreement . So , regardless of where you are in your relationship , where you stand in the hierarchy , no matter how fluid or ever-changing it is , the ideas that I'm laying out here are going to apply . So you don't have to listen to this podcast and say , oh , this doesn't apply to me .
Speaker 1As long as there is a disagreement and there's a person you're disagreeing with that you don't want to fight with , the rules here apply . So there is a potential of disagreement at every and any point of contact you have with another human being , because every person comes from their own experiences , their own past , their genetic makeup , patterns of thinking , belief system . Then , of course , disagreements when there are two people present are inevitable . You might want to make a big deal out of certain things you disagree with . You might want to let some things go . You might want to point some things out to others but not make a big deal out of them anyways . But then there might be some disagreements that you carry with others that you want to make known , that you want to stand on business for . But you might be hesitating doing that because , again , you don't want the disagreement to turn into a fight , because a fight in this case can mean a big withdrawal from the bank account of investment that you've put in this relationship .
Speaker 1Okay , so let's say there's a disagreement because you think your emotional labor is a lot more compared to your spouse in a parenting arena and you want things to be more even , or you have a disagreement at the cashier who said something racist to you and you stand for not allowing that in your life , something racist to you , and you stand for not allowing that in your life . Again , we're talking about a very specific case scenario where you're choosing not to fight during these disagreements . So fights have to be bi-directional . The other person can choose to fight with you if they think you're making a horrible mistake . They're allowed to think that you're not supposed to do or say or think the things you're currently thinking , and you don't have to agree with that Meaning . You don't have to agree with their disagreement of you as a person . Since fights are bi-directional , then it can only happen if both of you choose to do so . If the other person is armed and ready and you don't even enter the proverbial arena , then there will be no fight .
Speaker 1So in this case , things are very simple . The only thing you have to do is not to believe their opinion about you . All you have to do is let go of their judgment of your belief system . You can literally just hand it back to them . You can mentally or verbally say I don't want to accept your opinion about me . I don't agree with your judgment of me . I choose not to focus on your judgment on this matter , and the reason we're doing that is because they can always choose to fight with you if you disagree with them , and they can try to create a relationship rupture .
Speaker 1They can also say that they don't allow you to disagree with them , but you don't have to agree with any of that , meaning you are choosing not to fight . I mean , you're already disagreeing with them . You can also disagree with their opinion about you , especially if it keeps you out of the fight , and this is the key . And this is not even about playing defensive in a fight . It's not about stepping into the arena at all and it's not even about chickening out . You're making a conscious decision ahead of time that you're not going to engage in a fight . You can try and justify your thought process , you can try and poke hole in their way of thinking and show them what they're saying is not correct . Because of this and this reason , you can totally defend yourself . But let's also give ourselves the option of not stepping into the arena at all and just telling them from the outside I don't agree with you , and stop the ongoing emotional and mental investment into the disagreement .
Speaker 1If they want to fight , if they want to take it to the extent of , let's say , blackmailing you for breaking relationship ties or using religious messaging to coerce you out of your opinion again , you don't have to agree with it . You could just say I don't think I'm breaking relationship ties because I'm disagreeing with you , because I'll be right here . I'll be right here in the morning if you live with them , I will see you next holidays , I will still text you or whatever level of relationship you share with them . Or you can say we'll still hang out together for dinners and parties , like , I'm still open to doing all of that , but I'm still going to disagree with you . They have the option of picking up whatever arms at their disposal and people who would want to fight are very creative at what arms they use against you but you simply don't have to agree with them . Your disagreement of their opinion about you completely disarms them because they have nobody to strike . Nobody's in the arena to fight .
Speaker 1So how do you apply this to a random stranger or a cashier or somebody that you have a momentary contact with but you know is racist and is acting a way towards you that is disrespectful and you would not let that fly Again . Picking a fight in any situation is an option . Stepping into the arena , playing defensive , playing offensive all of that is an option . But the title of this podcast is how to disagree without fighting . So I'm just going to explain this one case scenario In which case you disagree with their stance and you let your stance known and you hand them back their opinion . You don't internalize it , you don't over identify with it , you don't make it mean anything about yourself . You can disagree as loudly and as firmly as you want . You stand on business and still not fight , because you're just not in the arena . You're not at their level and , depending on the other person's response , they will either back down or they will amplify their efforts out of frustration or anger towards you . They will provoke you to come into the arena and they can still get yet more angry when you don't step into the arena even after the provocation , because , as far as you're concerned , you deliberately and consciously decided that they're welcome to fight with themselves .
Speaker 1If this happens in my life and I choose not to fight , if it's a complete stranger , I let it be , I put my opinion out there and I never enter the arena and I walk away . But if it's a loved one and they're suffering through their own emotions and I want to help them relieve that suffering , I would choose another time to support them , and this is what I recommend . Your next step is this is what my next step usually is , but it requires a little bit of higher level of engagement . Meaning you disagree with somebody . You've learned how not to fight with them , but not only . You can remain neutral during the whole process . You can take the higher road , and the reason you would do that is because that's the most effective way of how they'll start to agree with your opinion .
Speaker 1So , after the disagreement , you can choose to take the higher road for two reasons . One you want to alleviate the suffering the person who's fighting with themselves and you love them and you don't want them to suffer , and you want to give your opinion a better chance of acceptance by them . So how do you do that ? How do you take the higher road ? How do you help them through their experience when they're obviously ready to fight with you
Respectful Disagreement in Relationships
Speaker 1?
Speaker 1In that case , the next step is to learn how to respect them for having their opinion , and sometimes it's just as easy as me reminding myself that they're an individual human being . They have their right to their own opinions , just like I have the right to my own opinions , even though sometimes , in my face , they're fighting for me to not have that right and they're pretending that I don't have that right and they're enforcing their will on me to not have the right of my opinion . It simply does not make it untrue that I actually have the right to my own opinion . Through all of that garbage and that nonsense that they're thinking about me , I give them the respect of having that opinion and sometimes it's just as simple as that and that , for me , creates an instant level of respect and some regard for them . And what does that do ? It allows me to take a higher road , just me recognizing them as a free individual . I can take the higher road because it gives me a sense of respect , just for them being a human being . So this higher level of evolution through a disagreement the first step is going through it without the fight . The second step is going through it with respect and again , I recommend you choose that only for special relationships around you , because it requires your emotional and mental investment , which is a precious commodity emotional and mental investment , which is a precious commodity . So this also you can pre-decide . You can create some level of respect and take the higher road .
Speaker 1If you think the person you're disagreeing with is worthwhile this effort , and if you're feeling constantly angry and resentful , if you're judging them for their thought processes and if you absolutely don't want them to have the opinion that they have , then the disagreement will quickly escalate into a fight , because not only have you stepped into the arena , you've picked up arms , and again , nothing wrong with that . You can choose and at this point you might make a case to me that it's absolutely necessary for you to deem their opinions wrong and to judge them , otherwise you will not be able to hold on to your values . You have to consider some things wrong , don't you ? So , taking the same example , let's say , if somebody is discriminating against you , then you must judge them for being wrong , otherwise you risk slipping into your discrimination for yourself . And if you don't regard their opinion as wrong , then , who's to say , by extension , you will also not accidentally become racist and you won't adopt their opinions .
Speaker 1And what I will say to that is this is an excellent use of judgment . You're welcome to judge their racist opinions as wrong , but when this judgment leads to you forcing your beliefs on them , like there should be equity , fair treatment , equal pay and let's say they obviously don't have any of these opinions , then your ongoing judgment of them having their opinions will create a foundation of fight . And if you choose not to fight because , let's say , your safety is threatened , then you'll internalize this judgment and that will become resentment and that will create an ongoing emotional toll on you . So the process here is as long as you judge them and stick to your value of fair human treatment , then the judgment has done its job . What I'm asking you to do is drop the judgment when it starts to escalate into a fight , because now you've started throwing verbal rocks or you're not verbalizing your judgment because of fear of your safety , in which case you're internalizing it , and that's also not healthy .
Speaker 1Let's consider an example of a Muslim youth . Let's say you are a youth and a part of a Muslim community and the masjid board won't allow you to play basketball after isha , while you think that's the best time to play basketball , especially on masjid grounds , the way you disagree about this respectfully is that you carry the respect of individuals on the masjid board . You carry respect of their opinion . You don't agree with it , but you can carry and feel respect for it . Judgment will take a downturn . Will you start to think that they think I'm a naive person ? They're not letting me have freedom of choice . They're not letting me enjoy the resources that the community offers freedom of choice . They're not letting me enjoy the resources that the community offers . They're disregarding my opinion because they think I don't have experience . Having focus on this level of opinion about other people is not going to help you feel respect for the people that you're disagreeing with .
Speaker 1In taking the higher road , you have to train your brain into finding something , no matter however small , into feeling respect and acceptance for the other person that you're disagreeing with . You can always choose to step into the arena and fight , armed with judgment , with your sense of revenge . You can step into the arena and be defensive , or you can stay out of the arena . Let them have their opinion and disagree with them . You can stay out of the arena and let them have a unilateral fight . You can try and engage with respect for them for being the elderly in this dynamic . Respect them for being a Muslim , for being another human being , for having the freedom of carrying their opinion . And when you stay out of the arena , not only you can stay neutral , you can respect them and take the higher road .
Speaker 1So , but in this case , what would it look like to have your opinions known with respect here ? It can look like you petitioning the community to pressure the board to consider a fair process , coming in front of the board and speaking your mind about how you're using your rights as a youth to use the masjid property to play basketball because you're engaging in healthy activities . You can very much respectfully disagree in front of the board , in front of the entire community , if you have to . In this case , not only you're disagreeing without a fight , you're disagreeing with respect , and if you do that , chances that the outcome of this disagreement are in your favor are going to be much higher . And it is so fascinating because how it works is almost a foolproof method . Every time I use this method , things work out in my favor , alhamdulillah . And the same is true if you're on the mask board and you disagree with the youth playing basketball after Isha because you think it's disruptive and unsafe for the younger kids .
Speaker 1Your responsibility is to find some respect for the youth , to engage in a conversation when both parties judge each other , there's no conversation , it's only an argument and nobody listens . So what we have covered so far is avoiding fights because you're choosing not to . Fights have to be bi-directional . The other person can choose to fight with you . They can think you're making a mistake , they can strongly disagree with your viewpoint , but you don't have to agree with their judgment . You can mentally or verbally say I don't accept your opinion of me . I don't agree with your judgment of me .
Speaker 1The next step of how not to fight during disagreements is not stepping into the arena . It's not like you're stepping in the arena to play defensive . You're not stepping there at all . When you hand them back their opinions , it's like you're disagreeing without an emotional investment . Then the next step is a higher level of engagement . That's done through respect . If this is a person that you care deeply about or you're choosing to care for the sake of Islam , choose another time to support them , learn to respect them despite the disagreement . This is a higher level of engagement . Remind them that they have a right to their opinion , just as you do , and even if they're trying to force their will on you , you don't have to accept it .
Embracing Kind Disagreements Through Empathy
Speaker 1I do hope that with all of this information , I have changed your emotional experience Meaning when I say you can disagree without fighting . You can be a little bit more accepting to this notion . You can lean into emotions like curiosity , appreciation , validation , relief , empowerment , because through these emotions you can start to develop your own process and practice around this . With that , I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala . O Allah , guide our hearts and tongues to disagree with kindness , compassion and respect . Grant us all the wisdom and patience to adopt rightful disagreements . Help us resolve these disagreements without fights , especially when it benefits us . O Allah , guide us to approach each situation with understanding and empathy , especially if it's good for our deen and dunya . O Allah , fill our interactions with peace and grant us the strength to hold on to our values without causing harm . Ameen , ya Rabbul Aalameen , please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .