The Power of Not Arguing

Ever felt that irresistible urge to correct someone? That burning need to prove you're right? You're not alone. In this revealing episode, I share how an unexpected encounter with wildlife laws during a Caribbean cruise reminded me of a powerful leadership lesson: sometimes the wisest choice is simply not to argue.

While celebrating my daughter's graduation with a perfect vacation, my daughter, her bestie, her bestie's mom, and me eagerly anticipated holding sloths and playing with monkeys in Honduras. When our cruise ship head waiter casually mentioned our inability to interact with these animals, my first instinct was disbelief and a desire to prove him wrong, but I settled for thinking I must have misunderstood him. The next day in port, I discovered he was absolutely right – and I was reminded a valuable lesson about humility, influence, and the energy we waste on unnecessary arguments.

Through this experience, I explore three critical leadership principles that can transform both professional and personal relationships. First, embracing curiosity over certainty opens doors that rigid conviction closes. Second, preserving relationships matters more than winning points in most situations. And finally, timing is everything – not every comment requires an immediate response. I share practical strategies including the "pause before you pounce" technique, replacing statements with questions, and exercises to build your "let it go" muscle.

Whether you're leading a team, navigating family dynamics, or simply trying to have more productive conversations, these insights will help you choose your battles wisely. As the penguins in Madagascar wisely advise: "Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave." Leadership isn't about being right in every moment – it's about being effective. 

Subscribe, share with someone who might benefit, and join me at www.hollycurby.com to continue our conversation beyond the podcast.

Chapters

• 0:01 Welcome to Holly's Highlights
• 0:45 The Honduran Wildlife Adventure
• 2:33 Three Leadership Lessons
• 5:53 Practical Tips to Avoid Arguments
• 7:24 Final Thoughts and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, friend, welcome to Holly's Highlights, a podcast designed to encourage, inspire and equip you to intentionally live your life full of purpose. I'm your host, holly Kirby, motivational speaker, leadership cultivator, marketing strategist and personal cheerleader. Let's check out today's highlights.

Speaker 2: 0:21

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Speaker 1: 0:45

Welcome back to Holly's Highlights, where you've heard me before explore real life moments that have taught me some powerful leadership lessons. Well, today, as we talk about the art of not arguing, I'd like to share with you a bit about what monkeys, sloths and Honduran wildlife laws can teach us about influence, humility and leadership at any level. Now, if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you see that I just returned from a Western Caribbean cruise for my daughter's high school graduation slash 18th birthday. We had the best vacation with her bestie and her bestie's mom Truly a week to remember. One of those excursions we had planned, though we were all beyond excited, for it was one of those bucket list moments you didn't even know was on your bucket list. It was holding a sloth and playing with monkeys in Honduras. We were all so excited and had been talking about this for months.

Speaker 1: 1:38

Well then, when we were on the cruise, at dinner the night before that excursion, our head waiter asked what we were doing in port the next day. We all bursted out about our sloth and monkey adventure that awaited, and he, casually, was telling us about the monkeys that live in his backyard back in his country, where he's from, and that he could play with them and hold them, but that it was too bad that we couldn't hold them anymore. Now, immediately my brain went to that can't be right. I must have misunderstood what he was trying to say, or perhaps he didn't know what we were doing. For our excursions we were going to get to hold sloths and play with monkeys. You know, I just wanted to push back to explain, to perhaps even Google it or show him our tickets to prove him wrong. But something inside me just said let it go wrong, but something inside me just said let it go Now fast forward to Honduras.

Speaker 1: 2:26

That next day, it turns out, a new law had just passed no holding sloths, no playing with the monkeys. The waiter was completely right. Now, a little detail to give here is supposedly the law was created just recently in April of 2025, as some of these places who had monkeys and had sloths weren't giving the monkeys enough rest in between such playtimes, or they were allowing the patrons to hold the sloths too much, not giving them natural playtime in their environments. So the law made sense. But in that moment I realized how tempting it is to need to be right and how much energy we can waste proving a point, especially when we don't have the full picture.

Speaker 1: 3:13

Now we all face these moments in the office, at home, on social media, that urge to argue. It's like an itch we want to scratch. But as leaders, our influence often depends more on what we don't say than what we do. Now there are three leadership lessons I think we can get from this. First of all, curiosity over certainty. Harvard Business Review found that leaders who ask more questions are rated as more effective by 85% of employees. And Aristotle said it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Now I've witnessed this with my own children. One will say something that the other one misunderstands, and suddenly they snap back in defense. It's frustrating for all who witness it, but it's also a little comical as it's. Just as we just said, we misconstrue things and misunderstand Instead of arguing. What if we stopped and asked questions to be able to understand, we all could avoid a lot of misunderstandings altogether. Right, so ask those questions, my friends. Remember. Curiosity opens doors. Certain certainty closes them.

Speaker 1: 4:25

Number two preserve the relationship over winning the point. A study from the University of California showed that contentious debates in workplace teams led to a 27% drop in trust between members. Dr Phil says and probably half of all long-term couples would agree with him you can be right or you can be married. So, in other words, is it really worth the argument? There are many a times I'll be sitting in a staff meeting and I feel this one. I'd much rather preserve the relationship, though, than hurt someone's feelings or even embarrass them by proving them wrong. Likewise, I'm grateful for times people have let me lead with my dignity. So next time you're eager to argue, think about how sometimes, the cost of being right is far greater than the value of being right. And number three timing is everything In my cruise story. Had I argued at dinner, I would have not only wasted emotional energy but also potentially looked very foolish later.

Speaker 1: 5:31

We live in such an instantaneous world that we tend to think we have to do something, to take action now. But you don't have to respond instantly, whether that be in response to a text or an email or even a remark. Pausing gives you the space to choose whether an argument is even worth having Now. There are three things I think we can implement next time we're tempted to argue. First off would be a pause. It's that whole pause.

Speaker 1: 5:57

Before you pounce when you feel that I'm right impulse, just wait five seconds before responding. Ask yourself will this matter in 24 hours from now, or even is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Second thing that we can do is to swap statements for questions. So instead of that's not true? Try, oh, where did you hear that? Or what makes you say that? Even if someone always has facts wrong, instead of just dismissing them, we can even help them learn to fact check versus believe everything they hear by simply asking questions.

Speaker 1: 6:35

And the third tip build a let it go muscle. Any song come to your mind. Choose one conversation this week where you could argue, but you choose not to Maybe journal the outcome or just take note of how the relationship or tone improved. So pause before you pounce, swap statements for questions and build a let it go muscle. I really resisted the urge to sing there. You're welcome.

Speaker 1: 7:04

Overall, keep in mind that resisting the urge to argue it's not a weakness, it's actually a leadership strength. Curiosity protects relationships and creates better outcomes than certainty alone. So keep in mind we might not have the latest update, but we can stay curious versus certain and, just as in parenting, pick your battles. You don't have to fight every battle or argument. See the best leaders. They choose wisely. Make sure that the wise leader shows up, not the foolish. Socrates said, when the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. But I'd add, when the debate isn't even worth having, the best leaders simply smile and save their energy for what really matters. Or, as the penguins in Madagascar say, smile and wave boys, smile and wave.

Speaker 1: 7:56

If today's episode helped you rethink the way you handle disagreements, I'd welcome you to share it with someone who might be gearing up for an unnecessary argument. And remember leadership isn't just about being right, it's about being effective. Thank you for joining me on this journey of life. I hope that today's highlight has been encouraging, inspiring and equipping so you can go out and live your life full of purpose. I'd be honored if you'd take a moment to leave a review or, better yet, subscribe. We can also stay in touch by joining my email list at hollykirbycom, that's H-O-L-L-Y, c-u-r-b-y dot com. Until next time, make it a great day for a great day.