Why We Feel Insulted - 5 Steps to Turn Offense into Strength

Have you ever tried to help someone, only to be met with that tone? You know the one — the subtle dig, the dismissive glance, the air of superiority that makes you pause and wonder:
“Wait… did they just talk down to me?”

In today’s episode of Holly’s Highlights, we’re unpacking a powerful truth:

👉 What if offense is more than hurt feelings — what if it’s an opportunity for growth?

You’ll learn:
💡 Why your brain processes offense like physical pain
💡 The two core emotional needs offense threatens
💡 How to reframe your interpretation using biblical truth & psychological insight
💡 5 practical steps to turn offense into strength
💡 Why pausing before reacting can protect your peace — and your purpose

With wisdom from Scripture (Proverbs 19:11, Ecclesiastes 7:21), insights from therapy models, and a vulnerable real-life story, Holly walks you through how to go from wounded to wise — from reactive to resilient.

✨ Whether you’re a parent, leader, friend, or faith-driven encourager — this episode will help you:

✔️ Guard your identity
✔️ Respond with grace instead of gossip
✔️ Reclaim your power when someone else’s tone tries to steal it

🔔 If this episode hit home:
✅ Subscribe so you never miss a moment of encouragement
📝 Leave a review — it helps more women find hope and strength
📲 Share this episode with a friend who’s navigating hurt or misunderstanding
📚 Grab Holly’s book “Face-Lift: Embracing Hope Through Heartache” — available on Amazon & local bookstores

💬 Join the conversation:
Have you ever felt dismissed or talked down to when trying to help? How did you handle it — and what did it teach you?
DM Holly on Instagram or tag @hollyshighlights with your takeaway from today’s episode!

Next Week: 🎧 “How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt — A Practical Guide for People-Pleasers” 💪

🌟 And remember:
You is smart. You is kind. You is important.
And you are strong — even when it stings.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Holly's Highlights

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, friend, welcome to Holly's Highlights, a podcast designed to encourage, inspire and equip you to intentionally live your life full of purpose. I'm your host, holly Kirby, motivational speaker, leadership cultivator, marketing strategist and personal cheerleader. Let's check out today's highlights. Hi, I am Holly Kirby, speaker, author and host of Holly's Highlights Podcast. Want exclusive insights behind the scenes stories and tools to level up your life and business? Join my free email list today. You'll get early access to podcast episodes, event updates and special content just for you. It's quick, it's easy and, yes, it's 100% free. So head on over to hollykirbycom and sign up now. That's wwwhollykirbycom. Let's stay connected. I've got so much more to share with you.

Speaker 1: 0:55

Hello, my friends, have you ever tried to help someone? Maybe offered your time, your energy, even kindness, and instead of appreciation, you got that tone. Now you know the one, that subtle dig, that air of superiority, that chest tightening feeling that makes you think, wait, did they just talk down to me? Well, it happened to me recently and I was genuinely trying to help someone. But the way they spoke it just felt like I was being dismissed, like I didn't measure up, and, I'll be honest, I felt not only hurt, but I felt offended. But here's the question I want us to unpack today why do moments like that hurt so deeply and, even more importantly, how can we use offense as a tool for growth rather than emotional baggage? So what's really happening when we feel offended, when we feel insulted?

Speaker 1: 1:50

There's actually a fascinating psychological process happening. According to research from the American Psychological Association, perceived insults trigger the same regions of the brain as physical pain, especially the anterior cingulate cortex. In other words, your brain processes social rejection and emotional hurt like a punch in the gut. But there's more. When we sense condescension, it often pokes at two very human needs, the first of those being the need for respect because, let's face it, we're humans and we are wired for dignity. But that second one is the need to be seen accurately. We want our intentions to be understood. Now, when either of these get threatened, the brain's threat detection system so the amygdala it goes into high alert and that's why our heart races, our face gets warm and even our mind starts firing back those mental comebacks. Or, if you're like me, it doesn't come until later on, and then I kind of regret that I didn't come up with them sooner. But it's actually probably a good thing that I didn't hurt anyone's feelings by being able to come back with such wit. Well, here's the twist we need to keep in mind when this happens what we feel isn't always what actually is being said.

Speaker 1: 3:07

Dr Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, once said you largely control your emotion by how you interpret what happens to you. So sometimes people are really talking down to us, but other times their tone is shaped by their own insecurities or stress or even just lack of self-awareness. And we just happen to be the nearest target In my situation, when I replayed the moment, I realized I didn't just hear their words. I actually filtered it through past experiences where I had been underestimated, and that filter then magnified the sting. Now, when I get in my feels, I like to see what scripture says about how I'm feeling, and the Bible actually has a lot to say about how we handle moments like these. Proverbs 19.11 says A person's wisdom yields patience. It is to one's glory to overlook an offense. And Ecclesiastes 7.21-22 reminds us Do not take heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others. Now these verses aren't telling us to ignore mistreatment, so don't misunderstand me, but they are encouraging us to choose a posture of patience and perspective, recognizing that offense is often a mirror, and it's showing us both their humanness but also our own. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and you might recognize that from our season two, episode 17, topic of overcoming inferiority. Now, while Ms Roosevelt's words are empowering, they also are a challenge, because it means part of the work is actually ours.

Speaker 1: 4:51

The way we respond determines whether we stay in a place of offense or we move into a place of strength. So how can we turn offenses into that strength? Well, there's five we're going to unpack here. First of all, pause before reacting. Give your brain just six to 10 seconds to switch from that amygdala so the reactive brain to the prefrontal cortex, the rational side of the brain. Deep breathe, relax your shoulders, count to 10.

Speaker 1: 5:23

In my book, facelift, I share how we need to be cautious responding to texts or emails when we're hangry or tired or emotional. Well, this applies here too, of being in our feels. I often remind my kids we don't have to respond to things right away. We're often better actually of just taking a moment to breathe and to pause before reacting or replying, and I like to even add in there, pray about it. You'll notice. This response instead of reacting technique also helps you build that emotional intelligence too, and that is something that a lot of businesses look for in their leaders and even their new hires is emotional intelligence. So pause before reacting.

Speaker 1: 6:06

Number two ask yourself is this about me or them? See, often people project their frustrations or their own insecurities, and that doesn't make it okay, but it can help you to not internalize it. We can, however, ask ourself why it bothered us so much and then try to trace that emotion so you can work on that. Maybe their words reminded you of a past rejection or failure that haven't fully processed as you thought you had. We can also take it and ask ourself is there any truth to what they said, anything that we can learn from it? But again reminding yourself that often people are projecting. So this is more about them than us, and that can help us not take such a hard emotional hit, but rather help us build a bit of resilience. So is this about me or them?

Speaker 1: 6:57

Number three seek clarity without accusation. So try asking hey, I may be misunderstanding, but can you clarify what you meant. One thing to keep in mind. Here is something I heard recently from a superintendent of a school district out here in Utah. He said texting or emailing should be for informational purposes. Talking in person should be for conversational purposes. That's brilliant. So much can get lost in translation when we text or email. So take the time to seek clarity in person Now. Seeking such clarity helps turn the offense into a moment of growth. But perhaps that growth is going to be for both of you, into a moment of growth. But perhaps that growth is going to be for both of you. See, so often we have a fight or flight response to such insulting moments. Again, check out my book Facelift Embracing Hope Through your Heartaches, which is available on Amazon and through your local bookstores, for more on this topic. But, as I tell my kids, don't run from your giants or, in this case, situations that make you feel uncomfortable. Otherwise your giants are only going to get bigger. So seek clarity without accusation.

Speaker 1: 8:07

Number four guard your identity. Your worth isn't up for debate period, so root yourself in truth. Psalm 139.14 tells us I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Now, part of life is learning. We're all different. We have different personalities and likes and dislikes, life experiences, approaches to things. You name it. And don't get me wrong. We don't need to be a doormat to people, nor do we need to let such offenses harden our hearts and make us bitter and cold. But we can remind ourselves that other people's behavior toward us doesn't have to define our identity. There's a song out there I absolutely love. It's called the Truth by Megan Woods and it's regarding reminding ourselves who we are. It says we all fall short of the glory of God. We all are sinners who have the opportunity to be saved by grace. We all have room to grow in areas we can improve and we are all of worth, period. So guard your identity.

Speaker 1: 9:24

Number five decide what to carry forward. Not every battle needs to be fought, but every moment can teach us something. We can take such comments and apply what we can from them, but the rest of it that doesn't apply. Let it go. Learn when to walk away, what or who to block on social media, when to disengage, when we need to Protect your peace. That is part of your strength and the power you have in any situation. When my kids have been on the opposite end of an offense or just feeling down. I remind them of something we hear on the movie the Help you is smart, you is kind, you is important, and I always add to that, depending on which child I'm talking to, you is handsome or you is beautiful and you is loved. So decide what to carry forward Now.

Speaker 1: 10:18

A final caution be slow to share. When we're hurt, our instinct is to vent. We want to go, tell anyone and everyone who will listen, and we want validation about how we're feeling or what we're going through, and there are situations we are going to need wise counsel to be able to help navigate a situation. But pause and ask yourself two questions before you go and share this information. You have, or have someone done you wrong? First of all, have I gone to God about this more than I've gone to others? And above that, did I go to God first? We don't grow stronger by gossiping. We grow stronger by grounding ourselves. So the next time someone's words sting like a subtle jab, remember this offense is actually an invitation not to bitterness but to a deeper understanding of yourself and others.

Speaker 1: 11:15

Now let's go back to that moment I shared at the beginning, the one where I was just trying to help and instead I felt talked down to and just disrespected. In the past, I might have stood on that moment for days, replaying it, rehearsing what I should have said, letting it take up too much space in my mind and in my heart. But this time I chose to pause, I took a breath, I took it to God and prayed about it and, instead of reacting out of hurt, I asked myself is this really about me? Or is this person coming from a place of their own stress or insecurity? And you know what that next week unfolded, pretty much as I had cautioned about. No need for any comments in return, no need to say I was right. Perhaps they never even knew how they came across, but I didn't let it define me. I reminded myself of who I am, of whose I am, and I chose to let that moment strengthen me instead of shake me. And you can too.

Speaker 1: 12:16

Now, if this episode encouraged you, be sure to subscribe to Holly's Highlights. Leave a review. This helps others find the show. Share this episode with a friend who's perhaps felt misunderstood lately, and even check out my book Facelift Embracing Hope Through your Heartaches. It's available on Amazon and in your local bookstores.

Speaker 1: 12:34

Now coming up in a few weeks is how to set boundaries without guilt a practical guide for people pleasers. So this topic might be a good one to tune into. On this next one as well, remember my friend you is smart, you is kind, you is important and you is strong even when it stings. Until next time, stay encouraged, stay inspired, stay equipped and keep shining your light. Thank you for joining me on this journey of life. I hope that today's highlight has been encouraging, inspiring and equipping so you can go out and live your life full of purpose. I'd be honored if you'd take a moment to leave a review or, better yet, subscribe. We can also stay in touch by joining my email list at hollykirbycom, that's H-O-L-L-Y-C-U-R-B-Y dot com. Until next time, make it a great day for a great day.