How to Set Boundaries without Guilt

Setting boundaries isn't about being rude or selfish—it's about protecting your peace and improving your relationships. Research shows people who set clear boundaries are not only happier but 53% more productive, while 60% of us feel stressed because we lack them.

• Boundaries are gates (not walls) that allow you to control what and who gets access to your time and energy
• Even Jesus set boundaries—if he could say no, we can too
• "No" is a complete sentence that doesn't require explanation or apology
• Reframe boundaries as acts of love that protect both parties from resentment
• Use the "pause rule" before committing to requests to give yourself time to decide
• Try the three-part boundary script: state it clearly, offer an alternative if desired, end kindly
• Start with small boundaries and build up your "boundary muscle" over time
• Leverage technology to support your boundaries (Do Not Disturb mode, calendar blocking)
• Guilt is a sign you're unlearning people-pleasing, not doing something wrong
• Every "no" frees up space for your best "yes"

This week, write down three areas where you're feeling drained, choose one boundary to practice, and tell a friend to help keep you accountable. For more resources, check out Season 1, Episode 9 on avoiding burnout as well as the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Holly's Highlights
• 2:20 The Importance of Setting Boundaries
• 4:31 Reframing Boundaries as Acts of Love
• 6:57 Five Practical Boundary-Setting Strategies
• 9:17 Your Challenge for the Week
• 10:04 Recommended Resources and Closing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, friend, welcome to Holly's Highlights, a podcast designed to encourage, inspire and equip you to intentionally live your life full of purpose. I'm your host, holly Kirby, motivational speaker, leadership cultivator, marketing strategist and personal cheerleader. Let's check out today's highlights. Hello, my friends, can I be really honest?

Speaker 1: 0:24

I used to be the world's biggest people pleaser. I know that may come as a surprise for you, but for most of my life I have said yes to almost everything those extra projects at work, the last minute favor, even getting out and helping with this or that, or attending this or that, even when I just wanted to sit at home in my sweatpants and watch Netflix Speaking of the new Virgin River season. And the new when Calls the Heart season aren't coming out until 2026. Now what is a girl to do? Anyhow, I digress. The point is there are so many times I have said yes when I wanted to say no. Now mine tend to be for two reasons. First of all, fomo. It's real, that literal fear of missing out, especially when it's with my family, because I just want to be with them 24-7. Even if it's just sitting there staring at a rock, I'm game. But then two, I don't want to let people down. Well, if that sounds like you, stick with me, because today we're talking about how to set boundaries without guilt. I've got research, scripture and some really practical scripts that you can start using today. This one's especially for my fellow people pleasers who feel guilty for protecting their own peace. Life's hardest seasons can leave us searching for light. Facelift, embracing Hope Through your Heartaches is a powerful reminder. Peace on Amazon, online at Target and Walmart and through local bookstores everywhere. Bulk discounts are available through the publisher, coiler Books, so grab copies for your whole group today. Facelift, embracing hope through your heartaches a fresh perspective, a deeper faith and the hope your heart has been longing for.

Speaker 1: 2:20

So why does setting boundaries matter? Well, here's the thing Boundaries are not about being rude or selfish. They're about protecting the best parts of you. Research from the American Psychological Association says 60% of us feel stressed because we don't set clear boundaries, whether it be at work or in relationships, and Harvard Business Review found that people who do set boundaries they're not only happier, but also 53% more productive. So let me ask you do you want to be more stressed and resentful or more peaceful and productive? Well, hopefully you chose the latter, and in that case, boundaries are the answer.

Speaker 1: 3:03

One verse that can really help challenge our thought process is Proverbs 4.23. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Think about that. Guarding your heart isn't being cold or selfish, it's protecting your peace so that you can love better. Even Jesus set boundaries In Mark 1, people begged him to stay and heal more in one town, and what did he say? Nope, he moved on. If Jesus can say no, oh my goodness, you and I can too.

Speaker 1: 3:37

Brene Brown, author of Dare to Lead, expresses that daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. See, she nails one of my concerns. Now, one thing I've caught myself doing is if I do say no, or implementing my boundaries well, I often explain why I have such a boundary or why I'm unable to do something. American novelist Anne Lamott brilliantly shares that no is a complete sentence. Isn't that freeing? No period, not no comma, not no explanation, not no apology, just no. Now there are different types of boundaries Boundaries out of pride, where we won't accept something from others, and to that I like something a Sunday school teacher of mine said years ago don't rob someone the joy of doing something for you, but then also boundaries we struggle to set regarding what we will allow or what is acceptable within our life, and this could involve behaviors, actions, responsibilities, interactions with others. It could be from what we physically do, emotionally, how we allow ourself to feel, what we spend our time on, our mental space, material stuff, even our relationships with others. It could include anyone in any place, from family and friends to work and church and school, or simply out and about in the world with strangers. Let's take a look at five practical strategies that can help us set those boundaries in our life.

Speaker 1: 5:11

First off, reframe boundaries as love. When I started really focusing on practicing boundaries, I kept telling myself I'm not rejecting someone, I'm protecting both of us from resentment. See, saying no now is actually saying yes to a healthier relationship. What seems like a simple boundary I really have had to hold myself accountable to this year is not cleaning up after one of my kiddos. Now I knew setting the boundary of not cleaning up this child's mess would set that boundary for me of not feeling like a maid, but also help show love in teaching this child how to be more responsible. Now, sometimes that is truly hard, as I like to serve my children and I like to do things out of love for them, of my children, and I like to do things out of love for them. But I had to reframe this boundary as love in what I was giving them, so the opportunity to mature and be more responsible. So reframe boundaries as love.

Speaker 1: 6:11

Two the pause rule. Instead of blurting out, yes, try, let me check my schedule and get back to you Now. I use this one all of the time, not only because I do have a very full schedule and legit need to check my calendar, but it also gives me space before committing. Now, during this time, we could ask ourself do I want to actually do this? But for me, I genuinely enjoy serving and helping others. So it's not a matter of want, but rather, should I actually do this, or am I just afraid of disappointing someone? I once heard the fact of saying yes to something is saying no to something else, and I often use that as a filter. So guard your yeses and implement the pause rule.

Speaker 1: 6:59

Number three the three-part boundary script. Sometimes we just don't know what to say or how to handle implementing our boundaries. So try this next time someone asks too much of you, first off, state it clearly I'm not available on Sundays. Two offer an alternative if you want to, but I'd love to meet you on Monday. And then three end kindly. Thanks for understanding. See how it's clear, kind and not apologetic. That's the sweet spot. Now I'm still working on this, as I often apologize for everything. State it, offer an alternative if you want, and end kindly. There's a simple three-part boundary script.

Speaker 1: 7:46

Now, number four start small. Don't start with saying no getting together for a family function or a work obligation. Start with something like muting that noisy group chat after 10 pm. Boundaries are like muscles they get stronger the more you use them. But you got to start small and build up. And then, number five leverage technology. Use your do not disturb on your phone, block out, focus time on your calendar. I have started muting my phone to help with distractions while I'm doing something, so setting the boundary of accessibility 24-7. And I even plug in my phone and leave it in a separate room at night so that I can protect the boundary of time with my munchkins. Remember, even Jesus had to sneak away to recharge. You're allowed to also.

Speaker 1: 8:34

So what can we simplistically take away from today? Well, boundaries are gates, not walls. Walls shut people out, but gates allow you the flexibility to decide what and who to allow access to your time, emotions and your life. Guilt is also a sign that you're unlearning people-pleasing not that you're doing something wrong, so don't let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise. In other words, don't lose your boundaries to needy or powerful or power hungry people, and every no frees up space for your best. Yes, I like to think of it as my no's are an investment to what I get to say yes to.

Speaker 1: 9:19

Here's your challenge for the week. I want you to write down three areas where you're feeling drained. Think about them for a moment and then write them down. Three areas where you're feeling drained. Then I want you to choose one boundary to practice. Write it down wherever you need to so that you can hold yourself accountable to it, whether it be on a sticky note, put it up on your mirror or on your desk computer, whether it be to put it in your phone in the notes section there. But choose one boundary to practice this week. And then I want you to tell a friend or me if you tag me at Holly Kirby on Instagram, holly's highlights on Facebook, but share what you're committing to, I promise, the more you practice, the easier it's going to get. Want more related to this topic. Check out six tips to avoid burnout right here on Holly's Highlights podcast, in season one, episode nine.

Speaker 1: 10:14

And then I highly, highly, highly recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and Mark Townsend. They'll dive in deep on when to say yes, how to say no, and all so that you can take control of your life. I went deep in this book about three years ago and it is one of the best, very well worth the read in time investment. There's also a workbook that can accompany it. If you want to do that, I highly recommend that too, and that will help you truly tackle this topic. And just throwing it out there, this book is a fabulous one for a book club or even Bible study to do with others.

Speaker 1: 10:47

Now, if this episode hit home, I welcome you to send it to a friend who never takes a lunch break, or that coworker that says yes to every meeting. Share it to your stories, even tag me. I'd love to cheer you on as you start building boundaries without guilt. Remember, protecting your peace is not selfish, it's sacred and well. If you think this topic hasn't applied and you got this all under control. I'd ask the all too famous question from Dr Phil how's that working for you? As Proverbs 22, three cautions the prudence, see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. Thank you for joining me on this journey of life. I hope that today's highlight has been encouraging, inspiring and equipping so you can go out and live your life full of purpose. I'd be honored if you'd take a moment to leave a review or, better yet, subscribe. We can also stay in touch by joining my email list at hollykirbycom, that's H-O-L-L-Y-C-U-R-B-Ycom. Until next time, make it a great day for a great day.