Ep. 39 - Redefining Masculinity: How Do Men Express Vulnerability in Relationships?

Men's vulnerability is often misunderstood, seen as a weakness rather than a path for deeper connections. This episode explores what vulnerability means for men, the significance of having safe relationships, and how emotional intelligence can help regulate and properly share feelings. 

• Understanding vulnerability as a willingness to expose feelings 
• Differences in how men and women share vulnerabilities 
• Importance of having trustworthy male friends for support 
• Societal pressures and the notion of toxic masculinity 
• Balancing emotional expression with emotional control 
• The framework of emotional intelligence in men 
• The role of empathy in male relationships 
• Seeking safe spaces for sharing emotions 
• Conclusion: the value of selective vulnerability

Transcript

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Men and Vulnerability

Speaker 1 0:02

All right , everyone , welcome back to the Psych and Theo podcast . Sam and Tim here , and we are discussing have been discussing some really good topics lately . I mean , I think they're all good topics , but sometimes they hit a little bit stronger than others . And today , though , we're going to be discussing about men and vulnerability the when and how . I think this is an important topic because we used to ask the question , or we did ask the question before is should men be vulnerable ? And the answer was yes , and we explained a little bit about how or why that's important . Today , we'll talk about how to be vulnerable and when to be vulnerable and with who to be vulnerable , so hopefully it provides a good guidance for those of you guys who are listening . Most of our audience , at least on Instagram , are male , but a lot of our listeners it's a pretty good mix , half and half , I think . No , actually , it's like 60-40 , 60 women and 40% men , so that's always good to just kind of see . But today we're going to talk about men and vulnerability , tim , about what this looks like and what vulnerability actually is . So , if you're tuning in , thank you for doing so , share the podcast , leave us a rating review and follow us on Instagram . We need one more , at this point at least . We need one more to hit 100 , and that allows us to kind of take in the data and make some better decisions , that we're moving forward with our content . Have some good ideas for next year . Yeah , we can continue to tune in . So let's jump into the topic .

Speaker 1 1:35

Tim , vulnerability , discussing vulnerability , and the first thing that I'll do is I will learn from my good friend , tim here . Let's define our terms Vulnerability what does it mean to be vulnerable ? Well , this was something discussed a lot on social media four or five years ago , and everyone was sharing the deepest , darkest secrets and traumas of their lives . And I started to think to myself is this a good thing that people are doing ? And everyone was telling everyone to be vulnerable , and even more so , there was this push , as we're talking about masculinity , about men need to be vulnerable . They need to share their thoughts , their feelings and everything else , and I don't know I had some questions as to whether or not that's good or not , but it is . We'll discuss when and how , but first , what is vulnerability ? So vulnerability is essentially the willingness to expose your feelings , thoughts and experiences , including your fears , insecurities and emotions , and doing so with people who you would consider to be close to you .

Speaker 1 2:40

Now , in a previous episode , I made a distinction between how men and women kind of not how they share vulnerability , but how they communicate vulnerability in their circles , and men often do so when they are side by side with someone . Women usually do it face to face , meaning that in groups , women listen to each other , they take turns , they empathize with each other , and it's usually in conversation . For men , it's as they're doing things , they're talking about different things and all of a sudden they'll tie in something from their life and touch on that a little bit , and that's how they briefly share . They're testing the waters essentially . So , yeah , so essentially , men are not taught to be vulnerable , and I don't know if that's the message that I would even start with when I talk about men being vulnerable .

Speaker 1 3:33

I think the first thing I would start with is do you have some good , safe Christian men around you ? I think that's what . Before even sharing about vulnerability , I want to see what your circle looks like , because oftentimes men already feel like they're not listened to or heard . So to already have that feeling going into a situation or into a group where you're being called to be vulnerable . That's going to be tough to just go from zero to 60 , just like that .

Speaker 1 4:05

So , first it's identified , do you have any good , safe Christian men in your circles ? Right , good men , men who are working , men who are serving the church , serving the Lord , serving others , men who are committed to their profession , doing what they need to do , and then are they following the Lord , and what does that look like ? What do you admire about them in their pursuit of the Lord and so on ? So that you have those men around you , then you can start thinking about being vulnerable . But I do have a question for you , tim , because we're talking about men and vulnerability . What have you , I guess , understood , or what kind of messaging have you had about vulnerability ?

Speaker 2 4:49

For me me personally .

Speaker 1 4:50

Or like what , like what ? What have you heard when you hear the word um men need to be more vulnerable ? Like what ? What kind of comes up for you as you think about that ?

Speaker 2 5:01

Well , honestly , I mean , in recent years , I've seen just the opposite . I've seen a push toward uh , lack like don't . They don't say don't be vulnerable , but uh , it's a push toward uh , like an expressive masculinity that doesn't show vulnerability , right , um , it's kind of , yeah , toxic masculinity . Yeah , so I mean um , um , yeah , toxic masculinity . Yeah , so I mean um , you know , I don't think I've actually experienced a personal like on a personal level , of like people saying you need to be . I've had some people say to me be more vulnerable . They've told you yeah , and I just like you can't , you can't just demand that of people Like the walls are going to go up and you do like , oh , wow , you told me to be more vulnerable . Okay , here are my scars , like , here are my warts and my scabs . It's like , what are you doing ? You know , I just find it annoying when people say those things you know , um , I don't know , like . I think there's so many cliches around the issue that it's hard to get to a specific of like what's vulnerable and what's not . Here's some examples I have seen in recent years pushing in the opposite direction of pushing men not to be vulnerable . They'll say things like I saw something on Twitter a couple of years ago . Someone said your family should never see you cry , you should never allow your family to see you cry , and , of course , all of the mindless midwits you know tweeting below that . We're like yeah , you're totally right . Yeah , like one time , like my dad cried in front of us and we never looked at it in the same way again . It's like you guys are just full of it , like you're , you guys are a bunch of liars . Like , yeah , like , so there's a , there's a push toward that . Like , um , I think it's a .

Speaker 2 6:45

I think there's a reaction to the , the uh feminist culture that wants to make masculinity toxic and therefore reward men who are more effeminate or more vulnerable . Let's say , not the femininity and vulnerability go hand in hand , that's not what I'm saying but men who are willing to be more emotionally vulnerable and expressive , they get rewarded . And then the toxic the quote unquote , toxic masculinity gets punished . Well then , there's a reaction to that now , where men are like if you think that's toxic , wait till you see this , and maybe they , they want to even just have more outward expressions of masculinity .

Speaker 2 7:28

Don't cry , don't do this , don't do that . We just know that's foolish , that's , that's not how human beings are . Yeah , human beings are wired in a certain way . Now men are going to cry less than men or than women . Um , men are going to be , on average , in general , going to be less emotionally , um triggered , like triggered , uh , less emotionally , um , um , uh , wired to to to cry or to to want to want to show vulnerabilities , because men are protectors by nature and so , in being a protector , wanting to be a protector , is like I . I don't want people to worry about my vulnerabilities because I need to . I need to be concerned about other , I need to protect other people , so don't worry about me , I'm protecting you , kind of a mindset . Yeah , I think a lot of guys can relate to that . I think so too .

Speaker 1 8:18

And that was a big part of asking that question is that I think a lot of men relate to what you just shared is that I hear the conversation around vulnerability and I know kind of what it looks like . But depending on where you grew up and what your age is and maybe even your cultural background , you're going to have a different perspective on vulnerability . And again , the reason why I started off with can you identify first these good , safe Christian men in your life is because I don't think we don't even have step one down to be vulnerable . Because if you're vulnerable without having that security of good men around you , then really you're going to feel more exposed and you're going to feel less than You're going to feel incapable . You're going to feel like you're not worth it , like your worth also comes into play , because a big part of being a man is kind of what you were saying about am I responsible or can I be responsible for other people ? But to share just a little bit about how I came to my understanding of vulnerability is that the vulnerable piece is when you've reached your limit or when you're starting to get close to your limit of how much emotional pain you've been able to go through right .

Speaker 1 9:32

Men naturally need to reflect on things , to process it right . You process things on your own and then , once you've processed and made some sense of it , then you start sharing with other people of it . Then you start sharing with other people . Vulnerability is a controlled behavior , meaning that you're choosing to divulge some information about yourself , a weakness , an area that you don't feel too comfortable with , and you're choosing who you're going to deliver that message to , and I think what's happened is that it had been emphasized so much that men just started sharing with anyone , and what they realized is that those people really didn't care about what that information was , because they weren't the safe , good group of people that they needed . They just thought it was a matter of sharing . So you have men who then became overly emotional , to the point where they weren't able to control themselves overly emotional to the point where they weren't able to control themselves , right ?

Speaker 2 10:27

So so are you saying like in like , someone can become emotionally like dysregulated by oversharing , a lot like habitually oversharing . Yes , that's particularly right .

Speaker 1 10:38

Yeah , because imagine you're , imagine all you talk about is your emotions . Well , what about the control of emotions ? Yeah , isn't isn't one of the one of the fruits of the spirit ? Self-control , right ? And I think a big part of that ties into this aspect of not just masculinity but vulnerability is that if you're always talking about your emotions , what's always on your mind your emotions , but not restraints , not discipline , not goodness , right , it's . How am I feeling ? So men would first need to be able to do is to be able to experience an emotion , identify the emotion and then regulate that emotion . That's just emotional maturity in general , or emotional intelligence .

Speaker 1 11:21

What we would call today is that people who are emotionally intelligent are not the ones who have necessarily can talk about their emotions , and that's often confused a lot and that's actually been a good conversation in the counseling field is that people are confusing emotional intelligence with being able to talk about your emotion . That's not emotional intelligence . Emotional intelligence is experiencing an emotion , identifying what emotion that is and then regulating that emotion . Right , Because people can talk about their feelings all they want , but if they don't know how to actually regulate it , then that's not intelligent , because you're just experiencing what everyone else is experiencing , right . So if someone experiences anger , okay , that's okay , experiencing right . So if someone experiences anger , okay , that's okay .

Speaker 1 12:08

We all experience anger at some point right Now . What kind of anger is it ? Is it rage , like what caused you to become in a in a state of rage or fury ? Right ? Is it justifiable , right ? So if someone speaks ill of your family , like , should you be at a rage ? Should you be angry , frustrated , upset , disappointed with something Like what's the emotion ? That would tie in , and that's going to vary with different people . But if you can identify what the emotion is , then you look at that and you say , okay , how can I regulate this emotion ? What is this going to cause me to do ? It would not be appropriate for you to go up to someone and punch them in the face because he said something about your family . You may feel that way , but the emotional intelligence piece that you're able to regulate that emotion and make different sense of it . Is it going to be beneficial for me to do that ? No , it's probably not wise for me to do that , right ? And that's where this happens .

Speaker 2 13:01

So instead of punching them in the face , you plot to get them later .

Speaker 1 13:05

You make this long-term plan .

Speaker 2 13:07

Yeah , long-term plan 20 years .

Speaker 1 13:11

Yeah , at some point it'll come .

Speaker 2 13:12

Okay . Well then , what's the difference between self-control that is , regulating your emotions and repressing ?

Speaker 1 13:19

your emotions Good so .

Navigating Masculinity and Empathy

Speaker 2 13:21

Because a lot of men would be there where I'm not going to talk about , I'm not going to like . They grew up in an environment where it wasn't safe to talk about certain things . Yeah , dad told him don't cry , men , men , don't cry , boys don't cry . A lot of , you know a lot of guys grew up in that or you know maybe they didn't hear that message , but if you did cry , you got punished or like you got ostracized in some way . You , you were labeled a crybaby or whatever .

Speaker 1 13:42

Yeah , so remember the first one was experience the emotion . So if you cried before that's the experience of the emotion , right . And you were told don't cry . As you continue to receive that message and you got older , you just don't cry , even for things that are really really sad or really painful Physically . You can't cry because you have that strong messaging . So you're missing the first thing , which is to experience the emotion . So how do you break free from that ? Right ? And that's where it becomes very difficult , because you have to start first with the messaging Is it okay to cry Like ?

Speaker 1 14:17

From my belief system background , it wasn't seen as positive for you to cry Like . You got to tough it out . Life is hard , tough it out , okay . So that's what I grew up with .

Speaker 1 14:26

But , man , there was a time where I experienced so much pain and all I could do was cry . I didn't share that with other people , but I myself cried . I'm like why am I crying ? I was shaming myself . Why am I crying ? I need to be tough about this , I don't . Why is this affecting me so much ?

Speaker 1 14:41

And I remember that because I hadn't let myself pray for so many years . Then I get to this point , and it was so painful that there was nothing else to do but to pray . And I just sat on that and said , okay , this is weird . What kind of sense does this make ? What does this mean about me as a man ? What does this mean about me moving forward and so on ? And you just start to make sense of it . So you have to make sense of this new message in your life that it works for you where you're able to identify and then control it . So now I can still experience that and know what it's like , but I'm going to choose what things . I'm going to allow myself to experience that type of pain again . So you become more selective . I'm not going to cry for something that someone else is going to cry , because I would feel that my pain was so much that this is not at that level yet . But if something hits that level , I'll allow myself to cry .

Speaker 2 15:33

If that makes any sense .

Speaker 1 15:36

So that's why people who have experienced a lot of pain or a lot of trauma in their life you can't tell them to just cry , because they probably see something from the past that was much more painful than what they're currently going through and they're like well , this is not as bad as that was , so why would I cry for this ? You know it's because they've allowed all of that pain to happen at that time , so they don't see it at the same level anymore .

Speaker 2 15:58

yeah , right then what about this for you ? Another curveball then , what about ?

Speaker 2 16:03

about empathy ? So sometimes men receive a message that so men are often labeled as , like , they're lacking empathy . Okay , and how that translates is men don't cry with other people , like in a sad situation . Men may not feel the emotion of the situation or allow themselves to feel the emotion of the situation and to be affected by it . You know , but a truly empathetic person might , might do that . You know so , like you know where . So sometimes men receive this message well , if you , if you cry in this situation , you're not a man , you're weak , you know whatever .

Speaker 1 16:43

But then there might be told you're not empathetic if you , if you don't cry right , right no that's a great question and it actually brings up a really good point too is that , you know , because we are primarily logic focused or want to make sense of something , the lack of empathy in that specific scenario can actually be helpful . Right , it's the message that was wrong . Like , the message was you shouldn't cry . You know , that doesn't make you a man . That's not the message that you want to communicate to someone else . What you would communicate is as a man who's trying to show some empathy hey , I'm here for you . What do you need ? How can I help ? Right , that's communicating .

Speaker 1 17:28

Empathy is I feel what you're feeling . But if I feel everything that you're feeling right now , I'm not going to be objective enough to help you , to provide a solution , right , or to just sit with you . Even Like , if I sit with you and I experience exactly what you're feeling number one I can't experience it fully , but I can show you that I care , which I think is what matters more to men . It's not that you're feeling what I'm feeling because we don't know . Right , I can put myself in , I can listen to something that you share , and it could be the worst thing that I would ever experience . I would say , oh man , that would be tough for me to go through , so I wouldn't be able to feel what you're feeling , but I could show you that I care for you while I'm listening to you . Share right .

Speaker 1 18:02

Empathy is often confused and saying that I have more feelings or I can feel more because I'm feeling what you're experiencing , but you lose objectivity with that if you're feeling only what the other person is feeling . So empathy is good momentarily , not good in the long term , because that will continue to weigh you down . Imagine if you know working as a counselor . Imagine if my empathy was all on all the time . I'd be drained every single day because you're feeling everything that everyone is feeling . After hearing stories of trauma , I come home . I'm not thinking about it anymore because it's a skill that you have to learn to not stay attached to those things . So empathy is momentary . It's in the moment type of thing where you're just trying to connect with the person and letting them know that you care .

Speaker 1 18:49

There's the aspect of sympathy , which is feeling bad for someone . Empathy they describe it as feeling what the other person is feeling . So you want to do your best . The purpose of empathy is to help you feel connected to the person or to help the person feel that they're connected to you . Yeah , um , so I think for us as men is that when we look at vulnerability and we're hearing someone share , what we want to communicate to them is I care about you , not you're weak because you're you're showing a weakness right now , right , or you're not a man because you're showing weakness . It's I'm here for you . What do you need ? How can I help you ? Type of thing okay , I think .

Speaker 2 19:25

So you answered one part of the question . That's like how to respond to a man who is crying , but I'm talking more so about men who , who , um , can feel the situation , can feel the pain of another person , and , um , they're . Those men are often like they might become teary-eyed , you know , because they can feel , yeah , the emotion of another person , they truly do sympathize with another person , and that makes them emotional , and those men are told they're not being a man . What do you have to say about that ?

Speaker 1 19:56

Yeah , I mean . Well , that one piece is I don't think that's the . That's the message that they're communicating , that they're not being meant because they are empathizing with me . So are you saying like if you were to empathize ?

Speaker 2 20:09

I'm saying like outsiders , like , like a imagine , like a third party looking at a situation may like oh , and seeing another guy right , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 1 20:19

What would I say ?

Speaker 2 20:20

Hmm .

Speaker 1 20:22

Well , I mean , I guess I say they're sharing a brotherly moment there are being .

Speaker 2 20:30

How would you , how would you , respond to the critic is what I'm asking , yeah .

Speaker 1 20:35

What do you see to the critic ?

Speaker 2 20:38

Like , imagine you see a post on social media and it's one guy is now , we're not talking about the cringy , uh like manhood retreats that we see online . Yeah , I know , I could see your , I could see your mind , I go in there . I'm not talking about that . I'm talking about like , um , well , let's say , there's some guys who are , they're , just more in touch with their emotions . Okay , they feel things like like a pastor who tends to cry a bit more than others , maybe not every time , but he tends to get teary-eyed , you know something like that . And then some critic might say well , that guy always cries , you know , whatever it needs to toughen up . What would you say to that ?

Speaker 1 21:17

here's the reason why I'm struggling , because I think there's a part of me and this is where you know there's the self awareness piece there's a part of me where I kind of see that with the guy that would say , man , this guy always cries Because I think what I've seen not that it's fabricated , I don't want to say that , but I think people try to be empathetic .

Navigating Emotional Vulnerability in Men

Speaker 1 21:38

Does that make sense , as opposed to you ? When something bad happens in someone's life , there's this natural inclination to want to feel better about that , especially if it's someone that we care about , right . But I think for some people they don't feel that sad , but they try to fabricate it and they try to make it seem like they're being so empathetic because they're crying with this brother . That's where I feel like I get like a little , I don't know .

Speaker 1 22:04

It feels disingenuous , right , it doesn't feel real . I'm not saying everyone's like that , but that's the initial . So I'm trying to understand it from that perspective of okay , when I see it , how do I respond ? I think I respond with okay , that's a little too much for you to be crying at the same level that this guy's crying , to be with him in that moment . So it feels sometimes fake to me , but if it's not all the time and it's kind of okay , I can see that that deserves some some level of uh , of sadness and empathy for that person .

Speaker 1 22:38

But empathy doesn't mean even crying with the person either , right . Empathy doesn't mean mimicking the other person's emotion or behavior . Empathy is you really just trying to put yourself in their shoes . How would I feel if I was in their shoes , right ? So I think it's that piece , maybe , that the people who cry with the ones who are crying . I think they think that they're developing empathy or that they're showing empathy because they're experiencing the same emotion or they're displaying the same emotion , but that doesn't necessarily mean you're being empathetic .

Speaker 2 23:11

Okay , let me redirect , because I feel , like you're I think we're kind of talking past each other a little bit You're focused on like the , the one-on-one situation . I'm sort of thinking about like , uh , like just guys in general , like maybe they're in a group and they're talking about something and they and they they get a little emotional as they're talking about it , not necessarily like a trauma thing , let's say they're sharing a devotion or they're preaching a sermon , or they're giving a speech or whatever you know , or they're at a birthday party I saw an old man cry at a birthday party the other day , you know , and so it's not like every time . It's maybe like meh , like 5% of the time or something , like something where you don't see that guy cry all the time , but it's like a couple of times , you know , and just some like some things like get him more emotional and the critic says , ah , that guy's a wimp .

Speaker 1 23:57

Okay , well , I mean the , the , the direct thing to say to that guy who is saying oh , that guy's a wimp because he's crying . It's like , well , I mean , how would you feel ? I mean , how would you feel if you were in those shoes ? What would be a better way to respond to that situation ? To get them to be a little bit more reflective , because I think people who are harsh critics I don't think they have the time or have taken the time , I'm sorry to think about how they actually feel about certain things , I mean , on top of them being wrong and making that assessment . It would be a matter of okay , well , how do I get this person who seems to think that someone crying is weak I wonder what would make this person cry ? Like , what would it take for you to get to that point ? Say nothing , nothing will ever .

Speaker 2 24:43

There's something .

Speaker 1 24:44

I just don't know what that is . It would be kind of that .

Speaker 2 24:47

So that was my thought . I just didn't know .

Speaker 2 24:49

I was waiting to see if you said and that's , that's reflection yeah that that the critic oftentimes is not a deeply reflective person , because if they were to stop and think about their own life a little bit , they would realize , oh , I can be brought to the depths of to to tears too about certain things , like some . There are some things that will bring me to tears , even in public . You know , and I think , reflecting on that , that human beings are this way and that it's . It's okay in some instances not every time like we're talking about , but it's okay for men and at times to show that kind of vulnerability .

Speaker 1 25:32

Yeah I mean , well , the verse that's used quite often is what jesus wept , right ? Yeah , like that's one where a lot of um christians would say , well , you know , jesus wept , he was the manliest man of all , right , and say why can't you cry ? And again , I think that goes back to people's history , like I'm thinking now about my dad and I , you know , as a teenager I saw my dad maybe cry two or three times and it wasn't because he necessarily had the machismo about him . I know that that was something he grew up with , but he didn't have like a like he didn't have that , but he was a tougher guy .

Speaker 1 26:06

But when I hear about his story , like man , how did you go through all of that ? And you're here , right , so it makes sense on that scale , meaning that he experienced so many other negative things before his life at that time when I saw him cry that I would think to myself , well , it makes sense why you wouldn't cry . I mean , you have so much more pain in your background . So I think a lot of people who get to that point , they just get what's the word dismissive of life issues , because I've experienced , or they see themselves I've experienced much worse and I didn't cry , type of thing .

Speaker 2 26:42

But I think you know , to your point about maybe your dad's testimony or some other guys that have come through a lot of really hard stuff . Yeah , Even those guys they're they're tough as nails kind of guys I would dare say was your dad a Christian ? Yeah , Okay , I would dare say , even though , like some of the guys that are tough as nails have come , that have come through a lot of stuff , If you get them to talk about the Lord and what the Lord did in their life or how the Lord brought them out of something , you'll you'll see the tears , you know , cause that's something that's very deep in their soul .

Speaker 1 27:16

Yeah , that's good yeah .

Speaker 2 27:18

And if you get them to talk about eternity and heaven or just the thought of being with the Lord , like you'll see it , yeah , and so I think that that's that deep reflection that I'm talking about , where there are certain things that it's okay to tear up about you know , because they're worth tearing up about .

Speaker 1 27:33

Right

Balancing Vulnerability and Boundaries

Speaker 1 27:34

, right . And you know . What's more powerful about that and I'm sure you've experienced it too , tim is that think about the deepest , darkest moments that you've been in your life , and who else was there ? Who else was by your bed when you were praying that prayer , when you were crying your heart out Like no one else was there . Not that because you didn't have friends or people who wanted to be there . You did have friends , you did have people there , but it's those moments when the emotions just hit you out of nowhere . And who else are you gonna share that with ? You share with the Lord . That's why it creates so much meaning , is that ? Yeah , when I talk about how the Lord was there for me during that time , it means something to me because that was in my deepest , darkest pain . He was there right . So it carries a lot of meaning , and I remember hearing this phrase too is like the stoic or the warrior right , the person who's been through all these different battles .

Speaker 1 28:27

They cry in secret or they cry in their times alone . For the Christian , I think it's different with the non-Christian , because the Christian , when they are alone , they're actually not , because they're praying to the Lord , so they're crying their heart out before the Lord , so that creates that intimate , close relationship with the Lord , and I don't know what it would look like for a non-Christian . I think they experienced that loneliness at a different level is that they're crying to themselves . They don't have anyone . Maybe sometimes the Lord even uses that to Lord I don't have anyone here . If you're real , you know , meet me here where I am right , type of thing .

Speaker 1 29:02

But I do see that it's not that they don't . Nothing makes them tear or cry or experience any level of pain is that there's . No , they don't see a benefit to sharing that pain with other people because it's their own pain and it means something to them , even for the Christian too . Right , their pain in their relationship with the Lord means something , is something so meaningful between them and the Lord that why would I want to share that with other people , unless they directly ask ? So when people do ask about your life and they get involved in that , then they get to be a part of that . Yeah .

Speaker 2 29:34

And not every believer is entitled to that information . That's something that I think people need to understand . It's like if your brother or sister doesn't want to share those things with you , it's not because they don't they're a bad Christian or they can't be vulnerable , it's just you may not have a right to that information or that part of their story . And that's there's . That's okay , like let them be , you know .

Speaker 1 29:57

That's a good point too .

Speaker 2 29:58

Yeah , yeah , I love that . I think that's a pressure . I think in the Christian college setting is like there's all this pressure to share , share , share and like share our stories and everything and like some people like those , those things that are so deeply intimate , like a walk with the Lord , some things you walk with the Lord with for years . No one else needs to know about that . You know and no one has the right to know .

Speaker 1 30:22

Yeah .

Speaker 2 30:22

Maybe it's a better way to put it .

Speaker 1 30:24

You can share . You can share if you want , but no one someone doesn't have a right to know , just because they ask , yeah , yeah , there's pressure on both sides . On one side , hey , be vulnerable .

Speaker 1 30:34

On the other side is well , I don't want to have to share everything with you if I don't see you as a close person to me yeah , um , that's a good point yeah , um , that's probably a good place to yeah , yeah , let me close up here with with with finding this balance of okay . So what ? How do you actually share ? How do you become vulnerable with other people ? Well , first it's assess the context and consider the dynamics of the relationship to the person that you're going to be vulnerable with . I do believe , and I strongly do believe , this If you have just one person , like one person , in your life that you're able to share your heart with , that's more than enough . Okay , and I say that because it's hard to create strong , safe , healthy relationships with other men . But when you have that , I mean that's a goal line , right . Like you want to use that . That's the person you can bear one another , do all the one another's with right . You call each other out , you support each other , you comfort each other . Like , you need at least one person . If you have more great right , but have at least one person that you can be fully open and transparent with and practice it . You know you're usually , when you're trying to grow a bigger circle , you know maybe three to five people that you want to have in that circle group test the waters .

Speaker 1 31:48

That's part of vulnerability too is , again , you're being selective about the information that you're sharing to see how are people receiving it . Some people care , some people don't , and I think it was Dr Jordan Peterson who shared this . He said don't give your time to people who don't show an interest in your life . Sometimes you share something and it's just kind of waved off , or oh okay , cool , or they don't show an interest in your life . Something you share , something is just kind of waved off or oh okay , cool , or they don't check up on it again or something like that . Okay , Just move on . You don't need to worry about that , Just move on . But if you have one person , that's more than enough . Choose safe environments for these discussions and be discerning about the people with whom you share this information with . A lot of guys think of information when they're sharing as it's going to be used against me Absolutely Right .

Speaker 1 32:29

So sometimes it is Right , exactly so . That's it makes sense why they're guarded . So , when you share your information , you're always assessing who are the people in your life , what , what is the history of that relationship , that you say this person is a trustworthy person ? Um , who was it that shared it ? I don't remember who , where I saw this or who I heard it from , but it was kind of like . The people that you choose to share information with are the people that you're willing to go to war with , right , that you know they're going to be right by your side at all times , so kind of like a brother , whether it be ministry , whether it be serving in another capacity , whatever the case . Case , those are the people that you fully trust because your life depends on it . Right , and lastly , foster a sense of self-compassion and emotional intelligence .

Speaker 1 33:16

Again , self-compassion is the idea of suffering with the self . Um , the , I think the latin root is is . Is that a compassion , which ? Which means to suffer , to suffer with and suffer with that part of yourself that's hurting , right , if no one was there for you during the time that you were hurting , learn how does how does God play a role in that ? This is where attachment theory comes into play . How does God play a role in that part of your life where you were suffering the most ? What role did he play ? He's probably the secure attachment figure in that time where you were suffering the most . What role did he play ? He was probably the secure attachment figure in that time . And emotional intelligence is experience the emotion , identify the emotion , regulate the emotion . That's all it is . So , if you're feeling angry , if you're feeling frustrated , if you're feeling depressed , anxious , whatever the case is , once you locate it , identify it and then regulate it .

Speaker 2 34:07

And that will help with finding this balance of vulnerability Sounds good . Yeah , good job , man .

Speaker 1 34:12

Good job . Yeah , all right , we'll see you next time . See you next time .