Welcome to the For the Gospel podcast where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Costi Hinn, and on today's episode, I'm going to offer some practical wisdom for Christian singles. We're coming off Valentine's Day in the last episode. I talked about four types of love, and I want to follow up with this episode on singleness, and then culminate next week with an episode on the attribute of God's love to cap off a three-week focus on the theme of love. First off, singleness gets treated with the extremes way more often than it should. What are those extremes when we're talking about singleness? Extreme number one, and some of these are caricatures, but you know you've heard them. Being single is what you are. So don't even think about marriage. Don't want marriage. If you do, it's just an idol. You know, don't even be romantic or somber about marriage. If you want so badly to be married and you dream about Prince Charming or loving a godly girl until you're an old man, you know, you're probably idolizing marriage. There's sort of this bah humbug mentality about wanting marriage. That's an extreme. Extreme number two. Being married is what you were created for. So if you're not trying to get married, you're not hustling to get married, you know, what's wrong with you? There's clearly something wrong with you. Men were made to be warriors and they preside over their home. And women, you're meant to be our helpmates and to bear our children. So, you know, you're 25 years old. Why aren't you married and procreating yet? What's wrong with you? That'd be another extreme, and we need to slow down. Another angle on extremes when we're talking about singleness is the extreme of personal experience, where everyone tells you to do it like they did. Those who got married in their 30s say, Oh, I'm so glad I waited. You should wait, just enjoy your 20s. And you know what we should say to that person is, hey, that's great. I'm glad that worked out for you. That was your journey, not mine. It's not one size fits all. And just focus on running your race. Others will say, Oh, we got married at 19 and we were fine, you'll be fine, just go for it. And hey, that's great. Maybe as many young people I meet now and many in our church have a right foundation, they're solid, they're figuring it out together in their 20s, they're getting married or married, and that's awesome. But there are also a lot of 19-year-olds that should not be walking an aisle for a while. And you could fill in more angles here, but all in all, any extreme when we're talking about singleness is going to push us into imbalance. I want to share these principles with you. And before I do, know this all of these can and should be held in tension together. You could believe one and the other. They don't contradict each other. When you make one particular aspect of this the be all end all, you're probably missing something, and you're more than anything going to miss it yourself, but probably worse, you're not going to be very helpful to talk to on this subject for Christian singles or married people because you're always going to be pumping the extreme. We want to be bulldogmatic where scripture is, and then we want to have an understanding that life isn't always so black and white and cut and dry on everything. There are unique situations, and not everyone is one size fits all, and not everyone is living out the same timing in God's providential plan for their life. So here we go. Number one, marriage is a gift and it's okay to want it. All right? Marriage is a gift and it's okay to want it. Unless you've been given the actual lifelong gift of singleness, which will most certainly come with the ability to exercise celibacy, also, you're going to be married at some point. And that is good and right in God's eyes. Marriage is a gift. It's okay to want it. It's perfectly normal and it's godly to desire marriage. Parents should teach their kids about the good gift of marriage. Marriage should never be downplayed or talked about like it's no big deal, or even something to drag on about, like, oh yeah, enjoy your singleness, you know, wait until you're my age, you get the old ball and chain. That's not how we should talk about marriage. Remember, when we're Christians, this isn't about how the world views this stuff. Marriage also is not something to just put off and not care about. That's a worldly view of marriage. And if you're a Christian who downplays marriage, it is likely you've bought into worldly thinking. Marriage is incredible. It is a gift. We don't idolize it. We don't need to put it up on a false pedestal, but yeah, it's awesome. It's a great gift. We're thankful to the Lord for it. Anybody who says it's not great and then gets married, just go to their wedding and you tell me, was everyone sitting around like they don't care? No, a bunch of effort goes into it. It's a great celebration in the Bible and even early Judaism. Weddings were a feast, they were a party, they went on for days. So marriage should be, even if you're not married yet, seen as a gift and a beautiful thing. God has given very few institutions in this life and speaks about only two things a certain way in the Bible, the church and marriage. He speaks about them as a treasure. He plays them off of each other in a in the imagery of Christ loving the church like a husband and us being a bride adorned for him, and he speaks of marriage beautifully. Both of these being a covenant, we are a covenant people with God, and we are in covenant in marriage. So don't downplay what God has actually upplayed. Marriage is okay to want. If you ever say, Oh, I just want to be married one day, and I can't wait to spend forever in this life with the one that God has made for me, that's wonderful. Can we normalize that, please? It's a gift. Number two, capitalize on whatever life stage you are in. Wanting marriage is good and fine, and at the same time, you should capitalize on the life stage you're in. If you're single, you can want marriage and be excited for marriage, and focus on giving your time and your talents to God's work in unique ways that change when marriage comes into the picture. 1 Corinthians 7 is the great chapter to read on this, in which Paul makes it clear that once you get married, you need to please your husband or you need to please your wife, their time, their energy, their focus, all of that is gonna take some of your energy and your focus and shift it from what you would do when you were single to now their pleasure, their joy, and their needs. And so God works beautifully through single people. It is good and right to look back one day and say, wow, I'm so glad I got to do that missions trip or serve in that ministry, or spend all those days, weeks, and months, even years on that ministry work, because my primary focus was serving the Lord in my singleness. I had little else to worry about or focus on. Now, at the same time, understand everything I just said can be done when you are a married couple. Don't think you only can do that missions trip when you're single. So now you bah humbog marriage and go, well, I don't want to get married, it's gonna get in the way of my ministry. Hold on a minute now. Two is better than one, a court of three strands isn't easily broken. Some of the best ministry that happened in my life actually happened after I married Christine. And I know I'm using personal experience, so that's not exegetical. I'm just saying that on both sides, everybody can argue from experience. So be very careful taking what you experienced and saying, well, this is what it only is. If you're a couple that got married and you were not able to do as much ministry as you were when you were single, okay, that's that's that's you. That's your situation. For whatever reason, your capacity shifted. And if you're somebody who was single, like me, lost and absolutely confused as ever, and then you got married, and doing ministry together put you uh in overdrive in many ways, in all the right ways, and it was a joy, and those are some of the best memories. Hey, praise God. Some of the best memories ever in ministry are my wife and I, with no kids, doing youth ministry, and we were a tag team duo. It was awesome. And so if you're a young married couple, you might be able to serve more, do more, and be effective more because before you have children, you're having a blast serving the Lord. So spend your time, your money, your talent, your treasures, your energy serving the Lord. If you're single, capitalize on the life stage. But when you get married, don't think you sit around and cuddle and watch Netflix all week long. You get busy in ministry. Children will change things, marriage does a little bit, but don't get it twisted. These life stages are still a great gift from the Lord. So view it that way and allow the Lord, enjoy him using you for his glorious purposes when you're single. Number three, plan for the future. So marriage is a good gift, it's okay to want it. Capitalize on the life stage you're in, take full advantage of your singleness, and plan for the future. I'm gonna press in pretty hard on this one, so buckle up. This is one of the biggest mistakes single people make. And after I explain this portion of it, I'm gonna go after parents and leaders for a moment because I don't think single people are the only ones to blame if they fail in this area. Most single people don't plan for their future because they've been living in the moment and are a product of the American experiment called the college experience. What you what used to be about education and preparation has gone wrong. We send kids away at 18. This has become extended adolescence where they go and they drink, they party, they test the waters, and it's called normal. In fact, schools will recruit based on this criteria, and many students will choose schools because it's a good party school or it's got a good nightlife. Meanwhile, they come out of this college experience and they're $100,000 in debt, they go back to living at home with mom and dad, they have no clue how to invest, work hard, say no to things, or sustain nonsexual relationships, but sure, we'll call it normal. You can call it whatever you want. I call it crazy. So, single friend, hear me. Plan for the future. Think of your future spouse. I'm serious. Ignore the person that says, oh, please, don't get too caught up in all the oh no, no, no. They can plan or not plan, they can run their own race. You hear me if you listen to one thing I say in this episode. Think about your future. Plan for the future. Go learn skills. If you're in college or beyond, be an awesome student. Capitalize on scholarships. Or if you're getting school paid for, add a master's or an MBA for good measure and get it done early. Save money, work a job, learn to manage multiple responsibilities and deal with the pressure of finals, Christmas holidays, job demands, relationships, church life, and money management all at the same time so you can grow some thick skin and a capacity for what will be completely average and normal in life. The pace that many young people call frantic and they say, Oh, I'm just so busy. I've got homework and friends and all this stuff, and I'm not patronizing you, I'm just saying it like it is. That's actually way less than normal. And so this season of busyness is preparing you for more, but you have a higher capacity. It just needs to be trained and stretched. Plan for the future. So many single people aren't thinking about marriage. They aren't thinking about a future, they're not thinking about anything except today or this weekend and what they're gonna do. And it's not just the the extra lucky person who whose parents, you know, gave them some money, or they happened to just, you know, hit the lotto on some things after college. Oh no, it is not a secret. Discipline, preparation, all of those things are all things we can all do. The question is, do you do them or not? You may think of me as a pastor or a podcaster, but don't forget, I am an employer, and I can relate to many employers when I tell you this. Employers are not hiring lazy people, slothful people, or people with low capacity for normal life management skills. Too many single people spend their time at frat parties or on cruise control just hanging out. Even if you were godly, you were you were spiritually well behaved, but just sat around doing nothing. Prepare now. It doesn't mean you can't have fun. It doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself or let your hair down a little bit, but don't neglect to plan for the future. And marriage can be a great motivator for that. And you say, well, what if I don't get married? Costi, or what if I don't get married shortly after? Great. You're gonna have more money, more discipline, more saved, and be more useful in your labor for the Lord, and you're gonna make somebody very happy when you're 26, 27, 28, or 30, if the Lord allows that as your timeline, and you will just have that much more of a stable life and you'll have not been a liability. You'll be a father-in-law's dream come true for his daughter if you're a man, or if if you're uh a woman, you'll be a man's dream marriage or mother's dream daughter-in-law for her son because you were busy about the father's business, trusting his timeline. Go do something and plan for the future. Here's just one basic example that I've seen a couple of people I know personally do when they were young. You save 15 grand over your senior year of high school and your freshman year of college by working a job, then you go buy a $300,000 house, you put three roommates in it, and you charge them rent. Then five years later, you have your college degree, you have a house with equity, and if you really think about it, all you gave up was some immaturity and in the world's terms, hangovers. You didn't do what sinful people do in college and just go waste time and money. And sure, sacrifice is part of it, and you likely will say no to a lot of things. And if you're someone who's playing sports in college, I get it, that can't be your reality. I did that too, but once you're done, get to it. Put your years of regimented discipline to use and go do something with excellence in this life. I know multiple young people right now, married in their early 20s, who own houses and are stable. Not that it's all about material things in life, but all they did in the country we've been blessed with was start working hard in high school, keep their head on earth and not up in the clouds, doing weird things and just thinking about this and daydreaming all the time and talking about what they will do and will do, but actually doing it, and they kept their eyes on Christ. And I don't think we talk about this stuff in church enough with single people, but it is the elephant root in the room for most college ministries. We are as a society graduating college students with tons of debt, STDs, little discipline, no direction, no work ethic, and then they expect a payday and a house in the hills, it is laughable only for one reason that it's not a secret that success comes from hard work, discipline, and delayed gratification. Now, if you're not single, or if you have influence over other people, parents, leaders, whoever you are, instead of making fun of them or even just shoving this stuff under the rug or belittling them, something I'm absolutely not doing here, I'm speaking the truth, and I love the next generation. We have loads of them in our church, and they mean the world to us. We want to set them up for success. Let's help them, teach them, say hard things to them, and then show them. If you're a parent or a leader, your job is not to be everyone's BFF. Your job is to prepare them for life, and that can be fun. So have fun and be friendly. But the friendliest, most loving thing you could do for the next generation is prepare them for the future. So, single friend, hear me on this, plan for the future. It is insecure, jealous, or let's be loving about it here, ignorant people who just don't know any better who will tell you, oh, lighten up, relax. That's either a trap from the enemy and they're a friend you need to avoid. Proverbs 13 20 says, Walk with the wise and you will be wise, so stay away from them. They're an unwise person. Or they're ignorant and you should probably invite them along to get after it with you. Plan for the future. Number four, guard your purity. Sexual sin is destructive. And while you are single, this will be one of Satan's favorite lures for trying to ruin your life. When you're single, guard your purity. This will mean avoiding guys or girls who insist on sexual relations being part of your relationship. Avoid people, especially who use Christian language or they even come to church to try to get close to you, but they're really just playing the field. They're not worth it. They need Jesus, so invite them to hear the gospel, but don't invite them to come out on a date with you. Sexual sin will promise you pleasure, but it will only lead to pain. And that's what Proverbs chapter 7 is all about. It's one that you should read and keep close to your heart when you're single. The adulterous woman drips with honey on her lips, but she is a poisonous trap. And you can apply this to either gender. There are men who lack sense and they're lured in by an ungodly woman, they need to guard themselves. And there are women who lack sense, they're not thinking, and they're lured in by a predatory, ungodly, albeit handsome man, you need to guard yourself, sister. And this is where it's helpful to speak about the idol of marriage. If you've been idolizing marriage, then you get into a relationship, and it's very likely that you can be easily seduced into sexual sin because you want so badly to be in a relationship that you're willing to compromise to stay in that relationship. Let me tell you, there are guys and girls who will capitalize on your desperate for marriage mindset. Talk to a ministry leader. Talk to your parents if they're godly, especially. Get their approval and support on relationships. Hear the hard truth if they tell you to wait. Talk to a pastor. Ask your church leaders or ministry leaders to vet a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. Meet with a married couple for advice. All of these are not old school killjoys. They're safeguards for you. And most of the time, people like me who tell you about these things are not talking from an ivory tower of perfection, but rather from having been in the trenches of sin and having made mistakes in our past. And we want better for you because we love you. Fifth and finally, pray for your future husband or wife. I've officiated andor am witnessing a lot of weddings these days. We're about to see wedding numbers seven, eight, and nine, if my both memory and predictions of engagements serves me right. At our church, it's only been a year. It's like you come here and I'm not guaranteeing marriage, but there's something in the water, and I'm just kidding. It it's not anything to do with what we're telling them as a church. We're not saying go get married, hurry up. We're actually blaming their parents for raising such great kids. But there happens to be some young folks that are serving the Lord and they're meeting each other, and it's they're getting on with it. And the parents and everyone's involved, it's been great. But one of the stories I heard was a great reminder to pray for your future husband or wife. One of the wives to be handed her husband to be a box and gave them uh these letters to open the morning of their wedding day. And it was a box filled with you know journaling journaling pages or or letters, whatever kind of paper. He didn't give me the details to that, but basically just all written out. And she had been writing all of these sentiments and prayers to the Lord for some time, asking for these certain qualities in her husband. And she refused to settle for anything less. She prayed for him always, and he described to me how he was sitting in basically manly tears that morning of his wedding day, reading about the man she had been praying for, and yet humbly feeling the weight of the truth that he really was that guy. And God had answered. Her prayers and and allowed that he be the answer and he felt the responsibility more than ever and the treasured gift of being married to her, the kind of young woman who would pray for such a thing. And he determined even more, all the more, as great a guy as he is, to love her like Christ, to be faithful until death do them part or Christ returns. And look, this is not a fairy tale. It can be normal for many of us. And it may not be your story as a married person, it's certainly not mine and and Christine's. We were more of a testimony of how God cleans up big messes and saves lost sinners. But now, if you're saved and you're walking with the Lord and you're a single person, be faithful in your singleness. Stay in biblical balance. Pray for and desire the kind of marriage that would bring God glory. Do not despise marriage and yet do not idolize it. Stay in balance. Prepare for the future. Seek out wise counsel. And be confident that God will order your steps accordingly. We need to normalize these things. And if you're one of those persons that are listening, and as I go through some of these points, you just are reminded of your past and the broken road that you were on, and you feel as though there's some guilt and shame to that. Hey, don't. That is my journey. That is the journey of many people. So you say, well, what's my responsibility now? Well, your responsibility now is to pour back in to the next generation and to encourage them to be authentic, to be honest, and most of all to be biblical and help them learn. You know, wisdom at many moments in life is just not making the same mistakes of those who have gone before you. So share your wisdom with the hopes that they would make wiser decisions and you could see the body of Christ thrive. Now, one more word to you who are single and you've blown it time and time again, and you've not had a great journey, but now you're serving the Lord and you still feel guilt and shame over your past. You're a new creation in Christ. The old is gone, the new has come. And so starting now in the season that you're in, you are allowed 100% to desire God's best for your life, to desire that beautiful picture that I've described in the best sense. And he remembers your sins no more. You've been washed, you've been cleansed, you've been saved, and you are brand new. And so you don't have to think, well, since I've sinned in my past, you know, I better not have high expectations. I should probably just settle for less because right, that's what I deserve. I uh I wasn't very good before, and and now I guess I get kind of a third or fourth place or like a participation trophy, but at least I get into heaven and I get to be a part of the church. Absolutely not, friend. You keep God's standard as your standard. You walk in grace and humility, and you call what I've just described the demonic lie that it is. The devil wants you to wallow in pity and guilt and shame over the past. God's will is that you walk forward in sexual purity, serving him, looking forward and excited, planning for the future, praying for his best in marriage. I hope this episode has given you all some good thinking points and talking points on the subject, no matter where you're at. For free resources on dating, I recommend watching our DTR defining the relationship series for free. It's on our YouTube channel, at for the gospel. It's on our website, and it'll help you a great deal. And if you're you're getting married or you are married and you want to grow stronger in your understanding of biblical marriage and be encouraged, maybe affirmed in things you already know but need to be reminded of, watch our fused series for free on our YouTube channel. It's on Biblical Marriage, covers husbands, wives, parenting, the home, and more. Next episode, we'll dig into the attribute of God's love. For now, keep on living for the gospel.