Welcome to the For the Gospel podcast, where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Kosti Hinn, and I want to welcome our listeners on Apple and Spotify and those enjoying this on our YouTube video podcast format. On today's episode, I am kicking off a new series on conflict and forgiveness. I'm calling this first episode Conflict and the Christian Response because how we handle conflict and how we come to forgiveness as a particular action that Christians should be known for, and how we walk with one another is so important for followers of Jesus Christ. And so this series will cover responses to conflict, what forgiveness is and why it's hard, why we should forgive others and what bitterness and unforgiveness will do or is doing to your soul. By the end of the series of episodes, you're going to have a theological understanding of forgiveness and practical wisdom for handling conflict in your relationship. So to kick things off, let's dig into four truths about conflict and some key principles underneath each one. If you're taking notes or you're listening and you're a good note taker in your mind, I'll give you the big principles and then the subpoints after that. The first big principle is conflict is inevitable. Conflict is inevitable. The Bible mentions forgiveness or some truth attached to forgiveness in hundreds of places. And throughout the New Testament, it's really obvious that sin is the human challenge and conflict results from sin. And then the Christian response is key to getting to a biblical resolution. James 5.16 says, confess your sins to one another and be healed. Why would he say that if sin and conflict were not inevitable and an issue in the church? Galatians 6, 1 and 2 says, Brothers, if anyone is caught in a tresp in a trespass or any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. And then Paul goes on to say, bear one another's burdens. Ephesians 4.32 says, Be kind, be tenderhearted, forgive one another, and forgiving is this ongoing present active verb when Paul writes that. And then in the Lord's Prayer, Jesus says, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Why do I bring all those passages up? Simple. If they're in the Bible, it is because God knows we're going to sin and we are going to have conflict. It is inevitable, and we are going to need guidance for resolving that conflict in a way that honors Him. Some people perhaps have never thought of that or they don't accept that fact. And that is not a healthy view of conflict. Now, people don't have a healthy view of conflict for any number of reasons. Maybe it's their childhood, maybe their parents, or just in general, they never learn to navigate conflict in a way that is healthy. And so they hear about conflict, they experience conflict, and they absolutely melt down. Once you know that conflict is inevitable, and further than just know it, but you accept it, you can begin to reduce the emotional shock wave that floods over you when conflict occurs. Perhaps you're one of those people who you eye roll, you get filled with anxiety, or even get really, really frustrated anytime that conflict comes up. You find yourself not very calm, you're filled with worries, you're playing out scenarios endlessly, or maybe you're even annoyed because you had expected smooth sailing at this point in whatever context you're in, with no more conflict. I think that's because we all are secretly or ignorantly perfectionists in this way. Our flesh thinks, finally, you know, I'm married, and now we can just enjoy it. And then a fight happens and we're frustrated. Or in a church, we think, okay, that problem is dealt with. Now, finally, no more problems. Everything is fine and it's gonna stay fine. Or we're in the workplace, and we're like, ah, I'm glad that's over. I'm never letting that happen again. And then, whether it's church, family, relationships, the workplace, something erupts all over again, and someone's coming at us, and we get really frustrated and we're just deflated. Conflict is happening. Why? Because of this principle. Expectations breed frustrations. And what that means is you expected no more conflict. You expected smooth sailing, and that's just not how life is. Whether spiritually we are at war and in conflict, it's gonna happen, or relationally, because of sin, we are gonna experience conflict. You and I need to not just know that conflict is inevitable, but we need to accept it, even embracing it, thinking, okay, maybe this is a great opportunity for me to learn something. I don't need to lose sleep worrying about tomorrow. Why? Because God's gonna teach me something in this conflict. I'm gonna grow closer with someone in this conflict, or this is a great opportunity to exercise character and be stronger this time than I was last time in the midst of conflict. Big principle number one, it's inevitable. Get used to it, and that's where the next truth comes in. Big principle number two, conflict responses are going to vary. Not everyone responds to conflict the same way or knows how to deal with it in a healthy way. Ken Sandy in his book, The Peacemaker, has excellent insights on this, and I want to walk you through some of them. The first response is the escaped, the escape response. And look, these things include denial, that's just pretending the problem doesn't exist, and sure, that'll make things easier temporarily, but it produces long-term problems. The issue's not resolved, and it's coming. Second, you have flight. So you have denial, then you have flight. This is somebody who just says, Look, I'm out. They leave the marriage, they divorce, they leave the friendship. This is you or I, but we just, you know, we're just gonna quit our job. We're out, we resign. We don't want to deal with the conflict. Now, of course, there are cases in which job transition happens, or you might leave a church for the right reasons, but a lot of people today they experience a little bit of conflict and say, you know what? I'm out. I'm not dealing with that, I'm leaving, and they run. This doesn't solve the issue either because wherever you run, those same problems are coming with you, especially if you have a heart issue in the way you deal with conflict. That heart issue is just gonna come out again and again and again. The only thing that's gonna change is your zip code if you run and seek to exercise flight from that. Now, this one is less common perhaps in in your everyday life, but not uncommon. Ken Sandy says a really sad response to conflict that's becoming more and more prevalent today is suicide or just taking people's, taking your life, people taking their life, and there's people that seek to escape conflict by that. And when I read that first in his book, I thought, this is really odd. This is about peacemaking and resolution and forgiveness. Why is he bringing up suicide? Well, there is a stat that shows suicide has become the third highest cause of death among U.S. adolescents. And he attaches that to how so many young people are depressed, they deal with anxiety, they're dealing with the identity issues that come, with not being taught well, not knowing who they are, and not dealing with relational conflict in a way that is healthy. And so adolescents have not been taught well, they don't deal with conflict, they don't deal with pressure. It's a different world than perhaps the world that some people grew up in, where they felt the weight of responsibility and pressure and accountability and had to work through those emotions early on. And so denial doesn't work. Flight isn't enough. And so there are sadly people who take their lives in order to avoid or escape conflict, and that of course is going to be attached to internal conflict, issues that are deep seated within the heart. Those are all escape responses. The next one that he unpacks is the attack responses. These are lashing out responses. It's assault. This can be verbal, physical, or emotional. This can be linked to attacks on character, something vindictive like sabotage of finances or job situation with slander and deception and anger. And then you have, of course, litigation. This is taking things to legal authorities, which is the route in some cases with unbelievers, but not the case with Christians who are to be resolving conflict within the church and with other believers. Suing each other is not the route we take, but that is how some people choose to deal with conflict with believers. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6 that we're not to take our conflicts with other believers to civil authorities and sue each other. That's not good for our witness, it's not good for our relationships. We have the Holy Spirit within us, we have qualified leaders, and so we should deal with our differences fairly and biblically. And then he also says one of the attack responses is murder. And of course, in the Bible we see this many times, in particular with Cain and Abel, the inability to reserve resolve conflict biblically leads Cain to just murder his brother. And escape responses are running from the conflict in some way. Attack responses are running at the conflict in this way, and the aggression ramps up. And murder is most certainly one of the ways that people express their anger and they are driven to an extreme act of personal vengeance. Those are the attack responses. Then, of course, Sandy unpacks the peacemaking responses, and this is, I think, where we need to be most focused. These are responses that honor the Lord. They coincide with Christian ethics and they reflect the heart of Christ. The first one is overlooking the offense. Proverbs 19:11 says, A man's wisdom gives him patience. It is his glory to overlook an offense. There is most certainly a biblical precedent for letting something pass. Sandy says this overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and it involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, not to dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness and anger. And so overlooking an offense, definitely a way that you can peacemake and resolve conflict biblically. The second is reconciliation. This is going to be for offenses that are too serious to just overlook. There's not much to forgive. You're just going to overlook something. It's not a big deal. You can let it go. You don't need to make a huge issue of it. But then there's reconciliation for these offenses that are very serious. They've done some damage. There needs to be confession, repentance, correction, and forgiveness. And you ought to go and be reconciled to your brother or your sister, if this is the case, and you work it out however needed, and that will deal with the issue. Third, you have negotiation. This is biblical. It's for conflicts that have been resolved from a relational standpoint, but we need to work out the finer details in light of resolution. Perhaps, whether it's money, property, or boundaries, all of that will be included in this discussion if you're dealing with some sort of negotiation and finding compromise and middle ground. This is biblical. It's from Philippians 2. It's what Jesus models when he doesn't merely look out for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. That's what Paul says in Philippians 2, verses 3, and then verse 4. It's how we would negotiate in conflict. What does this look like? Well, you might ensure that your own boundaries are respected while also ensuring the other party is in a good position as well. This is healthy. It's not just, well, I forgive you now, who cares? We don't need to talk about action steps. No, negotiation is figuring out where we all need to land after we've been reconciled. And then there's another aspect that's biblical, and now we're getting into Matthew 18 and church discipline. There is mediation. And this is obviously when the two parties are having a difficult time reconciling. And so they need mediation within the church. Like Matthew 18, 16 tells us, bring one or two others to be witnesses. And maybe they can ask questions, they can give insight. Mediation ensures that we resolve it with the help of others if we can't do it on our own. This may be somebody sitting there saying, Well, yeah, based on what we're hearing and based on what we've all admitted here, so and so you need to repent, and so and so you need to forgive. Or so and so you have already repented, and so and so it's time to forgive. But mediation is a community effort. It's a small community. Matthew 18 says just one or two witnesses. You bring a few people in there and you deal with it. Fifth, you have arbitration, and you think, well, where in the world is arbitration in the Bible? What are these sports contracts? Are we dealing with disgruntled people in the business world? Well, you need to think of what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6 4 when he says, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges, even men of little account of the church. What this means is there are times where you just can't agree with your party that you're having an issue with, and you can't resolve it through the loving encouragement of others who are present as witnesses and counselors. And so you go for a more direct approach in which you appoint someone in the right cases and the right situations to make the final call. All parties say, look, we'll submit, we may not like it, but we just can't come to resolution. So we need an arbitrator, we need someone to say, this is what it is. Now, certainly within the church, that might be a pastor at some point who says, Look, this is the final decision, take it or leave it, based on what the Bible says, this person has repented, or this person is willing to forgive, and the other person isn't willing to step out in obedience, which leads to another biblical aspect of peacemaking. This one might seem odd or contradictory to you, but it's not. Accountability andor discipline. This is the final step of church discipline. It involves telling the church that a party is not repenting or a party refuses to forgive, a party refuses to listen, and now needs to be evangelized and excommunicated, put out of fellowship. The church is going to pressure them in a good way, in a loving way, to own up to their sin, to come back home, to join in obedience with the fold of God. They're going to become accountable and they're turning to Christ humbly in repentance. It's not a fun part of the process, but it's a biblical part of handling conflict in a way that honors the Lord. This is peacemaking. Why? I think of what Proverbs says when it says, drive the contentious manner, send the scoffer out, and contentions will cease. There will even be peacemaking moments where we have to put someone out from fellowship or excommunicate them from the church or tell them, we are viewing you as someone who needs to be evangelized. You're outside the church. And while we love you and we pray for your soul, you can no longer be in fellowship because you are actively and unrepentantly disobeying the Lord. So we have escape, we have attack, and we have peacemaking responses for believers. Peacemaking is the only spectrum of responses we aim for. Those six, that's where we live if we're a believer. When we get outside of that, we need to repent, we need to fix that, we need to deal with it. Everything else misses the mark of God's word. We don't run, we don't attack, we seek to make peace. Now, this doesn't mean we don't speak the truth. Some people will hear that and think, oh no, does that mean we don't we don't call anything out or we don't confront people? No. In fact, those steps are and may be part of pointing out sin, hoping that someone repents, putting their sin in front of them, or marking a false teacher who's absolutely dangerous. They're an unbeliever, they teach the things that are completely aligned with darkness. They do not fit into this biblical framework of peacemaking, where you say, Well, I'm just gonna let that go and it's leading people to hell. Of course, that is not what the Bible teaches. So you have a varying menu of responses for the Christian. Peacemaking is what we go for. Now, the third big principle is conflict resolution should glorify God. When we're in conflict, the number one goal is not to win for yourself or get your own way, but rather to glorify God. We glorify God in our conflicts by number one, trusting God. Proverbs 3, 5 and 6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Trusting God is better than trusting yourself. In fact, don't trust yourself at all. Your flesh will ignite and derail conflict resolution. Number two, we glorify God in conflict by obeying God. When we submit to his commands, Jesus said, If you love me, you will obey me. And therefore, if you're looking to resolve conflict biblically, you need to love Jesus, look to Jesus, and obey Jesus. Root all of your desires and your motives and your efforts in conflict resolution, in a love for Christ. This will help you glorify God in conflict. Third, we glorify God in conflict by imitating God. Ephesians 5, 1 and 2 says, be imitators of God. And what Paul is saying there is walk in love. The idea of imitating God in conflict means we are loving people. It's the not-so-secret weapon when resolving conflict. And the example of Jesus is one of humility and mercy, forgiveness and love. So we glorify God by copying him in times of conflict. Fourth, we glorify God in conflict by acknowledging God. This is the gospel. No one should ever try to resolve conflict without the gospel being front and center. This is to acknowledge that we're all sinners. We need grace. And without the gospel, we cannot and will not ever change. We can't glorify God in conflict resolution without the gospel at all. You have no hope of resolution or peace if you're not first at peace with God. The gospel is the only thing that will accomplish that, leading to the final big principle about conflict and the Christian response. Conflict resolution serves others. It is the loving thing to do. It is the humble thing to do. It is the helpful thing to do, and it is the exemplary thing to do. Again, I point you back to Philippians 2, verses 3 through 8, where Jesus is the one who Paul points to as the ultimate example of humility, considering others above himself. He doesn't do anything with jealousy or empty conceit. He takes on the form of a bondservant. He is a slave in that sense. The doulos, the word means in the Greek, the slave. And what is he coming to do in his service and his humility? Redeem us. He condescends for our sake. What greater way to resolve conflict caused by sin than by humbling himself to death on a cross in order to forgive us for the sins that put him on the cross? And therein lies where this all goes in the series we're in. You want to resolve conflict in your relationships? You want to experience peace? Look no further than the humility of Christ and the forgiveness of Christ. That's where we go from here. Humility is what we need. Forgiveness is what we need to be after. We're going to unpack what forgiveness is in the next episode and then understand why it's so hard to forgive and dig into why we should forgive. And beyond all that, we'll talk about how to ask someone for forgiveness and what bitterness and unforgiveness are going to do, or currently, maybe for you, are doing to your soul. The series is just getting started. I pray that it strengthens you. And thank you as always for listening and for watching. If you haven't already, subscribe to our YouTube channel or go to forthgospel.org to get free resources or become a gospel patron by partnering with our ministry financially. I'll be back next Monday with another episode. Keep on living for the gospel.