Welcome to the For the Gospel podcast where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Kosti Hinn, and I want to welcome our listeners on Apple and Spotify and those enjoying this on our YouTube video podcast format. If you're new to our ministry, you can subscribe to this YouTube channel and you'll get all of our content for free. Or you can go to forthegospel.org to look at more of our content, our articles, our team, and what we're all about. And if you have not already, be sure to follow us on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, Twitter, and across the board. We're putting out videos every week and content to bless you and edify you and give you content to share with others so they can come to know and hear the gospel. On today's episode, it's the third part of this series on conflict and forgiveness. Now, last episode, we answered the question, What is forgiveness? And today I'll be answering the question, How can I be a forgiving person? It was Corey Ten Boom, long known for what she went through at the hands of the Nazis. She told of not being able to forget a wrong that had been done to her. She had forgiven the person, but she kept rehashing the incident and eventually could not sleep. Finally, she cried out to God for help in putting the problem to rest. She says his help came in the form of a kindly Lutheran pastor. She writes, To whom I confessed my failure after two sleepless weeks. Up in the church tower, he said, nodding out the window, is a bell, which rung by pulling on a rope. But you know what? After the sexton lets go of the rope, the bell keeps on swinging. First ding, then dong. Slower and slower until there's a final dong and it stops. I believe the same thing is true of forgiveness, he went on. When we forgive we take our hand off the rope. But if we've been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn't be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for a while. They're just ding dongs of the old bell slowing down. And so it proved to be, she says, there were a few more midnight reverberations, a couple of dings when the subject came up in my conversations, but the force, which was my willingness in the matter, had gone out of them. They came less and less often and at last stopped altogether. We can trust God not only above our emotions, but also above our thoughts. What a helpful story. If you want to be a forgiving person, there comes a point where you stop pulling on the rope of offense and you let it go. Paul's words in Ephesians 4, verses 31 to 32 are perfect for helping us learn this life-altering lesson. And for some of you, you're never going to have peace. And be at rest fully until your soul gets these words deep down inside of it. And I say for some of you because maybe you're a person right now that's holding on. But hey, at any given time in our lives, these particular words are needed by all of us. Paul says in verse 31, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Not some, all. In verse 32, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Let's go through the steps for how to be a forgiving person, using this passage as our roadmap. Number one, put away bitterness. If you're going to be a forgiving person, you've got to lay aside all bitterness. The word he uses there is pickria. It's something bitter to the taste. And the sinful definition of bitterness really is animosity, harshness. It's anger towards someone. That when that comes up, there's this bitter taste that comes out. And it breeds best in situations where we feel we've been treated unfairly, we have not had things go our way, and we haven't gotten what we want. And therefore, we are going to be bitter and continue to nurse that bitterness. You know, you can nurse most things in life and they get better, but nursing a grudge only makes it worse. As believers, we need to seek God's help in letting things go. Paul, by way of command, is telling the church put away, put aside, let it go, all bitterness. Don't sour today with yesterday's hurts. Believers don't frown on the future because of today's struggles and troubles. One of the best things for your soul and your joy is to give that person, those people, maybe that pastor, that situation, all of it to the Lord. Stop tugging on the rope of offense. Put away bitterness. And he says, end wrath. Put away wrath is the second key here. The word means rage and indignation. And look, if you let bitterness fester, it will breed wrath. Like mold that just keeps expanding and destroying your house from a leak that keeps feeding it water. This is how the world reacts when it doesn't get its way. It's building and building and building. It goes from bitterness to wrath, that indignation. Then he says, and anger. The word he uses here is the kind of anger that brews. Like with bitter animosity, you keep stirring and festering and brooding. It's a rage that is like water in a boiling pot with the lid on, and pretty soon it's gonna burst out. Ed Welch, in a book called A Small Book About a Big Problem, says we try to hide our anger by denying it, but it always finds a way out. In other words, we we deny that we have it. We just go, no, I'm I'm not really angry. He says there's covert anger. It's underneath the surface, it's vengeful, it's smoldering, it's frustrated, it's irritable. He says there's cold anger. This is the silent treatment, it's withdrawal, it's indifference, the cold shoulder. It's often controlling. It keeps score and it's critical. Then he says there's hot anger. This is jealousy, it's wrath, it's war, it's murder, it's explosion, rage, envy, oppression, and hate. And look, this is the type of anger that probably destroys more unity in homes and churches than any other type of anger, and really type of sin. The explosion, as people just let it fly, it's the fruit of bitterness. It's been smoldering, and eventually it comes out. Paul is saying, put it away, give it to the Lord, confess it to Christ, surrender it all to him. And then he follows that up with saying, and put away all clamor and clamor, he says. The word crauge here is articulate shouting. It's a loud outburst. And so now we have shouting, we have explosion because we have been allowed to boil and brew on the inside, and now our anger is going to explode into shouting on the outside. Not only is it wise to run from this sin, it's wise to avoid those that are given to this sin. Listen to some of the Proverbs on this particular aspect. Proverbs 29, 11. A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 22, verses 24 to 25. Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. Isn't that so clear? And isn't that where some of us end up stumbling into sin? Is we get around the wrathful, angry person. We've given friendship, our ear, our mind, and really become influenced by those who let it fly. Clamor is full vent as your mouth just begins to write checks that reflect the balance in your heart. This would be an indication that you and I have lost control. Whatever it is that is bothering you has come to a point where you're gonna shout it out in an attempt to use aggression and your anger. It's gonna have a volume to it. There's passionate emotions that have now gone too far into sinful anger and aggression. Paul says, put that away. That's how the world deals with their emotions through shouting matches and this aggression and this bravado that's gonna dominate others in the fight. That's not how God's people do it. Then he says, and slander be put away from you. Put away slander. The word he uses is blasphemia. It's where we get our English word, blasphemy. He wants the Ephesians to put away defamatory lies that destroy someone's reputation. This is the classic godless behavior by those who use deception to build up their reputation. They lie about other people. And they want to be somebody. That's usually the driver. You have something I want, you have influence I desire, or I'm trying to climb the ladder and I'm jealous, and so I'm going to undercut you, slander you, trash talk about you in order to elevate myself. This is a destructive sin and it's to be put away. It's reminiscent of what James says, where there's jealousy and selfish ambition. This happens in ministry sometimes, as people see other people in ministry maybe being blessed by the Lord in certain ways or having some level of influence, or this happens in life when people are just happy with their lot in life, and what starts to happen? Well, people who are jealous or who are trying to climb some ladder, or when it comes to material things, whether it's someone who begins to slander a person who's content and happy with less, and meanwhile, they're a wealthy person that's never happy with all that they have, or it's somebody who's not doing well materialistically. They see someone else and what they have and they try to undercut and slander. This happens in the workplace often, as people trying to climb, they're trying to climb the corporate ladder and they say, I'm gonna slander that person, I'm gonna lie about them, and I'm gonna undercut and make up stories about them in order to elevate myself as the one who really knows and can be trusted. When unchecked, that continues into what verse 31 lands on, along with all malice. Linguistically, there might be a sort of climax here. That all of these sins lead to malice, this vicious and malignant attitude of ill will towards someone. The person filled with malice wants depraved things to happen to someone. They are angry with them, they're jealous of them, they're bitter towards them, whatever the issue, they delight when their enemy falls. This is the opposite of what Proverbs 24, 17 says. Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart rejoice when he stumbles. But what's more is it's the opposite of what Christ says in Luke 6, 35. He says, But love your enemies, do good to those who persecute you. And so if you want to be a forgiving person, you need to put aside malice, put aside these other sins we've talked through and walked through in verses 31 and 32, because if you wish bad things to happen to people, you're not going to be a forgiving person. If you love it, when those who have hurt you fall on their face, it's gonna be hard to be a forgiving person. The reward of their condemnation is not that you would be appeased. We care for souls. We're concerned with even those who hurt us and persecute us. We want to love them, as Jesus says. Do you want someone to be made right with a holy God? Do you pray for them because their qualm is ultimately with Him? I'll go one step further. Is it possible that they're actually no longer the sinning party? Because you have continued to fester and smolder in your bitterness, and you've slandered, and you're angry, and you wish malice upon them, and they've really just apologized and moved on. All of these sins are judge and jury sins. They prop us up as the final authority rather than judging sin rightly and seeking to call the sinner to Christ. And we're like the biased judge who allows personal vendetta and agenda to tip the courtroom and verdict our way. And instead, there's an opposite way that God calls us to, different than the pagan mobs, than the political manipulators, and the people that are constantly trying to unfold their own agenda. There is a way that the believer is called to be. And I know we all lose sight of this sometimes, but when we go back to God's word and we say, How can I be a forgiving person? The roadmap is clear. In Ephesians 4 32, it begins, be kind to one another. You could say, number one, be kind. You want to be a forgiving person? Put on kindness. This is to esteem one another, respect one another. And be kind to those that you like, sure, and who please you, yeah, but those who do not please you, those who are difficult to deal with. It is Jesus who is kind to ungrateful and evil men. It is God who loved the unlovable sinner. And I think of the Proverbs again in Proverbs 16, 24. It says kind words are like honey. They're sweet to the soul, they're healthy for the body. Proverbs 15:1, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. We can actually infuse a situation with more conflict, more anger, more volatility with our words, or we can defuse a situation in the same manner. We can make it go up, we can make it calm down with our words and the way we talk. Be kind. Are you kind? I want to be kind, it's tough. But it is kindness that reflects the kind of humility that God calls us to. And if you're having trouble, generally speaking, being kind, and you're an unkind person or you're unkind to certain people, two questions to consider. Number one, have you forgotten God's kindness to you? Apply that to how you treat others. And number two, have you gotten honest and confessed your unkindness? Even if you know you've been unkind and it's stayed quietly just inside of your mind, confession is the antidote to pride. Get honest. Get it out in the open. Give it to the Lord. Talk to a friend, talk to a pastor, put on kindness. That could be one of the keys for you to become a more forgiving person. Number two, be tenderhearted. In verse 32, he continues, tenderhearted. The word here is a fun translation. It it literally translates good bowels because it's the idea of having a good internal feeling for someone or towards someone. And this makes sense. Obviously, it's in an original language, it's Eastern culture, it has a little bit of a different flavor. No one says, yeah, I've really got good bowels about this person. That'd be a little weird in our English context. But think about this, it makes a lot of sense. Most of us see people that put us off a little bit and we would judge them. We'd say, What? I got a bad feeling about this guy. I got a bad feeling about her. It's feelings. And maybe you're discerning, maybe that's true. Maybe you do have a bad feeling about someone and you ought to. But understand it works the opposite way as well. Maybe you have someone in your life who's a difficult person. Maybe you have someone in your life who has hurt you and you've been keeping score. Maybe you've been pulling on that rope and ringing the bell of bitterness. And as you let it go, you realize there's a choice to make here. Are you going to choose to have good feelings towards them? Are you going to have a tender heart? The word here is synonymous with compassion. Numerous times throughout the gospels, it's what Jesus felt towards crowds of people who at times were a mixed bag. He felt compassion for them, he healed them, he taught them, he fed them. Undoubtedly, the entire crowd fed by him when he feeds the five thousand, and most scholars would agree that perhaps was the count of men, or might have been fifteen to twenty thousand in total. You can't tell me that every one of those people liked Jesus. All of them believed in Jesus. No, they enjoyed the food. Later on in the Gospel of Luke, in chapter 14, Jesus actually turns to a large crowd and tells them really hard truth that they have a difficult time with. That if they don't hate their own life, if you will, die to themselves, carry a cross, they can't even be a disciple. He still felt compassion towards them. So what does that mean? He had good feelings towards them in the sense that he even spoke the truth to them. There's a benevolent spirit that Jesus had towards all. Yes, he was tough on religious people. He didn't mince words. When he needed to be clear, he was, of course. But the general arc of his ministry and his character, there's this compassion for people. And that's what believers are supposed to copy. We put that on. Tenderheartedness. Tender-hearted Christianity does not first think, what did this person do to deserve the mess they're in? It thinks differently. What can I do to help them? How can I offer a hand of compassion? Perhaps it's someone who has hurt you. You've been holding things against them. How can you be tenderhearted? Have a soft heart, not a hard heart towards them. And finally, he says, be forgiving. He says, forgiving one another just as God and Christ also has forgiven you. So if you want to be a forgiving person, you got to put off, put away, lay aside these old sins or the pagan way, the worldly mindset, I'm going to get mine, and if you get in the way, I'm going to get you. And then put on these Christ-like characteristics, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Charizomai is the word. It is echoes of the Greek word karis, means grace. It's to freely give favor, to freely pardon a wrong. The Ephesians are commanded to ultimately be this way. Why? Because the Lord is and was. He God forgave them in who? Christ. That's our motivation. And look, I want to make sure this is clear. The Ephesians aren't to forgive in order to be forgiven in the salvific sense. Like if they do this, they'll be saved then too. No. They're to be forgiving because they have been forgiven. Christ is who they look to for the courage to do this. And so you gotta think. I gotta think all of the sin, all of the hurt, all of the pain, all the slander, all the gossip, all the malice that we have been a part of. And Christ has forgiven us. Now think about this. Yes, there are those who have sinned against you. We too, like Christ has forgiven us, can forgive them. I saw this quote once to err is human, to forgive is out of the question. That's how the world works, isn't it? You wrong me, I'm done with you. Jesus comes and all of us have done him wrong, and yet he purchases us, the church. He washes our sin away. And so how can we, who have been bought by the death of Christ, not forgive others? Yes, we'll struggle, and yes, we'll struggle with people in the church. But if Christ has forgiven us, surely we can forgive. In Matthew 18, verses 21 to 22, Peter the disciple, was trying to look spiritual. So he said to Jesus, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Is right after Jesus' teaching about church discipline. So Peter's natural follow-up question is like, okay, but how many times do we have to forgive the repenting one? Like there's a limit, right? Rabbis at that time they would teach only up to three times. Then you don't have to forgive anymore. John MacArthur commentates this the faithful, godly Christian will never allow his own forgiveness to be surpassed by his brother's sin, reflecting his heavenly father's nature, where sin against him increases, so does his gracious forgiveness. There's such a contrast there. And when I was studying this recently, I found that the Jewish culture and the way that people were had limits with their forgiveness. All right, you know, there's a number here. So Peter almost doubles that and adds one. Rabbis taught up to three times Peter goes, all right, how about seven? Let me double that and add one. Jesus still says no. 70 times seven. What's he saying? Unlimited. Keep doing the math, Peter. Keep adding the numbers. The faithful, godly Christian never allows his own forgiveness to be surpassed by his brother's sin. That means you're always forgiving more than others are sinning. I read recently about how Dale Carnegie once noted that the only animal the grizzly would allow to eat with him was the skunk. Grizzly bears in Yellowstone Park would often come to eat at the place where the garbage was dumped, and grizzly bears who could beat pretty much any animal in a fight here in the West would let the skunk share its meal. Obviously, the grizzly could resent the skunk, could have easily killed the skunk, and no doubt that would have made sure there's more food, would have gotten rid of the skunk, and been consistent with the way that grizzly bears are with many other animals. But he didn't. Why? Because he knew the high cost of getting even. Most animals in nature aren't foolish. They're smart. A lot smarter than most of us. Who allow our stomachs to churn all day and our minds to storm all night. We allow our souls to turn black with hatred as we plot revenge. Haven't we all been guilty of this? Bitterness is the most dangerous of all plagues to healthy Christian living. It'll eat away at the vitality of your spiritual life until your once vibrant witness and testimony and hope and life is in shambles. It's the cancer of the soul, and it claims millions of victims each year. It spreads faster than the common cold, and it threatens the survival of many churches. We need to be smarter and realize there is a high cost to getting even, a high cost to bitterness, a high cost to unforgiveness. And there is a cure for this. One of the most beautiful words in any language is the word forgive. It's a common one. But I was reading recently about the essence of the word being at the last half. Give. To give someone a release, to let them go, to quit pulling on the rope, to ring the bell of bitterness. That's ultimately up to you and up to me. It means giving up the right of retaliation. It means giving them grace. And how do you do that? How can we be a forgiving person? We look upon Christ. His example is ours. We imitate him, we follow after him closely, keeping our eyes where they need to be rather than on ourselves and the distractions of bitter vengeance and unforgiveness. In the next episode, we'll take a look at how to ask someone for forgiveness. So we move from how to be a forgiving person to how we ought to approach people. And I want to walk you through seven of the most important key steps. So you can take those steps to reconcile or be walking with someone as they take those steps towards reconciliation and seek forgiveness. Also, be sure to DM us at ForTheGospel or myself on Instagram with your questions on forgiveness. I'll be finishing this series with a listener QA and I'll plow through as many questions as you send in and do my best to give you biblical answers. Thanks for listening and watching, for sharing, and for supporting. I'll be back next Monday with another episode. Keep on living for the gospel.