Welcome to the For the Gospel podcast where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Kasti Hinn, and I want to welcome as always our listeners on Apple and Spotify and those of you who are enjoying this on our YouTube video podcast format. If you're new to our ministry, be sure to subscribe on our YouTube channel for free content and check out for thegospel.org to partner with our ministry or to check out our mission, our team, and take advantage of free resources there. Before I jump into today's episode, I want to make note of what I'm wearing. I don't normally do this, but with Radius Conference upon us, and I'm getting the privilege of preaching there alongside Brooks Bucer and Pastor John MacArthur and a number of other incredible faithful leaders. Radius is a ministry that is near and dear to my heart. Brooks is a dear friend and a brother. And actually, if you're watching this on video, you can see right here a croc head that I have behind me on the bookshelf in every episode. That's actually a croc head from about a 15 and a half foot crocodile, I'm told, not alligator, that the Yembi Yembi tribe killed. And it was a gift from Brooks to me. And I'm so grateful for it. It's a reminder right there, every episode and every video I do from here in our studio, that the mission of God and his glory and advancing the gospel is why we do what we do. You say, how does that represent that? Well, Brooks and his wife Nina and their son Bo reached the Yembi Yembi tribe. They had never been reached with the gospel. They reached them as a language group that had never heard the gospel, never been given the gospel. And to this day, uh the Yembi Yembi now have a church there, their own local elders. They've been raised up, they have the New Testament in their own language. There is a ton that has gone into that, but we've had Brooks on before, and I will have him on again in the future to share the story. But powerful reminder I got my pullover. I love Radius, and I'm wearing it this week as Radius Conference is happening, and this episode is releasing. So if you want to learn more, go check out Radius and my friend Brooks. What a faithful ministry he's leading there. On today's episode, it's part four of our series on conflict and forgiveness. We've been through conflict in the Christian response, what is forgiveness, how to be a forgiving person. And now on this final episode before our listener QA, how to ask for forgiveness. This is really important because a lot of people don't know how to properly or biblically seek forgiveness. And a lot of people wonder, what should I be looking for from someone who may be approaching me seeking forgiveness? Now, it would be nice if everyone just said, hey, I'm sorry, and they told the truth about their sin and they showed grace to one another, but human tendency is not so simple, not so clean, humble, or even biblical when it comes to asking and giving someone forgiveness. We are self-protectors by nature because pride is our natural and fleshly bent, not humility. And even a longtime Christian will wrestle with pride and have a difficult time confessing their sin. This is a humbling reminder of why we need the gospel, we need plenty of grace, and we need the Holy Spirit's help every day in our lives. I've heard my fair share of apologies in life, I'm certainly sure you have, and I've had to offer my fair share of apologies in life, and so have you in our relationships, ministry, friendships, and the like. And what keeps us feeling the joy and freedom of forgiveness andor confessing our sin is just that confession. When we are the sinning party, we don't do ourselves or anyone any favors when we will not be honest and confess our sin. Also, a lack of forgiveness, bitterness, all of those things are at the helm of uh a ship that is heading into the rocks for a destructive end. When we've been sinned against, when we don't offer forgiveness, it's not a pretty outcome. And that's why the last episode, if you haven't listened to it already, will be really helpful. It's how to be a forgiving person. People who have a difficult time with confessing sin are not ever going to feel the weight of the issue lift because they've not brought the sin into the light. And this episode is gonna focus now on that. We need humility, we need maturity, we need submission. And a lot of conflict can be remedied when we will give ourselves to God's word and put it into action. One of the best resources you could ever read on this particular topic is Ken Sandy's book, The Peacemaker. And in a chapter titled Confession Brings Freedom, he lays out the seven A's of confession. And I want to take you through those in this episode. Confession is a powerful peacemaking tool. God has designed it that way. I especially love Proverbs 28:13, which says, He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. When you and I confess our sins, not try to hide them, we typically find a mercy. So let's take God at his word. Let's not blame shift, let's not self-preserve, let's not make excuses or put on some self-righteous act. In fact, we'll find more grace, more blessing, more favor, more forgiveness, and more reconciliation. If we'll put aside the old public relations tactic of just pretend it didn't happen until everyone moves on, that doesn't ever solve the heart issue. And we want to be careful when we do apologize that we're not elusive with our language. Maybe we use phrases like, hey, I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt. I'm sorry you took it that way. Oh, I'm sorry that bothered you. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so sensitive. All of those are shallow jabs and daggers that do not lead to genuine forgiveness and restoration. So let's jump in. The seven A's are going to be very helpful for you or someone who you're walking with as they seek your forgiveness or someone else's. Number one, address everyone involved. Address A, address everyone involved. As a general rule of thumb, you should confess your sins to everyone who's been directly affected by your wrongdoing. Obviously, you confess your sin to the Lord first, but you would extend that to others because they have been affected by your sin. One of the great examples in the New Testament is Zacchaeus. He seeks to right his wrongs by going and seeking restitution or reconciliation with those he has affected. He doesn't just say, hey, Jesus forgave me, I'm good, who are you to judge me now? No. A sinful decision he made, and decisions, plural, had affected the community of people he was a part of directly. And so he sought to make things right with them. Sandy helpfully writes this whatever the case, your confession should reach as far as your offense. What a great reminder. Challenging, but a good reminder. Number two, avoid if, but, and maybe. Avoid, A, avoid if, but, and maybe. Don't approach it this way. I'm sorry if I have done something to hurt you. That doesn't acknowledge the certainty of your sin. Avoid this one too. I wouldn't have done that to you, but you made me lose my temper. There's an if or a but. That's a blame shifter. Another one, I'm sorry if I hurt you, but you made me lose my temper. Maybe next time if you didn't do that, I wouldn't react the way I did. There's the if, there's the but, and there's the maybe all in one sentence. If it contains if, it's not a humble confession that asks for forgiveness the right way, you have still left room for your self-protection and excusing your behavior. Number three, admit specifically. Admit specifically. The more you offer a detailed description that names your sin, the more likely the person you've sinned against is going to see you've honestly owned your sin and you're avoiding vague confessions. A vague confession may go something like this: I know we've been having some challenges lately. Whereas admitting specifically sounds more like, hey, I know I've made insensitive comments, selfishly focused on my own needs, and I failed to love you like Christ calls me to over the last two days or three days or this afternoon. I know this is not fostering an environment of love in our marriage. I know my words and my actions grieve the Holy Spirit and hurt you. Would you please forgive me? That type of specific confession is like a soothing bomb of affirmation over the heart of the one we hurt. It doesn't solve the problem completely. We'll need to take positive action towards change for that. But it causes the offended party to feel seen and loved and affirmed that you see what they see. I think back to a very more humorous approach to this recently in my own marriage when I did something and my wife noticed it, and she laughingly said, okay, just at least acknowledge that you are seeing this the way I am. Acknowledge what I said was true. And I had to laughingly say, Yes, dear, you are right. I acknowledge it. And we laughed it off. It was a more simple, shallow, more humorous situation. But that type of attitude is important in all of our relationships. I think in more serious cases where you and I are dealing with someone we're in conflict with, and the refusal to acknowledge the specific sin we have committed or the specifics of the situation causes the other person to lose trust and say, Yeah, you don't see the sin the way I do. So we can't yet deal with this together. Number four, acknowledge the hurt. If you want to reconcile and seek forgiveness faithfully, show the person you see the hurt that you've caused and that they have had to endure some pain because of your actions. This shows understanding and it's the hallmark of the peacemaker. I really like Ken Sandy's two examples that he offers. The first one is this example. You must have been terribly embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone. I'm very sorry I did that to you. That's a way to acknowledge the hurt. Another one, I could see why you were frustrated when I didn't deliver what I said I would on time. I'm sorry I failed to keep my word and commitment to you. Now, you can expand on this acknowledgement even by asking the person who you've hurt to share how your actions have affected them or made them feel. And this is gonna be a difficult thing for our pride, but healthy for our peacemaking. You could say to someone, would you be willing to honestly and candidly share how my actions made you feel? I know that what I said and what I did was wrong, but I'd like to listen to what you have to say about it. Now, the one aspect of this particular A that's gonna make a lot of people feel uncomfortable is this feelings part. It's the ultimate test for some of us who are willing to apologize, will address the hurt specifically, we'll even, you know, sit patiently while someone cries for a minute or so. But eventually we kind of go, all right, look, enough with the feelings. Come on. And perhaps even now you're thinking, well, listen, Costi, come on. We don't want to enable all of this freedom of expression of feelings. We're just gonna open up Pandora's box, and then they're gonna think about the past. We're just we're we're just ripping open old wounds and playing into a victim mentality, and next thing you know, they're gonna think they have the upper hand, and now we have to bow to their feelings. Look, if that's your mindset, you are likely wrestling more with pride than the danger of this person that you're trying to reconcile with going down memory lane. Now, perhaps they need to, and you need to go down memory lane because you have a history of not apologizing and not being humble. But the issue of us listening to someone is typically our own. And we typically experience ongoing conflict, and we are difficult to live with or be friends with because we don't do a good job listening to the people we've hurt as they share. We want to cut them off, argue with them, and not acknowledge it. We will get along better with our spouses, our friends, in church relationships as well, if we'll humbly acknowledge their feelings as the result of our sinful actions, or even interact with their feelings, sharing how you didn't mean to make those feelings come back, or because of your actions, you've obviously stirred up thoughts of distrust or insecurity, and that you're very sorry that that's the case, and that you will do what you can to work back to a place of trusted reconciliation. You're gonna be able to move forward if you interact with their feelings. Number five, accept the consequences. I think about the prodigal son, and Luke 15, 19 comes to mind when after blowing his inheritance, he abuses what his father's given him, he says this, I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired men. Basically he's saying, Look, I understand if I can't be your son, but can I just please be your servant? Accepting the consequences is mature, it's understanding, it's humble, it's contrite. I think of Psalm 51:17, where David says, Oh Lord, the humble or the broken and contrite heart, oh Lord, you will not despise. God does not slam the door on the contrite, humble person. It causes people to see that you're not trying to get away with anything, you're willing to accept the consequences genuinely. Another example again, Zacchaeus in Luke 19. And he tries to pay everyone back. He understands the consequences of his sinful lifestyle, and that it's going to involve some sort of restitution if he's able. And on this particular topic, I can't help but think of false teachers or pastors who have blatantly taught heresy or they get caught having affairs and then they come out and say, you know, I repent, I repent, only to refuse to follow through with any sort of restoration plan that involves staying out of pastoral ministry or submitting their finances to an accountability board, or even seeking out forgiveness and dialogue with the parties that they've abused or exploited or sinned against to the fullest extent possible. We don't advocate as believers for people to be dragged through the mud like these Catholics or Mormons that figuratively, maybe even literally, they think they will one day, and some do in purgatory, you know, you're gonna crawl across something on your knees or, you know, crawl across broken glass, and once you've paid your penance enough and you've bled and suffered, then you're forgiven. That's not the Christian heartbeat. Nobody wants to pound into the dust a genuinely repentant false teacher or someone who fell into the sin of sexual immorality. If your genuine repentance is present, believers love that kind of turnaround story. We're wired for it. Why? Because that's every one of our testimonies. So often, false teachers or sinful people who are running from the consequences, they they just want to acknowledge something bad happened, they shouldn't have done it, but they don't endure a full biblical process. If you want to reconcile with people, accept the consequences that there are some, and then walk humbly as the Lord restores you. Number six, alter your behavior. If you're gonna ask someone for their forgiveness and confess in a way that gives you the best opportunity for restoration, you need to put into action your repentant direction. You can't just talk the talk to get out of the conflict. You need to walk the walk in obedience to Christ. And this is the scary and intimidating question for some people that asks, what's your plan for ensuring this doesn't happen again? Or if it's something that we know naturally may happen because we are sinful, you might say, How will you put your strategies and boundaries in place to keep this from being a pattern? Or when will you be establishing new habits and getting the help you need to put this type of behavior behind you? Now, obviously a Christian can't change without Christ, but this is a podcast for Christians. So let me safely assume just for a moment that you are someone who believes in Jesus Christ by faith for salvation. Well, then ask him for help. If you happen to not be a Christian, you need to know that your behavior modification is not gonna last without heart transformation. And that applies to all of us. The heart is the target. What idol caused you to behave this way? What sense of pride or entitlement or fear or some other sinful heart issue is at the root of your behavior? You've got to get to the root of that if you're gonna alter your actions. Writing this down on paper can be really helpful. I remember one mentor telling me the faintest ink is better than the freshest memory. And what he meant was, you know, don't just say, oh yeah, I remembered, I think I'm gonna do this, or I might do that. But no, write it down, put it on paper, take a pen, lay it out, make it clear, share it with a spouse or the person you're resolving the conflict with and pray over it. Agree to it that you're gonna do it and then be held accountable. You don't alter behavior with wishful thinking. You see change by putting truth into action. Finally, number seven, ask for forgiveness and allow time. Ken Sandy writes, if you follow the six steps described already, many people will readily forgive you. But if not, ask the person, will you please forgive me? This question is a signal that you've done all you can by way of confession and that responsibility for the next move has shifted to the other person. Of course, we don't want to use the request as a pressure mechanism or belittle someone who needs time to decompress or even process the hurt you've caused. Sometimes you'll see people in a conflict or maybe you experience this and then you say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, get over it. And people need a little time to absorb what's just happened. And sometimes in cases where people have been hurt for years, that person needs time to process. They might even need some space. And so if you're the person seeking forgiveness from someone who appears not ready, you might say something like, I understand you're very hurt, and this is not going to just go back to normal right now. I'll be praying for you, and I want to do my best to love you and be available to you when you are ready to forgive and reconcile. If there's anything else I can do, please let me know. That's a great way to approach someone who is having a difficult time forgiving you. And sometimes more conversations are needed. Sometimes people forgive, and yes, sometimes people do not. The most important thing is that no matter what, even if someone does not want to be right with you, that you are right with the Lord. People who are not forgiving, if they're believers, may end up being the sinful party. And church discipline may commence if they begin to slander or take vengeance into their own hands and walk in bitterness. At the same time, while someone may not forgive, or someone may forgive, not every relationship is going to go back to the way it was. Lastly, not every situation will require all seven A's, but these are a helpful list of ways to seek forgiveness and ensure you've given you and the offended party the best opportunity for reconciliation. I hope this episode and these seven A's have given you plenty to think about and to consider. In the final episode on conflict and forgiveness, I'm going to be answering your questions. And so send in a DM if you haven't already to at for the Gospel Min on Instagram, or you can shoot us an email if that's better. Info at forthegospel.org. I'll do my best to answer as many of your questions as I can. Make sure that they center on the topic of forgiveness and conflict and the material we've gone through in these episodes. And I pray that it will be a blessing to you. Thanks as always for listening, for watching, for sharing, and for supporting this ministry. I'll be back next Monday with another episode. Keep on living for the gospel.