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Welcome to the Further Gospel Podcast, where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Costi Hinn. And whether you're listening to this on your favorite podcast platform or watching on our YouTube channel, I'm thankful you've joined me for this episode. And as always, I want to just specifically thank our gospel patrons and our partners for enabling us to produce and distribute all of this material, including the translation of these resources into Spanish. I've been teaching on marriage these last few weeks, and so far we've covered nine keys for a stronger marriage. Then we looked at submissive wives, and then a wife and her home, and then a sacrificial husband whose love will be seen in the way that he honors and cherishes his wife like Christ. And now an episode that I'm titling A Husband and His Harshness. You might think, why this in particular? Well, I think that in contrast to the first two episodes for the women, which was uh submissive wives and then a wife in her home, there is the need to touch on a husband's sacrificial love and also this particular aspect in today's world where husbands have a natural tendency to be harsh. And the Bible speaks to this issue specifically, so I can't overlook it. In a series on marriage, there is a need to touch on us husbands and our harshness. That could be our words, our tone, the way that we treat our wives. And look, men are not always harsh, but most men can be harsh, especially with our wives. And speaking in general terms here, at our worst, in our moments of impatient weakness, our wives might bother us, interrupt us, they might question us, they delay us, they distract us, dare I say it, they annoy us. And I know we wouldn't necessarily say that out loud, but I think it's really helpful when we as men just get honest about these things. We're men. And if I were to just take this caricature a little further, as men, we got things to do, we got goals to achieve, we got thoughts to process. You know, the times where you just nobody talk to me. I need to be in my head, I need to be thinking and processing. We've got little time to waste on what can seem to be little more than the pestering of a wife. We might accuse her of things like nagging, we might loathe her like she's some parasite, draining the life and vitality from us. Again, we would never say those things. But honestly, in the depths of our hearts, we can all be guilty of thinking those things, being harsh with her as a response and sounding really just bothered that this woman is invading our personal space, whatever that may look like. And you might say, Costi, how can you make such a claim? You know, not everyone is like that, only certain types of husbands or rude husbands. Well, I would argue this. The Apostle Paul in Colossians 3 19, when he says, Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh, or the word embittered against them, why that? Why not other things? Why that? Well, because universally speaking, husbands are going to have a struggle with this. Why does Peter in 1 Peter 3 7 command husbands not to be harsh and insensitive to their wives, but to love them and live with them in an understanding way, or else your prayers will be hindered? And it's like a divine threat. God won't hear you if you're being harsh with her, because men are going to struggle with these things. Gentleness does not come natural to us in marriage. It's difficult. And we're close to this person. And they are this other gender. And sometimes we may view women as like another species. They're wired different. And in most cases, they're going to be opposite of us in a lot of ways. In fact, they would say, you know, experts and I would just say biblically minded people are going to look at two people in a marriage and they're going to compliment one another in the way that they're opposite. When two people in a marriage are too much alike in negative ways, you get too much of that. And yet God puts us with people, typically, that are different than us. We are attracted to and like that person who's got a little bit more balance in areas we don't. Now, Paul the Apostle, knowing that men would struggle to be gentle and patient with their wives, says, Colossians 3.19, husbands do not be embittered against your wives. Love them is the phrase that comes before that. Now, the word embittered, it's the Greek word pakrino, and it can mean to be bitter or angry or harsh. And so if you hear me say, husbands, do not be harsh with their wives, or do not be embittered or angry towards, all of those words are appropriate translations. A husband may have any number of reasons for being harsh. Let me just give you a list. You're frustrated with her questions. She talks a lot. She spends a lot, her emotions, there may be intimacy differences, she may be controlling in your eyes, or maybe she really is. She may nag about tasks that you aren't doing, and so it's your fault, or she may be nagging about things and it's her problem. She may not be catering to your preferences, she may not be respecting you. You may not be acting respectable, but well, she needs to respect you still. The Bible is clear about that. Her friendship choices may bother you. Her lack of support for your decisions, her criticisms, or her general lack of submission. All of those could be the reason, but let me press in, brothers. Whatever the reasoning, the word of God calls us to be sensitive with our wives, and even though they are challenging at times, we are to love them and not be harsh with them. In Colossians 3 19, husbands, love your wives. Same word used when we talked about love in the last episode on Ephesians chapter 5. Agape. It's unconditional, initiating love, it's patient love. It might even be a one-way love. It might feel like that. It's not transactional. It's steady, consistent, unchangering, unchanging, unwavering. And for all the commands given to Christians in scripture, the command for husbands to love their wives is consistently repeated whenever marriage rules come up. And a wife, while certainly commanded to love others, as every Christian should, is not ever commanded to love her husband. Of course, Titus 2, 3 through 5 says the older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands, but you won't find this command like you see with men. Women are commanded to respect their husbands, and that's because it doesn't always come naturally for a woman to submit and respect her husband. Men, you are called, regardless of how she operates, to be gentle, sensitive, loving, and not to be embittered. Now marriage dynamics can lead to this vicious cycle of husbands who lack gentleness, love, and sensitivity, and wives who lack respect and are domineering. And so that's why we visit these topics and we should visit them often. How can we say anything but that we need Christ in our marriages? We've got to have the Lord Jesus Christ as the foundation in our covenant, also as the fuel for it, meaning his word and his commands and his design in order to make the marriage work. Now, wives already got their episodes, and so husbands with harshness and how it comes out in a variety of ways, we need to address this. I was recently asking some brothers in uh, we have a men's Bible study on Tuesday mornings at 6 a.m. And we were talking about this particular topic, and I asked them to share about some of the ways that our harshness comes out. It's a diverse group, older, younger, some married over 50 years, some married for just months. And here's the list that we came up with together. This is how a husband's harshness comes out. We said tone, first of all. Totally, tone. Sarcasm. We may make sarcastic comments at her. Silent treatment. We just ignore her. I'm not going to talk to you. Impatient. We're just constantly annoyed with her, and it comes out with impatience. What about body language? You know, I'm going to sit there, I'm going to cross my arms, I'm going to look at you, I'm going to roll my eyes, I'm going to show no interest. A sixth was cynicism. We're just going to be cynical. And maybe demeaning in the way that we talk about some of her optimism. We're vindictive. We're going to kind of get her back in ways that seem subtle, but it's vindictive. How about we target her vulnerabilities? We know the soft spots, and so we poke at them. What about cheap shots? Comments that we know would hurt. We just hit her anyway with them. A lack of listening, a lack of encouragement. What about being unintentional? This was a really interesting one. One of the ways that we're harsh with our wives or we're embittered, meaning we're we're just kind of emotionally cold. We're over them. We're over it. We're not kind of dealing. We're very unintentional. So we just don't take that extra step and we don't think about her sensitivity or what might be meaningful. Another brother said, scorecard, like as in 1 Corinthians 13, love doesn't keep a record of wrongs. Scorecard. That's one of the ways that we are embittered or harsh with them. We just keep score of all their wrongs and we're going to hold it against them. And even if they sorry, if they say sorry, they ask for forgiveness, the thing is done. We're just going to keep that tally, and just to keep the upper hand of power, make sure we remind her. Hey, this is like the fourth time. Hey, this is the, you know, this is a thing. Another one, not valuing their input. They give their opinion, they give their thoughts. Oh, thanks, honey. You don't know what you're talking about. What about we fix her to silence her? This is another one. Ways that we're embittered or harsh. We don't want to hear her. We're kind of tired of it. And so we're just going to fix her. Here, do this, do this, do this. Good. Okay, now enough, right? I don't have to hear from you anymore. What about judging? We judge her. We impugn her motives. That was another one, and then we demean her. I am sure that no matter how long you've been married or how pleasant your wife may be, some of those have emerged on your resume or mine as a husband, because we're all prone to sin. And we all have moments where our flesh gets in the way, and whether we like it or not, we begin to be harsh. This is one of the reasons why forgiveness in marriage is so important. And let me just say a lot of what we're talking about in this marriage series can and should apply to all of your relationships. We're going to offend one another. You're going to offend your husband or offend your wife. It's just inevitable. And how we navigate those offenses becomes critical to marriages that last and are joyful and ones that don't. Even if people say, well, we're just going to stick it out, their marriage could be miserable because they don't operate in a way that the Bible calls you to with conflict resolution. We will talk about that in the next episode, resolving marital conflict. But let's get into why harshness or impatience with our wives is such a challenge. Let me just give you some reasons here. Number one, she's the person you've been the most vulnerable with. As men, our insecurity comes out when someone we've been vulnerable with weaponizes that information or their proximity. We've let her get close. She is close. She's got information, privileged and private, and not sinful in gossip, of course. This is like if your husband or if someone is abusive, you don't, you're not going to keep that a secret. You want to bring that to the proper authorities and go to your pastors and your elders. You want to deal with those things that are destructive. If he's committing adultery, it's not like, well, you know, you can't tell anyone, or he's lying and cheating, or he's doing things with his business that are illegal. Or like there's a number of things that you as a wife, you're not, you're not going to keep private, or you as a husband have no right to tell your wife, like, hey, that's family business, or that's marital stuff. No, you're in sin. But in general, she's kind of got a good lowdown of all your weaknesses and your problems. She knows you intimately. And when they do something that causes your confidence to waver, you might get harsh. Number two, it's not the first time you've heard it. Wives will repeat things to us, and patience is required when she's a repeat offender. She's nagging about the same thing, you might say, or she always this or never that, even though those are terminal terms that aren't accurate. But also, what if she has done something to offend you repeatedly? Wives are repeat offenders. It's not the first time you've heard it, not the first time you've seen it. And you're gonna grow frustrated with her. Wives are undergoing sanctification just like all Christians are, and sometimes it's too slow for your liking, and you are harsh or embittered with her. Look, your wife is gonna do things that bother you multiple times. You gotta get used to that. Meaning she's gonna sin. Hopefully she repents. When she does, forgive her and move on. But sometimes the harshness comes out because we think, well, it shouldn't be happening anymore. Like, I've warned you, don't do that again, or leave me alone, or stop asking me that question. We got to be careful. Number three, it's a defense mechanism. Harshness comes out when our pride has been poked and we feel attacked. Our wives know the buttons to push and the soft spots we possess, and so we can be harsh as part of a defense mechanism. Now, there are more reasons you could add, but those three are going to help you dissect what's happening in your heart. And then the question begs, what do we do? Number one, brothers, look to Christ's example. Ephesians 5, 25 to 33. We unpacked it last time. I don't need to repeat it. I'll just remind you look where love begins. Our love begins with Christ. We are to emulate Christ. And that means agape love. That means it doesn't matter what she's doing, what she's saying, how bothersome she is. You say, I'm gonna love her because she is mine. This is the one I've chosen. This is the one my heart belongs to. And then think about yourself. Christ loved you when you were a sinner. He loved you when you were not lovable. He loved you when you were annoying and difficult. He loved you when you were bothersome. He loved you when you were a repeat offender. He loved you when you were rebellious, disobedient, not submissive, and stubborn. And so, brother, when the Bible says love her like Christ loved the church, that means you are going to follow his example, look to him and say, Hey, if Jesus is this way with me, and he is, all right, this is the standard for me with her. And it gives you this renewed zeal and really a humility to follow how Jesus has loved you in the way you love her. Number two, study the word. I don't have some pithy fix here. I just the word of God. And I'm sure there's other podcasts and maybe other places you can find some real pithy, you know, cultural, you know, nuggets that are just mind-blowing and wow, let me try this and try that. Let me just give you the time-tested proof of what God's word will do if you take it to heart. It will change you. It's powerful. You don't need to go further than the word of God. And if you were to say, Costi, what do you do when you're wanting to be more sensitive to your wife or hone in your harshness, or you're feeling impatient or frustrated in your marriage, and you guys have what Pastor Kevin from our church, Kevin Hay, always calls intense fellowship. You know, when you have marriage conflict, Costi, or when, because we're human, sorry to kind of break the veneer, Costi and Christine, you know, are perfect and will never sin and never offend one another. The reality is every marriage is the same. Every one of us will wrestle with this. What do I do? Do I have some special anointing or special privilege or special level of perfection? No, your pastors don't, and they never will. We all do the same thing that we tell you to do. We go to God's word and it washes over our souls, just like any believer. I can't tell you how many times Colossians 3.19 has stared me in the face and it feels like it's looking into my soul. Costy, love Christine and do not be harsh with her, do not be embittered with her. It's like a gut punch of conviction. It changes my tone, it changes my heart, it brings such conviction over me. And I realize I want to be more sensitive, I want to be more thoughtful. I don't want to have to get told your tone's a little insensitive, or you're not thinking about me in the way that I would appreciate you thinking about me, or you know, some other corrective. And I want to be able to say, hey, God's word did this in my heart, and I see it for what it is. If you're having an issue, brother, study what God's word says about the issue. Let's make no more excuses. Let's not compare to others, let's not pretend that we're something we're not. Let's just go to the Word of God and let it wash over our soul. I think sometimes in the church world and maybe even in circles that are really uh passionate about sound doctrine like ours, we'll call it the reformed-ish world. We are so resistant to the idea of transparency and vulnerability when it comes to our issues because, you know, since we know the truth, I guess we're all supposed to be perfect. Let me just encourage you. Nobody is arriving. When you hit 75, 80, 90 years old, nobody is arriving at perfection. Perfect sanctification comes in glory. It will not happen on this side of heaven. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry, to disappoint you. You talk to older, wiser men. I talked to gray-haired men in my life, married 50, nearing 60 years, and they say it never ends. Only time reveals just how sinful we are and how much in the heart is deceitful and wicked and under there. And the more you peel the layers back, the more you realize how much you need Christ. And so be encouraged. It never ends. Now, in the first year, perhaps if you're in your first decade, we're in the 13th year, and as the 20 and 30 and 40 year marks, Lord willing, lie ahead in our future and yours. We're gonna need to go back to the gospel, back to the word of God, and back to humility, repentance, and forgiveness. Number three, brother, consider your words and your tone. Proverbs 15, 1 is a great reminder. Says a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word will stir up anger. You know, and I know, let's just level with each other. You want to get your wife going and fired up, you want to get her anger stirred, just give her a harsh word. Just respond to her with vexation and with an edge and fire back at her with that annoyance in your voice. And you watch as that woman doesn't feel loved and cared for, like she can approach you. She feels like a person that you don't love or know or care about, some outsider who's clearly bothering you and doesn't have any meaning in your life. Now, every husband would say, Come on, of course I love her, she's meaningful, and but that's how they feel. And they then feel like they don't have access and like we don't care. Consider not just what you say, but how you say it. I think this might be what lends to most conflict in our lives and relationships. It's saying something with an edge, it's not watching the tone, it's not taking care with the attitude behind the words, and so spend time in Proverbs, interact with those passages, it will help us focus on how we say things. Number four, be humble with your wife. Our wives know us like no one else. No use putting up a front. Don't try to preserve your ego, don't make excuses, don't mitigate with phrases like, I'm sorry, I was harsh, you know, you're just a lot to deal with. Or I'm sorry, but if you wouldn't have that, then I wouldn't have this. Let's just be honest. I'm sorry. That's my fault. I shouldn't have responded to you that way. Will you please forgive me? And if you struggle with saying sorry or with conflict resolution in your marriage, there's two things I recommend. Go back to the series on forgiveness that I did on the podcast. I think it will be helpful for you. And learn how to ask for forgiveness and how to say you're sorry and what that even means. And two, stick around for the next episode and listen as I'll unpack for you how to resolve marital conflict. These are important matters, brothers, sisters. If you're listening in, let me encourage you when or if you send this to your husband, take care with how you message him that link. And maybe not, hey, you won't listen to me on this. Maybe Costi can convince you. I don't want to be used as your weapon. Uh, you are not the Holy Spirit. So take care. Perhaps it's coming to him humbly, watching your tone and the way that you approach him and saying, I was listening to this and this has been on my heart, and we discussed this before. Uh, this may express what I have been trying to tell you in a way that's more man-to-man from your brother in Christ Costi. If you're a part of our church, you know, you know already how we would encourage you to approach these kind of situations humbly, graciously with your spouse. And understand this if you're a man who wrestles with this, spend some time alone with the Lord on it. Just get really honest with him. Go to Colossians 3.19 and begin to lay out the reasons why you're harsh with her. And then begin to look at those things and ask, am I this or have I been with the with the Lord this way? Yes, you have, and I have, and so we need to go back to humility, repentance, forgiveness, and grace, watching not just what we say, but how we say it. As the head of the home, brother, as the one who is under Christ but given charge to preside, prof uh provide and protect and care and nurture her soul, that comes with a high calling and a very serious responsibility to take care in how you shepherd her, nurturing, loving, and caring for her in a way that reflects her Lord Jesus Christ. In the next episode, we're gonna talk about resolving neural conflict, and it may be one of the best episodes to listen to together with your husband or your wife. So I'd invite you to do that. Thanks for listening, for watching, for sharing, and for supporting. If the podcast has been a blessing to you, be sure to leave a review on Apple and let some others know how these resources can strengthen them too. To watch videos on a variety of Christian topics, you can go to our YouTube channel, click playlists, and we've got dozens of studies and videos and series for you to choose from. And you could subscribe on our channel and get those sent to you every single week. And for more information for the gospel or to become a gospel patron and give a monthly gift, you can go to www.forthegospel.org. I'll be back next Monday with another episode. Keep on living for the gospel.