Welcome to the For the Gospel Podcast, where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Costi Hint. And whether you're listening to this on your favorite podcast platform or watching on our YouTube channel, I'm thankful that you've joined me for this episode. And as always, just want to specifically thank our gospel patrons and our partners who enable our ability to produce and distribute all of this content along with the translation of these resources into Spanish. If you're not already following Porelli Vangelio on Instagram and Facebook, we have a YouTube channel as well for Spanish speakers. You should definitely check that out. This is episode six of our series on marriage, and it's the final episode before our listener QA, where I'm going to take all of your questions and I'm going to answer them from a biblical perspective. If you have not already, be sure to send in questions to our DMs and we will get to all of those. We already have a great number of them that have poured in over these last couple of weeks. If you're new to our ministry, I typically will go through a series on the podcast, and along the way, you are always free to send in questions, and I usually end a series with your uh questions getting answered. I want to talk today about resolving marital conflict from a biblical perspective. And let's just start by getting this out of the way. We need to say it. It's important. Conflict is inevitable in marriage. It's not a matter of if we're going to fight, it is a matter of when. And you may not like the word fight. You can use a word that one of our pastors at Shepherd's House, Kevin Hay, likes to call intense fellowship in our marriages. It is a matter of when you will have intense fellowship. Conflict in marriage will frustrate some Christians because they have forgotten that they are going to have conflict. Expectations breed frustrations. They expected everything to be smooth. Hey, why are we even fighting? This seems like it's not normal, you know, and they get this idea that just because we have Christ at the foundation of our marriage covenant, everything's going to be peachy. That's not how any relationship between Christians will be, and that's not how marriage is going to be. You are going to have conflict. Now, I think it's important to get to the bottom of why, because it doesn't make it okay. Just because we're going to have conflict does not make it something that we just readily accept and go, okay, well, I guess there's nothing we'll do about it. We just roll with it and fight. No, but we can talk about certain reasons and it makes it an understandable reality and creates what I would just call a sense of maturity with conflict, that we can understand why it happens. Here's a few reasons. Number one, we are redeemed people, but we are not perfect people. As a Christian, you are justified, you're made righteous in Christ, you have a status before God that is forgiven, redeemed, loved, chosen, called, secure. All of that. Positionally, you are secure. But that doesn't mean that sanctification, which is the process of being transformed and growing in holiness, is an instantaneous thing. We are going to still wrestle with sin. Paul the Apostle says in Romans chapter 7, verse 19, for I do not do the good that I want, but I do the evil that I do not want. That's what I keep on doing. And I think it's so helpful to listen to the words of Paul in Romans chapter 7, because we can then say if Paul the Apostle, who's pretty prominent in the ministry, was going to make mistakes. He was going to sin. He was going to offend people, what in the world makes us think that we're never going to offend one another in marriage? It is inevitable. We are redeemed people, but we're not perfect people. Number two, closeness will result in some conflict. The covenant of marriage brings us into union with our husband or our wife. And in that, there's going to be some beautiful closeness and some really very God-ordained oneness. That's what God wants. He wants you to be close. At the same time, that closeness is going to be a challenge. Living with your husband or wife in deep, daily, intimate relationship exposes us. Our sin is on display. We frustrate each other, overlap one another. We read into motives, or we use the past to predict future conduct, and then we project that onto our spouse. There's a host of other things, including just basic annoyance over the way someone does things differently. And look, that's going to create conflict. We're all maybe familiar with the funny toothbrush illustration of, you know, people get married and they haven't lived together, they've never experienced this. And then, like, wait, you don't put your toothbrush like that. A toothbrush goes like this, or this does this, and and on and on. Just some funny ones I thought of bathroom counters become the place of world wars in marriage. Makeup on the bathroom counter. Uh, the way he puts a towel on the bathroom counter or lack thereof, it ends up on the floor, or he folds it wrong, or you fold it wrong if you're a woman. The way that the dishwasher gets loaded. This one is kind of funny. Like people come into marriage with a moral compass of how a dishwasher should be loaded, how she parks the car inside or outside the garage. If she touches the garage, we have some funny ones in our home. Sometimes I'm like this, the garage, the lawn, these are these are my domain. You know, those are areas. Why'd you move that there? Or I end up messing with something that she has done in the house. And she's like, Costi, I this is how I wanted it to be. I'm like, oh, sorry. We live together. One of the funny ones we joke about a lot with our small group and our friends is maybe applicable to you brothers. I would love to know if there's some guys out there that do this, so I'm not alone. But before we have company, come over and we're fellowshipping with folks in our home. I like to blow off the driveway not long before they get there. I think, you know, if there's leaves and dust, we just need to we need to make it look real fresh so that when they come up to the door, you know, it just doesn't look like the, you know, we just had a uh a windstorm. And so I'm out there with the blower, and my wife would prefer that I'm inside helping with things that matter to her. And but the blower matters immensely to me, and making sure that everything is blown. That is like I would be on the roof if I could be. Holidays, traditions, preferences, people, your opinions, her opinions, more, all of that. Closeness results in some conflict. You're just gonna have to accept that in the sense that you don't get mad when it happens. I can't believe this, right? No, look, we're two different people, okay? So we need to walk through this with maturity and then love. Number three, here's a reason spiritual warfare. So, no, I'm not saying the way that she parks the car or or he blows off the driveway while you're inside, you know, tidying up before a company comes up is spiritual warfare. I'm not saying that at all. Those are just practical differences, but there is an element of marital conflict that is spiritual. The enemy is working overtime to attack your marriage because if he can divide the covenant relationship in the home, he can exploit the children because now the ones who preside over the children are divided. He can then destroy the witness of the home, not just the heritage of it, and then certainly steal the joy in a healthy home. The devil hates happy marriages. So he sows seeds of division and bitterness and presumption and miscommunication, all to subvert your unity. So don't be fooled. There are maybe these funny or more uh benign issues that we have, differences, the differences between the two sexes, differences between preferences and the way that you have come to have certain habits. But there is a dark side to marital conflict. Do not sleep on the fact that the devil hates your marriage and he wants those little molehills to turn into mountains. He wants a very small issue to blow up into a big destructive one. Number four, predisposed worldviews. There's going to be some challenges in marriage when two people get married and in their case they have different worldviews on specific issues. And that could be intimacy, parenting, money, time management, theology, a host of other lifestyle-related issues. One of the great issues that you'll see with two people is, well, I want to parent this way. Well, I would never parent that way. And I well, no, I always said when I was younger that if my children do this, this, that, I'm gonna this, this, this, and someone else says, Well, I said that I would never have children who that, that, that. And you have all of these predisposed, preconditioned worldviews. And when you put those two opposing views in one home, sparks are gonna fly. Our job as believers is to bring all of those predisposed opinions to the table and say, is the way I'm viewing this based on scripture or something else? Otherwise, we're setting ourselves up for disunity on household codes. Number five, another reason that we have conflict is God's sovereign plan through conflict. Look, I sincerely believe that based on what the Bible teaches about how God will use trials, that He will ordain and He certainly will allow, even though it's sin that causes the conflict, God will use it. He can operate that way, He's sovereign, to grow us closer to one another. So marital conflict isn't just all about our sin and Satan's attacks and the problems and predisposed worldviews we have and how we're just a big mess, and you know, no, that God will use these things to strengthen us and sanctify us as part of his plan. So here's what I mean, though, very important caveat. That conflict, when handled biblically, will bring us closer together. And when it hand when it's handled bitterly, it will drive us apart. And so why do we have conflict? Well, because in God's sovereign plan, he has chosen for now not to remove sin, not to end it all, not to establish his kingdom yet, and not to just make marriage perfect. He has chosen for his own purposes and glory to sanctify us through conflict, and so there are moments, and we all should say this after the conflict has been handled biblically. Lord, thank you for allowing that, even though it was uncomfortable, because it brought us closer together. Now, the key question becomes this since conflict in marriage is inevitable, how do we navigate it in a way that honors Christ? Number one, no third parties unless mutually approved counselors. Let me just give you some of the best advice we ever got from older couples married for decades and who lasted. Don't gossip about your marital conflict to friends, your in-laws, don't vent to anyone unless you've mutually agreed to seek counsel from a pastor or a specific and qualified counselor or someone in that kind of category. This is so important. Why? Because that's a total breach of biblical conflict resolution and not even remotely close to how it should be handled. Logically speaking, after you have finished venting to your mother about your wife, let's just say it was that, or to your friend about your husband, you're gonna go home and let's say two believers are gonna work it out. But your mom or your friend is gonna have to work through that still. You have just shared with them something they should not be privy to and burdened by because they're biased. And many times the in-laws or the friends don't exactly get the uh same privilege and the kind of spirit-filled unity and intimacy that comes from private conflict resolution in marriage. They're not a part of that. They're not involved in the covenant. Why should they be involved in the conflict unless the Bible gives room for their role, i.e., a counselor or a shepherd? The Bible does give room for that role, but not for this like conflict by committee, where you go vent and you tell this person and that person, and then you say to them, yeah, he did this. Like, so what are your thoughts on this? Does your husband do that? That is gossip, ladies and brothers. We're not going to the boys and saying, like, yeah, she's this, this, this, and that, that, that. And so who knows, even today, blah, blah, blah. And then we work it out, but we have just planted seeds of doubt or division or disparaging thoughts and views about the person that we're in covenant with. And there is many cases when that information becomes a weapon for those individuals in the future. And so now the mother-in-law with her daughter-in-law at odds because of past information that should not have been shared. Or a son-in-law with a father-in-law, or a friend with your spouse. And we wonder why we and our extended family and some friends will take issue with our spouse. We have these issues where, you know, why are they treating them this way? Or why do they have this view this way? Well, because it's kind of our fault. Gossip and slander, both information that's true but shouldn't be shared because it's going to harm someone, or information that's not true, but we've twisted it to protect our own reputation or elevate ourselves, has now created an issue. And instead of the issue being resolved beautifully and privately between husband and wife, it's created a silent division. And now others are carrying the offense and they don't get the privilege of proper conflict resolution. It is God's design for marriage conflict that it remain a private matter unless mediation is needed by a counselor or pastor. We don't create a case and create sides. We don't vent to the boys, we don't slam them with the girls. We work it out because we are in covenant with that person. And you know our ministry by now. You know what I've taught. If you're part of our church or you follow this ministry for helpful resources, you know I'm not saying that you don't get people involved if there's sin like adultery or abuse, or he's some alcoholic, or this thing has become so chaotic, and he or she refused to listen to biblical counsel and truth, and now you got to get people involved and you're accused of gossip. It's not gossip to do Matthew 18. It is gossip, though, to be able to resolve something and to make a mess of it because you talked too much to people who should not be involved. That is so important in marriage. One of the things that we counsel young couples in premarital about is do not run to a mom or a dad or a friend about conflict. You work it out with your husband or wife, you're stronger, move on. Number two, we need to base the rules of engagement on scripture. Unless two people are gonna base conflict resolution strategies on scripture, they're gonna have major issues. All emotions, all opinions, all hurts, rights, wrongs, and intentions need to be collectively placed under the authority of scripture. And so that's gonna require some things humility, the desire and willingness to speak the truth, to repent, to forgive. You need grace, you need love. We got to be able to admit that we're wrong, even when we think we're right about some things, if we're wrong about the core of it or we've sinned in the matter, we need to be honest. That means two people are not trying to win the argument against each other. They just want to win together against the argument. And that conflict should be seen as the target. And we're gonna team up, even if we're frustrated with each other, to overcome it. Very important that if you want to win at conflict resolution in your marriage, you need to base the rules of engagement engagement on scripture. Number three, avoid transactional ultimatums. In a covenant relationship, we are committed to loving each other and to forgiving each other and to be unified with each other. Therefore, tell me what healthy relationship exists under the banner of transactional ultimatums. No friendship, no partnership, no marriage will ever survive that. We do this when we say, if you ever do that again, I'll never forgive you. Or I won't be so gracious next time. It's like the person has apologized, we've we've worked it out, husband or wife, either or, and and then we just add that little dig. Or, yeah, I'll agree to this for now, but you're gonna buy me a gift to prove you're sorry. You know, we want our pound of flesh. You can't have a pound of flesh mentality if you're gonna resolve conflict with people in your marriage. This is so key. We can't say, do that again and I'll leave you for good. We're either gonna forgive or not. Now, there could be some level of agreement, like, hey, if we're gonna work this out, we need to agree to the following. Number one, no more scrolling our phones late at night. Number two, we're not gonna do this. Number three, you need to get accountability for that. Number four, we need to seek counsel. If if you agree to these things, we can certainly move forward. That's just good old-fashioned conflict resolution where somebody has shown a pattern of dangerous behavior. And in order to move forward, you have to have some kind of conditions, but it's not, it's not set with an edge. This ultimatum thing, like, well, oh yeah, you want me to forgive you. Well, you're gonna do this, this, this, and this, or I won't. You got to watch out for that kind of attitude. And it can creep up in any marriage. This type of approach makes the covenant a transaction, and it remains a transaction that we agree to so long as that person doesn't offend you. That's not a healthy marriage. Again, there might be situations with adultery or abuse where some conditions are agreed to. One party or both need to get help in order to keep the relationship working. That's reasonable. But we can't harbor bitterness by threatening with ultimatums. Nobody wins. You lose when you operate that way in relationships. Your marriage won't work. It won't be joyful. There won't be unity. Even if you feel like you got the upper hand in the moment, you're losing. Number four, go back to God's specific calling. You want to win at conflict resolution? Ephesians 5 22 to 33, just sit in that text with your spouse. Colossians 3 18 to 19. Just sit there with your husband and with your wife. Read about love. Read about submission. Read about respect. Read about harshness. 1 Peter 3 1 through 7. Sit there and meditate on your submission, sister, your respect of him. Whether he's acting the way you want him to or not. Brother, think about your harshness. Think about your insensitivity. Think about how rough you are with her. Like she's some dude, and you're gonna talk with this kind of bearish tone, and you're gonna you're really a bully as a husband. Look at the text. Go back to what God calls you to, brother and sister, in the Lord, the way you're operating your marriage. If you want to resolve marital conflict, this is about what God has called you to be. And this isn't telling your spouse what they need to do better. See? You see that text right there? You need to be more submissive. Or, yeah, you see what God's word says? Well, then if you wouldn't be so insensitive, you know, then I wouldn't have to react this way. We're not weaponizing scripture to resolve conflict in our marriages. We're looking in the mirror. What has God called me to specifically do? If a husband will do that and a wife will do that, you are gonna find that unity begin to emerge. Resolution is found. Like Christ, the wife goes back to her calling as unto the Lord. Like Christ is the husband going back to his calling as unto the Lord. When we do that, it course corrects any diversion and it gets us back to the flow of complementary design. God has made marriage and given it as a gift. The man and the woman must operate by his design to experience maximum joy. Number five, try to outhonor each other. You say, how is that going to help with conflict resolution? Well, the Bible makes it clear that this is how the body of Christ becomes very healthy, and I would say it's exactly how a marriage is going to become healthy. Romans chapter 12, verses 9 and 10. Paul says this let love be without hypocrisy, abhor what is evil, cling to what is good, and then this great line, be devoted to one another in brotherly love, give preference to one another in honor. That phrase right there, it's about how the body of Christ is to serve and love one another. And you can apply it in your marriage, because your marriage is literally two believers who are part of the body of Christ. You can apply it. That phrase, give preference to one another in honor, translates outdo one another in showing honor. Meaning this, if we are competitive in our relationships, if you want to win, don't try to win an argument. Don't try to compete with your husband or wife. Why don't we just compete to outhonor one another? That kind of attitude and love is going to transform marital conflict. How can I honor her above me? How can I honor my husband then if you're a woman above yourself? And number six, repent and forgive quickly and often. The faster we repent and the faster we forgive, the more firm our bond and conflict resolution will be. Pride doesn't get to live long, bitterness can't be given a foothold. Both are evicted long before they can claim residency. Ephesians 432 calls us to be kind to one another, be tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you. Forgiveness is the core of conflict resolution in marriage, and so is repentance. John Piper says this marriage is the place where the power of the gospel is most clearly seen. Not in how conflict is avoided, but in how forgiveness is pursued and given. Sinclair Ferguson says this forgiveness in marriage is not the result of tolerance or weakness, but of gospel strength. It is the deliberate act of grace by someone who knows what it is to be forgiven much. Forgiveness is a beacon of the gospel in your marriage. Repentance is a beacon of the gospel in your marriage. And how obvious it is that resolving marital conflict comes down to the gospel saturating your marriage at the root of unresolved issues in a marriage, at the root of bitterness, at the root of unforgiveness and pride and stubborn unwillingness to love one another and to outdo one another in showing honor is a lack of the gospel in our marriage. So that's where we go back to. That God's initiating love has pursued us, forgiven us, redeemed us, and continued to forgive us and love us, that even while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Then we who have been forgiven of so much can say, I forgive others. I forgive you. And we walk in love most especially with the one he has given us in the covenant of marriage. I hope that these conflict resolution truths have given you much to think about. If you're listening to this together, I pray that the two of you will have a wonderful discussion, and maybe this has offered some hope or some healing for your particular situation. In the next episode, I'll be answering all of your questions about marriage, roles, conflict, and more. I'm so grateful that we get to do this, and I'm really hopeful that these resources will strengthen you in what is the greatest gift God could give you besides your salvation, your marriage. So let's care and nurture and work with them for the gift that they are. Thanks for listening, for watching, for sharing, and for supporting. If the podcast has been a blessing to you, be sure to leave a review on Apple, let other people know how these resources can strengthen them too. And in order to watch videos on a variety of Christian topics, you can go to our YouTube channel, click playlists. We've got dozens of studies for you to choose from. And for more information about for the gospel or to become a gospel patron and partner with us to give a monthly gift, you can go to for the gospel.org. All that information is there. I'll be back next Monday with another episode. Keep on living for the gospel.