Welcome to the Further Gospel Podcast, where we provide sound doctrine for everyday people. I'm your host, Costi Hinn. And whether you're listening to this on your favorite podcast platform or watching this on our YouTube channel, I'm really thankful that you've joined me for this episode. And as always, want to specifically thank our gospel patrons and our partners who enable us to produce and distribute all of our content for free, along with the translation of these resources into Spanish. So getting back to our marriage series, wow, is all I can say to your questions from the series. We have gone through several weeks and you sent in so many heaters about in-laws, boundaries, lust, divorce, conflict, decision making. I saw questions about busyness, family life, all of it. So here's the deal. We're going to do the next two episodes on all of those topics. I'm going to dig in, I'm going to answer all of your questions, and I think these will be some of the most applicable marital discussions that you could have in your own marriage if you're going through these videos with your small group. These are major marriage topics. So we're going to dig in, and then next time I'll have more topics as well. I'm telling you, these are the big ones. So general categories today: in-laws, narcissism, boundaries, as in setting them, and then big moves. How do you make decisions when you're at an impasse with your husband or wife? So, question number one: when a believer takes seriously scripture, such as love bears all things, hopes all things, loves, keeps no record of wrong, forgives again and again, this all 1 Corinthians 13, I'm guessing, and you know, looks to keep peace and maintain vows, but loses her sanity, this is a woman asking, and her health in the midst. What does the Lord say when it's not reciprocated, when there's gaslighting, and when there are narcissistic ways and yet no true biblical cause for divorce, like adultery or abandonment? It's a really good question, an important one. And it reflects what a lot of believers have to sadly endure, and one that requires sensitivity but also objectivity. So let me do my best. First, I want you to understand the Lord will see your obedience. He totally does. I can't help but think of a verse that we often use when people die, and we can apply it to enduring all kinds of pain. It's Psalm 34, 18. It says, The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and he saves the crushed in spirit. He is near you. But with no biblical cause for divorce, you are going to endure suffering. And you're going to obey 1 Corinthians 13. That love hopes, it bears, it believes, and it endures all these things. Number two, I want you to remember that God is not indifferent to your pain. From a reformed view, we would say that physical abuse, adultery, and outright abandonment are always that the Bible speaks to, the marriage covenant being broken. And while we don't rush into divorce, the Bible leaves room for divorce. That is something that a spouse can exercise. We don't want to rush to that conclusion. We want to encourage forgiveness and restoration. However, what is happening is serious. And so God's not indifferent to the pain. It's not like, oh, suck it up, buttercup. Just sit through that and submit and get over it. Or if you're a husband, well, just deal with it. You know, you got a lover like Christ. Your church elders should be brought into the situation, and everything should be laid out on the table because God is not indifferent to that treatment that you're enduring. So it needs to be handled biblically. Number three, I want you to remember that love does not enable. So, in using your own language, 1 Corinthians 13, love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. Yes, 1 Corinthians 13 also says love does not rejoice in wrongdoing. So we're not going to support wrong. And so if your husband is a gaslighting narcissist who's wreaking havoc on the sanity and the spiritual vitality of you as his wife, that's not even remotely close to what Jesus calls husbands to love like. And so you are not called to silently endure in the name of love. That's called enabling. And what you allow, you encourage. So turning the other cheek doesn't mean turning a blind eye to sin. And I've been preaching and thinking through a lot of these things in relation to Matthew's words when Jesus, when Matthew records, Jesus' words, when he talks about turning the other cheek. And remembered when I was thinking through this from John Calvin's commentary, this comment, we are not bound to suffer every injury which is done to us as though it were right, nor is it contrary to Christian patience to seek for remedies for our evils. In other words, turning the other cheek doesn't mean you don't do anything about sin. Number four, I'd also want you to remember, be a witness in your suffering. When it's not physical abuse and enabling sin, but a husband is extremely difficult to live with. Remember 1 Peter 3, verse 1. It encourages wives, in the same way you wives be submissive to your own husbands, so that if even they are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, and they will observe your chast and respectful behavior. Let your life be a witness. Of course, where there's no physical abuse or that abandonment, be a witness. Next question. Uh if decisions are going against personal convictions? Well, plainly, if it's not sin, yes, you certainly should submit if it's your personal conviction and you can lay it down. But it doesn't mean you can't share your convictions with your husband. This is a wife asking, and ask him to accommodate your preferences and your opinion and your desires and meet you where you're at. Most sensitive, loving, Christ-like husbands are going to take into consideration their wife's sensitivities and their convictions. And wherever that we can, husbands are going to sacrifice without compromising the family, our leadership in a healthy way, spiritual thriving, and what we're called to do. So, you know, an example may be like a wife wants to go to a mountain cabin for the vacation, and the husband's like, No, I want Hawaii. And he chooses the mountains and he lays himself down and he doesn't say, like, you need to submit to me. We're doing Hawaii. I want to get a tan or whatever. But maybe in another situation, the wife is like, I don't feel like going to church. I want to sleep in. I'm tired. A bad husband, an unbiblical husband, says, Oh, my wife is tired and doesn't want to go to church. I need a lover like Christ and lay myself down. Okay, sweetheart, stay home. No, he will not bow to your convictions or your feelings, and you will be called by him in love to submit. And he says, No, sweetheart, this family is going to the Lord's house. You are going to get up and we're going to the Lord's house. That would be an example of laying yourself down, not an issue. Let it go. Who cares, guys? Let her win the vacation destination. That's awesome. However, we don't compromise our leadership when she and her convictions or her opinions or preferences are going to derail the spiritual calling God has given men in the home. All right, question number three. How to be the best spouse to a non-believer? That's a good question. First, by obeying scripture. Second, let your life be the best sermon they ever hear, and then love them like Jesus and honor them without enabling their sin. Be gracious and understanding. And I would also say remember that they're not a believer. I think one of the challenges for spouses that have an unbelieving husband or wife is you get so mad. Like, I just can't believe it. No, remember they're blind to righteousness and they're going to sin. Sinners are going to sin. Worldly people are going to act worldly. So don't be condescending. Don't roll your eyes and go, oh, just so worldly. I just can't believe this. No, no, no. Believe that Jesus can save them and treat them as you would a person on an airplane or at work who is an unbeliever. Would you roll your eyes at them and go, oh, pagans? No, you would evangelize them. You would share the God. You go, hey, let me tell you about the Lord. Let me share about his grace. Hey, have you ever thought about sin and what it means to miss the mark or that God created you in his image? There's so many good avenues to go down. So obey scripture, let your life be a witness, and love them like Christ, knowing they're sinful and lost. They need the Lord and He could use you to reach them. Question number four How do you honor your in-laws? All right, here we go. While still setting boundaries. This is so good. Not a one, not a one of us gets away with this question and goes, oh yeah, not an issue for me. Everybody has to navigate in-laws, and that works on both sides. So let me just give you a really good treatise on this. I think this will be helpful and probably one of the more popular questions that you guys want to dig in on. So first, understand the difference between honor and obedience. This is so important. Children must obey, adults must honor. Okay. Sometimes in-laws will really guilt trip and drag things out, and they're like, you need to honor me, you need to honor me. And they're defining honor as obedience. Yeah, not so fast. We need to be biblical. Honoring mother and father does not mean obeying mother and father as an adult. Obedience means doing what they say when you're under their family roof, their authority. Honor means respecting them as you do what's best still for your family. So that may mean you don't go to the family function. You're not being dishonorable. You love them, but you're not going to obey. Or mom gives you the guilt trip and tells you for the fifth time, like this could be grandma's last Christmas, and you can't travel, you can't this, you need to be this, you need to bring your kids across the country. Look, you may want to do that, and that's a good thing. But if you can't do it on a certain day or be there at a certain point until later, or your work schedule or what, and then you get the guilt trip and you need to honor us and you need to honor. No, honor doesn't mean obey. We've got to still do what's best for our family in the midst of respecting what we're trying to accomplish and what you're trying to ask us to do. Number two, in that, understand the priority of your marriage. We often cave to in-laws and we create conflict in our marriages when mom and dad have unlimited access and influence, key word, over our emotions, our finances, and our decisions. And so suddenly you have a wife who says to her husband, like I thought we agreed. And then your mother calls and you cave. How sad. You know, you love your mom more than you love your own wife, or you respect your mom more than you respect your own wife, or you listen to your mommy more than you even listen to your wife. Look, are those fun things to hear? No. Does a wife always convey those in a respectful way? Definitely not. But is she right at the core when mommy calls and a son who's now an adult presiding over his own home, the head of his home, his wife is submitting as under the Lord to him, and his mom calls and can completely twist his decisions? Yikes. She's not wrong, fellas. Maybe how she communicates it is a problem, but she ain't wrong. Or a husband might say, Sweetheart, I thought we agreed on that decision. I made it clear the direction we're heading. And then I hear from your dad that y'all talked and you decided this or that. You know, clearly you don't respect me or my leadership in this home. Genesis 224 is so clear. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother, and they will hold fat, he will hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. So marriage is the establishment of a new family order, one that places the marriage first over all other families. So how do you navigate boundaries and establish boundaries and navigate in-laws? Remembering your marriage, your marriage is the start of a new family. And they are now extended family, the marriage and your marriage comes first. And then third, I'd say embrace boundaries as healthy for relationships. Think about this. Government is good, but not communist control. A police officer can control your speeding, but not decide what's for dinner at your house. Your pastor can command via scripture, but has no right to tell you how to cut your lawn or what shoes you can wear. And in-laws can give you opinions and they can share advice. But those opinions and that advice cannot control your house. Boundaries are good. But boundaries for some reason, while embraced in much of life, don't always translate into relationships with the in-laws. And it may sound something like this from your mother-in-law or your father-in-law or your parents. You are just cutting us out and you're not honoring us after all we've done for you. This is how you repay us? Or they might say regarding your parenting or your structures or your schedule or your home rules. You guys are so uptight. You know, we used to let you do this and that all the time. Now you're not letting us experience the same things with our grandchildren, or you're not letting our grandchildren experience that. They're going to miss out. Or, you know, your parents may say, Why can't we come see our grandkids? You know, we helped you put the down payment on that house, and now you're going to refuse to let us come over. I'm sure you can add more, but the truth is, boundaries are healthy. And when there's gaslighting and guilt trips, it's time for a loving heart-to-heart with the in-laws, letting them know you honor and cherish them, but in order to have a healthy home and the kind of marriage that they actually want to be proud of and say, look at our kids, look at them thrive. Boundaries are going to need to be in place in some key areas. You, I'm talking about you, married couples, you are responsible before God for your family's spiritual and emotional health. Now, boundaries with in-laws may include clarifying decision-making authority. You and your spouse are making the call, not them. Two, protecting your home from constant interference or criticism. Sometimes in-laws, they just or or your own family, they just can criticize everything. And it's not so much criticism, it can even become cynicism or put downs, and they begin to interfere and disrupt the peace and the joy of your home. Just always bringing it down and bringing it into drama. Get that stuff out of there. Do it loving, but you gotta get that out of there, out of the relationship. Purge it. And come to an agreement on how you'll operate. Another one, say no to manipulation or guilt tactics. If you say, Mom, dad, look, if you use manipulation or you guilt trip, we're not gonna have this conversation. I love you, but we're not doing it. If you want to have a normal conversation that doesn't involve manipulation or guilt trips, I love it. Let's talk. Let's go back and forth and let's let's weigh this. But I'm not gonna sit here and succumb to manipulation or do the guilt trip thing. We're adults. Come on. Another one, limiting topics or visits if they become harmful. Sometimes our in-laws or our family members can always drag things into gossip, uh, slander, drama, maybe the same old conflict or old situation, or you always and you never. Oh, here we go again. Look, you might need to say, we're not gonna talk about this. If you want to have fellowship, we are not going to talk about that every Thanksgiving. It can't happen, or we ain't coming. Key point here, remember that firm doesn't have to be harsh. Speak the truth in love, but and your family's gonna feel unloved at times because you say things that are hard, or sometimes people say, Oh, that's so harsh. You're being so mean because you said something that's true. I had an old mentor who used to say, How do you know which dog you hit? The one that yelps the loudest. Look, you're gonna say some stuff, it's gonna frustrate them, they're gonna react, and you kind of know you've like you've poked something, but you're not being harsh if you're being truthful. You just watch your tone and try to use gracious words, but communicate the truth. Also, keep perspective. Family is family. I want to encourage you in this. One day they will be gone. And I'm not going back on everything I just said and now saying, but with all that said, do whatever they say. But try to enjoy them, okay? They're not the ultimate source of joy. Don't let them be an idol. But man, life is short. One day you will bury father and mother. One day you won't see your sister or your brother anymore. Yeah, family is important. So cherish them, but also make sure you remember your first calling and your first ministry is that marriage and that family in your home. Paul Tripp wrote this in his parenting book about gospel principles that can radically change your family. Boundaries are not signs of selfishness, but signs of wisdom. They are a way of recognizing that all our relationships must be shaped by our ultimate allegiance to Christ. It's good stuff. All right, next question. Number five. How do you respond to unsolicited relationship advice coming from siblings? Hey, by knowing that you're normal, uh, try to be gracious. Remember, they don't actually control your decisions, they just say stuff. Brothers and sisters do that. And what usually gets pricked is our pride because we don't like them telling us what to do or meddling in our business, which we can kindly express. I don't really need your opinion on that. I love you. Thanks, but no thanks. But here's the deal: you got to remember, people's opinions don't control your decisions. Can it be a little frustrating or a little annoying or be a cause for breaking fellowship for a while because it's too much and they don't respect your boundaries? Of course. But you and your spouse control the decisions. The challenge is unsolicited. So be humble, take it with a grain of salt, and then address it if it's not appropriate. And if they keep it up, well, take the addressing it part a little further and tell them you got to put in some boundaries and just to stop bringing it up. Next question: how to resolve issues where spouses disagree on big things like moving out of state. Man, this is a huge one. Now, I address it in my book on God's Will. The book is called Walking in God's Will. And so my thought is if you have that book already, just hit pause or think of this later and go to Fundamentals for Every Fork in the Road. It's a chapter in the book. If you want to buy the book, you can. But if you want it for free, this that chapter, that teaching, uh, there's a whole video on it at For the Gospels YouTube channel. And so it's the ways to make really wise decisions, and you'll find that there's one about peace, and we think through objective and subjective peace. But let me just give you an off-the-cuff kind of summary here. And it's really a roadmap for spousal disagreement, very specific on this in God's will. Seek unity, not victory. Okay. In marriage, God's will is gonna often be revealed through unity, unity in the truth, not one person winning. The goal isn't to win the argument over your spouse. So you get him to move where you want, or you get her to finally submit, and you just twist her arm into it. Ephesians 5 calls both husband and wife to mutual submission in verse 21. So that's a husband lovingly leading his wife and the wife respectfully supporting. And then if there's a major divide, look, I'm of the mind that that is God's signal to wait and not rush, to discuss and not destroy or divide. That's not the goal. We want to discuss it. You don't just drive ahead and say, well, get on the bus or get you'll be under it. These are invitations from God. Maybe he wants us to think about our pride, our sin, our motives. Maybe he wants us to grow closer through conflict as we come to an agreement. There's so many reasons in his infinite wisdom and providence that he's gonna work through those things. So don't just rush into it and rush the process. Enjoy the process. God's gonna use it. But God never leads us to disregard the people he's called us to love and lead. So, husbands, if your wife is having a hard time, God is inviting you into a shepherding opportunity where your leadership ability is getting put to the test. Can you be patient? Can you prove? Can you press? Can you walk with her and then lead her to the decision? Next, practice biblical decision making. There's some steps here. Pray earnestly, assert scripture diligently, seek wise counsel prudently, and examine motives regularly, and then wait on the Lord faithfully. If you're not doing those things, no doubt you and your spouse aren't going to agree, especially if you're spirit-filled believers. God has wired you to make decisions in a prudent biblical way. So if you're unsettled, if there's unrest, that is a positive thing. And it's God inputting a providential pause in the decision-making process. So James 1.5 tells us, ask for wisdom. So do that. And then talk, think through it, have a process, and then make a biblical decision. Another one, prioritize your character over your circumstances. When we're in conflict over a decision with our spouse, we got to recognize God's will is more about who we are than where we are. I want to say that again. God's will is more about who we are than where we are. We get so fixated on geography. Meanwhile, in the midst of disagreement, we're acting ungodly and we're not prioritizing character over circumstance. So if you're at an impasse with a decision, let's think about how can we glorify Christ in the midst of this? How can we have love, patience, humility, and care for it? And how can we look at our motives in a way that is advised and directed by Scripture and then come to an agreement? The goal isn't to win what you want. That ends up in a win-lose situation where you win, guys, she loses, or you win, ladies, and the guys lose. You're looking for that win-win. Another one, get counsel and stay surrendered. As you go through these kind of processes, you don't make these decisions in isolation. You gotta surrender your will to God's will. And you gotta reach out to spiritually mature believers, you gotta reach out to your church leaders, your pastors, your elders, and surrender preference and opinion and attitude and pride and ego and trust the Lord's timing and his peace in the matter. The bottom line is when a couple disagrees on a life-altering choice like moving, the priority should not be resolve it quickly, let's go, follow me. I'm the leader. If you're the guy, you need to submit to me. Enough of this, stop complaining about it, stop this, stop. No, but resolving it biblically and together. If you're a wife, the goal isn't to drive him nuts until he does what you want and nag and complain and say, Well, you just don't want me to be happy, and you this and I and you never that, and I've always this, and they get this, and her husband would do that, and uh, oh, bad idea. Comparison is the thief of joy, it's the thief of unity in marriage as well. Until there's unity, continue to pray, serve one another, and trust that God will lead in his time. If anything, if there's conflict in a marriage over a major decision, it is absolutely God's will that you pause, that you pray, and you come together to make a peaceful decision. And maybe, just maybe, putting that decision on hold because there was no unity was God's greatest gift to you, and you didn't go and make a mistake. And in his timing, maybe you do make the decision another time, but now you're who he wants you to be when he takes you to the place where he's called you. Unity is often, not always, but often, the clearest indicator of God's will in marriage. Okay, those were huge questions. I hope those helped. I wanted to give you, you know, steps and and practical thoughts and things in there for the in-laws, for boundaries, for the move, with the narcissism and the gaslighting and the challenges and all of it. So I hope those are helpful keys. Next time, we're gonna get into divorce, send money like family life balance. How do you work, guys, and provide at the same time being a present husband? How do you navigate dicey conversations about money in marriage? Somebody asked, should we have joint checking accounts? And there are a few other nukes in that episode. So I'm really excited. It's been an awesome series. We'll land the plane next time, but wow, God is working in marriages. Thank you for your feedback. Keep sending the DMs, uh, keep making the comments, and keep letting us know how this series has been a blessing to you. And we'll keep it going. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching, thanks for your support. If the podcast had been a blessing to you, I'd encourage you to leave a review on Apple. Let other people know how these resources can strengthen them too. And don't forget to subscribe on our YouTube channel. You'll get these videos and more every single week directly to your inbox. I'll be back next episode is on Monday. Keep on living for the gospel.