People-Pleasing & Toxic Selflessness

When is serving others and self-sacrifice no longer healthy? Lady Grey shares her thoughts on toxic selflessness and the chronic people-pleasing prevalent in society today. Learn some strategies to improve your boundaries, communication, and self-love so you can better balance your own needs with your compassion and giving and avoid burnout and resentment.
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BIO
Lady Grey is an award-winning international entertainer and educator. She has been at the helm of numerous performing arts organizations and has performed everywhere from Broadway to the Sydney Olympics. She currently serves as Artistic Director of Lady Grey's Lovelies and leads international sell-out retreats for women (Outrageous Adventures for Outrageous Women).

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Transcript

0:09

Hello, you're lovely humans. Welcome to the live outrageously with Lady gray Podcast. I am your hostess, Lady gray. And we're here to talk about living outside the box, breaking down barriers, thinking differently and making a bigger impact on the world. If you would like to be part of a group of other outrageous human beings, please feel free to join the League of outrageous women on Facebook, a group of over 500 women from all around the world, or find us on clubhouse every Thursday for coffee talk, and every Sunday for Girl Talk with Lady gray. I would really love to connect with you and get to know you better. So I hope that you'll join us. Well, welcome back to season two of live outrageously. I'm so glad that you're here. And I thought I would just take a quick second. And thank everybody for all of the feedback after our first season, you asked for more solo shows. And so this season will be more of a mix of solo episodes, and interview shows with guests, I want to really laser focus on helping you become a world changer. So I have a great show for you. Today we are talking about the myth of toxic selflessness and people pleasing. One thing that I see a lot of time and time again is toxic selflessness when we put other people's needs before our own without getting anything in return from it. And it's not just harmful for us, but also for the people around us that are taking advantage of our good nature. Later on in the program, we will take a little brain break. And I'll share some of my favorite things with you, including some of the spectacular events that are happening as Broadway opens back up. And I hope you'll stick around because later on in the program, I'm going to share with you five tips for shaking up the status quo and having a more fulfilling life. So stick around to the end of the program for that. And I think we'll close today out with a little dance party. Today we're talking about people pleasing and toxic selflessness. A recent study found that over giving is becoming more common, people are taking on way too much responsibility. And they're finding that they're not able to say no when they need to because of the guilt associated with it. This can lead to toxic selflessness and people pleasing behaviors, which can be harmful in the long run. selflessness and self sacrifice has been made overly noble in our society. So much so that people often consider it their highest goal. And they end up completely losing sight of their life purpose, and even their destiny when caring for other people. Please don't misunderstand service and giving to other people at its root is a beautiful thing. And it's important. I shaped my entire life around helping other people and have been at the helm of many, many organizations that ministered to people and helped the poor and reached out to single moms and the elderly and prison ministries and all kinds of different projects. So at its root again, giving and kindness and charity and goodness are all healthy behaviors. It's when they take a turn and become unhealthy because they have a codependent nature that we have to start looking at whether or not they've become toxic. And today we're taking a honest look at our lives, and how we've interacted with society and the other people around us, and how that has shaped our own relationship to selflessness. So I'm here to say that it's time that we all wake up from the great self sacrifice deception. We have been taught that self sacrifice is basically the opposite of selfishness. And in fact, it's touted as this virtue. So I want you to think about the mama who has given up her dreams to care for her kids and make room for her husband's career. Or your business colleague who doesn't know how to say no to their boss and works countless hours and is burning the candle at both ends, or the overextend. volunteers at any religious or educational organization you can think of 1% of the group does 99% of the work. Or maybe this one sounds familiar to you. So a friend pings you because they need help. And you say to yourself, okay, this is the last time and then they're going to have to figure something else out. So all of this sounds very familiar probably. Why? Why is there this ridiculous fear among us that if we speak up, or we don't serve, that we won't be liked, or approved of or accepted? And why is this idea that if we give more of ourselves in humility, and self sacrifice will be seen as, quote better? And why do we find ourselves so afraid of inconveniencing somebody with our desires, but we have no problem, inconveniencing ourselves and sacrificing our own needs. So what truly is people pleasing? This sort of disease to please and the myth of toxic selflessness started, probably in childhood with you wanting and needing to please, your parents, your teachers, your dentist, the cool kids on the playground. And from a young age we learn that pleasing other people is a good thing. teenagers who act rebelliously get social rejection adults, oh my gosh, we smile at everybody. We answer every email, we return every phone call, we go to every work related meeting, and we prioritize other people's needs before our own. And slowly over time, it turns into this disease to please just about everyone in your universe, whether that's your partner, or your kids, or your demanding boss, your self righteous relatives, codependent friends, the church, ladies, the town gossip, doesn't matter who the list is long and distinguished. And this tendency to constantly prioritize other people's needs, leads to toxic behavior. So rather than having time to check in on ourselves, we are always responding to other people's needs. And perhaps a little bit of that is forgivable, right? But when we become so focused on other people that we neglect our own needs, we become burnout, and then we're resentful, and unhappy and often depressed. So before you sort of dismiss this entire idea, with a, oh, people pleasing couldn't possibly apply to me, I'm healthy and confident, and my motivation is good and pure. Let's talk about what it really means to be humble, versus being secretly self obsessed, right? We live in a world where we attach our identity to what we do, and how many likes we get for it. So to be dependent, on other people's approval, is to be ego driven, not selfless. And whether you realize it or not, your attempts to do more and be more and give more and teach more and work more in love more. Those can all become subconscious attempts to manipulate people into liking you more. And all of that is driven by fear, probably through some little voice inside your head that convinces you that it's a good idea to make another human or a group of people. Your ultimate approval or disapproval machine, your God your source. So you know what that is, that is the sound of our brain break. We were getting a little heavy there. While we are changing the world and living more outrageously, we really need to have fun doing it. So today I am going to tell you about my favorite shows on the New York theater scene that I've recently seen. I cannot cannot express enough how much I love the musical six. I highly encourage you to see if we can get tickets. The other one that I highly recommend is Hades town, probably the best show that I have seen in many, many moons and it is well worth going to see the original cast. My personal favorite is Patrick Paige who played Hades and he is currently not performing with them but we'll be back in November. And last but certainly not least, I also want to recommend the sexy and very, very fun company 14. They are going to be putting on their Nutcracker rouge soon. And it is definitely an event you do not want to miss. So you have a few ideas for where That you can maybe celebrate the holidays in New York. And this is no endorsement other than just a personal one because I absolutely love theater and want to share that gift with you. And speaking of travel and fabulous places, here is a little bit about one of my favorite places on earth. Imagine breathing in the romance of the city of lights with a small group of fellow goddesses on the same journey of feminine exploration, and embracing who you are as outrageous women. Join me in the City of Light for lady Gray's outrageous Paris retreat. For more information, please visit Paris dot live outrageously.com. So now let's get back to talking about people pleasing. And remember to stick around for my five tips about how to shake up the status quo. people pleasers are often people pleasers, because they don't think that they're worthy. And one of the most painful things I've heard from people pleasers that I work with is they'll say things like I don't even know what I want. Or what if I actually find out that my dreams aren't attainable. And the truth is only you know what's best for you. But no one will ever see your truest potential. If you're always putting other people first. Life is tough. We all have big ideas for ourselves, for our families, and our businesses. But far too often, they just get put aside so we can get other people's stuff done. Instead, it's a tricky situation. You want to help the people in your life and you certainly want them to like you. But when you're trying to serve people too much, you end up giving your life away. And when we always prioritize people's expectations, at the expense of our own needs, we sacrifice our vitality, and we reduce the quality of our lives. If you truly want to make your world better, you start by taking care of yourself. Now more than ever, self care, which is front of mind for everyone, because of the pandemic is important to our emotional well being, being kind to yourself, maybe the only way to prevent burnout or depression because no one can make you happy if you don't make yourself happy. So I'm not asking you to give up doing things for other people, right, especially if that makes you happy, go for it. I'm just saying every once in a while, slow down and choose yourself. For many of the women that I coach who are more likely to be in professions that require more giving than taking service has become toxic for a lot of them, giving too much and devoting too much energy, whether that's to your career or your partner's, your social network, your hobbies, your causes, causes that may not even be your own. It's a fast track to burnout. And listen, you've been doing more than your fair share of the work you've been trying to make sure everybody's taken care of. But you've got to start looking out for yourself. So start by, you know, learning how to set boundaries for what you will and won't do. Even if you feel you know, mean, well. People think that being nice is the way to everyone's heart. But it's actually kind of harmful. It puts you in this position of not saying what you really want to say and it makes you seem like you don't have boundaries and forces you to make everyone happy except yourself. start saying no to people. That seems pretty basic. It's not easy to do. So I suggest having alternatives in place before you say no. And remember that you're not being selfish by saying no. Stop always putting other people before yourself, secure your oxygen mask first. The other key takeaway here is to do what you enjoy. Right? We've been conditioned to think that we have to put other people before ourselves in order to be successful. But what if you took the opposite approach? What if you gave yourself permission to make self care your top priority? You know what if you chose to pursue whatever made you happy and relentlessly without apologizing for it. You know, making yourself a priority can be tough, but giving yourself permission to do what you love is tough too. I think most people are worried about what other people will think of them if they pursue something that isn't expected of them. I'm not saying this is the right decision for everybody but by By being your own number one fan, you can find happiness within yourself. When we serve others, at the expense of our own identity and our wellness, we are serving our ego. When we serve our ego, we're serving our shadow. And when we serve our shadow, we quickly turned toxic, and we buy into the deception of self sacrifice, being the most noble of virtues at the expense of anything and everything else. being kind to others is not something that should be done only occasionally, right? We should have kindness in our hearts for everyone. However, that doesn't mean you should abandon yourself. You're here, because you want to change the world. You're here. Because deep in your heart, you know that you can reclaim your energy. Reclaim Your power, realize your dreams and step into your greatness. Serving generously. And exercising kindness should not require forgetting who you are, and what makes you happy. So each week, I like to leave you with some tips, some practical things that you can put into action in your own life, to really begin to live more outrageously. So today, we're going to talk about five things that you can do to challenge the status quo, and live a more fulfilled life. The first one is quit doing what everybody else is doing. People have all kinds of jobs, and they're involved in all kinds of activities, and not all of those are right for you. So by focusing less on what everybody else does, and more on what you want, you're going to feel much happier. My second suggestion is to stand out more, wouldn't you rather take a chance on being seen for who you are in all of your magnificent eccentric glory. The beautiful thing about letting go of the idea of fitting in as you no longer are stuck as a follower. It is a lot more fun being a trendsetter anyway, a third way to shake up the status quo is to quit thinking that you can buy your way to happiness or earn your way to happiness. When we're not happy. We start burying ourselves in stuff and activities, thinking this will somehow make up for it. The harsh truth, all the new TVs, fancy cars, exotic vacations, and toxic selflessness is never going to make you feel any more fulfilled. Doing what you hate to get ahead is always going to be a soul suck. And fourth, you probably need to start trusting yourself more. You don't need everybody else to tell you what to do. You already have pretty solid instincts. So do what feels right, honor your moral code, and you can find you're a lot happier for it. And then lastly, take more chances. playing it safe is one of the most significant ways we lock ourselves into the status quo. And unfortunately, this is how you also keep from bettering yourself. So if you want your life to change, you're going to have to take a chance on doing something different. That was awesome today. Thanks everybody for joining me. Let's make a difference. Let's change the world together. Let's live more outrageously. please get in touch with me email me visit WWW dot live outrageously.com to subscribe so you don't miss any of our future episodes. And now because I absolutely love my new background music. We're gonna dance it out. Go be outrageous, you lovely humans. Dance it out.