Kate Dethmer - Above The Line Leadership (Part 2)

You can white-knuckle your way into the next quarter and still feel strangely heavy, foggy, and tired. That’s the problem we unpack with leadership coach and somatic therapist Kate Dethmer from the Conscious Leadership Group: when we don’t complete what didn’t happen, we carry it forward as unfinished emotional residue. And that residue quietly shapes how we lead, how we relate, and how much energy we actually have access to each day.

• Click HERE to read Kate's blog post
• Click HERE for Kate's LinkedIn profile
• Click HERE for a copy of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership

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Transcript

Part Two Setup And Sponsor

Speaker 2 0:09

Hey, welcome back to part two of my discussion with Kate Dethmer. Let's dig in.

Announcer 0:19

The Bosshole Chronicles are brought to you by Real Good Ventures, the talent optimization firm helping organizations diagnose their most critical people and execution issues with world-class analytics. Make sure to check out all the resources in the show notes and be sure to follow us and share your feedback. Enjoy today's episode.

Sara Best 0:41

I want to reflect on a piece that you wrote at the end of 2025 that really profoundly impacted me. And I just want to highlight that uh in your experience in there. Before we do that, I think it'd be helpful for our listeners. We can share that to become more aware of the 15 commitments of conscious leadership, to begin to study this work. You can certainly read the book. You can go to the conscious leadership group website. You can participate in an introduction. Those are accessible through the website. There's a link. You can sign up. They're like four weeks. Can you say more about other ways that people can have access to a conscious leadership group?

Ways To Learn Conscious Leadership

Kate Dethmer 1:24

Yeah. So the the book is the primary way that people get to us. Uh it's about to be re-released, which is exciting. So a new cover and not uh not any new content, but um the authors are writing a second book, and so the publishers uh are re-releasing it this fall, which we're excited about. Um we've all been on lots of podcasts. So if people like podcasts like this, then they can uh look up the authors um and all the team podcasts. I think that's a nice way to digest some of the material. Um and then yeah, one-to-one coaching, our four-week course. We have intensives called Full Aliveness Intensive, uh, that people can um do a little deeper dive over the course of four days. And then our year-long forums are sort of the biggest uh bite of the apple that people can take individually. And then, of course, we do a lot of work in in teams and organizations supporting them uh around consciousness. Yeah.

Sara Best 2:19

And I'd have to say my roadmap, uh, the the path I followed with an introduction and then um one-to-one coaching, which I was like, oh, I'm gonna do this for six sessions and we're at like 18 or more, uh six like year, year or so. Uh it it has been so powerful. So the one-to-one coaching, having an expert guide, someone who asks the the most interesting and powerful questions, and the forum. Um, oh, actually, I didn't want to skip over full aliveness uh experience, which was formerly called Integrity Bootcamp. Yeah. I just want to acknowledge that and name that because I participated in it. It's the four-day experience. Transformational. Oh gosh. I I just have energy rising and and I feel such creative, joyful energy as I reflect back on what got peeled away in my experience there. And what a great foundation that created then for I'm currently participating in the forum. Yeah. So we'll have all of this information for people in the show notes. And they just may want to reach out and have an exploratory conversation with you, especially if they feel that there's an opportunity to support their leaders or their teams. Absolutely. So, Kate, you wrote a powerful reflection as as you often do, and members of the team do at CLG.

The Cost Of Pushing Through

Sara Best 3:44

And this one came in December of 2025, and it was called Push Through, November, sorry, uh, push through. And oh my gosh, it very much touched my heart and represented for me some very, very powerful things. So I had a couple of questions for you. What prompted you to write that, by the way, if you could just start there?

Kate Dethmer 4:07

Yeah, well, we have a newsletter, it's been going for a decade, and we're always just looking out for what are themes or trends that we're sensing with our clients. And, you know, is there some personal application that we can speak to uh as a sort of um uh representation of it? So this was something that I was noticing with clients was people were having a difficult time moving on to what was next because they haven't fully grieved the loss of what didn't occur. And then I have an example in my own life about that. So it just felt like I don't know if you feel this way, Sarah, but sometimes when I'm writing something or creating a presentation, it's a little bit like a through me experience. It's not, it's kind of like this is just coming out of me. And they're like, I don't really know where it came from, but and that was the experience of this article.

Sara Best 4:58

Oh gosh. And that explains why it was so incredibly powerful. Uh, you can't create what's next while you're still gripping what's gone, is one of the things you said. Unfinished emotional residue, uh, how you end the year or how you end this chapter, whatever it might be, will define how you start next. And I think what really profoundly struck me is oh my gosh, how unaware have I been that there are things that I expected or hoped would happen, or just counted on would happen and didn't, and never even acknowledged that they didn't and what that cost me. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm feeling I'm feeling the emotion now. Just reflecting on your story. Can you share a little bit with

Infertility, Surrender, And Next Chapters

Sara Best 5:47

us?

Kate Dethmer 5:47

We all have kind of the the story that feels a little bit maybe defining of our lives, some heartbreak or um something that sort of cracked us open. And my story of that is a story of infertility and being uh really, I thought, really wanting to have children of my own and um spent about a decade in my 30s doing all the different medical treatments and uh really hoping that that would occur, and it just didn't. And I was really heartbroken about it and um kind of got to the end of the last IBF cycle we committed to doing and didn't happen, and it was like I really it got sent into sort of a period of just sadness, letting go, surrendering. This was, I thought this was the vision that I had for my life, and it is apparently not what's happening. And so I let myself really uh grieve and let go. And this happens with people around businesses, startups that they thought were gonna be something, or you know, they take on a new project and it I really have a vision for how it's gonna be and it's not occurring, or um, a new employee that we really hoped would be the answer to this problem and it's not happening. And so my experience was I had to fully let go of the vision that I had for my life with children of my own before I could step into what would be the next chapter of my life without children and uh what I had to do in this life. Um it was gonna look a lot different. Yeah. Wow.

Sara Best 7:20

You write in the article about how the body holds emotion, which we know is energy in motion, it's sensations in the body. Uh, knowing that we live in a world where we've just been so acclimated to not attune to that and and to be disconnected from that. How do these kind of experiences stay with us if not felt and experienced and grieved and moved on from in a healthy

How Unfelt Emotion Stays In Us

Sara Best 7:50

way?

Kate Dethmer 7:51

Yeah, I mean, of course I'm biased as a somatic therapist that the experiences of being human linger longer in our bodies than um maybe we've previously been willing to acknowledge. And I can process it intellectually through various means, but if I don't really let the body move that energy all the way through, through expression, through emotion, through dance, through sound, whatever this body wants to do, uh, it gets stuck. And in the somatic therapy world, sometimes that stuckness can look like chronic pain or kind of uh medical community community saying, we don't have a diagnosis for this and we're not quite sure what it is. Uh our experiences that the body is just holding on. And so it's first of all being willing to say, I have a body and it's feeling things, and I'm willing to feel it. Because I think a lot of our neuroses and compulsive behavior, at least mine, are about not wanting to feel certain sensations. So can I acknowledge I'm feeling? Can I feel them? And can I give the body space to let it go?

Sara Best 8:55

Yeah.

Kate Dethmer 8:56

Otherwise, it's kind of impacting the next season of my life.

Sara Best 9:01

Yeah. And for me, the neuroses is, you know, getting up and down from my desk 18 times in the morning, walking to the kitchen, scrolling on my phone, clicking buy this. All now I better understand in an effort to move away from that discomfort and in most cases sadness and loss. So you have a prescription, like a little set of steps that we can follow. Um, maybe before you say that and tell us about that. I would imagine it's helpful for the listeners to know what does it take to actually feel a feeling to move it in and through and out of your body.

Kate Dethmer 9:42

Yeah, well, I think the biggest thing that it takes is a willingness to do it.

Sara Best 9:48

Yeah.

Kate Dethmer 9:49

You know, I work with enough people who uh once they get willing and are open to feeling and expressing, it's actually pretty intuitive. And it's like we, as little children and even like the animals in our lives, they do it so naturally. And we are grown-up adults and we forget. And at some point along the way, we decide I'm not gonna feel. So I think the biggest step is I'm gonna in the comfort or safety of with a coach or

Willingness And A Somatic Example

Kate Dethmer 10:16

on my own, I'm gonna let myself feel. And that's a big step. And then it's just noticing what are the actual sensations that are occurring in my body, in and on my body. Like right before we got on this call, I um my partner Seth got home from the gym and I asked him how is the gym. And he said, Oh, I got into kind of a fight with our trainer. We go to the same gym. I didn't go this morning. And um, but he got he's like, I got kind of tense with her because she said that all of a sudden there are no headphones gym. And he loves listening to podcasts in his one headphone. And um I got scared. It's such a little thing, but I just noticed like a little electricity up the back of my neck, a little kind of constriction in my throat, some tensing in my belly. Uh, I got scared of the approval of the trainer. Like, what did he say? What, you know, I care about these relationships. I got scared about the security of I I love going to the gym with Seth. I love the experience of getting to have that shared connection. Um, and I wanted to control it. So I just slowed down and it was like I said to him, I just notice electricity in my neck. I feel some swirling, I feel a little clenching. I just shared what was happening in my body. Instead of going into you shouldn't have yelled at the trainer. Of course, they you they don't want you having headphones, they're trying to train you. You know, I I could have gone into some sort of uh fight about it. Yeah. Versus just, I'm just to acknowledge I got a little scared here. And these are the sensations in my body, and I'm gonna let them move through. So I came up here. This was about 15 minutes before we started. Yeah, I turn turned on some music, I just kind of danced my body around a little bit to move that energy through.

unknown 12:02

Yeah.

Kate Dethmer 12:03

And it's not all the way gone, but it's been acknowledged and then felt. Yeah. The hope is that it's not lingering as long in my body because of that. And this is just like, you know, such headphones at the gym and the train are such a small thing. But this is what our experience of being human is all day long.

Sara Best 12:23

That is such a beautiful example. I appreciate that you said it's not all the way gone, but you gave it space, you moved with it. I know that I learned in my experiences so far with you and with the conscious leadership stuff that I can match the feeling with a sound or a movement. And and you're right, the more you do it, the more natural it seems. Like sometimes it's just jumping up and down or stomping my feet. Sometimes it's, you know, uh, like just shaking out this sense of maybe panic or fear that's there. Sometimes it's crying. I'm reflecting that yesterday when we had our coaching session, Kate, I I told you all the things I had written down. And some of what I wrote down were answers to the willingness questions. So when we find ourselves below the line, we've identified where we are. Can you accept yourself for being there? There's a helpful set of questions, and they were all yeses. Like, yes, I'm willing to feel my feelings, but I haven't done it yet. I remember telling you that, like, I'm gonna make time to do that later. And I actually didn't, but it it happened quite naturally. I was on my way home, once again from pickleball, and I just felt sad and disappointed and maybe a little bit of shame. And I cried on the way home, and it was healing. It was helpful. There was a fuzziness that was there in my head before, and a fogginess, and it was gone.

unknown 13:48

Yeah.

Sara Best 13:49

Uh, and and the heaviness I was feeling was lifted. Some may say I was crying about how I played in pickleball, but that's a whole nother story. You wouldn't be the first. Such a humbling sport.

Naming What Did Not Happen

unknown 14:01

Yeah.

Sara Best 14:01

Well, as as we kind of move into the home stretch, in your push-through writing, Kate, you shared a practice for completion. And at the time it was the end of the year. But what I noticed is this is a practice for completion that can be used anytime. And the first step you identify is to name what didn't happen.

Kate Dethmer 14:21

It's like, what is the thing that I'm letting go of? What is the vision that I thought that is apparently not going to happen? And really honoring that it's it's not happening instead of just holding on to the hope that it might. I'm gonna say, at least for now, this is complete.

Sara Best 14:39

I could just reflect personally, like I felt a little contraction when you said that in my chest. Um, like I thought I would be here. I thought I would be behaving differently. I thought I would have advanced more, like that might be an example. Or uh I thought my bank account would be this much, or I thought my relationships would be different than they are. Um, you gave some great examples earlier too. So name what didn't happen. And this would require a little bit of reflection. Like, could you sit sit down or take a walk and just see what's there? Um, the next step you name is teach the class. You want to talk on that one for a minute?

Teach The Class And Own Your Part

Kate Dethmer 15:16

Uh yeah. So this is one of our most used tools. So we say, you know, you think about it at the end of the year, uh, all of us are kind of thinking about, okay, what are my new year's resolutions going to be in the new year? But if we don't acknowledge the uh dreams that we had in the past year that didn't occur and how we contributed to them not occurring, this is teach the class. Like if I were to say, you know, I wanted to grow my business um 3x this year and it didn't happen, then I need to take an honest look in the mirror at what did I do to contribute to it not happening.

Sara Best 15:51

Yes.

Kate Dethmer 15:52

And own that. And this is the teach the class exercise. And really acknowledge it and not blaming other people. They didn't do this or, you know, manufacturing dropped the ball or whatever. It's just what is my part in that before I start to get about dreaming about what's next. Because if I don't get clear on that, I'm gonna unconsciously pull through the parts of it that I contributed to it not happening last year into this year. Honest facing.

Sara Best 16:18

Yeah. Well, I'm thinking of several classes I've taught, PhD level classes I've taught. It is a powerful tool. Uh, most recently teaching a class on how to um have another person in the work that I do show up as resistant and frustrating and incomplete. So I taught a class on how I made that happen. And it's meant to be uh it's meant to create levity and and to bring some silliness to the whole thing. Yeah. Uh it's a very powerful tool. So we teach the class, take 100% responsibility. That's the next step. It says lifelong patterns, the payoffs, those kind of things.

Kate Dethmer 17:02

Yeah, the 100% responsibility process is sort of a plumbing of the unconscious. It's a series of repeated questions that you ask about the issue. So again, if if I wanted to grow my company 3x, it didn't happen. I'm in the process of letting go of that. Questions that we ask are from the past, this issue reminds me of, ask that a few times. Yeah, I keep this issue going by, ask that a few times. What I get from keeping this issue going is. And then the last one is the lifelong pattern I'm noticing is. And again, each one of those prompts is set a couple of times. So you're sort of getting aware of, oh, this is not the first time I've been here. And what can I learn from this pattern around uh not uh coming to the end of something that I set a goal to do?

Sara Best 17:56

Yeah.

Kate Dethmer 17:56

Uh that's the awareness about okay, I might then get a learning that will support me in my next goal or vision.

Sara Best 18:05

Which is powerful. I can imagine that it makes sense to people as they're listening. This is something that would be helpful to do with a coach, like to have a supportive presence or to be a part of a group uh as you do this. So that's my plug for getting support. And then

Feel It Fully And Ritualize Release

Sara Best 18:22

feel it fully. So there's two more steps. The fourth one is feel it fully, let energy move through and out of the body, cry, shake, writhe, breathe, roll on the floor, whatever is necessary.

Kate Dethmer 18:35

It's just as simple as slowing down, tuning into the body, and we say, matching whatever the inner experience is with some sort of outer expression. And again, the kids in our lives do this so instinctively, and we learn somewhere along the way not to do it. But it's if it's anger, like pounding a pillow on the bed. If it's sadness, it's like kind of slumping around and sort of letting the body just be a little deflated. If it's tear, maybe some trembling, shaking. Uh, but it's so beautiful because I've worked with hundreds of clients around this, and the body just knows it, just was what it does if they're willing. So uh giving yourself space and time to do that. I'm a big fan of having playlists for each of the different emotions. Yes, getting play and then just letting the body match whatever um sound movement, uh, especially with uh the the music play.

Sara Best 19:30

I'm struck with the image too of the little ones, uh little children, little babies. They just blurt out the scream or they cry uncontrollably, and then of course they stop immediately when the need is met. It's so natural. So it's it's affirming to know that our body knows what to do. And the last step, Kate, you identify as ritualize the release. In your case, it was choose a song and dance. Uh, say more about what we mean by ritualize the release.

Kate Dethmer 19:57

Yeah, there's something I think about ritual that maybe we've lost a bit in our modern times. And what does it mean to like, okay, I'm gonna honor, I'm gonna light a candle and I'm gonna blow it out. I'm gonna journal out and then, you know, put that paper away somewhere, or I'm gonna just honor the completion of it and coming to a place of not just in my mind, but in some sort of physical embodiment exercise of letting go of surrender. And I always like surrendering to the elements of the earth.

Sara Best 20:29

And how important it is to to move on from that, create closure for that. So there's the new launch pad, which then isn't tied to the past experiences, doesn't pull that thread all the way through that you talked about. Yeah. I'm I'm reminded too, as uh as we wrap up here about the energy. You know, this this work is all about full expression, full aliveness, uh, full access to your energy. Could you say a little bit about uh I think the example you gave me once is is like holding a beach ball underwater. If you've ever been in a pool and you're required to hold the beach ball underwater, it's exhausting and challenging. How many of us are doing that, like figuratively? The energy is just leaking out and it's costing us.

Kate Dethmer 21:18

Yeah, we say emotions, uh, if we're if we're not really willing to express them or feel them, it is like holding beach balls underwater. And that takes a lot of energy. And I think you're on to sort of our primary intention with the conscious leadership group is to support our clients in accessing all of the life force, all of the energy, all of the creativity that they have to give, to give their unique gift to the world and getting clear about where are the places where I'm leaking energy, where I'm not really having access to all of my full potential. And how do I get clear on those, whether it's emotion, whether it's a practice of candor, whether it's getting clear about agreements or owning my part in the co-creation of what's unfolding. So those are the six of the 15, the four pillars of integrity. And uh yeah. So it's it's about how do we get clear on our energy and be here to do what we're here

Energy Leaks, Context Coaching, Goodbye

Kate Dethmer 22:14

to do.

Sara Best 22:15

There's so, so much more we could say. I'm struck with the idea too that uh for many of us, it's just so easy to focus on the stuff that's happening. In your terms, that's content. You know, we focus on who said what, what email was sent or not sent, you know, what how the process played out. And I think a lot of coaching in the world is around content and how to position yourself differently so the content is addressed. And this is very different. It's context coaching. The context is where you are above or below the line. So for people in our audience who are vibing with this and resonating with the idea that, yeah, I get it. Uh, it's about how I'm showing up and how present I am. Now they know they can reach out to you and to better understand and to utilize these principles in their life.

Kate Dethmer 23:07

A different way of being with life than most coaching modalities. And it's been so sweet to get to walk through this season with you, Sarah. And same here. Really make some big shifts around context in your life.

Sara Best 23:21

Well, Kate, uh, thank you for who you are and for what you've made available to our listeners today. We'll make sure that they have contact information. Easy to find you. And uh yeah, just grateful for this whole body of work, for the relationship you have with your dad, for the the man he is. I think people could go online and find YouTube videos, galore, uh, of your dad uh and Diana Chapman and others speaking about this. So for those who are interested in learning more, there are many avenues. Kate, thank you uh for being with me today and for being my coach and for helping full aliveness come forward. All right, friends, we'll see you next time on The Bosshole Chronicles. Until then, be well.

Announcer 24:07

Thanks very much for checking out this episode of The Bosshole Chronicles. It was so good to have you here. And if you have your own bosshole story that you want to share with the Bosshole Transformation Nation, just reach out. You can email us at my story at the bossholechronicles.com. Again, my story at the bossholechronicles.com. We'll see you next time.