Affair-Proof Your Relationship

Kim Sargent, Clinical Director of Canadian Family Health Counselling and Founder of Neural Network Therapy® explained that affairs are a form of addiction linked to dopamine depletion, often characterized by ADHD-like tendencies and a craving for emotional highs. Sargent offered strategies for balancing brain chemistry by consuming nutritional building blocks, limiting "cheap dopamine" sources like excessive phone use, and engaging instead in "clean dopamine" activities. Sargent concluded that reframing external interests and seeking appreciation are cues for internal well-being, emphasizing that addressing one's internal brain chemistry is key to preventing infidelity.

Emotional Health Matters Podcast with Clinical Director, Kim Sargent, founder of Neural Network Therapy®.

Learn more about Kim's counselling practice in Peterborough, ON and book an appointment at canadianfamilyhealth.ca. Neural Network Therapy® emerged in 1997, largely in response to advancements in neuroscience. We provide a practical and holistic approach to boost mood, reduce anxiety, manage anger, break unwanted habits and develop strong, healthy relationships. We believe that every form of counselling should be backed by science, so our approach is too!

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Transcript

Canadian Family Health: Hello and welcome back to Emotional Health Matters. My name is Kim Sergeant and I'm the clinical director of Canadian Family Health Counseling and founder of Neural Network Therapy. We're going to talk about a really hot topic and a really unfortunate topic today which is affairs. We hear an awful lot about affairs in our offices uh more and more as the years go on. We've been in practice for close I guess it's 29 years now and um in that time we've seen a dramatic rise in what's happening around infidelity. Um and we think that there's a really good reason for this. We can see that there's also a dramatic rise in addictions and these two things are connected for a reason. So affairs are not accidents but they are addictions. This is a really relevant part to looking to affair proof your relationship. Now let's set some expectations here. You're only one part of the equation. So, if you're one person in your relationship listening to this podcast, you've only got your ability to be able to input uh and create change and shift behaviors that will help to be able to fortify your relationship against such things.
 
 

00:01:43

 
Canadian Family Health: I think it's worthwhile having a conversation with your partner if you feel as though this is something that would be relevant for you both. But do the best that you can to do what is right in front of you to create that uh much safer place to be when it comes to infidelity. So a lot of people will talk about the idea that affairs their affair happened. It just happened. Those are the words that are oftenimes used. Now in my opinion I think that it takes a fair bit of effort for two people to put their bodies together and pull them apart and put them back together again repeatedly. So affairs um and now obviously I'm speaking about physical affairs and this podcast is really actually to address um emotional affairs as well but um but there's actually effort that has to go into this. You have to find a way to make contact. You have to be able to continue that contact in an ongoing fashion. Oftentimes you have to do this in secret.
 
 

00:02:34

 
Canadian Family Health: So you have to create space that was not normally in your relationship to be able to do this. creating time at the beginning or end of a day in in the workplace or um in any which way there's there's effort that goes into this. It's not an accident that happens. But what is and what can feel like an accident or out of control or in that just happened way of doing it is where we will look at the parallels between an addiction to a substance in the same way that we find an addiction to this emotional high of infidelity because that is indeed what it is. So, a brain that is depleted in dopamine um is something that you can see in a lot of ways. It might be uh more of an ADHD brain, somebody that goes from from thing to thing quite quickly, maybe not finishing tasks, always looking for the novelty, chasing that novel experience um and and wanting things to be fresh at all times. That might be a characteristic that lets you know that perhaps your brain is a little low on dopamine.
 
 

00:03:33

 
Canadian Family Health: Uh you might find that you're you're a deep scroller. you spend a lot of time on social media. You might have a challenge saying, "I'll just have one of anything." So, it could be a glass of wine, a cookie. Uh it could be um trying to pick up any kind of a game. Gambling would be an example. Um there are lots of exercise addicts out there. So despite the fact that exercise is one of the tools we'll use to balance chemistry, it certainly has its addictive edge where a brain low in dopamine can feel a little more vulnerable to getting hooked on specific exercises or sporting activities. But I want you to zoom out here and look at the idea that these relationships, these affairs feel very personal, as they should. It's a crushing experience to go through. And this is why when our practice is filled with people who are just in utter agony, both the person that's been found in the in the affair and also the person that has has has been has experienced the the breach of this trust.
 
 

00:04:30

 
Canadian Family Health: What we see is that there's a there's a common theme of I wasn't feeling very good and then this thing came about. And that's an important part of the equation. If we're looking to be able to proof our relationship from such things, then we need to know that feeling good is the top order of each and every day. And what does that mean exactly? I don't mean feel good like let's go get our nails done and make sure that we have bubble baths and do all the sweet self-care things which I think are all wonderful things. But I think that that's one very teenytiny narrow way of looking at what feel-good energy is all about. Feelgood energy is something where we feel deeply satisfied in quite common things. So, can we pick up a book and read a few chapters and feel really relaxed and at ease in our bodies, in our minds? We can let the world pass by without being too engaged in it. Can we pick up a phone and check a message on our social media or post something and then promptly forget that we actually even have social media for a few days or maybe a week and return to it later and and go, "Oh, right. Yes."
 
 

00:05:36

 
Canadian Family Health: And follow up on that particular piece. Um, can you sit down to a slice of cake and not the entire cake? So, what are the cues that you've got that says, "I've got a brain that's restless and incapable or seemingly incapable of being satisfied with much of anything." Those are the cues that tell you that that dopamine store, those reserves might be in short supply. And this is really key information. So, one of the things I want you to do is look at there are actually building blocks. There are there are nutritional building blocks that you can consume that will help your brain and body have the ability to construct dopamine. Those foods lists which we'll include um on our website canadianfamilyalth.ca. You can go and download a foods list. Those foods are things that you can that's a one step to being able to at least begin to consume these pieces that start to construct that chemistry all on their own. The next thing we can do is close some of our exits.
 
 

00:06:34

 
Canadian Family Health: So, where are the places in which we've got cheap dopamine tapping out? This is these are things like that scrolling like a mad person in the mornings or at night on our phone. In fact, I would encourage you to practice having one full day of having zero phone, shutting it off totally so that there's no access whatsoever. practicing habits like whether it's uh not tuning into your phone until you're out the door in the morning or turning it off um for sure for meal times at the end of a day. Uh definitely right before bed, we want to see that that's turned off. And what it means is that if you're flooding your your brain with dopamine by these instant interactions that you're having with other people, you're actually training your brain into that satisfaction, that blip of satisfaction, the little rush that it gets in the dopamine hit. Um, but because you actually haven't achieved anything except a response to your text message or uh a like on your post, what happens is the brain sort of falsifies this hit of dopamine.
 
 

00:07:34

 
Canadian Family Health: It gives you this little rush and you begin to go, "Oh, yeah, that feels really nice." And then you go back for more. And so as you go and you're lapping up this cheap dopamine, but there's nothing really to show for it. So you didn't go and tend to a garden and pull out some really great vegetables that you cooked up at home, which was satisfying in the way that you've created something. It's the long satisfaction if you want to look at that way. Or you've um worked steadily at the gym building muscle tone in your body. There's long satisfaction in this. Or you've created something, whether it's a song or a poem, you've written something. These are all ways in which we can actually earn clean dopamine is what we call it. So switching from cheap dopamine to clean dopamine is another way of doing it. And the last part of proofing your relationship for affairs is really an interesting one that I think is probably more difficult to launch in a relationship.
 
 

00:08:30

 
Canadian Family Health: So it's an awkward conversation to have. But in relationships, I think it's fair to say that nobody stops being aware of their surroundings, the people in it, the places where little sparks might fly or things might seem interesting. But if we can begin to actually reframe what that looks like. So, if I begin to find myself entertained, more entertained than usual, by something that's outside of my primary relationship, it's a cue, no differently than if somebody is really struggling with an alcohol addiction and they have an interest in going and they can't wait to get home to be able to sit down to a drink at the end of a day. That is a cue. It's actually not telling us anything more. Nothing has happened. It's just a cue that says, "Oh, wait a minute. Am I not feeling so good right now?" So that cue when treated uh in the relationship as oh wow this is information that I need to kind of reconnect.
 
 

00:09:25

 
Canadian Family Health: I'm not feeling so good right now. I'm reaching to feel better. And interestingly enough intelligent people highly intelligent people are far more prone to addictions of all varieties affairs included. So why is that? It's that your brain has the ability to able to know where to go get what it wants. it can it can find its way back to that hit of feel-good chemistry. So, it's actually there programmed to be able to go, I don't feel very good right now. I know how to get more of that right now and I'm going to move in that direction. Boom. We've got that happening. Affairs are really great ways of being able to do that in the long term because they take a while to be able to coordinate. They've got an element of secrecy which actually gets the adrenaline going in your blood. uh your body begins to feel that sense of uh adventure of of danger.
 
 

00:10:15

 
Canadian Family Health: ADHD people you'll find like to go really fast on motorcycles or uh uh scadoos or something that keeps them where they're in that really sharpened focus. And so we know that adrenaline plays a big role, this craving for adrenaline, that sharpened focus. And affairs bring about that very same chemistry. So when we begin to treat affairs as addictions as opposed to this want for love or for companionship or it being about a specific human that we've interacted with and perhaps they're the one, then we begin to have more control over what we're looking at here, which is really actually a configuration of chemistry in the brain. That chemistry in the brain is is a telltale sign and it's something that we can actually do something about. It's our point of power in the relationship. We're able to say and speak to the idea, "I'm not feeling so good right now." And what happens is if you're hanging out in despair or shame or guilt or even fear long enough, your craving for feel-good energy is very powerful.
 
 

00:11:19

 
Canadian Family Health: You're dying to get into appreciation. You miss the feeling of being in appreciation. We all know the feeling of appreciation from childhood. That's the state of w wonder wonder and awe and all of the great stuff that keeps us very present in our lives. So when we are in those lower registry emotions, whether it's coming through a trauma of some sort or we've had an experience uh or perhaps in a workplace environment that doesn't feel so good or we're really struggling with those early years of parenthood when there's a lot of busy in our lives, we are more prone to being tugged by that person that's going to pour appreciation all over us. And what happens is we go up the emotional scale from despair or shame or guilt or fear or anger even. And we go up to appreciation and it's as though you're a diver at the bottom of the sea. Suddenly taking this boom right up to the surface and you get the bends. You make stupid decisions.
 
 

00:12:15

 
Canadian Family Health: You do things that you would not normally do because your brain is almost exploded with this appreciation. And that appreciation somebody is pouring all over you feels so good. You just go, "Where can we sign up to get more of this?" And then begins the affair. I know that if you've gone through an experience like this, on either end of the experience, it felt much more personal and much more like a storyline of two people and whatever the story line might be about how you managed to unite and what kind of connection you shared with one another. um what that did to the relationship or where why you might be upset with the person that you were with and where you felt vulnerable to the affair. But it's actually an inside job. It's each person's brain chemistry that is in a state of vulnerability that is the risk. So looking at affairs, looking to affair your relationship means dealing with your healthy chemistry. Trying to put that back in balance in the many ways that are really difficult to do in today's world that is moving at the speed of light. that is eating food that isn't food. That is not taking the time to actually be in a state of rest and relaxation where you can allow feel-good chemistry to flood through your body just for listening to a piece of music or taking a walk in a park. So, slow it all down. Definitely seek help if this is something that feels like it's a you're stuck, you're struggling. Um, but know that what's going on here is a bigger thing than just this person.