United States of Race
United States of Race
Episode 9: Never Judge a Book By Its Cover
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While Kyndra was made fun of as a child for her looks, it’s the present-day bullying for her unpopular political beliefs that really makes her feel like she doesn’t fit in within her own community.
I make little race jokes. Like here's an example: I say man, white people are wild. Y'all really are charging us$100 off of ancestry.com tell us where you took us from. You know? You can, you can make race funny. You can. But the problem is people want to cancel you. We live in a cancel culture.
DB Crema:This is United States of Race, personal stories of how our earliest memories determine a lifetime of relationships. Each episode features one guest sharing their experiences with race. Listen without prejudice to their real, uninhibited stories, because by sharing when we first learned we are all different, we find the common thread that shows us how much we are all the same. I'm your host DB Crema. Today, we're joined by Kyndra, who was made fun of as a child for her looks. But it's the present day bullying for her unpopular political beliefs that really makes her feel like she doesn't fit in within her own community. So when did you first become aware of race?
Unknown:I first became aware of race, I was seven years old. And I remember the school that I went to was predominantly black. In Fayette County, if anybody is familiar with Atlanta, Fayette County has become the ghetto now. All right. But at the time when I was a child, it was a really good school system. So school I went to was more so like middle upper class, black people. We had a few white kids and everything else. But I remember having elementary kids talk about you know, your black and everything else. So, I remember first hearing it from school. Right? So okay, cool. No issue. Middle School was when it became an issue. Sixth grade. I remember saying I wanted to be white. And the reason I said I wanted to be white, and I really just denounced being black altogether - I remember watching somebody on television, and you had to be careful what you watch on television. They would always talk about, you know, black people... I used to think only black folks were on welfare. That's really what I thought because watching television, they portrayed black people as thugs, criminals, angry black woman. So I'm thinking all black women are mean. I had girls would say, Oh, your mom doesn't like, you know, curse at y'all. You're black Kyndra, you're supposed to like, have your mom do that. I'm like, what? If black people do this, then I'm like, I don't want to be black. Like, I want to have the white mom. You know, the stereotype is all white parents in general, they very lenient with their children, and so I'm like, I wish I could experience that. And this is around the time where my parents divorced as well. So my mom was the sole, you know, provider - had custody over us. And we were literally, we were at riches and I'm still at rags to this day. Present day, okay. So living in, you know, an impoverished neighborhood with my mother, my two brothers. It was four people in one apartment, bedroom. Okay. And I really just felt like, okay, maybe if I was white, I wouldn't be having to live in this area. And like I said, I wanted to be white. And I remember, I wanted to be Puerto Rican.
DB Crema:What?
Kyndra:I'm gonna tell you why. The guys I had a crush on, they loved Spanish looking women. That exotic-look, type woman. Those are the girls in the school, they were the ones getting the most attention. I was getting looked over. And still to this day, I have had issues with women, because it was black women who made fun of my hair, said it was too coarse, it's too nappy, need to get a perm. And I literally felt very disgusted. I wasn't aware that I suffered depression at that young age, at like 11 going on 12 years old. I didn't know what depression was. I just knew I felt disgusted. Because how could you talk about somebody's hair like that? How could you talk about somebody's eyebrows - your eyebrows are are too thick. And so with that being said, I remember I got some scissors because I'm like, I don't like my eyebrows. So, I started cutting my eyebrows. And I looked crazy as hell. And I'm glad eyebrows grow back, honey. I'm so glad it grows back.
DB Crema:That could not have been a good look.
Kyndra:But yeah, so. And, your lips are too big. Why your lips so big?
DB Crema:But isn't that what people pay for now?
Kyndra:Yes, they do. They do. And I just I literally, middle school was the worst, the worst type of years for me. I would have people call me ugly. And I remember up until that time, nobody ever called me ugly. And I literally believed that and that's where low self esteem comes in. Okay, so like I said, we start with depression, then we get to low self esteem. And I remember seventh grade out of out of my middle school years, seventh grade was the worst.
DB Crema:But I mean, middle school, junior high, is known to be a brutal time. I mean, it's a vicious place. And middle schoolers are not kind to each other. I mean, is that about race?
Kyndra:It is about race, in a sense, because it was black women. It was a self hatred amongst black women telling me you're not beautiful, because your hair doesn't look like... it's not thin, it's not straight. You know, your skin complexion. I literally just felt like being white was the way to go. And I came across white people who treated me better, who were so much nicer. Who made me feel like I was one of them. I literally was going through so many different things, trying to figure out who I was. And then a lot of it came from my mother as well, you know, there was a lot of tension with me with my mother. The way she would talk to me, talk down to me in a way. And I said I wish you know, my mom was white. You know, because I know white parents, they're not going to treat their children as such, right? But again, these are stereotypes because not every white parent, you know, does that. Same thing with not every black parent does that.
DB Crema:So you thought that if you were white, it would make your life better, you would be taken out of the ghetto, you would be living a much better life in every respect.
Kyndra:I did, I did. And I felt that if I was white. Or if I was Puerto Rican, I would get a better, have the better upper hand. You know, like I said, because if you watch too much television, it will make you think that black people are less than. I equated success and happiness to either being white, or Puerto Rican. You know, and of course, like I said, as you get older, you realize that, you know, that's definitely not gonna be the truth. And, what was so crazy was I had this thing where I was like, Oh, I want to grow up in the hood. I want this ethnic name. I want everything so I could feel like I belong with African Americans. But then people would think, when I would get on the phone with them, they're like, Oh, you talk very proper. Are you white? I just did not fit in. I felt like I really did not, did not fit in. I said, Well, maybe I must destined to be white. Because people say I talk proper. I don't act black enough. Whatever that means. I had a girl she was in elementary school. And I, still to this day, don't know how to braid hair. So I need a support group started for women who don't know how to braid hair, black women. And she said,
DB Crema:How do you not know how to braid hair?
Kyndra:That's what she said. She's like, you're African American. How do you not know how to braid hair? I get made fun of, to date, present day. For showing up on time, for being prepared. You know, whatever other type of stereotype that could possibly come. Hey, do you like watermelon, fried chicken. I don't care for watermelon. And I told some black people that, right? They're like, how are you black and you don't like watermelon? I'm like, Guys, this is just my opinion. And I'm very quick to tell people just because we're Black doesn't mean that you have to go and root, like, okay, for example, a certain film or TV character that you know is just bad. You know, for a fact, they did a bad job. But if I sit here and say I don't really care for that, something's wrong with you. You know what? You sold out. You're a sellout. I'm a sellout because I don't want to like the same thing that you're liking? For so many years I had people say Kyndra, are you sure that you're black? And so I was really just trying to understand like, what what type of person am I?
DB Crema:Hmm. So how did you deal with your depression? Like the fallout of all that you were facing in middle school and kind of into high school? How did you deal with that?
Unknown:I just bared the pain. You know, every day, I wish I was dead. There were times I wanted to die. You know, I was still like a happy, you know, go lucky kid on the outside, you know, but only reason I went to counseling, it was just, you know, my parents were divorcing, my mom felt like putting me in there. But even when I was in counseling, and I talked about nothing, it was like a waste, but I never dealt with it properly. And I always find it funny how parents can spot your fake friends, but they can't spot their child's depressed. You ever noticed that? And so, I didn't say nothing.
DB Crema:You just kept it hidden or bottled up.
Kyndra:And then as time progressed my depression became worse because of other life situations that happened, you know? So, and then I didn't do nothing positive about it. I just, you know, I thought about cutting myself. And then that hurt, so I said I'm not gonna cut myself no more. Let me not try this. I couldn't do any drugs. I couldn't get access to any drugs. Journaling. Journaling was cool. Journaling, I guess, is a healthier option. But I didn't start journaling until high school.
DB Crema:It's interesting, how you said that you were outwardly a happy go lucky kid, even though you were just kind of sitting on top of this mound of, of depression and, you know, self loathing?
Kyndra:Yeah. I would, I would definitely call it that, you know? And it made me really question What was I on this earth for, if I was going to end up having to, you know, to think like this. It got to the point, I'm like, I really wanted to be homeschooled. I wanted to be away from everybody. All of my life, I literally had issues when it came with black people. And then I had to realize people are going to be people. That's what I had to come down to. I don't know, if it was just prayer. I don't know if it was maturity. But I had to get out of that mindset thinking that black people are what they are portrayed to be on television. This is not who every black person is. But I felt that if I'm going to be you know, African American, I have to act like this. I have to talk like this. It wasn't working for me. People will call me an enigma. You know, there are some black people out there who might look the stereotype but they're the ones who say, you know, what, never judge a book by its cover. And this is also people like oh, well...even when it comes with being a republican. For for whatever reason, a lot of black people think, Oh, well, Republicans are racist, and they're not for us and democrat's the way to go and all of that type of stuff. But if I say, you know, I like Donald Trump better as president than Biden. Oh, I'm wrong for that. I was afraid to speak my mind around black people, because I felt, like this is gonna sound so... I'm about to be as descriptive as I can. I felt like by me speaking the truth, I was gonna be lynched. Like verbally, not physically. Oh, your supposed.... You know, I remember this is something that just came into my mind. When President Obama ran for the second time, and at that time, I was able to vote. My mother said, if you don't vote for him, you won't have a place to go. We don't do the other party in this household. And she was serious, too. So with all that being said, the fact that I had, when this past election, my aunt called me and she told me who to vote for. She told me who to vote for. She says, We need to get Trump out of office. Why should we get him out of office? Because have you not been paying attention to what's going on? But, so you think Biden's gonna be better? We don't want Donald Trump in office. That man is a racist. He's trying to build this wall. He's trying to do this. Well, you know what, when Donald was in office, guess what? My money came on time. And I know that sounds so bad, but I'm not the only one who's thinking like that. So, like I said, because if I say I'm a black Republican, or MAGA or whatever else it might be. Oh, off with Kyndra's head. I get bullied. This is what what else is really bad as well. When we had the protests over the summer, when George Floyd was, you know, viciously murdered. I'm not gonna lie, I felt very led to write a status about the inequality and and issues when it came with, you know, black people. I felt like if I didn't write that status, they would have been like, well Kyndra, you're a comedian, you're not gonna say nothing about it. Oh, Kyndra, you're supposed to be like us. I felt peer pressure to do that.
DB Crema:Meaning, you, you felt that you need to make some sort of statement?
Kyndra:Yes, I felt like I had to make a statement because majority of black people were making a statement and I didn't want to feel left out. I didn't want to feel like I, you know, am for the other side.
DB Crema:So, what I hear you saying is that if you're questioning things that are of popular opinion, within the black community, you become the target, and you're the one who's representing the unpopular view, and being kind of outcast or marginalized.
Kyndra:Most definitely. And I, this is like a bullying method. You're bullying me into wanting me to be just like you. It's like, if I tell the truth, oh, you're you're labeled as the angry black woman. I'm not... how am I angry? I'm talking to you regularly. I'm just being honest. And I want to say this as well. I've never personally when it came with, you know, racism, as far as what, like a police officer, I've never had to personally deal with that, where they have stopped me for driving while black. You know, I know for black men is more prevalent. You know, I know for a fact there are gonna be some places I can't go, even in this day and age - rural, you know, Georgia. Where'd I learn that from, I think it just instinctively came. I don't want to feel like that. But I do.
DB Crema:But, so a lot of people would say that your support of the republican party and being republican goes against your interests. By being Republican, you are voting for things that are ...you're voting against your interest. You're voting for a group of people who want to maintain the existing status quo, which is, in part, maintaining a police state against the black community.
Kyndra:And, that's why I say I want, you know... I don't want you guys to think that like, okay, after listening to Kyndra, she is totally against black people. She's not gonna marry black. No, no, no, no, no. This is what I want people to do, instead of just following the blind leading the blind, when it comes with the Republican Party, when it comes with Donald Trump or whomever else there may be out there. I want black people to just do the research. I just want more black people to just say, Okay, I'm not going to be following the crowd, because everyone else says we need to do this.
DB Crema:But I'm going to come back to this piece about, you know, one of the most important pieces of currency that we as individuals in this country have is our voting power. Our political currency is our vote our individual vote. Now, I mean, putting aside the issues with Electoral College and a lot that's being done to disenfranchise vast communities, still, at the individual, our strongest piece of currency is the power to vote. And many would say that, and would point out a multitude of ways in which, by voting for the Republican Party, you are voting for the status quo, and you're voting for policies that are designed to disenfranchise your community, are designed to perpetuate the socialization that leads to internalized racism, that you as a child experienced and was at the receiving end. So, and I get that, you know, black people are not a monolith, by any means. And it's ridiculous to think that everyone should think the same way. I completely hear you on the importance of each person applying their own critical lens and coming to their own conclusions. What's the best way to go about doing that? Is that going and voting for a party that's not...
Kyndra:Can I, can I say this? And this is again, the ancestors are cursing me out right now. But hey, it's okay. I'm being me. I finally have come to a place where I am okay with how I think, whether it be right or wrong. Politics and car salesmen, they're the same thing. Okay. Common sense goes out the window, man. Once I've come to that place in my life, and I realize that both parties, these politicians are dirty. They say whatever they want to say. Because again, they're gonna promise you every thing.
DB Crema:So how do we move on from this point when it's just every topic is so divisive and gets so politicized> We just seem to be getting further and further into our polarized camps. And that's certainly not leading us anywhere productive.
Kyndra:I think the best thing to do is, number one, I think we all, everyone, we all know the difference between right and wrong. We all did the whole if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. And so where do we go from here? We go to the place of being kind to one another. I treat everybody the same. Being able to say you know what, I'm not going to treat my brother or my sisters that way. Show love to one another. You know, we're going to agree to disagree in love. That's it. That's all I ask or is to agree to disagree with e in love.
DB Crema:Thanks for listening to United States of Race. This podcast was produced by me, D Crema. Our artwork is designe by Aly Creative, and our recordings are done via Squad ast FM. With everything being emote these days, SquadCast d livers studio quality remote r cording for all your podcast n eds. If you love great storytelling, you can follow United States of race on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And show us some lov by rating and writing a revie on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser. You can also share this podcast with your friends and anyone who believes in the power of building connection through sharing personal stories. And you can follow us on Instagram at all one word unitedstatesofra e. And as always, if you, Yes, y u have a compelling story to s are and would like to be f atured in an upcoming episode, s nd us a message at unitedst tesofrace@gmail.com. Until next time,