The Mindset Needed to Successfully Negotiate

The good news is that negotiating skills can be learned and perfected. Let's show your how.

 1.       Prepare fully. Do your research at fairy godboss or glassdoor. Know what your seat commands. Ask your peers. Ask mentors.

a.       In general, people don't like what they believe they're not good at

b.       I once have a friend who I admire for how she negotiated her bonus's, salary, her clients, etc. in the middle of a male driven organization. She was absolutely tenacious and prepared this in writing and did her homework beyond what you could ever imagine- her numbers. Company numbers. Sales department numbers all pulled together to create the picture of WHY she deserved what she was asking for.

2.       Cultivate positive emotions. Be prepared to tell stories about your wins at your previous jobs and why you are good for this job. 

3.       Boosting Emotional Intelligence. Watch body language. Your non verbal cues can convey 12.5 times more information than the words coming out of your mouth.

a.       With increase self awareness, women can build their confidence levels and, therefore, decrease their anxiety around the task of negotiating.

b.       "Using Mindfulness"- ask yourself what you really need and your interest is during the negotiation process. Be aware!!

4.       Negotiating Communally

5.       Negotiating a Package. Women are so excited to be invited to the table, that they doln't take agency over the process. When given a salary offer, say, this is a good place to start. Or, buy time by saying, Let me gather my notes together.   Have your other items you want ready to ask if you don't get what you want initially.

a.       People from other cultures negotiate differently. Whereas Americans and Germans prefer a linear, one-issue-at-a-time approach, the French prefer a more holistic approach, and will move back and forth on issues that other negotiators may have believed were long since settled.  What is your style and how can you bring a style to the table that gets you what you need?

b.       In the case of salary negotiations, women would better themselves by looking at the total compensation package, which might include paid time off, the hiring of an administrative assistant, or a commuting allowance. (So important during our COVID 19 time period).

 c.        Rather than saying, "My minimum salary expectations is $120,000", try, "I'd be willing to consider a salary that is below my minimum if we can agree on the total compensation package. In addition to my eligibility for year-end bonus's , I'd like to discuss administrative support, relocation assistance, and the possibility of two-months rental in a furnished apartment, given my 800 mile relocation." ideally, you should back up these requests with data that supports your ask.

Joya is currently enrolling members for international (Europe) and domestic (NYC) strategy days. She also leads a year-long intensive mastermind of C-Suite level women, which is accepting applications for 2024.

https://www.joyadass.com/
info@joyadass.com

Transcript

Drink Like A Lady Podcast with Kathie De-Chirico Stuart & Joya Dass Season #2 Ep 9

Speaker 1 (00:02):

Welcome to the drink, like a lady podcast where every Wednesday we provide merging female leaders with information on how to get a seat at the bar and how to get a seat in the board room. In season two of drink, like a lady we've been talking about the power of mindset. And particularly in episode nine today, we're going to not only be talking about the power of mindset, but how important mindset is when we are talking about hygiene, how are you? I see that you've just joined. We're talking about the power of mindset and how it relates to negotiation. So I'm just waiting for my partner in crime, who joins me every week on this podcast, Kathy DeCicco Stewart, who is a business strategist, and we are going to be talking about the six ways that you can come to the table and be a better negotiator. Now, one of the things that we want to talk about as I'm waiting for Kathy to join me, is that women traditionally, before they joined the workforce, one of the things, one of the pieces of one of the quivers that they had in their, in their, um, one of the arrows they had in their quiver was likeability, right? That was the only asset that women really had. And as we entered the workforce and we realized that, well, there are other factors that need to play into our warmth and into our competence. Um, that likeability

Speaker 2 (01:21):

Certainly go away and we're going to talk, Kathy and I are going to talk about the fact that that likeability factor often dings our ability to go into a negotiation and speak with confidence. Hi, Kathy, how are you? I Jaya, welcome to Wednesday. I match your walls. I see. That's beautiful. Thank you. Come on over. I was just starting to say that part of the reason that women avoid negotiating is our likability factor. Uh, for many, many years before we entered the workforce, likeability was one of the only things that we had before we started being judged by other metrics. So I wondered if you had some thoughts on that. No, I think that's really, really key. I think it's also part of the femininity of what we bring to, um, to society, to our families and to ourselves, um, to get rid of that though is really hard.

Speaker 2 (02:11):

So you've got to sort of own it and understand how to manage that. So I'd like ability, aren't, isn't one of the metrics that we necessarily need to be worried about anymore. What are we worried about when it comes to negotiation? What we're worried about is whether or not, um, we're fitting in that goes back to the likeability. Um, it also has to do with whether or not, um, we're, we're being perceived as too aggressive. And we hear that a lot that women, you know, if you're being direct, you're now aggressive where men is being, the men are being creative enough, creative, competitive, um, they're creative in their competitiveness. Um, so it's really important to really become, so self-aware when you go into a negotiation and we're going to talk a lot about that. Even some of the stumbling blocks that both you and I have had along the way. So for those

Speaker 1 (02:59):

Of you that are just joining us, myself and Kathy every week, hosted the drink, like a lady podcast where we are teaching women, not only to get a seat at the bar, but also to get a seat in the boardroom. And in episode nine, we are talking about the power of negotiation and the mindset that you need to be a better negotiator. But before we launch into our six tips today, Kathy, we talked about one reason why women don't like to negotiate. And that's because we don't like to ding our likability factor, but what's the other reason we don't like to negotiate.

Speaker 2 (03:31):

We don't like to negotiate because we, um, we, we want to fit in. Um, and also it seems like it's too, self-centered, you know, when we start to negotiate, it's about the point of, you know, art is someone going to look at us and say, are we self centered? Um, and not understanding we have choices that's really, really important.

Speaker 1 (03:51):

And it's also seen as a chore, right? Like there's language schools, there's things that you need at your fingertips in order to be able to be a fierce negotiator. I will be the first to say, I've always been the worst negotiator in the world. And I really had to learn as I've gotten to be a woman in business own my own business, that they're going to people that they're going to be people that want to negotiate my products and services. And I need to have language tucked away in my back pocket and ready to counter,

Speaker 2 (04:17):

You know, when we're going to get to at the end. But one of the things is I've always been great at negotiating for others, but when it came to me, whether it had to do with my feeling, well, I don't deserve this, or they're gonna think that, you know, um, you know, I'm trying to take something over on them. So what we're going to learn by the end of this podcast is we're going to learn how you can actually pivot on that and create a new mindset when you walk into that negotiating environment.

Speaker 1 (04:46):

So let's get into tip number one, tip number one, for really having that mindset, that sharp mindset to go in and negotiate is to prepare fully. And what does that actually mean? Well, in my world, I want to know what that seat commands in terms of salary. So you can go on a site called Fairygodboss. You can go on a site called Glassdoor, but see what your seat commands in the marketplace right now, that is a huge way to go and prepared.

Speaker 2 (05:14):

And if you're already in a position, um, within a company it's really, really important to talk about, you know, what's going on and what you've already created value for the company. You always remember you, how are you creating value and what that looks like and put a dollar amount to it? Make sure it's quantifiable as well.

Speaker 1 (05:31):

Yeah, we had, I had an, uh, a speaker this morning and one of the things that she wanted was a promotion. And she was like, how do I even ask for that in this environment? And I CA I came back with, well, you gotta have three bullet points right here, three facts about the value that I have added to this organization and give it a timeline, right? Maybe in the last quarter, in the last three quarters year, over year, I was able to bring this many stakeholders to the table. I was able to, in this many projects that brought in this much revenue, have those bullet points handy, especially if you're talking to a room full of men

Speaker 2 (06:04):

And especially, absolutely. And if you can somehow quantify something, men like numbers, they are there. Their head is about numbers. How much percentage over and above, um, how quickly did you do it? All of those factors are really key. Um, it, it makes you have a lot of credibility in your negotiations. So mirrors,

Speaker 1 (06:21):

He just joined us and Levinas just joined us. [inaudible] just joined us. Ladies. If you have some questions, please throw my way and three, please throw them Kathy's way. We are hosting the weekly drink, like a lady podcast where we're teaching women, emerging female leaders anyway, how to get a seat at the bar and how to get a seat at the boardroom. And today we are talking about the power of mindset when you're negotiating. So point number one, and tip to be a better negotiated negotiators to make sure that you are prepared fully and come to the table, armed with all the information about what your seat commands in terms of salary and the bullet points to back up, why you deserve that particular job. The second one is to cultivate positive emotions. And Kathy, I'm going to let you expand on this before I add my thoughts.

Speaker 2 (07:05):

Okay, great. One of the things that when you feel good, whether it's an emotion, a positive motion, you've had a success, it's start when you feel good. And you're going into that negotiation. What that does is it actually elevates the chemical or responses in your own body. So talk about your own story, your wins, or actually, you know, if you need to speak to someone prior to the negotiation, that's positive that they can help you do that as well. Uh, I've always found that when I negotiated and I had heavy negotiate, I preferred not to speak to anybody because all of a sudden they might say, Oh, maybe you miss this. And you, maybe you missed that. Be prepared like you said before fully, but then absolutely focus and concentrate on where you're going with it.

Speaker 1 (07:46):

Olympic athletes will often visualize again and again and again, the moves that they need to make in order to win in order to get the goal. And so your brain doesn't actually see the difference between when you're physically actually doing the activity, or if you're running through it in your mind. So if you are able to cultivate those positive emotions, really visualize how you want the negotiation to go. That can be an amazing way to go into a negotiation mindset. I also believe in storytelling. So rather than tick off the five ways or the five last jobs that you had on your resume, can you tell three stories about three wins that you've had that really demonstrate the acumen and, and what you bring to the table in the way of skill sets?

Speaker 2 (08:29):

You know, what joy you brought up was the number three. I want to talk about the number three in everything you do. Number three makes it easy. It's three key points, very easy for somebody to remember you start going in to anything over four, whatever people are like, Oh, wait a minute. I forgot the first one. So sticking to the number three is really, um, an excellent, uh, guidance.

Speaker 1 (08:48):

We welcome anybody who has questions to please put them in the little chat function down below. We are taking questions today, but we talking the power of mindset and what it takes to be a fierce negotiator. So number one is prepare fully. Number two is to make sure that you cultivate positive emotions and tell stories about your wins. And number three, Kathy is to boost your emotional intelligence. What do you mean by that? Well,

Speaker 2 (09:11):

You know, emotionally, we have to understand where we, where we sit within, where we are going into a negotiations. So feeling good about yourself, um, understanding the nonverbal cues, uh, is, are important. One of the things I learned very early on is if you're in an uncomfortable situation, you're, it's all you have to do is just recross your legs. What that does is physiologically. It changes the way you feel, and then helps you create the type of, um, emotional balance that you need.

Speaker 1 (09:41):

I remember interviewing somebody about body language, and actually reishis NAMI is asking a question about this, but make sure you look sometimes at people's feet, if they're interviewing you, if their feet are not pointed at you, it means that they're trying to exit the conversation. So what can you do to reel them back in same thing when you're in a networking situation. But of course today, we're talking about negotiation, readership, Noni asked when you prepare a certain visual and you keep preparing that way, doesn't it throw you off if something else happens. And I would actually counter to that. Um, it's what you're really talking about. When you say to channel positive emotions is, is energy at what kind of energy are you walking into the space with, right? Because your nonverbal cues, and I actually read this this week in fast company, your nonverbal cues and what your facial expressions are, what they're conveying can sometimes be 12 and a half times more powerful, more powerful than anything that's actually coming out of your mouth. So if you can really visualize some of those positive emotions, it's not a bunch of woo-hoo stuff. It's really about the energy with what you're going to be showing up and what you're going to be bringing into that negotiation setting. And then

Speaker 2 (10:49):

The positive emotions actually is reflected through how you look, whether you're smiling, how you hold your body, all of that. It's like taking a look at the entire package.

Speaker 1 (10:59):

So number one, to being a better negotiator and being in the right mindset to be a great negotiators, to prepare fully, make sure you know, what your seat commands in the way of salary. Number two is to cultivate positive emotions, really visualize yourself succeeding in this negotiation. Setting. Number three is emotional intelligence. Watch the verbal cues, watch the nonverbal cues. And number four is negotiating communally. Kathy, can you talk about what that means?

Speaker 2 (11:25):

This is the one that I talk about where I, um, I tripped up. I, you know, you reframe the negotiations so that it's not all about you. And this is my whole, my whole career up until about, I'm going to say 10, maybe 15 years ago. You know, I couldn't negotiate for me that well. Oh, okay. I'll take that. Oh, okay. And, um, now you can accelerate that by sitting here and saying, when you're thinking about this, going into the negotiation, you look as though you're negotiating for a bunch of people, whether it's women, um, and et cetera, but you're actually negotiating for yourself. So that's really important. Once again, it's just a shift of the words. It's a shift of the mindset. And so much more can happen for you.

Speaker 1 (12:02):

We asked a follow up question. She says, how do you know that a negotiation has reached its peak? And when do you know that you haven't essentially broken the deal?

Speaker 2 (12:12):

Oh, that's, that's very key. If someone's distracted, they're taking phone calls. Um, if they're shuffling their papers, the point is also for you to try to keep them interested, you know, um, in terms of what you're saying, their value, and that has happened very often where, you know, for some reason they're just their head, isn't there, et cetera. You may, when they finish up, you might want to say, you know, maybe perhaps we need to get back when there's a better time for you to sit and negotiate on this.

Speaker 1 (12:41):

This week, I actually had somebody who was negotiating my public speaking, one-on-one coaching. And so Ray, I'm going to share this, this example. We went back and forth on the costs. We went back and forth on what I was offering in those six sessions. And when she came back, one more time to negotiate option C, which was not even part of the package. I had to go back and not be afraid to say, I'm sorry, this is the cost. This is what I'm offering. Ultimately, I didn't actually say anything different than our second exchange, but you can't be afraid to go back and say the same thing again. Ultimately, I didn't hear back from her, but it's been three days. You never know. People might just feel like they need to sit on it marinate, or I don't have it written her off, but I do believe that I had to stand my ground and I also needed to not want it that badly. You know, where you lose in a negotiation is when you want it more than the other party. So you have to be able to go in with that energy where you're gonna stand your ground and say, this is my value. This is what I'm worth. And I'm willing to walk away.

Speaker 2 (13:45):

What's interesting in that regard, one of the things we used to do and I've done is I've had someone else negotiate for me. All right. Because what happens is they, once again, it goes back to the idea of negotiating for me, communally, he become more objective. It doesn't become an emotional trigger. It doesn't like, Oh wait, wait a minute. Let me tell you about how much this costs. And I'm not that you did it wrong. It sounds like you did it appropriately. You know, let me, let me go back and discuss, you know, the cost factors on this and what it looks like and what your value is. So someone more objectively, um, can do it for you. And, um, you know, it's one of the things I've used in the past.

Speaker 1 (14:22):

She's saying, thank you. She said, you know, I love that. You're saying that we should know our value. This really goes back to point, number one, you should really know what that seat that you are negotiating for that product or service, what the value is in the market. And the only way you can do that is by asking other people, getting that level of transparency and checking on websites to see what that seat commands in the marketplace. You've also got to be able to come to the table with enough bullet points as to why you are a value, right? And we said three bullet points to support why you deserve this, or you don't deserve that are very, very important for you to come to the table, but make sure you're prepared with that. So for those of you that are just joining us, say bile has just joined us.

Speaker 1 (15:01):

Oculus has just joined us. We're talking about the mindset that you need to be a better negotiator. And number one is prepare fully. Number two is to really visualize and cultivate positive emotions. The energy with which you go into the negotiation is important. Number three is really boost your emotional awareness and watch the body language of both yourself and the other party, which is important. Number four, negotiating communally, Kathy, which is something that you need to do, not only for yourself, but for women in general. And then number five is to negotiate a package. We've got another question coming in from Navina, but I want to touch on this point first.

Speaker 2 (15:36):

So, you know, women are very excited to be invited in, sit down at the table of a negotiation, but what happens is they get, they, they get very focused on one part of it and they say, well, my salary, my salary, my salary, but what's more interesting, especially with what goes on in some of these companies, there are some other components to a package that may actually work out for you. So knowing what your own, um, interest is in terms of what you need. And, and then your, um, outside interests out of the, um, the scope of the job is important. So that there may be, um, I call them sliders, they slide up and maybe a little less salary. One of the things I always sort of did at the end of, uh, more at the end of my career, which I'm in is I, I negotiate hard on the bonus because I knew how well I could perform under certain conditions.

Speaker 1 (16:24):

Right? And when you come to the negotiation, of course you have sort of like the thing that you want out of the gate, right? Maybe it's a certain salary number, but if you don't necessarily get that number and maybe you get something that's a shade lighter, lower than that, what else can you ask for? Could it be continuing education and a budget for that, but it'd be for personal development. Could it be more weeks off? Could it be flex time to do different things? Could it be a sabbatical that you can go on sabbatical and go learn something? You know, like what else can you have prepared and tucked away in your back pocket? That if you don't get the number you want, these are the other things that I would like to negotiate for.

Speaker 2 (16:59):

And, you know, especially if you're relocating and all of that, other things, there's lots of things that you can slip in there, you know, relocation, um, they'll pay you a package. Well, then I want you to pay for four months of an apartment. Well, I'm looking at et cetera. So those things they're offered to a lot of, uh, individuals, my son-in-law is now looking for a place and to look relocated the way he looks at it is so positive in terms of, well, here's the package. What does it look like? You know, the timeline, et cetera. So you can learn also by just listening to how men may have negotiated a package rather than just the salary component.

Speaker 1 (17:33):

Alison Tafel Rabinowitz was a speaker on negotiation at lady drinks, um, twice now. And one of the things that I love that she said is that when that salary paper, when did that, what that salary offer paper gets slid across the desk. And you look at it for the first time women immediately say, thank you. I'd say, thank you. The first things out of your mouth should be according to Alison is this is a great place to start. And if you still feel like you are not in a place where you have the words to counter, you know, say, you know what, give me a minute. I just want to get my notes together. Even if you didn't actually take notes, but take that moment to leverage the pause and really get your thoughts together and what you're going to say next. Um, Navina Maria is asking a question. How do you negotiate effectively when you don't have the healthiest of relationships with the superior or your boss? What do you have to say to that cat?

Speaker 2 (18:25):

Well, that's, that's a great question. That in itself will bring you anxiety. I've been there. I'm sure we all have been there, but here's what I'm going to say. Um, once again, you've got to get, um, balanced yourself internally, emotionally because the emotions will really trigger you to second guess your guests yourself. Um, the other thing is that there is someone who has a great relationship with your boss. I would go and sit with them first and I talk about, and make sure you have a good relationship with them as well. And say, how, how do you get in the negotiation process? How are you creating the relationship? That's making it work for you get some insights on that. Um, those tools from someone who has a great relationship first, and once again, go back through the points we're talking about. One of them is always be prepared. What if, you know, if they're looking about, uh, to negotiate a new position, but they want you to move, you know, are you willing to move? Don't just go in saying, well, you know, I'm not going to move. So that's not really a negotiation when you know that person might already have something set in their mind,

Speaker 1 (19:22):

Right? It's more like a plaintiff, right? There's nowhere to go with that. Navina one thing that I would share that I've learned from all the speakers that I've interviewed over the years is can you think about a way that you can make your boss look good? Or can you do something to make your boss's life easier? It's something my grandmother actually used to say, you have to look beyond what people say they want and anticipate what they need, and they are going to just sit up and notice you so much more when you're able to do that kind of future casting with a boss that you may or may not have a great relationship with me personally, I would go in at a regular cadence and make sure I had an opportunity to share what it is that I have done well in the last quarter or in the last month and whether or not they want to hear it. I would want to make sure that I have that check-in to just say, tap me on the back, because this is what I did this, this, this quarter.

Speaker 2 (20:18):

Well, those are really great insights. I think, you know, you had a very wise, um, family to back you and, and, and, uh, it's a good tool. I think we all go in thinking at the end that we're going to make someone look good, but the fact that you actually say it reinforces the belief that you have right upfront.

Speaker 1 (20:35):

And for those of you that are listening, there's a great book on this. One of the ladies that I'd interviewed at lady drinks many years ago, her name is Fran Hauser. And she wrote a book called the myth of the nice girl. So you want to talk about likability, you know, she's, she really gives you a lot of tools and language that you can use to be nice, but you can still, you know, create boundaries and get the things that you want, especially if you're in a negotiation slump. All right. So to recap for those of you that are just joining us today on the drink, like a lady podcast, we're talking about the six ways to be in the mindset of a great negotiator. And number one was to prepare fully. Number two is to cultivate positive emotions, really be mindful of the energy with which you're walking in.

Speaker 1 (21:15):

How can you cultivate that before you even harken the door? Number three is to boost emotional, intelligent, watch the verbal cues, watch the nonverbal cues because nonverbal cues actually can convey 12 times more powerfully than anything that comes out of your mouth. Number four is to negotiate communally, Kathy, and you say, reframe the negotiation as if you're negotiating on behalf of a group or individuals. And number five is to negotiate a package. If you don't necessarily get what you want right out of the gate, have some of the backup items that you would like to make sure you get in lieu of maybe the salary or the vacation or whatever it is that you went into the room asking for, but make sure you have a fully formed argument for those backup items.

Speaker 2 (21:54):

That is so important because if you think about it, I mean, I know that at some point, um, I was able to get car allowances. So if I didn't have to cause have the cost of a car, um, I took it out of what I would bring home at such a. So I looked at that as well. So being absolutely fully ready to, uh, have a lot of different options on the table is important.

Speaker 1 (22:12):

Before we break. I know you have the negotiation story and, um, it's about this idea of needing and wanting and looking beyond,

Speaker 2 (22:19):

You know, at some point in your creative, get to a point where you're making money and you're, and you're putting away and you're investing and you know, it's all working on that level. Um, but then you realize that somehow along the way, which you haven't invested, uh, more of is in your family. And I had two children and I worked my whole time with my children. Um, and I wanted more of that time. I wanted to be able to spend more quality time with them. So I, I asked for more time off or flexible time. I actually, in a lot of times took them to, uh, when I was a vice-president it took them on business meetings, you know, of course I would double check with the clients that was fine. And both my kids were great. They would sit there to the side or we get in the car and then they tell me what they thought I thought I should have done better, which was great.

Speaker 2 (23:01):

So being able to, to be confident that, um, there's a flexibility, there's a work-life balance that you're asking for. Um, the other thing was, once again, I had said this prior to this was, I knew at certain points in time that my bonus structure was more important to me in terms of what I was able to bring home and creating a very solid bonus structure was important. Um, not so much, I'm going to say on the net income of a company, that's something I was, I was taught. Don't do it on the net income or the net profit. You need to do it based on, um, the top line, because that is what you can control.

Speaker 1 (23:37):

Cathy. We are winding up season two of drink, like a lady, how to get a seat in the, at the bar and in the boardroom. So what's happening next episode,

Speaker 2 (23:47):

What we're going to do next. It really, we're going to talk about the recap of mindsets, but here's what I want everyone to think about as we go into it. Um, what are you looking to negotiate? What is it at this point? It's been a very tough year, uh, on many, many levels. What do you want to look at in terms of your personal life, your own, uh, your business life, and then how can we bring some of that to life? When we sit down and do the recap of the seasons mindset episodes next week,

Speaker 1 (24:14):

Kathy, if anybody wants to work with you, how did they get ahold of you

Speaker 2 (24:17):

And email me at Stuart Cathy, S T U a R T K a T H I e@gmail.com and my direct number at six Oh nine nine three three seven 600.

Speaker 1 (24:29):

And for me, I'm now building a waitlist. The waitlist started for my public speaking masterclass in January. So if you would like to join that, you can always email me@infoatladydrinks.com. Hey, Kathy, I'll see you next week.

Speaker 2 (24:43):

Oh, well always a pleasure. Take care. Bye.