Drink Like a Lady Podcast

Season 3 Episode 10: The Stories We Tell Ourselves

June 24, 2021 Joya Dass, Kathie De Chirico-Stuart Season 3 Episode 10
Drink Like a Lady Podcast
Season 3 Episode 10: The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Show Notes Transcript

As women leaders, we can't blame ourselves for the stories in our head. Some of those stories  have been whispered in our ear by our grandmothers, parents and reinforced by our community.  According to a recent study conducted by the United Nations, 50% of the world's population believes men make better leaders. In some countries, 70%  believe men deserve a job more than women do.

Even though its like turning around the Titanic, we have to start somewhere. In this episode of Drink Like a Lady, we share 5 ways to start telling ourselves different stories

  1. What does it mean to 'want' versus 'will'
  2. What actions steps are you committing to?
  3. How are you building that self awareness muscle?
  4. How can you expand your story?
  5. What are they saying about you when you're not in the room? You should know
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[inaudible]

Joya:

All Right, Kathie sounds like you're going to only see, hear me today. You're not going to see me. I don't know what's going on. Technology is wonderful when it does, it does not work, but good to see you .

Kathie:

Nice seeing you . Well, nice hearing you

Joya:

How's that your hair looks beautiful today. It is drink like a lady season three, episode 10. And today we are focusing on the stories that we tell ourselves as women leaders. And I know that you've got a ton to say about this, but I wanted to just prompt the fact that there's a UN study that reports that 50% of humans in the world still think that men make better leaders. And in some countries I won't name which 70% believe that men deserve a job more than women do, which is sad, sad, sad. And so these are probably the reverb from grandmothers whispering in our ears and parents whispering in our ears and our society to reinforcing it. But we have the ability to change this. We can turn it around

Kathie:

And you know what , what's so important, especially you as a journalist, the storytelling is so integral in terms of our actions on what other people believe. So it is so imperative that these stories that we tell or start to tell our new generations actually get changed to the reality of the power of, of

Joya:

And we talk about the power of the will versus the want. So we're offering five tips today on how you as a woman leader can actually turn that ship around. What is will versus want mean?

Kathie:

Well, I mean, you're going to see it in , in some of the examples we talked about will is really a powerful action word. It allows us to move forward. It's, it's sort of like, you know, yes, you're going to do it. There's no questions, there's confidence that goes along with it. And then it gives you also the power and the energy and the momentum, you know, cause when you say I will do this, people really rely on what you're saying, the "want" is really about hope, you know, and you say "I want this." Um , and we all walk around saying, I want this, I want that. If it's those that say I will get this or I will be this , um, uh, really it you'll see such a difference in terms of what the, they manifest in their life.

Joya:

And you have your own examples of what you've willed and what you've wanted. So just to give an example. Yeah , yeah.

Kathie:

So I, the biggest example, I remember when I was 16 and I came home and my mother wanted me to take typing back then believe it or not. That's how old I am. Um , typing was totally, of course in high school and I was crying and she's like, what are you , what are you crying about? And I , and I said, I don't need typing. You know, I'm going to be a president of a company. And , um , I "I'm going to be, I will be a president." And here we are, I was president of two companies. I COO of three plus positions. Um , and many C-level executive positions along the way. Um , because that was the story I told myself. Um, the other thing was, "I will use my faith to propel new leadership roles" and I've done that all across. Um , my life, I was a key leader with the Diocese of Metuchen here in New Jersey. Um, and we were a partner with Guatemala, Diocese of Santa Rosa , uh, as chair of the advisory council to St . Charles, which is the pastoral , uh, Catholic church that I belong to. Um , I'm currently a special consultants or home, which is for the homeless and , um, precedent , uh , multiple organizations. So it was, I will use my faith and it, and it has come naturally as well. And then this third thing, which I love is that "I will sharpen my skills in public speaking and , um, to propel leadership ideas." And then of course, we end up here together and we are doing that. Um, and it has really become a very powerful momentum for myself.

Joya:

I love that. Well, so when we speak and what we think, and we've heard this a million times in the law of attraction, but to take it one step further is that when you do get that inspiration, you've got to actually get up off the couch and you've got to take action. You have to do with that intention. And sounds like you did that. And typing is probably part of your life, but it's definitely not central to it.

Kathie:

Yeah . But who knew that we would be using computers so that, that whole typing thing , um, was a good thing in retrospect.

Joya:

Okay . All right. So " will vs. want" Is the first way to kind of change that story. And the second one is what action steps are you committing to? I'm a big fan of Hal Elrod--he wrote 'The Miracle Morning' and what he did was he studied a number of CEOs and leaders to see what their most successful habits are. And rather than just do one or two, he decided to create something called the miracle morning where he's doing six. And one of the, one of the six steps is affirmations. And he believes that most people do affirmations wrong. He believes in breaking affirmations down into four steps, which is I will to speak to your earlier point "I will become a millionaire," let's say, and then you need to talk about why becoming a millionaire is so deeply meaningful to you, and what actions will you commit to make that happen and to get even more specific, when will you take that action? So just to encapsulate point number two is like, what action steps are you committing to to change that story?

Kathie:

And it's important too , to actually look at yourself. I had a coach back when I was getting my MBA. And she said, I want you to look at your words. I want you to look at your story and then the actions that result from them. And when you step back, I mean, we go through the day and we have all these actions and we say a lot of words, but when you step back and you look at them, then you can actually see how it impacts your life.

Joya:

Amazing, right? Number three is how do we build that awareness muscle? And I know that you cite a book by John Maxwell for us to get started on this tip.

Kathie:

Well, I mean, you know, me, I, you know, I'm in the middle of working on project or whatever, and all of a sudden this book comes up and the , the book is called 'No Limits' and it talks about what, how awareness, giftedness, and choices really impact our stories. So, as I went through this and I got ready for our , um, you know, for our program today, I said, well, when I'm aware of my , the areas of where I can get better, that was building the story. So what are we doing to build upon the story? What is it that we can improve upon ourselves? The second one is where do I take my giftedness and my abilities and grow them , um, and make the right choices. So it's being with other people. It's , it's like yourself, we got connected and that's an adding to our story, expanding the story. The other thing is, you know, w I don't want to say that it's all, you know, kumbaya here, but most people, they look at their giftedness and their choices, and they don't realize that they limit themselves right from the beginning. So we've got to make sure that we're not limiting our story as we go through life and we make different choices.

Joya:

And I would layer on top of that, that for me to build my self awareness muscle today, as a leader, so much of it is about taking that quiet time. Some people call it journaling. Some people call it journaling. Some people call it meditation. Some people call it reflection. But for me, it's so important to take those 20 minutes because it just anchors me for my day. My day is so fundamentally different when I do. And don't take that quiet time because I I'm painfully aware of my self-awareness or lack thereof. The other piece that I'll also say is it's important for me on Sundays to really look back on my week and reflect what went right, what went wrong and what would I do differently? And , um, I think that's a really important piece that we probably don't stop to do often enough.

Kathie:

Well, no, because we think that doing is our being when it's really not our being, being as our being and doing is just a result of, of who we are.

Joya:

Yeah. So we don't need to make some remain stagnant, per se. What we can do is actually start to expand our story. And I was , uh, looking at Byron Katie's four questions yesterday, which is isn't true. So, you know, if, if a script that comes up is I'm a failure, or I can't raise a hundred million dollars for my company. Well, is that statement true? Can you absolutely know it's true. What happens when you believe that thought, you know, is there like a pit in your stomach, does your whole energy center fall? And then here's the most important part? Who would you be without that thought?

Kathie:

These are great questions. And , and here's the one thing I love, what you , you, you were making reference to , um, can you absolutely know it's true? And it true. It may be true in the moment, but it may not be true forever along the , the integrity line of our lives. So if you start to believe it's true forever, then of course, you're limiting the energy around that. And that's important to understand how you see that in the moment.

Joya:

So it's, I, I can't raise a hundred million dollars for my business yet.

Kathie:

Yes.

Joya:

I haven't put the focus or the time or the energy in it. But the point here is that rather than get defeated or defensive, because of the story you're telling yourself, how can you get curious and ask some questions? And you have some great questions around this.

Kathie:

Yeah. These questions I thought are important. It's all about the self-awareness because really everything starts with us. And the internal questions we ask ourselves, people think it's all about the questions outside of herself, but it really smarts with what we ask . So here, here are the four key questions, and it talks a lot at the back end of this, about capacity. Do you know, what's limiting you and your story? What is it that's limiting you within your story that you're telling. Um, now we know that your gender who you were born to your birthday, things like that, that's it. We can't change that. There's N there's really no reason to change that next one is, are you aware of the possibilities outside of your story? I think, you know, as we get more global and we are global, that the opportunities for everything are much more , um , wide and has a deeper breath. Are you aware of what that might look like for what your dream is? What your will is? I will be a president. Will I be president of a little company here in , in my little hometown or a global company? Um, and who are your mentors, your sponsors and your support team . This is extremely important. What you want to do is absolutely make sure you have a mentor, someone who can say to you, here's what I see help you get rid of what we call the blind spots in your life and help you shine sponsors of those that once you are shining, they help you get to where you're going, because they're going to support you. And then even your personal support team at home. Um, and your friends, are they behind you? Are they the ones you can go to for support? What, and the last question is what are your capacities for change? And are you increasing them in your stories, your emotional capacity? Are you working on that? Um , your thinking capacity, that is knowledge and intellect. Are you studying something that allows you to be , um, broader. People capacity? Are you building bigger networks and not only building bigger ones, but the right networks, very important capacity. Sorry , go ahead .

Joya:

You, You know, you talk about what's limiting you and your story. I think about Jen Sincero's book, 'You are a Badass at Making Money. And I heard an interview with her where she said that she was so married. She was so married to this old story of her being poor and broke and in debt. And she really needed to divorce herself from that story in order to be able to build that next chapter. And it forced me to really think about, gosh, what stories am I married to? And how is that limiting me? Um, and then the possibilities outside of my story, I'm reading another book that I went in vocare, which is called 'Creating Energy.' And it's an old book it's been around for ages, but it really asks the reader to think about your talents, your gifts. You know, we think about money, maybe if that's what you're wishing for coming to you from one place in one channel only. But if you leveraged all your unique gifts and talents, doesn't that open up a whole world of other ways that money could come in unexpectedly?

Kathie:

It's important . What you're referring to is also the fact that , um , we never know what's going to be in front of us when we start thinking differently. And when we, when we are looking at that in a broader scope, that all of a sudden we are attracted to new opportunities and we're attracted to different people. It makes you also the people , um , they know you well enough to get you to where you're going and to say you realize, you know, you're limiting your conversation about yourself?

Joya:

Yeah. We are the sum of the five people we hang around with. And then we're the sum of the five people who they hang around with. So that audit is important to me. Exactly. All right. Number five is what are they saying about you when you're not in the room? You should know. Um, I read , um, broker Ryan, Serhant, he is on that show. Um, millionaire, I don't know. One of those millionaire broker shows us on, he's written a book about big money, energy, and he talks about, you know, one of the ways to grow is to do a audit, go around and ask some of the people that are closest to you. You know, where am I? Where am I shorting myself? What am I doing wrong? Or what is it about me? That's just bloody annoying, you know, because if you don't know that you're going to keep going through life doing it, and who knows what you're missing out on.

Kathie:

Exactly. You know , uh, I remember different conversations from different people. And one was, I remember someone said, you gave up your power. And this was , um , actually two people said that my career, and the second time it really hit me because the first time I was like, what do you mean? And I took it seriously. Second time. I was like, oh God, I fell back. I defaulted back into that. But the other, the other, you know , other point that I remember it distinctly, as someone said , um, you're, "You are a force to be reckoned with." And that shows that once I'm on a roll, you know, when I want to get something accomplished or accomplish something in my life, I move forward and I figure out how to do it. And I let very little get in my way .

Joya:

Absolutely. And you know, going back to your point about , um, you know, our mentors and sponsors, your mentor is probably in the room with you and they're giving you feedback and talking to you, your sponsor is probably talking about you when you're not in the room to other stakeholders and other people that they can make introductions too . So that's an important thing to understand. What are people saying about you when you're not in the room, especially your mentors and your sponsors.

Kathie:

Perfect. Yeah .

Joya:

I love this story that you say about Thomas Edison and his mom.

Kathie:

I actually use this in Mindset Matters, which is a , a of course I do up at Seton hall. And , uh , when Thomas Edison was a little boy, he came home with a letter and he handed it to his mother. And on the letter , um, the , basically it said that she's , she read it out loud and it said, your son is a genius. This school is too small for him and does not have enough good teachers for training him. Please teach him yourself. Many years later, after his mother died , um , he was looking through old family things and he found the letter. He unfolded that letter and he read it. And here's what it really said. Your son is addled. Meaning mentally ill. We won't let them come to school anymore. Edison cried. His reaction was he cried for hours. And then he wrote in his diary, Thomas Alva Edison was an adult child that by hero mother became the genius of the century,

Joya:

Such a lesson in really parsing out what you do and don't listen to. Right? Yeah. And who believes in you? Yeah, Michelle Obama also had somebody that was a naysayer in her life.

Kathie:

Yeah. Her guidance. She wanted to go to Princeton. She always did. And she went to her guidance counselor at the end of her junior year, getting ready to go into the senior and master guidance counselor to help her get into Princeton, do everything they needed. And the person basically said, you know, maybe you should try someplace else. You'll never get in. And her comment was very simply that I will never let anyone else define my life.

Joya:

Yeah . Yeah. And she went on to do great things. I've heard her speak twice. I love these words that you end with they're words from Aristotle, which is about knowing yourself. I follow Joe Dispenza, who is somebody that talks a lot about how the body is complicit in what the mind is imagining for itself. And he, he's a big advocate for meditation, which is something we talked about at the very beginning of this podcast. But he's like "to meditate is to know thyself." And I feel like that's germane to this.

Kathie:

And you know, I'm also one of his biggest fans , um, right now. And he says, "knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." So begin to create your own powerful stories about yourself and the confidence and leadership.

Joya:

I love this episode cafe. So our five tips on Drink Like a Lady, which is designed to get women leaders, a seat at the bar and a seat in the boardroom, how you can change the stories we tell ourselves. All right, what's happening in episode 11?

Kathie:

We're going to talk about self care and how it's important as leaders to really look at that as an, as is an important part of leadership, because we also, people are looking at us , um , and what a great way to start it. Um, and get some tips right before the summer.

Joya:

Why are we as women so keen to put our self on the back burner? I literally just had a conversation with someone who is running a restaurant. In fact, it's the restaurant I'm in right now here, the clinking in the background. And she just blatantly says, she's like, my self-care is the thing that gets pushed to the back burner. Always.

Kathie:

Yeah, well we're nurturers, but in , um, by generational , uh , stories that are pushed forward, that we're here to nurture everybody else, but the person we need to nurture is also ourselves. So we can be bigger and better for other people. Kathie,

Joya:

Great time with you. If anyone wants to work with you, you're a business strategist. How do they get ahold of you?

Kathie:

They can call me directly (609) 933-7600 or at my e mail, [email protected]

Joya:

Absolutely. And my email is [email protected] joyadass.com (2 s's) I work with corporate women who are in transition and they want to be able to build their personal brand inside the confines of their work. And they just don't know where to start with telling those stories. So I would love to work with you. You can always email me at [email protected] All right, Kathie, we're going to do it all again next week. And maybe you'll actually be able to see me this time.

Kathie:

That would be lovely as always have a great day. Take care, take care of you .