Season 3 Episode 11: Three Steps to Installing Self-Care Into Your Regimen as a Leader

American entrepreneur and author Jim Rohn said  "Your level of success will rarely exceed your level of personal development." With the demands of family, work, kids, home schooling,  self-care and personal development gets siloed to the back burner.

What if we flipped the paradigm?
What if we worked harder on ourselves?
So when we do show up for

• Immediate Family
• Extended family
• Work
• Side hustles
• Kids

We show up with our best-selves. We're more *effective* as leaders.

Imagine that.

In episode 11 of Drink Like a Lady, our final episode of Season 3, we talk about the steps you can take to reinstate self-care ---and what it looks like.

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Transcript

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Joya 0:03

Kathie. It is our final episode of this season. And we are talking about one of my favorite topics on drink, like a lady today. How are you?

Kathie 0:12

I'm doing good. It's a perfect day to talk about this. Absolutely.

Joya 0:16

I am just coming off of a extreme self-care weekend. I went to a yoga retreat ostensibly to go and follow a yoga teacher that I used to follow when I lived in my old neighborhood, but the extreme amounts of meditation and yoga and just downtime and lack of options just made me come back with so much focus on my business that I really need to figure that in more. And I know we're going to be talking about that on today's episode. Absolutely. So it is Episode 11, Season 3 of Drink Like a Lady, which is designed to get you as a female leader, a seat at the bar and a seat in the boardroom. And we have picked self-care as our final topic because you have a , a story about Arianna Huffington.

Kathie 1:00

Yes. Um, I've always been involved in women's leadership programs and we invited her to come in to New York for a women's , uh, at , uh , fit it's , uh , the Fashion Institute of technology. So she came in and she talked to us. And the first thing she talked about was that we as women put work, family, others business, all of our other commitments besides before ourselves. And she was at the height of her career, building up the Huffington Post, which then became the HuffPost . And she said, you must absolutely make daily choices, including sleep, you know, socialization, physicality, all of that. And , um, I walked away and I never forgot that. I , I, not that I I've done it every day since, but certainly it's been sitting in, in my mind that this is so important.

Joya 1:49

And because we play all those roles, right? And mother wife, daughter daughter-in-law system , your

Kathie 1:55

Boss direct report. If we don't show up

Joya 1:59

Having taken care of number one first, we really, truly can't do justice to the other roles that we play in other people's lives. And so that simple paradigm shift is something that I think is interesting because the most people I know probably throw self-care on the back burner because that is what we've been conditioned to do.

Kathie 2:18

And especially as servant leaders , what we do is we believe that we always have to be on. And , um, uh, recently I realized that this whole segment and I laughed when I put down seven o'clock, cause I don't know , you know, we're gonna talk about what to do at seven o'clock in the morning and at night, but you know, finally a turn off switch, especially with COVID, there was no turn off switch because we needed that interaction with others.

Joya 2:42

So we're going to offer you our three steps. If you are considering putting self care back into your regimen, as a leader, we're going to offer you some ways that you can do that. And it sounds like step number one is to really take inventory of your life and of your, and there's some breakdown

Kathie 3:00

Here. So it's, you , you pull it out into four different areas, one being physical. Are you moving enough? And I know this is the one thing, once I sit down in the morning, I think, oh, I'll get so much done. And then the moving part really becomes secondary to everything else. That is why I literally keep a pair of weights beside my desk. And when I go, oh yeah, I'm supposed to be moving. I do some weight exercises, even if I have a dress on , um , or dress. Um, and then the feeding of the body, this is really, really important , uh , for us to really be very conscious of the food that we put in there is where I have such great willpower that, you know , uh, sometimes I even, I have to find sometimes I don't really even feed myself enough. So , um, but I'm very conscious of every nutrition that goes into my body. Emotional is second. Uh , what are we doing to manage their stress levels? We've talked about this in the past few episodes in terms of burnout, stress, how do we manage that as well? And , um, one of the things is are we forgiving ourselves? We were very good to forgive other people, but are we forgiving ourselves? Are we being kind to ourselves and others, next is social. Are we socializing? You know, it's important too, because we are human beings and we need to be social that's, that's how we're made up as well. Um, and one of the things I do is I try to really stay focused on being with very positive people. And that's why I think our relationship has worked. We've looked for, even in the tough times, look for positivity. The last thing is spirituality. And it sounds like you had a lot of that this weekend, too . Um, taking time alone, meditating, yoga, Pilates, nature, journaling, all of that. Those are the four areas of which you should take inventory.

Joya 4:44

It's interesting that you talk about forgiveness because I am probably not very forgiving of a lot of people in my life and in , in self-reflecting I realize that I'm probably also not very forgiving of myself. So that was an interesting paradigm shift for me to make that when you said that forgiveness, I was like, oh, I am not forgiving. All right. Step number two is to ask yourself, do I have balance? Really to look back at these four areas, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual, and ask yourself, do you maybe have too much or too little of one? And so you're out of whack?

Kathie 5:20

And that's important because you know, when you're balanced, it's, it's think about it as, as anything else being balanced. Whether, you know , it's a piece of wood, it's your life . You feel better when everything is balanced. And so it's important that, you know, sometimes I know that, you know, we tend to socialize here between my husband and I quite a bit. And then I go, okay, you know, we're off on Sunday afternoon after four o'clock we've had enough. Um , and it's not because we don't want to be with people, but it's actually because we need the, I need, and I know he does too. That time alone. We're time together.

Joya 5:53

Yeah, absolutely. All right. So now step three is really getting into meat of our , uh, of our podcast today. Episode 11 of drink, like a lady, which is if you were considering how you're going to exactly put self-care back into your regimen. Here are some ideas. And number one is to turn off your phone. One of my members earlier this week, actually last week at a dinner said she turns off her router in our house for two hours. So she could do deep work much to her husband's chagrin, but she's like, I just , I need everything. All the notifications off and the only way I'm going to do it is by getting the wifi cutoff for two hours.

Kathie 6:30

Wow. That I love that. I mean, that , that really makes you stick to your guns in terms of , uh, of having a cutoff period. I love it. There was a collective gasp that went up at the dinner. They were like, Ooh.

Joya 6:40

So you say that you turning off your phone after 7:00 PM. Why it's important ?

Kathie 6:52

I don't know. I just think that it's a time of which my cycle of my day ends. Um, you know, it's, we've, we've done all of our due diligence outside of the home. We're starting to cook dinner. It's time. We also, we sit and have dinner together almost every night. Um, and we do that with the phones , not with us. So, you know , if the phone rings and we always say, if it's one of the kids, you know, they'll find us, it it'll be fine as well, but yeah , it is important. And then I went back to also not turning the phone on before a seven , um, you know, giving you a full 12 hours. It doesn't mean I don't look at it once in a while if I'm up early, but certainly , um, it gives you some , uh , boundaries under which to work.

Joya 7:36

That dovetails nicely into the next one, which was , don't bring your devices--phone included--into the bedroom and limit television.

Kathie 7:47

And, you know, media is just with everything going on. Obviously with COVID, there was all these negative conversations , uh , in the news. Um, and the TV shows. There's a lot of, I find that my husband is drawn to , uh, ex uh, suspense and , um, you know, who's killed this one, you know, all of that . I'm not watching that kind of TV before I sleep . Um, but it really does make a difference in , in your whole psyche once you start to limit it. Um, and there've been nights like I don't, we don't even put the TV on at all anymore.

Joya 8:20

And I'm going to a little bit of science here because those vices, whether it be your phone or TV are actually activating a chemical in your brain, which is what gets you to wake up in the morning and what you really need to be activating as you're trying to wind down is melatonin, which is why you had blue shades on like Kindles and things, right? Because what you don't want to do, if you're reading right before you go to bed is to have your body start getting wound up and producing the chemical that wakes you up. Um, the other thing is that I think that right before you go to bed and right, when you wake up are some of the most powerful times for you to manifest things that you want, your subconscious is working on that overnight. So rather than fill it with the documentary about Charles Manson, you know, could you maybe fill it with, you know, what it is that you want to have happen ? So your brain can work on it while you're sleeping.

Kathie 9:10

And I think that's a great point that this is all now coming out more scientifically proven. Um, people used to think, oh no , there's no science behind it, but the whole wellness industry is growing dramatically. And all of these are best practices. Yeah.

Joya 9:24

Your brain goes into a state called theta waves. There's alpha, there's delta and theta and theta is that in-between time before you really go into a deep sleep. And that's really when you're able to kind of rewire your subconscious. Right . Um , so the next one is don't answer emails during your rest period at night, give yourself room to think and recover. I would love for you to say that to my partner, who is writing to Paris at three hours, three in the morning, because that's when they're up.

Kathie 9:53

And I used to do that cause I was working with a partnership over in Denmark. But what you need to do is if that's the case, if you are shifting your whole day , um , and I'm talking about Eastern standard time right now, then you need to shift it all so that you at least get eight to 12 hours of what I call recovery periods as well. Um, because we, we become mechanical and, and in that mechanics, we make errors and I know I've done it, you know, sent the wrong email and forwarded something I should not have done as well, but really tried to think about what the answer might be rather than thinking you need to be on all the time.

Joya 10:29

Technology is wonderful, but it also sort of leads us to believe that we have to be stimulated all of the time. So if self care is going to be front and center, what do we do with our technology?

Kathie 10:41

Well, and that's the whole point. The point is that what technology is supposed to have done is save us time. And what it has done is actually robbed us , uh , rural and personal time. So that's thing to think about when , uh, when you're looking at your phone and, you know, sometimes like yesterday I ran out , um, to do an errand and I forgot my phone. And before a few months ago I would get nervous and I was like, oh my God, I won't have my phone. It's okay. It's actually good. It's yeah .

Joya 11:08

Yeah. And what did we do before that? We actually looked at maps and things. Schedule alone time. I'm a big fan of this. I remember being on vacation in Tulum with a group back in December. And there was a time where I just like pulled off from everybody and just went and sat at a cenote, which is like a spring, for two hours because I was like, this vacation is just exhausting me right now. I need some time alone to hear myself and think.

Kathie 11:35

And it's important, you know, really to create your own relationship with yourself. Uh , and that alone time allows you almost like to say to , to reflect on maybe what you need, you know, what you enjoy. I mean, I was sitting here about 10 minutes prior to this. And one of the things we're going to talk about is, you know, taking a look, this, the clouds in the sky and in the office, I have, I could actually see the clouds going by and I thought, oh, what a great way to preempt what we're going to talk about today.

Joya 12:05

Yeah. There's times when there's just a solution to a problem that's alluding you and you just have to create space for that to bubble up. I'm a big fan of like, the answers are all within you, but you have to create space for it to come up. And so if you're not doing that alone time, when in your very busy, forced schedule, are those answers ever going to have time and space to transpire.

Kathie 12:26

And, and interestingly, you know, this idea about decision making , we've had to make a lot more decisions daily during this whole COVID and even personal decision. Do I wear a mask? Do you know, when do I get vaccinated? Do I go out--all of this? And now we're getting out of that. And it's even in my case, you know, how do I open up facilities , um, based on COVID and what are the rules, what capacity and all of this. So that decision making also wears you down. It really wears you down. So that time alone to reflect on all of that is so integral in terms of, well , what we're calling self care today,

Joya 13:02

Meditation is a tough one. I will tell you that it took me years to finally embrace it and get into it, but that monkey mind can trump it every single time. So why is meditation important in business Steve jobs? I remember went off to India to learn how to meditate for six months, but he said that to your earlier point about decisions, you make so many decisions all day long that you need them .

Kathie 13:23

Yeah. And what I tend to do sometimes knowing I might have a busy days, I tend to, before you even get out of bed, I tend to go into a meditative state. Um, because then , um , you know, I'm very much about once I'm up, I'm out and moving things, you know, making things happen in the world. That's how my mind works. So the meditation piece allows us to bring a calmness in and it allows us to actually go to a deepened level of thinking a higher level of thinking , uh , optimum. So it's important. The other thing is meditate right before you go to sleep as well. You know, the peace and all of that. Um ,

Joya 13:58

Self-awareness muscle, you know, when you feel like you're starting to lose it, or you feel like, you know, anger is the natural response, maybe you'll pause before you let loose.

Kathie 14:09

I think that's a good point. That's for sure.

Joya 14:12

Starting a compliments file for yourself. I love this one. I call it a brag book, but life is going to kick you down, inevitably. It always does. But what can you in that moment, or if you're going into an important meeting, have a book of your accomplishments that kind of gets the good Juju flowing through your brain.

Kathie 14:30

I tend to be a person that I don't sit here and take inventory of my accomplishments. I , I never have. It's like, okay, I've done this next done this next. And when I, when I read this years ago, I thought, what a great way, a first of all, if you're interviewing for something to t ry to have it ready for you, but also there are days when people are just out all of their, let's say anger, frustrations, y ou k now, whatever that may be on you and you sit back and think, you know, what am I doing? What have I done? U m, in a n I find there are certain situations. Recently, people are very quick to complain and I still have to be nice to them? U h, but certainly I r ealized that I'm able to be professional and do it with style.

Joya 15:17

Someone said to me last week, I think it was my business mastermind that we don't as women s topped to really celebrate our wins. And the thing is t hat w e're not stopping to celebrate our wins and being happy in this moment and always being forward-looking. Then we're never going to really galvanize all that good energy for the future to transpire. So it's so important to celebrate what's r ight. A lready h appened.

Kathie 15:38

I agree with you. Um, and being in the present moment, if you've been there , uh, and you can stay there. It's a very powerful one .

Joya 15:46

The next tip is to take a walk in nature. I've actually heard this a couple of times. I think the first time I saw it was , um, I think , uh , Reid Hoffman, who's the founder of , of LinkedIn. I want to say wrote , uh, a blog in Inc. Magazine. And he said, you know how to be productive when you're stuck at home in this pandemic with kids and dogs and homeschooling and all this and that. And one of his things that he said was you got to build in 15 minute breaks, but one of those breaks should be just going and taking a walk in nature. It's not doing the dishes.

Kathie 16:15

And that's why birdwatching has become so important during this period of time. People who , um , taking a look at, out in their backyard, put up bird , you know , houses, this and that. They have learned that the nature really brings us beauty. Uh, I'm working on reading a buy read all the time, as you know , um, The Universal Human by Gary Zukav. And it's talks about the beauty of our world is right there out in front of us. Um, and we really should be out there looking for it as well. I feel

Joya 16:42

I love being barefoot in the grass and just being close to the ground. There's something really energizing about that. Um , you mentioned this earlier, but choosing someone positive to hang out with, I'm a big believer that you are the sum of the five people you surround yourself with. In fact, I'll go one step further and say, you're also some of the five people they hang out with. So why are positive people and important way to pave the path to self- care?

Kathie 17:06

Well, because what they'll do is if they see something in you that you may need and you trust them, and you know that they're going to give you something of a positive , um, communication about yourself, you can then bring it in into yourself and look at it. Um, and I know that , um, I think I told you when I finally realized I hit a wall about a month ago, someone who I know cares for me said, you've hit a wall. And the fact that this woman said it to me and was so positive in the way she said, it allowed me to look at myself and become really self-aware at the time. And once again, go into a different mode of operate operations.

Joya 17:45

Feedback is such a gift. And so rarely do people actually give it when they do. I think of it as a gift, good or bad. And the last one is asking for help when you need it and when you want it.

Kathie 17:56

So I love this story. I put together a women's group. It was , uh , under the stars and because a lot of women haven't been together. We, we met over at a pool and we had a bartenders, you know, three guys came and did bartender and open bar. It was really fun. Um, and as they introduced themselves and they talk , there's two things, but this is last week, they talked about, you know, what would they be if they were not human, but as they left, I asked each woman to ask for something they either want or needed. And it was lovely because each woman did. And then what I saw was them interacting with each other afterwards saying, I can do this, or, oh yeah . I'd love to, you know, you're a tennis pro and you you'd love to teach. I'd love to learn tennis. And it was wonderful to connect through , through the opportunity to talk about wants and needs. And , uh , it was great.

Joya 18:54

I end each of my peer mentoring calls by asking who do you need to be connected to? Because that to me is a very pointed way for people to ask for help.

Kathie 19:02

Exactly. That's perfect. Yeah. Great .

Joya 19:06

We are rounding up Season Three, any reflections as we look back on this season, which was really to look about, look at the opportunities that the pandemic presented.

Kathie 19:16

Yeah. I think it was a very important season because we now are going back into , um , a world that we thought would be the same when we left, but it's not. And that's what we're really talking about going, what are some of the new trends and how is that going to impact us and how do you go back in and feel really good about , um , how you're going to navigate the new trends in business and your personal life? All right .

Joya 19:39

Well, we're heading into a holiday weekend. So reflection and reverence for yourself is what I think you said the weekend should be about in light of what we just talked about.

Kathie 19:48

Exactly. Exactly. Thank you. Joy. It's always a pleasure. I love it.

Joya 19:52

If anyone wants to work with you or get in touch with you, how do they, they get ahold of you?

Kathie 19:57

They can call me directly , um, at (609) 933-7600 or my email, which is posted stuartkathie@gmail.com

Joya 20:07

I am currently filling for my next public speaking masterclass, which is designed for women in corporate that are transitioning. Maybe you've got a promotion. Maybe you've got a whole new team and you just need to be able to command that room. And I'm going to teach you how to do it. And the start date for that next masterclass is September 29th. And we are enrolling now, Kathie. So if you know anyone, send them my way,

20:28

I will definitely do that. All right, you have a good holiday. We'll see you, you too. Take care.