10 Tips to Successful Female Leadership with Tiffany Dufu

Tiffany Dufu joins Joya in a discussion of 10 things women leaders can do to develop their leadership and grow their influence.

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Transcript

[00:00:00.00] - Speaker 1

On it. So from my perspective, my life is fairly simple. I know what's on my tombstone, and I'm just project managing my life backwards. Right now I feel really lucky that I get to execute my purpose with all of you for the next hour. So I'm really excited about it. I was just telling Joya that sometimes when as a founder, you start a company, you have a passion and a mission, and then you can quickly become diverted by this thing called operations. And over the past couple of weeks, I've had the opportunity to either speak or engage with or exchange stories with women. And it's just been so inspiring to remind me why we started all of this to begin with. I wrote a book called Drop the Ball because I used to be someone who was pretty much paranoid about dropping balls. For me, dropping the ball used to be something that was terrible to do. It meant that I was failing to take timely action, that I was disappointing myself and my expectations for myself, that I was disappointing my family, my community, my workplace. And as dramatic as it might sound for some of you, maybe not so much, I felt like I was disappointing an entire race of people, as if They'll never hire another black person again if I screw this up.

[00:01:19.05] - Speaker 1

That's how I genuinely used to feel. And so it wasn't that I came up with some amazing strategy for how to drop the ball. That is not how this book unfolds. What happened was that I reached a point in my own life where I could no longer keep all of the balls in the air. I've spoken to a lot of women for whom their moment could be something different than mine. My moment was the birth of my first child. Something about motherhood sent me pretty much over the edge and ball started dropping left and right. I've spoken to women for whom it was a diagnosis. I've spoken to women for whom it was actually a leadership role. They finally got the promotion of their dreams and discovered it's a lot harder to be the boss than you thought it was when you weren't the boss. Right now, I'm ministering to a lot of women for whom this crisis is their drop the ball moment. And so once the balls were just honestly all over the floor, I had this realization. I call them Tiffany's Epiphanies, which was that the world didn't end. All of the things that I was terrified would happen if I ever dropped a ball, none of them happened.

[00:02:34.24] - Speaker 1

No one came to read me my Miranda rights because I hadn't paid any of those tickets for not moving the car for alternate side parking. I didn't get fired for my job. No one called me to tell me that they didn't love me anymore because I wasn't a good friend or a good family member. And so I decided at some point to reappropriate the term once I started to question myself about why was it that you felt so much to have so many balls in the air so brilliantly and so perfectly to begin with. And now for me, dropping the ball has a whole different connotation, which is really what the book reflects and what the title reflects, which is for me, dropping the ball now means that I've released these unrealistic expectations that so many of us feel about having to keep it all together to begin with, that I figured out what matters most to me, what my highest and best use is in achieving what matters most to me, and that I figured out how to meaningfully engage other people in my life in a way that I really didn't before because I made a lot of assumptions about people in my life and what I thought they could do for me and how they could help me.

[00:03:44.04] - Speaker 1

But just learning how to be really intentional about having courageous conversations with people that has gotten me to this point. So I will say that it's been a journey and it's been a long journey. I dropped the ball about 10 years ago now. And it's like yoga. It's a practice. So I have a lot of drop the ball flexibility. But I'm really excited to connect with all of you and to learn about your journey as well.

[00:04:13.24] - Speaker 2

Tiffany, your mother once said to you that if you want something that you've never had, you have to do something that you've never done.

[00:04:20.15] - Speaker 1

Yes, absolutely. So my parents were from a community in LA called Watts. I don't know if any of you are familiar with Watts in LA, but Suffice it to say in the mid 1970s, Watts was a really rough place and it was a rough time. My mom found out she was pregnant when she was 19. She didn't really know anything other than the environment that she was in. But she had an uncle who was an army recruiter. And she would see the uncle come and go. And she basically went to her uncle and said, this guy that's got me pregnant, he's got to marry me and we've got to get out of here. And so according to my dad, the uncle was very intimidating. And I was born nine months later at Fort Louis Army Base in Tacoma, Washington, which is how I'm from the Pacific Northwest. My dad, he He virtually stayed out of trouble, but he was a product of his environment. And he was addicted to heroine at the time that I was conceived. And so he had to kick a heroine addiction to be able to pass the physical exam to get into the military.

[00:05:29.15] - Speaker 1

He had eventually went to college on the GI Bill, which is part of the reason why I'm a very proud American and why I feel that we really need to fight for policies and practices to really uplift people, because my parents were able to break a very vicious cycle of poverty and addiction and violence in one generation in this country, in large part because of those policies, but also because of that mantra that they taught me. So my dad eventually got a PhD in theology I grew up as a pastor's kid, literally in a nice house with a white picket fence around it. La was just a sad place because my parents would often leave us with the church community to go down and bury people. My dad's one of 13 brothers and sisters. He's the only boy who made it past the age of 45. And I really believe, Marion Wright-Edelman has this quote that a lot of people use, that you meant to be what you can't see. And when she gave that quote, she was largely referencing children. She was President of the Children's Defense Fund. So she was making a comment about how children really need to see positive role models in order for them to aspire to success.

[00:06:46.10] - Speaker 1

But my parents taught me that you can actually manifest things that you can't even imagine, that you can't even imagine. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter and I was having this sentimental conversation with my father in which I asked him, what did you hope for me when I was first born? Because I was sharing with him what I hoped for this child. I didn't actually know that it was going to be a girl, but I was very excited. And he got really quiet. And he admitted to me. He said, baby, I'm embarrassed of my answer to the question. And I said, how could you be embarrassed? It had to have been something positive. What father looks at their newborn child and doesn't think of something positive. And he said it was positive. He said, it's just that when you were born and I held you for the first time, he said, my greatest hope was that you would graduate from high school and not get pregnant. He said, the woman that you've become, the woman that you are now that I'm talking to, I didn't even know women like you existed. When I looked at you for the first time, he said, I just hoped.

[00:07:59.23] - Speaker 1

I just hoped. So I believe that all of us have our journey. When we're very ambitious, then we often have a plan that we have laid out for how things are going to go. But I think it's also important. And I think women of color, in particular, because we often tend to be women who are grounded in spirituality in some way, in community, in culture, also have a sense that there's something beyond the plan. And certainly that was a part of my drop the ball journey.

[00:08:34.20] - Speaker 2

How do you leverage a mentor and how do you leverage a sponsor? A lot of folks here are looking to do one or the other. What would be your advice around that?

[00:08:43.15] - Speaker 1

Yes. So I didn't dish her up these questions, by the way. She's done her research. She knows what I really care, what I'm very passionate about. So the first thing that I'll say on the mentor sponsor front is to really understand the difference between the two. I am the cumulative investment of a lot of people who have poured themselves into me. Part of that has to do with the fact that I was a bit... Sometimes if we don't feel like we have what our peers have, we try to overcompensate. And when I was a young professional, I noticed that some of my peers that had what I might call now pedigree, meaning that they went to Ivy League schools or they had parents who spend their capital to support them, to make introductions for them. I saw the benefit of that as a young professional. And because of what I just explained to you, I really didn't have some of that. I went to all public schools. My father became very esteemed in our local community, but he certainly didn't have the capital to be able to support me in a lot of ways. And so I figured out really quickly that if someone opens a door for you, if someone takes a vested interest in you, they open a door and you run through the door.

[00:10:01.19] - Speaker 1

You don't walk, you don't hop, you don't skip, you run like your life depends on it. That person has a name for that. They'll start calling you a superstar. Tiffany is such a superstar. Do you know Tiffany? And they will begin to think of you and keep you top of mind for opportunities. And they will invest themselves into you in large part because they know that they're going to get a return on their investment. And for me, as someone who's life's work is advancing women and girls, that's my greatest argument for why you should give my company money, why you should make an introduction for me, why you should give me advice or insight is by doing so, you will not only be making a difference for me, you will be making a difference for all of the women that I plan to touch in my life. Because remember, I already know what's on my tombstone. Early on, I didn't know that these people were called mentors or sponsors. The people who I would call mentors, I used to call them my sages. Mentors are people whose primary value is in what they say to you when you're in the room with them.

[00:11:07.14] - Speaker 1

These are people who help you to achieve clarity through guidance and encouragement. An amazing mentor spends less time giving you advice and a lot more time asking you questions in order to help you do that. They don't have to be affiliated with your industry. One of my most powerful mentors was my uncle Kenny, who I had to read my entire book. I had to read my entire book to uncle Kenny before he died because he never learned to read. And he wanted to know what I was writing in this book. But he was very wise beyond his years. And he knew me very well. So when I would share with Uncle Kenny what my challenges and what my problems were, he would say, we were here a couple of years ago. And this is what I learned. I think it's very important to have mentors who are like that in your life and can help you to achieve clarity. And they don't have to look the same as you. They don't have to be the same as you. They don't need to be in your industry. They do need to be people who have been around the block a few more times than you have and who know you well enough that they're going to speak their truth to you, even when it's not comfortable, even when you may not like it.

[00:12:19.23] - Speaker 1

But they're not people who are sponsors. Now, sponsors are people who actually spend their capital on you, oftentimes in a public way. The primary And the primary value of a sponsor is in what they say to you, sorry, what they say about you to other people when you're not in the room. And usually you're not going to be in the room because it's a room where they're making decisions about who's going to advance, who's going to move forward. You're not going to be in that meeting. But you better best believe if you do not have someone in that room throwing their body on the table for you, you will not be the one to advance. And those of you who are in those meetings and in those rooms know exactly what I'm talking about. Because you know how challenging sometimes it is for you to be a sponsor for someone else. A sponsor does not need to know the good, the bad, the ugly. They just need to know you're incredible, you're amazing. And they need to have clarity about what you're their next step is so they know how to advocate for you. Mentors are, I think, a lot easier to recruit because there really is outside of their time and their investment in you, there's not so much sweat off their back.

[00:13:30.07] - Speaker 1

In other words, if you don't perform or do what a mentor asks you to do or advises you to do or encourages you to do, nobody else is going to know. A sponsor is very different. If a sponsor says, I really think that Tiffany should be in this leadership role, I think that she could add enormous value. When they say that publicly in a meeting with a bunch of people and then you don't deliver, that's a reflection on them. And so you manage those people differently. I think we only need a few key sponsors in our life, usually when it is clutch time in our careers to really help us advance, I think we could use a lot more mentors to get us through. Is that helpful?

[00:14:14.16] - Speaker 2

Yeah, absolutely. I think it's great that the mentor is who's in the room with you and a sponsor is usually what they're saying when they're not in the room with you. And I love that distinction. One of my favorite stories that I heard you tell was to your daughter. She really wanted to see the newest Marvel comics movie, and she had waited patiently for you to have time in your schedule to do it. And you got the movie tickets and the popcorn and everything, and you're in the theater. And then what happened? Because there's an important takeaway that you share that I still think about to today.

[00:14:44.04] - Speaker 1

Yes. Okay, so there's more to that story. So I have an 11 year old daughter. I have a 14 year old son, and I'm married to a man. I'm straight. So I have a husband. So it's like two guys and two girls. You in our family. And it was actually the guys. My daughter does value Marvel, but it was really the boys that wanted to go see this movie. And it was the Avengers. They would die that I could barely even know who the Avengers are. But either way, it was the Avengers. And I was into it because one of the quirky things about me is that my favorite superhero is the Incredible Hulk, which is like a whole nother conversation that we could have. So I was I was looking forward to the movie, but we get into the movie theater. We got our... Yes, we got the popcorn, we got the tickets, we sit down. And the opening scene to this movie, if any of you ever saw this movie from a few years ago, is quite violent. The whole opening scene, it's almost as if you descend on the end of the first movie or something.

[00:15:53.05] - Speaker 1

And maybe you had to have seen the previous movie, but they're basically at war from the very beginning. The incredible Hulk dies, which is devastating to me, within the first five minutes of this movie. And it's just slaughter after slaughter after slaughter. And my daughter is like, her head is in my arm. She's just like, mommy, mommy. And I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God. And I just turned to the boys and I said, we're leaving. We're going. I was like, do you want to stay? She's like, I don't want to see this. I'm like, I really don't want to see this. And so we got up and left. And my daughter was very concerned about getting up and leaving. One, because we had already made an investment in this movie. We had already bought the ticket that we were abandoning. We have conversations with our kids about economics and about money. We had all We had already bought the popcorn. We had already let the boys know that we were going to go and we left the boys. So it's like we were letting them down. And I thought it was very interesting because I feel like there's lots of moments in my life, I think, in women's lives where we make an investment in something, and then we get to a point where we realize this was a mistake.

[00:17:12.05] - Speaker 1

Either this relationship was a mistake, or this role was a mistake or this boss was a mistake. This is not serving me. This is harming me. This is not healthy for me. And yet we can't... It's like my daughter. She knows that she shouldn't abandon because she's already made this investment. And I did. I said to her, honey, did you want to stay in that movie? She was like, no. I said, well, I didn't want to stay either. I said, do you feel like staying in that movie would have helped us? She was like, no, I was terrified. I was really scared. I said, exactly. I said, it doesn't matter how much investment you've made in something. If it's no longer serving you, if it's not healthy for you, if you're so I'm fearful of what it could... I said, you can leave. You can change your mind. You can decide enough is enough. And you can just get up and leave. If it's a job, if it's a relationship, if it's anything. And that was our lesson in the moment. Yeah. So by the way, we took our popcorn and we went home and watched another movie.

[00:18:22.19] - Speaker 2

Well, I'm a popcorn fanatic, so I'm glad that that got salvaged.

[00:18:25.12] - Speaker 1

Before I turn it over to questions, I want to ask you this.

[00:18:31.08] - Speaker 2

You said something that also stuck with me, that you need to differentiate between what you do and the difference that you make. What does that statement mean?

[00:18:40.08] - Speaker 1

Yes. Oh, this is so important. So I once did this time management workshop with about 80 women. And we actually didn't get very far in the time management workshop because the first exercise was for everyone to write down a list of all of the things that you expected to complete in an ideal day. And I said, write down every little thing. So if you wake up in the morning and you go to the gym, write that down. If you wake up in the morning like I did this morning and you just thought about how you could be exercising, but you're not, write that down because that takes 20 minutes sometimes. Getting dressed, walking a dog, getting other people ready, preparing for meetings, all the things until you can't think of anything else. And then I asked everyone to write down how long they felt it would take them to complete all these things. And to sum the bottom. And as I was walking around the tables as a facilitator, I had another one of my Tiffany's epiphanies because I noticed that not one woman had a sum that amounted to less than 24 hours. And some women didn't have sleep on their list because I had started with the beginning of the day and went to the end of the day and they didn't count, factor in the sleep.

[00:19:52.11] - Speaker 1

And they were already at more than 24 hours. And it really occurred to me that, wow, no wonder so many of us are feeling a lot pressure to do a lot and feeling like we don't have a sense of accomplishment. It's because in our minds, what we anticipate we could achieve in an ideal day is actually humanly impossible. So it would make sense that you would feel overwhelmed if you can't get it all done. And so that really led me on this path of trying to get clear about what is my highest and best use in order to really move forward what matters most to me, as opposed to just saying yes to everything that comes over the fence, because then I'm going to be doing a lot, but not necessarily making a difference. And I think one of the most powerful exercises you can do to really help hone in on this is a funeral visualization exercise that Stephen Covey made popular in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, where you imagine the future, which I think is very prescient right now, especially in the midst of this viral pandemic and this crisis.

[00:20:59.09] - Speaker 1

A lot of people are losing their lives. So it doesn't seem such a distant future for a lot of people right now. To really think about if a family member, a friend, a coworker were to stand up and eulogize you and to share with everyone about the impact that you've made, what would you want them to say? Would you want them to say, well, she got a lot of stuff on her to-do list. She slayed her to-do list. No, you'd want them to say something about the difference that you made in the lives of people. And so that mantra that what you do is less important than the difference you make is really a mantra for myself to remind me that even though I have a lot of things on my to-do list, in any given moment, I've got a phone call, I've got a Zoom call, I've got an email or a slack or somebody's hair to do or whatever it is that is busy working mom and citizens and partners we need to do, that ultimately getting really clear about what matters most to us and making sure that what we're doing is aligning with that, in the end, is going to be so much more important.

[00:22:05.15] - Speaker 1

And that's critical when you have to make tough decisions about how to spend your time.

[00:22:11.06] - Speaker 2

And time management is something that we have daily conversations about here at Lady Drinks. Oh, yeah. I'm going to start to introduce each person and have them ask a question, because I believe these conversations are so important. Someone could hear you on a YouTube interview, someone could hear you on a podcast, but actually having access to you is something that is rare. So I'm going to start with Ravel, who is Senior Recruitment Consultant at PPH, the umbrella company for Calvin Klein. And Tommy, he'll figure. Dejil, what is your question? Thank you for that, Tiffany. It was wonderful. So as I was listening to you, I was, I guess, internally assessing my life. And all of us are first-generation South Asian women.

[00:22:52.09] - Speaker 1

I was born and raised in this country. What advice would you give with the cultural implications that we have And Joya is writing a book of being that perfect Indian daughter, of balancing the cultural implications that we have of our parents coming to this country and not forgetting their roots and instilling that in us, but then still finding that balance of un, quote, Americanized. I'm in my late 30s and all my life I've ventured to do that. So trying to find the balance of that cultural implications and still not losing yourself in the moment? It's such a prescient question. Sorry. I know it's a little layered, but I was just assessing. It's just because I think people don't understand that for women of color, there's this larger... It's not just about you. It's not just about your nuclear family. It's about your people. And I think there's two parts of it. There's one part which is really recognizing. I think the challenge comes from being respectful and recognizing the shoulders that you stand upon, recognizing that your success that your path was helped, paved by people who came before you did. And really wanting to honor that and genuinely wanting to honor that, even if you may disagree with their opinions or their doctrine or there's still an aspect of how you were brought up that does not allow you to be disrespectful of where you came from.

[00:24:40.13] - Speaker 1

And I think that that's real and I think that that's valuable. And What I try to do is to think about the sacrifices that were made for me and how those would be squandered if I did not achieve the greatest impact in this lifetime for me, given what they did for me. I thought that's how I try to imagine it. And what that means is that sometimes I'm going to make decisions that my immediate family members, that my ancestors may think are baffling, may not even really understand. But knowing that my greater good will will be making an impact on the lives of women and girls, and that I will... That that's the legacy that I'm trying to move forward has been really helpful for me. So I think the first response is, you have to be centered in what matters most to you. Values that we have, there's a word called the G, where I call it the G word. Some people call it guilt. But it's so omnipotent that I've started referring to it as that. Guilt happens when you have values that you hold dear that are usually associated with your role, whether your role is good daughter, good wife, good worker, good manager, good sister, good student.

[00:26:15.13] - Speaker 1

We all have good in front of it because we're all ambitious enough that it's not sufficient just to be a daughter. We want to be a good daughter. And we have values that we associate with them. And then there are behaviors that we associate with those values. We have guilt. We feel bad when the behaviors don't align with the values. So if you are a mother who strives to be a good mother, and part of the value that you ascribe to that is being nurturing. The behavior that society associates with nurturing is physical presence, a lot of physical presence. And so if you, for example, work outside of the home and you don't have the ability to to devote a lot of physical presence to your children because you're traveling or you're flying, you begin to feel this dissonance of guilt because of the value. So the way to really manage that is for you to write your own job description for what it means to be a good anything, a good daughter, a good mom, a good citizen. And you've got to decide if these are the values that I hold dear, if nurturing is what I hold dear, what are the behaviors that I'm going to associate with that are related to what I how I want to demonstrate that that may be different from how my mother demonstrated it.

[00:27:35.13] - Speaker 1

It might be different from how my grandmother demonstrated it. But this is how I interpret nurturing in this century, in this time, in this moment for me and for my ability to create impact. So one of my disconnects was I grew up in a home with what I call a nonpaid working mom, because I think all moms are working moms. Some of us are compensated for our labor and some of us are not compensated for it. And my mother was a preacher's wife who was not compensated economically for her labor. And my hair was always perfectly cornrowed in the right direction. The dishes were always done. Our house was always perfectly And somehow I translated the value of nurturing to having a clean house when my mother had no cell phone, she had no boss, I mean, the demands on me in this new world are so different than the demands on her. So I think when she says to me, why do you have a nanny? Or why are you doing this? I say, mommy, I'm here to take what you taught me and to use it in order to make a difference for women and girls.

[00:28:49.11] - Speaker 1

Look how far I've gotten, mommy. Look at the book that I've read. Look at the women who are impacted by the work. That's because you invested in me in the best way that you could invest invested in me by doing my hair and making the dresses and making the sandwiches. And now I'm doing the best I can, mommy, to invest in Koffie and Aekua in a different way. And it looks different. But I promise you, I so appreciate everything that you did for me. And I'm trying to take that And I really want to build on it to create a legacy for our family. That's how I communicate it. Sometimes they still don't understand and they still don't get it. And I just smile and I just give her a kiss on the forehead and I tell her, I love her. What What else can you do?

[00:29:31.10] - Speaker 2

I love the idea of standing on the shoulders of those who have come before you. Shreya Meisha is a contemporary artist. She also has a family business that's in the wholesale diamond industry. Shreya, what is your question?

[00:29:45.11] - Speaker 1

Well, Tiffany, thank you. This has been so soulful. That's one word I can say. It's very soulful for a Monday morning. I'm so motivated. But one of my questions is, you spoke about this incident in the movie theater when you left. And my question is, there's a struggle between... Nothing comes easy, right? So you're always at that point of, should I leave? Should I not leave when you're doing something? Should I give up this project? Because it's just difficult and it's painful. But then What's that threshold that you would advise to cross? You know what I mean? To help you cross one way or the other way.

[00:30:23.09] - Speaker 2

What's the tipping point? What's the decision making point?

[00:30:25.24] - Speaker 1

I think part of it is the question that I my daughter, which I knew that she wouldn't really fully have the answer to. But it's a question about service. How is this going to serve you? Finishing the rest of the movie was not going to serve us. It was probably going to give us both nightmares, to be honest. It would have gotten us a lot of street cred with my son and my husband. They would have thought we were much cooler. So really, it's weighing what is the cost? What is the consequence of me staying in this situation. Now, if the upside is if I stick with this project and I figure out a way to push through and hit it out of the ballpark, then my equity in my company, for example, let's say, if it's in the workplace, is going to be high enough that I can leverage that in order to ascend potentially in the future and get a promotion, to get a raise, to build, to maybe identify someone who could be a sponsor, right? If they know that I've delivered on this, what is the upside? How would it serve me to push through?

[00:31:38.15] - Speaker 1

And then number two, how much time is it going to take? And what is my threshold for my own well-being, right? Which requires a level of self-awareness about how long it will take you to disappear. And it's hard to explain, but if any of you have ever been in any environment in which you've had to make yourself small in order to fit that environment, whether it was in a home, unfortunately, sometimes it happens in homes, in a workplace, lots of women of color end up feeling this way in a workplace. You have to make yourself smaller and contour yourself in order to be acceptable in order to fit in to what they think success really is. If you continue to do it for long enough, you continue to make yourself smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller, there's going to reach a point where you'll disappear. You will disappear. I've seen that point. And if any of you have experienced that with another woman or even with yourself, it's very painful. So I think the second really is having enough self-awareness to know at what point would you disappear? And making sure the timeline that it would take for you to just push through and deal with the BS and get it done.

[00:32:54.21] - Speaker 1

Is that going to push you past the point at which you disappear? Because if it does, it's not worth it. I can tell you it's not worth it. And disappearing manifestsates in all kinds of ways. I've seen the bruises of disappearing. I've seen the burnout of disappearing, the exhaustion. I've seen all the things that happens when we do too much. But you have to know yourself well enough to know at what point is that for you.

[00:33:26.13] - Speaker 2

So self-awareness is a huge piece of it. Yes. Deviani Ramnani is vice President of Our Brands Limited. So if you go into a Sacksaw Fifth or if you go to TJ Max, she creates the apparel that is white labeled and then has other labels on it. Deviani, what is your question? Hi, Tiffany. Thank you so much. This has been really wonderful. While listening to you so far.

[00:33:46.17] - Speaker 1

I heard you talk about manifestation a lot, and that's something that resonates with me.

[00:33:51.18] - Speaker 2

What are some tools and techniques that you use daily for manifesting?

[00:33:57.19] - Speaker 1

Very practical ones right now that we're in the midst of multiple pandemics that we're really dealing with. One of them is presence and really trying to remain present. So I use mantras. I've got this one. I write things down because I'm a writer and I use words. So there's one sitting next to me that says, you are your present. That's to remind me that not only am I my gift, but that I am the presence that I've been seeking and looking for I have this lavender oil that sits on my desk multiple times a day. I open it up when I think about what it means to manifest in me being clear and being able to be present in order to do it. And I put it on my wrist and I inhale at least three or four times just to clear my head. I have a difficult time with sleep because I work a lot and I have to really be disciplined about getting in the bed. The The last few weeks, I've been trying to just get 30 minutes more of sleep, which seems ridiculous, but it's like baby steps, right? So I normally had been going to bed at 1: 00 AM.

[00:35:09.24] - Speaker 1

And a couple of weeks ago, I created this mantra that 12: 30 is the new 1: 00 AM. At 12: 15, my alarm on my phone goes off and it's a song. It's Tina Turner's We Don't Need Another Hero. And when that song starts playing, that's my cue to get your behind in the bed because you have a lot to manifest. And if you don't have the energy to do this and to pull it off, you'll never be able to. Last week, I was getting an award. It's behind that thing from an organization And they had a poet, a spoken word poet, that I was reciting this amazing poem. And there was a line in her poem where she says that whenever you feel you're backed into a corner, just ask the ancestors to scream louder, to scream louder. And so I created I did this one for my manifestation. When I've gotten stressed for the past week, I just pull up, I hear you ancestors. I hear you. And I can get through it. So these are just some. I have many more, but these are just some of my little hacks, because for me, manifestation is not made in these big grandiose gestures.

[00:36:25.07] - Speaker 1

I get that. I'm happy for people who Who manifest in that way. I manifest just moment to moment. What is the decision that needs to happen now? Who are you lifting up now? What are you responding to in your inbox right now? When all of us end this and we go back to our email, there's going to be a bunch of unread messages. If you're doing anything positive in the world, you probably have a ton already that you haven't read. Which one do you open first? Which one do you answer first? That's how I think of manifestation in those moments. And that's how I try to manage myself in the moments in order to make it happen.

[00:37:04.24] - Speaker 2

And I know Devianne is reading Ekeratolle's book on being present now. So that was a very timely comment. Neha Desai Shah is the President and co founder of GEP. It's a digital procurement concern with an international footprint. Neha, I can't see you, but are you here? Would you like to ask a question? Okay, I'll move on. Navina Chhabria is a graphic design artist and an illustrator. Navina, what is your question?

[00:37:36.20] - Speaker 1

Hi, Tiffany. My question to you is, as somebody who's not necessarily privileged, and I don't have too many people making introductions for me, how do I recruit mentors? And how do I know when to run through that door? So I'm trying to think of a recent... Probably my most top of mind example of really needing a mentor, but also a sponsor, happened when I decided to raise capital for my company, The Crew. The Crew is a constellation of women committed to ensuring one another thrive. Our algorithm matches circles of women who collaborate to meet their life goals together. So it's like Weight Watchers, except it doesn't have to be a weight loss goal. They meet on a regular basis. They create goals for themselves and upload them. So it's this accountability platform. And I had gotten enough traction, meaning that I had enough women who had applied to the crew who wanted to be in the crew that I could not serve as if I didn't have more capital. So I decided that I needed to raise money. Well, if any of you know anything about female founders, women of color, female founders in particular, it's actually very, very difficult.

[00:38:55.21] - Speaker 1

Fortunately, I did not know how difficult it was when I decided to do this. Otherwise, I might have been intimidated and agreed to do it. But I would say three weeks into it, it became very clear I needed mentorship and I needed sponsorship. There just was no way. And you started off by saying that you don't necessarily have someone to make introductions. That's a huge part of the process in raising venture capital is it's very difficult to get the attention out of a VC without an introduction. And I looked at my network and it was obvious that there wasn't anyone who fit the profile of what I needed. And after a bit of research, it became clear what I needed. I needed a man who was white, who had spent some time in Silicon Valley, either as an operator or a founder, who had some capital and a solid reputation in that community. It needed to be someone who wasn't so absorbed with that right now that they couldn't take the time to invest in me because this would be my first rodeo. And I felt that it needed to be who had some experience with other that they could see me, that I wouldn't have to be proving myself to this person.

[00:40:07.22] - Speaker 1

They would get it in a way. So for me, that meant, I'm so happy I can be transparent in these conversations. For me, that meant either it needed to be a white guy that had been in the Peace Corps in some less developed country and had experience being other in that environment, or it was likely going to be a Jewish guy. And And I then spent the next few weeks searching for that person. You would have thought I was looking for another husband. People would invite me to an event, and I would say, oh, I would say, is this like... Because I get invited to a lot of events that are just for women. Is this a women-only event? They're like, well, yeah, It's like a women's thing. I'm like, I'm looking for a guy. Let me tell you what I'm looking for. Do you know someone who is white, is a man who spent the time, and I would go through the whole checklist and they would say, I can't think of anybody like that off the top of my head. But you know what? Now that I know what you're looking for, I'm going to really think about that.

[00:41:02.07] - Speaker 1

I'm going to keep that in the top of my head. And eventually, I got to a person who said, yeah, I actually know a guy who's just who's like that. That is him. And he just left Lyft. Lyft, he was an operator at Lyft. He just left Lyft. They're about to IPO. He probably has some time on his hands. I'm like, great. I would like to be his pet project. Can you make that work? So I would say you have to have some clarity about what What you want your next step to be, where you're going, so that you have some sense of the person that you feel could best support you and help you. When I described mentors, you already have access to mentors. I know that you do, because all of us have access to our versions of Uncle Hitties. What you might be looking for is someone who can really give you direction and guidance, either in a specific industry or to really help take your career to the next level. And I think having a very clear profile of what you need and what you want to manifest and putting that out there in a very specific way to every person that you encounter is going to get you what you really need than a general request, a general ask.

[00:42:18.01] - Speaker 1

They're out there. They're definitely out there.

[00:42:21.18] - Speaker 2

I love that level of specificity of what you're looking for is what you've got to broadcast every time you meet someone. I'm Anu Butt is an art curator. She curates art from the Far East for sale to Western patrons. Anu, what is your question?

[00:42:37.16] - Speaker 1

Hi, Tiffany. It's been very reflective just listening to you talk.

[00:42:45.11] - Speaker 2

My question is, how do you balance your family life with your work? You're obviously very driven, but I see that your family is very important to you as well. And that's something that I struggle with, too. One of the things I did pick up is working till 12: 30 in the morning. I don't keep those long hours, but if there are any tips in how one could balance the two and try and achieve some I guess, success in both.

[00:43:18.09] - Speaker 1

Yes. So I think the first thing is really being clear about what success means to you in any one of your roles. One of the things I think is fascinating about having Having had conversations with so many women, I pretty much say yes to every woman that reaches out to me. And so I've listened to a lot of women's stories is that even though we're born in different parts of the world, different families, different values, somehow we largely ended up with a very similar job description for what it means to be a good anything, back to those roles. And so I think the first piece is really getting clear about in my role, for example, with my family, I play different roles in my family. I'm the oldest daughter, which if you're the oldest daughter, that's a whole other different role. But let's say in a relationship to my kids, I'm a mom. And there are lots of perceptions about what a good mom is. I was exposed to them as well. Not only what I shared with you about my own mom, but I used to watch TV like a lot of people. I grew up on the Cosby show, so I was basically going to be Claire Huxtable when I grew up.

[00:44:26.01] - Speaker 1

I was going to have flowy feathered hair and perfect makeup and be really funny and have five perfectly well-behaved children, except for Theo in a few episodes and be college bound and make partner in the second season of my life or whatever she was able to crazily do. I watched advertisements, Choozy Mom's Choose GIF. All of these things give you a sense of what it means to play out that role. And part of the way that you become successful in the role is by ensuring that you're not living someone else it's a story about what success means for that role, but that you've redefined that role for yourself. So I take a combination of what matters most to me. So I did the funeral visualization exercise. I really got clear about three things. One of the things that matters most to me is raising conscious global citizens. By the way, the other two things are advancing women and girls and nurturing a really healthy partnership. When I ask women what matters most to them, they usually rattle off different parts of their life. My kids matter, my family matters, my career matters. What I'm really trying to get at is what you hope to achieve in relationship to what matters most.

[00:45:37.20] - Speaker 1

What I hope to achieve are conscious global citizens. My highest and best use, remember I referred to that earlier, is a combination of what you do extraordinarily well, combined with the things that only you can do, that it would be callous or irresponsible to delegate to someone else. One of the things I do really well with very little effort is help other people to achieve clarity through that guidance It's an encouragement. One of the things that only I can do in a relationship to my kids is instill values in them. I can outsource, dropping them off at school or taking them to something. I don't feel like I can outsource the installation of values. That to me would be callous, irresponsible to try to get hire somebody to do. So my highest and best use in raising conscious global citizens is engaging my kids in a meaningful conversation each and every day. It used to be wherever I was in the world because I used to travel a lot. But now it's just in the midst of this crisis. And it's precious because now I can always do it in person. What day did you create for yourself today?

[00:46:36.14] - Speaker 1

Who did you laugh with today? Okay, if an alien spaceship came from outer space and abducted someone out of a Zoom, out of one of your Zoom classrooms, who would they have abducted? Why would they have abducted that person? If I have that meaningful conversation each and every day, I'm an amazing mother. I'm an amazing mother. Even if I didn't dinner, even if I didn't help with the homework, even if I don't give her access to the roadblocks money or whatever thing she wants from this video game that she's probably going to come in and interrupt and tell me again that she wants. So I say that because it's so important for you to define what success is to you, aligning the values, your values with the behavior so that you're not guilty if it doesn't happen, because You best believe that right now in the midst of this crisis, economically, health-wise, racially, a woman of color who is a founder of a company is up till 12: 30. Because sometimes that is what is required in order to push through. And as long as I understand what my threshold is and I ensure that I don't shrink too small, which for me is making sure that I'm dancing every night and I've got my lavender oil and I'm taking care of myself, then I know that it's going to be okay.

[00:48:00.21] - Speaker 1

Who's doing all of those things? Half of those things are not getting done. They're not getting done. My kids are being raised right now by Fortnite and YouTube. But that is what needs to happen right now in order for me to do what I need to do as a mother who is a breadwinner and who has economic responsibility for my kids. If I'm their coach in chief and I make sure that my company is successful and that it thrives, I'm being an extraordinary mother. That's how I manage it. I don't know what what's going on out there. The book is a memoir about engaging other people. And one of the people in the book that I engage is my husband, Kojo. That's a whole other part of the drop the ball story.

[00:48:43.11] - Speaker 2

Deep Nathal is a real estate broker. She heads up the Nathal team at Douglas Almond. Hi, Tiffany. This is really amazing.

[00:48:52.01] - Speaker 1

I had goosebumps just hearing you and could relate in so many different places.

[00:48:56.21] - Speaker 2

So thank you.

[00:48:57.13] - Speaker 1

So my question is about dropping the ball movement that you are talking about in some way. And I want to know what you feel about dropping the ball that don't matter, but still feeling good and balancing and making sure you're still in control? How do you do that? I'm not sure that you can drop the ball and still be in control. Part of my drop the ball journey was reconciling that I Actually, there's a lot of things that I can't be in control of, particularly to the question before when it came to my home, because I used to be a person who was a big proponent of diversity and inclusion. I spoke a lot publicly about the importance of ensuring that there were different perspectives being brought to the table and that we were leveraging diversity in order to make the world a better place. But I didn't do that inside of my own home. Inside of my own home, basically, I knew the way everything was supposed to be done. And I wasn't open to inclusion on that front. So I'm not sure that dropping the ball and being in control are possible at the same time.

[00:50:18.19] - Speaker 1

Now, I do think that it's possible to drop the ball and have clarity about why you're dropping it and to not feel the G-word, to not feel bad about it because you've made a very conscious and deliberate choice. And I believe that there is power in that and that there is some level of control, at least for your own psychology in that. But dropping the ball means that either someone else is going to be taking on a responsibility and they will not do it the same way that you did it, especially in the beginning, likely to be pretty messy and quite frustrating in the beginning. That's actually a part of the process. Or it means that you're going to have to make a really difficult decision that may negatively impact someone else in your life. And you might have to reconcile that and decide. Sometimes we live in these cultures where we think we're going to get all the things that we want and it's going to come easy. It's never, ever easy. It's like my husband's from Ghana. And so I have this African mother-in-law and she It makes to say when someone's complaining, if things were getting easier, it's probably because you're headed downhill.

[00:51:36.02] - Speaker 1

So that feeling that you have of, if I let this go, I'm not going to be in control. Lean into that. That's actually a part of the process. I promise if you lean in long enough, you can get beyond it, but it's going to be really hard and really messy in the interim So I can't tell you that you're going to have control because it's maintaining, it's the feeling of maintaining the control that often ends us, that we often end up with all of these balls in the air. I'd love to have another conversation with you, though. I wish we had more time to talk about, because I would love to talk about what it is that you're thinking about letting go of or dropping the ball on so that we can go through and determine what parts of it.

[00:52:30.16] - Speaker 2

I'll connect with you, sure. There's three ladies here left, and I know that some of you might have more pressing questions than others. I'm also being conscious of the time because it's 12: 54. So Tina, Manka, and Buja, who has the most pressing questions?

[00:52:49.21] - Speaker 1

And medium.

[00:52:51.13] - Speaker 2

Okay. So Manka? Manka is a business analytics person. Do you have a question? Yeah, I meant to say medium, sorry. I'll be quick.

[00:53:02.19] - Speaker 1

Firstly, just wonderful to listen to you, Tiffany. I just love how you talk about what you believe in and just the way you come across that. I think Shreya said soulful. It truly was very stirring. I was relating to very many things you spoke about, but I have a question around the part where you had that exercise and asking people to write down what do they think they do every day and how it added up to more than 24 hours.

[00:53:29.24] - Speaker 2

And I constantly feel I'm not able to get on top of everything or be organized just from an everything standpoint.

[00:53:36.19] - Speaker 1

How did you help them from that point to deciding what is truly reasonable? How do you get there? What are those tips to think about?

[00:53:45.23] - Speaker 2

So time management?

[00:53:47.16] - Speaker 1

Yes. There are probably three strategies that, some of which we talked about that day, but this was my journey, too, because I was having the epiphany of, oh, my gosh, no wonder we're all feeling so overwhelmed. And one of them for me is that I've stopped creating to-do lists. I found that I don't really have the discipline to be realistic about a to-do list. A to-do list does not factor in 24 hours. It doesn't factor in a seven day week. So instead of my to do list, I use my calendar to determine what should be on my plate. So literally, when something comes, instead of writing it down, I go into the calendar. And I schedule the time. And I find out clarifying details. I get a lot of requests to read books, to blur books. How many pages is your book? How long is this going to take me? You want me to be on a committee? When are the meetings? Are the meetings an hour? How are they? And I see whether or not I can fit it in. For me, it's such a realism check because I look at my calendar and I'm like, Tiffany, you can't say yes to this.

[00:54:55.19] - Speaker 1

When are you going to do this? So don't lie to this person by making this person feel like you're going to be able to deliver when you're not. And then you're going to feel terrible. It's going to slow the person down who wants you to do something and just be honest and say, I'm unable to do it. And I'll tell you how I say I'm unable to do it. Sometimes it's really critical. It's something that I determine, you know what, Tiffany, you're going to have to do this. And then the question is, what is on my calendar right now that's going to have to come off? Who am I going to have to go back to, just like I told my daughter, you could always change your mind and say, I know I committed to being on this committee. I know I committed to taking on this project, but I no longer can do that. That's been really important for me. I also try, unless it's an event, I try to keep the meetings to 45 minutes or less. So I always have 15 minutes in between to check a few things off of the to-do list.

[00:55:53.03] - Speaker 1

And I also have a list of other women that if any opportunity presents itself and I feel that I'm an to be able to do it, that I can refer another woman, especially if I think it's going to be an opportunity. I get a lot of requests to speak, to present. I always have other women who I feel like are amazing, who could fill in if I feel like I can't do it. I have a four step process for basically saying no, which is to express gratitude. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Number two, to say something about what is occupying my time. Right now, I'm knee deep raising another round I have capital for the crew. Then I say no, without apology, I'm unable to be there. I'm unable to do it. And then finally, I express gratitude again. But I really appreciate that you thought of me for this opportunity I love that. And I write that or I say it verbally. And you'd be surprised the number of people who are like, we can do that. I'm like, yeah, we could do that.

[00:56:57.08] - Speaker 2

But it's about giving yourself permission. I love that formula. That's really great. Fouja. What is your question? Fuja is partner in a macaron company called BuyWoops. They have three brick and mortar locations here in New York City, but they're making an active push to malls in the Midwest.

[00:57:13.21] - Speaker 1

Really? Do you ship? We do. Oh, okay. Can you email me at tiffani@thecrew. Com? Because I send macaroons to everybody. You see on my book, there's a little ball. Yeah. So after I speak or do something, I always send people a little macaron gift with strawberry or raspberry macaroons.

[00:57:35.23] - Speaker 2

And Bouge can personalize them. She sent little Eiffel towers to my friend because I couldn't bring macaroons back from Paris. Yes.

[00:57:43.13] - Speaker 1

Yeah. Please, I should be giving the money to you. I actually my question was answered, so I just wanted to say thank you.

[00:57:51.15] - Speaker 2

This was so wonderful.

[00:57:52.13] - Speaker 1

My question was very similar to the about the guilt that you get from trying to lean in and when you drop the ball. So that was really helpful.

[00:58:03.00] - Speaker 2

So I appreciate it.

[00:58:03.17] - Speaker 1

Thank you.

[00:58:04.18] - Speaker 2

And last in line is Tina Ramhtandani, who is an interior designer, and she has a company that bears her name.

[00:58:11.18] - Speaker 1

Hi, this was amazing. Half of my question was answered with Navina about the sponsors and mentors and how you find them. But I was wondering how besides specific people, how do you expand your network thoughtfully to include people that you admire and that will help you grow in business and personally, if it's not a specific personality type or person. So you mean just how do you expand your network overall? How do I?

[00:58:44.15] - Speaker 2

I don't know.

[00:58:45.09] - Speaker 1

I'm not very good at this. I mean, I have groups like this that I'm a part of and I've been on LinkedIn, but it feels like a mess. Yes. Well, it's of course it's compounded. It's so much harder now that there's nothing in person. So I I think for those of us who have access to these kinds of networks and already a part of these communities, now that we're all connecting virtually, I feel like leveraging them even more is so critical right now because it's very difficult. So even in a past life, I've asked people who I think are amazing. I'm trying to expand my network. Maybe you don't have someone specific that you are looking for because you have some specific goal, but everyone has someone amazing that they can introduce you to. I think it still requires an ask. I don't think that... It's like social justice. I don't think it's inevitable I think we have to work toward it. And so you do have to be explicit about making an ask and saying, I'm trying to expand my network. Is there anyone that you think would be amazing that I could talk to?

[00:59:57.16] - Speaker 1

You might need to give them some But I really think that's the only way outside of joining a network that you can just access people. I don't know if you all have a directory, for example, where you can just access multiple people. But it's part of the reason why the applications to the crew are up right now, because the whole idea is we're matching it with people that you wouldn't have otherwise met. And now that we're all quarantined, it's hard to do that right now. I think it's particularly hard if you're like me, despite what you see, I'm very much an introvert. So I find it terrifying to walk into. That's probably why I found it the crew, because I would rather just someone match me. And I know we're all committed and we're all great. And then you just move from there without having to do the awkward introductions at cocktail parties and exchanging the business cards and all of that stuff. So I think right now it actually is who you know. And it's asking them to introduce you to another person. There is I'll try to get it to Joya. Someone did tell me about a platform that I think it's called Lunch Date, but basically you can sign up to get introduced to just people that you don't know.

[01:01:12.20] - Speaker 1

And it's like a lunch date, but it's over Zoom that's happening. I'll send that to Joya. That would be great. Thank you.

[01:01:19.01] - Speaker 2

Great. And I just... Dori Clarke is somebody who I admire. She's a big thinker in the communications space. And this week, she's invited me to a virtual cocktail where she puts together eight people who have never met each other before for networking. So I was like, I think that's an idea that I could do. But I think that's an idea anybody could do. Where you become the center of the universe and you invite eight people that you think would be interested in meeting each other. And that's a wonderful way to expand your network.

[01:01:45.01] - Speaker 1

Yes. And by the way, I've been to one of Dory Clark's, one of those dinners and events, and they're amazing.

[01:01:50.16] - Speaker 2

Yeah. And by the way, how I got into that circle on that invitation is that I just commented on her LinkedIn about a post that she had done. So sometimes it's just as easy as that. Tiffany, it's 1: 04. I want to be respectful of everyone's time. Thank you for your time today. This is really wonderful. The comments that I'm getting is that this is very soulful and really added it to our lives on a Monday. So thank you.

[01:02:10.04] - Speaker 1

Thank you. Bye, everybody. Thank you.

[01:02:12.08] - Speaker 2

Thank you.

[01:02:14.01] - Speaker 1

Thank you.