Episode 1: Klondyke

In this episode, Junior Mintt interviews fellow drag artist, and all around, entertainer KLONDYKE! (@kg_klondyke IG) and delves deep into what it means to live at the intersection of poverty, transness, and Blackness, and finds a beautiful connect and overlap of history with Klondyke in the process. 

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to the moment of truth podcast. This is the show where I invite you to take a moment and to reflect and be proud of how far that we have come as individuals and as a community, but also honest about where we still have to go in our growth as individuals, but as well, our growth as supporters and protectors of black trans power, through personal testimony and honest conversation with community members and community leaders, we will not only recognize the power we all have lurking within ourselves, to impact our own lives, but also our communities in a positive way, and continue to keep pushing black trans power forward. I'm your host, Junior Mintt. And if you're wondering what my credentials are, I'm your favorite black trans woman, empowerment life coach and drag preacher, but all around bad bitch. To be honest, you can find me on all social media at Junior Mintt that stream it with two T's because of copyright and on top of it if you would like a full. If you would like an extended version of this episode, you can feel free to follow me on Patreon at Junior Mintt. Again, that's streaming with two T's and you can get exclusive content of this podcast. First and foremost, before we begin the first ever episode, let me just begin by saying that no Lives Matter until black trans Lives Matter. This podcast believes in prison and police abolition. It is anti fascist, anti capitalist, and believes that anti is one of the best Rianna albums. Okay, I'm here armed with honesty, comedy and a strong acid opinion on a variety of topics. But most importantly, again, I'm armed with black trans power, we're going to talk about not only the stuff that's happening in our individual lives, but as well what is going on in our communities. So think of it as part social commentary, part political commentary, but all around personal commentary. I like to think that I'm here to not only meet you where you're at, but also take you where you're going. So that's the perfect segue to getting this beautiful first episode begun. For the first segment ever of this podcast, we are going to be doing a mental check in. So I'm going to be sharing with you my rose on my phone of this week and some wisdom. But as well, on top of it, some learning lessons that I've learned from this week that when I, when I sat down to think about what I thought maybe my rows or my thought would be, the rows came to me immediately, my rows had to be the rekindling of the connection between me and my mother. And if you know me in person at all, then you absolutely know that me and my mom are so close. But what I've recently been discovering is that the connection that you can have with someone in your life is so different when money is not a stressing factor. And I am so thankful because we recently had to do a GoFundMe to help raise funds for multiple different things that my mom, my aunt and my grandmother desperately needed throughout this pandemic. And my community funded it. And I've been realizing through this new found stability through this GoFundMe having been funded, I didn't realize how much of my mom and I's conversations in relationship revolved around money, simply because we've never had enough of it. And for the first time in my life, I'm really getting to sit down and not be stressed out about different ways that I can help because I have student loan debt, because I'm a working artist because of a black trans woman, all the different ways in which I can actually financially contribute, but I can emotionally contribute, were all of the different ways in which I kind of just felt like I was coming short as the child is like, I should be able to help out in this situation. And so the fact that there is finally the stability, we have actually been able to sit down and my anxiety is overwhelming me by like how much I want to help but we can actually sit down and actually have just a fun conversation. And it actually led us into her talking about what it was like for her to carry me in her womb. She was talking about what the pregnancy was like. She was talking about all of these different characteristics and mannerisms that I had as a little kid that that's for me some of the most beautiful times in a child's life is when you're just purely running off of instinct, you're not thinking about who you are, how someone is perceiving you, and society hasn't been able to truly get to you yet about societal norms and whether who you are as acceptable are good or bad. And we actually end up talking about that me and Klondike in the interview you're going to listen to soon so like keep on listening. But when I tell you it is something that has been giving me so much more clarity myself because the main thing that I remember from us talking is the story that she told me. And it's back when I was four years old, it was 1999. And apparently, the only thing that little Junior wanted to be for Halloween that year was a queen. And if that is not the most on brand thing I've ever heard, for me, the fact that I am four years old, and the thing that I already know about myself is that I am royalty. And on top of it, I need the correct outfit to be this royalty. Okay, so I was looking for a look. And I was looking for support and my mom was ready to give me both. Okay, so me, my two brothers, my dad and my mom, they get us into the van, okay, because there was five of us. And my two brothers are, they are four and five years older than me. And so you have to imagine that like while I'm for they're nine and 10 we get into this van, my dad loved the big van, he loved a big fucking van because my dad loved to build shit. Okay, so he always had to have space in the van in order to like, move computer parts cuz he'd be building computers, and he'd build cars and shit. And so we get into this big ass van, we derive on down to parties that he right. And when we're there, and we're picking up costumes, apparently, she is looking for, like, you know, the face makeup. And she's also looking for like the Queen costume. And as she's looking and she's taking me around, apparently, of course, my dad and my brothers are putting up an entire stupid funk and a transphobic as fuck about why I can't be a queen. Why can I be something else, too? Why are you dressing jr up like that. And literally, my mom tooth and nail defended me. And she quotes to told them jr is going to be whatever Junior wants to be energy wants to be a queen, do you will be a queen. And that is the type of love respect and protection that I know that I will be giving my children when I start raising them because it I think back to it. And it gives me emotional because at the time where I was trying my hardest to be myself, just wanting to dress up as who I wanted to be in represent myself as what I wanted to be. Before I had even known that society had norms and were trying to put me in a box and my mom defended exactly who I was. And to this day, I truly believe that that is where I learned every every ounce of that activism and community defense that I have in me now. Because to know that she was defending me and standing up for whoever I wanted to be at that age. Before I had words for who I was before I understood term before I understood anything. And it makes me emotional because that is who I want to be the most in this world is someone who is standing up for someone. And I love my mom so much. And I'm so thankful to have that validation. Because I think that as a trans person, it adds a whole layer to my understanding of myself. When I hear someone who watched me grow up, who watched me evolve, who watched me discover myself who watched me begin to be ashamed of myself because of what society taught me and then grow to watch me become the strongest person in the world that I know myself the baddest bitch Junior Mintt. And so for me to hear her even say that that look, bitch, you Virginia men as a little kid, you were Junior Mintt as a little kid before you knew turn before you could read before you knew anything about gender before you knew anything about anything. You were always Junior Mintt. And I will truly take that to heart for the rest of my life. And that's something that I feel very blessed to have experienced with my mom. Because Yeah, I feel like it adds a whole nother layer to the relationship we've had because it adds that extra feeling of she's my guardian angel truly, truly because she's always supported me and to know that. Yeah, she was even doing that before, before membranes were being formed. And so yeah, it it makes me very emotional. And I'm truly teared up even talking about it right now. And I know that even when she hears that, I know I'm gonna get a text message from her. But yes, that is liberal as of this week, and yeah, I'm just so beyond thankful beyond freakin thankful for that woman. She is amazing. And everybody send some love send some positive energy out to delma right now. We stand her we stand her we stand a legend. And I guess I should get into my store now. And if I had to say what my thought of the week was. Now when it comes to thorns, I'm gonna be honest, it was kind of hard for me to pick one. Not because she's not going on in my life but simply because anything that shitty that happens in my life, I always am the silver lining type of bitch for myself, not necessarily when I comfort other people but for me, I always am trying to find a silver lining something that makes me feel like this is really just a like not really a thorn but a rose in disguise. Right. I'm trying to bamboozle and baffle myself into just seeing it positively. Because if there's one thing that life will not give you, it's a reason to smile, you have to find that on your own. Because in a capitalist society, trust me, the whole reason why there is a demand for anything for any product is because you believe that you need it, you believe that your life is not perfect, it cannot be great without this product. And that's how capitalism literally works. So in a capitalist society, life is not going to be giving you anything that is actually going to make you whole, it's only going to feed you things that make you think you need more things. And so I find that most of the time, the most beautiful and wholehearted things that last in terms of making you happy, are all things that are deeply driven by your connection to yourself, your community and your loved ones. And so, when it comes to my thord, I would definitely say is probably me harping on trying to be a productive human being or judging myself based off the level of productivity that I'm putting out, when Truly, I should just be proud and happy of the fact that my body is continuing on to another day that I'm blessed enough to wake up to another day. But if I'm going to talk about the thord, let's talk about the fact that truly society makes you believe that if you were not being productive, if you're not putting your time and your energy towards work, then there's something wrong with you, or you should be ashamed of yourself, you need to get it together. Or honestly, even judging how how healthy or how good your week is going based off of how much work you got done. like think about how many people truly tell you how good their week is going, based off of how much work they got done. And it's one of those things where truly start to determine whether your week was good, based off of how you connected with yourself that week, did you have enough time to take care of yourself and all of your actual emotional obligations to yourself. And these are the things that I have to keep reminding myself of because again, life will never give you the opportunity to just take a moment you have to steal that bitch, okay, you need to steal every ounce of peace of mind that you get, because no societal structure, no business is going to give that to you. You have to determine it and take it for yourself. And that's what I've been fighting myself to do more and more. And that's honestly how the beautiful conversation with my mom came about is because I was like, You know what, Jr you don't sit down and you don't actually just talk to her, you don't actually get to just see where a conversation is taking you. Okay? Because when you think about the wealth of knowledge and conversation and wisdom, and history and memories that another person has not just a parent, not a guardian, not a loved one. But just any person that you have a conversation with the barista at Starbucks has, at minimum 18 years of a life just live that honestly is built up to some form of wisdom that you can learn from if you dare to connect if you dare to reach out. And so what I've been truly challenging myself to do is to stop judging myself based off of how much work I'm getting done and start judging myself on how much internal work I'm doing. And when I say judge, I don't mean like, feel horrible afterwards. It's just actually gauging how I think I'm progressing as Jr. actually checking in with myself and saying, those emotional goals that you set for yourself five months ago, how five years ago, all of those things were like, that's where I hope to be in the future. Are you meeting those goals? Or are you on track to meeting little goals? Or did you completely forget about that? It is the vision of you something different and you haven't checked into realize the image of who you want to be exchanged? See, all of these are just very different nuanced walks of life and different things that you may realize about yourself when you check in. And all of these questions that I'm sitting in ask myself are things that most black trans people are not privileged enough to just have the excess time to sit down and think about, it reminds me of the same thing I was talking about with my mom in terms of, we rarely got the time to just sit down and follow a conversation because most of the time it was just filled up with actually, us just talking about all the things we need. We have to get done. How we're going to make $1 out of 15 cents, to be honest And it really is a luxury to even have the time to sit down and think about yourself and truly check in. So my advice for anybody listening to this is to stop and take a moment and ask yourself, are you defining your worth by how productive you are being, because no matter how many photoshoots you do, no matter how many articles you write, no matter how many pieces of Instagram content that you put out, if you are not checking in with yourself, and actually doing all of the emotional labor, and the mental labor that it takes to make sure that you are being your best self, for all of the content you're creating, for all of the people that you are trying to entertain, then you sadly have started your car and left that bitch or neutral, because creating content is not checking in with how you are mentally dealing with living through a pandemic, with watching the amount of deaths that are occurring in this country. And so do yourself the favor of seeing yourself as a human being who is not a robot who needs to actually check in with how they are doing. And I hope that everyone listening is also realizing that that is part of the reason why this whole segment is called mental check in. Because if there's one thing that we forget to consistently do every single day, let alone every week, it is to check in with ourselves. So this is your reminder to check in and ask yourself some deep questions. And that doesn't just mean sitting there and saying to yourself, Well, why do I feel this way or anything? It's sitting and truly being present with yourself and allowing yourself to follow a thought. It's allowing yourself to sit and be with yourself in the most natural state in silence. Truly, just sit there and ask yourself right now, when was the last time that you sat and you listen to yourself? And you thought about yourself and you truly thought about what you needed? emotionally, emotionally, bitch, because getting into your feelings, just when you listen to a Beyonce or an Adele song is not therapy, it is not checking in, okay? Because while not everyone can afford therapy, we all can afford to sit by ourselves, okay, and question and ask and delve deep into who we are. Bitch, you are going to be spending the most time with you out of your entire lifetime. So you better get to know that bitch you live in with in your mind, okay. And I'm going to end this thing by reminding you that the trauma that you carry around and the unresolved baggage that you refuse to check in on and refuse to heal does not just stay with you. It affects your entire community. It affects every person around you. And it affects people who are not around you as well. So if not for yourself, check in with you, for everybody else around you. Because all of the toxicity that we keep bottled up within ourselves cannot stay bottled up, it seeps out every single day. Every single interaction every single toxic habit that we continue and leave unchecked are toxic habits that affect those around us that we love and those that we don't love, because we don't have to just love you in order to care about your life. Okay, bitch. That's called empathy. Speaking of empathy, I am be on and excited to share and introduced to you all the first guest on this podcast and is honestly the very first person I immediately thought of when I thought of guests for this podcast. So welcome. Without further ado, an amazing performer, a phenomenal musician, a beautiful, beautiful community leader, and someone who I'm honored to call a friend. They are someone who I cannot believe I get to speak with and I think you're going to be just as fucking enamored with him as I am by the end of this interview. So get ready for the one and only Klondike. I I'm not sure if you know, but I was an RA in college. I was once okay. I did it for too long. I three and a half years three and a half. Oh, I know. I know. But I always believe in starting things with like your name, your pronouns, where you live and a fun fact. Yeah, we love icebreakers. My name is Graham. Like the cracker gra h AM, um, my pronouns are he they and just any gender neutral stuff, but the ones that I use for use pronouns for yourself, but the one that I like hearing The most or he in May, um, I am living in Bed Stuy. And then a fun fact I love clouds love clouds if I wasn't a musician I would be a meteorologist. Really? Yes. I would be like welcome like green upstate like Greece New York like my hometown meteorologists like we're gonna have a cold flu coming through soon with our cumulonimbus clouds are so cool, like, unnecessarily cool. One of the things that have always inspired me when I was in college studying scenic design. So many of my concepts would be clouds because whenever I'm thinking I have to look like inherently just look up. And so many times I'm thinking outside and the guides it just it frees something in my thinking process. So the fact that you'd be a meteorologist is so sickening to me like Do you remember that old like sketches commercial those like I'm a paleontologist, that's who I am. It was like for kids Yeah, um, and I was always like that but with meteorologists like I'm a meteorologist and I was like, oh, cuz like, or like storm chaser. Like if I wasn't gonna be like a full on meteorologist I was gonna be a person like, do run after tornadoes with a healthy distance a healthy distance. They're very big. I don't need to be that close. She was like that, you know that white man and like the panels and just being like, we got storm chasers and volcanologist. I'm like dry. Really like you. It's really cool. The thing that could kill me, let me go close. I went to Sarah Lawrence, because I didn't know what a liberal arts school was like, I genuinely got a postcard in the mail. And I was like, so they said, you don't have to pick a major here. And I was like, that sounds fine. And then I went to college and they're like, never heard of like barred bastard for now. Like, I was like, No, I don't know them hoes. I don't know them. I came here because I said I could sing and do movies. Oh my god. Yeah, like the first few years I was at school like before, because there's like a smoking ban that happened. And so it went from like a code to my performance art piece in my small bedroom, like in my dorm, or I'm gonna be like, putting like projections on my walls about my dead dad. And it's like, I'll show up, or it's like walking into a party and being like, so the orgies in that room is in that room. And then like a year and a half later, it was like, a lot of entrepreneurial students like a lot of like white folks from like, the Midwest being like, I want to start a business and I was like, I wait musicals about my depression. Like, we're not here for the same reason. Two very different trajectories. Right. So it was like me being an RA, like, one semester, my sophomore year being like, Oh, yeah, I would like to have like, $1,000 in less money to pay for, you know, room and board. But then I was like, Oh, I'm a stoner. And so if, like some freshmen texted me being like, I'm unwell at three in the morning. I'm not gonna be able to be like, I'm suited. Like, like, I was like, No, I this isn't the job for me. Like, I have an acapella dad, like, I had kids, but like, they knew that there was a big chance I was going to be a knee braided if they talk to me after a certain point in the evening, whereas like, it was my job worth, like, you know, my RA, like, you know, I was my boss, I guess was like, so why would you drink at a party? You're only 20. And I was like, you right, I guess. I guess that is not reason college wasn't worth it. How many people like attend Sarah Lawrence? It was like 1300 including grads? 1300. Bigger than my high school means more than the high school. 1300 Yeah, yeah. No, it's like, if you don't recognize somebody after, like, sophomore year, it's like, When did you get here? Like, are you really know everyone's business. You know, everyone's business. That always sets up such an interesting dynamic when it comes to colleges, because Emerson College where I was, like, 5000 students still small, but not as small. Like, I'm literally like, I couldn't go back in the theater. It was like maybe like 50. And so it was like, you know, there's one improv group at one point. So we're all going out for the most popular thing on campus because no one's going to the sports teams, because the soccer team lost in the coronary Institute, like every time and they're like they devoted their life to souffle you can like Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Could I just say one of the best answers I've heard all week is they have dedicated their lives to souffle. They're like, Oh my God, my bread didn't rise, but they can watch your asset soccer, they still have time. You came here for soccer, if anything, they're the ones who are getting all the nutrition they want. My stamina is eclipsing yours. Never trust that you can beat a person who spends their time around fire knives and he used to be I get scared putting things into the oven. This is 100 By No. foreigner has a broiler. And so I always am like, Oh, can I just like my hands are too big. It's terrifying, especially when it's like using a broiler and may have been, but we just kept our cast iron stuff in there. That's a little drawer at the bottom of the stove, right? I didn't know it was usable until a couple years ago. Do you know what to even specifically use a broiler for? It's like cheese and like, it's specifically to like, give you that like carmelization on the top of whatever you're doing rather than like eating it through coming to this age carbonization. Yeah, I want to begin with babish or whatever. Okay, maybe I'll use the broiler one day. Yeah, I feel like I just want to heat something up. And like, if you don't have like a microwave, you might get that like bubbly on the top. Oh, that's also strangely sounds so but somebody but called their buzzy? Yeah, put it in the broiler. Put it in the broiler mom only coming here if you want your shit chart. Listen, I'm just like, I'm not here for like, pre quarantine, like pre pandemic is like I'm doing your like now my I'm a freak like I don't have time to be acting like I'm not so like, if you're not bound for it then like, block. I honestly, the wildest thing about the pandemic is it just brought so many revelations to me about my own sexuality. Speak on insists the wildest thing in the world that I would have never expected as a very sexually active person. Before the pandemic was there, I realized that identify on the asexual spectrum, because it wasn't until actually get into spending this large amount of time by myself. And as well not really able to meet another person for sex because of an entire virus. It was a lot of time spent by myself, which made me question what would Yes, I actually like making drawing me to sex? And was it actually something that I want it to be a part of? Or was it something that was serving some idea of myself, and it wasn't until I started dating someone who's asexual and then realizing that I was completely happy with what we had in our relationship and just completely at peace with it. And I was like, Well, hold up, wait a minute, because I always was told and under the belief and assumption that like, I need to have this as a part of happy relationship. And I'm sitting here with someone who is supporting me and making me feel valued and make me really, really happy. And to pursue was for that isn't that I had the actual time to deep dive into people's stories about their asexuality and the big diverse spectrum of what a sexuality is. And then finally, finding the word that actually like feels like it describes me, it was like one of those moments where you sit there and you kind of cry for a little bit because you like I just saw something that describe how I feel like me, even like six months ago would have never even thought I would have identified with but to see it and be like hold up bits visa bubbling in my broiler right now. Truly blew my mind. And so yeah, if you had any revelations like that, in this pan de me, I think so. Um, I don't know, if it was just the trajectory of like, my, like, sexual activity overall. And then the pandemic was just, like, bring it up to 100. But I, I mean, like being, like, trans in like a very white suburb. It was like, no one, like, I thought I was ugly. And then I was like, actually, I'm just black. And then it was like, oh, I've also just fat and I got to that part, I got to college, and they're like, Did you know The Trans is a thing? Cuz like if you if you hate being a girl as much as you say you do, maybe you're just not a girl. Then I was like, No, I had been saying that for a very long time. And everyone was like, too bad. That's not a thing. Now full as community and people who are like, it's been a thing for as long as like water has been a thing. Now, so I think that it's like I came out, I didn't have any of the like, Oh, I mo I'm a lesbian and no way actually I'm trans it was all at once, like my sexual sexuality and gender journey. They happen at the same time. So I was like, I shaved my sophomore sophomore year, like shaved my head. And I was like, oh, sleeper ladies now. And then everyone was like, Okay, great. You figured it out for yourself. And then I was like, I'm like over 250 pounds. And I'm like a 511 and I have a shaved head. I must be a top. Like, I don't know what else. And it seems like all these ladies want me to top them and I don't want them to leave. So I'll do it. Oh, you better I wish I had a bell. Huh? Yes. And it's just like, Yeah, well, I don't and so it was years before I was like, Man join us or am I just doing it because I want You to enjoy it. And you're validating me. And so much so much. And then it wasn't until like, again x ago that I was like, Hey, I actually do enjoy topping, but it's because I'm dysphoric bottoming and then finding somebody, I can borrow them with another Okay, this is exciting and keep crying after every time, but I am enjoying myself. You are. I it's like reading a book about my life. pandemic, I was just like, you know what, I don't give a shit. And then it was like, oh, like certain things that I like, assumed I was gonna, like, with my body didn't and then things that like, were the exact opposite of what I thought I was gonna like, were like, no, this is my thing. Like, this is my thing. 100% and like, kinky has been like, I like I met this white boy that I met in abroad a couple years ago, was like, we would wrestle and I was like, why do I enjoy this? I was always roughhouse as a kid. But you know, I thought it was like just bully stuff. And I'm like, but that boy would do some other stuff. That was it. So it's just been like, slowly but surely over time, it's been like, I am allowed to be as, like sexual as I am. But just growing up in a very sheltered, like, home space. It was like, I won't even think about the fact that I'm attracted to people because if I can think that eventually My family is going to be able to figure that out. And if my grandfather knows that I want that to happen if he knows I'm reading fanfiction, I'll just set myself on fire. I'll just like ended a hole right now. I don't even even know that I think like that. Because I'm coming from like a they weren't saying like no sex till marriage, but they were saying you're not allowed to date. So t to my sister didn't sleep till me have sex till marriage. So I'm like, even though when I saying it, like it seems that way. And I always planned on breaking that rule. Like I was like, I'm really just waiting for a willing participant. It is not the Lord that is scaring me from fucking it is absolutely the lack of interest other people's bark. Oh, I feel it. I was like 60 pounds overweight, five, eight, just so uncomfortable with my own body. It's one of those things that like growing up so uncomfortable in your own body is one of those trans experiences. That's just like, it transcends everything. It's something that I'm always able to connect with another trans person about because it is. I always think that because like because we're born trans, we are forced to see the world so differently. Because from the Get up, you see and feel how the world is not built for you how it is not structured for you. And one of the first things I remember before even truly like, every black person has that boba where they're like, Oh, I'm black. And I had my moment of like, Oh, I'm very uncomfortable in my body. And I don't have the words for transness yet, but that's what I'm feeling before I ever even realized I was black. All I knew was that I feel uncomfortable in my body. Everyone is putting me in things that I don't actually like, but are saying these are things that I'm supposed to be liking. I was very FIM child very, very feminine. I wanted to play with a dog. I wanted everything pink. I wanted to be in fashion shows. I watched Miss America and Miss USA every single year I bought Victoria's Secret Fashion Show every year growing up. Like I am trained, literally for as long as my mom and I have had a rocky relationship with my gender. But now we're in a great place If dad is color Mom, you're trans cake for my birthday. We love Mom. Yes, we love Monique. Shout out to money testimony. I never say her name out loud. That was not disrespectful. I'm saying in the third person, Mama. Because I could say the most incredible things about her but she'll text me being like I saw my name in your mouth. I don't know who you think I support your boy doesn't mean that you can call me by the first name. So she's a Virgo. Trying to try anything. Oh, okay. Capricorn, moon and Capricorn rising. Yes. She has never known a rule she did not love. That's top level of Earth. Yes. No, she is it's like topping Cora where like I come back and I'm like I'm dramatize and she's like, why is that? My problem? You come to my swamp either work on yourself. I love that. No, my mom told me that we could I could live with her up the summer after I graduated college after that. She was like, I don't think that we do well together. I was like, What do you need are your two puzzle pieces on different parts of the map? Yes. Yes. Like I am the rocky cliff. You are the sea like we're just never gonna be next to each other. Ooh, but that makes a beautiful coastline. Yes. So we've had a long journey with like my gender and everything. But I think one of the most like affirming things she ever said to me. She was like, I think once I started like deconstructing like gender Under and like what I thought you were as a child. Like I realized that around three you knew you were trans even if you didn't know what that word was. I was like, I there's a picture of me in preschool and I'm like, all the Halloween picture so all the boys are like Power Rangers and that kind of thing and all the girls like princesses that I'm like Batman with like the full like suits, like with like the pack, and like the mask and everything. And I'm over there like literally like Hulk Hogan like flexing. My mom was like, yeah, who knows which one my daughter is. She was like, Yeah, no, there was no and that's one of my first memories of being in Party City being like, I can't get the Batman suit without the pecs because I don't have pecs like I don't have muscles. And I'm not Batman without muscles. So whatever we got to do, we got to get I'm so here for it. And it was like a lot of me like wanting to like I cry when I got my first m one jump like jumpsuit. Like cuz I was like my older cut, like my older cousin might pay for it. Now. It's like it's it's the Lord navy blue. I remember my first pair of Nikes like all this kind of stuff, and I like cared so much. And also I've always loved passionate boys of clothes. Like I dressed up as Willy Wonka to go to school, but not Gene Wilder, the the Johnny Depp one because I already had a bob and so I was like, I can go to Goodwill, get a three piece suit Mama. Time. So every year Halloween, I was a different man. And I was like, you know, there's no particular reason. I just like boys. And it was like, I just kept saying it's cuz I had such a crush on boys, which is true because I am so gay. Like being Trans and Queer. It was like, Okay, well, I'm a weird girl air quotes, but I like guys, so I guess I'm straight. And I'm not acknowledging the girls that I'm into. Like, I'm just like, Huh, I can't watch her stop doing tumbles in gymnastics. I just had so many crushes on guys that it must be that. And that must be a fluke. Oh, that is so much to unpack in a really beautiful way. Because it speaks so much to how much it feels. So validating as a trans person when you can have someone who watched you grow up, say, Oh, I saw, I saw because I've been blessed enough as a trans person to have my mom say the same thing. And it's one of those things. Oh, that's beautiful. It's it's beyond words. Because it just it's like one of those things where all of society is trying to Gaslight you into believing that you are who you are, you aren't deserving of who you are eroding our history. And to have a moment where someone especially if you can get a parent or a guardian, it's like I remember when my mom said it to me, there was like a weight off of my shoulders where it validates thoughts that you can't even think back to back when you were born. You were three, you would just run it off instinct you would literally just running purely off of your own energy. Yes. And actually, to have someone sit there and to have someone validated. I'm so blessed and happy to hear that you have that. Oh, that's beautiful. And it was because my dad's side of the family, which is so I didn't grow up with my mom's side of the fence. She moved from Alabama to New York, like to like upstate, and that's where my I grew up. I have a very, very strange relationship. My dad's side of the family and my half sister, who I grew up with, but she is not my mom's daughter. I she still hangs out with my dad's family, but I don't so it was like, I was like, how do I come out to her cuz I do want to and it was like my senior year then I was like, I'm more of a boy than anything else. And she was like, I know. She was like, Yeah, that makes sense. And then I was like, Oh, my god, that was like, even though like, we don't agree on so many things. This thing makes a lot of sense. And then she was like, do you remember when I came out to you is like by in high school and you freaked out? Because I was like, are you gonna tell daddy to tell Bob, you're gonna tell papa. Like, what's gonna happen here? Yeah, I thought you were in love with Justin and she was like, still by just dating a guy, right? And I was like, Okay, this is a long time path, but I trust you. And she was like, I knew then that you had some of your own stuff. And the fact that like I was competent enough to talk about it meant that it was like creating space for me to think about myself like that. And that was a lot at the time because she's five years older than me. I think she probably came out when she was in high school. So I was probably like in middle school so I'm just getting you know, socialized as a particular gender. Because again, everyone in school knew that I was gonna show up in a T shirt and jeans or like mask presenting clothes every day. And then we got to middle school everyone was like, Oh, you're a weird girl. And I was like, Since when is this been weird? Because like, I have been playing I've been doing the boat like the I've been sitting at the boys table. Like during lunch I like play football instead of hopscotch it play like recess like, foursquare is my king. I'm like, I don't know what I was telling you. Like, I'm giving you clues. Right? I'm dropping these breadcrumbs like now I know as in my non binary and it's not those kind of things. My gender and expression is so much more fluid and are not entirely masked, just masculine but at the time because