#28 - The Power of Planning for the Inevitable with Abbe F. Large

Join Abbe F. Large and me for a powerful conversation with a seasoned financial advisor who's spent 31 years empowering families and navigating the complexities of wealth. This episode dives deep into the unique challenges women face in the financial world, from male-dominated spaces to the delicate balance of family and career. 

We explore the importance of open communication about money, the transformative power of personal experience, and how to approach financial planning with both strength and empathy. 

Key Highlights:

1. Owning Your Power: Understand the importance of women embracing their assertiveness and challenging traditional power dynamics in finance.
2. Family Finances: Open Communication: Learn practical strategies for initiating and maintaining healthy financial conversations across generations.
3. Life's Lessons: Personal Impact: Discover how personal experiences, especially during times of loss, can shape your financial perspective and client relationships.
4. Building Relationships: Beyond Transactions: Explore the value of creating genuine, lasting connections with clients and family members, extending beyond simple transactions.
5. Financial Planning: Proactive Preparation: Gain insights on the necessity of planning for life's uncertainties while healthy and capable, ensuring peace of mind for yourself and your loved ones.

Discover how to build lasting relationships, assert your value, and create a legacy of financial security.

Abbe F. Large, Managing Director at Lenox Advisors, blends 30 years of financial expertise with deep empathy. Specializing in financial services, estate planning, and employee benefits, she prioritizes clients' well-being. Her personal experience navigating her father's cancer battle fuels her passion for supporting families through financial challenges. A Forbes Top Financial Security Professional, Abbe empowers clients to focus on family. She balances her career with outdoor activities and family time, embodying dedication and excellence.

Abbe's Links:

Lenox Advisors

Abbe F. Large - Lenox Advisors

Always and Never About Money Episode Links:
Video Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@MoneyMasteryWithChelsea
Socials: https://linktr.ee/the_money_whisper
Money Mastery Website: www.moneymastery.work
Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/AlwaysandNeverMoney/

Transcript

 Okay. Bam, bam, here we are resilience and overcoming. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. All right. Awesome. Um, so I kind of told you a little bit how I like to do these things. This is very conversational. I go back and I re listen to the episode and I curate the intro and the exit. So I'll make sure that my intro, my team has like all of your.

What we found on you and like how you describe what you do and what your passion is. So does that work for the recorded intro? Perfect. Okay. Um, well, I was really excited after we spoke the first time, so I'm really looking forward to this. Um, so thank you for coming back and being on the podcast. Thank you.

Thanks for having me. Absolutely. I think a great place to start would be in your own words, tell us what it is that you do and what you believe in because it excites me so much. Oh my God, what do I do? Well, I have been a financial advisor for 31 years and I, I help people be responsible financially for their family and for themselves, and I help them through basically three phases of their lives.

The accumulation phase, the distribution phase, and the preservation phase. And so those three phases allow me to, um, build clients relationships that matter and clients for life. Like that is, that's my jam. And so that's what I do. And I, and I feel, um. I I'm with a firm Lennox advisors that, um, has incredible support.

So not only am I able to do the things the right way and the best that I can, because I'm supported so well, but I'm able to bring in all of these people that specialize in certain things that I don't, cause I can't be a specialist and everything, but what I do specialize in is the relationship. And that's what's important, right?

Chemistry and timing and building that relationship and trust. So yeah, that's what I'm really passionate about. And I love it. I mean, I'm really making a difference in people's life. It's very impactful what I'm doing. It's not easy, but when it works, when the magic works, it's, I should say when the work works, it's magic, let's put it that way.

Yes. And there were two things that really struck me, um, when we first met number one, you are in a male dominated space. Yeah. And to have done what you do for so long. I'm sure that that came with its challenges. It definitely did at times. But here's the thing, I was blessed enough, and I'm so grateful, that I'm part of an organization that lifts women up, and respects them, and just, um, values their input, and We have some pretty bad ass women at our firm, but when I was growing up in this business, I joined, you know, this industry when I was 26 and yes, I was the only woman in the, in the boardroom.

I was mainly speaking to men on my appointments and I don't know, I just got really used to it and I'm, I am a powerful woman, so it didn't bother me per se. Um, but I've been in scenarios where I had to stick up for myself and I didn't take any bull. And I think at the end of the day, if you're polite and you're professional and you're kind and you say what you need to say, it shuts it down.

I think part of the problem is women feel that they're not entitled to say something. And that's not okay. It's just not okay. And I remember I was with, um, I remember I was with a client. With his accountant and we were just discussing numbers and retirement numbers and things like that And the accountants belittled me in front of our client And then the client excused himself to go to the bathroom and I said to this accountant Don't you ever treat me that way in front of our client again?

It's unacceptable and he apologized and then when the client came back, it was a whole different ballgame Energy was different. The client's behavior was different. It was inclusive. So I think it's really important that women remember their value in that moment and not stand for anything less than the value that they bring to the table and to surround themselves with people that support that.

It's really important because if you want to create a balanced life with your career and your family, You have to have support. You have to have people understanding. And I think that Lennox advisors does that really well because we have an enormous, like I said before, we have an enormous amount of really bad ass women that work there that are leaders in our industry and that elevates everybody at the end of the day.

I love that. And I think you have such a strong point when you say there is a balance in there and myself having come up in male dominated spaces, for me personally, what I found is that I think you I was being assertive and it is statistically proven that women, we are not embracing our assertive side, but for me and myself, and I know other women in order to succeed in a male dominated space, we emulated the men.

And what happened for me and what I've heard for other women is we almost became disconnected with our feminine in the process. And I love how. When you just told that story, you were very conscious about that balance between Yeah. Um, you know, I was corrected by my daughter, my, my woman, child, 23 year old daughter, because I used to say, I understand that I have a masculine side.

And then she said to me, You're just perpetuating the problem when you say that you don't have a masculine side You're a powerful woman and it really opened up my eyes to wow. That is the correct language. You are right I don't have a masculine side I'm a very powerful woman and I think that when women realize that and they use that and they respect it and they respect how others how they know others feel around them if they're a powerful woman because people can be intimidated and I've, I've grown to respect my power and how it makes others feel.

And I've said this before, as long as I'm kind and professional. Um, if they still feel intimidated, that's not my problem. That's not my fault. You know what I mean? Like, I've done everything I can to make you comfortable and like, you just got to get over your own head trash. Like at some point. Yes. What I mean?

Yeah. So, um, yeah, I think, I think women need to understand their power and respect it. Yes. It can really move the needle for so many things, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That's so profound. And I know that. You know, when we consider the history timeline of us women and how long we've actually had some sort of power and control, we are so brand new in the space of making and keeping our own money and assets in the space of our careers.

And so I think there's value in bringing that up because in that initial generation, and like I went through, we have to do it the right way and not abandon ourselves. to get to where it is that we're trying to go. Yeah, I, years and years and years ago. That feels like forever ago. I was in a, a boardroom meeting, colleagues, and this long time ago.

And one of, um, one of the men made a comment to me. Which was, well, you decided to have a family and you decided to have children. So that's why you're not included in XYZ or whatever it is. That person's gone.

Mic drop.

Because that's not. That is, that is not the belief that I feel or the leadership at Lennox Advisors feels that is appropriate. Yes, a lot of things fall on the women. A lot, right? When a kid gets sick, it's the mom. When a kid has surgery, it's the mom. When a kid needs to be picked up from school or whatever it is, the errands, it's the mom.

So there's a lot, there's a big balancing act and I, and I love I love being a mom, right, but if I didn't have the career and I didn't have that balance and I didn't have the support at home and I didn't have the support at work, none of this would really work, right? It would be too difficult and I would feel guilty or I would feel like, I don't know.

I think it's really important that if a woman has gone through college. A really good school, right? Maybe or maybe not, but has gone through college. It, I guess it's okay that some women just want to get married and be a mom. I mean, that's, that's a, that's a tough job and it's totally fine, but it wasn't for me.

I, of course I wanted to be a mom, but I, I wanted something more. And I was really, I'm really grateful that I am with my husband for so long. We've been married for 27 years together for 31 my entire career. We've met at the office. It's always been a relationship of supporting each other in whatever our passions are, whatever our love is, whatever our career aspirations are, whatever our goals are.

That's a true partnership in my, my opinion. And I think it's okay to put that out there prior to getting married or prior to having children to set that. To set, not just a boundary, but to set, to put it out there, like what makes you happy? Because at the end of the day, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? And it's important for women to feel, in my opinion, balanced, uh, in, in a, in a marriage or in a, in a situation where you're both giving and you're both contributing. And it is new for women, I think now, because previously, you know, again, I'm in a male Industry as you said and it is accurate and what I find really interesting is that when I meet with men and I say, you know, let's let's meet for a discovery call.

I need to take a real fact find. Um, when is your wife available to do this with me? And a lot of them say, oh, she's not interested. Well, I retort unapologetically with, I don't think that if you asked your wife, if she's interested, if she wants to stay in the house or not, If something happens to you, I think she's interested in that.

I think she's interested to know if there's enough money to put the kids through college. I think she's also interested to know if there's enough retirement assets to live a long life. Don't tell me she's not interested. She doesn't want to meet after that. If she doesn't want to get into the weeds, that's fine.

But at least she knows who I am. At least she knows where to go and you can't rob her of that. And it's a real, it's a non negotiable for me. I love that. And that's another thing that stood out. To me about you was not only the fact that you value building relationships through what you do. I think it's amazing that you have found.

a home for your career in a company that has such great core values and is so forward thinking and supportive because we do need that especially as women and what you just said I think a lot of women can relate and I want to give women grace for a moment and say It's okay if you're nervous or uninterested to come to the table because historically, we haven't been invited, but what you just did for women is empowered them to say, go, even if you don't think you're interested, like you said, aren't you interested in keeping your home should your husband pass the way, in other words, you should be interested and it's okay if you come to the table, not knowing you.

What's going on? Ask your questions shamelessly because it 100 percent has everything to do with your life and your future. Yeah, I think the living with an unknown is an unnecessary, anxiety provoking. topic. It, you know, it, it, it causes a lot of anxiety for people not understanding, not knowing. And I think that when you know, and it doesn't, like I said, it doesn't have to be weedy.

It doesn't have to be so technical. It could just be, you know, me. And that's enough because I'll take care of you. I have your back, right? If you're not interested, that's fine. Um, but yeah, it's the relationship mainly that, that I find to be so important because I'm not a transactional gal. Yes, I do the transactions, but it's not about the transactions.

It's about building that relationship. Because at the end of the day, I have generation one. Now I'm, now I'm dealing with generation two, and then I'm going to get really old and deal with generation three. And it's really interesting because what I'm leaning into mostly is that people think that once people, for example, like the risk, the risk part of my job, right?

Like life insurance, disability, long term care, people think that they need to build that relationship after death. with the beneficiaries. For example, I completely agree with building the relationship, but why after build it before? Because think about the source of business that you can have, the referral relationships that you could have and, and, and how the whole family understands who I am.

And those relationships will last a very, very long time. So actually this was interesting. Um, I heard somewhere, I can't remember where I read it, but Your parents are only on this earth for a certain period of time, and you have a certain amount of time with them. Your children are going to be on this earth longer than you.

So they won't have you as long as they will live. The only people that are really together from birth till death are siblings. So it's really important now for me and my business to get to know the kids, get to know who they are, get to know the relationship between them because there's, they're the ones that are going to be dealing with this.

So I also think that not only is it the spouse that's important to build that relationship with but, but also all of the beneficiaries and all of the, the entire family. And that's new for me now. I didn't do that before. I'm doing it now. Late into my career, and I should have done it, like if I'm going to tell my younger self, if I was to go back 30 years and tell my younger self what to do, I would say, make sure you build a relationship with the entire family.

And not just the person that writes the check. And it makes perfect sense because if you think about it, when something tragic like that does happen, there is enough to worry about. There are enough, like you called it, unknowns. And just the peace of mind of like, okay, I can actually deal with what happened because I already know my person.

I know where to go and what to do and what's going on. So I can actually be in the moment and grieve the way that I need to grieve and give it the due process that it deserves. So it makes Complete sense. I have, um, a, a female executive client. She's very powerful position in a very big company. And I remember meeting her and she introduced me to her husband who is, um, the caretaker at home and, and he handles a lot of other things.

And I remember her saying, and I quote, I found my person. I, we found our person and she was talking about me. I'm their person that, that means everything to me. It's, you know what I mean? Like for them to say that it's a responsibility that I don't take lightly. at all. So, and I'm extraordinarily grateful for those relationships because those are relationships that I'm building.

And one of the great thing about this career is that you're always learning. You can never stop learning. I'm constantly learning. I'm constantly tweaking and getting better. And, and that like, you can never just peak. It just, there's always something to learn. And that's That's, that's a wonderful thing to have, especially as we age.

No, I'm glad you said that because I talk a lot about knowing who your key financial players are, and you are one of them. And the reason why you have people like you is because. Things are always changing and evolving. We are gurus at what we do respectively, and we have to remain a student of our craft.

And so people can lean on you for things like that because you recognize and consider yourself a student of what you do, because it's always changing. It's always evolving. Um, Um, and I think that, you know, again, the second thing that was so profound to me is how relationships play a role in what you do, not only with your clients, but also as it relates to your story about how you came to do what you do and what you went through that helps you to appreciate it.

Work on these relationships with your client. Yeah, I think you're talking about my dad in 2019 I had learned that he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and had very little time to live and at the time we were estranged and I made a decision that I'm just gonna put all that drama aside and I'm just gonna be there for my dad and We had previously put in life insurance and disability insurance and long term care insurance all on my dad because at the end of the day, he was just like, you're my long term care.

I'm like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. But in a way I was. And you know, he's not wrong. Those kinds of responsibilities do wind up on the kids. And that can be really, you know, that, and it always falls either on the person that's close, proximity, or the person that has the money, or both, right? And so, I did not live near my family, um, they were in Texas, I'm in, I'm in Connecticut.

And so I spent a ton of money traveling, um, dealing with bills, um, I, I, I was doing everything. And it was an, it was, it was a blessing because I got to spend the time with him before he passed. But it was also extremely emotional and stressful because I was dealing with my mother and my sister and the dynamic.

And then when you add the trauma of what is going to happen, and then you stir that pot in with money, it becomes really weird. Mm. Just weird. And at the end of the day, what happened was, you know, he, he eventually passed, but the care that, um, that we had to provide for him and the medications and the schedules and the, just the trauma of it all, um, I think that if money were involved, it would be a lot worse, but the money removed that conversation from our dynamic and all that was left was for us to just, you know, Love him, right?

That's it. So it was, it hit me to the core, like bone deep to the core of the products that I put in place for my clients. I was the client. I was that person that needed the money exactly when I needed it. I didn't want to think about taxes or inflation or the markets. Like I needed cash. And when he passed, I was basically reimbursed.

With everything that I spent, um, and there was a lot that I had to spend money on to help my mom and to help my dad and my sister and it was just a lot of money out of pocket and I was, I was, I got it all back because we had put life insurance on him. So I got all the money back. I didn't care. Whatever it cost to cause because I knew I was getting that money back.

So yeah, nobody really wants to talk about that It's not fun But you know what you talk about it when and you solve those problems when you have the opportunity to solve them and that's when you're not sick or dying or you have to do it when you're Well, and you've got your faculties and you can talk to somebody.

It's, it's so important to plan for these kinds of events when you're healthy and you don't need them per se. Right. So yeah, that rocked me to the core. And after he passed, I was unapologetic about making sure that my clients understood this is real went through it. This is not, it's not okay to ignore.

And they get that, I don't know, there's this, there's this conviction that I have because of the experience that I went through. It's not about the transaction, they can hear that in my voice, right, it's not about that, it's about, look, things are going to go south if you do not fix this, and it's, it's not okay not to.

And it's okay if I get in somebody's face, because I've experienced it. Now if I didn't experience, that would be, I don't know if I would sound as convincing, or I would sound as passionate. But when you go through an experience like that, it rocks you to the core, it changes you for the rest of your life.

Yeah, and on the other hand, you had everything kind of lined up. So like you said, money did not have to be tethered to the situation. But I know it happens a lot where that does happen and people don't have anything in place. And so now, we're faced with money conversations and Our family relationships and it just complicates things so much more.

So how would you suggest to our listeners to start having those conversations? If money is not something they're used to talking about and, you know, communicating about with their family and their loved ones, do you have any tips for people on kind of how to broach that? Yes. For, for families who are young families, raising children and they're young, talk to them often.

About talk to the kids often about money, get them used to talking about it at the dinner table, right? Buy them a piggy bank that has different sections of saving, investing, spending, donating, teach your kids how the dollar works. Create, uh, um, um, tell them to here's your budget. We're going to go on a trip you and your siblings figure out where we're going figure out everything It teaches them how to communicate with each other.

It teaches them the value of what they're getting with the dollar I mean there's I can't tell you how much my children learned when I gave them a budget to fan plan the family vacation and they they planned it and and Now they're adulting and they get what things that when they go on vacations, they're looking at all the prices and the hotels and the Airbnbs and the flights and the points and the credit cards and the this and that.

And it's, and they talk to each other about it. And it's natural to them because they did it when they were growing up. I made them do it when they were growing up. I gave them an allowance, but it wasn't tied to chores or love. or grades at all. And I feel very strongly that children when they're, when they're growing up, it's important for them to get an allowance.

But that allowance, you need to teach them, like I said before, saving, spending, investing, donating. How should I, how should Let them do that. Let them experience that. If they take out the garbage, just thank them because they should be taking out the garbage because they're part of the household and that's their first community.

They get an A on a paper, give them a hug and tell them how proud you are. Show your love and appreciation for their hard work. Tell them how, how, your pride and that they should feel pride. And, you know, that's, that's how you instill those values. Uh, and not tying it to money. Because if you tie love and chores to money, they're going to grow up with that.

And they're going to just, they're going to think of money as, as like, Oh, if I, you know, it's, it's not healthy. And money, money is wonderful, but it's also terrible. And it's, it's how you handle the money that matters. It's not the money itself. It's how you handle it. That matters. So I would say to your listeners.

Do that early and often talk to them about and it's okay if there's conflict because you're going to resolve that conflict but then you're giving them the tools to understand how to resolve the conflict. When you don't talk about it ever and it's taboo then they're entering into another relationship and they're just going to carry that into the next relationship and that's not okay.

It's just not okay. Money is a very powerful thing but again it's powerful based on how people use it. Talk about it, feel about it. And I think that early and often, early and often, I think that's amazing. Um, bringing them up in a situation from a very young age. And I know that some parents are like, well, I wasn't taught money, so I don't know how to teach my kids money.

And so for those of you that that's you, like. If this is the first time you are having conversations, even with little people, like just do it anyway, and at least it's in a very, like we're speaking little kids, so it's a great place to start, actually. Um, and that way, when they don't grow up and get older, they don't have that conditioning and it's not such a taboo thing for them.

What would you say to those who Grew up not talking about money and their siblings are adults and their parents are getting to that age and they're nervous about, okay, I think I need to do this. I want to do this. How do I approach my adult siblings and parents who we've never had these conversations openly and maybe even they can tell that there's going to be some friction there.

I'm role playing now. I love you. I care about you. I know you love me and you care about me and we need to talk about life because we're going to be affected by this because we love you so much and we want to be there for you in a meaningful way, not in a dramatic way or a toxic way, but we just want to be there for you and we need your help to help us do that.

Can you please talk to us about that? Yeah. That's the opener. Oh my gosh, guys, rewind, hit your audio recorder, note, transcript button, and just use that as a script. No, I love that. And what that does is it gives people grace and first and foremost, lets them know that I'm not actually talking to you about money.

I'm talking to you about preparation because I love you and money is. A required piece or a, an inevitable result of what is going to happen, whether we prepare for it or not. And I love that, that there was so much grace in how you just approach that. Yeah. Cause you, you gotta lead with love, not money. If you lead with love.

that opens up the door. Yeah. And it like, it drops the guards right away. Totally. Totally. I, I think the conflict happens because of the situation is daunting and anxiety provoking. Yeah, it really is. And, um, and I think that anxiety can skew somebody's behavior.

I don't know how, I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but I think, you know what I mean? If someone's anxious about something, perhaps the words coming out of their mouths are not going to be so eloquent or, you know what I mean? So if you lead with love and not money, I think it could turn that conversation around into a very positive one and enlightening one.

Yeah. You know, it's, it's so vital to have, and I would say, you know, be the Buffalo and head into that storm because if you could, you don't want to be the cow and go the other way and let the storm catch up to you eventually, just go through it. Oh, I love it. And that brings us full circle. Like you have covered.

Some amazing topics from women stepping into our assertiveness shamelessly, um, and owning our understanding around what all this is and how it affects us all the way down to teaching our children about it and having adult conversations about it, even when we're not used to something like that. And that is also so Very valuable.

And I appreciate that we had the time to go over all of these things. This has been amazing. I, it's, thank you for having me. I'm so glad that I can lean into this and spread that, that wisdom because it's, it's, it's through my experiences and, and through watching and and my career that, that I say these things and my own children and, and how they are today and, um, I hope I can make a difference.

I see it. I see it, and I'm sure this episode will be one of those ways. I hope so. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. So if anybody wants to hear more of what you have to say, where can they find you? They can, um, link, um, on my LinkedIn. I have all my podcasts and things like that on my LinkedIn. They can connect with me on LinkedIn for sure.

And they can also just send me an email if they're interested to talk. It's a large at Lennox, L E N O X one N not two L E N O X A D V I S O R S dot com. And they can just shoot me an email. I'm open. Amazing. And folks, we'll put all of those links into the show notes of this podcast recording as well for ease of access.

So this has been amazing. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing all of this with us. And thank you so much for doing what you're doing by inviting people like me and, and, and spreading this word and to your audience. It's, it's really amazing what you're doing. Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

Thanks. Catch you. Yes. Air five. Air five. That was great. That was good. Thank you. For sure. Put me in a better mood too. Was it one of those for you? I had a tough morning. Um, I have celiac and it causes anxiety and depression sometimes. And I was really not like, I really felt like crap this morning and I put on my face and then the second I saw yours, I felt better.

Uh, oh my gosh, I'm so glad this could be that for you, cause I have those too, like I'll be like, uh, should I just not go, but I'm gonna make myself go, and then you do it, and you're like, I'm so glad I did that. I know, I know. Oh, thank you. Really, you like shifted my whole energy, thank you. Uh. Well, keep that energy with you for the rest of the day.

I'm going to thank you for a new day. I really enjoyed talking to you. I hope we can do it again. Yes, absolutely. My team does all of the things from here. So once they get done with the original edits, they'll go through and kind of do that first draft of edits. Um, and then they'll send it to me so I can really.

Take it in and appreciate it from a high level. I'll record the intro, the exit, and then when it publishes, they will send you everything you could possibly need to share and promote it wherever you like. Perfect. Because I'm going to promote it. Big time. Yes. That's awesome. You're terrific. Thank you so much.

You're really good at what you do. Thank you. I enjoy it. I really do. And yes, we just women need to hear these things and it's people like you that make it so much better than if it was just so it's the village. It's the community. We have community. That's exactly right. Awesome. Well, we will be in touch.

We will stay in touch and we will do this again. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. You have a beautiful day. You too. Talk to you soon. Okay. Bye bye. Bye.