Life, Cancer, Etc.
Life, Cancer, Etc.
What Does My Husband Think?
My husband, Kevin, is the absolute biggest blessing in my life and my favorite person in the world. In this episode, we get his take on the past 7 years and his advice for anybody going through a traumatic season in life.
NOTE: I am not a medical professional. Everyone on the "Life, Cancer, Etc." podcast is sharing their own experiences, not giving medical advice.
Photo ©2019 Heidi Bragg
You can also find some episodes on our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/LifeCancerEtc
I'm Heidi Bragg and this is Life, Cancer, etc. My goal with this podcast is to connect you with stories and resources that help you feel happier, more resilient, and less stressed, especially when you're going through hard times. So today my guest is well-known to me, maybe not so much to you. It's my husband, Kevin. And I'm interested to get his perspective for you guys on some of the same questions that I ask everybody who's a guest on the podcast. So, hey, babe. Hey. Can you tell a little bit about yourself?
SPEAKER_00:Hi, I'm Heidi's husband. That's about it, really.
UNKNOWN:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:That's good enough. If that's all you want to share, you don't have to share anything else. Okay, so can you tell the story of the last, let's say the last seven years, the cancer type stories? Whatever you want to share from your perspective. That's a lot. Pick the highlights or the lowlights, I guess.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I mean... So I'll just... As far as it goes, in terms of my perspective, basically, I've spent my time taking Heidi to doctor's appointments or listen about her results from doctor's appointments and then kind of follow her around trying to make her stay healthy. That, I mean... There's a lot of stuff in between, but I mean, I'm not gonna talk about seven years worth of information, but as far as, from my perspective, that's what it entailed. Oh, and keep track of the other things and the kids and the dogs and other logistics so she can focus on work or medical appointments or medical treatments or healing or recovering.
SPEAKER_01:You make it sound like you're my valet.
SPEAKER_00:I'm a life valet. I
SPEAKER_01:like that. So you were talking with a co-worker recently about something, and we were talking about what the worst part of this whole experience has been. Can you repeat that or whatever? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So, I mean, obviously it's awful to hear about anybody getting sick, especially cancer. And it's obviously awful when it's a loved one. And of course it was traumatic to have to not just learn about it, but learn to accept each of the times she was diagnosed with cancer. But the absolute worst part was having to explain it to our kids, especially the worst time, the worst of the three times she had cancer. Just having to sit them down, explain to them that mom's going to get treatment, but the doctor said she has a 5% chance of survival. And just sitting down and telling their kids that their mom might die. You know, I'm an adult, and Yes, it would be horrible to lose my wife, but I'm an adult. And, you know, I can think through these things better than a child. And, you know, losing your wife is awful. It's not the same as losing your mom when you're a kid. And knowing that for them and then having to explain that to them was by far the worst part of all of it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I would say the second worst part to me, it was the kid thing was by far the worst. Yes. The second worst part, and I'll probably start crying, to me was in the car on the way to radiation. I remember we were driving through Bradenton because there's that part where you can see like the salt marsh and everything. And talking about... The fact that if I died, I wanted you to be happy. And in my head, I wanted you to remarry somebody so that you wouldn't be alone. But I wanted you to only love them like 90%. I
SPEAKER_00:want you to be happy, but not too happy.
SPEAKER_01:Right, because I don't want you to have... I don't want you to have to be alone, but I also... And backstory for those of you who don't know us, we were both in not nice, unhappy, very unhappy first marriages. And this year we will have been married 20 years. So we know what it's like to be unhappily married. And we know what it's like to be in a marriage and feel like you're still alone. So we've gotten married and it was just... especially comparatively, but just in general, it's just been so easy. You are such an easy person to love. You're a full partner in everything we do, and that was just such a revelation to me. So I love you so much that I want you to be happy, but I want to be the one who makes you the most happy. Like, give me that extra 10%. And I know that's childish, and I kind of don't care. Like... I just, those conversations are really, really hard. I don't know. You have anything to say about that?
SPEAKER_00:It got really annoying. She's like, well, maybe if I died, you could marry so-and-so or this person. Wait, did I
SPEAKER_01:actually bring up people?
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I must have been under a lot of, the influence of a lot of drugs.
SPEAKER_00:No, this was before.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, later when we're not doing the podcast, you've got to tell me who I said because I don't even remember. But anyway.
SPEAKER_00:You were like even suggesting people that were still married. It's like, well, if they ever get divorced, you could marry. I'm like, please stop.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I know. Well, your mind goes to really weird places when you're contemplating your own mortality. And that was... Yeah. Well, the thing is, either way, I didn't want that for you, but I knew you would find a way through. I did not know what it would do to the kids.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And that was just... Right, because, I mean, just, you know, all emotion aside, yes, I can get remarried. You can't get a new mom.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, there are stepmothers, and I get that. I'm a stepparent myself, but it's, you know, different than your mom dying. You can get a different mom. You can get an additional mom, but you can't replace your mom.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Wait, so that means you're thinking... You're saying that you could get a replacement wife. We'll have a conversation about that when this is done, too. No, I'm kidding. What are some things you wish you'd known ahead of time that you'd do differently if you could do it again? Are there any?
SPEAKER_00:I don't really think so. I don't think there's anything I would have done... I think the only thing is I wish I would have understood how much more is involved when they say you're going to have cancer treatment. It's like, okay, I get that we have to go to a whole bunch of radiation appointments. I get that chemo is unhealthy, but there's just so many other things either involved in that phrase involved. cancer treatment or in the logistics of life when somebody's going through cancer treatment. It'll become like if you have a side gig for a job or a hobby or any of those things, you don't anymore. You can go to your job, most likely, and the rest of your time is spent helping with whoever, whatever.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. That's true. Kev has this phrase, he says, when stuff like that happens, he becomes bare minimum man and just tries to do the very basic things it takes to keep the family running, to keep the house going, to keep the job and whatever, because all of his other time and energy and everything else went to helping me, supporting me, transporting me, getting arrangements for somebody else to transport me when he couldn't, etc. Yeah,
SPEAKER_00:I think... So your question was, what would I do differently? But I guess a better question would be perhaps, what do I think people should know going in? Because, you know, you'd had cancer a couple, three times. So, I mean, I've learned a lot in the last seven years about how this works. And when I was married before and getting divorced, and then, well, we got married and I was hospitalized and couldn't walk for four months. So this wasn't my first go-round with stuff like this. So if it is your first go-round with something big and traumatic and long-term, then I guess the best piece of advice is understand that that becomes everything but your full-time job. It becomes any time that you spent, like I said, with hobbies or free time, Or this or that or the other thing. Plan on not doing any of that for a long time. But know that, and this sounds awful, ultimately it will come to an end one way or another and you can go back to doing things you enjoy. Know it's not permanent, but know it's going to last longer than is comfortable. That's a good way to put that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and even just the... like the physical effects to my body and the things we've had to deal with afterward to help things that have come up as a result are just things we didn't necessarily know going into it and honestly I don't know that I wouldn't have done anything differently and it's probably better that I didn't know all the different things that could happen possibly because you know it doesn't matter the stuff we did save my life so yeah okay So this is another question that's kind of related though. What have you learned or what's your biggest takeaway from the experience? Is that it or is there something else?
SPEAKER_00:Again, I'm going to have to qualify that as experiences because I'm going to lump that. this, your cancer diagnoses and treatments all together with, it's like any other big life trauma. In addition to knowing that it's going to take all of your time, know that, I don't know, it's hard because You're still here. And I know a lot of people are going to go through all of this and it's going to take all their time and energy. And in the end, the essentially have nothing to show for it. They're going to lose somebody and they will have done all of that. And I imagine people, I can only imagine that people will just sit there and go, why did I expend all that energy for? But in the end, That's all you can do. You can just do your best. Well, you may be a doctor, but most of us are not doctors. We're not miracle workers. You do your best and you pray. And if nothing else, in the end, you know you did your best. And for us, it turned out really well. For other people, it won't. But all you do is, and that's all you can do, is just do your best. And for us, in our belief system, we know that those efforts after this life, you'll be able to enjoy the fruits of that with the person you loved later on. And they'll know, and they'll be able to thank you for all the efforts. So it doesn't really go for nothing. It just perhaps might seem like it, unless you... get lucky, so to speak, like we did.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Okay. Man, you make me cry. Any tips or tricks that you haven't already shared?
SPEAKER_00:So I would say that, you know, I said... in several different ways that you have to just kind of give up everything. But the one thing I wouldn't give up is some sort of exercise. You're not going to have, you're going to be able to find time to watch TV late at night. You know, everybody finds time to do that or look at stupid YouTube videos or research something interesting to you while you're waiting at the hospital for hours. But, um, And that's good for your brain, but you can't just care for somebody and take care of kids and run a household. It gets hard on your body. And then of course, if you become unhealthy and you have two unhealthy people and that's not cool. So it's not so much just so you can be healthy and feel healthy for your sake, it is, But the other is you have to stay healthy for the other person's sake because they can't get healthy right then. It's going to take them a long time. So you have to be physically capable enough for two people.
SPEAKER_01:And I think that helped you keep the stress at a manageable level too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And I mentioned you can find mental outlets, fun things to do, but the... The physical exercise also helps with the mental stuff. It's a good outlet.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, it is. Okay. So the last two things are good, easy things. Anything else you want to say before we do those? No. Okay. So the next one is bucket list items. Just choose one or two off your list.
SPEAKER_00:But I have so many. I
SPEAKER_01:know.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I'll also throw this in while we're talking about it. While you spend those... months, years, whatever, dealing with this, it's okay to spend time, you know, dreaming and planning about what you're going to do when it's over. It gives a little, besides the fact that it's an entertaining mental exercise and a, I don't know, an escapist activity to get you away from what you're currently dealing with. But it also gives you hope, something to look forward to, a reason to keep trying. So a lot of things I planned were hiking trips, overseas travel, and buying a motorcycle and doing cross-country travel on that.
SPEAKER_01:I might add that those trips are all meticulously planned. To a T. To
SPEAKER_00:a
SPEAKER_01:T. When I got well, was that 2019? Is that right, I think? When I got well, we had a plan that once I was well enough, we were going to go to Italy as a family, and we did. And it was, I mean, it was all very, very well planned out. It was a fabulous two-week vacation. Yeah. And that was something to do both individually and together during that time to kind of help me get some hope for the future.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Just have something to look forward to. Okay, the last one is your favorite place or places to be. I
SPEAKER_00:like a lot of different places.
SPEAKER_01:You don't have to choose
SPEAKER_00:one. I like... Okay, one of my favorite places, the easiest one is, because everybody generally, well, except for kind of now, but when everybody's done on Friday and they're all asleep and I'm done with work and I know I don't have to go to work the next day and I just sit on the couch and either... I used to watch more TV. Now I don't find anything I want to watch. So it's either YouTube videos or maybe a book. But just sit there on the couch when the house is quiet and... just sit there doing that until I like fall over and fall asleep. It usually isn't that long. Yeah. It's like complete abandon. I don't have to do anything. I can just sit there as long as I want and then fall asleep. That's a good place. I love being outside. Nice places. The beach, the woods, lakes, trails. away from everything you notice both of my things are places where nobody's around and it's quiet and nobody can tell me to do anything and I don't get phone calls or text messages or interruptions or
SPEAKER_01:yeah one of mine that I know you like too is when we start talking late at night and we can't sleep and then we just sit there and talk till the early hours of the morning
SPEAKER_00:yeah
SPEAKER_01:His are not all solitary. There are some that occur with other people.
SPEAKER_00:Those are the ones that are harder to find. It's the solitary ones.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, so true.
SPEAKER_00:They're rarer.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Well, thank you for doing this, babe.
SPEAKER_00:Anytime.
SPEAKER_01:He is my very favorite person in the world. And I wake up grateful every single day that we get to do life together and raise this family together and just be partners, like full partners. It's pretty darn amazing. This week, as you go about your daily life, please do something nice for somebody else. Then look for the good, count your blessings, Thanks for listening.