Life, Cancer, Etc.
Life, Cancer, Etc.
What's It Like for Your Kids When You Have Cancer?
Our daughter, Téa, is a fabulous person who's been through a lot. Though she's grown up now, she shares her perspective as a child who had to deal with my multiple cancer diagnoses. Seeing things through her eyes can help you support other kids who are going through the same thing.
NOTE: I am not a medical professional. Everyone on the "Life, Cancer, Etc." podcast is sharing their own experiences, not giving medical advice.
Photo © 2019 Heidi Bragg
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I'm Heidi Bragg and this is Life, Cancer, Etc. My goal with this podcast is to connect you with stories and resources that help you feel happier, more resilient, and less stressed, especially when you're going through hard times. So today I'm talking with our daughter, Taya. And Tae, do you want to tell a little bit about yourself? Sure.
SPEAKER_01:Hello, I'm Tae. I'm 19. I'm a freshman, almost sophomore in college, and I'm studying horticulture.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and she's awesome. Thanks. Okay, so I'm interested to hear about this stuff from your perspective. Like, you can tell as much or as little as you want. You can start with the first time when you were, what, 11 when I was diagnosed the first time? Yeah, 11 or 12. I was in sixth grade, I think. Yeah, I think so. So anyway, start with, like, how your perception of this as, first of all, a young kid whose mom got diagnosed with cancer.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, I remember when we sat down and you guys, you and dad were telling us that we all needed to talk and I knew that meant something. Um, and then we all sat down in the living room and just walking in, I could feel something was wrong. And the look you guys had on your faces was freaky. Um, it was just very scary before anything was even said. Cause I could just tell something was something big had happened, but, um, it was, um, Just the word cancer is freaky because everybody knows somebody who's had it or a family member has had it. But it's like we've talked about, it's just different when it happens to you. And even though the first time was the colon cancer and they were able to get everything out and you were fine, it's still just very daunting and overwhelming as a kid, no matter how old you are, but especially as a kid.
SPEAKER_00:Did you wake up that night that I had to go– that the ambulance came and I had to go back?
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Yep. I was in bed and, um, kind of like waking up a little bit and I didn't know if it was just because of the noise from everybody in our house or what, but, um, yeah I was like half asleep and I just got a strong feeling that I need to look out the window I was on the second story of our house and um looking out the window that window particularly showed our driveway and I was like I'm no I want to go to sleep and I just got that feeling really strongly again I was like okay whatever so I got out of bed and I see peek open the blinds and there's an ambulance in the driveway that was terrifying so I like just got out of bed and I went to go find you guys and um Remember that hallway? It was me and Mateo's room. And then it was a straight shot looking into your room with the door open. So all I saw was you on the bed, like super pale. I thought you were dead for a couple seconds. Yeah. You were sitting there, your eyes were closed. You were sitting up. You were totally pale. Yeah. It was terrifying. And then I was like, okay, I can't talk to her right now. And I went to find dad and I EMT like passed me going into your bedroom. And I was just like, what the heck happened? He was like, oh, she's okay. She just needs to go back to the hospital. But, yeah, that was definitely one of the scariest moments of my life, for sure. I
SPEAKER_00:didn't know you thought I was dead, honey. I'm so sorry. Oh,
SPEAKER_01:yeah. You were super pale and not moving. And you were, like, taking really big, deep breaths. Yeah, I was freaky. I didn't, like, you know, I figured if there were EMTs everywhere and dad was just down there, it wasn't. You weren't actually. But definitely for the few– my first– initial response was that I thought you were,
SPEAKER_00:yeah. So what had happened was, is I had just had the surgery to remove my colon and they basically created what I call my Franken colon. Um, and because it was such an extent and they'd taken out a bunch of lymph nodes and a bunch of other tissue. Um, and because it was such an extensive surgery, it caused a bowel obstruction. And so bowel obstructions can be very dangerous. Um, They're also incredibly painful, P.S., because I've had a few after surgeries. And so, oh, I was in a lot of pain. I had to go back to the hospital. I had an NG tube and all these other things. I was there for about five days. But I had just gotten home. Like, literally, I had just gotten home from the hospital the day before. And this was Thanksgiving. It was like at 3 a.m. Thanksgiving morning or something. Was it Thanksgiving? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I came home on Wednesday to hopefully be home for Thanksgiving. And I was back on Thursday and I think Kimberly came and stayed with you guys. Right. Was it
SPEAKER_01:Kimberly? No. I remember people bringing us food, but I don't remember if she stayed.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I think Kimberly came that night to stay with you guys. So Kev could go with me to the hospital. Yeah. That was fun. That was fun. Oh yeah. So as a kid, um, what are some things you wish you'd, Well, okay. Let's talk about, okay. So there was that one. And then we had like a, what a five year break. Was it really five years? I think so. Right.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Well, yeah. Almost,
SPEAKER_00:almost five years. Cause it was, it was November of 2018. I'm twice November, 2013 to may of 2018. Yeah. And so what about the heart one?
SPEAKER_01:That one was way worse just because it was, I mean, still the same awful gut feeling sitting down knowing you and dad had to talk to us, but it was way more serious and you had a 5% chance of living. And what we knew at that point was we didn't think that chemo and radiation were going to be worth it yet because you were like, well, I don't want to just feel awful for the last couple of months I have left to live. Yeah. Thankfully, that's not what ended up happening. But that was our initial, your initial response. And then seeing dad just not being able to talk because he was going to cry was crazy because dad never cries. And yes, it's interesting. Some people say that about their dads just because they don't really express emotion. And he does, but just he doesn't cry. That was that hit kind of made it set in more how significant it was. And just, yeah, just the spiraling thoughts about you being gone and funerals and us just not having a mom for the rest of that time as a teenager was awful. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't necessarily remember my initial thoughts, but.
SPEAKER_00:What did you guys, what did you guys think? Um, when I had to go have the emergency open heart surgery. So we've gone to the ER and then I went to the hospital that night and they kept me overnight. And then the next day you guys came with dad late at night and they gave me a blessing. Oh yeah. Remember that? And that was before we knew cancer. We just thought there was some massive tumor in my heart.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I forgot that we came that night. That's weird. I haven't thought about that in a long time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Block a lot of that stuff out. Cause it's just so weird.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's definitely true. I was just telling my roommate that we were listening to the beginning of the podcast you did with dad and how weird it was because I was listening to it like it was somebody else telling a story. And I was like, oh, yeah, nope, that that was me. That was us.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. That one, I think that was the worst one. The third cancer is just lazy cancer. And it's funny because I asked you guys. So are you guys okay? You're like, yeah, we're kind of used to it by now. And this one's not a bad one like that. So whatever. Better than the last one. Even better than the first one. So that tells you, yeah. It's true. So in all of this stuff, we tried to be very open with you guys and let you know what was going on. Because at least for me as a kid, my imagination of how bad things could be would almost always be worse than the reality. And we didn't want you guys to feel like you didn't know what was going on. Do you feel like we did an okay job of that?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, definitely. I mean, I think you did the best you could with the circumstances. It's not like you had a dry run for it at all. I think for me, personally, I wish you guys would have told me a little more because I'd rather be, I mean, it's a scary situation anyway. I don't think I would have gotten more scared because you told me more. information at least in that situation um but i'm just knowing that you guys were having conversations about wills and funerals and if something happened to dad and you were already gone where we would go um and just all of that still being in high school was just weird and bad um but yeah i mean i definitely think for the most part you guys did I mean, you, yeah, you definitely did the best you could with the circumstances for me. Yeah. But like I said, for me personally, I would have liked to know more sometimes. But that's just how I work. I'd rather just know stuff and
SPEAKER_00:deal
SPEAKER_01:with it than just assume.
SPEAKER_00:What were things we should have told you that we didn't? Like, are there any, can you think of any specifics? Because I think that might be helpful for parents to kind of hear from your perspective.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. You didn't really sugarcoat it. And that was important. I definitely would recommend if you have to break this down to your kids, even if it's a little kid, don't sugarcoat it, but maybe withhold if it's too serious for a child child to know. But I think sometimes you guys would wait until you had more information to tell us something. And just for me, it would have been easier to say, we don't know this yet. instead of just waiting until you're like, Oh, we waited to tell you this because we didn't know. But it almost, for me, I would have preferred just knowing, um, that you didn't know instead of just thinking things and making things up. Um,
SPEAKER_00:but yeah, for tests say, we don't know, but we're going to get tests, that kind of a thing.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah. Sort of. Yeah. That. And just, I appreciated that you guys were straightforward with us. Um, And you didn't, I think, well, I think you did try to hide feelings sometimes just because it was so much going on, but you were still clear with us. And yeah, I mean, you didn't pretend to feel better because you wanted us to not see you sick, but yeah, and just so much, so much happening for so long.
SPEAKER_00:So what did you do to kind of take care of your own mental health? The stuff that we couldn't help you with. What did you do with that stuff?
SPEAKER_01:Well, you were diagnosed right before summer, right? So we had all the... Yeah, so our church has a big camp they do for all of the young women in the region, basically, that are in the youth program. And... It was just weird going to that, knowing everything that was happening at home. But it was really good that I did that and still hanging out with friends and just leaving as much normalcy as you can, considering the circumstances. But you can't just drop everything and fix it. That's not going to help anybody. And you can't. But yeah, just trying to keep your life's pace as normal. normal as possible while still addressing all of the things that were happening that needed to be addressed
SPEAKER_00:yeah well and people were very kind to bring the freezer meals and say do the kids want to go do something and and we could have them over and
SPEAKER_01:yeah if that hadn't happened it probably would have been way worse mentally but it's just knowing that people cared and not having to worry about Even me worrying about you worrying about needing to get dinner. That just wasn't an issue. But yeah, we definitely had a lot of people helping us for all the times that you had cancer.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. They were awesome. What are some things you wish you'd known ahead of time or things you'd do differently if we had to go through it again? I
SPEAKER_01:wish I'd known ahead of time how much... It would affect me in small ways after, but also knowing how much I would learn and how much more empathetic it had made me. I think I'm generally already like that, but it just helped a lot and helped me better how to have hard conversations. Obviously, I would have loved to know that you wouldn't die. That would have been awesome to know ahead of time, but that's not how that works.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That was the worst part. That was the worst part, is knowing what it put you kids through. Dad and I talk about that on the one you guys were listening to, that telling you guys was the worst part.
SPEAKER_01:Listening to you and Dad talking about that and say that, it was just weird. I was like, yeah, I was there. That was me. Yeah. It's interesting how much we block out or just... let slide from our memory because it was just so traumatic.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So strong emotions that you just don't really even remember feeling because it was so much, so overwhelming. I wish I too had known how much help dad would need to.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. So
SPEAKER_01:you did a ton.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, because he bore the weight of everything.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, and the first time he had cancer when it was the colon cancer, him driving us to the hospital after work and after school.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Good times, good times.
SPEAKER_01:Fun memories, fun family memories.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, geez.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we're not sarcastic in our family at all. I don't know if anybody had already picked up on that from your other podcasts.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, probably. Anything else you'd do differently? Anything you'd do differently if we had to go through this again? Or if you were a kid going through it for the first time? Well,
SPEAKER_01:yeah, too. Just mentally preparing for how much it would affect you for the rest of your life. Because obviously I didn't think you were going to recover 100% back. But it's been definitely a lot more differences in your ability to do stuff. Like, you know, going back for checkups all the time. I hadn't really thought that far ahead about how that would affect lots of things. And your health is so much better now, obviously. But just generally how different it would be for you and having to just understand that. That would have been nice to know before. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. It's because it really does change things. I mean, it does. Your body's not the same. Nope. And it won't ever be. And I think coming to a place of peace with that, like making it the best you can without beating yourself up about the fact that it's not going to be the same. Yep.
SPEAKER_01:And having to see you do that to go through that mentally and just realize, okay, this is, this is it from here on out. It can improve to a point, but I can't, Go back 100% was sad, too, because I was like, yeah, you want to. I mean, it's not that you didn't have a desire to get super healthy, but it just couldn't. And you're very healthy for your age, especially considering everything, but it's still just not the same. And that was sad to see you have to just kind of come to terms with that and understand that it just wouldn't be different.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. It's kind of like you kind of grieve for what you thought things would be. Grateful that you're here, but you do grieve for what you thought things would be like. Absolutely. What have you learned or what's your biggest takeaway from this experience?
SPEAKER_01:Kind of mentioned before, but just the empathy and the understanding. It opened my eyes a lot to a whole different kind of hurt that people feel. like obviously reiterated the importance of family and, um, time matters a lot and just your priorities. And, um, remembering that, I mean, looking back now to at this point in my life, recognizing that like those things were so hard, but there's been harder and you made it out. And so did we.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Well, and you guys are all very compassionate, empathetic people. And I hate that this is the way you learn those skills, but I am so proud of the way you use them to help other people. I really am.
SPEAKER_01:Thanks. Yeah, it's definitely a unique tool, but it's one that can work just as well.
SPEAKER_00:So, um, Any tips or tricks for parents or kids who are going through this?
SPEAKER_01:Be honest, be open, be aware of the hard conversations you're going to have. Not that they'll be easy as they continue having them, but I mean, yeah, don't, don't, try to idealize a future that you know won't happen but don't be pessimistic because that isn't good for anybody
SPEAKER_00:yeah
SPEAKER_01:yeah I don't know I mean it was different for every kind of cancer even though it was the same you and the same me and the same all of us but yeah any crazy medical thing is crazy and different it's just going to be unique for every situation
SPEAKER_00:yeah and it's I mean acknowledging that it's stressful and like trying to build in space and time and and things that you can do that help relieve some of that stress where you can like you said trying to get as much normal in the day as you can for your children
SPEAKER_01:yep and if if things need to change in order to adapt well things will need to change in order to adapt but if you're um, things you do to feel normal need to change too, then do that because whatever keeps you functional is important, especially when you're dealing with anything like that.
SPEAKER_00:You're right. You're a smart kid. What can I say? So, uh, now the fun stuff. So the next thing is what are some bucket list items you have?
SPEAKER_01:Oh man. Um, Want to go to all 50 states. Been to over half. I think I've been to like 30-ish, close
SPEAKER_00:to it.
SPEAKER_01:Definitely want to, I mean, traveling just in general, but just all the good traveling stuff and the good adult stuff, like getting married and having a family. Those are pretty cool too, so I've heard. And Sorry, did you say five stars? I thought there's a lot. I'm excited to get my degree and just continue learning, but this is more like next 10 years sort of bucket list thing. That's okay. I definitely want to do a whole ton of traveling. That's what our family likes to do. It's true.
SPEAKER_00:okay and the last place the last thing is um tell me your favorite place to be and it doesn't have to be just one some of your favorite places to be
SPEAKER_01:um hmm there's a lot there's a lot um I really like when you're with people and you're laughing super hard and you just can't stop laughing and everybody's just looking at each other and not able to breathe. That's super fun. Um, of course I like the outdoors and, um, sometimes when it's like loud, like lots of birds or something that makes it loud, like if you're in a forest and so you're just focused on that or when it's super quiet and you're just feeling really peaceful. Um, I don't know. There's lots of places. I think it's more moments than places really. I
SPEAKER_00:like that.
SPEAKER_01:Thanks. Just came up with that myself. No, that's really good.
SPEAKER_00:I had one of those when we were sitting on the beach this past week, like digging through a pile of shells and talking. And when we were on those rocks. Yeah. That was beautiful.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Definitely think it's more moments. Yeah. Sometimes it's, yeah, it's usually not aware, but when. I
SPEAKER_00:like that. Well, thanks for doing this, Curly.
SPEAKER_01:You're welcome. I love you a lot. Love you
SPEAKER_00:too. You know, if there's one silver lining about watching your kids go through really difficult, sometimes heart-wrenching experiences at very early ages, it's seeing the compassion and empathy and wisdom that they develop as a result. I'm so proud of Taya. I'm so grateful for the kindness and love and help she's given me over the years. And it's wonderful to see the woman she's become. As you go around the world this week, please do something nice for somebody else. Then look for the good and count your blessings and make it a great week. Please remember to subscribe and share this podcast with somebody you feel it could help. Thanks for listening.