It's Okay Not to Want Kids

We tackle a topic that's often judged or ignored in women's circles: it's okay to not want to be a mom. Society places enormous pressure on women to have children, but nearly half of childless adults in America say they never want kids – and that number is growing.

• Jess's sister knew early on that motherhood wasn't for her, though she's a loving aunt and nurturing in other ways
• Steph shares her personal experience of never wanting children, even from a young age
• Recent Pew Research shows 47% of childless adults don't expect to have children, up 10% since 2018
• We explore how women often judge other women for choosing not to have children
• Many women nurture through other means - mentoring, creativity, supporting community
• Discussion of the tension between those struggling with infertility and those choosing to remain childless
• Support for women navigating pregnancy decisions through resource centers and church ministries
• Recognition that everyone's journey is different and deserves respect

Whether you're a mom, an auntie, a teacher, a friend, or simply you – your identity is not limited to motherhood.

Transcript

Welcome to the Jesus Fix It Podcast

Jess 0:03

Hey , welcome back , or welcome to the Jesus Fix it podcast , the show where we talk about life , the ups , the downs , a little pop culture and everything in between .

Steph 0:12

I'm Jess and I'm Steph , every other week we dive into the things we're asking Jesus to fix . And let's be real , there's a lot . You can always count on us to keep it real .

Jess 0:24

Share some laughs with us , and maybe a few tears , as we tackle the big and small stuff with faith and honesty . So grab your coffee and let's get into

It's Okay to Not Want Kids

Jess 0:32

it . Let's talk about something that's often whispered about , judged or totally ignored it's okay to not want to be a mom . Thank you . First of all , though , Happy Mother's Day to all the moms who just celebrated Mother's Day . Is that weird to say that after I said what I just said . Okay , jess , maybe I should have started with Happy Mother's Day , happy .

Steph 1:02

Mother's Day . Okay , you know what Sometimes I'm backwards's Day , okay , you know what ?

Jess 1:07

Sometimes I'm backwards , that's okay . You know what ? Okay , anyway , y'all , I need some more coffee , okay . But seriously , though , people whisper , that's like the thing that's , I don't know , I don't want to even say that it's whispered about in the Christian circle , I think , just in general in the women's women's circle .

Jess 1:34

Women's world Women's world , not the magazine , not the magazine . But seriously , is that still a thing ? I think it is . In some of the groups that I've been a part of , I think it's been like a taboo type of subject oh , you're not a mom or you don't want to be .

Steph 1:49

I feel like it is more in the Christian world . You think so I do , because society says have your career , make something of yourself first , and then , if you want to consider having kids , you could . But you got to make something of yourself first and the stay-at-home mom in society is looked down upon so much , you think .

Jess 2:12

I do my sister . She is 40 something 40 . I think she just turned 42 . I should know how old my sister is .

Jess 2:20

I think she just turned 40 . She's either 41 or 42 . She's 40 something . How about that ? She knows she does not want to be a mom , does not have that desire . She loves being an auntie . She is the best auntie , loves being an auntie to my boys . And she said as soon as I had those boys she knew this is me , I am happy being an auntie . I will love those boys for life . Anything that I have in this world I'm leaving it to those boys .

Jess 2:52

But her friends who are married with children are like how could you not want to have your own ? And it wasn't even a thing with her that I want to have my career . She's just like I don't have that maternal instinct or feeling , but I think she's very maternal because she may not be a mama but she is a mama bear . So I don't think it's that . She just knew that if it's up to her to have to birth a child or be responsible for humans herself , she don't want any part of that . Now , if she would have had to take over raising my kids , of course she would have been down for that Different story .

Jess 3:32

But she knew that she didn't want to actually be a mom herself and I think that's okay . But the judgment that she got from her own circle of friends what do you mean ? You don't want to be a mom and not all of her friends are believers , so I can't honestly say that I think it's a Christian thing .

Steph 3:52

I got you .

Jess 3:53

I think it was just expected that , because she's a woman , she was expected to bear children , expecting .

Steph 4:00

Right yeah .

Jess 4:02

Well , I understand Tony .

Steph 4:04

Yeah , I totally get it , I 43 .

Jess 4:07

No , I gotta think you know how old you are what is up with this ?

Steph 4:11

I think I'm turning 44 this year now are you forgetting on purpose ? No , hello . Menopause or perimenopause , that's a whole different topic for a whole different day . But I never wanted to be a mom . So you're just like my sister . Okay , I get it , I feel , but I never wanted to be a mom .

Jess 4:24

So you're just like my sister . Okay , I get it . I feel like there . I never had that desire . There are so many others like you and my sister , mm-hmm .

Steph 4:32

Okay , yeah , I mean , I've been doing some research on this and apparently there is a Pew Research study that just came out

Research on Childless by Choice

Steph 4:45

47% of US adults who aren't parents say they don't expect to ever want children . They don't want to have them , they just don't want kids . It has increased 10% since 2018 . Why ?

Jess 4:50

do you think it's so hard for us women to accept that other women don't want to be moms ?

Steph 4:56

I mean , it's not hard for me to accept that . I know what you're saying , yeah .

Jess 5:00

Like somebody like me , like I knew early on I wanted to be a mom , like I always knew there was a point that I doubted it , but I circled back Like I . Always I played with Barbie dolls up until I was like 14 , 15 . My aunts were worried because they were like she is never going to outgrow playing with Barbie dolls . They really did . And my mom was like leave her alone . I want her to stay young as long as she can .

Jess 5:27

And then , like my babies , my baby dolls were oh my goodness . I loved playing with my baby dolls . I feel like I was born to be a mom . I love being a mom . Then , after I had my first child , I went through a severe bout of postpartum depression and I immediately thought what have I done ? Why did I do this ? But that all went away and I think , oh my word , god made me to be a mom . I cannot imagine my life not being a mom . I already know this is one of the things God put me here to do , but I don't knock anybody else and I actually think it is . It says a lot that if you already know that being a mom is not something you want to do and you decide not to do it , thank God for you for not .

Steph 6:21

Do you know what I mean ? Right , no , I told which more people more people need people .

Jess 6:25

If you know that if that is not , then you know what I'm saying .

Steph 6:30

Well , and if you find yourself in the position where you're pregnant and you know you don't want to be a mom . There are so many loving families as a child who is adopted I was adopted . There are so many loving families that are desperate to love a child . They're desperate for it Right , and for a variety of reasons , they either can't have it , they don't feel like their family's already fulfilled enough . They've had natural kids , but they still want . Whatever the situation is . Oh my gosh , like the phrase is , adoption is the loving option , and it's so true or they're just people like me who just want to be a mom , who just want to be a mom and want to love all the kids .

Steph 7:11

Right , right , yeah , I mean yeah for me not wanting to be a mom , it goes back to like my first job ever . When I was like 12 I did the Red Cross babysitting seminar in order to be a certified Red Cross babysitter and I hated it .

Jess 7:29

I mean , I knew when I was 12 , I did not ever want to be a mom , you know , I'm gonna have to ask my sister because my sister , both of us were in Girl Scouts and we were both leaders and she hated it . She hated being the leader of the younger girl scouts . She was like I never want to be in charge of littles . And then we both had babysitting jobs and she could not stand it and this is the thing .

Jess 7:55

Little kids love her . She used to cannot stand little kids and little kids absolutely flock to her . It's the weirdest , weirdest thing .

Steph 8:04

It's like an animal when you don't like a specific . If Jess is around a dog or a cat , it's going to come to her and she's not going to want it .

Jess 8:11

The dogs love me . Why ? I am not an animal lover , would never mistreat an animal , but they love me Right , Same for her . She loves my boys . She will be around children . Never would Loves my boys . She will be around children . Never would ever mistreat a child . But she does not want to be around children all the time , but all the kids flock to her . This is the weirdest thing ever . And then she was .

Jess 8:36

She had some type of counseling job too , Like a summer program thing , and I think she was maybe 13 or 14 and she knew then , not doing this , not happening .

Steph 8:50

Huh , yeah , I mean it was . It was from a very young age .

Jess 8:54

Y'all were traumatized , huh I guess .

Steph 8:56

So I mean I married into a family that has some kids , a lot of kids . I don't know what defines a lot of kids , but my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have four kids , yeah , and their age ranges are like I think the oldest is 16 and the youngest is like nine or ten , right in that time time , that age range . Okay , I've only been married less than two years , so forgive me for not knowing their ages . Now I can accept them a bit better . But when my husband , mike , and I first started dating the youngest he's the youngest of his family of five , the youngest of his nieces she , she and him are just two peas in a pod and I don't understand it like I love that . He loves her so much . It is precious . They facetime each other all the time . It is so precious .

Steph 9:46

Yeah , I couldn't stand her when I first started dating him because she was like six or seven and she was attention getting , attention seeking all the time and and I'm just like why ? But that's because I didn't grow up with I had one sibling he was a little bit older . I didn't have , I was never even around like I was never around a bunch of cousins . I was never around any other siblings Like , I was never really engrossed in what big family dynamic looks like . And now I can look back and I can see that I can grow , I can understand .

Jess 10:19

Okay , Because I was going to ask maybe you see it as attention seeking when it was just her being a kid .

Steph 10:26

Right , and that's what it was . Okay , yeah , yeah , I totally can see that now . Okay , I absolutely see that now . Okay , you know , but at the time I'm just like what you actually need care .

Jess 10:38

Oh my gosh , what is this ? You're six , yeah , yeah .

Steph 10:44

And now , whenever we do see them , I'm just like give me the biggest hug . I just will love on them . If we lived near them I would be so happy to go and help out and let the parents have a date night because good grief for kids , you know , and that sort of thing but I'm like give me the kids in a short amount of time , I'm good yeah .

Jess 11:05

I'm good , but you know , what else I'm finding is people like you and my sister and so many others who don't want kids . I'm finding that God gave you an ability to nurture in other ways through nurturing to other people's kids , nurturing through being a mentor or through leadership or creativity , because my sister may not be the mom type of nurturer , but I see her nurture in so many other ways . She's the best dog mama . But I also see her nurture through people at church . I see her taking care of older people .

Jess 11:48

She's so creative and she is so artistic artistic and because she doesn't have kids , she has time to do so many things and just perfect that creativity . Because she's not tied down and I feel like God gave her gifts that she's able to nurture because of her not wanting to have kids , she's able to grow those things . Does that make sense , right ?

Steph 12:15

Yeah , I get that . I think it totally makes sense and I appreciate what you said , that just because somebody who doesn't want to have their own kids doesn't mean that they aren't a caring , loving person in another manner . I really appreciate that you said that because I feel that for myself . I was at church a couple weeks ago and saw they were doing baptisms and there was a teenage girl who was getting baptized but everybody around her were males Male that was , you know pastor that was doing the baptism and a couple other guys sitting around . So as soon as she came out of the water it was like who's there ? Nobody was there to envelop her in that towel and just give her a hug . Congratulate .

Steph 12:54

And I understand that separation . I totally get that male-female separation . But it broke my heart and it took everything in me to sit in that seat and not run up to the front and grab that towel . And so then I said to my church let me be that person Whenever you have a female getting baptized . That's how I can help nurture and I can help out in that way . That's where I find myself being fulfilled helping others but still having my own time . Yeah .

Jess 13:24

I just feel like we all have a responsibility to embrace people in whatever season they're in , whatever decision they make . But especially as women who decide whether you want to be a mom or not , I feel like we have a responsibility to support each other , because I've heard so many times oh , you're not a mom , you won't understand . Right , you know , just because somebody isn't a mom doesn't mean they don't understand , whatever it may be . Now , sometimes you may not understand some of the things , but somebody had , you Do . You know what I mean ? And I just feel like just counting somebody out or counting another woman out just because they don't have kids or they don't want to have kids , now , sometimes not having kids is not their choice .

Steph 14:21

Right , Absolutely . So you got to keep that in mind too .

Jess 14:24

I just still feel , like you know , sometimes we can be insensitive and hard on each other , which is really unfortunate .

Steph 14:30

Yeah , it is . It's so heartbreaking when , like you don't understand anybody's journey and like you can say , okay , I've been through an adoption process . But if somebody is trying to do like an adoption process a , it's expensive , it is very expensive , it is difficult , there are so many things that you have to do for that . And if you're choosing to adopt in the US , I mean , maybe I'm wrong on this , but I think it is more difficult than if you choose to go overseas and try to do adoption , and so if you know somebody that's walking through that situation , like you can come alongside them , help

Nurturing in Different Ways

Steph 15:07

them out . That whole sympathizing and empathizing thing . I get the two confused , but I feel like often , as women , we tend to be a little too me-centric .

Jess 15:19

Yeah , yeah . I also feel like there are people who , right now , they just don't know . I know some . There's a lady I go to church with and she's like I just don't know right now . And she is well . Her and her husband are really going through it because they're getting it from both sides of the family . You've been married for two years and y'all don't know whether you're going to give us grandkids or not . What is the problem ? And they're like we're just enjoying each other . And right now , honestly , we're just having so much fun enjoying each other . We don't know . Yeah , and so the thing is she's 35 . And I think he's like 40 something . And they're like okay , time's a ticking , y'all got to make up your mind . And they're like we don't know that we don't know .

Jess 16:10

And both sides of their families are just like pressuring them . They have just been praying and praying and I have her permission , by the way , to talk about this , but it's I mean , that's got to be like hurtful , but also that's got to be a lot of pressure . Yeah , because that's not an easy decision to make , and it tells me that one . If they just don't , that means they're tussling . You know what I mean , right ?

Steph 16:41

Yeah , they're going back and forth on it , they're thinking about it , they're talking about it . Yeah , and it's one of those things where , again , you don't know , and when you get married , you might have a plan to have sex , a couple of kids , eight , nine kids , whatever . It might be Like I've got some friends . They're celebrating 10 years marriage this year and they have not had kids . They want them , they've been trying , they just still don't have them . And that doesn't mean , like I don't know their story as far as if they're looking into foster care or adoption or whatever you know other situations , but it can be so hard and it's like can be so hard and it's like don't pressure now they're also 10-ish years younger than me yeah , you know so .

Steph 17:23

So they're still in that more prime range to be able to have kids if they still want to try and naturally have them . But don't pressure . I mean , thank goodness , after getting married and being 42-ish whatever I was was , when I got married my mom . She's so precious around babies and she loves kids and babies and all the things . But she finally realized that her grandbabies have four legs and fur and that's okay and she loves them . And we never grew up with dogs Never . Our house was not a dog house Married into having a dog . So now our dog goes with us whenever we travel to go see grandma , grammy and Grampy , and both of them love our dog .

Steph 18:03

And they're happy and content with that , but you've got to go through . There can be a lot of emotions , there can be grieving , but don't pressure , just don't pressure .

Jess 18:13

Yeah , the grieving process is real , because I have heard of and witnessed people who aren't able , or couples who aren't able , to have children . I have heard them lash out at couples who don't want children because they're like you know you can have children . You don't want children and we can't have them .

Jess 18:32

I don't think that's right either because , everybody's journey is different and while we feel , you know , our heart hurts for you and we pray with you for you know wanting to have children and we are , you know , pray that God blesses you in that way , I don't agree that you should , you know , chastise somebody else because they want something different , and I think maybe people like that speak out of hurt .

Steph 18:58

Yeah , yeah , I think you're right . That is coming out of a hurtful place and their journey . You know , not everybody understands everybody's journey . Again , I struggle with people who lash out like that because it's like you want kids , but how do you want them ? You want them naturally , if you really really want kids , want them naturally , if you really really want kids . There are multiple ways you can have kids .

Steph 19:22

Yeah , and they're not always

Supporting Pregnancy Decisions

Steph 19:24

going to be through you naturally giving birth , and so it's like , oh , and being someone who doesn't want kids , that is a very hard conversation and an opinion that I don't usually share , because it is . It's hard for me to say how dare you say you want kids and you're mad at somebody because they have kids . That I don't usually share , because it is . It's hard for me to say how dare you say you want kids and you're mad at somebody because they have kids and you don't , but you want them and you're not willing to look outside of other ways other than natural birth . Yeah , again , as an adopted kid , I have different feelings and thoughts on that . Um , but again , as an adopted kid , I want to help , support and I want to come alongside , like I have worked at pregnancy resource centers . I love what they do . It's just fantastic work to help support single moms , dads or married families that are just struggling in whatever way , and I'm like , yes , let me come alongside and support however I can . I just don't want the kids .

Jess 20:17

Yeah , come alongside and support however I can . I just don't want the kids . Yeah . I love what they do at pregnancy support centers because whatever decision you're wrestling with , they don't just come right out and tell you what to do . They walk you through . Because we work with several pregnancy centers and I love how well the pregnancy centers we work with . I love how they have a mission and they just walk you through Moms and dads . They walk you through what you're going through . They talk you through your options .

Steph 20:47

Come alongside and support and encourage .

Jess 20:49

Come alongside you encourage you and I just think it's a beautiful thing and a lot of the pregnancy centers we work with have Bible studies and it's a beautiful thing what a lot of the pregnancy centers are doing these days . Just want to throw that out there .

Steph 21:04

Love that so much , since we're talking about that sort of thing . I know that in a lot of churches there's a Bible study group called Embrace Grace . I love this ministry I think they're based out of Texas and they're all over and it's specifically for single women in the church who are pregnant . It is embracing the grace of a child that God is bringing into the world . Amazing , amazing Christian organization .

Jess 21:35

I have to look that up . Okay , I've never heard of that .

Steph 21:38

It's so great and it's a way that churches , specifically , who are embracing this ministry , are saying okay , everybody sins . These people happen to wear their sin in a way that people can see . But we still love you . We embrace you . Let's go through this journey .

Jess 21:54

I love it . Yeah , well , thank you for that . I've never heard of that .

Steph 21:58

Now I'm going to go look it up yeah , so another way that moms can be supported and we can just say yes to moms .

Jess 22:06

We haven't done this in a while . I'm putting you on the spot because I asked first . You didn't beat me to it . What do you want ?

Steph 22:12

Jesus to fix

Jesus Fix It Prayer and Closing

Steph 22:13

.

Jess 22:13

Oh goodness , I think I'm gonna be a little bit more light-hearted because we've been real heavy in here , okay , and I want you go ahead and then I'll wrap it up okay , I want jesus to fix my yard .

Steph 22:24

there's so many weeds and I've been breaking my back doing yard work and I just despise it , so I want him to fix my yard , jesus would you please fix Stephanie's yard ?

Jess 22:39

Amen . I don't have a , I'm not the best out loud prayer anyway , but I appreciate that though , because I know it was genuine . You can say a real just help Jesus . A few words , he hears it . That's great . I love it and that's just from your heart and my prayer was really from my heart . Thank you , I'm not the best prayer . So there you go , but back to what we're talking about today . Whether you're a mom , an auntie , a teacher or friend , or simply you and you don't want to be a mom , your identity is not limited to motherhood . Just remember that .

Steph 23:18

Laughter with your identity is not limited to motherhood . Just remember that .