Jesus Fix It with Jess & Steph!
Life is beautiful, crazy, messy and ever-changing. Thank the Lord, Jesus can handle it all! Jesus Fix It with Jess & Steph is about finding your way through the clutter; and perhaps having some laughs along the way. The Christian walk doesn’t always come wrapped in nice pretty packaging, so count on us to keep it real.
You can listen to Jesus Fix It on the Spirit FM website, the Spirit FM APP, and wherever you enjoy your podcasts.
The Jesus Fix It podcast with Jess & Steph, brought to you by Your Encouraging Spirit FM.
Jesus Fix It with Jess & Steph!
It's Okay Not to Want Kids
We tackle a topic that's often judged or ignored in women's circles: it's okay to not want to be a mom. Society places enormous pressure on women to have children, but nearly half of childless adults in America say they never want kids – and that number is growing.
• Jess's sister knew early on that motherhood wasn't for her, though she's a loving aunt and nurturing in other ways
• Steph shares her personal experience of never wanting children, even from a young age
• Recent Pew Research shows 47% of childless adults don't expect to have children, up 10% since 2018
• We explore how women often judge other women for choosing not to have children
• Many women nurture through other means - mentoring, creativity, supporting community
• Discussion of the tension between those struggling with infertility and those choosing to remain childless
• Support for women navigating pregnancy decisions through resource centers and church ministries
• Recognition that everyone's journey is different and deserves respect
Whether you're a mom, an auntie, a teacher, a friend, or simply you – your identity is not limited to motherhood.
Hey, welcome back, or welcome to the Jesus Fix it podcast, the show where we talk about life, the ups, the downs, a little pop culture and everything in between.
Steph:I'm Jess and I'm Steph, every other week we dive into the things we're asking Jesus to fix. And let's be real, there's a lot. You can always count on us to keep it real.
Jess:Share some laughs with us, and maybe a few tears, as we tackle the big and small stuff with faith and honesty. So grab your coffee and let's get into it. Let's talk about something that's often whispered about, judged or totally ignored it's okay to not want to be a mom. Thank you. First of all, though, Happy Mother's Day to all the moms who just celebrated Mother's Day. Is that weird to say that after I said what I just said. Okay, jess, maybe I should have started with Happy Mother's Day, happy.
Steph:Mother's Day. Okay, you know what Sometimes I'm backwards's Day, okay, you know what?
Jess:Sometimes I'm backwards, that's okay. You know what? Okay, anyway, y'all, I need some more coffee, okay. But seriously, though, people whisper, that's like the thing that's, I don't know, I don't want to even say that it's whispered about in the Christian circle, I think, just in general in the women's women's circle.
Jess:Women's world Women's world, not the magazine, not the magazine. But seriously, is that still a thing? I think it is. In some of the groups that I've been a part of, I think it's been like a taboo type of subject oh, you're not a mom or you don't want to be.
Steph:I feel like it is more in the Christian world. You think so I do, because society says have your career, make something of yourself first, and then, if you want to consider having kids, you could. But you got to make something of yourself first and the stay-at-home mom in society is looked down upon so much, you think.
Jess:I do my sister. She is 40 something 40. I think she just turned 42. I should know how old my sister is.
Jess:I think she just turned 40. She's either 41 or 42. She's 40 something. How about that? She knows she does not want to be a mom, does not have that desire. She loves being an auntie. She is the best auntie, loves being an auntie to my boys. And she said as soon as I had those boys she knew this is me, I am happy being an auntie. I will love those boys for life. Anything that I have in this world I'm leaving it to those boys.
Jess:But her friends who are married with children are like how could you not want to have your own? And it wasn't even a thing with her that I want to have my career. She's just like I don't have that maternal instinct or feeling, but I think she's very maternal because she may not be a mama but she is a mama bear. So I don't think it's that. She just knew that if it's up to her to have to birth a child or be responsible for humans herself, she don't want any part of that. Now, if she would have had to take over raising my kids, of course she would have been down for that Different story.
Jess:But she knew that she didn't want to actually be a mom herself and I think that's okay. But the judgment that she got from her own circle of friends what do you mean? You don't want to be a mom and not all of her friends are believers, so I can't honestly say that I think it's a Christian thing.
Steph:I got you.
Jess:I think it was just expected that, because she's a woman, she was expected to bear children, expecting.
Steph:Right yeah.
Jess:Well, I understand Tony.
Steph:Yeah, I totally get it, I 43.
Jess:No, I gotta think you know how old you are what is up with this?
Steph:I think I'm turning 44 this year now are you forgetting on purpose? No, hello. Menopause or perimenopause, that's a whole different topic for a whole different day. But I never wanted to be a mom. So you're just like my sister. Okay, I get it, I feel, but I never wanted to be a mom.
Jess:So you're just like my sister. Okay, I get it. I feel like there. I never had that desire. There are so many others like you and my sister, mm-hmm.
Steph:Okay, yeah, I mean, I've been doing some research on this and apparently there is a Pew Research study that just came out 47% of US adults who aren't parents say they don't expect to ever want children. They don't want to have them, they just don't want kids. It has increased 10% since 2018. Why?
Jess:do you think it's so hard for us women to accept that other women don't want to be moms?
Steph:I mean, it's not hard for me to accept that. I know what you're saying, yeah.
Jess:Like somebody like me, like I knew early on I wanted to be a mom, like I always knew there was a point that I doubted it, but I circled back Like I. Always I played with Barbie dolls up until I was like 14, 15. My aunts were worried because they were like she is never going to outgrow playing with Barbie dolls. They really did. And my mom was like leave her alone. I want her to stay young as long as she can.
Jess:And then, like my babies, my baby dolls were oh my goodness. I loved playing with my baby dolls. I feel like I was born to be a mom. I love being a mom. Then, after I had my first child, I went through a severe bout of postpartum depression and I immediately thought what have I done? Why did I do this? But that all went away and I think, oh my word, god made me to be a mom. I cannot imagine my life not being a mom. I already know this is one of the things God put me here to do, but I don't knock anybody else and I actually think it is. It says a lot that if you already know that being a mom is not something you want to do and you decide not to do it, thank God for you for not.
Steph:Do you know what I mean? Right, no, I told which more people more people need people.
Jess:If you know that if that is not, then you know what I'm saying.
Steph:Well, and if you find yourself in the position where you're pregnant and you know you don't want to be a mom. There are so many loving families as a child who is adopted I was adopted. There are so many loving families that are desperate to love a child. They're desperate for it Right, and for a variety of reasons, they either can't have it, they don't feel like their family's already fulfilled enough. They've had natural kids, but they still want. Whatever the situation is. Oh my gosh, like the phrase is, adoption is the loving option, and it's so true or they're just people like me who just want to be a mom, who just want to be a mom and want to love all the kids.
Steph:Right, right, yeah, I mean yeah for me not wanting to be a mom, it goes back to like my first job ever. When I was like 12 I did the Red Cross babysitting seminar in order to be a certified Red Cross babysitter and I hated it.
Jess:I mean, I knew when I was 12, I did not ever want to be a mom, you know, I'm gonna have to ask my sister because my sister, both of us were in Girl Scouts and we were both leaders and she hated it. She hated being the leader of the younger girl scouts. She was like I never want to be in charge of littles. And then we both had babysitting jobs and she could not stand it and this is the thing.
Jess:Little kids love her. She used to cannot stand little kids and little kids absolutely flock to her. It's the weirdest, weirdest thing.
Steph:It's like an animal when you don't like a specific. If Jess is around a dog or a cat, it's going to come to her and she's not going to want it.
Jess:The dogs love me. Why? I am not an animal lover, would never mistreat an animal, but they love me Right, Same for her. She loves my boys. She will be around children. Never would Loves my boys. She will be around children. Never would ever mistreat a child. But she does not want to be around children all the time, but all the kids flock to her. This is the weirdest thing ever. And then she was.
Jess:She had some type of counseling job too, Like a summer program thing, and I think she was maybe 13 or 14 and she knew then, not doing this, not happening.
Steph:Huh, yeah, I mean it was. It was from a very young age.
Jess:Y'all were traumatized, huh I guess.
Steph:So I mean I married into a family that has some kids, a lot of kids. I don't know what defines a lot of kids, but my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have four kids, yeah, and their age ranges are like I think the oldest is 16 and the youngest is like nine or ten, right in that time time, that age range. Okay, I've only been married less than two years, so forgive me for not knowing their ages. Now I can accept them a bit better. But when my husband, mike, and I first started dating the youngest he's the youngest of his family of five, the youngest of his nieces she, she and him are just two peas in a pod and I don't understand it like I love that. He loves her so much. It is precious. They facetime each other all the time. It is so precious.
Steph:Yeah, I couldn't stand her when I first started dating him because she was like six or seven and she was attention getting, attention seeking all the time and and I'm just like why? But that's because I didn't grow up with I had one sibling he was a little bit older. I didn't have, I was never even around like I was never around a bunch of cousins. I was never around any other siblings Like, I was never really engrossed in what big family dynamic looks like. And now I can look back and I can see that I can grow, I can understand.
Jess:Okay, Because I was going to ask maybe you see it as attention seeking when it was just her being a kid.
Steph:Right, and that's what it was. Okay, yeah, yeah, I totally can see that now. Okay, I absolutely see that now. Okay, you know, but at the time I'm just like what you actually need care.
Jess:Oh my gosh, what is this? You're six, yeah, yeah.
Steph:And now, whenever we do see them, I'm just like give me the biggest hug. I just will love on them. If we lived near them I would be so happy to go and help out and let the parents have a date night because good grief for kids, you know, and that sort of thing but I'm like give me the kids in a short amount of time, I'm good yeah.
Jess:I'm good, but you know, what else I'm finding is people like you and my sister and so many others who don't want kids. I'm finding that God gave you an ability to nurture in other ways through nurturing to other people's kids, nurturing through being a mentor or through leadership or creativity, because my sister may not be the mom type of nurturer, but I see her nurture in so many other ways. She's the best dog mama. But I also see her nurture through people at church. I see her taking care of older people.
Jess:She's so creative and she is so artistic artistic and because she doesn't have kids, she has time to do so many things and just perfect that creativity. Because she's not tied down and I feel like God gave her gifts that she's able to nurture because of her not wanting to have kids, she's able to grow those things. Does that make sense, right?
Steph:Yeah, I get that. I think it totally makes sense and I appreciate what you said, that just because somebody who doesn't want to have their own kids doesn't mean that they aren't a caring, loving person in another manner. I really appreciate that you said that because I feel that for myself. I was at church a couple weeks ago and saw they were doing baptisms and there was a teenage girl who was getting baptized but everybody around her were males Male that was, you know pastor that was doing the baptism and a couple other guys sitting around. So as soon as she came out of the water it was like who's there? Nobody was there to envelop her in that towel and just give her a hug. Congratulate.
Steph:And I understand that separation. I totally get that male-female separation. But it broke my heart and it took everything in me to sit in that seat and not run up to the front and grab that towel. And so then I said to my church let me be that person Whenever you have a female getting baptized. That's how I can help nurture and I can help out in that way. That's where I find myself being fulfilled helping others but still having my own time. Yeah.
Jess:I just feel like we all have a responsibility to embrace people in whatever season they're in, whatever decision they make. But especially as women who decide whether you want to be a mom or not, I feel like we have a responsibility to support each other, because I've heard so many times oh, you're not a mom, you won't understand. Right, you know, just because somebody isn't a mom doesn't mean they don't understand, whatever it may be. Now, sometimes you may not understand some of the things, but somebody had, you Do. You know what I mean? And I just feel like just counting somebody out or counting another woman out just because they don't have kids or they don't want to have kids, now, sometimes not having kids is not their choice.
Steph:Right, Absolutely. So you got to keep that in mind too.
Jess:I just still feel, like you know, sometimes we can be insensitive and hard on each other, which is really unfortunate.
Steph:Yeah, it is. It's so heartbreaking when, like you don't understand anybody's journey and like you can say, okay, I've been through an adoption process. But if somebody is trying to do like an adoption process a, it's expensive, it is very expensive, it is difficult, there are so many things that you have to do for that. And if you're choosing to adopt in the US, I mean, maybe I'm wrong on this, but I think it is more difficult than if you choose to go overseas and try to do adoption, and so if you know somebody that's walking through that situation, like you can come alongside them, help them out. That whole sympathizing and empathizing thing. I get the two confused, but I feel like often, as women, we tend to be a little too me-centric.
Jess:Yeah, yeah. I also feel like there are people who, right now, they just don't know. I know some. There's a lady I go to church with and she's like I just don't know right now. And she is well. Her and her husband are really going through it because they're getting it from both sides of the family. You've been married for two years and y'all don't know whether you're going to give us grandkids or not. What is the problem? And they're like we're just enjoying each other. And right now, honestly, we're just having so much fun enjoying each other. We don't know. Yeah, and so the thing is she's 35. And I think he's like 40 something. And they're like okay, time's a ticking, y'all got to make up your mind. And they're like we don't know that we don't know.
Jess:And both sides of their families are just like pressuring them. They have just been praying and praying and I have her permission, by the way, to talk about this, but it's I mean, that's got to be like hurtful, but also that's got to be a lot of pressure. Yeah, because that's not an easy decision to make, and it tells me that one. If they just don't, that means they're tussling. You know what I mean, right?
Steph:Yeah, they're going back and forth on it, they're thinking about it, they're talking about it. Yeah, and it's one of those things where, again, you don't know, and when you get married, you might have a plan to have sex, a couple of kids, eight, nine kids, whatever. It might be Like I've got some friends. They're celebrating 10 years marriage this year and they have not had kids. They want them, they've been trying, they just still don't have them. And that doesn't mean, like I don't know their story as far as if they're looking into foster care or adoption or whatever you know other situations, but it can be so hard and it's like can be so hard and it's like don't pressure now they're also 10-ish years younger than me yeah, you know so.
Steph:So they're still in that more prime range to be able to have kids if they still want to try and naturally have them. But don't pressure. I mean, thank goodness, after getting married and being 42-ish whatever I was was, when I got married my mom. She's so precious around babies and she loves kids and babies and all the things. But she finally realized that her grandbabies have four legs and fur and that's okay and she loves them. And we never grew up with dogs Never. Our house was not a dog house Married into having a dog. So now our dog goes with us whenever we travel to go see grandma, grammy and Grampy, and both of them love our dog.
Steph:And they're happy and content with that, but you've got to go through. There can be a lot of emotions, there can be grieving, but don't pressure, just don't pressure.
Jess:Yeah, the grieving process is real, because I have heard of and witnessed people who aren't able, or couples who aren't able, to have children. I have heard them lash out at couples who don't want children because they're like you know you can have children. You don't want children and we can't have them.
Jess:I don't think that's right either because, everybody's journey is different and while we feel, you know, our heart hurts for you and we pray with you for you know wanting to have children and we are, you know, pray that God blesses you in that way, I don't agree that you should, you know, chastise somebody else because they want something different, and I think maybe people like that speak out of hurt.
Steph:Yeah, yeah, I think you're right. That is coming out of a hurtful place and their journey. You know, not everybody understands everybody's journey. Again, I struggle with people who lash out like that because it's like you want kids, but how do you want them? You want them naturally, if you really really want kids, want them naturally, if you really really want kids. There are multiple ways you can have kids.
Steph:Yeah, and they're not always going to be through you naturally giving birth, and so it's like, oh, and being someone who doesn't want kids, that is a very hard conversation and an opinion that I don't usually share, because it is. It's hard for me to say how dare you say you want kids and you're mad at somebody because they have kids. That I don't usually share, because it is. It's hard for me to say how dare you say you want kids and you're mad at somebody because they have kids and you don't, but you want them and you're not willing to look outside of other ways other than natural birth. Yeah, again, as an adopted kid, I have different feelings and thoughts on that. Um, but again, as an adopted kid, I want to help, support and I want to come alongside, like I have worked at pregnancy resource centers. I love what they do. It's just fantastic work to help support single moms, dads or married families that are just struggling in whatever way, and I'm like, yes, let me come alongside and support however I can. I just don't want the kids.
Jess:Yeah, come alongside and support however I can. I just don't want the kids. Yeah. I love what they do at pregnancy support centers because whatever decision you're wrestling with, they don't just come right out and tell you what to do. They walk you through. Because we work with several pregnancy centers and I love how well the pregnancy centers we work with. I love how they have a mission and they just walk you through Moms and dads. They walk you through what you're going through. They talk you through your options.
Steph:Come alongside and support and encourage.
Jess:Come alongside you encourage you and I just think it's a beautiful thing and a lot of the pregnancy centers we work with have Bible studies and it's a beautiful thing what a lot of the pregnancy centers are doing these days. Just want to throw that out there.
Steph:Love that so much, since we're talking about that sort of thing. I know that in a lot of churches there's a Bible study group called Embrace Grace. I love this ministry I think they're based out of Texas and they're all over and it's specifically for single women in the church who are pregnant. It is embracing the grace of a child that God is bringing into the world. Amazing, amazing Christian organization.
Jess:I have to look that up. Okay, I've never heard of that.
Steph:It's so great and it's a way that churches, specifically, who are embracing this ministry, are saying okay, everybody sins. These people happen to wear their sin in a way that people can see. But we still love you. We embrace you. Let's go through this journey.
Jess:I love it. Yeah, well, thank you for that. I've never heard of that.
Steph:Now I'm going to go look it up yeah, so another way that moms can be supported and we can just say yes to moms.
Jess:We haven't done this in a while. I'm putting you on the spot because I asked first. You didn't beat me to it. What do you want?
Steph:Jesus to fix.
Jess:Oh goodness, I think I'm gonna be a little bit more light-hearted because we've been real heavy in here, okay, and I want you go ahead and then I'll wrap it up okay, I want jesus to fix my yard.
Steph:there's so many weeds and I've been breaking my back doing yard work and I just despise it, so I want him to fix my yard, jesus would you please fix Stephanie's yard?
Jess:Amen. I don't have a, I'm not the best out loud prayer anyway, but I appreciate that though, because I know it was genuine. You can say a real just help Jesus. A few words, he hears it. That's great. I love it and that's just from your heart and my prayer was really from my heart. Thank you, I'm not the best prayer. So there you go, but back to what we're talking about today. Whether you're a mom, an auntie, a teacher or friend, or simply you and you don't want to be a mom, your identity is not limited to motherhood. Just remember that.
Steph:Laughter with your identity is not limited to motherhood. Just remember that.
