Not Supposed to Hurt Here

Church hurt transcends mere offense or discomfort. It encompasses betrayal, judgment, manipulation, exclusion, and sometimes even abuse at the hands of fellow believers or church leadership. In this raw and honest conversation, Jess and Steph share their personal journeys through church hurt, from the subtle exclusion after divorce to the blatant marginalization as single adults in family-focused congregations.

Jess reveals how after her divorce, she continued attending her ex-husband's church only to find herself systematically excluded from service opportunities and community events. "As soon as the ink dried on the divorce papers, everybody started treating me differently," she explains, describing the isolation she felt sitting alone Sunday after Sunday in a crowded sanctuary. Meanwhile, Steph recounts her heartbreaking experience with a church that explicitly prioritized married couples with children, leaving her feeling unwelcome and eventually driving her away from church altogether for several years.

These experiences reflect a troubling reality within many faith communities: people are walking away from church—not because they've lost faith in Jesus, but because they've been wounded by His followers. The consequences are devastating, as believers attempt to maintain their relationship with Christ while disconnected from community, often leading to a "slow fade" from faith.

Yet hope remains. Both hosts emphasize that Jesus was never the problem—He's the healer, not the source of hurt. They encourage listeners to acknowledge their pain without allowing it to destroy their relationship with the One who never fails.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Jesus Fix It Podcast
• 0:44 Defining Church Hurt
• 3:35 Steph's Story of Exclusion
• 7:03 Jess's Experience with Church Rejection
• 11:01 Walking Away vs Finding Community
• 15:28 Jesus Is Not the Problem, People Are

Transcript

Jess: 0:02

Hey, welcome back, or welcome to the Jesus Fix it podcast, the show where we talk about life, the ups, the downs, a little pop culture and everything in between.

Steph: 0:12

I'm Jess and I'm Steph, every other week we dive into the things we're asking Jesus to fix. And let's be real, there's a lot. You can always count on us to keep it real.

Jess: 0:24

Share some laughs with us and maybe a few tears, as we tackle the big and small stuff with faith and honesty. So grab your coffee and let's get into it. I love Jesus, but his children get on my nerves, oh yep. Okay, I know that sounded harsh, I know that sounded ugly, but that's the truth. Okay, all right. Today we're talking about church hurt.

Steph: 0:48

Loving Jesus, but his people. We love his people.

Jess: 0:53

We love them, but they get on some of his people, they hurt us and they get on our nerves. Legit, yeah, it happens. Look, we can be real honest. But that is really. That's how it is Okay now. Have you ever experienced?

Steph: 1:11

church hurt. I have. Yeah, you know, as we were thinking about some different topics, and this is one that's relevant because I think everybody at some point has had some kind of church hurt, and it just depends on how they're defining it.

Jess: 1:26

Yeah, now I've. Okay, should we define church hurt? I think that's a good way to start. Okay, what's the cartoon character who has the bob and the glasses from the Incredibles? Do you know who I'm talking about, edna?

Steph: 1:41

Oh, okay, real short little lady. Yes, okay, so we both fit that character Right. That's us right now.

Jess: 1:47

Imagine me as her right now. Okay, church hurt is I feel so silly. Okay, church hurt. It's not just someone sitting in your seat or giving you the side eye in church. It can be betrayal, judgment, manipulation, exclusion, because you know churches have those little cliques. It can be that abuse by someone in leadership in church or even abuse by fellow believers.

Steph: 2:16

It can be from neglect, miscommunication, disappointment. There's conflict all over the place, and it just leaves believers overwhelmed.

Jess: 2:29

Yeah, yeah, I think the first time I experienced church hurt, I tried to dismiss it and just say, hey, nobody's perfect, and I didn't really validate it, if that's how I want to say it. I guess I didn't really validate that it was actually happening. I tried to make excuses like, okay, this is church, nobody's perfect, or you know, I have to give them grace because it's church. You know what I mean. So I just shrugged it off. But just because it's church doesn't mean people are allowed to hurt you, doesn't mean that people are allowed to abuse you just because it's happening in a church.

Steph: 3:12

Yeah, so you are talking as though you've got an experience.

Jess: 3:18

Yeah. So I guess, just thinking about this I didn't realize that it was actually church hurt. I guess I just didn't even realize church hurt was a whole thing. My ex-husband and I went to church together. Of course it was actually his home church and when we got married I joined his church because I moved to Lynchburg here with him. I was living in a whole nother city, nother town, so I moved here to be with him and so quite naturally, I joined his church.

Jess: 3:56

When we got divorced, I love that church so much I decided to stay stay a member of that church because at this time he stopped going to church. He stopped going to church with me long before we divorced, so I was going to church by myself every Sunday pretty much, and so, quite naturally, once we got a divorce I just kept going. I was going by myself anyway, and it just seemed like once the ink dried on the divorce papers, everybody started treating me differently and, mind you, most of his family went to that church, even his immediate family. Most of his immediate family stopped going to church on a regular basis but some of his extended family and friends were going there. But as soon as they knew we were divorced, they started treating me differently. They started excluding me from events and when I would volunteer to serve, all of a sudden the seats got full or oh, there's no room. But somebody would come behind me and sign up to serve and automatically there was a spot for them. And I was like, wait a minute. I literally just tried to sign up for that spot and there was no more room. You had all the help you needed, but somebody else just came behind me and there was an open spot for that behind me and there was an open spot for that.

Jess: 5:27

And then I realized, oh, because he's not here anymore, because we're divorced, now I'm no longer welcome here. That was just. That was I don't know. I just felt so exiled. I guess that was just the first time I experienced that. And so the pastor I can honestly say I don't think he was like that because that's not how he preached at all, but he was One of those pastors where he was really, really focused on the word. And you know the elders and the deacons, they pretty much just ran the church and he just got up there and preached the word. That was just. His focus was the sermons, if that makes any sense.

Steph: 6:10

You know what I mean. This could be a whole different topic, but like a preacher versus teacher, exactly.

Jess: 6:17

And so, yeah, I don't really think he knew what was happening. I don't think he really knew what was going on, and I guess that's partly my fault, because I never said anything. Once I realized I was being treated differently and I was being shunned, so to speak, I just quietly left and joined another church. Yeah, I felt like that's what they wanted me to do and I felt like I wouldn't be missed and that's just what I did.

Steph: 6:45

Yeah, yeah, that is a great a sorry story. I'm sorry that happened but it is a great example of what happens often in the church. I have a friend in the church. I have a friend she had a daughter out of wedlock and the church that she had been, she grew up in, she had served with the children's ministry. An amazing person who loves kids so much and as someone who appreciates that kind of a person that much more, I really can say she loves kids. But when the church learned about this pregnancy it almost drove her to end the pregnancy and now her daughter is. She had her daughter, she's healthy, she's 13. So this was a while ago. Had her daughter, she's healthy, she's 13. So this was a while ago. But they told her you're no longer allowed to serve. You can come to church, you can be in the service and that is it. She left that church and I knew her at the cusp of her leaving and we actually both ended up in a church that was very welcoming to come alongside her and just recognize that she had repented from what happened and chose life for her daughter.

Steph: 8:07

Beautiful moment Church hurt happens. I remember gosh, I don't even know how many years ago it was for me, but single in my mid to late 20s, really looking to what I wanted to be married I wanted to be that typical two, you know, white picket fence, two and a half kids, dog and cat. You know, married household. Quote-unquote typical, happy.

Steph: 8:36

American family, whatever you want to call it, and I got involved in a church that was young, it was a startup, met in high school so it was in a big gym auditorium, but it was thriving, like so many people that were there and I was new to the area, which was hard because I didn't have any friends Tried to get involved, sat down and had lunch with the pastor and his wife Said how can I get involved? What's your young adult ministry look like? And they were only a few years older than me but they'd been married for a while, they had kids and the big emphasis in that church was on bringing up families. And if you didn't have kids and you weren't married, you just kind of got pushed to the wayside. And I addressed that with the pastor and he said to me the important thing and the biblical thing is that you have a family and we raise up Christian families.

Steph: 9:31

And I'm like so everybody else just gets overlooked. You've got, yeah, like what about the people who are widowed? What about people who are not of a quote, unquote typical married age? Like what do you do with people?

Jess: 9:44

who aren't married yet. Exactly.

Steph: 9:46

Single people, single people, which is where I was. They still need.

Jess: 9:48

Jesus and need to be ministered to until God brings them someone Right.

Steph: 9:53

Find that community? No, that church emphasized being married and having a family, and I walked away from church for a couple of years because of my experience there. It was that traumatic and that harmful to me. Yeah, see this is.

Jess: 10:14

I guess, once I knew better and realized that church hurt is really a thing, because when I finally did talk to somebody about this, they told me that church hurt wasn't a thing, that it was just church offended, that it wasn't hurt. I was just offended and I'm like, ok, maybe I was just offended. Then I started thinking about everything and I was like, no, all, I was just offended. Then I started thinking about everything and I was like, no, all those things weren't in my mind. This was a big church I don't want to call this church out, but it was one of the biggest and oldest churches in the city. So many members and I'm talking hundreds of members a week, and I was sitting on a back pew by myself. So you have this many members and I am sitting by myself and I'm like, no, all of these things are not in my head. I have thick skin. I'm okay with, you know, being by myself, but just being ignored in church is not okay. So I know all of these things aren't in my head.

Jess: 11:21

So when I, you know, got smart about it and realize okay, this church hurt is really a thing. This is not just a made up, that something people made up. Then it infuriated me, because people are actually walking away from community. People are walking away from church, actually walking away from community. People are walking away from church because they are getting hurt inside of what is supposed to be a hospital for the broken. So then where do they go when they're seeking, when they're needing Jesus, if they can't go to the one place they're supposed to be able to go for community, for relationship? If you can't be safe and okay in there, where are you supposed?

Steph: 12:04

to go. Yeah, and that's where I walked away for a while and I had a really good friend that I was visiting, probably two years after this situation happened, and there was a song by Casting Crowns Out called Slow Fade, and this friend, her name's Mary. We were driving around and that song came on the radio and she was driving. She just kind of slowly turned the radio up because she could see how far I had strayed and she just started. You know, that was a way she was ministering to me and I remember that moment so clear, because that's the moment Jesus said you're mine, I have not forgotten about you. It might look like this slow fade that you've walked away, but you can also come back. You can always come back. He wants us to come back.

Jess: 12:55

Hmm, yeah, wants us to come back. Yeah, I even got to the point before I found my church now and, like you, I didn't want to go and I sat down and I was like you know, I can still follow Jesus if I don't go to church. Sure, you can, but is it healthy? Because you need community. You need community and I need to hold myself accountable because for a while, especially after that happened, I didn't go to church for a while. And then we all know that year we don't want to mention when we couldn't go inside the building and you get used to not going.

Jess: 13:42

I got used to having Bedside Baptist with pastor sheets on the iPad. I was eating my muffins and drinking my coffee, having church on the iPad. I would roll over, have church on the iPad and watch the service and go back to sleep until eventually I was like, oh, I don't even need to like watch church today. I mean, I work at Spirit FM, I listen to Christian music all day long, I can get ministered to that way. I have my quiet time. And then I was like, wait a minute, what am I doing? Like it does make a difference. You need that community, you need that relationship in my opinion.

Steph: 14:20

I wholeheartedly agree with you on that. Yeah, and when I finally moved to a place like physically moved to a different state, got involved into a previous church before I moved down here, that's where I found community. Having that community encouraged and challenged my relationship with Jesus and allowed growth to really happen. And it was a healthy church. And the church I was involved in was one that had a variety of groups for people that have gone through church without calling it that they had grief share.

Steph: 15:01

They had divorce care. You know specific groups of people who are leading this. That's been through divorce. Embrace Grace an amazing organization getting on my little soapbox here but an amazing organization that is Christian, church-led, to come alongside women who are in an unplanned pregnancy and they're single.

Steph: 15:23

Oh that's cool and it is in the church. Women who are in an unplanned pregnancy and they're single oh that's cool, yeah, and that is, it is in the church, you know. So there are ways that, as we have gone through church hurt and you seek out that church that says I recognize stuff has happened, but I want to come alongside you. And there are churches that offer that and I know around here there's tons of them.

Jess: 15:48

Yeah, Well, you just can't. You can't, in the middle of ministering and being the church, you can't forget that people are still human, people are going to people. Yep, and I think it was Kirk Franklin. He was doing some interview and people were like, well, kirk, you go here and I saw you do this and about 10 years ago you said this but you always get on stage and you proclaim Jesus. And he was like hold up, hold up, I love Jesus, but I'm not him. And I'm like, oh, hold up, I love Jesus, but I'm not him. And I'm like, oh, my goodness, that is the best way to say it we love Jesus, but we're not him.

Jess: 16:35

We want to point people to Jesus all day, every day. But the lady who comes to church, who just had a baby out of wedlock, we want to minister to her and tell her that Jesus still loves her. The addict who has fell on and off the addiction wagon, who showed up in church and is seeking and asking for help Don't they deserve to be ministered to and asking for help? Don't they deserve to be ministered to? The divorced lady who just wants to come to church and just wants a better life and just wants to be loved and loves Jesus, doesn't she deserve to be ministered to? Just like everybody else, this is the place for relationship, for fellowship, and I guess I feel like, as believers, we are more than just the building.

Steph: 17:39

We are the church. Yes, yeah, exactly, and nobody in church is perfect. Nobody needs to look perfect because we aren't perfect, and so we really need to come alongside anyone who walks through the doors no matter what they look like, If they're that, you know. Adorable little lady who has on her pearls and her little purse and she has on her gloves and her hat and she just looks so dressed to the nines because it's sunday morning.

Jess: 18:08

You just described her. You just described how my grandma used to look in church.

Steph: 18:13

Right, you see it right, but you don't know what her story is. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes. Yeah, or that person, who, who you're not even sure what gender they're deciding to say they are. You don't know, you don't know. And they're walking through that door seeking Jesus. They don't need to be hurt by other Christians and by people who are in church. We do not need to judge. It is not our job. Yeah, yeah, judge it is not our job.

Jess: 18:42

Yeah, yeah, and I will say this If you are experiencing, have experienced church hurt, and if you are in between churches right now, jesus was never the problem.

Jess: 19:10

He's the healer, he's not the hurt, and I think that is the one thing I wish that I would have just held on to when I stopped going to church and I know I was in between churches, but I wish I just would have just found churches to visit, even if I just would have visited a different church every Sunday until I was trying to figure it out, instead of taking just a long break in between, because I think that's what we do sometimes when we experience church, we just quit going or we get mad at Jesus or whatever it is, because he's not the one who hurt us, it's people. People are going to people, they be people every single time. And it's not him, it's people, and it's okay to acknowledge your pain, but don't let it steal your relationship with the one who never, ever fails you, ever, fails you ever. So I know we didn't do this last episode, but if there's one thing that I could have Jesus fix this time, it would be that you remember that.