Intro:
You're listening to Unmuted with Papamutes.
Rodney:
I mean I had it rough. When I told my old man, "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles," he got mad. He nailed down my other foot. I mean that's the story of my life. No respect. I don't get no respect at all.
Papamutes:
Welcome to Papamutes, everybody. I appreciate everyone who listens in.
Papamutes:
Back in the late '70s, a group of friends of mine went to see Rodney Dangerfield in Pittsburgh, and I kid you not: for a solid hour, no exaggeration, he rattled-off one-liner's nonstop. By the end of the show, my stomach was killing me. I bring this up because Rodney, in my opinion, which holds no weight, but just my personal opinion is the top five funny people of all time. I believe his material can work now or even in the future. If you're too young to know, just go to YouTube, the current time machine of life, and Google him. A fascinating bio. Suffering through bouts of depression his whole career. Didn't find fame, if you will, success, until he was in his 50s. Fascinating story. But his mantra was, as you heard at the beginning, "I don't get any respect. I don't get any respect at all."
Rodney:
I mean that's the story of my life. No respect. I don't get no respect at all.
Papamutes:
Which radiated and related to a lot of people, but his style was just great. So I'm going to read some of his jokes, basically, just for the fun of it. Everybody needs to smile. Every day you should laugh. Too many serious people. Too much crap going on. It's ridiculous. Anyway. So Rodney Dangerfield.
Papamutes:
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. I'll tell you my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.
Papamutes:
My doctor told me to watch my drinking, now I drink in front of a mirror.
Papamutes:
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Papamutes:
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West.
Papamutes:
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
Papamutes:
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Papamutes:
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Papamutes:
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. One year, they wanted to make me a poster child for birth control.
Papamutes:
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt-up my wife.
Papamutes:
This morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
Papamutes:
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips and won't drink from my glass.
Papamutes:
Last night, my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was she was coming home.
Papamutes:
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Papamutes:
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Papamutes:
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
Papamutes:
If it weren't for pick pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
Papamutes:
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to them, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" he said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide." I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark."
Papamutes:
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
Papamutes:
I had a lot of pimples, too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
Papamutes:
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Papamutes:
Last week my tie caught fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax.
Papamutes:
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
Papamutes:
I was making love to girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No. I hate myself now."
Papamutes:
I knew a girl so ugly. Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint, Saint Bernard.
Papamutes:
I was tired one night and went to a bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What do you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Papamutes:
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Papamutes:
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah. My wife just broke up with her boyfriend. One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey, buddy. Why are you doing that?" he said, "Because you came home early."
Papamutes:
I went to see my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. Yeah. I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up, I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
Papamutes:
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Okay. You're ugly, too." I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.
Papamutes:
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over, and said, "Look, twins."
Papamutes:
And we were poor, too. If I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
Papamutes:
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker, I dropped my pants, she dropped her price. I tell you I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl Magazine. The staples covered everything.
Papamutes:
What a childhood I had. Why? When I took my first step my old man tripped me.
Papamutes:
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Papamutes:
I'll tell you when I was a kid all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo never came back.
Papamutes:
When I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Papamutes:
I'll tell you my wife was never nice. On her first date, I asked her if I could give her a good night kiss on the cheek; she bent over.
Papamutes:
I'll tell you my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Papamutes:
Some dog I got, too. We called him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. What a dog I got. His favorite bone is my arm.
Papamutes:
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
Papamutes:
Ah, Rodney Dangerfield. Anyway, that's Rodney Dangerfield jokes. Just felt like filling-in some time. We'll keep pushing forward. Again, YouTube Rodney. If you're not familiar with him because you're young, check him out. That's just a fraction. I read quite a bit, but that's just a fraction of his jokes, and you can watch the video, biography, or whatever. YouTube's great for going back in time.
Papamutes:
Rodney Dangerfield, top five comedian on my list, personal list. I'll put him at number two. And again, this is just my personal list of funny people not just on stage. I'm talking if you met this person in person, or in an interview, or wherever, they're just funny naturally; not just the act. I put Robin Williams at the top of that list. Just funny. Just a funny guy. That's kind of obvious. I put Rodney number two. Richard Pryor without a doubt number three. Definitely makes the list. Richard Pryor, just a funny guy. And I've never met any of these people. I'm just going by interviews and just watching them, whether it's movies, or what have you. Dave Chappelle number four, especially his early stuff. Number five, I'm going to round it out with Chris Rock. Robin Williams, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Chris rock, my top five.
Papamutes:
If you have a top five, you can email me. PapamutesPodcast@gmail.com. Those are mine. And there's so many choices. Not an easy list to make. But anyway, my cast, my show. Don't tell me what to do with my body.
Papamutes:
So that's it. I hope you enjoyed it. Until next time, take care.
Rodney:
No respect at all. When I was a baby I was breastfed by my father.
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, Rodney.
Rodney:
What's going on? You know me. I love [inaudible 00:09:17].
Rodney:
What a dumb family I got. Are you kidding? Last week I looked up my family tree; I found out I'm the sap.
Rodney:
I don't know people say to me, "What do you like about a girl? Those legs? Are you a leg man? Are you a breast man. Are you an ass man?" I don't know what I am. I think I must be an ass man. You know? Yeah. People always say to me, "You're an ass, man."
Rodney:
You do a lot of things. You're [inaudible 00:09:37] a kidney. I'm getting older now. I know I'm getting older. I'm at the age now to me shooting-up means the enema bag. Getting old.
Rodney:
Was poor. Really poor. I was so poor my rich aunt died, and in the will I owed her $20. I was poor. I wore my father's hand-me-downs. It was rough. Had to unzip my fly to blow my nose. We were poor. In our Christmas tree we had no tinsel. We used to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
Rodney:
When I started in show biz I worked only tough places, places like Nunzio's Knuckle Room. Ooh, that was a tough one. Nunzio's tough. I sat down to eat. On the menu they had broken leg of lamb. And Nunzio, he was tough. You know he said to me, "Kid, you want to go hunting?" I said, "Okay, I'm game," and he shot me. Not a life. Are you kidding? Don't know who to believe anymore.
Rodney:
They say, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." What am I supposed to do, jerk him off too?
Rodney:
Maybe you want to ask me some questions. [inaudible 00:10:45] group here. People always ask me questions about life, showbiz, whatever. Hey, Bobby, put up all the lights. Okay?
Speaker 4:
What do you do for a living?
Rodney:
What do I do for a living? That's nice, too. I get guys for your sister, okay? There's always some wise guy. He'll be a wise guy. After the show, you and I go to the men's room and have it out together. Show you how small you are.
Rodney:
That's a story of my life. No respect. I don't get no respect at all. Are you kidding? No respect. [inaudible 00:11:13]. It's not easy. It's not easy.
Rodney:
No respect at all. Yesterday for two hours a guy followed me with a pooper scooper. Are you kidding?
Rodney:
Well, I held a seashell to my ear. It told me to get off the beach. I don't get no respect from anyone.
Rodney:
I bought some rat poison. The girl asked me, "Shall I wrap it up or you're going to eat it here?"
Rodney:
One time I asked my old man, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. What a childhood I had. My uncle's dying wish, he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney:
I hope you had a few laughs. Okay. [inaudible 00:11:59].
Outro:
You have been listening to unmuted with Papamutes.