Relationships and Money: How to Value Yourself

Two of the most common causes for relationships to end are finances and intimacy, the qualities found in the Sacral Chakra which is integral to the manifestation process. Often there is too much or too little of either money or intimacy or both. In some cases one partner has the majority of them and uses them for control, in others a partner feels they don't have any and can never have enough. For some the partners entered into the relationship thinking they were meaning the same thing by what they said about money and/or intimacy only to discover this isn't the case or needing things which contradict or are in conflict with each other. Such simple things as money or being truly seen create tremendous complexity in our lives which can either lead to breakthroughs or catastrophe and everything in between. There is no end of drama where relationships are concerned.

What I have always found interesting is such seemingly different things as physical/emotional/spiritual intimacy and money should be spoken of in similar terms, but they are. People's trust in their partner can be violated just as deeply by misspending, mishandling, or misrepresenting money matters as through the discovery of an affair. Money in the context of an intimate partnership is not a matter of numbers in a spreadsheet or accounts at a bank, but the sum of their two parts. People don't seek out a forensic accountant or a CPA when matters of money become a problem in a relationship, they seek out wisdom from therapists and spiritual leaders, elders and wise people in the community.

But why? Yes, financial issues can seriously impede our ability to thrive or even survive in the world so having the one we love make our situation perilous should cause a strong reaction. Money can help us achieve our goals and dreams so having it diverted or used for something else is no joking matter and calls the status of the relationship into question. Yet now more than ever money is just numbers. We don't trade gold coins for goods and even those who do work in cash aren't trading actual money. They are trading authorized bank notes which represent money which changes in worth every minute of the day as compared to other bank notes, silver, gold and so on. How can something so ephemeral cause as much agony as finding out your partner doesn't find you attractive or has been lying to you about an affair or the nature of a friendship?

The key is in personal self-worth or value. The essential nature of money is not as a thing, but a language and words have both energy and power. Money creates a common language among people, so individuals do not have to create a vocabulary of intrinsic worth for every little thing they need, want, or have. People who are selling something list the price at which they are willing to part with it which indicates not only it's intrinsic worth but also the worth they place on the change this will create in their life. A buyer then chooses not only whether the price listed reflects accurately the worth of the item, but equals their desire or need for the item over other things as well as the possible improvement it will make in their lives. Hence, we appreciate deals, sales, coupons, special offers, and other means of getting what we desire for less. The value to us of the item remains the same or might even feel improved due to an increase in our happiness quotient while allowing us to retain resources we might value in reserve or for other items.

This is a simple and elegant solution to a fundamental factor in life. 

What we value and how we value not only indicate who we are in the world, they are a direct reflection of how we value ourselves or do not. 

They show us how we are manifesting ourselves into the world. There are people who save every penny so they have enough when times get tough or because they have a goal to achieve which requires long term strategy. Others save because they fear they will never have enough even though they accumulate millions. Some people spend and overspend in order to deal with stress, with fear of being judged, with the need to be seen a certain way by others. Others spend in order to manifest dreams, enjoy experiences, and move themselves further along their path turning money into a language of fluidity and movement.

Thus money and its many uses, the lack, misuse, or abuse of it, it's ephemeral nature or ability to strangle us can be both a practical device for keeping us in the now while at the same time holding up a mirror to show us how we value ourselves...or don't.

This becomes exponentially more complicated and fraught when we connect ourselves to an intimate partner. Changing from an I to a We means not only are we valuing ourselves through the language of money, but also our partner and the interrelation between us. Hence money conversations which start out as practical matters carry a great deal of encoded relationship subtext which can turn things into a twisted pretzel in moments. How money is spent within a relationship not only shows how the item or service is valued but how the partners value each other and their relationship.

For example: If both partners work it can seem innocuous that one partner is considered the primary bread winner while the other works at a lesser or hobby job, but the results of this comparison over time can be soul crushing. Or when one partner is designated to manage the finances for both, this can either indicate or lead to inequality between the partners which kills the relationship. Having funds dedicated to one goal used for another without communication of some kind or agreement indicates a disagreement not only in the value of the goals and usage of funds, but of the partners and the relationship.

Intimate partners by their nature are equals valuing each other equally and clearly. In inherently unequal relationships such as teacher/student, doctor/patient, parent/child, clergy/congregant there are standards of behavior, ethics, and codes of conduct which acknowledge this inequality, the authority of one and the vulnerability of the other, and seek to remedy it through various means. In intimate partnerships there are customs but few rules and each joining of individuals is unique requiring effort to put a foundation in place. One of the most necessary components, trust, can be assumed or, better yet, developed over time through the small daily interactions which indicate how we value both ourselves and the other. We indicate what type of person we are or are becoming through what we do.

Money issues can be a violation of this trust, indicating through very clear language how the values of one partner do not match the values of the other. They can also indicate where one partner is not valuing the other partner in a healthy way. So too can issues of intimacy. 

If money is the language of value, the means by which we speak Akasha into reality, then intimacy in all its forms is the action which speaks louder than words.

The most common intimacy issue is an affair whether it is physical, emotional, spiritual or any mixture of these three. An affair is one partner valuing someone else more than the partner they are with. Affairs can be a means of avoiding a conversation or situation we don't want to confront. They can be an escape from a situation we don't know how or are afraid to do anything about. They can be a wakeup call that a relationship we are valuing is missing significant components we can no longer ignore or excuse away. They can also be a first step towards personal revelation and revolution.

While most of our conversations about intimacy circle around whether or not someone can give it or whether we are getting enough/too much, the underlying issues concern value. As much as intimacy is a conversation between two people about how they value each other, how we are intimate, with whom, and how much are direct reflections of how we are valuing ourselves. Codependency is converting self-worth into the need for others to value us and value themselves. All of the codependent person's identity comes eventually to revolve around someone else as they lose sight of themselves. Abused people can become abusive not just because they have learned the behavior, but because of their lack of self-worth which they hide or medicate by being more powerful than the others in their lives. Those who are being abused can see themselves as unworthy of anything better. They often see their partner's valuing of them as appropriate and a means for them to improve by attempting to heal the relationship. Their goal is to become a good enough person to achieve equality with their partner, which is a never ending and unachievable goal since they already are, and their partner will never value them as such.

In the romantic phase of a relationship both parties over value the other, sometimes extravagantly. This is one reason why some people cannot abide a relationship which starts maturing beyond this phase. They feel a need to be overvalued and over valuing in order to avoid their true feelings or experiencing how they value themselves, which they fear will be reflected in their partner's actions and reactions. Once past the romantic phase relationships move towards accurate valuing. Healthy relationships clearly communicate value. This doesn't mean the valuation is necessarily accurate in any given moment, doesn't need ongoing negotiation or active participation. Value is not a static thing. Just as each of us is changing in every moment so too is the relationship we create between us, our self-worth, and the value we place on our partner. Unhealthy relationships either stop seeing this valuing as an active process, settle into passive/aggressive non-valuing, or active devaluing. In many cases this negative valuing devolves until the relationship is negative enough it spurs an ending. In others the relationship lingers on long past the point where there is any value in it at all indicating the level of each individual's self-worth or lack thereof.

Whether we are spending money or spending ourselves, our actions and choices reflect our self-worth and how we are manifesting ourselves into the world for better or worse. 

What are your spending/relationship habits reflecting about you?