Looking deeply into how manifesting a healthy and loving partner is like baking a cake rather than aiming at the right target or having good luck. You probably have all the right ingredients, but how you add them, when, and how much matters on whether this cake this time will be edible or a tragic mess.
Looking deeply into how manifesting a healthy and loving partner is like baking a cake rather than aiming at the right target or having good luck. You probably have all the right ingredients, but how you add them, when, and how much matters on whether this cake this time will be edible or a tragic mess.
Manifest Healthy Partnership Like Baking A Cake
We've all been through the process of finding out a relationship isn't what we thought it was. We may see them headed towards "not going to work out". Or we live through what it looks like when we or both of us try to work it out only to make things worse. Then there are the train wrecks. Sometimes we see them happening to us in slow motion. Other times we find ourselves with the post-apocalyptic wreckage all around us and wonder what the heck happened.
What's worse is when this happens not once, not twice, but over and over and over again. Like a bouquet made out of every variation of "Nope" flower all of which smell like garbage, have thorns which make us bleed, but look oh so beautiful.
So, what's to be done? Well there are entire industries built to help us figure this out. From dressing the right way, setting up the right dating profile, learning what to say and do in just the right pattern, and above all setting your intentions on full blast so you're calling in the one perfect person, there is advice of every type and flavor to fit your needs.
When it comes to manifesting, often the advice is absolutely correct as far as it goes. If you focus all of your intention on manifesting the absolute best and most perfect partner for you, define the parameters of what you want, add in your heart felt desires, your loneliness and the truth that you deserve to be loved, then a partner is absolutely going to show up. They are going to meet all of your criteria. Like in the movie Practical Magic they are even going to meet all of the crazy, couldn't possibly exist, stuff you put in there. They will be the absolute best and most perfect partner for you.
They will more than likely be the most perfectly crafted train wreck you have ever experienced, even more exquisite than any you've had in the past. Hopefully at this point you will recognize what is happening sooner than ever before, because all this clarity of intention and previous experience have taught you to feel the squealing as the wheels come off the track, and you can get out of things as fast as you got in with minimal damage.
But WHY???
Well, as I said, the techniques for manifesting which are promoted as a means of calling in a partner are often incomplete or gloss over some pretty important aspects of things.
Things such as asking for a partner who is your best and most perfect partner doesn't mean a partner for who you want to be, the life you want to live, or as a remedy to your current situation. It actually means "for who I am in this moment" which includes all of your unhealed wounds, undealt with baggage, and unresolved issues.
While you may think of the perfect partner as someone who will heal these things, make them irrelevant or see them as a positive, the universe will see this as a request for someone who will challenge you to heal them. They will be a mirror for you, doing and being everything you want to ignore or heal. Or they will be a bigger, deeper, worse version of what you specifically don't want which gives you one more chance to heal what is wounded within you.
Why this happens is in part because we are taught our thoughts, intention and will power can override other factors therefore manifestation processes can allow us to spin gold from straw like the girl in Rumpelstiltskin. Unfortunately, it just isn't so. Manifesting is something which happens through and with us, as we are right now in this moment. Our intentions, willpower, and focus do affect the outcome, but cannot override or erase the essential building blocks being used. This means we manifest not only via our essential spiritual selves, but our emotional selves, our wounded and beautiful, unique becoming selves, with all the gifts and the habits and the potential and every experience and bit of wisdom and even folly rolling around in our corners waiting to be found.
So, we aren't aiming wrong when we set our sights through these manifestation processes. We aren't actually hitting the wrong target, calling in the wrong person, or misunderstanding a lesson we seem to have learned but keep having to go through. We don't need to dig deeper for a spiritual connection, a soul level contract, or some karmic attraction which will bypass these misfires. Instead we need to lean into those issues we're trying to override. We need to bring our baggage, emotions, and true needs into the light.
Because Manifesting should be like Baking a Cake
Instead of thinking of manifesting a healthy and loving partner as aiming in order to hit the right target, hunting in order to find the hidden treasure, or being a lighthouse putting out a strong and bright enough signal to bring our sailor home, we should consider instead that we are making a cake. You probably have all the right ingredients but how you add them, when, and how much matters on whether this cake will be edible or a tragic mess.
So A) Show people how to treat you.
One of the things we want and need from a partner is to be seen. We also want them to treat us the way we deserve to be treated. We want to feel important, to be needed, to feel loved and appreciated, and to get feedback showing we belong. I would contend these are some of the most minimal requirements for a healthy relationship and there is quite a bit more which should be added to them, but as a beginning list it will do. So then, how to use it for manifesting.
First let's examine where this list actually comes from. It's not uncommon for these requirements to form, not from a place of hope or a feeling we deserve them, but from pain, fear, lack, loneliness, depression and even a dash of despair. Trying to set a manifestation intention while at the same time trying counteract these emotions, feelings, and states of being is like putting together a lush layer cake where your inner truth is a bitter, harsh, Vegemite filling in between each layer. Dating is just putting frosting on top to attract the right attention and hoping the person tasting a slice will like the Vegemite surprise. Better yet if they are a Vegemite fan or even someone who can magically convert Vegemite into strawberry preserves.
Instead, we should consider turning our filling into something different. People learn how to treat us when we show them how. Not only that, but WE learn how to treat us through our own actions. And the easiest way to do this is to turn to the other list we carry around. The secret or not so secret list of all the specific things we want a partner to do for us. The flower buying, vacation surprising, date night, beach walking, long snuggles with conversation list.
Why not start doing those things for yourself? Want to go out to a nice dinner? Take yourself out. Want to have a little something nice as a surprise for a hard week? Give your friend a gift card and ask them to buy you something from an Amazon wish list you set up. Or buy it for yourself because, you know, you're worth it.
Doing for yourself doesn't make you independent or show you don't need someone else. It shows you and the world what you need, how you need it, and points people towards where a partner can add in more wonder and goodness. It also changes the filling in your cake to the most delicious butter cream goodness which the partner of your choice will be delighted to experience.
B) If all you do is breath out, you'll pass out
Many relationships become structured around transactions. If you do enough, long enough, and get it all right then the relationship will be good and somehow automagically you'll get taken care of in return. This is like going to yoga or the gym and only breathing out in order for your lungs to fill with fresh air.
While it is true the other person or people in your life should be giving as much as they get and you should be honored for all you are and do, none of which is going balance things out if you are a perpetual doing machine. In fact, if you don't take regular breaks, put pauses into things, leave a bit of space, then even if they wanted to help and support you or become part of the process, they can't. Usually what happens is they don't try. People who have turned themselves into perpetual doing machines attract those who like or quickly become accustomed to having things done for them. All the while you're breathing out and hoping at some point they will at least allow you a moment to breathe in.
If we're talking cakes here, this is where you've decided to stir the batter by hand. And not with a paddle, a large wooden spoon or a pastry knife, but with a tiny little butter knife. Over and over, round and round, stirring and stirring with the batter getting more and more worked, more and more uniform, but never baked, never formed, never anything. Just the never-ending batter going around...
Now, stirring needs to happen (Or folding if you have a cake which needs very gentle care). You put the wet and the dry ingredients together and stir them until they are one delicious goop. However, at the goop point, it's time to stop stirring and change course. You take the goop and put it into a prepared pan(s) put it into a preheated oven and walk away for the appropriate amount of time.
As the goop won't do any of this prep work for you, won't put itself in the pan, won't put itself in the oven or bake itself to the right consistency, you'll need to do it. Which means when you think about the life you want to have with a partner, instead of trying to find a partner who will create the life you want, you need to create the life you want and, in the process, choose to bring a partner into the mix. Instead of doing everything a partner and/or your children think they need and want, in the hopes they will become or do what you need and want, focus on manifesting the life you want with space for a partner to fit into the life as someone who can hold their own and do for themselves. This way you get not only to breathe out, but to breathe in and on your own terms.
C) The difference between Good - Right - Best & Highest Good
Even when we have the best of intentions, do everything right, and work to make sure it's the best outcome, we can end up in exactly the worst situation with the short end of the stick. This isn't because we did something wrong, but, well, have you ever tasted something which was meant to be baked with baking powder but instead they put in baking soda? It's a common mistake even skilled bakers make from time to time; however, the results are god awful even if every other ingredient was correct and every procedure followed to the letter. Knowing your ingredients and what is called for in a situation can make all the difference. Often, we put things which are good or right to do ahead of what would be best and end up with a salty inedible mess.
For instance *Good is only so in context. It's good to buy a lottery ticket, but not for investment purposes or if it's the money you need to buy food. Water is good, but not if it replaces the air you need to breathe.
If you are doing things which you think are good for others, but they have negative consequences for your life, then you will manifest a partner who needs you to do good things, but will leave you with negative consequences. When thinking of Good, always keep in mind the airline safety protocols "In the event of sudden cabin depressurization, put your own air mask on first, then help the person next to you."
*Alternately, The Right thing to do is meant to be an ideal which is mixed with a situation in order to create practical actions. However, if we take it on undiluted, like tasting pure Vanilla Extract, it causes a negative reaction with long lasting negative effects.
When manifesting a relationship, we should leave Right out of the mix or let it be a very, very, very sparingly used flavoring. Relationships built on what is right to do rarely have very much relating in them. Everything quickly becomes transactional, geared towards the right action in the right way to get the right result, rather than making a lasting connection of two amazing people to bring something new and unique into the world.
*And then there's Best & Highest Good which is something every cake needs, but too often it becomes diluted. In manifesting a partner we should be asking for what is in our best and highest good. Unfortunately, people often add in what is best and good for the world, for their higher purpose, for the other person, for their and their partner's soul and so on and so on.
It's like adding sugar to the bowl, then instead of adding just one cup of flour, you go on adding another and another and another and another. The sugar is absolutely in there, but it is swamped by all the flour. Flour when mixed with wet ingredients creates structure. Too much and it's a chewy dry mess. Not adding any extra liquid means it will crumble into sand. In either case the sweetness of things won't come through all that mess of Best & Highest Good.
Some things to keep in mind when adding in Best & Highest Good: our being here and being the best self we can be IS good for the world, our highest purpose, best for the other person and our soul. So, all those extras we think we need to add are already included when we do things and manifest things for our own Best & Highest Good. Our primary responsibility in an embodied life is to care for the piece of divinity which is our own soul. Nobody else can do it for us, no relationship can take this responsibility off our hands, and no one else will ever, ever be as good at it as we are.
In the end, Manifesting a healthy, loving partner doesn't require you have all your stuff together, that you fully love yourself or have completely healed. What it does require is you put the focus where it belongs, on you. You've got all the right ingredients. Now it's time to treat them right, mix them in the right order, with you as the focus rather than anything or everything else, and let the baking begin.