Discussing how relationships are an ongoing conversation/negotiation of our personal power in interconnection with another and how to wield it, and ourselves, with gentle grace.
Discussing how relationships are an ongoing conversation/negotiation of our personal power in interconnection with another and how to wield it, and ourselves, with gentle grace.
Empowering Your Life In Relationships
There are power dynamics in any relationship. We humans are social animals which means a significant part of our beingness is defined by our ability to interconnect with others and how we achieve this. We experience the process as trying to find a partner or "The One", looking for our tribe, seeking to fit in, learning lessons with intimate partners, getting married, getting divorced, building a life in a community, leaving a life behind, creating a career, switching careers, retiring and so on.
When it comes to relationships we don't think of things in terms of power. Power is presented as something which is situational, cultural, systemic and much bigger than any two individuals. Yet we now have terms such as domestic violence, narcissist, predator and #Metoo which have become well known to the general public, but in the same way we know about murderers and tragedies. We understand the concepts while at the same time relegating them to something which happens to other people in other places. They don't have anything to do with us or anyone we know.
However, everyone has power. Because we exist, we have the power to create and the power to destroy. We implement this each day by eating (destruction of food), digestion (the creation of health and energy), and elimination (the creation of waste which if untreated will destroy the local ecology).
We have the power to choose how we live, even if our choices are severely limited such as in war zones, famines or draughts.
Each relationship we have is an ongoing conversation/negotiation of our personal power in interconnection with another human being. Often, these unspoken, unobserved power dynamics are actual wounds being healed through difficult relationships or the lessons being learned through what seem to be a string of "failed" relationships, marriages or both.
The ideal, perfect relationship would be one in which the two partners are equal, value each other in equal measure in ways which are appropriate to the needs of the beloved, and who seek through open hearted, conscious communication to understand the other in order to continually improve the relationship. Thus, each is empowering themselves while at the same time empowering the other. This is often what is meant in wedding vows where the couple commit to being their best selves and supporting the other in becoming all they can be both in the relationship and outside it.
Unfortunately or fortunately, absolutely no one is perfect. Each of us is on our own path of healing, growing, maturing and becoming. Our partners may be and often are at a different point in the becoming process which can cause things to be awkward even if the connection is positive. Relationships can be one means of helping us foster our growth or, on the other hand, to suppress and even avoid it. Relationships can be about using our power to move forward and unfold or to prevent change by keeping things absolutely still or repetitive like Ground Hog's Day.
This means while it is not uncommon for people to have various types of empowering relationships, or to fall in and out of them depending on circumstances, there are a fair amount of relationships which have less supportive, empowering dynamics.
These wounded or lesson style relationships can fall into four different power categories:
Transactional - Children who grow up in families where love is not readily available, where demonstrating love or being vulnerable is dangerous, or where everything is geared to meet the needs of the parents rather than the parents loving and rearing their children, learn that relationships are transactional.
The child is valued for what they do, what they produce, and/or how much and how often they are able to achieve what the parents value. This could be good grades, acclaim, silence, obedience, taking on responsibility for themselves at a young age or becoming a "little parent" for their younger siblings.
Thus, in adulthood they see their self-worth, as well as their worth in all types of relationships, as transactional. In group dynamics this means they feel they aren't worth anything and won't be liked or accepted unless they have something to offer. Also, they often undervalue what they have to offer so even when the group approves and gives them positive feedback, they feel as if they haven't done enough.
In a relationship it can play out as a struggle over quid pro quo. If the person's self-worth is transactional, in other words, if they feel love must be earned, then they will do whatever they think is necessary in order to earn love with their partner and see this as simply their duty, the way they are, and how relationships work.
Thus, they use their own power to buy something which, in reality, is theirs by right. As a piece of divinity they are worthy and deserving of love simply because they exist.
Unfortunately, this transactional model of personal power negotiation rarely goes well.
Some partners don't see the transaction. Instead, because they assume correctly that they have a right to be loved because they exist and because this is the way their partner loves them, they accept all the transactions but do not give back or see a need to participate in a quid pro quo equation. They are often shocked and hurt to find they are expected to give back in ways other than they already are which can lead to heart rending discussions, deep wounding, and long-lasting harm.
Some partners get the transaction part and promise to give back someday, but constantly move the date out and out like a carrot dangling in front of a carriage horse. Never close enough to touch, never out of sight so never out of mind. The reasons for this delay can be factual, they can be logical, but in the end don't matter if someday never comes.
And others are simply predators who take advantage. They can recognize a transactional person a mile away. They learn how to say all the right things, act the right way long enough to create a bond, then manipulate things to their advantage, making sure the transactions are all in their favor and rarely interrupted by argument or drama.
The way out of this is to heal the way in which we utilize our personal power. In other words, to stop using transactions as a means to relate. As the joke goes "Don't just do something, stand there." If we aren't earning relationship, but instead are making ourselves open to receiving it, then we are able to experience the empowering process of being vulnerable, but validated, being seen and adored, being truly known.
Another style is Protective - Relationships by their very nature make us vulnerable. We are allowing another person to interconnect with us at the most intimate levels in all, or most, aspects of ourselves. Not everyone is comfortable with this, and some use the power dynamics within relationships to keep a modicum of protection or control in the situation.
It's easy to see this in relationships which have a very large age, wage, financial or social disparity. We see it in movies and TV all the time where an older man marries a young woman or has a young mistress. Recently we started seeing a bit of equality as we accept the trope of "cougar" for women doing the same. Who we think has the actual power can be a matter of discussion because on the one hand the partner with more of something obviously has more power and yet they might be manipulated, through their vulnerability in the relationship, by the less powerful one who is looking to take advantage.
More commonly this plays out as one person who has their ducks in a row, is competent not only in their career, but in life, someone who is seen as able to get things done and may even be the breadwinner while their partner is not. Often their partner will have a need of some kind or be struggling in some way. This may seem short term at first and develop into a way of life or might be a long-term long-standing problem the person is trying to help them heal.
The competent helping person may see themselves as burdened, and most likely they are, but they are also protected. There is a distance, a boundary, which naturally forms around the helper and keeps the helped at arm's length. Unless the struggling partner can heal their issues, stand on their own two feet, and fully support themselves, they can never be equal to the helping partner. They are always at one remove.
People who are healers or work in healing professions tend to fall into these types of relationships. It's a bit like marrying a client. The boundaries between work and personal life blur until the relationship is just another form of service.
The remedy for this is to separate out the helping from the relating.
While all relationships include times when one partner or the other needs support, these are the exceptions which prove the rule of a healthy relationship, which is both people pulling their own weight and becoming more than the sum of their parts in doing so. For those who have engaged with partners who don't pull their own weight, are not equals in the relationship and are constantly in need of help, helping becomes a means of creating power, self-worth and protection. It has become dysfunctional rather than healthy.
Instead, helping should be relegated to community projects, career, and friends. This means our means of relating and interconnection will be with people who are our equal or who ask us to stand fully in our own power without the need for defenses. They are those who don't need us for anything, but instead want us, possibly because they want to celebrate everything we are. Like people healing from transactional relationships we are then able to experience the empowering process of being vulnerable, being seen, being truly known.
Then there is Bandaging - It is romantic to think a partner will be our equal but opposite, will be all we can't, will make us whole and then we'll live happily ever after. We are told this is possible again and again, in books, TV and movies. In fact, it might be the single largest brick used to build the Disney franchise.
This often blends into and entwines with a sense of self created by a childhood where we aren't seen, aren't loved, don't fit in and can't find our tribe. Like Sleeping Beauty, layers and layers of fortifications form around us which possible partners must penetrate in order to connect with us. And once they do, we feel we can finally relax and be our true selves only to find, to our dismay, they don't like this version of us and try to get us to go back to the beautiful but sleeping princess.
I call these types of relationships bandaging because they are attempts to use interconnection to heal our personal wounds. While relationships can be healing in various ways, often by providing safe space for us to gently grow, stretch, or challenge aspects of ourselves and life when we're ready, they aren't meant to be medical interventions. They aren't bandages which stop the bleeding.
When a person has personal wounds, deep or otherwise, and they are seeking a relationship as one way in which to resolve them, even if it is just to stop the hurting, they evaluate all potential mates via this criterion. They are looking at the other person, not to see who they really are, but to see their potential as a remedy. This is using personal power as a means to achieve an end or solve a problem. It hides feelings of powerlessness, low self-esteem, and woundedness with "dating armor" which will be removed once the partner has successfully conquered all the challenges put before them.
Unfortunately, seeing a potential partner as a bandage means we don't see the whole person. All we see is the qualities we need. What we miss is the other person has their own needs. Ironically, those who are looking for bandage relationships often are attracted to or draw in partners who are doing the same.
This often leads to couples who both feel they have been swindled or sold lemons instead of race cars. Once in the relationship and beyond the first blush romance, they are confronted with each other's needs and neediness. Neither is able to hold space for the other or see beyond their own hurt and disappointment. The bandage rapidly becomes additional wounding which will require more bandaging.
There is no simple remedy for this as each person's wounds, fears, and reasons for living in Sleeping Beauty's castle are unique. However, changing how we use our personal power can stop the bandaging relationship process. If, instead of using intimate relationships to heal our wounds or at least stop the bleeding, we can direct our self-worth and power into holding ourselves with grace and compassion, we can start healing these wounds ourselves.
Being our own bandage and best advocate for our needs can allow us to see people for who they truly are. This can lead to us embarking on an adventure to move beyond the walls of the protective castle and meeting a healthy partner along the way.
There is also the Dysfunctional/Abusive Style - While no one can take away your personal power to choose, they can take away most of your choices. Codependence enmeshes people in the need to have absolutely everyone and everything but them have power in a situation and their own happiness becomes contingent on problem solving. Unfortunately, like the postal system, problems just...keep...coming.... There's never an end and people, even beloved family members, are more than happy to take advantage of what is never endingly given.
Narcissists twist power so they can take it from others almost like Tarzan swinging through the trees, never letting his feet touch the ground. They move through life making sure most if not all negative repercussions land on those around them and they swing on to the next situation unscathed.
While we talk about abusers and predators as if they are the bogeyman in a horror movie, each of us has been in this role in one form or another. It is human nature, just like almost every person working an office job will steal something from the company, even if it is just a paper clip or a pen. People take advantage and make excuses for themselves about why it's necessary, right, or situational and will never happen again...until it does.
There are many ways and reasons why we might find ourselves in a relationship where the power seems to shift away from us, like sand in an hourglass. If the relationship is healthy then things will shift back again, sooner rather than later or with a bit of communication and elbow grease. However, if the relationship is becoming abusive or dysfunctional, then we need to be mindful of where we are leaking power.
One of the easiest ways to think about this is to imagine working with clay. If you are the center of the clay, but it is being pulled in all directions, being stolen out of your hands before you can work with it, or constantly flattened before you can finish, then it's time to step away from the table and take a good hard look at what is really going on. A healthy relationship should be like making a pot or a vase. You're the center and things might be spinning around so fast they are a blur, but your center never wavers and things grow and change and become around and because of you until something beautiful has formed. This can seem dramatic as it is a transformation, but the difficult bits happen quickly in short bursts and most of the process just flows.
The most common remedy for these dysfunctional or abusive situations is to back away. It is nearly impossible to see things clearly in a dysfunctional relationship and often the partner is, consciously or unconsciously, working to keep things confusing and misdirected. Stepping back, even from the things you feel are working, allows your own power to heal and regather, lets the dust settle and the beginnings of clarity to emerge.
Relationships are an ongoing conversation/negotiation of our personal power in interconnection with another. While we may think we don't have any, we absolutely do and one of the most important lessons we'll learn in embodied life is how to wield it, and ourselves, with gentle grace.