How to Put Relating Back Into Relationships

Intimate partnerships come in so many varieties these days they have created a Venn diagram of overlap with "Choose Your Own Adventure" narratives. There are marriages, co-parents, long term relationships, long distance relationships, merged families, polyamorous multi-partners, open marriages, along with the usual temporary or in-transition categories of adultery, dating, rebounding and so on.

All of these exist in a state which can feel like travelling via an airport or train station. Relationships may be preparing people to start the journey together, have been in transit for a while, are expected to arrive at this date and time, have been delayed by various circumstances, may be rerouted or turned back, but once they have arrived everyone disembarks and continues on their way to the next thing. The way we language relationship reflects this. We want to know "where this is going" or "when are we moving to the next level." We complain about things never changing, not getting anywhere, having no forward movement, being caught in a loop or just going in circles, going too fast, not fast enough, or going in a direction we didn't expect.

And yet we also have language around relationships as if they are a thing we possess. "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other". "My second husband/wife is working out much better than the first". "Her marriage seems to be working out well". "He has his hands full with this relationship". "They've really got a grip on this partner thing". And so on and so on...

We also talk about them as our identity. We say "I'm married" or talk about our friend as settled down. Being "in a relationship" is something we can put on our social media profiles, common-law is rarely something used to describe a relationship in legal terms while showing up in conversation fairly often, and SWF is such a common descriptor it's become a clichéd media trope.

Relationships become things we can have and identities we can inhabit. This goes hand in hand with our being taught that being in relationship is a goal to be achieved and possibly the answer to everything we aren't, a means to acquire what we don't yet have, and an avenue for achieving our dreams. No pressure.

Don't get me wrong, there are healthy roots for why we're told this. In agrarian culture children are necessary, and the more of them the better if you're going to survive by planting and harvesting. The more hands you have the more you can plant/harvest/store and the more you can add in additional ventures which make it even easier like raising various animals. As we urbanized over the centuries women rarely had any rights to property or wealth, so relationships were key to survival. They literally had to marry into the life they wanted to have. Yes, there were exceptions, but things really didn't change much until the 1900's. (Shout out to suffragettes)

In the majority of cultures the laws and prevailing opinions about women have changed enough this is no longer systemically necessary, however poverty, lack of resources, and lack of opportunities keep marriage as survival a very real issue for millions in the US and all first world countries.

Meanwhile, urbanization and industrialization have created a very large middle class, raised the standard of living for most, and women are now, on paper, equal to men as far as rights and opportunities.  So, for those who have resources and opportunities, this issue with relationships is no longer survival, but the propaganda of the media, romance novels and Disney princesses. I mean, who doesn't love a good romance where the two love birds live happily ever after?

And herein lies another key to understanding a great many relationship problems.  Happily Ever After.  It's the destination.  The place where the plane or train arrives at and once you get there everything is done, complete, and as it should be. The End. 

Except it's not.

You see, this creates a binary situation for relationships which shouldn't be there.  It takes the "ing" or the verb of doing a relationship and changes it into a travelogue while at the same time setting up relationship as a static thing to be arrived at or to have.  So, once we have a relationship, we don't have to do any more. Once we get where we're going, we can let go of the focus on the journey and go back to being ourselves.  I mean, once all parties agree, commit, and create the "we" then the work is done, right? No more need for romance. No need for special attention, continued check-ins around emotions or personal situations, and certainly no need to keep up pre-relationship behaviors. Now each individual is a "we" each can "let go" and focus on behaviors and goals which are more relevant and interesting.

So, getting into a relationship is active and participatory, but once a relationship is achieved the activity shifts or stops all together. 

But relationships are not nouns.  They are not something to have. They are a verb, something to participate in and actively pursue. Relationships, by their very name, should have relating in them.

This is not a revolutionary statement.  Most if not all of us know this both intellectually and instinctively.  The issue is not in the knowing, but in how much energy we put into not-knowing it or dissuading ourselves it's relevant.

In fact, this is the root cause for most affairs.  I call this the Oxygen issue.  So many people convince themselves an affair "just happened".  It was like a meteor, it just fell out of the sky, landed at their feet, and they were amazed by the event.  However, many if not most affairs happen not by chance, but out of need.  Relating is like Oxygen.  It's not "a nice thing to have, but we can do without it".  It's necessary for life and if we don't get enough of it at the right times, we will go into survival mode and try to get it in any way we can. So, while we're still fully engaged with the relationship we're in, we at the same time desperately need relating and so we seek it elsewhere. 

Destination relationships fall into three main categories:

There are those who are in a relationship, but they are most obviously the only one doing any relating.  They make sure the home runs as smoothly as they can, all the needs they and their partner have for their careers are met, the children are cared for and have all their needs met, and put as much energy as they have left over to try and convince their partner to want to participate in any or all of these.  This can lead to a constant hamster wheel of arguments, communication which falls on deaf ears, promises made which are never followed through leaving the person in the lurch, the discovery of affairs and so on.

Other people have relationships which are more like roommates who work different shifts.  Each knows each other so well and has adapted to the other's idiosyncrasies so perfectly neither really connects with the other and if they do it is very stylized and rote. It's like self-hypnosis in that they don't even have to think about what they'll say because like Groundhog's Day everything is always the same and they know exactly how everything will go before it ever happens.  These types of relationships are safe, life supporting and neutral in effect, but that's about it.  What needs to get done, gets done, but no more.

And there are some who have purely functional relationships.  These have the semblance of connection but are actually tools to get needs met or solve a problem.  One spouse stays because their debt is overwhelming, and they feel they can't survive with any quality of life if they don't have access to the other's resources.  The relationship provides childcare, healthcare, access to job opportunities or a means to move into or out of another culture.

So, what can be done? 

First, make yourself aware of all the ways in which you expend energy turning your relationship into a destination.

I'm a writer so I tend to think of making lists and having deep conversations between me and myself through the written word, but there are many ways to go about this. You can do art, record yourself on your phone, sit in meditation, gather items which are symbols and so on.

However, you do it, make a fearless moral inventory of how you are involved in the situation. Each action which is doing something your partner said they would do but never follow through. Every excuse you make in your own mind or to others about why things are this way or that. All of the "well it just has to be that way because..." and the "it works better if...." or the "that's just their way..." Note those down. Be honest, take your time even though it can be uncomfortable, and make what has been internal, pushed to the side, ignored and obfuscated visual, visceral, front and center.

Second, start putting the "ing" back in things.

If you have being doing everything in the relationship, then your mission will be stopping. Stopping yourself from taking up the slack, stopping the conversation you've had 1.28 million times, and stopping yourself from accepting the situation as "in progress". It wasn't, but it soon will be. Will this cause your partner to react, possibly negatively, and cause short term drama? Absolutely. But starting an engine requires a spark. Things won't change until you do, so stop doing and let them relate for a change.

If you've accepted a partner where nothing happens, it's time to be starting. Starting to pull those dreams back out from the box in the basement. Starting to renegotiate how you like to do things and what things you like to do during the hour, day, week, and month. Starting to put attraction and romance back into things, not as a means of manipulating them, but of pleasing you. Starting to be the change you want in your relationship.

If things are logistical rather than relational, then stop telling yourself the relationship is anything else. Relationships are not a universal good and unless they are abusive, how they operate is not a virtue or moral failing. They are a social contract and only you can know if this is the contract you want to be in. If you need your relationship to be logistical in order for you to get from here to there, then good. Be ethical, not abusive, do what's good for both of you and stay in it until you've reached your goal. If you're in it but you want something more, if you're ready to relate, then start looking for this type of relationship. If a logistical relationship is going to turn into something more, it will do so on its own and relatively quickly. If it hasn't over a number of years, it won't ever. To put relating into your life you'll need to find a partner who wants this as well.

Relationships aren't "just the way they are". They are something we create which means we can change them, add to them, or decide to start over. Our lives are something we are manifesting with each breath, each action, each choice throughout our day. Will you choose a noun or a verb today?