The Twin Flame Myth and How We Can Do Better

Discussing how the relationship myth of twin flames turns out to be self-sabotage and instead we can manifest a healthy partnership of equals which supports the life we deserve to unfold.

Transcript

The Twin Flame Myth and How We Can Do Better

Human beings are by their nature relational.  I know the 21st Century with all its social media, lack of community ties, nationalism, tribalism, industrialism and pretty much every other -ism has got us all focused on trying to connect and reconnect in the face of our system disconnection (or disconnect because OMG this is all OVERWHELMING) but it’s important to remember we’re at our core just monkeys with anxiety.  We’re group/troupe/herd oriented, socially interconnected and therefore relationships of all kinds are, in part, how we define and refine ourselves.

Like most mammals we are invested in pair bonding or intimate relationships for not just reproductive reasons, but survival, health, sharing, caring and general well-being.  We need to give and receive love, to be validated in our sense of self and self-worth, and to create a life for ourselves which supports our needs and the needs of those we love.

It is therefore no surprise how large a part relationship myths, stories, narratives and teachings play in our lives. And like all things human, the presence of them may be universal, but their effects aren’t.  While love matches can be fabulous, they can also be catastrophic. Child marriages are often abusive at best, relationships which require obedience or “less than” status for one party lend themselves to destructive behaviors, while unstructured connections which are open and free can lead to miscommunication and fall apart dramatically due to…well…lack of structure.

The modern resurgence of interest in Soul Mates and Twin Flames seems a response to a chaotic, option filled, in transition world where stability, predictability, permanence are in short supply and sometimes only exist as an act of will.  These two terms, Soul Mates – Twin Flames, are sometimes used interchangeably, and they are similar, but their essence is quite different.

In general, a soul mate is someone who, as a complete individual in their own right, relationally is best suited and contracted to be the partner or mate with another complete individual.  They are the perfect match for each other, the lives they are living, the goals their souls are attempting to complete, even though they may be quite different from each other, and their coming together creates a greater whole from the sum of their parts.  This “We” they create is something new which has never existed before and so manifests new experiences into the All That Is.

By contrast, the term Twin Flames refers to a soul which has been split into two halves for some reason.  Or they are two individuals who like biological twins are complete mirror images of each other. These individuals tend to have similar strengths and weaknesses and feel intensely connected over something shared — usually over shared pain or painful experiences.  The joining of twin flames heals a separation, completes a circuit, therefore allowing things within the individual, which were problems, to be solved and creating an opportunity for each partner to be better than they were.  There is a sense of being challenged to be their best selves and to see how much they can unfold and be in this lifetime.

This type of relationship is often focused on healing, problem-solving and expanding rather than relating and so lends itself to soul level connections, deep emotional ties, and heightened experiences of self and other, but not to long-term healthy partnership.  It is difficult to maintain grounded mundane daily life when engaged in deep emotional processing or soul level transformation.

As a side note, there are people who expand this notion of Twin Flames from relationship with a partner into energy work as well.  This seems to be a combination of these personal relationship aspects with the Jewish concept of Tikkun Olam (https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/tikkun-olam-repairing-the-world/) or the repairing of the world.  At its root the system is based on the Kabbalistic 16th century mystic Isaac Luria's concept which states in making the world, God used his own light and placed it in vessels.  However his light was so bright, so broad and simply so much some of the vessels shattered. Pieces of His light mixed with the destroyed remnants of the vessels, littering the universe with husks of what should have been mixed with tiny shards of divinity, an act which is called the Sundering.  Each human is uniquely qualified to find these shards, starting with our own, and gather them back again so we can return this life to its perfected state.  

The idea being if we are a piece of God, a unique piece of divinity, and the world as it stands now is a broken form of what God intended, divinity evenly mixed with evil, then our divinity must be called towards the broken bits of divinity which need our help in order to be freed and restored.  In Judaism this is done through a variety of activities and ritual practices, but in spiritual community this is now loosely seen as finding your purpose, calling or passion and following through with it.  What you are called to is the twin flame energies your soul is most aligned with and so on.

But Twin Flames as a concept and type of relationship isn’t a modern creation.  It’s been around for centuries, possibly since humans began walking upright, if not before, and while it persists, the reasons why aren’t because it’s actually a thing. Twin Flames are not something which actually exist. Instead, it is an attempt to find meaning in why there are biological sexes, why we as humans desire to pair bond, how best to love each other and why we experience pain, loneliness and ill health if we want partnership and can’t seem to create it.

To put this in perspective, for there to be a half of something, the something must be divisible like pizza or cake.  Souls are not physical, not corporeal, and so cannot be divided.  They are forever complete units of themselves even as they unfold more of their abilities, grow more wise, and become more of their full potential.  Therefore there can’t be one half which is looking for the other half.  

Put another way, you can’t cut air in half by running a knife through it.  Same with water.  You can separate out volumes of water or air into separate containers, but each container is then complete in and of itself.  No matter how you separate out quantities of them, air remains air and water remains water.  If you truly divide air into half, what you have is no longer air, it is nitrogen and oxygen.  Same with water which when truly divided returns to being oxygen and hydrogen.

Probably the best discussion of this myth and the dead end it leads to comes to us from Plato and the ancient Greeks.  In The Symposium (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symposium_(Plato) Plato goes into depth as to what love is, why it’s a positive force for good in the world and humans particularly, but how we misunderstand and get tripped up by it often.  The myth of Twin Flames is discussed in detail and Plato describes what it would be like if it were to be a real phenomenon.

“In the first place, let me treat of the nature of man and what has happened to it; for the original human nature was not like the present, but different. The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, having a name corresponding to this double nature, which has once a real existence, but is now lost, and the word "Androgynous" is only preserved as a term of reproach.  In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, a head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond.  He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast....

[Zeus] said: "Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us.  They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again. They shall hop about on a single leg." He spoke and cut men in two, like a sorb-apple which is halved for pickling, or as you might divide an egg with a hair; and as he cut them one after another, he bade Apollo give the face and the half of the neck a turn in order that man might contemplate the section of himself: he would thus learn a lesson of humility. Apollo was also bidden to heal their wounds and compose their forms. So he gave a turn to the face and pulled the skin from the sides all over that which in our language is called the belly, like the purses which draw in, and he made one mouth at the center, which he fastened in a knot (the same which is called the navel); and he moulded the breast and took out most of the wrinkles, much as a shoemaker might smoothe leather upon a last; he left a few, however, in the region of the belly and navel as a memorial of the primeval state. After the division the two parts of man, each desiring the other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one, they were on the point of dying from hunger and self-neglect, because they did not like to do anything apart; and when one of the halves died and the other survived, the survivor sought another mate, man or woman as we call them, - being the sections of entire men or women, - and clung to that....Zeus...turned the parts of generation round to the front, for this had not been always their position, and they sowed the seed no longer as hitherto like grasshoppers in the ground, but in one another, and after the transposition the male generated in the female in order that by the mutual embraces of man and woman they might breed, and the race might continue...”

Plato - The Symposium trans. by Benjamin Jowett

Through this description Plato is, besides pointing out just one more example of how Zeus was an entitled tyrant who casually abused humans, using sarcasm to show how logistically absurd it would be to have humans be two halves of a whole seeking to reunite.  It also highlights how the Twin Flame myth is not a means to achieve healthy love, but a remedy for damage which has been done or a means to heal an ongoing pain.  Hence it’s focus on healing, problem-solving and expanding rather than relating and so lends itself to soul level connections, deep emotional ties, and heightened experiences of self and other, but not too long term healthy partnership.  

Soul level connections or Twin Flame style relationships can also be a reason why we lose our path or take detours rather than progressing on our journey. This happens when we pay attention to the radiance coming from the other person's soul, from their timeless infinite self, and ignore or refuse to acknowledge there is more to them and the life they are living. Our focus on the soul level aspect of the connection can keep us from honoring our partner's truth. While their soul may be resplendent, in this incarnation they might be narcissistic, codependent, dysfunctional, abusive, controlling, addictive, unable to communicate clearly and/or many other things besides. This radiant light of our soul and their soul connecting might also prevent us from recognizing we are exactly the wrong person to help them with their issues if they are even willing to acknowledge they have any. Or they are exactly not the person best suited to help us with ours. 

This is why relationships which start as soul level connections made from full spectrum white light and the timelessness of universal interconnection often end as spectacularly as they begin. They can implode leaving an afterimage like fireworks in the night sky or they can sizzle through the remains of what was built much like lava consuming everything in its path as it moves to the sea to build something wild and new.  This can detour us on our path, shake us to our core, make us doubt all we know and the wisdom which has guided us so far.  It can lead us to a dark night of the soul, but also raise things to the ground so the way is swept clear for us to leap forward into the next phase of our becoming. 

The desire for soul level connection or twin flame can be a form of self-sabotage in disguise. No matter what type of intimate relationship a person has, some of the greatest pleasures and deepest lessons which come from this relating will be in the work it requires. This work rarely comes in the form of a "lightning bolt from on high" causing transformation or a complete sacrifice of self in order to support the other, but instead is the kind described in Yoga Sutra 1.14 "Practice that is done for a long time, without break and with sincere devotion becomes a firmly rooted, stable, and solid foundation". 

Like Yoga, Tai Chi, or Qigong, relationships aren't about being perfect or even perfect in the moment, but instead about showing up, being available as best you can in the moment, seeing things through, being responsible for yourself and your own needs, and stepping back when this is the most spiritual solution in the situation.  Deep soul level connection, like trust, is built in the quiet moments, the little gestures, the smallest of choices to see and be with them in the face of numerous other options. This requires each partner have moments where they are vulnerable, raw, scared, unsure, confused, and needing to ask for and receive help.

In contrast, healthy partners are the most rewarding and the most challenging relationship to create because a partner is by definition an equal. While they may at times need our help, while they will never know everything we do and so will learn from us, they are not in relationship with us because of a desire to be taught or a need to be healed. They require us to be vulnerable, speak our truth, and hold our boundaries while at the same time being open to them doing the same. They offer us the ability to create an interconnection like an infinity symbol, their authentic self-feeding into, challenging, and encouraging ours which invites and instigates us to do the same for them. 

Partner relationships are founded on a basis of equality from the outset. They allow us to gently set aside our need to be safe and encourage us to see the connection as an adventure where both can grow, fail, unfold, withdraw, become and grow wise in union and individually. This is not to say they are perfect soulmate situations where no work needs to be done, no one gets their feelings hurt, no problems occur and everything comes up roses. Far from it. No adventure is without a little danger and the occasional U-turn. However, a partner relationship founded on two equals choosing each other weaves these events into even stronger bonds which are, eventually, nourishing and allows each to flourish. 

So rather than attempting to find someone who is your best and perfect partner for who you are right now, who is willing to look past all your defenses to see the real you, or who can fit themselves into the life you're living now in the hopes they can help you create something better later, I recommend setting your intention to manifest your fully equal partner. Someone who is just as willing and able as you to be fully themselves, who you can feel safe enough to remove the armor, and who doesn't need you to fix them nor wants to fix you. From this foundation almost anything and everything is possible.

One of the most powerful ways to manifest a partner, once you've defined what you want, focused your mind on making this a reality and set your intentions, is to begin working directly with your 2nd Chakra.

To do this:

* Get into a meditative state, either lying down or preferably seated. If you're in a chair, make sure your feet are flat on the floor.

* Focus your attention on your 3rd Chakra, your center which is just above your belly button and below your rib cage. Allow yourself to feel the warm glow, the happiness which is your transcendent self. That feeling of home where everything is all right.

* Move your attention down to your 2nd Chakra, which is between your hip bones. Hold this feeling of your transcendent self as it begins to adjust and transform into physical and emotional feelings, to becoming embodied.

* Next, focus your attention on how you have changed. From being a radiant glow of light, you can see your energy in your sacral chakra is a loop. The golden glow becomes a ribbon of flowing gold coming into you at the center point between your hip bones, moving around the inner left side, across the back, around the inner right side, and back out through the center.

* You are one half of an infinity symbol. Completely yourself, whole and healthy, and yet there can be more.

* As you watch you feel your boundaries stretch in front of you, as if a wall of fog were shredding and fading. You remain in your center, the energy ribbon flowing through you, yet you begin to see beyond yourself to where the energy comes from and goes to.

* Focusing your attention on the ribbon you can perceive that as it moves through you it is picking up your intentions, your desires, your needs, requirements and thoughts. It is communicating these out into the world.

* You can feel as the energy comes into you it carries the intentions, desires, needs, requirements and thoughts of another.

* When you are ready, begin to activate this energy, strengthening it, sending encouragement through it, calling to the one who matches who you are and what you need.

* When you feel a positive response know your message has been received. Things have been set into motion.

* Return your consciousness to your core self, feeling the same and yet more than you once were.

* Allow your attention to return to your body, to the room, and to the moment.

While some would call this a meditation, it is in actuality a ceremony or act of manifestation. This process can be done more than once; in fact the process of manifestation improves with repetition. Trust your awareness of yourself, the intuition and information you receive. Real life changes usually occur within hours or days, although not necessarily the way we expect them to.