Trust is a Skill

Taking a deepish look at how trust is not an emotion or an object, but instead a skill.  It is an ability we have and the more we use it to support ourselves, our boundaries, and our path, the more flexible, capable, and trustworthy we become.

Transcript

Trust is a Skill

We are taught that trust is like an emotion. Hence, we can trust someone in a similar way to how we love. We can have our trust broken like our heart and often these things go hand in hand. We can feel our trust in someone or something die as events unfold and then grieve for its loss once it's gone.

Because of this, we treat trust like we do all emotions, categorizing whether it is good or bad, seeing our relationship to it as something we need to control, and taking it as a personal failure when it is not functioning the way we judge it should in any given circumstance. This is why people can talk about having trust issues in general or about particular situations and see this as a personal failure or character flaw. We can lose trust in our ability to judge people or events, see ourselves as untrustworthy, or feel incapable of trusting our own perceptions of the world. This is thought to be a failing like an inability to control anger or to remedy depression. We are taught to treat our emotions as if they are like domesticated cats or dogs. They must conform to our needs and live by our rules.

On the other hand, we also talk about trust as a thing or an object. We give it to others, it can be used and abused, it can be broken, or it's even like a toy someone plays with which has consequences... We use this language when discussing the trust in relationships of various kinds but also in connection to religious and spiritual leaders. We trust that the person who is teaching us, leading us, supporting our path and so on is doing so in good faith and for the best and highest good. Should we find they are abusing our trust (using it to hide sexual abuse, abuse of power or acts of greed) we see the trust our chosen path was founded on as a lie or feel it crumble into dust. We can know we have no more trust to give to others or even have a deficit which then makes everything in life seem insurmountable or impossible.

Either as an object or as a feeling, these methods of interacting with trust are taught to us in order to make trust seem as if it's an extra appendage like an ear or a toe or an elbow. As if it's useful, desirable, but can be damaged/lost/removed and we can still function albeit in an alternative fashion. This way our sense of self can be manipulated into a purchasing/producing cog in an economic society. I mean, if you can't trust yourself, you can trust your stomach so buy happiness in the form of a burger. If you can't trust your boss, you can trust this brand to stand by you forever as long as you keep buying things. Influencers can show you the way to thin, abundant happiness and the next yoga pose or meditation or spiritual vacation will put you on your path. Just trust them, take the leap of faith and all will be perfect. Right?

Trust is a Skill

The thing is, trust is a skill much like standing, seeing or holding. Once you have them, they can't be taken from you, although if you suffer significant physical damage to various parts of you, they can be impaired. Trust is something within you, which is you, like your muscles or your bones. It can't be given away, is affected by emotions but doesn't belong to them, and while it can be injured, it can be repaired and often heals naturally just like skin.

Trust is something we learn in early infancy and perfect throughout childhood.  It is what babies are doing by grabbing their feet and chewing on them.  Through this action they are building trust in themselves by perceiving their mouth and tongue via their feet, by perceiving their foot via their mouth, and also their ability to manipulate their body via their brain and nervous system. Trust is built as they learn how to discern what is too hot or too cold before either cause them pain.  We still do this instinctually today, by touching the cup or bowl even before we look at them.

A great deal of our trust aptitude is developed when we learn to walk.  We are literally learning to trust our own ability to take care of ourselves by learning to stand when we want, how we want, to balance on our own feet, to reach outwards and not fall over, to walk and then run where and when we want to go, and to stop on a dime.  All of which takes tons of practice with a great deal of falling, minor injury, frustration and joy.

We have language which reminds us of this kind of trust.  We talk about testing the waters when we're considering a new project or activity. We strive to get our feet under us when something or someone has us "off balance."  We check to see if something is solid (with our proverbial foot) before putting our full weight or attention on it.  And we put amazing amounts of effort into preventing ourselves from falling. As in "falling for that one again", "falling all over myself", "falling for lies and sob stories" and so on.

But just as in learning to walk, trust requires we fall. Repeatedly.  Because the only way to know we can take care of ourselves, get back up again and go on, the only way to learn to trust ourselves, is to fall.

Learning to Fall Safely

There is plenty of advice out there about confidence building.  Like learn something new so you regain a sense of yourself as accomplished. Remind yourself you can take on a challenge and succeed by taking a class, trying out a new activity, or joining in with friends doing something in a new way.

This is something which has been common advice both in the corporate world and in addiction treatment (might be a correlation there) where people need to build confidence in themselves before they take on the big overwhelming project or new challenge or next step.  So, they are directed to take on something small, but achievable like learning how to knit a scarf or work the basic functions of a camera or play a tune on the Ukulele. Small projects mean the pressure to succeed is also small and so is the impact of falling.  It may be a bit frustrating, but this is part of the point: to learn to have a healthy relationship with frustration, seeing it as part of the process and not a failure.  At the same time the person is learning to stand back up, learn from the fall, and do things better this time.  Wash/rinse/repeat until they have achieved the goal. 

What's important is these goals are not thought experiments, aspirations, intentions or states of mind but real objects which can be seen/touched/felt.  The evidence of the person's successful efforts, their competence, and skill building are demonstrable to themselves and others.  This builds self-confidence as a skill which is then applicable to any and all other situations.

Self-confidence in our skills and abilities resides primarily in our hands.  Trust lives in our pelvis, legs, and feet.

If we learn the skill of trusting ourselves and therefore our ability to navigate the world around us through learning to walk, then the road to healing broken trust will start in the same place, learning to fall safely and get back up again.

Martial Arts as a Physical/Spiritual Path

A preponderance of spiritual practices ask the practitioner to ignore the body entirely (such as needing to sit-lie down-still your body, quiet your mind, then go to other places), minimize and regiment bodily activities (as in refrain from sex, use food for cleansing, refrain from certain foods, don't dance, don't expose certain body parts...), or use the body specifically as a method to access states of being other than being in the body (as experienced with yoga, Ayahuasca, sweat lodge...).  Often spiritual community teaches the body is a hindrance, gross material, something to move beyond and so on, which just piles on to the cultural teachings of our body being a mechanical thing which breaks down all the time, as well as an imperfect thing we need to constantly change or improve.  

Traditional martial arts, which come from rich and varied cultures, provide a different path.  Rather than seeing the body as a means to get on our path, a doorway to move through in order to get somewhere else, or an impediment, it is seen as the path itself.

I use the term Traditional Martial Arts to distinguish between the spiritual path and martial arts which have become competitive sports or a means of aggression and disempowerment of others. Martial arts as a spiritual practice do not require youth, strength, or any specific level of wellness. Like any spiritual path, many seekers begin the journey broken in a myriad of ways and it is through walking the path, experiencing themselves in new ways, that they heal and unfold.

If all you're able to do is stand, with or without assistance, and attempt to be in the correct posture, then you've succeeded. If you can support your upper body in alertness through your core or if you can stretch through your feet or work to put physical life force through your arm and out your fingertips in one sharp move, then fantastic. A spiritual path has no arbitrary goals, time frames, or metrics to meet. You are a piece of divinity and how you express into yourself and the world is beautiful and unique to you. Your path will be your own and compare to no one. Goals for progress, such as belt levels or katas, are only as useful as they support us on our path. If they become obstacles, then we should remove them or go around.

For Judo, Karate, Muay Thai, Taekwondo, Aikido, Capoeira, Tai Chi Chuan and many others, the point of the path is to be fully in your body. To bring your soul, your suchness, your piece of divinity fully into the now. This includes what has come to be termed Mindfulness, but moves beyond it into manifestation. 

It can help to think of this as the physical process of creating boundaries. Martial arts teach centeredness, which is both physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. To be balanced within the self. However, it is practically impossible to do this without having an external mirror, something which reflects back to us who we are and how we are being. Which means we not only need to know ourselves, but what is not us. In this ongoing act of defining, we create boundaries. Boundaries around how far we can be pushed, what we will allow to be done to us, how we will react to other's actions and so on.

The first and most crucial lesson on this path is, of course, learning how to fall. Because being fully present in life is not about never having any difficulties or avoiding all obstacles. There will be times, through no fault of our own and other times when it is totally on us, that we fall. Therefore, we need to know how to do so safely, we can get up again unharmed, and we can trust in our ability to take care of ourselves no matter the outcome.

Martial Arts teach us to trust ourselves.

The spiritual path of martial arts unfolds a way of being which is much like the Lotus or the Rose. If we are able to be fully present with ourselves, knowing our boundaries and our capabilities, trusting in our ability to weather whatever comes, then we can unfold ourselves to fully experience the other or even the world at large all around us. Being fully ourselves means we can also be fully present to everyone and everything else. Not accepting of everything, but present in as much or as little as we choose. 

This is why true masters who spend their lives on this path seem to have extra senses around others, knowing what they are going to do or say before it happens. They can, if they choose, feel others as an extension of themselves and adjust their responses accordingly. This is handy when sparring or teaching, but amazing when it comes to living our life.

Because of this and our growing understanding and awareness of trauma in all of its kaleidoscopic varieties, martial arts are regaining their place as a means for healing and a spiritual path. There is even a podcast now explaining this new unfolding called Conscious Combat Club. 

Martial arts can help us regain trust in our ability to support ourselves. Literally. By being able to stand on our own feet, support ourselves with our own bones, move ourselves with our core selves, we can choose how to respond rather than just react to what comes into our lives.