Manifest a Healthy Partner

Discussing how, rather than attempting to find someone who is your best and perfect partner for who you are right now, you can set your intention to manifest someone who is your fully healthy and equal partner.

Transcript

Manifest a Healthy Partner

Being in relationship is part of the embodied experience and something we are not only predisposed to do but seek out. The way in which we are able to interconnect with others in embodied life is unique as we are able to maintain our discrete self-encased bodily system while sharing ourselves in intricate, complex, and consciously chosen ways with another. This combination allows us to experience the full range of our emotions without causing harm to the other, gives us the ability to craft the expression of our emotions, and to experience in full those of the other. This is in direct contrast to our normal state as souls where we are telepathic, empathic, and have no defense against the intrusions of others thoughts and emotions. We experience them as if they were our own whether we wish to or not. We therefore live in a state of consistent restraint not wanting to cause others distress or harm via our thoughts or feelings. As souls we learn quite early how to control what we think and feel as a means of expressing our love and respect for those around us. In direct contrast to this, in embodied life we may think and feel anything we want as much as we want. It is only in our expression of these thoughts and feelings that others are affected in some way.

This is most often what we focus on when thinking about or being in a relationship, how we feel and the way in which we or they are expressing needs. However, while communication problems are common enough in relationships to spawn entire self-help sections and the need for couple's counselors, it can be a symptom of a much deeper issue. Many relationships suffer due to how we are relating first to ourselves and therefore to our significant other. It can be helpful to think of this in terms of scales. Tipped one way we are unable to see beyond the moment and our need, tipped the other we are unable to move beyond their needs, all the while the scales are meant, not to hold still and completely equal, but to gently rock back and forth in order to create the equilibrium of equal partnership.

Some people struggle to learn lessons, heal or deal with issues via relationships. This is normal and very human which does not make it any less difficult, painful, or disheartening. In fact, it is common enough we recognize when someone has "married their mother" or are in relationship with a guy because of their "daddy issues." We try to work through what is most intimate to us emotionally through relationships where, unlike in our family of origin, we have the ability to act in our best interest and the freedom to do so. Because we can walk away from a relationship of our choosing, we can feel free and even empowered to open ourselves up. We have the opportunity to work through things, make different choices, change the ending, get what we need and speak our truth. We can get what we have always needed and repair the damage done. At least that's the theory.

The difficulty comes in the fact this is a relationship and not a one-man play being acted out on a stage with only one person's perspective being represented. Someone learning lessons or working to heal is rarely able to hold space for another person or fully participate in being a healthy partner. Their focus is on their pain, their issues, and their needs. This isn't to say they are selfish, but if you have pain somewhere it's difficult to think about anything else or focus beyond the need to make the pain go away.

So, when a person in this situation opens themselves up to relationship it is with their thumb on the scales in their favor. They may fervently desire and even ask for an intimate partner, their perfect match who will solve all of their problems and create their happily ever after, however the criteria they are using is weighted towards someone who will help them fix their problems. They are looking for someone who will fill the voids, give them something they have never had before, resolve old hurts and so on. This makes the relationship search task oriented rather than person oriented. They are looking for a bandage rather than a partner, a means to an end.

In this search, with things weighted towards problem solving and the focus on the task, what gets missed is the fact the person is not only a solution, but also a complex human being. In most cases the factors which make them a good fit as a bandage are only a fraction of everything which is contained in their identity and often these aren't even the most relevant concerning being with them. Of course, at the beginning of a relationship each person is not only putting the best version of themselves out there, but they are picking up the queues as to what their lover likes, how they talk, and what is most relevant to making them happy in the moment, so each tends to do, say and be those things. All of which aids in the romance, helping each person through the frightening experience of taking down barriers and being vulnerable to another person.

It is after this, after the romance begins to wane, the oxytocin wears off and each person starts to act like their "normal" selves again that the truth becomes achingly clear, for their lover begins to do the same. They discover the lover is not who they thought them to be. The rest of their lover's core self begins to emerge and often is as wounded, needy, and desiring of bandaging as their own. This can cause the world to seem as if it has been flipped upside down. Where they thought they would be loved, cared for, and have the life they have always wanted instead they end up being the help, support, and even servant of their significant other who has "issues" which need healing.

If this happens often enough or if we've been hurt deeply enough, we can seek a solution through spiritual connection.  We can tip the scales even further in our favor by looking for a soul mate, a twin flame, or "The One" who we are contracted with to create a happy life.  Or we may go looking for a person we've had many, many past lives with and so have an affinity for each other which goes beyond space and time.  We call out to our equal but opposite who is on the same path, understands us completely, who is longing for us to fulfill our promise and who will be the answer to everything which has gone before in our lives.

And while common wisdom says finding such a connection is less likely than winning the lottery and wise sages warn that such connections are for the few and only occur through fate or outrageous luck, the truth is they are available to anyone who is willing to tune in, unfold and engage.

Soul level connections with intimate partners carry within them a magic which is transformative.  They show us the timeless truths of our essential nature. They can seem to pull back the veil so for a moment we can experience in linear time the universe within ourselves, as if our higher self had come into our body and begun to live with us in this life.

They also show us the unflattering, uncomfortable, sometimes even searing truth which is most of the time we are absolutely not living from our own soul level. While we can, for a time, hope such a bright light will dispel all shadows both within and without, instead they act like a spotlight bringing everything we have not yet healed or developed or become into the blinding light of day. Not just once, not in a flash like a nuclear explosion, but over and over, day after day, conversation after argument after indignity after dismay.

This can be confusing since if life is meant to be a path towards love and light, then being intimately connected in a relationship which is 200% love and light should be exponentially better for us and make us better people.  However, the path of love and light should be seen somewhat like salt in soup.  Too little and the soup may be bland or in need of many other flavors just to make up the difference.  Just the right amount and you don't even realize there is salt in the mix because its purpose is to support and enhance everything else including simply the enjoyment and nourishment of eating soup.  Too much and the soup goes from unpalatable to even inedible. If the main ingredient is salt, then it actually becomes harmful and can't even be thrown out without special measures.

It can be helpful to remember that the way in which ancient communities were destroyed was to salt the earth which made it incapable of growing crops or even salting the well so there was no fresh water and people were left with a choice to leave or die of thirst.

Soul level connections can also be a reason why we lose our path or take detours rather than progressing on our journey. This happens when we pay attention to the radiance coming from the other person's soul, from their timeless infinite self, and ignore or refuse to acknowledge there is more to them and the life they are living. The most common example of this is what is colloquially known as the guru syndrome.  People focus on a teacher, expert or authority as an answer to their questions or as providing what they have been seeking.  This focus is narrow and task or goal oriented so naturally ignores anything beyond its scope. Any reports or even experiences of the guru acting contrary to their spiritual teachings or practices are often excused as momentary, the fault of others, or a reaction to a unique set of circumstances in which anyone would have done the same.  Eventually it can be seen the guru is no less and no more human than any other person, sometimes with glaringly unhealed issues which create a toxic atmosphere or eventually negatively impact the seeker.

With intimate partners, focus on the soul level aspect of the connection can keep us from honoring our partner's truth. While their soul may be resplendent, in this incarnation they might be narcissistic, codependent, dysfunctional, abusive, controlling, addictive, unable to communicate clearly and/or many other things besides. This radiant light of our soul and their soul connecting might also prevent us from recognizing we are exactly the wrong person to help them with their issues if they are even willing to acknowledge they have any. Or they are exactly not the person best suited to help us with ours.

This is why relationships which start as soul level connections made from full spectrum white light and the timelessness of universal interconnection often end as spectacularly as they begin. They can implode leaving an afterimage like fireworks in the night sky or they can sizzle through the remains of what was built much like lava consuming everything in its path as it moves to the sea to build something wild and new.  This can detour us on our path, shake us to our core, make us doubt all we know and the wisdom which has guided us so far.  It can lead us to a dark night of the soul, but also raise things to the ground so the way is swept clear for us to leap forward into the next phase of our becoming.

The desire for soul level connection can be a form of self-sabotage in disguise. No matter what type of intimate relationship a person has, some of the greatest pleasures and deepest lessons which come from this relating will be in the work it requires. This work rarely comes in the form of a "lightning bolt from on high" causing transformation or a complete sacrifice of self in order to support the other, but instead is the kind described in Yoga Sutra 1.14 "Practice that is done for a long time, without break and with sincere devotion becomes a firmly rooted, stable, and solid foundation".

Like Yoga, Tai Chi, or Qigong, relationships aren't about being perfect or even perfect in the moment, but instead about showing up, being available as best you can in the moment, seeing things through, being responsible for yourself and your own needs, and stepping back when this is the most spiritual solution in the situation. Deep soul level connection, like trust, is built in the quiet moments, the little gestures, the smallest of choices to see and be with them in the face of numerous other options. This requires each partner have moments where they are vulnerable, raw, scared, unsure, confused, and needing to ask for and receive help. 

Seeking a soul level connection can sometimes be used as a means to bypass uncomfortable facets of relationship. The idea behind this is if the radiant mirror can show us who we truly are, then a relationship based on this level of soul connection will have no need to put us through such uncomfortable things. Our perfect partner will see past our failings, fill in the wounds we haven't yet healed, defeat all the challenges we have built to weed out the pretenders, understand we are not the mask and costume we wear to get through our day, and be only appreciative and approving of our needs and desires. In fact, they will share our path in its entirety and walk it with us every step of the way, having exactly the same goals we have and understanding them in the exact same way.

Thus is the sabotage set by completely ignoring the truth that each of us is unique and so no two paths are exactly the same. It negates the reality our partner will have needs, desires, masks, wounds and failings of their own. In fact, if they are drawn to us, if the connection clicks into place, then they will more than likely be setting themselves up for a fall just as thoroughly as we are. Like with the guru syndrome, over time the focus of the spotlight widens, behaviors which are not soul driven cease to be ignorable, issues arise, boundaries get violated and what seemed heavenly becomes a muck to be trudged through.

Partners are the most rewarding and the most challenging relationship to create because a partner is by definition an equal. The scales may never be still, but they move equally back and forth, never favoring one person, one need or the other. While our partner may at times need our help, while they will never know everything we do and so will learn from us, they are not in relationship with us because of a desire to be taught or a need to be healed. They require us to be vulnerable, speak our truth, and hold our boundaries while at the same time being open to them doing the same. They offer us the ability to create an interconnection like an infinity symbol, their authentic self-feeding into, challenging, and encouraging ours which invites and instigates us to do the same for them.

Partner relationships are founded on a basis of equality from the outset. They allow us to gently set aside our need to be safe and encourage us to see the connection as an adventure where both can grow, fail, unfold, withdraw, become and grow wise in union and individually. This is not to say they are perfect soulmate situations where no work needs to be done, no one gets their feelings hurt, no problems occur and everything comes up roses. Far from it. No adventure is without a little danger and the occasional U-turn. However, a partner relationship founded on two equals choosing each other weaves these events into even strong bonds which are, eventually, nourishing and allows each to flourish.

So rather than attempting to find someone who is your best and perfect partner for who you are right now, who is willing to look past all your defenses to see the real you, or who can fit themselves into the life you're living now in the hopes they can help you create something better later, I recommend setting your intention to manifest your fully equal partner. Someone who is just as willing and able as you to be fully themselves, who you can feel safe enough to remove the armor, and who doesn't need you to fix them nor wants to fix you. From this foundation almost anything and everything is possible.