Christmas Steve - EPISODE 4
INT. CASEY HOME
The Caseys enter. Izzy storms through the front door and stomps upstairs.
SFX: front door open. Stomping up stairs.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
I was home for the holidays and my quest for true love, though once promising, wasn’t exactly going as planned.
BRENDAN
(calling after)
Izzy, honey! We’re sorry. We didn’t know Christmas Steve had a very shapely girlfriend.
MARGARET
(yelling upstairs)
Or an ‘old flame who’s also his business partner.’
SFX: running upstairs, down the hall.
MARGARET
‘Partner’ can mean so many things these days.
SFX: Bedroom door slam.
BRENDAN
Your mother and I are just as confused as you!
SFX: door open.
IZZY
(frustrated yell)
I’m NOT confused! Unh!!
SFX: door slam.
BRENDAN
(normal voice)
Well we are very confused. I mean, are Steve and Nikki all business or do they have business in the bedroom? I dunno. Maybe it’s none of my business.
MARGARET
I’m not confused.
SUSAN
Yah, they definitely bump uglies.
MARGARET
Yah. Instagram official.
SUSAN
Did you see their body language? Their crotches were angled at each other like sexy crotch-magnets.
IZZY
I CAN HEAR YOU!!!
BRENDAN
Is she okay?
IZZY
(muffled ugly cry sobs)
WAHHHH.
SUSAN
Izzy’s a grown-up. She’ll snap back.
We hear the sobbing grow EVEN LOUDER.
MARGARET
Let’s turn on some music.
MUSIC CUE: Sad, downbeat Christmas music like the Peanuts Christmas Special.
INT. IZZY’S BEDROOM
Izzy’s having a full-on sad-attack. Her ‘adult’ clothes are on the floor, in a pile. She’s back to her regressed look of sweatpants, hair in a scrunchie.
She wipes away ugly-cry tears and squeezes her Furby tight.
IZZY
(crying, sniffles.)
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
(play underneath her crying?)
What I thought I had with Steve turned out to be a big fat lie. Who kisses their business partner on the cheek and has crotch-magnet body language. Or am I freaking out. We’d only been on two dates. I ruined it all at the restaurant, flipping out in front of the entire freaking town. What was I gonna do?!? I’ll tell ya. I called my therapist. No, not my new one who just went out of network. My old therapist. My original therapist - my dog. Barkley.
BARKELY
Ears-perking-up dog sound. ?
IZZY
(to her dog)
Why, Barkely? Why am I so stupid? He’s too handsome. He probably never even liked me. WAAAA!
BARKLEY
Sad dog sound.
IZZY
But I’m alone in Los Angeles. I’m alone in here in Milwaukee. AUGH!!
BARKLEY
Sad dog sound.
IZZY
I KNOW! I’LL NEVER FIND ANYONE THAT PUT TOGETHER EVERY AGAAAAIIIIIN!
PLAY THIS SCENE OUT, IMPROV-WISE? TOO ‘MAGICAL’ w/ DOG RESPONSE?
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
He’s a good listener.
She puts her pillow over her head and cries into it.
SFX: Sad music outtro.
INT. CASEY HOME - ENTRYWAY - LATER
Margaret, Brendan, and Susan are dressed in their winter coats, ready to leave.
MARGARET
(calling up)
Izzy? We’re leaving for Bayshore Mall in case you want to go.
SUSAN
I’m gonna go ham on some Honeybaked ham. You in?
IZZY (O.S.)
(shouting from upstairs)
I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a snow globe!
BRENDAN
Self harm is nothing to josh about.
MARGARET
We left you a chore list for when you’re feeling less sorry for yourself. Don’t forget to feed Barkley, please!
IZZY (O.S.)
Hope he can survive on misery and desolation, like me.
BRENDAN
Honestly, I’m worried about her.
MARGARET
She’ll be fine. She always was a dramatic child.
INT. IZZY’S BEDROOM
Izzy hears the front door close. She peels herself off the bed and shuffles downstairs.
IZZY
I’m not a child. I’m a full grown woman. I’m a DOCTOR. But if you treat me like a teenager with a ‘chore list’, then maybe I will act like a teenager! Right, Barkley?!
SFX: inquisitive dog sound.
Musical Cue: I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
I looked at the list my family left. It was a Nice list. Time to make it a ‘Naughty’ one. Item one: Clean up the Kitchen. Let’s start with the liquor cabinet. What’s this bottle? Does it matter?
SFX: drinking sound. Followed by spitting sound.
IZZY
BLAUGH. Creme De Menthe... (shrug) Eh.
SFX: drinks again.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
Item Two: Put away the extra tree ornaments. No prob. You just gently pack them away--
SFX: popping sounds as she throws and breaks them.
IZZY (V.O.)
Like your dream (pop) of ever (pop) finding (pop) someone special! (pop, pop).
SFX: Barkley nervous sound.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
Item 3: Take a little break. Calm down. Watch some sappy, crappy holiday movies.
SFX: tv dialogue drone in background “Peanuts-style wah-wahs”
IZZY
(to tv)
Oh no, TV people. It won’t happen like that, you pathetic idiots because he’s got some secret handsy sidepiece NAMED NIKKI, just lurking around somewhere, ready to steal him back from you!
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
Number 4: Post a selfie. Okay, that’s just for me.
IZZY (V.O.)
Click.
SFX: typing
IZZY
(typing)
Who needs a man when you got Rudolph on your undies?
SFX: bwoop. Posted.
IZZY
Delete selfie. Yes, I’m sure.
SFX: click. Click.
IZZY
And the Last item on any To Do list: Remember you are utterly defective and will never find love.
Music Ends.
SFX: Whump!
IZZY
Barkley? What’s wrong, doggie?
SFX: Barkley moan.
IZZY
What’s this pile of wrappers? He ate the Advent Calendar. You ate all the chocolates! Dogs can’t eat chocolate. No no no.
(then to dog)
Oh buddy, are you okay?
Pathetic dog groan. Izzy panics and looks up a number on her phone.
SFX: phone rings and pick up.
RECEPTIONIST
(on phone)
North Shore Veterinary Clinic.
IZZY
(on phone)
I have an emergency.
(to dog)
Hold on, Barkley. Keep it together.
(to self)
Both of us.
SFX: not-gross barf sound. ‘hunh’
IZZY
That was the Creme De Menthe. So much green.
Music Transition.
INT. VET EXAM ROOM - NIGHT
Izzy comforts Barkley. He lets out a low, sad moan.
SFX: door open
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
So at my lowest possible point and highest possible blood alcohol content, I took my sick dog to see not-real-doctor Ben.
BEN
(looking at chart)
Okay, Barkley, I’m Dr. Ben. Looks like you’ve been getting into Santa’s milk and cookies.
Ben looks up and sees IZZY.
BEN
Izzy? Hi.
IZZY
(sheepish)
Hi.
BEN
You look. You look...
IZZY
(blows out cheeks)
Dr. Ben, be honest. Have you been drinking?
BEN
No.
IZZY
(tipsy)
Me? I raided my parents’ liquor cabinet, but all they had was Creme De Menthe. So no. I have also not been drinking.
BEN
Your tongue is green.
IZZY
(ignoring him)
Is my dog going to be okay?
BEN
Right. Let me see. Hey Barkley--
Ben approaches the dog.
IZZY
Watch out. He’s old and cranky and hates most strangers.
Ben pets Barkley who LOVES IT.
BEN
Well, I’m no stranger, right fella? Yeah, you’re not feeling so hot, but we’ll get you sorted out.
Barkley pants and wags his tail.
IZZY
Wow, he never does that.
BEN
Animals are easier than people. They’re not as... conflicted.
IZZY
It’s all my fault. I messed up. I was feeling...sorry for myself and distracted and didn’t notice until he’d eaten all the chocolate.
Ben continues examining Barkley (looking at his pupils and throat, etc.)
BEN
Hmm.
IZZY
Hmm?
BEN
Uh huh. Where did this chocolate come from?
IZZY
Advent calendars.
BEN
And how much did you pay for them?
IZZY
I don’t know. My mom bought them so they’re definitely bargain ones. Like three bucks maybe?
BEN
Good news. He’ll be fine. At that price point, that’s not real chocolate.
IZZY
Phew. I’ve never been so happy that my family’s cheap.
BEN
That about does it. Just make sure he’s hydrated and he’ll be fine. Won’t you?
BARKELY
(happy panting)
IZZY
... Thank you. You really helped him. Us. Thank you so much, Dr. Ben.
BEN
You’re welcome. And I’m surprised.
IZZY
By what?
BEN
You didn’t even mention--
He lifts up his lab coat. REVEAL: he’s wearing shorts.
IZZY
Ah, shorts under lab coat. Classic. Ha. It’s not important. Who cares what you do or don’t put on your legs.
She and Barkley turn to go.
BEN
Hey, Liz--
IZZY
Yeah?
BEN
Uh, this is maybe bad timing, but... would you want to go out sometime?
Izzy thinks for a second--
IZZY
Isn’t that unethical? It violates some sort of doctor/patient relationship.
BEN
I’m not asking Barkley out. I’m asking you out.
IZZY
Well, then. Sure. That’d be nice.
(a beat and then)
C’mon Barkley.
SFX: dog paws clicking on tile. Door close.
BEN
Yuss! Yusss!
SFX: door re-opens.
IZZY
Forgot my phone.
Ben composes himself.
BEN
Of course. You’ll find it right there.
He motions with his head, holding his awkward pose as if it were intentional.
IZZY
Got it. Thanks.
She grabs the phone. He hasn’t moved.
IZZY
It’s okay that you’re celebrating. It’s flattering.
BEN
Phew. Thanks.
He drops the pose. She leaves.
BEN
(calling after her)
Can you have that green tongue on our date? It’s very festive.
IZZY (O.S.)
(yelling back)
No!
BEN
CAN I?
IZZY (O.S.)
(laughing)
NO!
FESTIVE MUSIC TRANSITION.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
So, good news, Barkley was fine. And surprising news? I was going on a date with Ben. I dunno. Something about seeing him with Barkley made me see him in a different light. And it gave me something to look forward to, so let’s just skip over anything else that went down during that time and get right to our date the next day. AND IT’S OUTDOORS AGAIN.
EXT. LAKE MICHIGAN LAKEFRONT - DAY
SFX: windy, freezing.
IZZY
(chilly)
Oof.
BEN
Keep walking. We’re close. I promise.
IZZY
(red-nosed & windy)
This is revenge isn’t it, Ben? For High School. That’s your game. You’re planning on throwing me in Lake Michigan.
BEN
Ha, no. We’re almost there. I don’t want to miss it.
They stop at a bluff overlooking the beach.
BEN
(whisper)
... et voilà.
Izzy looks out.
IZZY
I’m confused. There’s nothing here except miles of frozen lake. Also, why are we whispering? Nobody’s here.
BEN
Look!
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
So I looked. And I saw them--
MUSIC CUE - Goofy, fun music.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
-- a hodgepodge group of people of all ages and sizes slip-sliding across the ice. Some were dressed, some were in robes, but most... were in swimsuits. Only swimsuits, in December weather.
IZZY
They aren’t doing this of their own volition are they? Somebody’s making them do this?
BEN
Nope.
IZZY
No. HEY, DON’T DO IT!
BEN
I present to you that rarest of animal sightings... the fearless, noble, polar bears of South Wisconsin.
The group runs into the FREEZING lake.
SFX: splashes and whoops
They are LOVING IT.
IZZY
Why?! Why would people do that?!
BEN
Isn’t it insane?
IZZY
(laughing)
Yes! I feel like I’m getting hypothermia just looking at them.
BEN
Me too! I love they just go for it, but it looks like torture. I have no idea why they do it.
SFX: more splashes and whoops and hollers.
IZZY
(admiring)
They do it because they want to. And they don’t care what anybody else thinks.
SFX: more splashes and whoops.
BEN
You... you don’t want to go in, do you?
IZZY
Oh God no.
BEN
Whew. I’ll be honest. You had me scared for a second.
IZZY
Oh, I’d die twice.
BEN
Yeah, why are we even outside right now?
IZZY
I don’t know! Oh yeah, because you brought me here, ya jerk!
BEN
That’s right! I’m terrible.
IZZY
You are. Let’s get out of here before we get frostbite.
BEN
Great. You hungry?
IZZY
I’m always hungry.
Ben laughs.
BEN
Yeah...
He almost goes in for a kiss.
SFX: BIG cannonball splash sound and whoops.
IZZY
Whoa.
BEN
Whoa.
The moment’s passed.
IZZY
Wow. I’m in awe. They’re clearly nuts... but it’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it?
Ben looks at Izzy - she’s beautiful to him.
BEN
(’as you wish’)
Yeah. They are.
IZZY
Um, my nose is running. I’m so snotty.
BEN
I’m so snotty!
SFX: The wind picks up.
IZZY
This is the worst!
BEN
Absolute worst!
IZZY
Can we go eat somewhere? Inside?
BEN
The holidays are about family, right?
IZZY
Are you taking me to meet your family???
INT. OLIVE GARDEN - AFTERNOON
SFX: restaurant interior ambient noise. Plates, glasses, etc.
SFX: Italian Christmas song cover?
IZZY
Olive Garden. The goddamn Olive Garden?
BEN
Yes, Olive Garden.
IZZY
(realizing)
You said “the holidays are about family.”
BEN
So here we are, being treated like family.
IZZY
At Olive Garden.
BEN
You’re only saying it like that because you’ve been conditioned to overlook The Garden of Olives. You think you’re cooler than Olive Garden. Well, you’re not. Nobody is. And that’s not because you’re not cool, it’s because unending delicious pasta and breadsticks is. So dig in.
IZZY
... Fine.
Izzy eats a breadstick.
IZZY
Mmm. This is actually really good! This breadstick is really good.
BEN
Of course it is. It’s BREAD.
IZZY
It’s like if garlic had a dream and that dream was a cloud.
BEN
Sounds right to me. Go to town.
A little fade out convo--
MUSIC TRANSITION - TIME PASSES
BEN
(silent burp)
Excuse me.
IZZY
You gonna eat that last--
BEN
All yours.
IZZY
(between bites)
So it’s like, when I’m in Milwaukee, I’m really in Milwaukee, ya know? It’s just something about being at home. I think I put all this pressure on myself.
BEN
(teasing)
We’ve all noticed.
IZZY
Thanks. But in Los Angeles, I’m just in my lane and focused on work. I don’t know why I suddenly obsess about finding someone when I’m back here. Is it the water maybe?
BEN
The frozen water? The stuff we Wisconsinites call ‘snow’?
IZZY
(affected LA vocal fry)
Say it again. Is that, like, a science word? Because in LA our weather is based on vibes and feelings.
BEN
I think you feel it because you’re back where you grew up, back at your parents’ place.
IZZY
Where should I stay instead? With you?
BEN
I mean, sure. I wouldn’t hate that. But I feel the same thing when I crash at my folks house. I see all these mementos from high school - science fair trophies, more science fair trophies, my old bass guitar.
IZZY
(remembering)
You were in a band.
BEN
Yes I was.
IZZY
(remembering)
Oh, what was it called?
BEN
You’re not gonna remember.
IZZY
No-
BEN
It was like a full sentence.
IZZY
(reaching)
“Now That’s an Impressive--”
BEN
--Parking Job.
IZZY
Parking Job! Now That’s An Impressive Parking Job.
(playful)
Impressive name.
BEN
Too much for merch. Doesn’t fit on Tees.
A beat.
BEN
And you do remember us, huh? You remember me.
IZZY
Of course I remember you, Ben. We were in all the nerd classes together.
BEN
Riiiiight. And, as a result, we were both pretty geeky. So, I guess it makes sense when we go back home and stay in our childhood bedrooms, we’re reminded of that fact. It’s shoved in our face, so we want to prove that we’re finally cooler now that we’re adults, but... who cares. Maybe we’re just meant to be ourselves.
IZZY
Yeah.
(then)
Although, I wasn’t that dorky in highschool--
BEN
Uh, ya playin’. We were both the hugest dweebs and that’s okay.
IZZY
Yeah, but... didn’t you ever want to reinvent yourself? Lose the shorts--
BEN
The shorts. What is it with the shorts? You’ve seen me in pants.
IZZY
You pulled down my pants.
BEN
And I’m still living it down.
IZZY
Hey. You pull ‘em down, you live it down.
BEN
Okay, you wanna know why I wear shorts all year? Get ready for this. Big reveal. Because I like to. There’s no reason. No big backstory. I wasn’t saved from a burning building by a firefighter in swim trunks.
IZZY
That’s oddly specific.
BEN
I like to and it doesn’t hurt anybody. Maybe it’s weird or stupid or whatever, but not everything in Life’s part of some big test to be aced. And all we can do is learn to accept ourselves with all our weird bits and hopefully find someone else who does too.
IZZY
Sometimes I think I have too many ‘quirks.’
BEN
Are you kidding? You have the perfect amount.
IZZY
... Thanks.
Beat.
BEN
I’m better with animals than I am with some people. You want a top off?
IZZY
Sure.
BEN
I dress funny. I take a girl I like to The Olive Garden...
He said he likes her!
IZZY
...Which is perfect.
BEN
Bang for your buck? Absolutely.
Izzy takes it in.
IZZY
(like she’s about to say “I love you”)
Hey, Ben---
BEN
... Yeah?
IZZY
You should keep wearing shorts. You’ve got nice gams.
BEN
Please post that on Bumble. We done here?
IZZY
Umm...another pitcher of wine.
BEN
Small one.
IZZY
Small.
BEN
Copy that. Two red smallies. One for each of us. Thank you. Oh, how I love you, Olive Garden!
IZZY
Yes! I accept you, Olive Garden!
MUSIC TRANSITION
EXT. CASEY HOME - DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON
Ben helps Izzy out of his Prius.
BEN
Well, we’re back. Be careful getting out. The ice is very slippery.
IZZY
Thanks.
SFX: double door open.
BEN
I’ll walk you to the door.
SFX: double door close.
Izzy looks at the driveway.
IZZY
Oh my God, it’s the same place you jumped me the other night!
BEN
I like to think I’ve upped my game since then.
IZZY
No more surprising women?
BEN
I’m definitely liking it better when she surprises me.
A flirty beat. Are they going to kiss?
IZZY
Same. Well, I might have one more surprise in store--
BEN
You’re leaning in? Alright, let’s do this--
Izzy goes in for a KISS and Ben leans in, but he SLIPS on the icy driveway.
SFX: zwip! Thunk.
BEN
Ow. I slipped on the ice.
SFX: balloon-fumbling sound. Plus jingles.
BEN
I may be stuck in the inflatable reindeer.
IZZY
Oh no--
Ben gets up.
SFX: balloon fumbling again. plus jingles.
BEN
Ahhhh. That’s gonna leave a mark.
He holds his hand to a RAPIDLY SWELLING FOREHEAD INJURY.
IZZY
Oof. Your forehead Let me--
BEN
It’s okay. It’s okay. I got it. Where were we?
Ben goes in for a kiss but his head injury looks brutal.
IZZY
Ben, you’re really swelling up. Let me look. I am a doctor.
BEN
I know! I am, too.
IZZY
I mean, you’re not a doctor doctor. Here, remove your hand.
He fends off her attempts to examine his injury.
BEN
(embarrassed)
Hey, buy a guy dinner before you get all handsy.
IZZY
I should drive you home.
BEN
(attempted levity)
Oh, so I’m going home right now? Because we were still saying goodbye and I thought I caught a little twinkle--
IZZY
Keep looking straight ahead.
SFX: click-click of penlight
BEN
Oh. Wow. That light you’re holding to my eye is very bright.
IZZY
(examining)
Pupils are contracting but I don’t like that capillary edge.
BEN
I don’t like any of this.
He turns away, blinded.
BEN
Whoa. I am going to go now, but, ah, we should pick this back up. From right where we left it. Once I get the swelling down. Left eye, swelling shut.
IZZY
You should find some ice to put on that.
BEN
Find some? The whole town is made of ice, ya nut! But, yes - will do that.
Ben turns and tries to open his car but drops his keys.
IZZY
... Okay.
Ben picks up his keys, BONKING his head on the door.
BEN
Owww.
IZZY
Oooo! Are you sure I can’t help?
BEN
No. I’s fine.
Ben opens the door and gets in.
BEN
(woozy)
Great to-great to have date with yous. Bye!
IZZY
(concerned)
‘Bye.
Izzy watches as he drives off, swerving a bit.
INT. CASEY HOME - ENTRYWAY - DAY
Izzy enters.
SFX: kicking snow off shoes, opening door. Closing door.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
I walked back into my house, after a wonderful date that ended horribly.
IZZY
Hey, Susan.
SUSAN
Where were you?!
IZZY
Bumped into a friend. And then he bumped into... other stuff.
SUSAN
I have news. Big news. Grab a seat. Are you sitting?
IZZY
You can see I’m not sitting.
SUSAN
THEN SIT!
Izzy sits down on the stairs.
IZZY
What’s going on? Finally coming clean about inventing Yan?
SUSAN
NOBODY COME IN FOR A SECOND.
(then)
Never mind, Mom and Dad are upstairs probably doing it.
She cranes an ear. They hear GIGGLING SOUNDS from their parents’ bedroom.
IZZY
Ew. Are they?
SUSAN
Yep.
IZZY
So. Gross.
SUSAN
(breathless)
Steve wasn’t lying. He and Nikki are business partners but they are NOT, I repeat, NOT an item. At least not anymore.
IZZY
(confused)
They’re not?
SUSAN
I used one of my burner accounts to friend her.
IZZY
How many social media accounts--
SUSAN
So many I keep spreadsheets. But she just got engaged to some Wauwatosa guy and when she posted pics, Steve congratulated her with three party hats.
IZZY
That is a non-sexual emoji.
SUSAN
Yeah - only if you really are happy for them.
IZZY
So?
SUSAN
--That means Christmas Steve--
IZZY
... Is single?
SUSAN
Yep! I mean, it’s weird they’re still that close, but maybe they pulled a Gywneth.
IZZY
And why are you telling me this?
SUSAN
Stand up.
IZZY
What?
SUSAN
‘Cause I want you to be happy. Duh! I mean, I give you a hard time, but that’s just what a good sister does. So... what are you gonna do?
IZZY
About Steve? I dunno.
SUSAN
Do you still like him?
IZZY
I think so, but I kinda just went on a date with Ben so--
SUSAN
Whoa. The vet?
IZZY
Yeah.
SUSAN
You two-timing sloot!
IZZY
No, I’m not. I thought Steve was taken and Ben asked me out so--
SUSAN
Well, then ya got no choice. You have to take Ben to the--
(then singing)
--Highway to the Friendship Zone.
(then)
You’ve gotta go for Christmas Steve! He is the dreamiest guy in town - this might be your only shot to get with a dude like that.
NARRATOR IZZY (V.O.)
Susan was right - it might have been my only shot. And Steve was so smooth, and dreamy. My God, he was handsome. But I just had a great time with Ben. He surprised me. We had a real connection and he likes all my weird flaws. Oh, God... I’m so confused and full of breadsticks--and it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. There’s no time. Which one do I go for?!
MUSIC CUE: Burl Ives - “Silver and Gold”
END OF EPISODE 4.